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When Jesse sees the light of day, his first thought is of Benji. When the bag is pulled from his head, and he gets a glimpse of his fellow members, his first thought is of Benji. Before he sets foot into the initiation party, his last thought is of Benji. It’s a little bit hazy after that. Maybe it was the drinks, or maybe it was just the party. Maybe it was the songs they sang and the slightest bit of alcohol buzzing in his veins. But his thoughts were no longer of Benji. They stayed off the topic of Benji until hours later, because it was only after a few hours that Jesse returned to his room. It was only then that he realized that while his thoughts easily strayed from his roommate, the other’s thoughts never strayed too far from him.
“Benji, buddy, you okay?” The boy in question seemed startled by the sudden noise. He had been too lost in thought to even notice his roommate enter. Benji didn’t plan to raise his head, but his natural reaction the sound of his name had gotten the better of him. It was then that Jesse could see the subtle traces of how much it truly hurt Benji to not have been accepted into the Treblemakers. His eyes were red and downcast, and his cheeks were stained with tears. His entire face drooped with the look of what Jesse could only describe as a kicked puppy, and Jesse’s heart stopped for a second before it began to hurt.
“Benji, hey-“
“It’s nothing, Jesse, I’m fine,” Benji cut in before Jesse could even ask. It was almost funny how much of a lie that was. But Benji had looked away before Jesse could confirm with a second glance. Instead, he took a step closer, finally letting himself feel guilty about partying while Benji lay in bed alone. He took a moment to assess just how terrible Benji felt. A pile of knotted handkerchiefs lay strewn to the side, along with a deck of cards, as if Benji had been practicing a magic act, but was too sad to finish. So he lay bundled up in his Star Wars blanket, tears in his eyes that spilled over easily. Jesse took a few more steps so that he was about a foot short of his friend’s bedside.
“Jesse, I’m fine. Leave me alone,” Jesse was taken aback. It wasn’t like Benji to be so blunt. Not to Jesse, not to anyone. It was concerning to say the least. If anything could have broken his heart more, it would have been seeing his best friend’s eyes well up with tears again, and so they did. Benji was quick to wipe them away, though. He was quick to resume his façade of “fine”, and Jesse didn’t understand why. So he did the only thing he could think to do.
Benji jumped a bit as Jesse pulled him into a tight hug. He hadn’t even seen Jesse take the last step toward him. But it didn’t take long for him to reciprocate.
“I said I’m fine,” Though, he said this between sobs into Jesse’s shoulder. Jesse didn’t believe it for a second, so he just pulled Benji close. A minute passed, or maybe a few, and Jesse tilted Benji’s head up until their eyes met.
“It’s okay, you know,” he whispered sweetly, “It’s okay to tell people how you feel,”
“No it’s not,” Benji’s voice is quiet, but maybe not as intentionally as Jesse’s, because it was quite hoarse, “It’s weird,”
Jesse felt those words in his bones, and he finally understood. Obliviously and embarrassingly nerdy as he was, Benji wasn’t stupid. He knew people thought he was weird. He knew this deep down, on some level anyway. But of all things people thought about him, Jesse wished Benji believed this one the least.
“No it isn’t. You being weird is you doing your magic tricks or having all this Star Wars stuff, or loving the Trebles too much,” Jesse smiles slightly, “You being weird is all the things I love you for. Because I do love you. So it’s okay,” Jesse whispers, “You’re going to be okay,”
Only then was Benji really fine, because he almost smiled. Then, Benji thought maybe he should pay a little more attention to his roommate’s movements, because they were no longer sitting in the same position they had been. Instead, Jesse is laid down on Benji’s bed and Benji’s head lay on his chest, Jesse’s arms wrapped tightly around him.
Gradually, both of their eyes began to feel heavy. Benji couldn’t tell if it was the exhaustion from crying or the steady heartbeat against his ear that finally put him to sleep. But there was one thing he knew for sure, or two rather, but he thought only one of them mattered at that exact moment. He figured then that if people would think he was strange for having feelings, then, well, it’s not like they didn’t think so beforehand anyway. So it was alright if maybe people knew he wasn’t okay sometimes.
But more important than that, Jesse loved him, and if that was true, nothing else even mattered. Well, that was an overstatement. He stilled wanted to be a Treble, but that could wait. It could wait because in that moment, he was laying next to a beautiful boy. He loved a beautiful boy, and that boy loved him too, and that was all.
It didn’t matter the exact definition. It only mattered that it was true, because Benji was thankful for their friendship. He was thankful that Jesse could tell when he wasn’t fine, no matter how much he insisted he was. And so he fell asleep that night, thinking of ways to describe this feeling and this relationship, and he settled on one thing,
“Ours is in the Magic,”