Work Text:
It was another restless night. These weren’t an uncommon occurrence for Atsushi, they happened a lot, but they were more annoying than anything.
It wasn’t a surprise for Atsushi tonight specifically. He was physically exhausted from a day with Akutagawa, since Dazai insisted he go on that mission with the man. He really didn’t understand why Dazai kept making him and Akutagawa collaborate, they didn’t get along at all.
But why? Why does Atsushi get so concerned for him? Why would Atsushi worry when he gets hurt? They’re supposed to hate each other, they’re enemies.
But Atsushi worries nonetheless. He thinks this is supposed to mean something, but he can’t really put his finger on it… And then it hits him like a baseball bat.
Oh, shit.
Atsushi is in love with Akutagawa. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, but the butterflies he gets in his stomach are unmistakable. Unfortunately, it’s followed by an immediate feeling of dread. Those butterflies suddenly turned to bile riding up his throat.
There’s no way he’d like me, was all he thought, anxiously swallowing the lump in his throat, sending the bile back down. He hates me.
Atsushi believed he had no choice. He’d get killed by Akutagawa if the man knew, so he’d just keep him from knowing. After all, he had no chance. Akutagawa was so focused on gaining Dazai’s approval that he had no time for anything else. The thought made Atsushi’s lungs burn, and made him sick to his stomach. He ignored the feelings, turning around in his bed and going to sleep.
He thought the burning in his lungs were just remnants from the feeling of dread.
When he woke up the next morning, he’d mostly forgotten about it. It wasn’t much more than a lingering thought pressing at the back of his head. The thought on his mind was food, the smell of Kyouka’s cooking emanating through the sliding door of the closet he laid in.
He emerged shortly after waking up, stretching his back and arms out. He quickly found Kyouka waiting for him with the food.
“You know, you don’t have to wait for me every morning, Kyouka-chan.” Atsushi smiled at her.
“But I will anyway.” Kyouka said back.
“Thank you for the meal.” They said together, and they started to eat.
Atsushi had had an itch in his throat since he woke up, and it was starting to bother him. He leaned into his elbow to cough, and processed the taste of iron before anything else. The second thing he processed was the red spider lily petal that drifted from the blood in his inner elbow onto the floor.
When he fully registered what was going on, he slapped a hand onto his mouth, suddenly feeling very nauseous. He barely noticed Kyouka looking at him confused as he scrambled up and ran to their shared bathroom. The moment he hit the floor in front of it, he began throwing up what he just ate, mostly due to the shock of the situation.
He trembled as he stared at the petals and blood mixed in with the chunks of food. Kyouka, who he didn’t notice following him, placed a hand on his back. He looked at her, fear in his eyes. “Kyouka-chan, I think I’m going to die.”
She could only look at him confused. “I have Hanahaki, Kyouka. I- What do I do?”
Kyouka had heard of it. Knew what would happen, and knew a treatment.
“Should we go see Yosano-san?” Atsushi looked at her like she suggested beheading a puppy. “You’re sick. You could die. I don’t know who it is, but I know I don’t want you to die.”
“What if she makes me get the surgery? I can’t- I can’t forget him.”
“...” Kyouka didn’t know how to respond. Did Atsushi want to die? Just for.. Whoever this mystery man is? “I don’t think she’ll make you.. But maybe we should go see her just in case. Please?”
Atsushi swallowed his bundling nerves and nodded.
They left shortly after, in their actual work clothes. When they arrived at the office, Yosano was nowhere in sight. He had a feeling he knew where she was, but decided to ask someone just to be sure.
“Kunikida-san? Do you know where Yosano-san is?” Atsushi asked.
“In the infirmary, why? Are you injured?” Kunikida responded, asking a question of his own.
“Mm, it’s nothing. I just needed to ask her something. Thank you, Kunikida-san.” Atsushi quickly said, pulling Kyouka behind him before she could say anything. “..I don’t want anyone else to know.”
Kyouka could understand.
