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It was a hot summer day in 2006 when my family moved all the way from Wellington to Sydney.As we settled down in our new home,I heard a gentle knock on the door.Mali and I went to answer it.
Turned out it was the boy next door. ”Welcome to our neighborhood. I’m Michael by the way.Michael Clifford .“ He got pale skin and shining eyes and the brightest smile ever and it made my heart stop beating for one sec when our eyes met. “Mali-koa Hood,nice to meet you Mike “Mali said it before me “And this is Calum,my little brother for sure.He’s kinda shy,hope you don’t mind.” “That’s fine.” Then Duke came. “Oh you got a puppy ! I have one ,too.Maybe later we can walk them together.”
I didn’t remember exactly how I made my response but the minute I saw him,it felt like having a slightest crush on someone for the first sight.To be honest,before meeting him, I have never thought of making a friend or even finding someone to talk to in a totally new environment.Yet Michael’s showing up led a light right into my little lonely heart. “God makes him my savior.” I often thought of this at the age of 10.
And we did become besties very soon. We were both weirdos in people’s eyes . We went to the same school,late night sneaking out from home to see a film in the town without being caught by our parents.Every afternoon we went walking with Duke and Moose,then he could practice guitar or just listen to punk rock music in my room for an entire day while I was doing nothing but watching him.Gradually I opened myself up a little.
On one summer night when I was 12 and he was 13,we were lying on the lawn of his backyard. We kept talking a lot from our new history teacher to how awful the pasta that our canteen’s got . I reached out to grab my Diet Coke but somehow our hands collapsed. Then,much to my surprise,he just held my hand slightly as if nothing happened and kept on watching the starry sky.
“Calum,” he asked.”Have you ever dreamed about the future ?”
“What future?”
“Like uh…I don’t know.Like what you wanna be or something.”
“Not sure yet. It depends. You?” “Not sure either. But you know what? I kinda like to be a guitarist.”
“A guitarist?” I sipped the coke and asked.
“Yeah, you know,music stuff.”
“That’d be great.” I loosened my hand a little,fingertips on his guitar string’s scars.Maybe out of pain or maybe he’s just too sensitive that my touch gave him subtle shivers. In return,he held my hand more tightly.
Then we kissed,for the first time,fingers interlaced. I could tell by his ragged breathing that he’s nervous but I was,too . We were like two newborn babies under the sacred moonshine. Nothing compared when his rosy,soft lips were on mine.That night at Sydney was sealed in my childhood memory with the stamp of my boy’s sweet,coke-flavored kiss.This was also my worst nightmare. Decade later it turns into a kind of pain,which attacks at every sleepless night.
“It’s so nice to have you,Cal.”he whispered.
“Great.”I whispered back “because me too.”
We didn’t kiss much that often since then. Once we had been up all night at Manly Beach to watch a sunrise .He pecked on my left cheek right after the sun rose .Once he had a terrible fever, I laid him down ,gently mothering him.He tried so hard to stretch out a comforting smile,so I kissed him on the forehead.Time went on and on and we entered high school where he officially joined a band,also became a guitarist that he always wanted to be.I remained my normal life,always acting as a good nerdy guy.Years passed in less than a snap.
There we were on our fresh year of college. We chose different majors and it took a lot of effort to make us roommates but we made it at last.At that time I thought “the future “is closer than ever before to reach.All we had to do is passing those stupid exams to get outta there and start our new life.But Michael was way less realistic than me.On the first year,things worked out quite fine,then I could feel the crack between us.His life had been made up only by eating,sleeping and banding.No working,no socializing.He was absent from his classes frequently and failed nearly every exam.I was worried,though. I tried to persuade him to stop for a while to return to normal life but he barely listened,so I just let go.
“You’re fucking insane.” I said.
“No I’m not.”
