Work Text:
The first few days after the signing are slow, soft and simple. There's work to go to, of course, but only for a few more days, then they get two glorious days of freedom courtesy of the weekend off. While it's true that they don't leave the apartment all weekend, they're not actually, despite everybody's beliefs, spending all that time in bed. There's bad TV, cuddling, soft kisses, and lots of reminiscence about past missions where they both had to pretend to not be in love with one another. It's amazing to see how many signs they both missed.
(And yes, okay, there is some sex. And some wrist restraints. And maybe a blindfold or two, shut up, they're only human.)
They end up spending the full forty-eight hours together, which is why Phil doesn't even worry when Monday goes by without him seeing Clint - not only because he imagines Clint wants a little space, but because it's important to keep their work boundaries and right now Phil is pretty sure the only way to do that is by keeping away from Clint. They're too honeymooney to really keep that line firmly in place if Clint's hanging out on his couch, and Phil presumes that Clint knows that as well. Besides, Phil's busy, and Clint always seems to know when is a bad time to interrupt.
So Phil doesn't worry one bit, right up until he enters the apartment late Monday afternoon to find Clint and Natasha talking quietly, Clint looking almost morose - and then worry hits him hard and loud because something is wrong.
They stop as soon as he comes in, swapping a quick look before Natasha nods. “Tell him,” she says.
“Of course I’m gonna tell him,” Clint says with an eye roll, “and even if I wasn’t, I have to now that you’ve said that.”
Natasha ruffles Clint’s hair. "Clint needs to talk about his feelings," she says to Phil. "Go easy on him, it's his first time."
"Hilarious, you are," Clint deadpans.
Phil carefully sits down. He knows them both well enough to understand that the routine is masking some actual genuine worry - and if it's enough for Natasha to get involved, it's serious. "I'll make it slow and gentle," he says to Natasha who smirks briefly, kisses Clint's forehead, and departs.
That just leaves Clint, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. "There's something I've gotta say," he finally says. "And yeah, it's about feelings - but upfront, it's not me saying I don't love you or want to be with you, okay? Because I do."
Phil nods, and doesn't let himself get frightened. "Go ahead," he says.
Clint takes a deep breath. "Look, you know me. You've known me for years. You're the one who compiled my file, and we've worked together on those kinds of missions that make or break a friendship and survived. Hell, you even know what kind of Dom I am thanks to SHIELD's truly impressive and thorough psychometrics. The only person in the world who knows me better is Tasha."
Phil knows that. "But?" he prompts, because there's definitely a but coming.
"But you don't know what I'm like in relationships," Clint says. "You have no data, because I haven't done a relationship since I started at SHIELD, and because I wasn't telling you about any of the past ones. And you need to know, Phil - because the thing is, I'm a fuck up."
Phil blinks. "What? Clint -"
"Let me say this, please." Phil falls quiet, watching him with worry, and Clint sighs. "I've never held down a relationship. I'm shit at it. I'm selfish and get too focused on work and push people away because I think they won’t understand my job and I don't know how to treat people right. I can at least say that I've never had a sub leave out of fear or because I broke the contact, but that's not a bragging point because that's basic fucking human decency. I'm bad at the long-term connecting with people thing. And I need you to know that before we - before this goes too far. So you can back out if you need to - but I'll still get you through the review and make sure you stay with us. I'm not that cruel."
"We've signed our contract," Phil says. It's all he can say while he processes.
"I know,” Clint says with a sigh. “Certified fuck up right here - should've warned you right at the beginning but I got caught up in having you and then it was so easy to just negotiate and we had so much in common and then this weekend was so damn good... and that’s why I need to give you the option now, before I can’t bear to give it to you."
"I'm not going anywhere," Phil says firmly. "You want to go into past relationships? Then I'm a fuck up too."
"Phil -"
"My turn. It's only fair." Clint reluctantly nods, and Phil smiles reassuringly. "You know I've never held down a proper relationship either. Some of that was Doms not knowing how to deal with my 'two sides', sure, but I was pretty shit at communicating with them and telling them what I needed. And I prioritised work too - the number of nights I've slept in my office instead of going home over the past ten years is nearing the thousands. I'm so suppressed and repressed after years of strictly portraying neutral that it's a wonder I can submit at all. So I'm just as bad. Want me to go?"
"No. No, but - but you've already been communicating with me about what you need -"
"And you've already shown how much you care and how selfish you aren't. Even this misguided attempt to scare me off is out of kindness." Clint shrugs sheepishly and Phil tries not to smile. "I know it's only been a few days, but this few days has shown me that the romantic and Dominant sides of you match up to the rest of you - and the rest of you, I've known for a long time now. I know who you are, Clint Barton, and I fell in love with you a long time ago. That isn't changing. You say you're bad at the long-term connecting, but, as you also said, we've already done that. We know each other as work colleagues - which kind of negates the whole they’ll never understand my job thing - and friends and as people we trust to back us up. Now we just need to learn how to be together and... and I thought we were doing pretty good."
