Archive of Our Own

At thirteen, Kai thinks that if love looked like something, he’d say it looks like Soobin laying on his bed with his legs up in the air, playing something on his older brother’s Nintendo DS and laughing with himself at something on the screen. It’s a daily thing in his life by now, Soobin chilling in his bedroom after school while he does his homework. Nothing out of the ordinary, but still something is different today compared to all the other times Soobin was in that same position in his bed. The shift in this everyday scenario came three days ago when a girl in his class whispered to her nearby friend: “Soobin is so handsome, isn’t he?” while Soobin was taking longer than necessary to solve a math equation on the board.

Since that statement, or at least what sounded like one to Kai’s curious ears, he couldn’t get the words to stop floating in his head, deep discussions with himself filling his mind before going to sleep. Is Soobin handsome? What makes the girls see him as a handsome boy? Is it his pretty smile that makes his eyes close slightly? Is it his pretty dimples? Is it his soft cheek that Kai pinches whenever he has the chance? Is it his squeaky and loud laugh? Is it the way he always pushes or leans against someone when doing it? Before finally surrendering to sleep, Kai always thinks the same thing.

Soobin doesn’t need a reason to be handsome, he just is.

And that brings him to another discovery that isn’t as nice as knowing that Soobin is handsome. It’s something that’s been gnawing on his insides for quite a while, an itch he can never call a halt, a feeling that leaves him chewing on his nails and worrying at his lower lip. It’s a feeling that lingers in the corner of Kai’s mind, waiting for the moment to attack and knock him out for good.

Kai isn’t one to complain, but he’s sure thirteen is the hardest age of his life until now. He liked it better when he was twelve and didn’t have unusual thoughts in his head all the time. Thoughts about one boy in question, the same boy that shared an umbrella with him years ago and became his best friend the very next day, the same boy that is lying on his bed right now while complaining about losing in a game. A boy that makes Kai laugh and smile everyday, that makes him want things he never thought before. Thirteen is a hard age for Huening Kai because he can’t stop thinking about his best friend in a way he feels that he shouldn’t, in a way that he should think about girls and not boys — especially not this boy.

Thirteen is a hard age for Huening Kai because he’s sure that what he’s feeling for Soobin isn’t a small thing that will go away with time.

He’s sitting on a chair close to his desk, scattered papers and forgotten homework above the wooden surface, a pen twirling between his fingers while he tries to focus on anything other than Soobin. Anything other than the way his long legs kicks in the air when he gets a little too excited while playing, or the way his hair is splayed on Kai’s baby blue pillow, or the way he giggles and smile and cheers whenever something happens in the game, or the way he looks so pretty doing the most ordinary thing a thirteen-years-old boy can do.

Soobin really doesn’t need a reason to be pretty, he just is. And Kai is having the biggest crisis of his life upon learning this fact.

“No! No, no, no,” Soobin chants, a frown in his face while he sits up abruptly. Kai watches silently the way the boy mutters and huffs after losing the game, putting the DS away in the small bed and crossing his arms over his chest. One of Soobin’s famous tantrums, Kai is used to seeing it whenever there’s a game in the equation.

“Soobin, you’re so bad at games,” Kai jokes, swirling his chair until he’s in front of the table, pretending to be focusing on his homework all the time.

“I’ll let you know I’m getting better,” Soobin huffs. “I could even beat your ass someday.”

“Only in your dreams,” he snorts, scribbling something on the bottom of his notebook page. It looks like Soobin’s name, but he’s not that sure.

Lately, he’s been catching himself scribbling his best friend’s name a lot on the bottom corners of any sheet he has close to him. Nothing besides the name, written in the same size and too close to each other, until it becomes a mantra. Soobin, Soobin, Soobin, Soobin, Soobin. Five times, ten times, fifteen times. The name repeated itself over and over just like in his thoughts. Kai doesn’t remember ever feeling like this, ever doing something like this to any of the girls he thought were pretty.

“Whatcha doin’?” Soobin mumbles, laying in the bed again and staring at the ceiling.

“Homework,” Kai replies, changing the page to a clean one in his notebook.

“Isn’t it due only next week?”

“Yes.”

“So why are you doing it now when you have the whole weekend to do it?” Soobin argues, probably with one brow raised and a grimace.

“Because you always ask me to go somewhere with you on the weekends,” Kai retorts. “Besides, you know I don’t like to slack off when it comes to school.”

“Nerd,” Soobin says affectionately.

Silence engulfs the small bedroom, both boys lost in their own heads. Kai keeps pretending to be doing homework, staring at the empty sheet that’s waiting for him to solve a bunch of equations, while Soobin keeps staring at the ceiling. Kai decides to look up to see what Soobin’s eyes are so hypnotized with. He looks at the glow-in-the-dark stars and planets his parents helped him put on when he was ten. They’re not as funny in daylight as they are in nighttime — actually, they stopped being funny a long time ago, but Kai keeps them for childhood attachments. Besides, Soobin seems to like it a lot.

“Come lay down,” Soobin says, patting the space next to him without taking his eyes off the ceiling.

Another fact about Choi Soobin: it’s impossible to say no to him. Kai didn’t take that much time to learn this one, it was something that he got the gist of it after a few weeks being friends with the boy. Soobin doesn’t even need to look at you or ask you again, just one request coming from the other’s mouth is enough for Kai to leave everything behind and do whatever Soobin wants. Soobin doesn’t seem to notice the power he has over his best friend. Or maybe he does, and Kai is the only fool here to think that Soobin hasn’t realized his slowly but surely building crush.

“Already said I’m doing homework,” Kai says, looking sideways to where Soobin is splayed on his bed.

“Leave the homework for later,” Soobin huffs.

Kai admits defeat without even putting up a fight. He leaves the pen on the table and gets up from his chair, plopping down beside Soobin. The bed it’s too small for them, a tight fit that makes them be skin to skin while trying to accommodate. Soobin looks at him for a split second, his dimpled-smile blinding Kai for a too fast second before it’s gone. The evening glow lights the room, only silence and two boys staring at dull stars and planets. Kai lets his mind wander for a moment, to scenarios where Soobin is holding his hand while they stare at this same ceiling together, but being different people. Maybe Kai is a girl, maybe Soobin is a girl, anything to make this right and acceptable.

No matter how far his mind wanders, how many scenarios he pictures, he can’t change reality — and deep down, he’s not even sure if he wants to change how things are. He doesn’t want Soobin to be anything else except who he is.

“Hyuka,” Soobin calls, his voice soft like a breeze. “Have you ever thought about what kissing someone is like?”

Kai has to hold back from choking, blinking until the lump in his throat stops tightening around. It’s like being caught doing something wrong, he feels his whole body burning just from that question. If he has to be sincere, thinking about things like kissing and holding hands only pops in his head followed by Soobin’s image together. It seems like the majority of these ordinary but seen as romantic displays of affection walk hand in hand with the imaginary Soobin inside Kai’s head.

So yeah, he thought about what kissing someone will be like. Not someone, not anyone. Soobin. Kai thinks about what kissing Soobin will be like.

He can’t say that, so he settles to mumbling, “Why?”

“Ah, it’s just—” Soobin moves slightly, the pillow and sheets under him shuffling. “Jimin said she had her first kiss.”

Jimin is one of Soobin’s friends, a cute girl that talks to him about anime and it’s always around. Kai is ashamed to say that he felt jealous of her for a time, the way she holds Soobin’s wrist or hugs him or pokes his dimples. Kai didn’t feel jealous because Jimin is a girl and it’s the right thing, he felt jealous because she can freely do everything he wants to but can’t. It was complicated in the beginning, he’s getting better in the whole jealousy business. It’s a slow walk out of it, but he’s going to reach the end someday.

“What’s the matter?” Kai asks, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“Jimin told me a little too much about it, so I keep wondering,” he shrugs, eyes closed under the weak sunbeams coming through the curtains opening.

“Soobin-ah, do you want to kiss someone?” Kai nudges him playfully, hoping his voice doesn’t come off as defeated as he thinks. For a second he regrets asking that in the first place, the fear of knowing his best friend and crush already has his eyes on someone else is enough to shatter Kai’s young and fragile heart.

Soobin takes his time to answer, chewing on his bottom lip before opening his eyes and shaking his head. “No, I don’t have anyone I want to kiss.”

It’s a relief and a pain at the same time. A relief because there’s no one in Soobin’s eyes, he can rest assured that his heart won’t be broken so soon. A pain because no matter how much Kai hopes that Soobin somehow sees him the same way, it’ll never happen. Kai keeps forgetting that boys can’t like other boys this way, that the right isn’t what he feels for his best friend.

