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Mina's walking into the hallway when Jihyo rushes over to her, her feet padding against the carpet. The TV is playing a variety show. She forgets to pause it.
"Wait, Mina," Jihyo catches her arm after she stops.
"Hm?"
Her hood is still up. There are beads of rain that get caught on the seam of the fabric. Bits of her hair stick to her face. Her jacket is just soaking wet.
Jihyo frowns. "You walked."
"Mhm." Her eyes are still bright and wide.
"We literally watched the weather report together," Jihyo complains. She pulls Mina's hood down. Starts trying to pet the water out of her hair. "What is your problem?" she asks, and Mina just laughs. Scrunches her nose as Jihyo's hands frame her face.
"I forgot. I just wanted to get out for a second," she explains. Her lashes are long and dark. "Don't be mad," she says. Her hand comes up to hold onto Jihyo's elbow, and Jihyo flushes up to her ears.
"I'm not mad," she assures her first. "I'm just thinking if you get sick, someone else will be." Because she’s still around somewhere.
"You mean Jeongyeon," Mina says, plainly.
"I hate you. Be quiet."
Mina doesn't get sick. Jihyo makes sure she gets all the blankets in her room, and as she's leaving her wrapped up in front of her laptop, she thinks about migrating from the living room to join her.
But when Mina wants to get out, that means a few different things, and Jihyo doesn't want to pressure her by asking which one it is.
She thinks it's better to leave her alone.
It's harder than she wants it to be. The first time, she realizes, "this is kind of under my skin", and she puts it down to being a leader. Wanting to problem solve or just be there. But when she's around her, and she's doing well, it's the same. Like something crawling along the warmth of her blood, and she feels herself still to it all the time. Slow down and lean into everything nice about her, and, yeah, no, she knows what that is.
It's predictable too. Around Christmas time, when she's already a mess, because of all those romantic dramas, where people run out into snowy nights in the city, where there's a girl crying for them, because, honestly, they're probably a jerk. There’s the fight, the long speech, the apology. They always kiss near a street lamp.
Jihyo doesn't cry much, outside.
In the car, Mina asks about holiday plans. Jeongyeon falls asleep against one window, and Momo against the other. Before that, the two of them crawl to the back. Mina has a bag on the floor, her makeup washed off in the bathroom. She’s changed into jeans. Jihyo takes a pair of Nayeon’s sweats.
"If there was time, I would have been at my grandparents'." Her throat feels a little dry. The heat, dark.
She tries not to think about it too much. Again, it's the holidays in general. Or the conversation with her parents where they say they'll watch the end of year shows. Jihyo promises to try a little harder. Let herself sink and be happy.
"Me too."
It's not that Jihyo forgets. Mina just keeps it together so well. Super gentle and reserved. Balanced, in a way.
She offers her a smile. "Sorry you're stuck with me all the time."
"No, I don't mind." Mina's expression opens. "I mean, I would like to be home, but-" She stops. Rubs her face. "I didn't want this to be a sad thing. I guess I didn't think it through."
Their voices are low. There’s the sound of the car, and the others’ breathing. Mina’s face tightens with worry, and Jihyo is ready to reach over to unpeel her hand. But she straightens.
"I got you something," she says, glancing over only in her general direction, as she leans down.
She picks the bag up off the floor, holding it delicately in her hands, and she places it between them with the same softness. Still not looking at her.
"I was gonna have you open it at the dorm, but I got impatient," Mina relays to her.
Jihyo tries not to laugh. Touches the tissue paper poking out the top. She thinks it’s blue. "You?"
"I'm bad with secrets,” she murmurs.
She wonders who she's telling. Her sleep paralysis demon, the ghost that keeps stealing their hair ties. Jihyo examines the bag more.
“Thank you. Can I open it?” She asks carefully, pulling at the paper.
Mina blinks, nods, her hands in her lap as she picks at her nails.
