Chapter Text
“Hey, aren't you that tall Mothra MILF from that Godzilla rip-off?”
“Step on me in your Carmilla cosplay, queen!”
“How dare you insult Venti and 5WIRL’s latest song, bitch!’
“Can’t wait for ET3RNAL to burn your career to ashes, you overrated hag!”
Cheers and jeers greeted La Signora as she walked down the red carpet for her new historical movie, Saint Olga. Fans stretched out their phones to take pictures of the movie star while her bodyguard blocked out those who got too close.
“Signora! What should viewers expect from your new movie?” A news reporter asked.
“Well, Saint Olga is a historical movie about a Slavic queen’s tale of love and vengeance…” The actress put on a rehearsed smile while she explained her movie’s synopsis.
Her outfit caught camera flashes: a red, off-shoulder corset dress with tall, black heels to match. Elegant, yet affordable for the plebeians who want to copy her style.
When the event finished, Signora headed to the changing room to switch to her non-work outfit: a black shoulderless dress whose sides are white. As usual, she strutted through the mall, keeping the two rose-shaped buns on the back of her blonde, waist-length hair and her dark gray heels to tower over the hoi polloi.
“I’ve been calling you for hours, Signora-san!” Her assistant Ayaka said over the phone. Born to the prestigious Kamisato family, she applied for a personal assistant role to a celebrity to get hands-on experience on how the industry worked. Ayato nearly tried to talk her out of it when she told her she’ll work for the Fair Lady - the Fair meaning beautiful on the outside.
“Not right now, the crowd is too loud,” the actress said. Ayaka wasn’t perfect, but she did what she was told and carried out her duties more skillfully than all her previous assistants combined.
“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt you, but it’s DCKZ’s agent! Apparently, they’ll only talk to you about their offer.”
“Tell them not to hang up, I’ll call back,” Signora replied before dropping the call. The boy band? No, DCKZ’s lineup were fully-grown men, not teenagers who looked like they were barely 18. Their music was steps above 5WIRL’s, which sounded like mass-produced mush. It helped that they apparently drew their lyrics from classic Chinese poetry, adding a timeless quality to their songs.
None of these mattered as neither band was her type. 5WIRL was for insecure, hormonal teenage girls and DCKZ for pretentious, latte-drinking hipsters and soccer moms wanting to feel more sophisticated.
“Signora- san, they’re saying they can’t wait any longer,” Ayaka said.
“Put them on the phone, now,” Signora sighed, walking out of the changing room to get better reception.
“Is this La Signora?” A middle-aged male voice said.
“Who is this? You do know this is Saint Olga’s opening night, right?” The actress’ tone grew sharper.
“Signora, Zhongli of DCKZ wants to meet you this Saturday at De Filippo at 6:00 in the afternoon!”
“What for?” Now that’s a face she’s seen in TV and magazines. A handsome Chinese bassist who’s more talented than average, she saw why he had millions of fans from all over the world.
“He wants you to perform guest vocals for their next project.”
“Guest… vocals? How dismissive,” Before her foray into acting, Signora had two double-platinum albums as a pop singer. Critics greeted her releases with all-out acclaim, and her fans crowded stadiums and malls when she performed.
“Tell me more,” to which DCKZ’s agent continued their offer. It was the band that should be her guest performers in a future album, not the other way around. Whatever they’re willing to negotiate for better be worth it.
“Come on, papockha! Anyone but her!” Childe jokingly protested. “I'd rather put up with Scara in his moodiest.”
DCKZ’s newest member hailing from Smolensk, Ajax got the vocalist spot after auditioning against 200 others. Charming and eager to interact with the fans (DCKZ combined with his existing fanbase), the band’s youngest had a brief stint with the pop diva-turned-actress back in the Tsaritsa’s agency. Disapproving of his venture to rock music, Signora tried to rein him back into cinema when she caught him playing a guitar solo. The way Childe talked about her, it was as if she was simultaneously his manager and bossy mother.