"I did too," Clint admits quietly. "Which usually means it's all gonna fall to pieces soon."
Phil’s heart hurts, hearing that. “I hate that you always expect the worst,” he says quietly. “All the good things you’ve ever had have been temporary, and you’ve been too afraid of them being snatched away for you to properly enjoy them.”
Clint gives him a look. “Says the man who hasn’t allowed himself to submit in years because the world’s a shitty place that leaves him believing being subby is showing weakness. You’ve missed out on a lot of happiness too.”
“It’s been hard for both of us,” Phil says with a nod. “So - and I say this with love and kindness - why are you trying to push away a healthy, honest, hopefully long-term relationship, that’s giving both of us something that we’ve both been missing?”
“I just don't want to hurt you.”
"And as long as you keep that as your priority, you won't - at least not deliberately and not badly." Phil takes Clint's hands. "My honest belief is that nobody is good at relationships, and that's because relationships aren't a thing you just show up and know how to do. They involve hard work and sacrifices and putting your partner first and dealing with it if things do go bad - and doing all of that with the knowledge and promises that you love them and want to make this work. And sometimes it does go to hell even with the best of intentions; but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it works. Maybe we both deserve this one, and maybe we're both going to fight harder for it than we've fought before. I know I am, because I've already got years of investment in building a relationship with you. I want this, and I'll give you all of the things I've just said to have it and make it work."
"I want this too. I'm just used to things going wrong. Something always goes wrong in the end and if you got hurt as a result, I'd never forgive myself. I don't want my selfish desires to have you, to end up being the thing that hurts you. But pushing you away now feels unthinkable, and you've made it clear that you don't want that."
"I don't," Phil says simply. "What it comes down to is that you're scared. So am I. I haven't let my life be governed by my submissive desires for a very long time, and on top of that I haven't done a relationship in a long time. I'm no better than you are. So let's be scared together, okay?"
"Okay."
Phil hugs him. "Feeling better?"
"Yeah," Clint mutters into his shoulder. "Shit. Sorry, Phil."
"Don't be. I'm glad I know. I want you to tell me these things - I know there's the power imbalance and the whole 'in control Dom, vulnerable sub' thing, but if you're struggling with things, I want - no, I need to know. Power imbalance doesn't mean this isn't a relationship of partners, and I care about you being happy just as much as you care about me being happy."
Clint kisses his neck before lifting his head, and he looks a whole lot calmer and happier. Good. "Thanks," he says. "Really. Just knowing I can tell you these things makes me feel better about the relationship. We've already done good on the communication and negotiation stuff - I want to see that continue.”
“Just keep telling me if you get scared,” Phil requests quietly. “Tell me if you think something isn’t right. Tell me if I’m not communicating something to you that you need to know. I’ll do the same. And tell me if… if you ever decide you’ve had enough of me -"
“Shut your mouth, Phil Coulson, that isn’t happening.”
Phil chuckles and Clint smiles too. “Okay, okay, I know. I don’t plan on getting sick of you either.”
“Good. Oh, and sleeping in your office is forbidden now."
"Why on earth would I sleep in my office when I know there's a warm body waiting for me in bed?"
"A warm body, huh? That all I am to you?"
Clint's smirking. Phil returns it. "A warm body with great arms," he allows.
"Hm." Clint tugs Phil close, right into his lap, and wraps his arms around Phil's back. "These great arms?" he asks, lifting one hand to scritch lightly behind Phil's ear.
Phil's eyelids droop shut. "Mm-hmm."
Clint chuckles softly. "I'm glad I couldn't scare you off, sweet boy," he murmurs. "For all my worries, I never actually wanted you to take me up on it and leave."
"Good. Wasn't gonna. Love you."
"I love you too. Hey, Phil?"
"Mm?"
"It doesn't bother you how quickly stuff like this -" Clint increases the pressure a little for emphasis, "- has become normal? How easy it is to just..."
"Be in love?" Phil asks. "Nope. Feels right. Bother you?"
"It bothers me how much it doesn't bother me," Clint says with a laugh. "It's only been a week."
"Been years."
Clint's quiet for a moment, then Phil feels Clint's lips press against his forehead. "Good point," he says, and Phil smiles. "We're okay?"
"Always okay."
"Am I gonna get full sentences out of you anytime soon?"
"Nope."
"Want to just stay here and let me play with your hair?"
"Mm-hmm."
Clint kisses his cheek. "Life's shitty sometimes, but you make things easy, and so fucking good."
Phil doesn't reply. He doesn't need to. Clint can see his smile.