“Do you have someone you want to kiss?” Soobin asks, moving his head until he’s looking at Kai.

Kai gulps, not taking his eyes from the ceiling, not risking a glance at Soobin’s inquisitive eyes. “No.”

Soobin frowns slightly, his face moving once again until he’s back to the ceiling. Both stay silent for another moment, a thing that doesn’t happen very often. Soobin and Kai's friendship is filled with talks about everything and anything, a few bickering here and there, background sounds from songs they like playing or video-games soundtrack. Silence is only welcomed when one of them is napping while the other is reading, or when they’re trying to do their homeworks before another conversation sparks between them. Kai is not used to such a long silence, his skin itching to do something to change it.

“How do you imagine your first kiss will be?” Soobin asks, almost as if sensing that the silence is slowly making Kai uncomfortable.

“Oh, I never imagined it.” Lie, an ugly lie. Kai imagines it a little bit too much, always the same person, always the same feeling. Soobin, holding his face tenderly and kissing him shyly, lips glued together like he sees in movies. “I want it to be meaningful, to be with someone I like and that means a lot to me. Like in those movies where they kiss at the ending scene. That’s how I imagine it.”

“I can’t believe you’re the hopeless romantic type,” Soobin chuckles, shaking his head in denial. “Don’t you think it’s too out of reach for a kiss?”

“You told me to say what I imagined,” he huffs, rolling his eyes. “Tell me yours.”

“I’ll let you know it’s nothing big like yours,” Soobin says, a small smile blooming in his lips, always followed by his dimples greeting Kai. “I want it to be with someone that I know and trust. First kisses are always bad, at least that’s what everyone says, so I’m not putting a lot of expectations on it,” he rambles, talking as passionately about it as he does with whatever anime or novel he’s reading. “That’s all. I want to kiss someone that I trust and that will laugh it off if it’s too awkward.”

Hope is a dangerous thing for a still confused thirteen-years-old boy. He wants to ask Soobin, wants to say if he’s the one that Soobin wants to kiss, if he’s the one Soobin trusts and knows enough to kiss, if he’s the one that will laugh it off when this turns awkward. Kai sees that answer as a spark inside his mind. Kai wishes he was brave enough to let the question slip through his lips, but he’s not. If things were different, then he’d do something about it. What he does is only sigh and close his eyes, picturing a place where Soobin would kiss him while they’re close in his small bed, sunbeams painting a halo beside Soobin’s head and his chest about to explode to finally kiss the boy he likes.

“When we’re like this, it makes me feel like we’re stargazing,” Soobin comments, calling Kai’s attention. He opens his eyes to the ceiling, his daydream left behind in his mind. Daydreaming won’t take him anywhere.

“Have you ever stargazed?” Kai asks.

“No,” he says. “But I do it all the time here.”

"This is nothing like real stargazing,” Kai scoffs.

“Kai-yah, did your imagination get swallowed by all the math equations you like to solve?” Soobin mocks, one brow raised while he looks sideways to the boy next to him.

"Shut up.” Kai pushes him away, Soobin almost falling off the bed while erupting in giggles.

Just like that, the topic comes to an end. Soobin starts talking about some new anime he thinks Kai hasn’t seen yet and talks very passionately about plotline and character. No space left for silence, but Kai’s mind still finds little holes in between Soobin’s words to make him think about the kisses topic. Kai can’t take his friend’s words out of the crevices of his thoughts, walking around but always coming back to the starting line. Someone that I know and trust. It could be me, I could be that someone for him.

At fifteen, Kai thinks prom is overrated. He was expecting something way different from what he comes to see at his school gym. The decorations are boring, the songs playing are not his type, majority of the people here are seniors and the punch tastes like gasoline. The fact that he came all alone is one of the reasons why he’s tempted to turn around and take the bus back home. He’s sitting on the dirty hallway floor, back leaning on someone’s locker, the muffled tone of a pop song blasting from the gym acting as the soundtrack of the loser scene in his loser movie. 

He stares at his dirty sneakers and wonders why he can’t get up from the floor and walk back to the bus stop. He has the answer on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t want to say it aloud. He knows he’s waiting for Soobin to acknowledge his presence here — it’s the only reason why he came to prom tonight. The only reason he borrowed his cousin's bigger-than-him suit and allowed his sisters to play makeover on him, let his mom drive him to school and walk through the gym doors all alone. All to see Soobin, sporting his older brother’s baby blue suit and walking arm in arm with Jimin.

Kai wouldn’t say he regrets coming to prom tonight, but if he had the choice to stay home rather than coming here all because of a silly crush, he’d choose his home a million times.

That’s the problem with hope once it sparks inside you, it never goes away. Ever since that evening where they talked about what kissing would feel like and who they want to kiss, the thought never left Kai’s mind. If before he dreamed about kissing Soobin a few times, now he dreams almost daily. Sometimes it’s soft pecks on the cheek, forehead, hands; naive kisses that don’t cause any trouble. Other times, he’s haunted by the vision of scorching kisses that makes him breathless, heavy make out that makes him feel bad for thinking about this with his best friend, with a boy.

Kai is slowly coming to terms that fifteen is just as bad as an age as thirteen was.

“Hyuka!” 

He hears someone calling, footsteps coming to his direction until an old pair of sneakers stops in front of his own. Dark blue sneakers, with white details and too worn-out to be unrecognizable. Kai raises his head from the shoes, coming face to face with Soobin’s face in the dark hallway. Moonlight shines behind him, a halo forming around his head, divine in the eyes of teenager Huening Kai. Over the years, he realized that he was right about something he thought when he was thirteen. Soobin doesn’t need a reason to be handsome, he just is. Tonight, he can see it clearly.

“I was looking for you everywhere!” Soobin says, throwing himself next to Kai on the floor. Their knees touch, his heart beating a little too fast for comfort. Lately, it’s difficult to be so close to Soobin like this, his hormones making his crush increase tenfold. Kai can’t have that, not while he doesn’t understand everything about these feelings.

“Me?” Kai asks, pushing all his thoughts and feelings to the back of his head. His biggest fear after having to understand and deal with what he’s feeling and what he is, is Soobin knowing about his crush on him.

Soobin raises a brow. “Do you know any other Huening Kai?”

Kai shrugs. “Maybe I do.”

“Even if you do, I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t my Huening Kai,” he nudges him playfully, rolling his eyes. They both chuckle next, the muffled song changing to something slow and melodious. It’s time for the slow dance, the one couples usually use to kiss and pretend they’re protagonists in a movie.

Kai takes this time to glance at Soobin. He only saw his best friend from afar when he got here, sitting in the bleachers for some time before moving to the empty hallways. Soobin’s hair is slightly wavy, his sister probably took her time in getting her young brother ready for this event. His hair looks soft like this, Kai’s hands tingles to stroke it and see if it’s as soft as he thinks it is. The baby blue suit looks nice from up close, it has faint silver details that could go unnoticed if someone isn’t paying that much attention — and of course Kai always pays attention to whatever when it comes to Soobin.

Soobin looks handsome, and Kai’s heart is physically in pain from how much he likes this boy. How much he wanted to be one of those stupid couples in the dancefloor now, slow dancing so close that he wouldn’t be able to say where he starts and Soobin ends. Kai no longer dreads being a boy, no longer wishes to be a girl so he could have Soobin, but neither does he accept the reality that he can be a boy that desires another. The internet tells him the correct term is homossexual but majority says he’s gay, for others he’s a faggot, and for his parents he’s probably gonna be a disappointment.

Fifteen is a hard age for Huening Kai because he knows the weight of liking someone from the same gender.

“Do you need something?” Kai asks, before his mind can swallow him alive.

“No, was just looking for you,” Soobin replies, leaning his head on Kai’s shoulder like he always does.

Soobin is a clingy person from the beginning, always hugging or touching shoulders or petting heads, always blowing kisses and asking for pecks on the cheek. But ever since last year, his clinginess has taken a turn where he seems to want to be attached to anyone at all times. Not anyone, his clinginess is directed specifically at Kai. He hugs Kai whenever he wants, he strokes his hair and pets his head when he’s napping on recess or gets a good grade on his assignments. He asks for pecks on the cheek whenever they part ways and always wants to walk hand in hand when they’re together. His favorite thing to do lately is lean his head on Kai’s shoulder or throw small pecks on the boy’s neck when he thinks Kai isn’t paying attention.

All these things do nothing but make the spark of hope inside Kai’s heart stay alight.

“Well, I’m here,” he says, staring at Soobin’s knee moving from side to side, knocking into his softly. A pendulum, the push and pull of his feelings.

