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Amber feels ridiculously out of place as she walks down the pristine hallway towards Kodeira’s office. The cleanliness only reminds her of how dirty she herself must be, certain that if she turned around and looked at the floor she’d just been walking along, Amber would probably see a cartoonish trail of muddy footprints. Two Chaperones stand guard outside The Ballaster’s office, who eye Amber wearily as she digs around in her pocket for what was basically a permission slip to go in and visit Kodeira.
“Hang on just a moment now,” Amber presses the tip of her tongue between her teeth as she digs around in her pocket, before frowning and changing over to the other one. “Aw hell, I had it like, just a second ago. Sorry fellas” She offers them a little shrug. “Can you just tell her it’s me?”
The guard on the left exhales sharply out of their nose.
“Ballaster Kodeira has expressed clearly that she does not wish to be disturbed under any circumstances- particularly by one who obviously has not obtained the correct credentials.” They place the end of their long, spear/staff combo down on the ground. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Let her in!” A voice from behind the door rings out. “It’s fine, just let her in.”
The guard hesitates for a moment, before sighing and holding the door open for Amber, bowing their head only slightly.
“Ma’am.”
Amber snorts as she saunters past with the smug confidence that can only come from getting one over someone who looks down on you.
Closing the door behind her, immediately Amber can see that Kodeira’s office is a pretty rough sight. For a start- it’s a mess. Kodeira is the most prim and proper little lady Amber ever met, yet in its current state her office looked like someone had taken a leaf blower over every single stack of paper in it. There was stuff everywhere, books, pens, rubbish, and a couple of drinks mugs that looked like they had some science experiments brewing in them. Amber has to cautiously step over a few different piles of things before she can even get a closer look at her friend, whose desk is on the far side of the room, with a beautiful, large round window on the wall behind it. The lights of Founder’s Wake are dimming, indicating that the night cycle is beginning, but even the gentle golden glow of nighttime under the sea can’t disguise what a sorry state Kodeira is in.
Since they were little, her work ethic was always amazing. Amber knew that a lot of it did stem from what she had divined to be a pretty difficult childhood for Oksana, and though it was true most children who grew up on the shoreside community tended to have had a pretty crappy young life, that or something else had always weighed heavily on Kodeira. Amber wonders if Kodeira’s wounds had something to do with why Coda chose her. For some reason she can’t quite put her finger on, that makes Amber angry. However, in her adult life, Oksana Kodeira had turned that “I’ll do it myself” attitude into one of her greatest strengths. She was a diligent, outstanding, hard worker, but this...Kodeira looked like she was being held together by taut, invisible strings that were going to snap at any moment.
With her dark, curly hair pulled up into a messy bun, Kodeira was scribbling furiously at something on her desk, her free hand used to prop herself up against the desk.
“Hey” Despite having invited her in, Amber isn’t even sure if Kodeira has noticed her standing there at all.
“One moment.” The sound of Kodeira’s writing comes to a decisive stop, sitting up a little and closing the notebook she had been working in. Her face had been made pale by what Amber could only assume was a total lack of serious rest, the bags beneath her eyes were more like some serious luggage, dark and puffy.
“To what do I owe this visit, Amber?” Kodeira made an effort to smile.
“Well…I mean, I was gonna invite you out to a little gatherin’ we’re having tonight, but looking at the sorry state of you right now I’m changing that up from an invite to an order.” Amber was frowning, concern pooling in her deep brown eyes. Kodeira closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead wearily. She got a lot of concentrated headaches, almost always where Coda’s eye would appear, and right now she could feel one brewing.
“Amber…c’mon. I’m really busy.” She gestured to the room around her. “I can’t just go out partying with you on a whim.”
“Naw, naw, it ain’t a party or nothing like that. Just a sensible get together of some folk down at the Cloaca. Nothing crazy.” Amber gave Kodeira a toothy smile. “Might be Danishes.”
Kodeira says nothing for a moment, before shaking her head quietly.
“No, Amber. Not tonight.” Kodeira reaches for her notebook again, but before she can touch it, Amber’s snatched it up in her hand.