“Are you sure about this, Zhongli? I don’t think we can afford a failed album at this stage. You need to look more into who you want us to collaborate with,” Diluc said while playing around with piano keys. Coming from a classical background, his father Crepus taught him all the instruments he could from the piano to the triangle. Bringing his instrumental skills to DCKZ, he served as their music director, figuring out what their songs’ tempo, pitch, and sound will be. This translated well into the keyboard, where he brought the band’s most memorable solos to life.
“Jean’s younger sis is a good choice,” Childe agreed. “Ning and the L/YUE girls are blowing up the charts right now, why not them?”
“Barbara is on tour right now, and Ningguang hasn’t returned my calls yet,” Zhongli replied.
“Remember when she badmouthed Serebrennikov? Or threw paparazzi’s cameras into a swimming pool?” Childe replied. Every actor, singer, and cameraman had their own Signora story, it seemed.
“It’s not like the paparazzi didn’t have it coming. What Signora did was merciful compared to what I’d like to do to them,” Kaeya replied half-jokingly as if he just read Zhongli’s mind. Hailing from Mumbai, Crepus paid for his scholarship to HDMK Stuttgart after his drum performance in a Bhagat Singh rock opera impressed him.
“Paparazzi deserve worse, in my opinion.” Diluc concurred, having just finished Take On Me’s keyboard riff.
“You’re just saying this ‘cause you haven’t met her yet, man. Try to spend a day with her sometime, see what happens.” Childe said.
“I might actually will, carrying a rose in my hand,” Kaeya grabbed a fake rose from the center table vase. “That’ll sweeten the deal.”
“Signora’s standards are higher than the Burj Khalifa. No one has a chance with her.”
“Dost, taking chances is what makes life worth living.” Kaeya smiled.
“Zhongli, there are other female musicians out there who will generate less controversy,” Diluc said, opening his laptop to work on audio editing. “Also, who would be more cooperative.”
“True, but none can be a better thematic fit for Memory of Dust than her. ” Zhongli studied all of Signora’s earlier career albums and, true enough, her silky voice spoke love letters directed to a male suitor. Even her later, more mature songs reminisce about past lovers, most devastatingly in Old Flame where the Viking maiden joins her husband’s funeral pyre at the end of the song. “I don’t know anyone who can sing ‘ You don’t need to suffer Valhalla alone when Valkyries bring you my burnt flesh and bone’ and make you weep.’
“ Papochka, I really want to trust you on this,” Childe leaned in and touched Zhongli's shoulder. “Her bitchiness is gonna flop this album.”
“I will make sure that she is on board with our project,” Zhongli reassured Childe. “You can count on it.”
“I’ll see it when I believe it, I guess,” Diluc remarked. “Just this morning, I produced the title track’s instrumental. Is everyone ready to hear it?”
“Sure, man. Hit it!” Childe and the band sat down to hear the music better. The title track started slow and steady with a beautiful Chinese zither solo until it built up to an understated but moving chorus.
“Bhai, someone’s cutting onions near my eyes,” Kaeya said as the song reached the bridge.
“A little more fine-tuning and we can begin recording it soon,” Zhongli commented, tapping his foot to the beat.
If there was one thing to commend DCKZ for, it’s their research on her.
De Filippo was the best restaurant to unwind at after long, dreary filming hours. The beaming, glass chandelier, the live jazz band playing inside, the aroma of well-done Fiorentina steak… what more could La Signora ask for?
“This better be worth my time. I still have a talk show to go to later.” Signora looked at her Rolex watch. It displayed 6:53 p.m; there were a few hours left before she appeared on Jimmy Kimmel to talk about Saint Olga and other unrelated topics.
The restaurant started to fill up with customers but the actress couldn’t make out his black hair and dark brown formal suit. He could not miss her in a crowd; her disguise amounted to her preferred non-work outfit with sunglasses covering her sharp blue eyes. It was conspicuous enough to avoid paparazzi; those idiotic enough to interrupt her meals have to answer to Ruv, her gruff Russian bodyguard sitting at a table across from her.
“Hey, Auntie Sig! Can you please take a selfie with us?” Three teenage girls went to her with their phones on the ready.
“Sure, why not?” Signora put off her sunglasses and smiled at the girls’ cameras. She rewarded respectful, dedicated fans with her beautiful looks gracing their smartphones. They were lucky no food was on her table yet, or else she would’ve signaled Ruv to escort them out.