“I can see that,” Soobin huffs, his head moving slightly, almost as if he was nuzzling in Kai’s neck. “Not enjoying prom?”

“Not at all. I thought it’d be something more…” He thinks about the best word. He can’t straight up say that he thought prom would be unforgettable because he’d spend a whole night with Soobin doing stupid couple-y things. “Funny.”

“Funny?” He can’t see it, but he knows that Soobin’s eyebrows are probably furrowed.

“Yeah.” Kai sighs. “It isn’t funny when you’re on your own.”

“You’re not on your own anymore,” Soobin moves his head, hair grazing Kai’s cheek. He tries to look at the other, eyes slightly shining under the moonbeams. “Your best friend is here now.”

“Thank you, best friend,” Kai smiles. Even if his feelings are swallowing him alive, he’s always thankful to have Soobin as his best friend. Doesn’t matter if hormones are making him see boys in a different light, Soobin is still his best friend at the end of everything. “Where’s your date?”

“My date?” Soobin frowns for a moment, until he understands what Kai is talking about. “Oh, You’re talking about Jimin?” Kai nods, worrying at his lower lip. Soobin scrunches his nose, as if the thought isn’t as pleasing. “I have no idea where she is.”

“How come?”

“She’s not really my date, you know,” he says, lifting his head but coming back to the same place soon after. Always attached to Kai, never knows where one begins and the other ends. “She just wanted to make some boy jealous. Told me to go do my thing when the dude asked her to dance.”

“Do your thing?”

“Go after you,” he replies, voice sounding low and soft, as if it wasn’t something meant for Kai to hear.

He tries to hide the smile blooming in his lips, even if Soobin can’t really see. “So you’re all alone too.”

“No, I’m with you,” Soobin is fast to say. “I’m never alone when you’re with me.”

That’s where lines blurry for Kai. He knows the clear distinction between best friends and lovers, he knows where one thing starts and the other ends. But when he’s like this with Soobin, when he knows that he can never see the difference well, he can’t help but think that maybe there’s something else in Soobin's words. Maybe he feels the same, maybe he’s going through the same inner turmoil as Kai is going through. When lines get blurry, Kai doesn’t know where Soobin’s words are best friend’s things and lover’s things. That’s what’s killing him each day.

If he can’t see the difference between them, how can he be sure that Soobin feels the same as he does?

“Hey,” Soobin calls, Kai’s attention going straight to the boy’s head leaned on his shoulder. “Remember that evening we spent together in your room a few years ago?”

“Soobin, we spent almost all evenings together in my room,” he says, even if he knows exactly what Soobin is talking about. Kai lives that same evening inside his mind a million times before going to sleep. “You can’t expect me to recall one in question.”

“C’mon, Kai-yah,” Soobin whines, wiggling his body like a child. “That one we talked about kissing someone.”

“Oh,” Kai gulps, fearing whatever comes next. “What about it?”

“You asked me if I had someone I wanted to kiss and I said no,” he says, mumbling fast as he does whenever he’s talking about something that makes him embarrassed. Kai knows that a flush is following in tow with those words. He wishes he could see, Soobin always looks cute when he’s blushing. “I'll take it back now. I have someone I want to kiss.”

Everything inside Kai’s head disappears for a moment. The same fear he felt that evening comes back, the reality that Soobin likes someone to the extent of wanting to kiss them, someone that isn’t him — not like Kai was putting his hopes so high to the point of believing that Soobin could like him like that. For a second, he holds his breath and prepares his heart for the fall, praying that the damage won’t be big to the point he won’t be able to recover fast. When that second passes, all Kai can do is get himself back on the tracks and pretend everything is normal.

“You do?” He manages to say, glad his voice isn’t choked. “Who’s the girl?”

“Well…”

Soobin shifts next to him, like one does when they’re uncomfortable or anxious. Kai wonders if he’s crossing some line by asking that, what if Soobin doesn’t want to tell him? They’re best friends, but that doesn’t mean Soobin is obliged to tell every single thing to Kai. He wants to take back his question, especially when Soobin lifts his head and doesn’t come back. He leans it against the locker in his back, looking at the dark ceiling above them. The song changed again, another slow thing that Kai isn’t paying that much attention to know which one it is.

“Soobin?” Kai calls, fear chewing on his insides.

“It’s not a girl,” Soobin says it in one go, the words coming out so fast that Kai almost couldn’t understand it.

The muffled song is the only sound between them, Kai too dumbstruck by Soobin’s answer to be able to say something coherent. Hope is still a dangerous thing, especially when you’re fifteen-years-old Huening Kai. He can almost sympathize, Kai wants to say to Soobin that he knows what he’s feeling — even if he has no idea, since he has no idea what he’s feeling. All his inner turmoils go away, disappear in a blink of an eye, replaced by the same hope that follows Kai wherever he goes.

“Not a girl,” he repeats, parroting the words.

“No,” Soobin breathes out, his tone going softer and lower, a whisper to be swallowed by the sounds coming from the gym. “I’m not sure if I want to kiss girls.”

Kai audibly gasps. “That’s…”

“Weird, I know.” Soobin doesn’t dare look away from the ceiling, closing his eyes before Kai can see the feeling inside them.

“It’s not weird, it’s just…” He stops, trying to find the best words. Once again, Kai can’t tell the truth that easily. Or, he can? It’s a now or never situation, he’s no longer thirteen and scared. He’s fifteen and even if he’s still scared, he can tell the truth for once. “I don’t want to kiss girls too.”

It’s weird to say it aloud to himself and someone else at the same time. Kai never goes too far into his desire, never strays from the nagging path that he knows is the right one, even if his heart tells him otherwise. He knows he likes boys, knows his adoration and desire to be with one, knows his feelings for them are not the same for girls. The internet says he’s homossexual, and Kai doesn’t want to admit it but he knows the truth. And now, Soobin knows it too.

Soobin looks at him abruptly, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. “You don’t?”

“No,” Kai says, a lump forming in his throat. He admitted, but he’s not ready to dwell that deeply into this topic. “Since you don’t want to kiss girls, who do you want to kiss?”

Tonight, Soobin is more unsettling than normal. He moves once again, sitting on his knees and looking straight at Kai’s face. Under the faint moonbeams, one side of his face glowing and the other hiding by darkness, Soobin looks enchanting. He can’t compare him to a lot of things, but Soobin looks like an anime character like this. Kai can see the beams reflecting in his eyes, almost like stars twinkling in those orbs. Kai feels like he’s stargazing, like they usually do when he’s staring at his bedroom ceiling. Scratch that, Kai is Soobingazing tonight. There’s no star in the sky he wants to see more than the boy next to him.

“You,” Soobin breathes out, moving closer into Kai’s personal space. His knees touching Kai’s thigh side, a shock running through his body. “I want to kiss you.”

Kai’s eyes widen, his mouth opening and closing until he blurts out a choked, “Me?”

“Yes,” he chuckles softly, head leaning closer. Kai doesn’t remember his face ever being this close to Soobin’s. He can see everything and more, discovering things in his best friend’s face he never saw from the safe distance he put between them ever since his feelings came into the picture. “Do you want to kiss me too, Hyuka?”

The last words are a whisper professed with closed eyes, the same way one that is devoted to the other do. Everything is spinning around them, Kai can’t focus on anything other than Soobin’s face so close. The faint pimple scars on his cheek, the mole in the space between his nose bridge and his eye and the small one in his eyelids. The faint pinkish blush on his cheek and the way his lips look soft. Kai is so consumed by the desire to finally kiss Soobin that he almost forgets he was asked something, only remembering when Soobin opens his eyes and looks a little taken aback.

“I do.”

Kai moves as soon as those words leave his mouth. Hands cupping Soobin’s face, bringing him close and sealing their lips together before fear can take control over their bodies. It’s soft and innocent, more of a lingering peck than one of the kisses Kai saw over the years — but he’s not complaining, in his head it’s the perfect kiss. They stay in the same place, lips glued into one another, nothing more. Until Soobin’s hands are in Kai’s neck and someone’s tongue peeks and the kiss turns into something open-mouthed with tongues touching in a clumsy manner. It’s weird and nice at the same time, the type of kiss that Kai has no idea how to classify because it’s his first one.

For a first kiss, he couldn’t ask for anything better than this. Soobin’s face in his clammy hands and his soft lips glued to his chapped ones. The words the other said two years ago in Kai’s bedroom comes back to his mind. I want it to be with someone that I know and trust. Kai never imagined that he’d be that someone in the end, smiling into the kiss before he can hold himself back. Soobin pulls away, looking at Kai and shyly leaning his head on the boy’s shoulder, both chuckling together after.

