Work Text:
--
"Haz- wait! We can't do this. Fuck, what are we even doing-" Niall panics, struggling to get his words out between rushed kisses. He drags Harry further into his hotel room, kicking the door shut behind him, and pushes Harry against the nearest wall.
Niall's breathing is heavy and labored, as he pants into Harry's mouth, letting his tongue slid in.
Regardless of his words, Niall does no thing to stop. Does not pull away, or shove Harry away, just tightens his arms around him and presses closer, his body flushed against Harry's.
"What am I doing?" Niall questions, more to himself this time.
The thing is - He can't see, or think straight when it comes to Harry. His judgement will always be poor when it comes to him. Every thought of Niall's is fuzzy at the moment, all the conflicting emotions crashing down on him all at once.
The man in his arms is consuming all of those thoughts - how Harry's mouth feels on his skin, and how his hands feel travelling all over his body. Everything in Harry sends Niall right to the edge, making his entire body tremble.
And it's wrong, Niall knows, but it's hard to stop something that feels so damn good.
Harry hums, soothing, in Niall's ear, letting him know that it's alright - all is going to be alright.
He kisses Niall's neck, so fiercely that he's definitely going to leave a mark there. Slowly, Niall ducks his head back, giving in to the moment and Harry.
Niall concentrates on cherishing Harry's hands sliding down his body, unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off over his shoulders. Harry kisses the uncovered skin, and Niall feels like moaning out of pure ecstasy.
As he fully starts enjoying the feeling of Harry near, and touching him, the pictures of her in his head start to slowly fade.
–-
It feels as if the time’s frozen, when Niall wakes up the next morning. He’s laying in the bed, Harry’s arms around him, keeping him in place.
He stares up to the ceiling for what feels like hours, lashing himself.
Niall hates how weak he is when it comes to Harry, giving in to him so easily, knowing he will probably be the one left with a broken heart.
Niall has, or more like had a good thing going - With his fiancee, Melissa, who’s promised to marry him, although he does not deserve her. She loves him, despite the fact that he’s nothing but a sullen man. Takes care of him, and cares, unconditionally.
And Niall’s definitely more than fond of her, he adores her, he truly does.
So, he can’t even explain to himself, why he acted like he did last night. He does have a long history with Harry, a history that Niall’s never shared with her. A history of many break-ups and bad moments, but a lot of love too.
That one of a kind, groundbreaking love, that’s followed Niall everywhere, making it tough to move on, and not compare everyone to him, and to this feeling he’s once felt.
Niall looks down next to him as Harry shifts in his sleep, and smiles fondly.
He loathes himself for it, for being here and for wanting to be.
He almost wishes Melissa had been with him last night at the party. Her presence would have made things easier, for sure. Niall would have introduced her to Harry, with a smug smile, enjoying of the fact that he’d brought no one with him.
Everything would've turned out differently. Niall would have woken up in his own bed, next to her, and without the guilt burning in his soul.
Niall withdraws himself slowly out of Harry’s arms, his movements cautious, trying not to stir up the boy. He sits up in the bed, lets his gaze wander around the room, searching for his clothes. He finds his boxers laying down on the foot of the bed. He quickly reaches to take them and pulls them on.
Carefully, he gets out of the bed and finds the rest of his clothes. He’s not sure what he’s about to do, is he really going to bolt without waking Harry? He does not know- All he knows he’s dreading the aftermath conversation and is not sure if he’s ready to confront Harry.
But as always, his unplanned plans go down the drain, when a dry cough behind Niall’s back makes him still his movements. "Are you seriously going to run out on me?” Harry asks, incredulously. Niall turns around and can instantly point out the hurt in his eyes. He feels guilty.
“I don’t know.” Niall answers, honestly. He tightens his belt, before he looks up to Harry again.
The duvet slides down on him, as he sits up, revealing his trained body. He looks good, Niall thinks, the ink’s increased since the last time he’s seen him this way. The last night is still hazy in his head, and Niall wonders if he trailed his fingers along those new lines.
Harry notices his wandering eyes on his body, and with a smug smile asks “You like what you see?”
Niall shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say. There’s heavy silence hanging above them.
“I’m engaged.” Niall suddenly blurts out. He’s not sure if Harry knows yet, not sure if he’s aware that he banged engaged man last night.
“So you told me. Are you happy with her?” Niall feels like laughing out loud, because it’s so ironic. There they are in the room, neither of them fully dressed, ripped open packet of condoms still on the bedside table and the scent of sex still lingering in the room - and Harry’s asking if he’s happy? He’s not unhappy, but this scene he’s in at the moment - it’s not a happily in a relationship and soon to be married man’s scene to be in.
“What do you assume? I don’t think I’d be here if I were.” Niall says, wording his thoughts slowly. His brows are furrowed, and so are Harry’s. “I’m not unhappy, though.”
“I never thought you as someone who settles for just not being unhappy.” Harry concludes. “You never did, before.”