–
“Hmm. I can’t do much to help you. There is medicine to help relieve the pain so that you can function better.. But Atsushi-kun, you only have a month to live at most unless you get the surgery.”
Atsushi bit his lip. He was glad Yosano wasn’t making him actually get the surgery, but he wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do. He didn’t want to forget Akutagawa, he couldn’t. Atsushi knew Dazai would probably want him to collaborate with him again in the near future, and it would complicate things if he just forgot the man. “I’ll think about it. Thank you, Yosano-san.”
Yosano bit her lip as Atsushi got up. Before he left the room, she quickly asked the question burning at the forefront of her mind. “Atsushi-kun, wait. Who is it?”
Atsushi swallowed, giving her a sad smile. “Akutagawa.” Her eyes filled with a somber understanding. Kyouka looked at him in shock.
“I see... You’re free to go now.”
The rest of the day passed with little incident. Atsushi knew this would not be the case after some time, especially since Hanahaki killed fast, apparently. The words one month floated through his head almost relentlessly. Atsushi hoped his stress was not noticeable, but with both Ranpo’s and Dazai’s keen eyes he was sure they knew something was up.
He was glad they didn’t say anything, though. Atsushi wasn’t sure what he would respond with if they questioned it or even mentioned it. Would he brush it off or would he confess? Would he say anything at all? The thoughts swirling in his head kept distracting him from his tasks, and he wasn’t entirely sure he got much done compared to his usual.
Kyouka accompanied him when he eventually left the office for the day. She was silent on the walk back, which didn’t surprise Atsushi very much, but it was more of a somber silence than anything. “Cheer up, Kyouka-chan! It’s not like I’m dead yet.” Atsushi tried to joke, noting that was probably not the best idea considering the news seemed to hit Kyouka pretty hard.
“But you will be if you don’t get the surgery.” Atsushi couldn’t help but acknowledge that fact.
“Yeah.. I’ve still got about a month left, though.” He could only hope a month was enough to get his mind together.
–
It was about a week or longer into him having the disease that he started to cough up full flowers and leaves. He was counting the days. He could feel the vines pressing up against his ribcage, and his decline in health became more noticeable.
Kyouka accompanied him almost wherever he went if it wasn’t inside the office. With Yosano’s help, it wasn’t as physically painful as it could have been, but nonetheless Atsushi lost sleep with the knowledge that he was going to die soon. He didn’t want the surgery, but couldn’t come to terms with his own future passing. Kyouka still insisted that he should get the surgery, but he opted to not listen.
He was sure the growing bags under his eyes were getting noticeable. He maintained his eating schedule, eating as much as he did even before he got Hanahaki, but the lost sleep was something he just couldn’t help. Yosano had him come into the infirmary every now and then to check on how he was doing, and he could tell from her reactions every time that it was nothing good.
There was a trash can that sat under Atsushi’s desk. It almost overflowed with the amount of flowers Atsushi coughed up, so he occasionally replaced it at the end of the day, when no one could question what exactly was in it. He couldn’t exactly say that there were “bloody red spider lilies” and expect to be taken seriously.
He stared at the ceiling in his closet. He figured that, at this point, he had 3 options. Option 1 was to suffer through the entirety of it and eventually die, option 2 was to confess to Akutagawa and hope that his feelings were reciprocated, and option 3 was to get the surgery and forget about Akutagawa.
Despite the variety in outcomes.. Atsushi dashed the latter two out almost immediately. Option two would just lead to the same outcome as one, and Atsushi was sure that option 3 would interfere with work.. And Atsushi didn’t know if he could bear to forget him. He couldn’t say for sure if his reluctance with the surgery was due to work or his selfish reasons, but he didn’t want it.
Even if Atsushi was going to die in less than 3 weeks, he could at least remain grateful that he was still able to function normally with Yosano’s help. He fell into a night of restless sleep with that thought in mind.