“Ah ah! Now what you gonna do, huh?” Amber’s smile is one of school-girl delight. Kodeira looks exasperated.
“Are you kidding me? Amber.”
“Sure ain’t. What you gonna do?” Amber starts dangling it inches above Kodeira’s head.
“Amber come on,” Kodeira stands, and Amber simply snatches the book further out of reach. “Come on, Amber! Just give it!” Kodeira never really grew out of getting a little whinge in her voice when she got frustrated, and it only fuelled Amber’s playfulness.
“What you gonna doooooo?”
Kodeira reached one more time for it, then sighed, a long, weary, exhausted sigh.
“Ok. Ok. If I come with you tonight, you have to do something for me.”
“Sure, shoot.”
“Join the Chaperones?”
“Nope.”
“Well, it was worth a shot.” Kodeira smiles, and goes to get her long cloak off the hanger and put it on. She’s wearing something a lot less formal than armor today- a crisp, white shirt, rolled up to her sleeves underneath a black waistcoat and smart, black trousers that hugged her legs and had Amber looking at them a little too long. Fastening the cloak, Kodeira looked at Amber.
“I can’t be out too late, I have a meeting with Hermine tomorrow. So, you know…no skunk nuts, or anything” She smiles.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, Miss 10pm bedtime.” Amber holds the door for Kodeira in a grand, sweeping gesture. “Milady”
“Why thank you” After less than ten minutes in Amber’s presence, Kodeira already feels lighter than she has all week. Amber did that to her- she was like the autumn sun. Warm and golden and hazy. Since the day they met, Kodeira couldn’t keep away from it- from her. Even down here under the sea, as long as Amber was around, Kodeira was never lacking in solar power.
“So, I gotta ask.” Amber and Kodeira are walking side by side up the road to the Cloaca. They’d taken a transport vehicle most of the way, but Amber had insisted they get out and walk the last mile or so. Those things made her nervous for some reason, most likely boiling down to how she found it weird to get ferried around by someone else driving her. It just didn’t feel right to her. “What’s got you so busy, bubba?”
Oksana smiled at the familiar petname. She felt like herself when Amber called her that. Not Ballaster Kodeira. Oksana.
“I guess there was just a lot of fallout from your most recent debacle. I mean, not all of it is that, but you know. An ancient, violent entity living at the bottom of the sea without us knowing is a pretty big security risk. I just have a lot of stuff to sort out.” Even thinking about going back to her office is making her feel tired. Before Amber can speak, Kodeira cries out, pushing her palm to her forehead as a sharp pain pierces through it.
“Woah! Hey!” Amber takes a hold of Kodeira’s arm. “You okay?!” Her eyes are wide, searching. Kodeira keeps her eyes closed tight, firmly pushing down and waiting for the pain to pass. After a few uncomfortable moments, it does, and she breathes out slowly. Amber’s face is inches away from her own, her friend clouded with concern.
“You need to sit down or somethin?” Amber’s voice remains assertive, but she’s worried. She’d just hate for Kodeira to know that.
“Yeah- no, I’m okay. Sorry.” Kodeira shakes her head gently. “Just a headache, nothing serious. You can let go.”
Amber doesn’t even realise how tight she had been holding Kodeira, and immediately lets go.
“Sorry.”
“It’s alright. Really.” Kodeira smiles a little bit, but it doesn’t help alleviate the sudden weirdness that’s come down between them. They’d hit the invisible barrier.
Both women knowing there was just so much the other could do, because after all, she’s just a friend.
The apocalypse left so little room to live when they spent their whole lives simply surviving. But in those few and far between moments, hidden between the boats, as they combed the beach, around the back of any hut, house or building they could find, Amber and Kodeira had belonged to each other. Stealing kisses, touches, whatever they could do there was just never enough time. No time to be selfish, no room for anything real. Where love should have been, an ache grew that only got bigger as time passed, as they got older, became busier. And when they came to Founder’s Wake? Forget it. Oksana flew above her station to become a Ballaster. A vestige’s vessel. And in all those washed up nights spent at the Cloaca, Amber dreamt of the surface, and felt like her very best friend was forever further than that. Sure, Amber had fooled around with other women from time to time, one night stands and messy flings here and there, but they never worked out, and it didn’t even god damn matter. Because none of them were Kodeira. And Kodeira? She didn’t even try to fool herself. She knew why she never married.
