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Jeremy wasn’t sure how he’d ended up sitting on the Goranski’s back porch. He’d intended on just helping Rich pack for school with the rest of their friends and then leave when they did, but his dad was still on a work call for another hour, and Rich gave him the impression that he didn’t want to be alone. Or that he didn’t want Jeremy to be alone. Or he was just being polite, or something, in his weird way.
Rich was hard to figure out. Jeremy knew they were similar. They both had a shitty parent, they both were bi, they’d both had a breakdown so bad their junior year it had almost ruined their entire friend group. But they’d rarely hung out on their own before. Usually, Michael or Jake or both were their buffer.
It made the entire vibe of this interaction feel so much more like having to sit with your cousin who was around the same age as you at family parties than anything else. Sure, it wasn’t necessarily bad, but it was more awkward than it was probably meant to be.
“So…” Rich started, taking a break from ripping apart the dandelion in his hand, petal by petal. He looked over at Jeremy, and Jeremy did his best not to look creepy when looking back. Was Rich going to think he was weird? No, he shut that down. He wasn’t creepy, or weird. Rich would most certainly tell him if he was being weird.
“So- um.” Jeremy cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. He missed his long sleeves. It was awkward, having his friends see. Not that they didn’t know, of course. But it was harder to let it be- a thing that was normal than to hide away and sweat all the time. “You, uh, looking forward to college?”
“I guess so.” Rich shrugged, leaning his elbows back against the top step. “I’m ready to be out of this shithole.”
“New Jersey, Middleborough, or this house?” Jeremy tried to make a joke. Was he stepping on something he shouldn’t be?
Luckily, Rich laughed, and Jeremy felt his shoulders relax. He’d done something right. “All of the above, I guess. I dunno. I think- I’m looking forward to being on my own. My classes seem fine. My roommate isn’t that much of an asshole, from what I can tell.”
Jeremy kind of wished he was going to school. It would be so much easier to tell people that he was going to college somewhere. He knew there wasn’t a shame in waiting, in taking a gap year, but… he felt behind the curve. He hated feeling behind. But in his state- even getting better… he didn't think it was right.
“Do you think you’re gonna try and go next semester or next year or something?” Rich said it so flippantly, as if they didn’t both know the reason why Jeremy wasn’t going this year.
That was the question Jeremy had been trying to ask himself. He pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. “I- I dunno. I want to go eventually. I just…” He let out a sigh. “I’m not really allowed to leave the area on my own just yet. Too… soon after.” He hadn’t been intending on bringing that up. Not in any concrete sense. Everyone danced around it. Jeremy kind of preferred that. It kept people from asking too many questions, even though he knew they wanted to ask them.
The way Rich looked at him made him feel oddly… well, looked at. Like Rich was actually seeing him, not just watching his movements and hearing his words. It was the same way it felt when Michael took his arm or when Jake pulled him against his side. Like Rich was doing the thing he knew that was closest to a comforting hug. “How are you… holding up?”
It felt genuine. Which Jeremy hadn’t really experienced from Rich before. Not that Rich lied, or didn’t care, but- Michael had once joked that Rich was like an onion, or a matryoshka doll. He wasn’t open about much, and each layer you peeled back left another layer of secrecy underneath. It was just how Rich was. So the little nuggets of authenticity, of cracks in the armor, were nice, but rarely expected.
“I’m- I dunno.” Jeremy mumbled, surprising himself into the truth. “I want to say I’m good now. But I don’t think I am. I mean, I’m not about to- try that whole thing again.” Neither of them were saying it outright. They didn’t have to. “But…”
“It never quite goes away.” Rich said, his voice softer than Jeremy had heard in a while. “I get it.”
And Jeremy knew he did. Rich got it more than any of their other friends. Michael struggled with depression, but not to the extent of either of them. It didn’t make his struggles any less real, but- it was different, for him. Jake made an effort, and so did Christine, but neither of them were as close personally to this sort of thing as Rich was.
“Do you- I dunno. Do you ever think about it?” Jeremy said, surprising himself with the question. "Sorry, that's- that's really personal, I don't mean to…" He trailed off. Fuck, he’d just ruined it all, hadn’t he?
Rich gave him a small, awkward looking smile. "Nah, man, it's fine." He looked out at the backyard. It wasn't much of a yard, really. "I… used to think about it a lot more. I mean- you know what I was like freshman year."
Jeremy hesitated. "Not… really? I mean, we didn't really talk. I barely remember… you." It was true. Rich back then was so wildly different from Rich now that it didn't quite compute in his mind that they were the same person. Of course, he’d had a different name, and his hair was long, so it made sense.