“I’d like two glasses of Lambrusco, please,” Now that the teens went away, Signora handed the cashier money from her designer purse. Her second-best friend in the world after the Tsaritsa, red wine stayed by her side from flights to Moscow before listening to true crime podcasts before going to bed. She owed nothing to no one - barring the Tsaritsa, of course - but for Bàba Zhongli (as fans called him) she somehow had the urge to introduce him to the finest wine in the world.
Just as she was about to sip from her glass, the man entered the front door, having just greeted the guard. The tall, dark-haired man sported a black dress suit with a brown tie inside, matching dark trousers and formal shoes.
“Good evening, La Signora. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance,” Zhongli bowed.
“So we finally meet. You’re making a good impression so far… I like that in people.” The first thing Signora noticed was his shiny, amber eyes. Next was his well-toned chest and arms, hidden under his fancy suit. By looking at him, she knew he had the face and body that would break up celebrity couples-
“Good evening! Can I take your orders?” A De Filippo waiter interrupted Signora as she gazed at Zhongli’s hair.
“I’d like your best Chicken Caprese recipe for two. Add two cups of gelato as well.” The actress glared at the waiter who started to shake, and silently cursed how he interrupted her admiring the DCKZ bassist’s abs. “Care to pay your share of the bill?” She turned to Zhongli, her eyes shifting back to their usual, smug selves.
“I-I forgot my wallet at my house…” His hand moved around his pockets, only to feel nothing. Giving up, he cleared his throat and smiled. “I humbly apologize for my inconvenience.”
“I shall pay for this gentleman’s meal, too,” Signora sighed, and she cast a quick glare into Zhongli.
“This is the first and last time I’ll do this. Bring your wallet next time, I’m not your nanny,” Signora whispered to Zhongli, hiding her face with her hair lest the two end up in some crummy tabloid.
“Thank you. It will never happen again,” He replied, remaining calm and sturdy as ever.
“What brings you here?”
“I want to explain this concept album to you in person.” Zhongli brought out his notes. “First and foremost, this is a personal project, so bear with me on everything I will say. DCKZ’s next album isn’t just a commercial album; it is also a tribute to my dear wife Guizhong.”
“Ooooh, how romantic.” Guizhong, as far as Signora knew, was some Mandopop star married to Zhongli despite their different genres. East Asian music was still unknown territory for the diva; she once made fun of a BTS song’s rhythms much to the ire of the Army.
“Guizhong loved your songs. No, love wasn’t strong enough to describe what she felt about you,” Zhongli said. “She insisted that we play Lantern Love every time we went home from shopping, and I obliged every time. How did it go again, she knew all the lyrics-”
“’You light up my way when everything seems dark, I can face the day ‘cause of your tiny spark…' ” The actress smirked after breaking out into song. “Sounds like your sweetheart has good taste in music. Heh, can’t blame her.” Lantern Love. Her 16th best work had cheesy lyrics comparing her lover to a lantern’s light; a tired cliche, but hearing other people praise her work was the best song her ears could hear.
“In fact, to collaborate with you for a song or two ranked #3 on her bucket list,” Zhongli replied, drinking from his wine glass.
“Why is she not with you right now, then?” Signora noticed the empty chair to the bassist’s right.
“She passed away months ago due to cancer,” came a quick reply.
Wow. The conversation took a turn for the morbid. The actress stood silent, not out of a loss for words; she had so much to say about the topic. Instead, she had far too many thoughts about death, and the ones that came up first would leave Zhongli walking out De Filippo.
“I’m… I’m sorry for your loss.” She paused a bit after her first ‘I’m’ which was raw and unpolished - unbecoming of La Signora. Words of sympathy weren’t enough; tone and delivery made the difference between sounding inauthentic or authentic.
“Thank you.” For one second, she saw his eyes glow like gold. “Signora, I plan for DCKZ’s next album to tackle themes of heartbreak and loss, and I believe it will be nothing without your voice.”
“You came to me so I can be your guest vocalist, which means merely 15 seconds of me per track. That seems like a lopsided collaboration.” She felt a strong urge to walk out on Zhongli there and take a taxi back to her mansion. The nerve of these hacks who want to squander her talent!
