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This winter day was far from ideal. It started as usual, some mundane tasks and, surprisingly, quite decent weather. We drove around the town with almost nothing to do. I could sense frustration building up in the air, as my partner sighed from time to time. He, as well as I, was always up for a challenge. And today did not seem to offer us any. The difference was, Joo Won’s still young. A man his age needs action, needs to overcome obstacles, always must figure out something in order to feel satisfied. I understand this far too good. However, when you’re over 40, the spark slowly dies. Maybe that’s what intrigues me in this boy the most?
My phone rang. The Old Man was lost once again. Joo Won gave me a quick look and simply asked:
-Old Man?
I nodded and sped up. Luckily, we weren’t too far from the man’s regular runaway spot. The road was unusually clear. I suddenly felt a chill go down my spine. I glanced quickly at my partner – he was giving me a concerned look. I did not understand why, so I got my eyes back on the road. Still better than when we first went to look for the Old Man. I smiled and pulled over next to the field.
Even though it was a rather warm day, the sky was getting darker, and the wind put a cold chill on across our faces. We split up and soon I found the man. He was much calmer than most of the times he’d run from home. That was a good thing, so it also did put me to peace. We delivered him safely to his daughter. Joo Won was incredibly silent during the whole ride. When I was talking to the Old Man’s daughter, Joo Won got a phone call. I watched, as his face expression changed from dull to somehow elated. I immediately knew the conversation must have been related to work. Joo Won never gets so excited by anything other than that.
I was right. We hopped in the car and got to the police station. There, chief told us about this place we needed to investigate. It was supposed to be some kids’ crack den or something like that. However, the report came from a not-so-credible source, thus we weren’t expecting much of it. We got there and parked in a safe distance. Joo Won, though looking as cold as always, actually showed a variety of emotions, most notably anticipation. Yet he didn’t really seem to notice me through all this...
We stepped cautiously through the entrance of a wooden house. It appeared to be abandoned, with broken windows and a smell of unspecified kind. As we made our way to what may have been a kitchen, we heard some noises coming from the upper floor. We looked at each other. I noticed Joo Won had his hands on his firearm. His eyes were gleaming. I held my breath for a moment, then went up as quietly as I could. I knew Joo Won was behind me. It was always kind of reassuring...
We entered a poorly lit room. The noise, which turned out to be a laugh, suddenly stopped. Eyes of four children present turned to us. I analysed the scene quickly. They were all lying in sleeping bags. All four boys looked clean and decent. In the middle of the room was a map, some papers, a pack of cigarettes and some other, unimportant stuff. A few large candles were the source of light. However, it did not seem to be any kind of “crack den” or a cult. From what I could see, the kids were genuinely scared of us and reacted normally to the light coming from my flashlight.
-What are you doing here? - I asked, greeted with dead silence. With no answer, I pointed at one of the boys – You. What is going on?
The boy, probably about 12 or 13, reminded me of a sad pug. Yet apparently, he was more afraid of staying quiet than speaking so he said:
-We just heard there was a dead body somewhere in this area and wanted to see it... We... We have never seen a dead body, sir. So, we wanted to stay the night here. We actually came a long way...
-Alright. Do your parents know? - Joo Won stepped in, not allowing the kid to finish.
I tried not to laugh. Yes, of course their parents let them go and look for some corpse at an undisclosed location, then sleep in a life-threatening wreck, because this couldn’t be called a house anymore. Joo Won was sometimes so out of touch with the real life. Of course, the boys went silent again. I could sense that he wasn’t going to put up with this.
-Alright, pack up. We’re going home.
They did not speak a word, probably too embarrassed by this whole situation. But these weren’t bad kids. They were just kids – curious, looking for adventure and new experiences. I was like that once, welcoming the new and unknown with open arms. Maybe I still was, maybe the spark hasn’t died just yet...
We agreed that I was going to get them to the station and contact their parents, while Joo Won would wait for me. The sunshine climbed up the sky, with pink shades spreading behind curtains of clouds. It reminded me of his eyes, sparkling like cold champagne. I wished the view could’ve been clearer, but I wasn’t sure if I was referring to what I was seeing with my eyes or with my mind. But you can’t always get what you want. Everyone had to learn that lesson the hard way once.
The case closed quickly, just as I hoped. It was also a pleasant ending – the parents were happy to see their sons safe and sound, just being kids and making mistakes. It got kind of emotional, so I left. There wasn’t much left to do for me now anyways. I drove back to the location. Not two minutes into the ride, rain started pouring heavily.
-Holy fuck... - I muttered.
He was standing in the rain, just like that. Typical of him. He didn’t even notice when I pulled up next to him, his head in the shoulders and eyes probably closed. I honked. That’s when he looked up at me and ran to the car with an eerie look on his face. He, once again, sat in silence, almost drowning. I didn’t care that the seat was soaking wet. What I cared about was that I needed to get him dry and warm. Fast.