They walked on in silence.
The inside of the Cloaca was lit up, and all of the regulars were there. Pretty much all of them were Finners, some faces Kodeira recognised, and others not. A lot of them gave Kodeira a hard stare, and a few patrons actually went to physically move out of her way. However, Amber stuck by her, so no one said anything. Some music was playing on the jukebox, slightly distorted by the aged machine, but still audible. Amber swung herself into a booth, and Kodeira sat down opposite. The table was slightly sticky, so Kodeira kept her hands in her lap.
“Hey! Uncle Joshy!” Amber waved to the older man, who was doing a terrible job of trying to creep past, making his steps longer as if to make his footfalls quieter, so when Amber called his name he froze in an awkward, one leg outstretched position. Joshy turned.
“Heyyy Amber. How you doing?” He gave her a big smile, showing off the numerous gaps of missing teeth.
“Yeah, I’m alright, but what are you doing sneakin’ around for? Ain’t got no vibe check for me today?”
“Well, yeah, but uh..” Joshy stands a little straighter and rubs his neck awkwardly. “Saw you had, uh, company of some renown and felt it better to…you know, leave off a little.” He chuckles. “You’ve come a long way since the Beach, lil’ lady.” This was directed at Kodeira. Kodeira dips her head and smiles. Joshy had always been a kind man. He had always been the defender of the downtrodden, and especially back on the beach, no one felt unwanted or unwelcome when they were rolling with the Finners. Nowadays, though things were different- almost everyone in Joshy’s Knuckle had a reason to avoid and dislike the Chaperones, the steely bond of shared experiences kept a warm level of mutual respect between Old Joshy and Kodeira. Though they were grown, sitting before him Joshy could still see those wild girls with a ravenous appetite for life back on the beach so long ago. Amber’s shark tooth smile had never changed- Oksana still had freckles.
“Thanks, Joshy. I’d have a hard time forgettin’ all you did for me- all you did for /us/.” Kodeira places her hand on her chest in a gesture of gratitude.
“Well, you’re always welcome, long as you leave the Chaperones at home. It’s great to see you, Oksana.” Joshy never called her Kodeira. “You know the drill,” He was speaking to Amber now. “Go ahead an’ help yourself to anything you like.”
Amber was nodding, but said nothing and maintained a forced, hard eye contact with Joshy.
“Ohh! Yeah!” Joshy clapped his hands together. “Hey I’m pretty sure that hole on the roof got fixed so, y’know, you two are welcome to head on up there. Might smell better” He chortled.
“Thanks Uncle Joshy.” Amber smiled. “See ya.”
Kodeira looks at Amber, a small smile on her face.
“What was all that about?”
“Huh?” Amber gets flushed when she lies, and Kodeira can see that red tinge creeping into her face right now. “Gee, I don’t know, that Joshy am I right? Hey, you want a drink?” She’s also the worst liar ever. But, Kodeira’s tired, so she humours her.
“Sure. Nothing too strong though, ‘kay?” But Amber’s already stood up and made herself busy at the bar, returning shortly with two bottles filled with a watery green liquid.
Kodeira eyes her drink very suspiciously, but Amber is already taking a swig so she does the same, and immediately has to fight the urge to spit it up.
“Oh my-” Kodeira coughs, her eyes watering. “Amber, what IS this?!” she’s spluttering and laughing at herself at the same time, making for an incredibly undignified noise.
“You know what?” Amber takes another swig. “I actually couldn’t tell you. S’alright once you get used to it, pretty sure Joshy homebrews it.”
“It’s awful” Kodeira shakes her head, putting the bottle down.
