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There was a kind of silent understanding between them. She knew that even if they would split up eventually, he was the one. The love of her life. A soulmate if you believe in that.
She wrote:
"2nd of December
I remember a moment, many years ago. We were sitting, all five of us. They were talking and I remember not listening to any word they said, just staring at him. His face, they way he smiled with the left corner of his mouth. In that moment I heard myself in my head ‘God, I will never love anyone as much as I love him’. I wasn’t wrong."
When she met the group, he was the closest in age to her, but it didn’t really matter. He joked it was fate to have their birthday only one day apart. But in the end he just enjoyed imagining in his head that they actually were meant for each other. Even though, he didn't believe in fate. They just got along right away.
"What, I think, is very funny is that he's been so nice to me since we met, while so sarcastic and mean to everyone else. I don’t mind at all."
He was such a dick to everyone else, but to her. If he could he would have ripped out his heart and gave it to her kneeling. It was obvious they loved each other. Their friends noticed it, but it wasn’t their business and this whole ‘being in the same band’ problem was in the way. They didn’t want to stop them at all, they knew what they were doing and it would break everybody's heart if they never got together. Obviously, behind their backs Sirius, James and Peter talked about it, but they all came to the same conclusion – they just wanted them to be happy.
The first time they kissed they were drunk. They were partying a lot and being away from home and the only constant thing they had was each other. She tried to rationalize it but she was already in love with him at that point, just didn’t know it yet. She was trying to stay as close to him as possible. She was basically leaning on him the whole night. He didn’t talk to anyone else that night. It was close to sunrise and out of nowhere she looked him in the eyes and saw how beautiful they were. They were practically glowing and shining. And so, he leaned in and kissed her. Her head was spinning, from alcohol but also the excitement.
"14th of July
I read a lot about how when people kiss, one person describes the taste as coffee and cigarettes. And it just makes them love it more. He smoked a lot of cigarettes, so he really tasted like them. But it wasn’t a pleasant taste. I didn’t love him because of the taste, actually I loved him despite the awful taste."
He wrote:
“July, R.J.L.
Adrenaline is such a traitorous thing to me on stage. It makes me act up but also gives me confidence to stand closer to her. At moments I just go up to her and lean on her or just do anything to feel her closer to me. She would just laugh. Tonight she came on the side where I was playing and started pushing me and laughing, then she just put her head on my shoulder. It was very uncomfortable, but I think she feels what I feel.”
At one point they started sleeping on each other’s shoulders. Everybody would just smile at them and move on. He started being with her all the time, almost like he was glued to her and it was kind of weird considering they weren’t a couple yet. But after a long time, they realised. He saved her and she saved him.
“21st of July
We sat down together, all five of us and just talked for hours. About how fucked we were, how depressed we were, how we were just silently drowning in all of this. We all cried, but we never were closer with each other. I loved tonight. I love them. I love him."
“December, R.J.L.
It feels like a lifetime ago but it was actually just a few years ago. We weren’t very public about our relationship, but we weren’t trying to hide it that much. We didn’t kiss on stage or anything like that, we just… kind of smiled whenever we looked at each other, which was very fucking silly, but we were what, twenty-three? Before we were even close to being together, I would look at her on stage, whenever I had the chance or it felt like a good moment. She looked so passionate and cool. She was the coolest person I have ever seen. On stage she was so… alive.”
The second time they kissed.
She would break down sometimes. Before going on stage. She would start crying, trying to hide in the bathroom. While trying to put on makeup, the tears wouldn't stop coming. The stress. Missing home. Tiredness. He found her in some dark, dirty corner. He sat next to her, she looked at him. He took her face in his hands and started crying with her. She was confused for a second but then, she knew. She knew he was baring the same issues. The same fear.
She pulled him as close as she could. And held him. Through his body’s shaking. Feeling his tears on her cheek and shoulder. Until his breathing evened. Before she noticed, she stopped crying.
“You’re not in this alone, darling.” He whispered.
“I don’t want you to ever close yourself off from me.”
“22nd of July
The feeling of him close to me was enough. Him opening to me and crying on my shoulder was more than anything I have ever felt with anyone before. I felt so many emotions and I didn’t know how to tell him what I felt. I didn’t know what to do. So I kissed him.”
His favourite nights were the nights when the whole band stayed up till sunset. They drunk till sunset, while lying on the couch and the floor. He held her until she fell asleep on his shoulder. He couldn’t ask for more.
“July, R.J.L.
She looks so beautiful, with smudged makeup, eyes closed. I don't want to fall asleep. She fell asleep at 5 AM. I just watched her. I listened to her breathing. I stroked her hair. It’s 8 AM now. And I’m scared. I’m scared of how much I love her. I’m scared of heartbreak. I’m terrified of how this could affect the band. But still, it’s all unsaid. And I don’t want to break this bubble.”
When the tour was coming to an end, he started to feel empty. He didn’t want to go home. To go back to their normal lives. He wanted to keep pretending like there was nothing else. Just them, the stage and music. And especially, he didn’t want to leave her.
“August, R.J.L.
In a week, I’ll be back home. I won’t see her everyday like I do right now. I won’t wake up to hear her voice. It’s too complicated. I’m so tired.”
“3rd of August
It’s been weeks and we just didn’t talk about the kiss. Actually, the kisses. I don’t know if he remembers the one at the party. He probably doesn’t. Something is wrong. He’s acting weird. More... sad? Closed off? He might just be tired of the tour. He has a right to, it’s exhausting. But I'm worried about him. I'm worried about Remus.”
The night before the last day of the tour, they were trying to fall asleep.
“Do you ever think what would be different if we weren’t in the band?” She asked quietly.
“All the time.” He whispered.
“And?”
He didn’t answer.
She didn’t push.
“Everything.” He whispered so quietly that she didn’t hear him.
He curled into himself.
The last night of the tour something felt different. For both of them.
“August, R.J.L.
I was looking at her the whole night. Nobody looks as beautiful with a guitar as her. I love how she smiles. Her eyes were glowing. Just so much was happening at once. Ending the last song, we locked eyes and she didn’t look away. She just kept looking into my eyes. Finishing the last notes, she smiled. I saw tears in her eyes. I realised this was our life. I didn’t want anything else. Just her. Life with her.”
When they left the stage. Sweaty and tired. He grabbed her arm.
“Can I talk to you? Somewhere private?”
“What is it? Are you okay?” She asked when they were alone in a room.
“What do you think would be different if we weren’t in the band?”
She narrowed her brows.
“A lot, I guess.” She answered suspiciously.
“Because I know. I wouldn’t see you every day. And since I’ve tasted what it feels like, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m trying to say that I can’t live without you. I don’t want anything else. Anyone else. Just your love. I’m scared of the future. Of what will come out of this. But you make me feel like I don’t need to be scared. Because whatever will happen, just the sight if you will fix everything. And I’d rather take the rain with you than sunshine all alone.” He finished and realised how out of breath he was.
“You should write that down.”
He laughed.
Then grabbed a piece of paper.
“You know, I’ve always believed perfection doesn’t exist. But you make me think it’s real.”
His smile reached his eyes. Her head was spinning insanely but she leaned in.
She promised herself to never let him go. She wrapped her arms around him tightly.
He promised himself to never take his eyes off of her.