For a first kiss, Kai wouldn’t change a thing.

At seventeen, Kai thinks he wants to marry in the future if he ever has the chance. Maybe it’s all the fairy lights, the hyacinths making honey and vanilla fill the air around him, the satin and lace decorating the place, the sun setting in the horizon showering the ship in all those pretty colors, the way Soobin’s older sister seems so happy while walking hand in hand with her husband. Maybe none of that. Maybe Kai has only seen Soobin looking just as happy as his sister and decided that he wanted to marry that boy in question. It’s a stupid thought, another one for the pile of things that he thinks about it and realize they’re stupid before they can get out of control.

The ceremony is cool, for lack of other words coming from a seventeen-years-old guy. Soobin’s older sister looked pretty in her wedding dress and all the other dresses she wore along the time — he stopped counting on the third dress, something yellow and more frilly so she could move properly while dancing and having fun. He knows absolutely nothing about the husband, but Soobin only talks nice things about him, so he must be a nice guy. The only thing that Kai can be truly sure of is that they’re in love, deeply in love. You can’t fake the look they both have in their eyes ever since they saw each other today.

Loneliness is the worst enemy for a full mind, it takes control of the routes and leads to places that Kai doesn’t want to walk in yet. But his mind doesn’t care what he wants and doesn’t want, it just brings the thoughts and forces him to deal with it. Kai is leaning on the ship’s bow fence, watching the dark and calm water under, swinging the ship slightly. He’s all alone for now, only the moon and the loud music coming from inside — and the casual smokers that come and go — keeping him company. The wedding is technically over, but he knows his parents won’t leave until the sun rises again. And that leaves Kai to his own thoughts, the ones he doesn’t want to deal with yet.

All thoughts filled with Soobin, for lack of any other subject for his mind to obsess about. 

Speaking of which, he feels the other boy’s presence first rather than hearing his voice. “Enjoying the wedding?”

“Hi, Soobin,” Kai greets. Soobin lightly nudges Kai’s arm, characteristic dimpled-smile on his lips. “Yeah, it’s nice.”

“Only nice?” He raises an eyebrow, snorting. “My sister will be very sad if all you have to say about her dream wedding is that it’s nice .”

“This is her dream wedding?”

“A little bit.” Soobin stares at something beyond the darkened horizon, the light breeze swaying his hair. “At least the ship part. She always wanted to marry on a ship.”

Kai looks at Soobin, trying to ignore his heart beating faster at how handsome he looks. “Any reason for that?”

“She wanted to re-enact that famous Titanic part.”

“Did she have the chance?”

“‘course. She’d never lose this one in a million chance,” Soobin chuckles. “The pictures looked very nice. I can show you later.”

Under the moonlight tonight with his hair slightly wavy and the same baby blue tuxedo, Kai can almost feel like he’s living prom night over again. They never really talked about the kiss they shared that night, or the other kisses until they laughed and decided to leave before prom was over. Kai never got the chance to say something about that because he didn’t know if Soobin wanted to talk about it. They’re friendship isn’t weird by any means, but Kai always has that itching feeling of wanting more, at least more than he has. Soobin is still as clingy as ever, still hugs him whenever he wants, always holds his hand, leans on his shoulder or lays his head on Kai’s lap. Soobin is still the same, but why do all these things make Kai feel more giddy than before? Why does his heart beat faster whenever Soobin is around? Why does he want these simple platonic things to be more than that? Kai has the answer.

Under the moonlight, with fairy lights around them and all the love floating in the air tonight, Kai decides that he won’t pretend that he doesn’t have the answer for all those questions. He looks at Soobin; breathtaking, alluring, beautiful Soobin, and decides he can’t no longer act like he doesn’t know the reason his heart beats faster and why he wants more. It’s because I like him, way more than a friend. But he can’t say that aloud, not when he knows that Soobin maybe doesn’t like him the same way.

For now, Kai will have to settle with being the stupid boy who fell in love with his best friend.

“Do you ever think about marrying?” Kai asks, no hidden meaning behind him. Just curiosity, just foolish hope.

“Not at all,” Soobin snorts, shaking his head. “I mean, someday I’ll probably want all this. But not now.”

“I’m not talking about now, asshead,” Kai lightly slaps his arm, both chuckling together. He sighs next, staring at the empty sky. No stars to be seen there, but he has one right next to him, he just doesn’t want to look at it again. How come stargazing could hurt his heart so much? “I want to marry someday.”

Soobin seems taken aback by Kai’s words, eyes widening while looking at the boy. “You do?”

“Maybe it’s the sip of wine my dad allowed me to have earlier, but I’m thinking a lot about it while being here.” Kai confesses, closing his eyes and feeling the night breeze kiss his face. It’s not freezing, just cold enough to make chills creep under his clothes. It’s a breath of fresh air. “A marriage under the moonlight, looking at someone the same way your noona looked at her husband. Just…” he stops, opening his eyes and going back to reality for a moment. “So much love, you know?”

“I think I do,” Soobin says, eyebrows slightly furrowed. “You know you don’t have to marry someone to have that much love, right?”

“It’s not like I’m going to marry someday anyway,” Kai says bitterly, moving again until his back is leaning on the fence. “I have no one, I doubt I’ll have someone one day. And when I do, the law will probably stop me from doing it.”

Soobin grimaces, worrying at his lower lip. “That sucks.”

Kai stares at the bow’s wood floorboard. “It does.”

“I hope you get to marry someone you love someday in the future,” Soobin says lower, his voice almost swallowed by the loud music blasting from inside the ship.  “Laws change all the time.”

Kai can only nod absent-mindedly, losing his focus while staring at the dark wood under his feet. This was a weird conversation, by far the weirdest they had from all the years of friendship they have. Ever since Kai realized his stupid crush over Soobin, things sound and look weird between them sometimes. Like something is left unsaid, something that it’s important but they’re both pretending that it isn’t. Kai knows exactly what it is. It’s the prom night, the place that both of them have never revisited before in their minds together — but he did it alone a million times.

He can’t take it anymore, it’s slowly killing him.

“Can I ask you something?” Kai says, hesitance coloring his words in bright colors.

Soobin nods. “Go ahead.”

“What are we?” He asks, eyes still very much glued to the floorboards. He can’t raise his head, not when fear is conjuring images of Soobin being disgusted by his question. “I mean, I know you’re my best friend on this entire planet and I wouldn’t change a thing. But sometimes I’m not sure which path we’re walking on.”

“I don’t think I’m following,” Soobin says, his eyebrows probably furrowed.

Kai takes a deep breath, and dives down under unknown and dangerous waters without thinking twice.

“Soobin, do you like me?”

“Of course I like you,” Soobin replies a little faster than Kai expected him to, surprise making him raise his head abruptly, staring into his friend’s face. Until he realizes why it was so easy for Soobin to reply almost instantaneously. “You’re my best friend.”

“No, not like that,” Kai shakes his head, fidgeting for a moment. He’s tempted to stop the conversation here before things get more damaging, but he also wants to know. He’s dying to know, he can’t take being in the dark for longer. Soobin is a star, but ever since the kiss he’s leaving Kai in the dark for too long. “I want to know if you like me. In that way. A couple’s way.”

“Oh.” Soobin blinks, his eyes widened before he looks away. That should’ve been enough for Huening Kai, but of course he wanted more. He wanted it to come from Soobin’s lips, and that’s what he got. “I’m still not sure.”

“Oh.” Kai parrots, blinking while looking back at the floorboards. The ship’s bow seems to be spinning, everything around him becoming white noise and blurry. He got his answer, but now he’d rather go back in time and never ask this in the first place. Maybe staying in the dark was better than this.  “That’s—”

“I’m sorry,” Soobin blurts out, sounding slightly breathless.

“Why are you saying sorry?” Kai feels a lump forming in his throat. Worse than having his hope crushed is having Soobin saying sorry for something that he can’t control. It’s not his fault that Kai is stupid and fell in love, it’s not his fault that he can’t like him too. He can’t live knowing that Soobin will hold the weight of guilt for something that it’s not his fault.  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. I can’t make you like me the same way I like you.”

Soobin turns his head at him, a mask of surprise draped over his soft features. Kai almost feels like laughing at his face, how could he be that surprised? How could he act like this when all Kai has been doing ever since was thirteen is not masking his feelings for Soobin. How could someone be so oblivious to the extent of not questioning why your best friend would casually have his first kiss with you? They stare at each other for what feels like hours, the sun could be also close to rise from how much time passed. In reality, it didn’t last more than five minutes, but time passes weirdly when you just confessed your feelings for your best friend that possibly doesn’t like you that way. 

