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They’re ten months in.
Ten months of Daniel certain his heart will beat out of his chest every time he kisses Max. Ten months of waking up with his arms full of soft, warm, cuddly boy. Ten months of hot sex – the best of his life, if he’s honest. Ten months of patiently – and happily – waiting for Max to get off the fucking sim. Ten months of stopping at the shops after his training sessions to bring Max a treat. Ten months of the happiest Daniel’s ever been.
Ten months of worrying. Wondering. Waiting.
Ten months of knowing better.
Max is twenty years old. Daniel is far too old to have gotten himself in this situation and the guilt he feels for selfishly holding on to Max is rough to take.
“It’d be okay if you wanted to experience other guys,” Daniel says, feeling his heart ripping apart as he does. Max is lying next to him in bed, their bed, scrolling through his phone while Daniel’s been ruminating over how to get this out.
Max’s head snaps to look at Daniel. His expression is a mix of confusion and horror.
“Daniel. What?” He says, expression remaining as confused as he sets his phone down beside his hip and turns his body onto his side so he can fully face Daniel.
“I just…” Daniel sighs, dragging his hand over his face. “You’re twenty years old, Max. You shouldn’t be stuck here like this. You’re famous, you’re rich, you’re hot. You should get to experience all that and hook up with guys you like, and have fun.” Daniel can’t quite bring himself to meet Max’s eyes. It pains him enough to let Max go like this but Daniel knows it’s what Max deserves. He shouldn’t be settled down with Daniel like this.
“I like you, Daniel,” is what Max says. “I am not stuck.”
“But aren’t you curious?” Daniel presses on. “Don’t you wonder what it’s like to be with someone else? You’re so young. I just think… we’ve had fun. But I don’t want you to resent me or feel like you missed out or got to experience other things…”
Daniel knows he has to do this now; has to make Max see this now. It’s been ten months and Daniel already knows he’s so fucking in love with this… this kid that it will absolutely kill him when the day finally does come that Max realizes he’s wasted all this time not hooking up and sleeping around and getting it out of his system. Years down the road when it hits Max and he decides then that he needs to, fuckin’, sow his seed or whatever, it will absolutely kill Daniel.
He has to make Max go now, before it gets worse.
Max’s expression has softened; it might be pity. It hurts.
“You are so stupid,” Max says, scoffing at him. “Are you joking? Daniel, why would I need to hook up with someone else when probably I got very lucky by finding you first? Do you know I have always liked you?”
Daniel knows. Anyone with eyes knows. Max was the pure picture of puppy-love, following after Daniel in the paddock, making excuses to be near him, barging into his driver’s room just to see what he was up to. Daniel had been flattered, found it cute, at first. Max was a bright-eyed, excited kid and it was nice to be admired. But getting to know him made things more complicated. Max was a good person, beneath it all. Daniel tried to resist. He’d waited until Max was twenty, at least, to give in.
Daniel doesn’t respond, keeps his gaze down. He’s ashamed of himself, a little bit, but mostly also trying to protect himself from the devastation that will come when another man – or men – catches Max’s attention. It’s not that he worries Max will be unfaithful. It’s that Daniel doesn’t want to expect commitment from him at this age, doesn’t want Max to realize he’d made a mistake settling down with an older man at twenty. He wants Max to be free to explore and sample all life can give him as a young, attractive, gay man.
He finally meets Max’s gaze when he feels Max’s fingertips trail over his jaw and force Daniel to look up at him. For his mere twenty years, for all his youth and feistiness and aggression and the years he still has to grow and mature, Max is incredibly put together and emotionally intelligent when he needs to be and Daniel is a bit envious of it. Instead of sharing his feelings, he’s pushing Max away. God.
“You are so stupid,” Max says once again as he leans in and presses a soft, sweet kiss to Daniel’s lips. Daniel feels something clench in his chest. “Daniel. Should I go ‘experience’ Nascar racing in America? Why would I do that when I have Formula 1? When I have everything I have ever wanted and worked hard to get? Why would someone who has gotten everything he has ever wanted go ‘experience’ things that are not as good? No, you are being ridiculous.”
Max says it with a certainty, a finality, like he’s got the answers to the universe. He shifts closer to Daniel, tucks himself up against Daniel’s body and nuzzles his face down into Daniel’s chest where he closes his eyes and drapes his arm over Daniel’s waist.
“Max,” Daniel sighs, wanting to be realistic. “I just don’t want you to regret anything. Or feel like you’ve missed out. I want you to… to know you can… that you’re free to do what you want.”
“I know this,” Max tells him, slips his fingers underneath Daniel’s t-shirt to touch the small of his back. “I think of course you also know that I love you and I do not want any other guys.”
And there it is.
Neither of them have said it before. Daniel, for fear of scaring Max off. And Max let it spill out like it was the easiest thing in the world.
Daniel finds it in himself to slide his arm around Max’s shoulders and tug him in closer, if it’s possible. He presses a kiss to the top of Max’s head and gives him a squeeze.
“I’m sorry,” he says into Max’s hair, closes his eyes, and lets out a breath.
“Thank you,” Max tells him, and squeezes Daniel back. “Do not be so ridiculous, okay? I of course could have anyone I wanted, and that is why I have you.”
Daniel can’t help the laugh he lets out, can’t help the utter fond adoration that spreads through him like warm honey for this boy in his arms. God. How is Max so easy with it all?
“I love you, too, by the way,” is what he says as he closes his eyes again, content to let the afternoon snooze tugging at him pull him under.