Work Text:
Adam’s a fairly affectionate person, Lawrence figures this out fairly quickly.
Even before they were together, Adam seemingly had no issues sharing a space with Lawrence, even close spaces. Once they officially decide to date, it’s as though the floodgates broke open.
(Whenever they’re at home, they’re all over each other. While they’re cooking, while he’s working, while they’re sleeping, they’re almost inseparable. Maybe it’s part of the honeymoon phase, Lawrence figures. But Adam is always the one who initiates touch.)
Whatever the reason, he finds that he’s somebody who enjoys physical affection. It’s a bit of a surprise to him.
(He’s never been the most affectionate man, he admits that, not with Alison, even as he cared for her deeply. This new development feels like yet another aspect of himself coming out from behind a hidden curtain.)
…
There’s one slight problem though, or rather, it’s a problem for Lawrence.
Adam’s affectionate nature isn’t contained within the walls of their apartment. When they go out together, Adam is borderline glued to his side. Whether it’s an arm around his waist, or a hand holding his, Adam is always touching him.
Lawrence nearly jolted out of his skin when Adam first took his hand in public, only a day or two after they had begun dating.
It wasn’t that the touch was unwarranted, or offensive to Lawrence. But the fact that they were in public made him feel as though a spotlight had been placed on him. Suddenly, he could feel imaginary eyes on him.
(His heart had been pounding out of control during the entire duration of their five minute walk. It only stopped once they had returned to their apartment and the door between them and the outside world was firmly shut.)
He wonders initially if it was simply a high-anxiety day for him. Unfortunately that was not the case. Every time Adam touches him in public, it sends out panicked signals inside him that he simply can’t ignore.
People have stared at him in public since the bathroom. They stared at his cane, and, if they could see it, stared at his prosthetic, just barely visible when his pant leg rucks up by accident.
Those were mostly stares of pity. Or even the occasional stare of horror as they imagined what could’ve happened to him.
(Sometimes they didn’t even need to imagine. He’d had people approach him telling him that they prayed for his recovery when they heard about him on the news. It’s always meant well, but the encounters always leave him with a reminder that his life is no longer only his, it belongs to a larger canon of the Jigsaw killer.)
It’s different when he’s with Adam.
The stares still occur, but the emotion he can detect from them changes. They range from slight confusion to disdain to open hostility.
(People didn’t typically stare at him and Alison when they went out together, because why would they? He and Alison were the most run of the mill average couple. People had sometimes stared at him at the very beginning of his transition, all those years ago, but even then he’d had enough of a masculine build that he went under the radar.)
It gets so bad that it puts him on edge every single time Adam’s hand so much as brushes his in public. Let alone when Adam tries to kiss him, which isn’t often.
(Adam had tried once, and Lawrence had backed away from him so quickly he nearly dropped his cane. They’d never brought it up again afterwards.)
…
He can’t really bring this up to Adam. It feels cruel to admit his own fear to him. Adam’s been open about his gender and sexuality for years, regardless of what it cost him.
(Adam had once told him a story about him and a previous boyfriend being chased for five blocks by a pickup truck as the driver screamed at them. Adam tells the story laughing, but Lawrence is deeply horrified, and the story sticks with him for weeks afterwards.)
Lawrence, meanwhile, has only ever felt comfortable in hiding. He’s been stealth for most of his adult life, and he only recently even considered his attraction to men as a serious possibility.
(When he was younger, living the life that he has now had felt impossible. It was difficult enough to be seen as himself, losing his entire family over his need to be a man, but to be a gay man? That was unthinkable. So he had settled for a life as a straight man and fought to be happy with that.)
Despite being much older than Adam, he feels like he lags behind him in terms of self confidence. He doesn’t want to make his insecurities and his lack of experience in this world Adam’s burden.
Instead, he tries to keep things moderate. He lets Adam be all over him at home, but the minute they leave the house, he’s fairly reserved with his touch. A hand on the elbow to help Adam steady if needed, but nothing beyond that.
It’s not perfect. But it’s what works for him for now.
…
They’re coming back from a date night when it all boils over.
(Date nights are also something new, and they’ve been very casual. This time was just a visit to a bar that Adam had been eyeing for some time, where Lawrence had felt very out of place with the average age demographic. He had politely turned down Adam’s mostly joking offer to dance.)
Adam’s had maybe a drink too many and is leaning on Lawrence for support. It’s fairly deserted outside, so Lawrence doesn’t mind slipping an arm over his shoulder to keep him steady.
(Adam jokes that between Lawrence’s fucked up leg and his own fucked up shoulder, they make a single complete person, which makes Lawrence snort a little. He doesn’t let anybody besides himself and Adam joke about that.)
When they reach a corner, he’s able to see some people on the other side of the street. This is, of course, the moment Adam decides to start sloppily pressing kisses to the side of his face.
His entire body freezes when somebody’s head turns to look at them. It’s too far away for Lawrence to be able to read their faces. That doesn’t matter. It sends off alarm bells in the back of his head.
“Adam.” He says in a low warning voice.
“Mmhm?” Adam says, his face still pressed to Lawrence’s neck. His breath is warm against the cool night air, a fact that Lawrence wishes he was able to enjoy more. But he can’t. All he can feel is terror.
“Somebody’s watching.” He says even quieter. His entire body feels stiff with fright, his fight or flight reflexes clashing inside him.