“You like… me?” Soobin blurts out.

“Don’t act so surprised, I’m not that good at hiding what I feel,” Kai scoffs. “And don’t say sorry again. It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t misunderstand it, please,” he says, hands holding Kai’s shoulder a little too hard. “I do like you like that.”

It’s Kai’s time to be surprised, mouth agape and completely speechless. For some reason, accepting unrequitedness seems way more easy than knowing that Soobin actually likes him too — well, in his defense, he was ready to be pushed away. Now, having his feelings reciprocated is enough to leave him flabbergasted, frozen in place while staring at Soobin's features tinged with worry and equally surprised. They have no idea what to do except staying in the same place, Soobin's hands holding his shoulders for dear life, loud music blasting in the ship's bow when someone opens the door. Even if someone is around, they still don't move or detach themselves.

“You like me?” Kai manages to say, words coming out scratching his throat. “But you said—”

“I’m sure about what I feel, I’m just not sure what this says about me,” Soobin explains, his hands shaking a little, voice slightly wet. “Who will I be once I come to terms with what that means?”

Kai takes a leap of faith, pulling Soobin closer and hugging him. Tight, suffocating and at the same time comforting, just like the feelings inside them. Soobin lets himself be embraced, face resting in the crook of Kai's neck, taking deep breaths of his sandalwood perfume. Kai keeps holding until Soobin stops shaking, the fear of knowing your desires being too much for his body. Kai understands him, knows exactly what he's feeling and all the questions inside his head. He's been there - he's still there sometimes. It's a long path, and Soobin is only on his first steps.

“You’re gonna be Soobin,” Kai reassures him, stroking his back. “You’re always going to be my Soobinnie.”

“Your Soobinnie?” Soobin giggles, a sweet sound muffled in Kai's skin. “That sounds like something nice. I wouldn’t mind being your Soobinnie.”

Hope is a dangerous thing for a seventeen-years-old Huening Kai, and he lets that feeling consume him once and for all. 

Kai detaches himself from Soobin, but still keeps him close. One arm around his broad shoulder and heads almost touching. He looks up at the sky and says, “Let’s stargaze, for real this time.”

Soobin looks at the sky too, a pout on his lips. “There’s no stars in the sky tonight.”

“There’s one right next to me, you’re not seeing it?”

“Shut up,” Soobin pushes him away, embarrassed. Kai giggles, leaning into the fence. “Can you do that again?”

“Do what?” Kai asks, confused.

Soobin seems to hesitate for a moment, looking at Kai’s slouched figure. Kai looks at him, his confusion increasing at the way Soobin is fidgeting, a blush creeping into his soft cheeks, his eyes looking away the moment Kai catches him. It’s adorable, Kai could really kiss him right now and don’t even bat an eye for all the smokers around then that could see it. Nothing matters except tasting Soobin once again.

“Kiss me,” Soobin whispers, licking his lips. “Like we did that night at prom.”

Kai leans into Soobin’s personal space, hands around his neck, face a breath away from him. “You never told me what you thought about that kiss.”

“Does it matter?”

“For my ego? A lot.”

“It was the best first kiss I could ever ask for,” Soobin says, rolling his eyes affectionately. He looks at Kai, and his eyes tell everything the boy needs to know. Soobin liked it as much as he did. Soobin likes him. “Happy?”

“Very much.” Kai can’t contain the grin spreading through his lips. “Now, let me be your best second kiss too.”

Soobin raises an eyebrow. “What makes you think I didn’t kiss someone else after you?”

“Because you’re stuck by my side almost twenty-four seven, when would you find time to kiss someone else?”

“Maybe I should’ve kissed you all those times,” Soobin comments, hands hovering over Kai’s waist before he holds it softly, as if it’d break if he used more force. His words are a veiled confession made only for Kai to see.

“I wouldn’t complain.” Kai says, words brushing against Soobin’s lips from their closeness. “Neither would deny.”

“Well, let me take advantage of your lack of denying and complaining,” Soobin smiles, looking straight into Kai’s eyes before asking in a whisper, “Can I kiss you, Hyuka?”

“You don’t have to ask me, Binnie.” Kai breathes out. “Just do it, whenever you want to.”

When their lips touch, Kai closes his eyes shut and lets all his thoughts go away. All the fear and uneasiness of Soobin pushing him out after knowing disappeared in a blink of an eye. Nothing else matters except kissing Soobin and putting all his feelings into it for the other to understand. This time, Soobin’s lips taste like strawberry, the taste so rich it’s almost like Kai was eating the slice of cake. They’re pillowy and soft against Kai’s chapped one, still the same from two years ago when they kissed at prom night. Their lips moved in harmony, a kiss completely different from their first ones — it’s better, way better.

The sun isn’t close to rising, but Kai feels a sort of warmth that only comes from sunbeams.The sun is a star, and Kai has one too in his arms, that could be the only explanation to why he feels that strange warmth rushing through his body. Soobeams, the warmth of his personal star.

At eighteen, Kai tastes what heartbreak is like. What no one tells you is that it’s something that happens in a blink of an eye. At one moment your heart is intact and thriving over being loved in return, then everything crumbles down until you’re left with the shards and having to pick the pieces all by yourself. That’s what happened to Kai on that cloudy afternoon — as if the weather had already foreseen what was bound to happen on that day.

Soobin is spending the day in Kai’s room as always, laying in his bed like it’s his, hair splayed on his mattress and feet dangling slightly. There’s no more homeworks or classes, only graduation left for them to be both free. At least for a few months until they have to face the start of adulthood and seek jobs or go to college. For now, Kai chose college over taking a year off as some of his colleagues are doing. Both him and Soobin talked about it, the subject always changing whenever Kai asks what Soobin will do.

Lately, Soobin is acting weird. Not weird because of their confession at his sister’s wedding. If anything, confessing only made them get closer and more clingy as ever — not that Kai is complaining, he’s loving every single second of having Soobin all to himself. They don’t have a label on what they are, but it’s fine. It’s not like both can talk so freely about it, their parents still don’t know what's going on between their sons. Some things are made to be secrets, and their relationship is one of them for now.

The weirdness is something recent, something that came along a few weeks ago. Soobin is strangely quiet, always too out of it and having to be pulled down back to Earth, it almost feels like he’s thinking about something too hard. Kai doesn’t push to know, they’re best friends but they don’t need to share every single thing about them. Sometimes, there are things you want to keep and deal with by yourself. The only thing he can do is stick around and wait until Soobin decides to share or let this thing go.

“You’re too quiet,” Kai comments, dropping himself on the bed beside Soobin. It feels like living something once again, that same day they talked about kisses in this same bed, in this same room. It’s deja-vu whenever he’s next to Soobin.  “Did something happen?”

He hesitates, sighing before getting up to a sit position on the bed. “I have something important to tell.”

“Well, you won't do it if you keep quiet,” Kai chuckles, trying to change the weird mood that is spreading through the room. It’s uncomfortable, making him shift on the bed as if a hundred needles are pricking his back.

“I’m trying to find the best words,” Soobin says, hands running through his freshly-cut hair.

Kai sits on the bed’s edge too, staring at his friend. “Why does it sound like you’re breaking up with me?”

“Because I’m kinda breaking up with you?” Soobin says it with a pained expression.

“We’re not even dating,” Kai says, trying to joke about it and ignoring the sting in his heart. “You can’t break up something that doesn’t exist.”

If Soobin has his secrets, this is Kai. He plays and jokes about the place they are, but it pains him sometimes. It pains him that he can’t tell his parents and sisters that Soobin is the boy he loves, it pains him that he can’t walk hand in hand in school with him as they used to do, it pains him that he can’t go on dates and kiss Soobin whenever he wants. Everything is always hidden, always in the dark, always in empty spaces and lone places. Kai should know that loving a boy would be this in the beginning, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be sad over it. He wants everyone to know how much he loves Soobin, how he wants to spend the rest of his life with him, how special Soobin is to him. How Soobin is his everything.

“If I had time, we would date,” Soobin mumbles, more to himself. “It was part of my plan but I can’t do it anymore.”

Kai frowns. “Soobin, what the hell are you talking about?”

Silence, the type that has too much noise at the same time. Kai keeps looking at Soobin, waiting for him to look back at him and tell him what’s wrong. He doesn’t want him to hold this burden by himself if it’s making him feel bad, if it’s making him look this sad. Soobin looks only at his hands, thumbs brushing one over the other, picking nails and playing with his fingers. Kai wants to hold his hands, but he’s not sure if that's something Soobin wants right now.