When Atsushi woke up in the morning, it was in Kyouka’s absence. She was gone when he emerged from the closet, and Atsushi just assumed that she had business to do before work. He decided he could grab some breakfast at the cafe before he himself eventually had to start working. With that thought in mind, he pulled his work clothes on and set out earlier than usual.
He got to the office soon after eating. Kyouka was already there, but looked upset. He decided that the last week has been stressful for her, and that he shouldn’t bother her. He found his desk quickly and began to work.
The entire room’s eyes followed him when Yosano eventually pulled him out of the room. He was sure that even the most dense people in the room were catching onto something that didn’t seem quite right. But still, no words were said.
“...So, you’re coughing up entire flowers now?” Yosano asked. Atsushi nodded his head in confirmation. “It looks like it’s progressing faster than normal.. It’s not unheard of, but still it’s concerning. While most of the disease’s victims have a month, maybe longer to live… Some patients have only weeks. You might not even have had a month, Atsushi.”
Atsushi bit his lip, processing this information.
“It’s not too late to change your mind about the surgery, Atsushi.” Yosano said softly. “Yes, you might forget him, and yes it will interfere with work, but it’s better to have you alive rather than dead.”
Atsushi sat there in silence. He didn’t know what he wanted. He seemed so adamant on not getting the surgery, but is this really what he wanted?
“Just think about it. Kyouka came in and asked me to help persuade you, but I can’t force your hand here. In the end, it’s up to you to decide what you want.”
“Thank you, Yosano-san. I’ll think about it.” He knew he would, and he has been ever since he got diagnosed, but he didn’t know if he would actually change his mind about it. He didn’t think he could. He was so far in now that he didn’t see himself trying to climb back out.
–
Yet another week passed, and Dazai had informed Atsushi that he would be working on another mission with Akutagawa. It wasn’t as significant as previous ones, but it was still one that involved the Port Mafia and the Armed Detective Agency. It was something easy that could be handled just by the two of them.
“Atsushi! Let me come, please. I can’t- What if you- Please..” Kyouka was pleading. This was the most desperate Atsushi had ever heard her. He shook his head solemnly.
“Kyouka-chan. I think this is it.” He smiled sadly. “I just want to see him one more time. I don’t want you to see me when I do. Even though I can’t tell him myself.. Please let him know I love him when you next see him, can you promise me?”
Kyouka nodded. “Thank you, Kyouka-chan. For everything. …Goodbye.”
“...Goodbye, Atsushi.”
Kyouka went to stand by Dazai, who was seeing him off. He gave her a curious look, holding all the questions he didn’t know how to phrase in his eyes. “What’s going on?”
Kyouka stands there for a moment, watching Atsushi walk off into the distance, a tear falling from her eye. “..Atsushi has Hanahaki disease. He thinks he’s going to die on this mission.”
“What..?” Dazai was shocked. He considered calling him back but Kyouka stopped him.
“Let him go. He wanted to see him one last time before he died.”
“Who?”
“Akutagawa.”
Dazai immediately understood the implications. Atsushi believed Akutagawa couldn’t love him, and that’s what led them to this point. They both turned around, returning to the office. Waiting for the news of someone who wouldn’t return.
–
“Jinko, you look worse off than you did the last time I saw you,” was the first thing Akutagawa said when Atsushi arrived at the meeting point.
“Yeah, well, things happen.” Atsushi said simply. Akutagawa raised an eyebrow at the lack of bite Atsushi put into it, but walked off anyway, assuming Atsushi would follow. He did, catching up to Akutagawa so that they were walking side by side.
“Akutagawa, I think this is going to be my last mission.” Atsushi said as casually as possible.
“...What do you mean by that?”
“Do you remember when you told me you were dying from a lung disease?” Atsushi asked. Akutagawa narrowed his eyes.
“Get to the point, what does that have to do with this?”
“...This disease I have will kill me after this mission.”
Atsushi kept walking, but stopped when he realized Akutagawa wasn’t walking anymore. Atsushi looked back to face the man, who looked shocked.