So Jihyo unwraps her gift quietly, and the paper rustles through the dark, falling to the side with a soft sound. Jihyo’s hands find, at the bottom, something rough and wooden.
"It’s just an art print," Mina says, as she pulls it out, and when Jihyo glances down, she tries to read the words, starting with ‘I don’t feel very much like Pooh today.’ She doesn’t understand. “I’ve been reading some old books. For some reason, they remind me of you. The way you take care of me, I guess."
Jihyo tries to read it again. Thinks she gets it. Her mouth splits into a smile, and Mina might misunderstand it as teasing. The illustration, she recognizes, and she just thinks it’s cute.
"Sorry, this is embarrassing." Mina’s hands cover her cheeks. "That’s kind of why I wanted to get it over with, and why I didn’t want to do it in front of them. But then they fell asleep, and I felt like it was going to kill me. Waiting any longer."
"You’re fine.” She holds it by both sides of its frame, laying it down in her lap. "Thank you so much," she says again.
She places it back into the bag, hitting more tissue paper at the bottom. She winces. Makes sure the other two are still sleeping. She leans back carefully.
"I promise I got you something too, but I didn’t bring it with me." Christmas being a few days away. "You could open it when we get back if you want?"
Mina shakes her head a little. "It’s okay, I’ll wait."
"Are you sure?" She asks. "You won’t get impatient? Ransack my room?"
"I’m sure." Mina finally smiles. "There was one more thing." Jihyo’s listening. "I wrote it down on a card."
"Oh, sorry. I didn't see it."
Jihyo reaches to find it, but Mina stops her. Her hand gently wraps around Jihyo’s wrist, and Jihyo has to wait to react, because Mina rarely initiates any kind of touch. There’s always a warmth to it. Her fingers relax. Her eyes lower. Jihyo doesn’t mean to stare.
"It’s not really worth reading."
She tilts her head, their hands still between them. "You just don’t want me to read it in front you."
"Yes," Mina admits, "but also, it's two sentences."
And she knows she really just doesn’t want her to read it right now, but that’s reason enough to listen.
"Okay," she agrees, bringing their hands down onto the seat.
Her thumb brushes over Mina’s knuckles, lightly dragging over her fingers, and she just holds her hand, and there has to be something weird about that. Not having a reason.
When she looks at Mina again, and Mina is looking down at their hands. Her eyes wash over her in the back of the car. Over the slope of her nose, the soft pout of her expression. And when Jihyo feels that, thinks Mina is so pretty, she pieces it together. Between the light in her stomach and the empathy of melting.
The thing is it’s a bad feeling to have when you care about someone like that. So she recoils. Inside. She pulls herself back gently.
"I’ll try not to get impatient," she says instead.
It's one sentence, actually.
The card has one, printed over the front. 'Merry Christmas', with a snowman and some trees. Inside, is one more, written in black pen and the smallest handwriting.
'Thank you for bringing me tea and honey.'
She defines it for herself, and has the idea that confronting it will take the power away. But she doesn’t confront it, really. Just continues on and figures it will go away. Thinks of reasons why it should. Like the fact that Mina will stress, it'll make her uncomfortable.
Their friendship wasn’t easy to start. It’s really important to Jihyo that Mina feels comfortable. So she puts it off, because it feels like starting over again, and if she’s being honest with herself, she’s okay with how things are. Even if she gets worse at keeping up with them.
"Hey."
Her shirt gets pulled. She looks over her shoulder.
"Are you upset with me?"
Her heart stops, in front of a bakery counter, she suddenly feels more fragile than the glass beside them. Her phone sits firmly in her hand. Mina’s staring up at her, a worried frown settled on her face, with her cap low, and Jihyo feels sorry, even if she doesn't know why.
"Of course not."
Out of habit, she reaches out to pet her head, her thumb stroking the side of her forehead. She regrets it, sort of gets there without thinking, and she's been thinking so much today. Not just today. But when Mina looks at her like that, it's different.