“I’m moving.”

The words don't make sense for a minute. White noise, gibberish, said in a language Kai can’t understand until his mind finally gets it.

“Moving?”

“Yeah, to another country,” Soobin says. “Houston, to be exact.”

“Houston?”

“After graduation,” Soobin adds. “My father got a good job opportunity and he wants the whole family to move.”

“Houston.” Kai repeats, the only thing he can do at this moment. Parroting the words until they make sense, until they don’t sound like a completely different language to his ears. “You’re moving to Houston.”

Soobin sighs defeatedly. "I don't want to go, but I can't stay with my noona."

"Why?"

"Her house it's too small and with the baby coming I'll be nothing but a nuisance."

"So..." Kai stops, not sure what to say next. His mind is working in slow-motion, making sense of the main topic of this conversation, of what’s happening around him. He feels lost, floating in the air without his feet touching the ground, slipping into obliviousness and darkness, nothing around him. "You're going."

"I have no choice."

"I know you don't. I just—" Kai feels the lump in his throat growing bigger until he can’t breathe properly. His eyes sting, his mouth is dry and he wants to scream and cry until his heart stops paining him as it’s doing. "Fuck."

"Kai-yah," Soobin looks at him, eyes widened as he pulls the other boy in a bone-crushing hug. Kai can’t control the tears anymore, they fall on their own. "Don't cry, c'mon."

"Not crying,” Kai sniffs, voice cracked and wet.

"Hyuka, please. Don't do this," Soobin pleads, sounding so weak that it makes Kai’s heart break even more. He keeps hugging him tight, stroking his hair with a shaking hand. "Nothing's gonna change."

"Everything will change, Binnie," Kai’s voice comes out muffled, a sob following the words. “You won’t be here anymore. My best friend—”

“Stop saying it like that. It sounds like I’m gonna die in two months,” Soobin interrupts, joking but neither of them laugh. “I’m assuring you, nothing will change.”

Kai moves away from Soobin’s chest to look at him, eyes shining with all the tears and nose slightly red at the tip. “And how are you so sure?”

“I’m trying to be positive,” Soobin smiles, but it looks too fake to bring comfort. “I mean, things are not gonna be the same. But we can still talk on the phone and exchange messages. We can still be best friends, we can still be together.”

“It’s not the same.” Kai wipes the tears with the back of his hands. “I don’t want to talk over the phone or write an email. I want to have you here next to me like always.”

Soobin sighs. “Hyuka…”

“I’m sorry, that’s a selfish thought,” Kai admits, detaching himself from Soobin’s hug and taking a deep breath to stop the stupid tears from falling. “I’m happy for your father, it’s probably a good offer for him to decide to move. And since you always wanted to travel somewhere aboard, I’ll be happy for you once you send me postcards from Houston. It’s just…”

“What?”

“I’ll miss you,” he says, bottom lip trembling slightly. “You’re my best friend, Soobin.”

“You’re my best friend too, Kai.” Soobin puts his hands on Kai’s face, cupping his jaw while his thumbs brush his wet cheeks. “I’ll miss you so much. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kai closes his eyes, the touch on his cheeks are as warm as always. Soobin is always warm, his personal star. He’ll miss this more than he can say. And that’s why the next words come out of him as a flood. “More than a friend should love another. I’m sorry you have to find out like this, I wish we—”

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” Soobin complains. “Can’t you see how much I love you too? I just confessed and you completely friendzoned me.”

Kai blinks. “Oh, I thought you meant as a friend.”

“Hyuka, you really think I’ll kiss you this much if I only liked you as a friend?” He chuckles, his eyes turning in sweet crescents. “I had plans with you. A big part of them was stupid and cheesy, but I wanted them.”

“Tell me about it,” Kai says, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears. “I wanna know.”

“First, I’d ask you out,” Soobin says matter-of-factly. “Maybe we could go to the arcade and I’ll let you beat my ass on some games so you’ll be happy and I could watch you smile brightly.”

“As if you’re not losing because you suck,” he scoffs.

“I’m trying to be romantic right here, mind you,” Soobin huffs. “Then I’d ask you to be my boyfriend, nothing big. Maybe we could be here in this same bedroom and I’d ask, or we could be stargazing for real, or watching the sunrise. A new day, a new thing to experience.”

“It sounds nice,” Kai whispers, nuzzling into the hands in his face. “It’s a shame it won’t happen any time soon.”

It’s bittersweet at the end of their story. Kai knows exactly what’s going to happen at the end, things will change completely from the moment Soobin is gone. They’re gonna keep up with the messages and calls until one of them gets too busy and eventually they’re going to forget each other and messages will be less and less until they stop completely. Kai knows that in maybe a year, they will find new people in their lives and their friendship will be only a sweet memory. Kai already knows the end of this story, and he hates it, but there’s nothing he can do to change it. The end is ready since the day he realized he liked Soobin in this same room.

“Hey, Hyuka,” Soobin calls, hands leaving his face so he can intertwine his fingers with Kai’s. He lays on the bed again, pushing Kai with him. “Let’s make a promise?”

“A promise?”

“Yeah,” Soobin hums. “Let's live that once we meet each other again.”

Kai frowns. “Huh?”

"If we meet again at twenty-five and we're still both singles, let's date," Soobin says, bringing the intertwined hands close to his chest, above his beating heart so Kai can feel it.

"That's a long time," Kai muses, lips jutted. "How are you sure we'll meet again?"

"Because I'll always look out for you.” Soobin looks at him, moving until they’re face to face in the bed. "You're not getting away from me that easily."

"As if I'd want to run from you," Kai smiles, weak but enough to convey that he’s not as sad as he was before. "So, twenty-five?"

"Twenty-five,” Soobin agrees. “Let's be boyfriends and do silly couple things."

"Okay," Kai agrees too. He sits on the bed again and takes his hand away from Soobin’s, pointing his pinky finger at the boy. "Let's seal this promise."

"No,” Soobin shakes his head, puckering his lips. “I want to seal it with a kiss."

"If you want a kiss so bad, you could've just asked," Kai jokes, leaning until he’s a breath away from Soobin’s lips. 

"You told me I didn't need to ask anymore."

Things finish at the same place they started, but Kai doesn't feel the same crippling anxiety from minutes before when Soobin dropped the bomb. Now, with Soobin in his arms while they look at the silly glow-in-the-dark stars stuck in Kai's ceiling, he feels more anxious for the future than actually fear. He's looking forward to something, even if it isn't something certain. Even if they both stray away from their paths, even if they take different routes, he knows they'll meet someday.

And he's looking forward to that day.

At twenty-four, Kai thinks adulthood isn’t as difficult as he thought it’d be. He has a decent apartment downtown and a job that pays him enough to pay all his bills and have a little extra to spend on things he deems necessary — and plushies, which are in the necessities section of his brain. He doesn’t live a luxurious life but he’s happy with what he has. He loves being a homeroom teacher and working with all the little kids that seem to love him just as much, his colleagues are nice with him and his best friend brings joy to his days. He still talks with his parents and visits them whenever they come back to Seoul, his sisters visit him almost weekly and Kai still has no partner but that’s not a problem.

Life is nice as it is, and he couldn’t ask for anything better.

“I fucking hate working with teenagers,” Beomgyu says in lieu of greeting, walking through the door of Kai’s classroom and siting on the table’s edge.

Kai met Beomgyu in college, fresh from high school and with no friends besides Soobin — that was too far away from that point to hold Kai’s hand during his first day and not make him feel so lonely. They clicked right away, both shy in the beginning but talkative a few days before. Beomgyu used to have blonde hair and make jokes that Kai didn’t understand, but he was sweet and took care of him whenever Kai wasn’t feeling at his best. Pedagogy is a pain in the ass in the first semesters, and Kai is eternally grateful that he had Beomgyu by his side during those months. 

“Good evening to you too, Beomgyu-yah,” he greets, eyes on the papers he’s sorting through. “Have you eaten?”

“Yep, got myself some snacks after my last class,” Beomgyu replies, playing with the Molang doll Kai keeps in his table for good luck. “Are you done?”

“Not yet, I have some things left to look into.”

“Not to say it again, but I think you need to stop a little with all the work obsession,” Beomgyu clicks his tongue, smashing the doll and watching it come back to its original form. “Overworking isn’t that helpful.”

“I’m not overworking,” Kai rolls his eyes.

Beomgyu raises an eyebrow. “Kai-yah, when was the last time you left school earlier than nine?”