Rich sighed. "That… may be a good thing." He shrugged. "I wasn't- I was a mess. Like a really bad one. I wasn't as good at hiding shit then. I was- I guess just going through the motions. But I got help. Kind of. Starting to transition helped a lot, even if it wasn't… easy, either. But I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I started feeling less like- like a shell of a person." This was more than Jeremy had heard Rich open up in ages. "So… So I guess I do still feel like that sometimes. But having people that actually know who I am and care about me helps. Going away from this shithole will help."
"Aren't you worried that… I dunno. Change is going to fuck you up again?" That was Jeremy's biggest fear. That he'd go away, do what he's supposed to, with college and dorms and everything else that's traditionally expected, and then he'd end up right back where he was before. And he didn’t want to put anyone else through that. His dad, Jake, Michael, Christine. Honestly, at this point, he didn’t want to put himself through that again, either.
"I guess so." Rich said, leaning his chin on his arms. "I mean, I think going away changes people anyways. Maybe I'll go off to school and hate myself again, and have to come home. But…" Rich sighed. "I have to take that risk. Because maybe I'll be out of here and I'll be free to do whatever the fuck I want, and I won't be chained down to this place. And I think that's what I need."
"And… And you're okay with that? With leaving everything behind?" Jeremy knew that sounded hypocritical, given what he was planning on doing. But this was different. And he had just been hit with the realization that he was part of the everything, and that- upset him. He had a hard time trusting that people didn’t hate him. So having a group of friends who didn’t was nice. And now almost all of them were moving away.
"I'll be back." Rich said, nudging Jeremy's shoulder with his. "Believe me, Heere, you can't get rid of me forever. I'll come back and bug you and your golden retriever of a boyfriend and crash on your apartment's couch and eat all your food. Don't worry."
Jeremy couldn't help but laugh. "You didn't answer my question."
"I don't think I need to." Rich said, looking over at him. "You know the answer as well as I do."
And Jeremy did.
The car pulling into the driveway told them that Jeremy's dad was there. They both stood, looking at each other.
Jeremy wasn't sure what to do. Was a noogie a goodbye? A handshake? A fist bump? Were they close enough for a hug? Should he just say goodbye and call it a day?
Rich didn't give him a chance to answer, dragging him into a hug. Jeremy had never been hugged by him before, he didn't think. It was… nice, if a little awkward.
"You'd better text me about all your life experiences." Rich said. It held a sort of double meaning. Life experiences. Life. Jeremy was starting to believe that he had one of those.
It kind of made him want to cry, holding Rich with a bit of awkwardness. He wasn’t that much taller than the guy, but it was enough to make it just a little odd with where their hugs landed. Especially since they hadn’t gotten much of a chance to perfect them.
Jeremy made an attempt to move on.
"I'll make sure to send you every detail of Jake and I's dates-"
"Ew, no, keep that to yourself, thank you very much. I'll get Jake gushing in my messages anyways."
That made Jeremy's heart do weird things. Sure, he knew Jake was dating him, but other people knowing that was nice. The fact that he was good enough to gush about made him feel flattered and discomforted all at once. He reminded himself that he deserved that. "Right, right." He pulled back, looking at Rich for a moment. "Be safe."
Rich grinned at him, but the smile was less mischievous than his usual one. It was more vulnerable. Not quite the smile he gave Brooke when she wasn’t looking, but… kind. Relaxed. "No promises, Heere."
Rich led him out of the backyard to his dad's car. Jeremy felt oddly wistful. Which was strange, he hadn't considered Rich to be that close of a friend until now. But the idea of him leaving- and, by extension, all their other friends leaving- was terrifying.
"Keep Jake out of trouble." Rich said, leaning against the railing of his front porch, grinning at him.
"I will do my best. And- good luck." Jeremy wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. But then he closed his car door, and his dad pulled out. Glancing in the rear view gave Jeremy infrequent glimpses of Rich, waving until they turned the corner.
The next morning, Rich was the first of their ragtag band of idiots to leave for college. Jeremy imagined him and Brooke trundling off into the distance in Brooke’s mom’s car, bags packed to the brim. Brooke would be next, moving to a college an hour from Rich. Michael was going halfway across the country, the furthest they’d been apart since he’d gone to the Philippines on vacation three years ago. Jenna was going on a road trip with her girlfriend in her gap year, and Christine was going to a school in New York City.
That left Jeremy and Jake, doing odd jobs, working through day by day. Jeremy was glad to have someone with him that he knew, that he could rely on. But he had others. He’d call people. He’d talk to his dad. He’d babysit his sister (though he couldn’t call it babysitting, not without Esther getting upset with him) and he’d get out of the house.
Jeremy hoped that this year, his life would settle, if not into place, then into the most normality it could muster.
He wasn’t alone, even if it felt like it.
He knew he wasn’t perfect, yet, but he was at least willing to give life more of a shot than he had been.