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It has only been three weeks since our separation, yet it feels like an eternity since I last saw your face. I feel a constant void in my chest, an empty space in the shape of your smile and your voice.
The hollowness aches every time I feel the sun peering down on me.
Maybe it’s because it reminds me of you. You shine so bright in the sky, among others; your warmth envelops me and it’s the closest I have ever felt to having a home. Yet you’re so, so far away, even when I was still in the city, all I could do was bask in the feeling you made me feel but adore you from afar.
Billions of lightyears separate our battlefronts.
Everything after my departure is blurry and days bleed into one another like ink through thin parchment. It feels cold and unwelcoming. This place is not my home anymore. My brother greeted me with open arms and thanked me, telling me my intelligence had been incredibly useful. I now dread knowing what he might do with it. I am cherished among his ranks for things I’m not so sure I want to be a part of anymore. My bed is the same as I left it, yet it feels like I’m lying on pebbles every time I try to sleep.
You shook my faith in myself. You shook my faith in the Abyss. You shook my faith in my brother. You opened my eyes, yet you blinded me to everything I know.
What did you do to me, Amber?
“Was this meant to happen?” I ask myself every night, as I toss and turn to try and find at least a semblance of comfort left in this place I force myself to call home. “Were we meant to meet?”
Fate is a funny thing. It does not follow a formula, nor does it abide by a set of rules. The protagonists do not always save the day, nor the antagonists have their way all the time. It’s unpredictable, unforgiving, cruel. It shows no mercy to those who make mistakes, waits for none whose miscalculated step makes them fall behind.
You were my best mistake.
I am punished with tears and guilt.
—
It’s been three weeks.
I don’t know what to write.
A part of me’s still in disbelief, I guess. It feels weird to wake up and not see you. Everything makes me remember when I feel like I’ve finally gotten over it. It still stings.
I can still feel the cold weight of your sword in my hands.
There’s this empty, harrowing feeling in my stomach that barely ever leaves me. It makes me queasy if I focus on it too much.
A part of me can’t help but feel angry at you, but I guess you had to do it sooner or later. You can keep up the act for only so long, I suppose. It hurt, though, it hurt so much. So much more than you realize, Lumine.
I loved you, Lumine.
Or maybe not. Not the real you, I mean.. Maybe I fell in love with the illusion you crafted to disguise yourself better.
But when I look back at all the memories we made together, I can’t help but wonder if you did feel the same as I did. Even if it was for a single moment. Or were you just pretending ? Were you just trying to get closer to me just so you could do whatever you were tasked with?
Did you ever love me back?
I don’t know, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know.
I guess there’s no use in dwelling on it anymore.