“Suit yourself.” Amber shrugs, and pulls Kodeira’s bottle over to her side. She doesn’t ask, and she knows she doesn’t need to- when they were closer, they shared everything; food, clothes, beds. Sometimes out of necessity, and sometimes just because they were that bonded to one another. Kodeira could be a little shit about it sometimes too, always trying to get Amber to give up the good stuff because she was picky or she wanted the other one more. Sometimes Amber humoured her, and other days they’d fight for it- rolling around in the grass, scrapping and getting little cuts and bruises. A few times, Kodeira faked being hurt just to trick Amber into relenting so she could snatch what she wanted and run like hell. Those times, everyone would know what had been going on as they saw Oksana taking flight down the beach, her unruly curls flying behind her, Amber close on her heels, yelling, their bare feet hitting the wet sand and splashing their legs as they ran. God, Amber missed the sand sometimes.
“Amber?”
“Yeah, bubba?”
“Why am I here?” Kodeira’s hands shift in her lap. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s real nice to be invited out, and honestly I’m grateful for it- I needed this, but…what do you want with me here?”
Amber frowns.
“What, do I gotta have a reason to wanna see you now?” She responds, a little defensively.
“No, that ain’t what I meant.” Kodeira sighs. “We don’t just…hang out, anymore. I mean, I know we’ve been seein’ a bit more of each other recently, what with all the trouble that’s been happening, but before that?” She pauses. “I guess it was like you disappeared.”
Amber lowers the bottle she was about to take a swig from, frowning even harder now.
“Oh I disappeared? Me?” She raises an eyebrow incredulously.
“Well, yeah, that’s what it felt like” Kodeira rubs her arm. “I know I got busy too, b-”
“Yeah.” Amber interrupts. “You did. When I ‘got busy’, I was here this whole time, Kodeira. I was here at the Cloaca, with Joshy, training and keeping myself ready for when the blinksharks came back- which they /did/, you’re the one who left. You’re the one who disappeared.” She’s talking a little loudly now, and some of the patrons have turned to see what’s going on.
“I- Amber, what are you /talking/ about?!” Kodeira’s blue eyes are wide and angry. “I was called to service by a higher power! You think- you think a person gets a choice about that, huh? You think when they told me that the Biggest Baby wouldn’t let anyone pilot it but me that I coulda just said no? When Coda, when a literal God spoke to me every waking hour and every time I fell asleep ‘til I became their vessel, you expected me to say ‘Aw I’m sorry almighty vestige, but Amber Gris’ feelings are gonna get hurt if I do this!’” Kodeira was almost yelling now. Amber’s face was dark with anger. She stared Kodeira down silently. Kodeira stood up, sweeping her cloak out from the booth as she did. “I need some air.” She muttered, turning and storming up to the stairs towards the roof. Her head was throbbing, like someone had stuck a needle right into her temple, fighting back hot tears as her throat tightened. Kodeira could feel everyone’s eyes on her back. She didn’t care.
Amber was still sat at the table, her fists clenched as she ground her knuckles into the table to try and relieve some of the painful emotions caught in her body, her lips pressed tightly together. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and if looks could kill, Uncle Joshy would have been six feet under just then.
“I know it’s a bad time, but isn’t she goin’ up to the roof?” Joshy grimaces.
“So?” Amber frowns, before her face falls. “Aw, shit, KODEIRA!” She jumps up out of the booth and races across to reach the door Kodeira just walked through. She’d deal with the fact that she’s just been humiliated in front of all of her fellow Finners at the Cloaca- she was about to face a humiliation much worse if she didn’t stop Kodeira from reaching the roof in time.
“Kodeira!” Amber races up the stairs, nearly destroying the door to the roof door as she barrels through it. Kodeira is standing with her back to her, surveying the scene. It isn’t much, and now in the aftermath of their argument, Amber feels mortified for even trying. If a blinkshark appeared and bit her head off right now, she’d be happy.