“My creative vision allows you far more time than that,” Zhongli said. “Too often, songs with such themes tend to have only one point of view. I envisioned Memory of Dust as a duet between a couple from the birth of their relationship to the day one stands over its grave.”
“I get to have full parts? Interesting. What else do I get out of this album?” Perhaps she judged Zhongli too quickly.
“Since this is a joint project, I’ll allow you a certain level of creative freedom.” Zhongli tasted his first Labrusco glass and drank until only half remained. “You get to write the lyrics from the girl’s perspective.”
“Now you've piqued my interest,” Signora smiled. Now, Zhongli spoke her language. Creative control was a must in every endeavor Signora was on; whether total or partial, she had to have a say in the process. “I’d like to request something, however: I’d like to meet the people I’m collaborating with and see whether they can keep up.”
“That can be arranged. Do you have affairs that might affect your availability?”
“Two plates of Chicken Caprese and two cups of gelato, just as you ordered.” Before Signora could answer, the waiter came back with their dinner.
“Thank you so much, sir,” Zhongli said. “Signora, can I have some money? I have to tip him for good service.” To De Filippo’s credit, their recipes have never disappointed her, not even once.
“Ugh… just this once.” The actress winced while handing Zhongli her purse. The restaurant’s waiters simply did what was expected of them: to serve excellent Italian food. They had to create a meal so scrumptious enough to deserve her tip.
“Affairs, hmmm….” Their meal’s delectable smell clouded her mind. “I hear Marvel wants to cast me as Emma Frost for some new X-Men movie, they’re just rumors for now, though. Damn, I’d rather voice the next Disney princess’ evil but hotter aunt, it’s way more fun.”
“I see,” Zhongli wrote it down. “Did you know one of our songs almost made it into the Shang-Chi movie soundtrack?”
“Really now? Those aren’t movies, they’re visual theme parks more than anything,” Signora said. Disney did not have the amount of money it’d take to debase herself for kids’ fare.
“Shang-Chi had Tony Leung and it already elevates the experience for me,” Zhongli said. On second thought, In the Mood for Love made her cry, which very few films did. Hopefully, DKCZ had movie nights where she can join and endure their mediocre SFX and cringe-worthy humor.
“Different strokes, I see. Let’s eat when the food’s still hot, Zhongli,” The balsamic-glazed tomatoes and cheese-smothered chicken breasts’ aroma cut short their talk. Conversations on empty stomachs went nowhere and caused people to say stupid things to stave off their hunger.
“Osmanthus wine will always have a special place in my heart, but Labrusco wine is a delight I never knew I wanted until now.” Emptying his glass, Zhongli started to eat his share of Chicken Caprese.
“Heh, glad to see your tastes improve,” Signora did the same. She knew this was the beginning of disagreements, creative squabbles, and drama, so she let herself cherish the few moments where they were on the same page.
“Good day,” Diluc greeted the actress at the band house. Once known as the Ragnvindr Manor, he inherited it from Crepus and turned one of its spacious rooms into DCKZ’ recording studio. Each member had their own rooms for relaxation, and Diluc’s servants (almost all of them were DCKZ fangirls who’d let him compose music on their backs) never forgot to bring them refreshments and anything else they wanted.
“Everyone, this is La Signora. And Signora, welcome to DCKZ,” Zhongli said. Childe squinted, Diluc cleared his throat and Kaeya smiled.
“Don’t you people hire interior decorators? Put some of that money to good use,” Signora sneered, looking around the recording studio littered with wires, amplifiers, and microphones. “My toilet looks fancier by comparison.”
“How about I pay for your NPD treatment instead,” Childe quipped, to which everyone laughed. Even the unflappable Zhongli chuckled.
“Self-confidence is looked down upon nowadays, I see.” Signora flipped her hair, flaunting her beauty to the band. “Ajax, long time no see! How are these gentlemen treating you?”
“Moooom! You’re making me look bad in front of my friends!” Childe said in a childish tone, stomping his foot to accentuate his joke. Only Kaeya laughed hard.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Madamme Signora in the flesh,” The drummer approached the actress, his fake rose and smile on hand. “I see you’re a woman of wealth and taste. Do you have some time to spare tonight?”