He has absolutely no idea. A thing that adulthood brought to Kai is the need to be constantly doing something to feel productive. He spends all his nights at school finishing things and it’s usually the first one to be at the teacher’s lounge in the mornings. The truth is that Kai doesn’t like to spend that much time alone in his apartment, loneliness makes him feel bad and overthinking about his whole life choices. So he’d rather be overworking with all the students and other teachers around him than overthinking all alone in his apartment living room.

“What do you want, Gyu?” Kai changes the topic, putting the papers he was fumbling with inside his briefcase.

“Gossip.” Beomgyu moves until he’s facing Kai, hands resting on the table, mischievous glint in his eyes. Beomgyu loves to gossip about students and some of their colleagues, one of the reasons why he stays until late sometimes at school — besides driving Kai home. “School got a new psychologist. I heard some talks about him.”

“A new psychologist?” Kai asks absent-mindedly, stacking his older class tests in a pile. “What happened to the other?”

“Bailed out,” he says. “Teenagers are a pain in the ass to deal with.”

Kai snorts. “You talk as if you had never been one.”

“Well, I don’t remember being such an asshole,” Beomgyu muses. He’s a Geography teacher mainly for high schoolers, sometimes middle schoolers if some other teacher hasn’t been able to go to school. “Anyways, I heard he’s very hot.”

“That’s all you care about?” Kai looks at him for a moment, surprised by Beomgyu’s statement.

Beomgyu raises his eyebrows. “What else should I care about?”

“Maybe if he does his job right?”

“Don’t care,” he shrugs. “I’m not the one that hired him.”

“You’re unbelievable,” Kai snorts in disbelief, going back to putting the tests in a different part of his briefcase. “Go on, keep talking ‘bout him.”

“He’s very tall and has such a handsome face. Lowkey model potential, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one,” Beomgyu rambles on, sounding too excited about it. Kai listens to everything with all the attention he can muster while focusing on organizing his papers. He’s not that into the topic of hot guys that come and go in the school.  “I only saw him for a few seconds but wow. Let me tell you, whoever scores this dude just won in the lotto.”

“Hey Beomgyu, I think you’re drooling,” Kai jokes, pointing at the other man’s mouth.

“You’d act the same way if you saw him,” Beomgyu huffs. “If I wasn’t already committed I”d try something with him.”

Kai can’t help the laugh that comes out of him, especially when Beomgyu grimaces at him. “First of all, you’re not committed—”

“Can you not rub it in my face yet?” Beomgyu crosses his arms. “I’ll be committed someday, okay?”

“That is, if you man-up and ask Donghyuck out,” Kai comments. “Which you’re not doing. So nothing is stopping you from asking the new guy out.”

“I don’t even ask Donghyuck out and I know him for almost five years, what makes you think I’ll ask a complete stranger out?” Beomgyu scoffs.

“Maybe knowing Donghyuck is what’s making you hesitate?” Kai muses. “You’re afraid to mess up your friendship with him if things go wrong.”

“Hey, leave the psychologist work to the new—”

“Excuse me, is this Huening-ssi classroom?”

A voice coming from outside the open door interrupts Beomgyu, making both men turn their faces in that direction. A tall man is standing outside, a beige coat hugging his frame and making him seem taller, dark hair pushed back in a way that shows his entire forehead. Kai tries to find that face somewhere in his head, tries to associate with any of the children he teaches, but nothing comes. He has absolutely no idea who that man is, so he does what he usually does whenever a new parent comes after him. He puts his best, friendly smile and stands up from his chair, motioning for the man to enter the room.

“Yes,” Kai replies, watching the man moving until he’s closer to his table. “Can I help you with something?”

The man stops, only staring at Kai for what feels like minutes until a smile blooms in his lips. Kai blinks, not sure what made the man suddenly smile that big at him, but he hopes it means something good — he’s not really in the mood to deal with another parent complaining about his children having bad grades when they’re a prodigy. They stay in the same place, Kai close to the table, the man standing a few meters away, still staring at each other as if they’re having a silent conversation. Kai looks away for a moment, frowning when he glances at his best friend's completely fazed expression while having his eyes glued at the stranger.

“Kai-yah, don’t you recognize me?” The man says, one eyebrow raised.

Then it dawns on Kai. This is no stranger, it’s an adult version of someone he thought he’d never see in his life.

He swallows. “Soobin?”

“C’mon, I didn’t change that much.” The stranger — not a stranger, but his Soobin — says, giving him that welcoming dimpled-smile that Kai used to love so much in the past. How could he not recognize Soobin when he looks just as handsome as before? “I can’t believe you didn’t recognize your best friend.”

“Soobin,” Kai repeats, too dumbfounded to react properly. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here from now on,” Soobin replies, his body language screaming that he wants to come closer, wants to hug his best friend. But here’s the thing, they’re no longer the best friends they used to be in the past. To be sincere, they’re nothing but acquaintances at this moment. “It’s my first day.”

Kai glances at Beomgyu, who only nods to the silent question he’s asking with his eyes. So this is the hot guy Beomgyu was gushing about a few minutes ago. His Soobin, the same Soobin who was his best friend, the same Soobin he was in love with during his whole life. Working in the same place as him, standing right in front of him after being six years away.

“You’re the new psychologist.”

“Yep,” Soobin nods with a strange excitement. “And you’re a homeroom teacher.”

“Yeah,” Kai breathes, opening and closing his mouth as words leave him in the lurch. “I—”

“Why did you never answer my emails?” Soobin asks him abruptly, his smile faltering.

Silence swallows the three men in the classroom, only the faint sounds from outside and some chattering in the hallways being heard. He’s still too surprised by seeing the man in front of him to know what to say. Kai never thought he’d see Soobin again in his life, not after they lost contact three years ago and never bothered to contact each other. Or at least, Kai didn’t bother to contact him because his heart was breaking little by little as time passed and he had no idea when Soobin would be back. He was the one that ceased all contact, he was the one that broke up their friendship without further notice.

Now that Soobin is right here, he can’t do anything except staring at him and hoping that he’s hallucinating rather than seeing the love of his life.

“Hyuka, I think I’ll be going,” Beomgyu says, popping the silence bubble that was around them. He stands from the table, slightly fidgety while waiting for Kai to react somehow. “Call me when you get home.”

“How rude of me for not introducing myself,” Soobin says, only now seeing that Beomgyu was in the classroom with them. He turns toward the man with an extended arm in greeting. “I’m Choi Soobin.”

“Choi Beomgyu,” he says, taking the hand and shaking it politely. “I think you have a lot to talk about with Hyuka here. So I’ll get going.”

“Were you guys busy?” Soobin asks.

“No—”

“Yes,” Kai says, interrupting Beomgyu before he can leave him all by himself with Soobin. He’s not ready to face this ghost of his past, not ready to deal with the consequences of his past choices. “Beomgyu was about to take me home, right?”

“I was?” Beomgyu looks at him in confusion. Kai makes a face that clearly says shut up and pretend. He widens his eyes and opens his mouth in a very not subtle reaction. “Ah yeah, I was.” He looks at Soobin, trying to mask the lie that both have going on. “Kai here still doesn’t have a driver’s license, can you believe it Soobin-ssi?”

“I can, Beomgyu-ssi,” Soobin chuckles, looking from Beomgyu to Kai. “I guess I’ll see you around, Kai-yah. It was nice seeing you again, let’s not become strangers again.” The words hit a little too deep for comfort in Kai’s opinion. Soobin turns around and walks back to the door, looking one last time at both men and politely saying, “Have a good night and drive safely.”

Soobin leaves in a blink, nothing around them proving that the man was here before. Kai keeps looking at the door, only now taking a deep breath — he didn’t even realize he was holding his breath the whole time Soobin was close to him. He slowly falls to his chair, blinking and trying to gather up what just happened. Soobin is back. Soobin is working in the same school as him. Soobin has a degree in Psychology. Soobin is back. Soobin is back.

“What the hell just happened?” Beomgyu asks, looking from the door to Kai’s slouched and paralyzed figure.

“Choi Soobin happened,” Kai whispers, too out of it to actually make sense of anything that’s happening around him now. He hears Beomgyu moving, throwing all the papers neatly stacked above the table inside his briefcase, not even putting them in order like Kai was doing.

“You better get your ass out of this classroom and tell me everything in the car,” Beomgyu warns, pushing the briefcase against Kai’s chest and leaving the classroom to probably pick up his things. “Or else I’m gonna die out of curiosity.”

Even after Beomgyu leaves Kai to an empty classroom with his briefcase against his chest, Kai doesn’t move an inch. All that he can do is think about the same thing over again. Soobin is back, Soobin is back, Soobin is back.

