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When they decided to build their future home betwixt the border of the Black Shroud and Coerthas it only made sense; to have their base, their mutual waypoint, a median distance between both their most common locations of work. A fortuitous middleground they both benefited from, as so many factors of their relationship had turned out to be— whether over time or immediately.
What he hadn’t realized, however, that living secluded like this in a space of their own meant that it was so godsdamned quiet.
Especially so come nightfall, when they snuffed out the lanterns, quieted the furnace in the workshop, and retired together underneath the thick, waterfowl-feathered downy quilt, warm, and for all possibilities, beyond comforted. Snug. Safe.
Yet the silence liked to try and convince him otherwise. Though at first they both struggled in their own ways in sleeping entire nights through; such a rarity to go without a disturbance, the prickling of cold sweat, the sudden gasp and wide eyes meticulously, obsessively, taking stock of their current surroundings, bodies tensed and coiled, ready to lash out, to protect, if necessary— when necessary. It had taken time.. and much of it, to learn how to breathe easy again, for that to become the rarity and not the commonplace. Internal battles they fought together. And, to much of their shared credit, more victories than losses were won, they had both come so far. But memories are a loop rather than straight and narrow paths; you could quiet them, lessen the breadth of your vision they eat up, but never completely erase them off the map.
Small victories, still, that Shai takes solace in now; his waking hadn’t disturbed his husband beside him enough to break his own slumber. A far cry from the past, where his body would break out in a sweat, his breathing loud and violent, tail lashing furiously, realities that sit like a cold pit in his stomach— not at the fact that they happened, but that they were things Sun had borne witness to. At least now it’s not much more than a small startle to wakefulness, a gasp, a handful of heartbeats, then the long, uneven exhale. Small victories, small victories... the struggle came afterwards, quieting the mind to make room for sleep again— that was a fight Shai barely bothered to even take up arms for, quiet, in any capacity, was never his particular specialty.
Rather, there in the dark, in the overbearing quiet of their home, he remained, eyes fixated upon the sleeping form beside him, watching, nearly entranced, by the rise and fall of his breath, ears keened in for that sound, for his lifeline, his own heartbeat made manifest. The soft little smile that tugs at his lips is impossible to fight back but it’s chased by a quiet huff of wry laughter that leaves his nose, tilting his gaze upwards at the ceiling as if to bemoan a plight to the Twelve; it’s a bizarre back and forth feeling, the comfort his mate’s presence alone gives him and yet how equally so it plunges him into those memories that keep him awake, how familiar this all feels in a nauseating way that chills him to the marrow, watching Sun’s sleeping form in impossible darkness, fear his only conscious companion as he prays for anything, anyone, to keep him safe.
He wants so badly to get up, reach over and turn a single lantern on, but ever stubborn pride in the back of his mind chastises him. Nearly thirty summers now, were you still a kit that needed to sleep with a nightlight? Scared of the monsters in the dark?
No, no, he’s fine. The scariest thing in the dark was himself. He doesn’t jump when he hears the calls and rustling of wildlife just outside their home, the woods were alive, he did not fear that unavoidable truth; if a hunt wanted to come to him, so be it, he would meet it. No, it’s the empty pockets of silence inbetween the otherwise normal nighttime quiet that keep him on edge, keep his eyes glued onto his beloved, only ever daring to flick to the door, narrowed and expecting, for the briefest of seconds. The anticipation of something, the inevitable, the unyielding, red, black and heartless, shifting into something sickly pale white, something beyond monstrous—
He jumps. A shiver of gooseflesh runs the length up his spine as a cold hand finds his skin, winds its way around his torso and up the plane of his back— an insistent pull, even while still mostly unconscious, that Shai couldn’t, wouldn’t dare, doesn’t ever want to, ignore, he goes, after a steadying, smiling breath, pliant and easy, sliding his own arm around Sun’s smaller form, broad hand moving to lace loosely within the soft, warm hair there at the back of his head, as he can’t resist to lean down and press his lips between his ears, breathing him in deep. As if sensing his unease— though in reality it was likely Sun was just looking for more warmth, the thought leaves Shai grinning in full, swallowing down a rumbling bout of breathless laughter. Even if the fear would never truly leave him, he could find solace in the truth that, no matter the inevitable, they would face it together.
Still, he could do without this quiet. He hoped it would rain soon.