We went to my place, and I told him to take off his clothes and take a bath. He looked kind of dead to me, so I tried to explain him everything slowly. I believe he’s not the biggest fan of rain. I poured water in the bathtub and toned down the lights. I found a spare towel and left it in the bathroom. Then I left, just wishing he wouldn’t really drown. I made some jasmine tea and sat by the window. The sky was already dark, with only streetlights reminding me of the rainfall. Yet I was able to listen to its repetitive, calming sounds. I laid my head on the window glass and closed my eyes. Tap. Tap. Tap...
What I thought was just a moment, must have been quite some time, as I opened my eyes to the sound of kettle’s high-pitched whistle. I shook my head and got to the kitchen. There he was – fresh, peaceful and... strangely pretty. Like he wasn’t even real, just a pure, shiny entity. He looked my way and smiled lightly. He took a sip from his cup and went to the bedroom. I stood there, with my mouth open. Was he wearing my old clothes?
I went after him. Now he was standing beside the window, staring at the darkness behind it.
-Have you ever run away from home? - he asked, yet I wasn’t sure, if he wanted me to answer it. But I did, as I suddenly felt I had nothing to hide.
-Yes. It’s not really the best feeling in the world when you’re the worse child and feel like the worst in the whole world. And you?
He looked down and his face changed.
-No, I didn’t, even though I thought of it every day. I was trying to be the perfect child and I was still the worst. I’ve never understood that. And I still feel like running away...
That’s when he looked at me. His expression serious, yet somehow pleading... Like he wanted me to do something. Or was it all just in my head?
I remember it put a chill on my face, like the air of December. I swear I remember it that way. It was such a strong feeling. His posture emanated with pain, pain so deep and hidden for years I just wanted to fall on my knees and plead it all went away. But in reality, I had no idea what to do. Then Joo Won just said:
-I need to go now. Thank you for taking care of me.
I stood there speechless, as he bowed and went out. What the hell? His car was at the station, and he left all his things... Oh, I knew what this was all about. I surely do know how hard it is to show your feelings. So, I ran after him, though he didn’t go far, as it was still raining. He was standing right on the porch, cold and statue-like. I didn’t want to say something wrong, so instead I just commanded:
-Come back inside.
To my surprise, he listened. He didn’t look at me. He just went inside and lied on my bed, face down, arms at his sides. And I thought he looked dead before... I raised an eyebrow and sat beside him. I started stroking his hair. It was just him, me and silence. Unbreakable, yet comfortable silence. His dark, straight hair danced with my fingers. It was incredibly soft. I couldn’t help but chuckled lightly.
A moment ago, he opened to me, which was an extremely rare occurrence by itself. The atmosphere became freezing and hard to handle. We were both choking on its heaviness, so he tried to escape, as always. But I didn’t let him. That’s why he listened. That’s why he’s still here.
But maybe there was more to it?
Joo Won turned on his back and put his hands on his torso. He watched me with those big eyes. I leaned closer, losing most of my confidence. I wasn’t really used to feeling like that, but I didn’t really care. I was in the moment.
I don’t know how long we stared at each other, trying to remember every detail of our appearance, every line, every shadow distinguishable in almost complete darkness. He reached for my face with his right hand. I could feel him study it with his fingers, as he was trying to take an image to exist in his physical memory. But I wasn’t going anywhere. I realised, that I was there for him. All this time, with all the opportunities that came, I was still here.
My eyes widened. He must’ve noticed, because his movements suddenly stopped. Instead, he sat up slowly, not losing sight of me for even a second. Then, he wrapped his arms around me tightly. I sighed in relief, although my heart was racing. I felt so many emotions being released that moment. A chill came through my body. I felt so light with it. I knew I haven’t experienced that in a long time. Maybe never...
Then everything calmed down. We were just hugging each other, his head resting on my shoulder. I felt as nothing existed beyond us in that moment. Like it was the zenith of my life, and nothing was going to come after that. I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.
Then I felt Joo Won’s breathing became more regular and quieter. He fell asleep. That son of a bitch fell asleep right here in my arms. I had nothing more to do, than lay him down, cover with a blanket and lie down next to him. He looked peaceful and in ease. It made me feel the same way. I still don’t know how he does that, why he has such an impact on me.
But as I watched him, I felt a spark in me coming to life. Maybe there are more sparks in people than I thought? Maybe mine wasn’t as dead as I thought?
I didn’t want to think too much. I just wanted to go to sleep with a smile on my face. I stroked Joo Won’s hair tenderly once again and closed my eyes. For the first time, I wanted to open them the next morning.