Mina's face turns a little red, her eyes find their way to the floor, and Jihyo's chest warms, because she's very pretty. She also feels very bad about that.
"Sorry." Jihyo smiles through it, her hand falling to her side. "I don't mean to embarrass you in public."
"I'd prefer you embarrass me."
"To what?" Jihyo blinks.
Mina shrugs, smiling softly. She breathes. "Nothing."
She looks happier, so Jihyo just accepts that, although slow. Looks back at her phone.
She doesn't read the text in front of her. She thinks about it, and in between, Mina steals her free hand. She might freeze. It feels like it, and Mina presses against her, timidly linking their arms. Her head falls onto Jihyo's shoulder, her cap hiding her face from Jihyo's gaze.
Their order is taking forever. Jihyo’s mostly surprised that there isn’t a line behind them, and then she’s happy there isn’t. Just a worker that stares a little long. And that might be why Mina has her cap so low, why this is taking so long.
That’s not the part that has her split in two.
She doesn’t push Mina away. Even if she wants to stay there, in her own head. Mina reaches out to her, and it feels nice. Eases her mind, for a moment.
It doesn't go away.
"I need to tell you something."
Getting here, she doesn’t actually know where to start. Mina sits there, on the couch, her legs dropping off the side. She pulls herself in, and Jihyo, on the other side, pulls the blanket off herself.
"I'm not a good person," Jihyo says.
To which Mina's expression blanks. Jihyo shifts on her knees, moving closer, because this is just odd, saying this so far away. And then being close is hard. She keeps going anyway.
"I really want to spend time with you."
"I do too," Mina agrees, easily. But her mouth is thin. Her eyes are big.
"I'm sorry," she says first. "I don’t mean it the same way."
Her nails press into her palm, her feet sink into the cushion, and she tries to navigate that feeling. Over being together for so long, learning to lean into each other, all the time it took to get here. Then there's the way Mina looks at her again. Delicate and pale. The way the sun streams through the window, over the room, and jesus, it’s really hot. But Jeongyeon is out on a schedule. She has to say this.
"I'm not a nice person. I want to see you happy. I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want anything to change. Because I feel differently than you do, and I can’t make you happy that way, so I bring you tea and honey. And I want to do it everyday, only because I’m selfish. I only feel like myself when you do. And I can’t even say that I love you, because I’m so scared of what you could say. Even when you just frown like that, I feel like I'm going to crumble. But it's okay if you're mad."
It doesn't come out quickly, or easily, but it's there. A lot of things she wants to say, maybe a little jumbled together.
Her palms flatten against her leg. She breathes, through the lump in her throat. It's quiet.
Mina's watching her. Her face twists and shifts into different complexities. Her brow furrows. She thinks about something, and Jihyo’s heart still squeezes tight even as Mina softens.
"Jihyo."
She waits.
"Could I?" She points at her lips, and her hands shy upward towards Jihyo’s cheek. Her eyes lowering between Jihyo's mouth and her eyes. Her cheeks flushed pink.
And she thinks she can see her own cracks of reservation fill in there, in the color of her nerves.
She doesn’t have to ask, but Jihyo breathes a ‘yes’ anyway, through a smile, and Mina’s is the last thing she sees. Letting her hands crawl onto Mina’s lap as she leans forward and closes her eyes, her lips reaching Mina’s before Mina can figure out where to hold onto her.
It’s a small kiss. Not the kind you’d have under a street lamp. And it’s not perfect. Jihyo wears lip gloss today of all days, and she just brushed her teeth, so she probably smells really strongly like toothpaste. Mina still smiles into it, relaxing. Her fingers thread into Jihyo’s hair, and Jihyo forgets everything flawed about this. The fact that it’s the middle of summer and she still thinks about snow.
When they pull apart, Mina hums a 'no' and kisses her again. Just as soft and chaste. Jihyo's heart beats too fast, and Mina can probably feel it, her fingers dragging onto her neck.
Mina tells her, "You make me really happy."
That's all she can think about.