“I- yeah, uh, I can explain this. I promise.” Amber’s eyes are wide, frozen in place as she waits for Kodeira to just say something, anything to put her out of her misery. Amber wasn’t a fancy girl- she didn’t know much about being polite except that she always had to wash behind her ears and hold the door for any lady she was with, but Kodeira? She’d blossomed into the most proper, beautiful woman Amber had ever known. Kodeira was a fancy girl just by looking at her- she knew how to talk at social events, she understood the pageantry. Amber had really tried to make something that was worthy of that. A beat up table was covered by a red and white tablecloth, a single candle burning away on it. Two chairs that were so different in appearance it was comical sat either side of the table. All around, Amber had taken the time to place lots of different lanterns, so the whole rooftop was bathed in gentle, orange and gold light. So was Kodeira’s face when she turned to look at Amber.
“I’ve been dumb. I’m sorry. Please, please just forget about all of this, I’m so embarassed” Amber was internally squirming. “It was stupid, I- this is stupid.” She seems so angry and upset with herself, that it breaks Kodeira out of her trance.
“Oh…” Kodeira starts, breaking out into a big, wobbly smile. “You did this for me?”
Amber blinks.
“Well…yeah, I just…I reckoned you might like it and, I don’t know, I just…” She sighs. “I’ve never been as good with my words and that as you are, and especially not when it comes to how I’m feelin’, but…I miss you.”
It takes every ounce of strength Kodeira has in her to not break down crying.
“You miss me?” Her voice breaks a little.
“Yeah. I miss you, bubba. All the time. And…I don’t know, I guess it just…hurt. When ‘us’ stopped being ‘us’, you know? Aw hell, am I makin’ sense at all?” Amber frowns gently. “I guess I pulled away when you left because it looked like you had a life that I didn’t belong in and, y’know. You- you were my best friend.” Amber can’t quite bring herself to say more than that. “If I wasn’t yours I guess I didn’t wanna be around you at all.”
Kodeira sniffles a little.
“And I know that’s selfish, and I’m sorry. Guess I was never real good at sharing.” Amber sighs, and it makes Kodeira smile through the tears that are now streaking freely down her face. “I don’t wanna force anythin’. Especially not ‘cause we both got a bit heated just now, and I’m sorry for my part in that”
“I’m sorry too.” Kodeira wipes her sleeve across her face.
“I guess I just wanted to try. I never got a chance to do that back on the beach,” Amber starts, and Kodeira raises an eyebrow and laughs softly through her tears. “Ok, I never got a chance to do it /properly/. Yeah, yeah, you can quit your smirkin, I remember what we got up to, I was there. Anyway.” Amber sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m sure I don’t woo you like all them fancy folk you must meet up at the Ballast.”
“You think I care?” Kodeira shakes her head, smiling. “I don’t- I don’t want any of them, Amber. I never wanted anyone if it wasn’t you, oh please just come /here/”
It’s all Amber can do to grab Kodeira by her waist and pull her in close as the Ballaster was already on her, arms around Amber’s neck, kissing her hard. When she pulls away, Amber realises her face is wet with tears of her own; she didn’t even realise she had been crying. Kodeira is struggling to grip Amber as tightly as she can, unable to get close enough.
“All you had to do was ask, Amber” Kodeira pushes her face into the larger woman’s shoulder. “I would have given up everything for you. I-I’m so sorry for what I said earlier. That was so dumb and bratty of me, I-I’m real sorry.” Kodeira lifts her head up so she can gaze at Amber, placing one hand tenderly on her scarred cheek. “I’ve had the worst week of my life, and I know that ain’t an excuse, I guess I’m just-”
“It’s alright, bubba. It’s alright.” Amber laughs curtly, pulling Kodeira in for a big hug. “Honestly, that makes two of us.”
Kodeira smiles, wiping her eyes again and turning to survey the decorated little rooftop.
“And you did this all for me?”
“Aw, yeah. I know it ain’t much-”
I love it. I really love it. Thank you.” Kodeira kisses Amber’s cheek, and she can feel Amber smiling against her lips.
“So…” Amber raises an eyebrow. “Hungry?”
“Starving.”
Kodeira hangs off Amber’s arm the entire night.The next morning, she meets with Hermine and does every single thing she’s supposed to do. Amber too, returns to her crew and wonders why she feels like nothing has changed until it hits her smack in the face- she’s been in love with Kodeira her whole life. How could it feel different, when the love she has for her girl has always, always been there.