“What?”
“Akutagawa, I have Hanahaki. I am going to die today.” Atsushi emphasized. “I just wanted to let you know so that you won’t be too surprised when it happens.”
It wasn’t a complete lie. There was another reason he was letting Akutagawa know, but he decided to keep that one close to his chest. It would mess up the mission if he let the man know now.
“Besides, aren’t you happy to get me out of your skin?”
Akutagawa said nothing, just started walking again.
The mission was a simple one. There was an organization that was trying to threaten both the Armed Detective Agency and the Port Mafia, who were protecting Yokohama, but they weren’t big enough to be a threat, which was why they only sent Atsushi and Akutagawa.
They found the organization’s base easy enough, since they’d already had the coordinates given to them by Dazai. The moment Akutagawa knocked the door down with Rashoumon, Atsushi morphed his arms and jumped into action.
He had to keep the lilies down for now. No matter how much they wanted to come up, Atsushi shoved them back. They burned his throat and suffocated him, but he couldn’t allow that to interfere with his last mission. The Armed Detective Agency pulled him out from the depths, he wasn’t allowed to mess this mission up.
The organization didn’t expect the attack. Almost none of the members were actually gifted, save for a few, but even they couldn’t do much against the onslaught from the weretiger and Akutagawa. It wasn’t long before all of the targets were either knocked out or dead.
It wasn’t long before Atsushi collapsed, letting loose a bouquet of flowers. Akutagawa immediately turned his focus onto him. Atsushi wasn’t outwardly injured in the slightest, but Akutagawa knew exactly what was happening from the flowers and blood spilling out of his mouth.
Atsushi fell onto his side and, in a panic, Akutagawa drew his head into his lap, watching Atsushi take shallow breaths. Blood and petals spilled from Atsushi’s mouth, and Akutagawa probably would have been mesmerized by the almost artful scene if it weren’t for the fact that Atsushi was dying.
Akutagawa had come to terms with it a while ago. He was in love with the weretiger, but hid those feelings out of fear. But it backlashed, and now he had to hold what could have been the love of his life in his lap as he took less and less air into his lungs and spilled more and more blood and flowers.
Atsushi smiled up at him. “I’m.. Glad I got to see you… One last time… Akutagawa.”
His smile dropped as the light left his eyes.
“No, no no no. You’re supposed to die by my hand. You’re not allowed to die now. Wake up, Jinko. Please.” Akutagawa’s plea fell onto deaf ears. “Wake up, Atsushi.”
Akutagawa cried.
–
There was a funeral held for Atsushi. Akutagawa attended, was the only one in the Port Mafia to go, but he didn’t say a word or shed a tear. He felt more tired than ever. He’d wished Atsushi had told him just who it was so he could go and scream at them for taking away the man he loved. As annoying as the weretiger was, Akutagawa still loved him.
There was a sudden presence beside him, a surprising one. Kyouka wasn’t wearing her normal kimono, instead wearing a nice dress shirt with a black skirt. She still wore her mother’s phone around her neck. The girl had her head down, and she trembled as she wheeled her hand back and punched him in the arm.
It didn’t hurt Akutagawa by any means, but he still stumbled back from the surprise of the punch.
“You are a horrible, horrible man,” Kyouka whimpered, “and you did not deserve him.” She looked up at Akutagawa, revealing the tear streaks running down her face that were joined by new tears.
“But he still wanted me to tell you that he loved you.”
That sentence hit Akutagawa like a train. It was him? Akutagawa?
It was me? I killed him?
Akutagawa had to clench his fists in order to prevent himself from crying. He was sure his attempt was futile, because his eyes stung with unshed tears and his face was starting to scrunch up. He looked away from Kyouka in shame.
He stayed until the sun fell, stayed even after Kyouka left. He sat down by the freshly moved dirt, leaning against the new tombstone in the ground, letting his sorrows out.
“I’m sorry, Atsushi.”