“Well, Harry. People change.” Niall throws back, with a defending tone, and he’s not meant it to come out rudely but it does. His words sound bitter.
“They do.” Harry agrees, nodding. It seems like he wants to say more, but chooses not to.
Niall doesn't comment anything back either, just sits down on the bed and starts putting on his shoes. The silence is once again there, and it feels heavier than before.
“Do you regret it?” Harry says, his voice more uncertain this time, as if he’s afraid of what Niall’s answer is going to be like.
Niall stays mute, though, taking his time to tie up the shoelaces.
“No.” He sighs, after a while, turning to face Harry. “For some unfamiliar reason, no. I don’t regret it. In some weird way, I think we have this inexplicable connection between us, and that you will always be part of my life in one way or another. And I could never regret anything that involves you.” He admits, some sort of finality echoing within his words.
He reaches to throw on his overcoat, and with that he’s fully dressed and ready to go. Harry’s still under the blanket, completely naked.
Niall makes a stand, stopped by Harry’s hand on his arm. “Don’t go-”
Niall sighs, like he’s so over it, so tired of talking. “What do you want, Harry?”
“I still love you.” He says quickly, almost begging. “Please, Niall. I want you, all of you. And I can't stand the idea of you getting married, to someone that's not me, at least."
Harry's words are like punches to Niall's stomach, making his whole body shudder. "You can't do this, Harry." He whispers, voice flat and sad. "You got to stop-"
"Stop what, Niall? Loving you? Because I'm not sure if I can do that." Harry asks, yanking Niall's arm, so he'll sit back on the bed again.
"No, you gotta stop this. It's like whenever I'm starting to move on from you, and start being happy again, you always come back into my life and fuck it all up again. It's not fucking fair, Harry." Niall tells him, voice shaking, and he feels like crying.
"I'm sorry if you feel that is all I do. But, I think you are being a hypocrite, Niall. There were two people fucking last night, and it seemed to me that you were pretty into it as well." Harry says back, and unlike Niall's, his voice is unwavering, almost ruthless. "I don't know if you even get it. How much you have power over me. Like you have no idea, Niall. I feel so weak when I'm with you, so vulnerable. And it breaks me to see you with someone else, when I'm still very much in love with you." He says, carding his fingers through his hair, seemingly frustrated.
"So, why did you leave then? You once had me, all of me, and you left. Why?" Niall demands to know, moving closer to Harry on the bed.
Harry looks up from his hands and his eyes are wide and the green in them is glowing almost magically. "I was so young, Niall." He says, with sudden softness in his voice. "And scared of my own feelings for you, and how strong they were. I was a coward, Niall, and that's why I ran." He admits, dropping his face into his hands. "I regret it, you know. I regret leaving you. Every day I wish I could make it all undone. I wish I had never flown off to L.A. Or at least never flown off without you."
Harry and Niall stare into each others eyes for a long time after that. The only sounds in the room are their shallow breathing.
Niall kicks his shoes off again, pulling his feet on the bed. He's not touching Harry, but they are sitting close, Harry still under the blanket, and Niall sitting on it.
"I would have come with you, you know. If you had asked me to come with you, I would've said yes. I was so in love with you back then, and yeah, it was terrifying, but the thought of being without you terrified me even more." Niall admits and it all feels so bittersweet now. "And then you left, leaving me behind, and it felt like my whole world ended right then and there. You were the last person in this world that I thought would hurt me, but you did, and it fucking hurt, Harry. You broke my heart." He whispers the last words, like he's afraid of saying them aloud.
Niall looks up to Harry and sees he's started to cry. "I'm so sorry." He manages to say, through his broken sobs.
Harry looks broken and small, but so lovely at the same time.
And Niall can't help himself as he hauls the broken boy into his arms, and hugs him close. "I wish I knew how to quit you." He murmurs, lips pressed to Harry's temple.
He pulls back slightly, to rest his forehead against Harry's. They stare into each other's eyes for a long time, breathing the same air, and it all feels too much, overpowering.
"You can't marry her." Harry cuts off the silence, with a begging whisper. He takes Niall's hand into his, and brings it up to his heart. "You can't. I love you." There are fresh tears shining in his eyes, and Niall feels like crying too.
Instead of doing just that, Niall climbs up to his lap, brushing the tears away from his cheeks. He leans in to give a soft kiss on Harry's lips and interlocks their fingers. "Then I won't." He breaths.
Harry looks astonished, his face breaking into a disbelieving smile. "You won't?" He doesn't wait for answer, though, just pulls Niall into a tight hug.
Niall giggles as he feels Harry's beaming smile against his skin, and tightens his arms around the boy as well.
"I love you, don't I?" He states, with a shrug, as if it's enough of a reason. Maybe this time it is.
"I surely do hope so." Harry says, pulling back, and stares Niall with teary eyes. "I love you."
"Yeah?" Niall's smile is teasing. It's like the tenth time Harry's said it this morning. "I love you too, Harry. I really do." He buries his fingers into Harry's hair, drawing him closer, and kisses him with everything he got.
--