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Ema would never admit it to Kay or anyone else because it’d be so embarrassing, but being stupidly in love with Kay is the best thing in her life. She feels blessed most of the time. That after seven years of dating and three years of marriage she’s still totally infatuated with Kay. That she’s seen, admired and kissed every last inch of Kay’s body, and yet she never grows tired of her beautiful form. That all it takes is a smile on her wife’s face to make her happy.
In certain situations however crippling love does tend to become a bit of a problem, and Ema has found herself in one of those situations today. She had a plan for the day, hanging with Kay in their flat whilst reading through a forensics odontology journal she’d been trying to get to for a month. But Kay wanted to go to a small get-together with their friends, and Ema had immediately capitulated to her desire. Looking back she should have asked even one question first because she’s not exactly comfortable at this particular gathering.
It’s a pool party. Ema does not like pools. Or beaches. Or hot springs. Or really anywhere in which it’s not socially acceptable for her to cover up at least seventy-five percent of her body. It's not dysphoria, or at least not in the form that she’s used to it appearing. She’s very happy with her body these days, genitals notwithstanding. She’d be comfortable wearing a bathing suit by herself, or with Kay, or maybe even if it was only her trans friends here.
But that’s not the reality, the cis have the majority. And what's worse is that everyone but Kay thinks she’s part of that majority. Kay and Apollo are both out and proud, Kay with her trans flag bikini top and board shorts, and Apollo with his top surgery scars. Franziska and Klavier are both publicly out, but neither displays that fact visibly. Then there’s Nahyuta for which Ema’s not particularly sure what his gender situation is given he’s never publicly disclosed it, but he sure as shit can’t hide that he’s not cis.
That leaves Ema squarely alone in the final Punnett square of gender nonsense, not out as trans and not visibly trans. A box that, or better or worse, she is ultimately happy to be in. A box that requires her to distance herself from her truth, but that keeps her safe in return. A box that routinely has her thinking negative things about herself and her choice to hide from all but her family, but in spite of that still leaves her feeling comfortable. A happy, safe, and comfortable box that is so very hard for her to stay in when she’s burning up at a pool party because she refuses to wear less than three layers of clothing lest someone clock her.
Of course, she could just ask Kay to take her home, and her wife would do it without question. If you’d describe Ema as being stupid for how much she loves Kay, then Kay would best be summarized as a fucking moron. She believes in Ema harder than her own principles, cherishes Ema more than anyone she’s ever met and loves Ema more than life itself (that she’s taken a bullet for Ema makes that one extra literal). Kay would leave if she asked, and she’d leave happy because she’d be with Ema, but she’s also happy right now spending time with friends she doesn’t normally get to see more than two or three times a year.
She loves Kay too much to take this day away from her, and so she abandons her comfort in favour of making her wife smile. Her big, dumb, so very pretty smile that has just enough of an effect on Ema to make her happy in spite of herself. A smile Ema is only just realizing is currently directed at her, because at some point Kay had started floating at the edge of the pool and watching Ema. She jumps in her chair when she catches Kay’s eyes and realizes she’s been caught staring, and that little jump only seems to brighten the smile on her wife’s face.
Kay pushes herself out of the pool and dashes across the deck towards Ema, who releases a noise she is not at all proud of at the sight of water dripping off her wife’s athletic form. Kay pounces on Ema’s stomach, most of her weight thankfully placed on her legs out to either side of Ema. Her hands come to rest on Ema’s shoulders, and they gently tap and rub at them in an action she doubts Kay even realizes she’s doing. She nips in for a quick kiss that Ema returns entirely from reflex, and when Kay pulls back she has this dumb look on her face as if she’s the one that should be flabbergasted in this situation.
Kay stares at her vacantly for a whopping five seconds before Ema decides to speak up. “Hi, babe.”
“Hi.”
Kay’s voice is a little floaty, eyes looking through Ema. This sometimes happens to her. Usually, it’ll only happen when one of them does something romantic, but there are exceptions. Ema’s pretty sure it has something to do with her TBI, likely that she’s afraid of forgetting any of the precious memories that make them love each other so much, so she’ll spend long swaths of time reliving each one. Though Kay adamantly refuses to explain what's going through her head when she gets like this, so that remains a theory.
“Kay, are you there?” Ema cups Kay’s face in her hand and rubs her thumb into her cheek, slowly watching as her wife starts to process things again. She has no idea if that actually helps Kay in any way, but it makes her feel better to try to do something. “Hey!”
“Hi…”
Kay’s smile twists towards embarrassment as she realizes what happened, and again Ema wishes she knew whether or not this was part of Kay’s disability. If it's not, she can make fun of Kay’s blips and making fun of each other's nervous ticks always makes them feel better. If it is, then it's a disability and Ema can remind her over and over that she has absolutely no reason to be embarrassed over a disability. Without knowing, she just feels uncertain about how to help her.
“Hi, Kay. How are you doing?”