“Who are you again?” Signora sneered.
“His name’s Kaeya Al-“
“Allow me to introduce myself,” Before Diluc could talk, Kaeya tried to play it cool. “Kaeya Alberich: Drummer, part-time dancer, lover of life.”
“Nice to meet you, I guess,” The actress turned his flower down and laughed. “And Kaeya, my schedule is full tonight, and unfortunately for you, I’m not in the dating market right now.”
“If you say so. You can have my number, still... we could talk about our favorite drinks, haha.”
“I hope our acquaintanceship stays in that lane.”
“Just don’t interfere with my music, and we might get along just fine.” Diluc showed his fencing épée and armor in the room as a subtle warning to intruders and cretins who dared to step foot in the DCKZ manor.
“All pleasantries aside, I want to make a few things clear. I expect that everyone will bring their best to this project,” Zhongli said, looking at both Signora and his bandmates. “I hope we all tolerate each other, regardless of past circumstances. Memory of Dust wholly depends on our cooperation.”
“Easier said than done,” Diluc remarked.
“Come on guys, we need to give her a chance,” Kaeya said to his bandmates. “Don’t tell me it’s the first time you’ve been with a woman in this room.”
“Signora, I’m well aware of stories about your general demeanor towards everyone.” Zhongli approached the actress. “While I respect your talent, if you prove to be more of an annoyance than an asset…I will cut your participation from this album.”
“Come on, you wouldn’t refuse a diva like me.” Signora started looking around to escape Zhongli’s intense amber eyes standing down on her like a spotlight highlighting her flubbed lines on stage.
“Kaeya, Childe, Diluc, come to me.” The three men did so, all looking intently at her. “Listen. apart from Guizhong, they are part of my musical family. I expect you to put away your petty disagreements with anyone in this room and to be on your best behavior. Do we have an agreement?”
Apart from Zhongli, none of the three scared her. Childe was a teenage boy playing the role of a man and failing. Diluc’s emo demeanor looked like it came from growing up with My Chemical Romance, and Kaeya… didn’t bother with the intimidation factor.
But to lose out on an album where she can let loose her creative juices was unacceptable. Few projects like this came to her so she had to seize this opportunity by the horns.
“No need to be so intimidating, Zhongli. You have a good concept, I’d hate not to be a part of it.” Signora knew can survive a year and a half of dealing with these plebeians; this was the summary of her entire pop and film career, after all. “So, yes, I agree with all of your terms.”
“Rehearsal starts tomorrow. For now, we will let loose and unwind for our rest day.”
“This production process is gonna take waaaay too long,” Childe sighed, then turned to Kaeya. “Give me all the Red Bull in the world, I’ll need that.”
“Bhai, up for some Dark Souls? Let’s beat the Nameless King together,” Carrying his pizza rolls and Mountain Dew, Kaeya invited Diluc to his room.
“...I will be up playing Liszt’s La Campanella .” Diluc played the piano piece’s first keys without looking at him.
“Boss says it’s rest day. Loosen up,” Kaeya insisted, to which Diluc responded by playing the rest of the piece. Taking the hint, he sighed and went to his room alone.
“Childe, come with me to the gym. You have a new tai chi form to learn.” Zhongli tapped his bandmate’s shoulder.
“Papockha, when are we gonna learn Kung Fu? You know, like Jackie Chan in Rush Hour! ” Childe asked Zhongli, his face flushed with excitement as the two walked towards the hallway leading to the gym.
“In time,” Zhongli replied.
“I’m gonna get a few drinks,” Signora said. The vending machine in the gym was a perfect point to catch a glimpse of Zhongli working out. How well-defined were his labs, exactly? His legs? His arms? If he and Capitano boxed, who would win and why?
All kinds of thoughts filled her head. At first glance, Zhongli was the perfect package: handsome, talented, gentlemanly, and physically fit. That was a man Signora would be foolish to let go of; she waited for the two men to leave the room before following them. Who knows, feasting her eyes on this ideal specimen of a man would give her song ideas!