On the Christmas Eve of our senior year ,we two sat on our dorm floor,exchanging gifts under the faint light.He unwrapped his,I got him his favorite My Chemical Romance vinyl. The sparkle in his eyes flickered,and then,it faded.I felt his hesitation to say something but I didn’t ask.
“Cal,”he said “I’m quitting.”
“Quitting what?”
“School.”
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,Mike.Tell me you’re kidding.”
“I’m serious. We are flying to LA.”
“For…for what? For your band things?”
“Yes.”
I sat there in disbelief.How could he — I mean,how could he just gave up all these things to pursue his pathetic little dream?
“Look,Michael.Michael Clifford. I don’t think I have to remind you of the consequences,”my talking turned into screaming . “All your efforts will be in vain.Why do you sabotage things? If you don’t succeed,you’ll become penniless,wandering from street to street, late night performing your god damn songs in different bars,and finally crawling back to Sydney to start all over again.Is that the guitarist you’ve always wanted to be,Mike?”
He nodded. I could never forget the stupid but determined look on his fucking pretty face.But what else can I do? We remained silent for almost a century.The thought of we unavoidably going on different tracks made my eyes welled up in the dark. And this was definitely the worst Christmas gift ever.
“Fine.” I said after a long time.”When are you leaving?”
“After your graduation.”
My heart sank as he turned off the light.
“I’m sorry Calum. I know it’s hard for you.But we all need to get a life,don’t we?”
In the next 7 months,we didn’t see each other often. After Christmas he moved out with his band mates and I was busy preparing for the graduation. I tried hard to accept the fact he’s leaving and I also envisioned a billion times how our departure would be.Eventually I graduated and it’s time for him to leave.
On the last night of his staying in Sydney,we drank a lot.He took me to his hotel room and we had an intense sex.We were both half sober -half unconscious . He tried his best not to groan,biting his lips .In the end I couldn’t even tell is it his tears or mine or just sweat on his face. I stopped,and he sat upright . I couldn’t help but asked that stupid questions again. “Why do you have to leave?” Actually I was about to say “Why do you have to leave me?”but I was afraid to show my deepest fear,so I chose not to say that word. He didn’t say anything but looked up straight into my eyes. God,those crystal blue eyes were as clear as they were at the first time I met him in 2006.
“Don’t be lunatic,Mike.You’ll get hurt.”
“And don’t be a coward,Cal.” he said.
We went out of the hotel,found a lawn and lay on it for a while.the sky looked exactly the same as it was on that hot summer night back in 2008,but people changed.I was not the kid with romantic thoughts anymore and he,of course he is a true romantic of all the time .The images in my memory flashed back and forth,which made my tears stream down,and I didn’t wipe it in case he noticed I was sobbing my eyes out. However,I heard his whimpering right besides me and I was sure that he didn’t want me to hear it either . The silence remained all night .
And I never know that the silence was the last shared memory of us.
I didn’t slept much that night . When I woke up,it was already 10 am,and Michael was gone to the airport already.Then I never hated myself this much for missing the last chance to say goodbye.Turning around,I found two guitar picks he left me on his pillow,besides them is a note,reading “Seeing you sound asleep so I didn’t wake you up.Goodbye,Cal “ I put those guitar picks in my pocket and sighed.Since then,we went on two parallel lines.
His band turned out to be a real success,which I didn’t expect but I have to admit. At first we texted each other on big days and then we hardly contacted.But over the years I kept seeing their videos on YouTube.His eyes are still bright as fuck,but the baby fat on his face somehow disappeared.
Years passed,I got a rewarding job and am quite used to my normal life in Sydney.Michael,he is occupied in touring around the world as a lead guitarist of a rising band.Last year when they toured back to Sydney, my fiancée and I went to see them. With those guitar picks in pocket,we went into the stadium and the show began.
I rubbed the guitar picks uneasily. In the interval of two songs,I asked my fiancée,
“Don’t you think that their guitarist is trying to find someone in the audience?”
“What? How come ?”
“Never mind.”