“Good! Great!” Kay nervously presses harder against her shoulders, and Ema becomes even more certain that she’s fully unaware of where her hands are. She’s also becoming more aware of her shoulders now and, wrapped up in a lab coat as they may be, it's contributing to her fears. “I’m great. I wanted to ask if you wanted to join me in the pool?”
“No, I’m good.” Ema breaks eye contact with Kay and her voice grows heavy in her mouth from lying to Kay, something she hates doing. Getting out of her clothes, cooling down in the pool, and having Kay teach her how to swim sounds nice; but her fear of being outed outweighed all of that, and she doesn’t want to bring down Kay’s mood by explaining that to her.
“Are you sure? You look really hot.” Kay raises a hand to Ema’s face and runs it down the side, a heavy layer of sweat transferring over to her. “Yeah babe you’re burning, maybe we should go inside for a bit.”
“Kay I’m fine. It’s LA, it gets hot during the summer. You know that.”
“Yeah, hence why I’m worried. I know how easy it is to get heat exhaustion, and I vowed to always cherish and nurture your body, so I’m not gonna let that happen.”
“Thank you for that babe, but I’m good. If I start to feel bad I will go inside, promise.”
“Mmm… okay, if you promise.” Kay leans forwards to place a quick kiss on Ema’s forehead. She continues to run her hands along Ema’s shoulders and finally seems to figure out that she’s been doing that. “Can you at least take your coat off?”
“I’m comfy in my coat.”
“And hot.”
“You’re my wife, you have to say I’m hot.”
“I…” Kay cuts herself off with a brief chuckle at Ema and slowly nods her head. “Yes, I do. But also, this heavy lab coat can’t be doing anything good for your body.”
“Science isn’t on your side Kay. Cotton is a very breathable substance, and it traps in sweat to assist in cooling you down.” Again Ema’s voice grows somewhat heavy, even if that’s all true she’s still unhappy not telling Kay things. Part of her mind is yelling at her to bite the bullet and just tell Kay she feels uncomfortable, but the part telling her to sacrifice for Kay’s happiness is louder.
“O-oh, okay then. I guess you win this time.” Kay’s eyes diverge from Ema’s face and onto the lab coat when she says that. Her eyes eventually go back to Ema, but in doing so her hands are removed, and she leans away. “Okay, if you're happy I’m happy!”
“Mm.” Kay continues to sit on Ema’s stomach and stare at her, and it’s not her vacant stare this time. “Anything else Kay?”
“Uhh. Nope.” A little blush draws onto Kay’s cheeks and her attention drifts from Ema and towards everyone else.
“So are you gonna get off of me?”
“Huh?” Kay’s head spins back around to Ema and her eyes run up and down her body. “Oh, right yeah.”
Kay slowly moves onto her feet, with Ema grabbing onto her hand before she can walk away. “Kay, is something wrong?”
“No, no! Nothing at all!” Ema’s heard roughly those words in roughly that order in that panicked tone a dozen times, every time denoting that Kay is lying to her.
“Kay… sweetie…”
Kay sighs and rolls her head, one hand idly scratching at her wrist near where Ema holds it. “It’s nothing really, I'm just being needy.”
“Kay.” Ema runs her hand up Kay’s arm, brushing away her nervous hand, and pulls Kay back onto the sunbed with her. “Kay we're married, you can’t be needy with your wife.”
“That’s not true, but-” Kay swivels her head around to look at Ema, giving an awkward little smile. “I, um. I just wanted to hang out with you, but ‘cause I insisted on coming here I didn’t want to ask more of you.”
“You can always ask to spend time with me. I love you so much Kay, it’s never an obligation or a burden to be with you.”
“I know…” Kay brings a hand up to Ema’s face and draws her into a quick kiss. “I love you too Emmy.”
“That wasn’t a question Kay.”
“Mmm, ugh. Fine. Ema, will you please come swim with me?”
“Um… no, I uh don’t really want to do that.”
“Why aren’t you making eye contact with me?”
Ema flings her eyes back into focus on Kay’s. “I am!”
“Ema, is something wrong?”
“No, no! Nothing at- I hate you…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Kay’s other hand comes down on Ema’s other cheek and locks her head into a Kay-facing position. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s nothing really-ugh, you already used all my lines. I just, fucking… I might be, just a tad bit… uncomfortable…” Ema tries desperately hard to bury that last word in her throat.
“What do you…” The alarm bells going off in Kay’s head are displayed all over her face. “Oh my god! I didn’t even think! Shit, I’m so sorry-!”
“Kay it’s fine! I mean, not fine, but… I’m not dysphoric or anything. I’m happy with my body, I’m happy with you, just… uncomfortable because someone might clock me. And I didn’t want to tell you ‘cause you’d blame yourself even though you didn’t do anything wrong, and it’d ruin your day…”
“Yeah, I-!” Kay bites down on her lip and forces her eyes closed, opening them a moment later with a loud sigh. “I’m sorry about that. I promise I will not freak out on you, you don’t need me putting more pressure on you. What’s making you feel uncomfortable, is it the bathing suit I got you?”