“Let ‘em watch.” Adam responds, his voice slurring slightly as he tries to pull Lawrence closer. That’s the exact opposite response that Lawrence wants.
“No.” Lawrence shakes his head and gently disentangles himself from Adam, pulling away until they’re standing separately. He only needs to get the briefest look on Adam’s face to see the massive amount of hurt painted plainly on it.
“What’s wrong with you?” Adam says, and there’s a real note of venom creeping into his voice. It’s something that Lawrence has heard before, but only when Adam is at his most upset.
“What?” He says.
“Is it really that fucking embarrassing to be seen with me?” Adam snaps. Lawrence feels like he’s suffering whiplash.
(He never thought that Adam would’ve labeled himself as the cause of Lawrence’s discomfort. Perhaps that was short-sighted of him, he’s realizing in hindsight. Adam tends to view himself as a burden generally, why wouldn’t Lawrence’s seeming unwillingness to public affection be roped into that?)
“That’s not-we can talk about this at home.” Lawrence says, keeping his voice as calm as possible. He desperately doesn’t want to have an argument in the middle of the street, when he’s trying to keep attention off of them.
“Whatever.” Adam says in a huff, and they continue to walk in silence back home. Adam puts a solid foot of space between the pair of them.
(The chill of the night air has nothing on Adam’s incredibly frosty demeanor for the rest of their walk.)
…
Once they get back to their apartment building, Adam storms off to the back alley before they get inside.
Lawrence doesn’t follow him. He knows that’s where Adam goes to cool down when he’s frustrated or angry, or in this case, hurt. And he truly wants Adam to be as cooled down as possible for the conversation he’s sure they’re about to have.
(Maybe that’s selfish, but it’s still true. In turn, it leaves him plenty of time to prepare for the conversation they need to have.)
He does run over what he’s about to say as he makes his way up the stairs, his cane clicking with every step and his leg starting to smart painfully from all the walking. That he’s not embarrassed by Adam, he’s embarrassed by himself? That he’s afraid?
He sighs and sits down on their couch. He wishes they’d had this conversation before they were together.
(Once again, maybe he’s been extremely naive. It should’ve been clear to him from the beginning that dating a man for the first time when he’s approaching forty five would’ve been difficult. There’s so many things he’d never considered, but one thing is clear. He’s happier with Adam than he’s ever been in his life, and he doesn’t want to give him up.)
He loses track of time sitting on the couch, trying to put his thoughts into words.
The door to their apartment opens about an hour, and Adam slinks back inside, shutting the door behind him. He looks vaguely guilty as he and Lawrence eye each other, clearly both waiting for the other to speak first.
“I think we should talk.” Lawrence says. He’s been praticing that phrase in his head for the better part of ten minutes, but it still doesn’t come out exactly the way he wants it to.
“No shit.” Adam says with a dry and deeply unhappy laugh. He does walk over though, and sits in the chair in their living room.
(Lawrence has never felt the emptiness of the couch more than right at this very moment. When was the last time either of them had actually sat in that chair instead of being together on the couch?)
“Look, ‘m sorry I acted like a baby.” Adam mutters.
“You weren’t-” Lawrence begins, but Adam plows ahead.
“But I’m not gonna fucking lie and pretend I’m not annoyed, or, like that I’m fine with everything.” Adam says, a little bit of an edge creeping back into his voice.
“You’re angry about me pulling away from you.” Lawrence says. He definitely picked that up in therapy, he thinks with a small rush of embarrassment.
“I mean, yeah, fuck, a little. It’s not even a you thing. I’m just…plenty of people liked to fuck with my head. Be all cute in private and pretend not to know me in public.” Adam’s talking like every word is a tooth being pulled out of him.
(Adam hasn’t spoken much about his past dating history. But from what little he’s said, Lawrence can infer that it left Adam with a great deal of invisible wounds to deal with. His words now only confirm Lawrence’s suspicions further.)
“I understand.” Lawrence nods, and tries to collect his words before he speaks.
“It’s not about that. It’s not that I don’t want to be seen with you, or that I’m ashamed, it’s -“ He trails off a little.
“You’re just not used to being seen as a fag.” Adam says abruptly. Lawrence only barely avoids flinching at his words.
“Essentially, yes.” He says. “I’m still getting used to being with a man and… being seen as being with a man.”
“I admit, I didn’t think it would be as difficult as this.” Lawrence sighs.
“I don’t know what to tell you Larry. Welcome to the club.” Adam says dryly. There’s still a layer of hurt under his words, trying to hide behind nonchalance.
“I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m just telling you what I’m…feeling. You’re incredibly important to me, Adam, so I want to be honest with you.” Lawrence tells him. Adam’s expression softens out a little at that.
“I get it, I do. It can feel like a lot sometimes.” Adam says. Lawrence nods in agreement.
“Especially when you’re old.” Adam adds flippantly.
“Hey.” Lawrence says, but he does feel himself crack a small smile at that.
I won’t be all over you in public anymore.” Adam says.
“Thank you.” Lawrence nods. “Just, for the time being.” He assures him.
“As long as I can have you in private.” Adam says. He walks over to Lawrence and wraps his arms around him, leaning into him. Lawrence holds him back, letting Adam slide down and sink his face into his chest.
“Of course.” Lawrence promises.
(As far as he’s concerned, Adam will always be able to have him in some capacity. But he doesn’t say that verbally. Instead he holds Adam back and tries to let it be known that way.)