Hidden under her lab coat, jeans and t-shirt is a high-waisted swimming skirt and tankini top Kay has pulled from their bag and given to Ema when they got here. “No, that's fine, it’s very concealing, and thank you for that. And I’m sure no one would notice my shoulders are too wide, and my waist is too thin, but I just see it and it’s so obvious…”
“Hey, I get it. I kept my neck covered from ages thirteen to twenty-five because this thing scared the shit out of me.” Kay taps against her borderline unnoticeable Adam’s apple. “But that’s all psychological, nobody can tell. Hell, I couldn’t tell until you told me. You pass like a dream, and somehow you’re still the prettiest girl in the world.”
Ema gives the faintest little laugh and nods her head. “I know, knowing doesn’t fix it.”
“I know…” Kay gives a small sigh before pushing a smile back onto her face. “Okay do you not want to get in the pool because you’re scared, or ‘cause you don’t wanna get in the pool?”
“What are you up to?”
“Nothing! Answer the question babe!”
“Mmm, because I’m scared. It’s way too hot, the pool sounds nice.”
“Okay well, what if I, as your professional, genius, great hero thief wife, said I could get you into the pool without anyone looking at you? Then you can just bob around in the water, and it’ll distort your body so no one will look twice. And it’s cool if you say no, we can spend time together inside if you don’t, and I will be just as happy.”
“I guess I would be interested…”
“Okay. If you get uncomfortable at any point, I will pull the plug and take you inside. Now, clothes off.”
“Telling your wife to strip in public, nothing uncomfortable about that…” Ema starts by unbuttoning her jeans and kick-pulling them off.
“Oh my god, shut the fuck up. I swear to god prog has the absolute worst effect on you.”
“But it makes me happy.” Ema nervously grips her coat and finds herself unable to pull it off. “Are you sure about this?”
“Of course, I have blind confidence in myself at all times!”
“Kay…”
“Sorry, sorry. But I promise, no one will be looking at you.”
“Ugh, alright. I trust you.” Ema pulls the coat off and the muscles in her back tense up, pushing her chest forwards and shoulders back. She hasn’t done that since she was a kid, but she’s also got a lot more confident with her presentation over time. “God that feels wrong. I don’t think I’ve taken this off in public since our wedding.”
“No reminiscing, shirt off!”
“Alright, don’t yell at me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“Shirt.”
“Fine.”
Ema pulls off her t-shirt and tosses it onto the clothes pile sitting on top of their travel bag. Ema’s awkward smirk builds into a genuine smile as Kay gives her a big smile and a golf clap before she leans forwards and pecks at Ema’s lips. That kiss repeats and mounts as Kay wraps an arm around Ema’s back and leg and drags her in close, before Ema tenses up as she’s suddenly lifted into the air.
“Ahhh!”
“Calm down.”
“Warn a girl before you pick her up!”
“Oh my god shush you, I do it all the time. Plus, you don’t wanna draw attention.” Kay gives her a taunting little sing-along voice.
Ema wraps her hands around Kay’s neck and pushes into her chest. “Mmm, fine Faraday. Just don't drop me.”
“I would never.” Kay tilts her head to look over at everyone and adjusts her stance until she’s at the right angle for her body to hide Ema’s from sight. Ema presses her face into Kay’s shoulder as the other girl starts walking, not wanting to know if anyone is trying to look at her. “And we’re walking, and we’re walking, we’re walking, and… you said I couldn’t drop you.”
Ema pulls her head out of Kay’s shoulder and nervously looks down at the pool. “You can’t drop me in the pool.”
“Okay, I won’t. But I do have to put you down.” Kay lowers her down to the ground, arms still wrapped around her and drawing her in close. “Are you ready?”
“Y-yeah. Just gotta get in.”
“Mm-hmm, and this is the fun part.”
Kay gives her a deep kiss, tragically cut short by respective scared and excited screams when Kay flings them into the pool, Ema suddenly finds herself spinning through the air and rolling through the water on Kay’s lead. They surface a moment later, Ema tightly wrapped around Kay for safety and both laughing as water spills out of their lungs.
“See? Not so bad, is it?”
“No.” Ema gently shakes her head in agreement, water flying out of her hair and into Kay’s face. “Thank you.”
“Of course, what are wives for. Now get off, I can’t swim with you clinging to me.”
“Oh fuck…”
“Emmy, what’s wrong?”
“I, uh, I, um… I kinda need to stay on you, ‘cause I don’t know how to swim.”
“Really should have mentioned that before I tossed you into the deep end of the pool!”
“I wasn’t thinking about it!”
“Fucking incredible fail wife, I love you so much. You trust me right?”
“Of course.”
“Okay, just stay calm, and I will get you out of this situation. Might even learn how to swim in the process!”
“Thank you.”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
“Mm-hmm.” Ema presses a wide smile kiss to Kay’s lips.
“Now to come up with a plan…”
“Oh my god!”