Still at twenty-four, Kai thinks that old feelings die hard. It only took one look at Soobin that night where they met again for all the things inside him to punch him hard on the nose in retaliation. Kai never thought he still felt all this even three years without contact with Soobin, and even though he has a little more control over what he feels and how he shows it, it’s still hard. Because whenever he looks at Soobin, all he can think about are the kisses and displays of affection they shared in their teen years.

So that leaves Kai with nothing but to pretend that Soobin isn’t back. Which is proving to be something impossible since Soobin is adamant on showing that he’s back and that he wants to make up for all the lost time. Is the first time in all the two years working in this school that Kai leaves as soon as his last class is over and gets on school a few hours before class starts. It’s a two edged knife, and Kai is having trouble holding it.

He bids goodbye to one of his students and his mother, the last kid in the classroom holding him back from fleeing the place before Soobin comes to him. It’s part of his new routine, doing everything as fast as possible in order to avoid Soobin coming to his classroom — something that he does whenever he’s finished or has time off. Kai moves to his table and pushes his papers inside his briefcase, something he’d never do before since organizing it was always his priority. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sometimes, he can’t avoid Soobin no matter how hard he tries. Tonight is one of those times.

“Are you finished for today?” He hears the voice coming from the door, Soobin leaning on the door’s trim.

“Ah, hello Soobin-ah,” he greets in faux politeness. It’s not like Soobin needs to know he’s avoiding him at all costs. “Yes, I’m just sorting some papers and then I’ll leave.”

Soobin stays by the door, arms crossed and peeking at the already empty hallways. “Beomgyu isn’t giving you a lift tonight?”

“No, he’s out with a friend of his,” Kai replies, trying not to sound disappointed. If Beomgyu was available, then he’d have a reason to leave the classroom and Soobin behind with the excuse of Beomgyu waiting for him. But he had to man up and ask Donghyuck out exclusively tonight, for Kai’s unluckiness.

“Let me guess,” Soobin juts his lips. “Donghyuck-ssi?”

Kai looks at him with raised eyebrows. “You know Donghyuck?"

"Yeah, he visits my room in every break he has," he says, chuckling about something. "He says I'm too handsome to be locked inside that room while talking to stinkers."

"I agree,” Kai whispers.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head, hugging his briefcase and walking to the door. "I guess I'm going now."

"How are you getting home?" Soobin asks, sounding worried.

"By bus," Kai replies, shrugging. "Like everyone else."

They both stay in the same place, Kai midway to the door, Soobin still leaning on the door’s trim. Kai can’t shake the thought that if they met again a few years ago, things would be completely different. Their friendship would still be the same, Soobin would probably run into him and give him one of his famous tight hugs that smashes him with love and affection. Kai would probably ruffle his hair or say something silly about how Soobin is crushing his bones. Now, all they can do is look anywhere except into each other’s eyes and wait until this awkward moment ends.

"Are you busy tonight, Hyuka?" Soobin asks, his voice sounding louder in the empty classroom.

Kai is tempted to make up some last minute lie, telling him that he’s completely busy and has to leave right now so he doesn’t get too late. But Soobin is looking anywhere except at him — which is proof enough that he’s shy, that he’s sheepishly hoping that Kai would deny and carry on with their already awkward conversation. Kai can’t lie to him, can never lie to this man that was the boy he’s in love with.

 "Just some homework to grade and a few other things," he ends up saying. "Why?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me?" Soobin asks. Kai's eyes widened at the proposition, at the prospect of going out with him when he can’t even look Soobin in the eye ever since he came back. Soobin seems to notice his hesitancy, his eyes equally widening as he realizes his wording. "I mean not going out on a date, but more like work colleagues getting dinner together,” he corrects, scratching his neck. “It's Friday, so I thought soju and pork ribs would be nice."

Kai blinks. "Are you asking me out?"

"Yes," Soobin replies a little doubtful. He takes a deep breath and schools his features into something more confident. "I'm asking you out, Hyuka."

It’s weird to hear the real Soobin saying those words — the Soobin of his dreams pretty much said that a lot of times that he can’t count on his fingers anymore. Kai dreamed about being asked out by his crush so many times that now that it’s finally happening, he can’t react properly. Maybe if this happened six years ago, he’d say yes without a second thought, holding Soobin’s wrist and taking him out of this classroom. Now, he can’t do anything besides hug his briefcase stronger and overthink too much about those simple words.

"Well, I'm not that—" he stops as soon as he makes the mistake of glancing at Soobin. His confident face crumbles entirely, giving way for a face of him that Kai was used to seeing. Soobin looks so much like his teenage self, always on the brink of fleeing, always uncertain, always ready to take whatever he said or did back. Kai can’t say no to him — he can never say no to Soobin, even after all these years.

Kai sighs deeply, putting a small smile on his face. "Let's go. Let me treat you since I didn't have the time yet to welcome you here."

"There's no need to," Soobin completely beams after hearing those words. He’s shining when he smiles at Kai, cute dimples and eyes slightly closing. Adorable, his heart squeezes and he cant deny the effect Soobin still has on him. "All by me."

"Are you sure?"

Soobin raises an eyebrow. "What happened to the Huening Kai that would never refuse food paid by his best friend?"

He wants to say that Huening Kai is gone and replaced by a complete stranger. Because at the end of the day, when they walk side by side to a restaurant that Soobin heard was good, too far away from one another compared to the closeness they used to have, they’re nothing but strangers. Soobin and Kai, once best friends attached to the hip, now strangers that can’t even hold a conversation or eye-contact for longer than a few minutes. Kai can’t tell if he’s the one to blame or he can throw all that to time and distance.

"Your alcohol tolerance is shit, Soobin,” Kai snorts, watching a drunk Soobin trying to pour himself another glass of soju and getting half of it out of the glass.

At the beginning of the night, Kai thought he made a bad decision by accepting Soobin’s invitation to drink. All the signs that everything could go wrong were all in front of him, but he decided to ignore it just because his stupid crush over this man stops him from being able to say a simple no. But he was surprised that the night wasn't as dreadful as he thought it’d be. By far, he’s eating for free which is very nice for his wallet and he's only buzzed from the alcohol, his tolerance too high for him to be drunk only from a few shots. The same can’t be said for Soobin, who’s already close to being out of him from his weak tolerance — Kai totally isn’t swooning from the way he’s pouting way more when talking and the adorable flush on his cheeks.

Kai could kiss him, but he’s not that filled with liquid courage to do such.

"Stop judging me," Soobin pouts, huffing while he gives up pouring him a glass. "'s been a while."

"Since you drank?"

"Yep," Soobin nods, his hair bouncing while he moves his head. "Wish I had drank more during college so I could keep up with you."

"Beomgyu trained me, you'll never get on my level," Kai chuckles, picking the last piece of meat on the grill with his chopsticks. He takes the almost empty bottle from Soobin’s grip. "Enough alcohol for you, let's get some water shall we?"

"But we're here to drink, Hyuka,” Soobin sulks, pushing away the water bottle that Kai’s holding in front of him. 

"And we already did," Kai says with a tinge of annoyance in his tone. Even in his drunken state, Soobin seems to pick up the shift in the man’s voice, huffing once more as he picks the water bottle and takes a swig. "It's almost past eleven, I think we should wrap this up,” Kai adds, taking the last gulp from the soju bottle.

"It's so early," Soobin complains, wiggling his body. "Why do you wanna leave so soon?"

"I have something to do tomorrow morning," he lies through his teeth. The night isn’t going bad, but the fear of accidentally saying or doing something keeps nagging at the back of his head. Soobin is drunk and Kai is slightly tipsy, a recipe for disaster and things they’ll regret in the morning.

"Are you going out with Beomgyu-ssi?" Soobin says, grimacing as his voice gets a tinge of sourness.

Kai frowns. "What?"

"Are you and Beomgyu-ssi a couple?" He asks, nose scrunching at the thought.

"Where did you take that from?" Kai holds back a laugh. The idea of Beomgyu and him being a couple sounds too funny for his slightly inebriated mind. Not that Beomgyu would be a bad boyfriend of sorts, he’s actually someone that Kai would have romantic feelings for if Soobin wasn’t engraved so deep in his heart. The thing is, Beomgyu already has someone — well, he could have someone if he wasn’t such a coward.

"He's always around and you hug him all the time, and he talks a lot about you and you both have lunch together, he drives you home almost daily and—"

"Soobin, did you smash your head on the wall while going to the bathroom earlier?" Kai asks, eyebrows furrowed. He’s in doubt whether Soobin is being serious or joking around.

Soobin sighs deeply. "I'm jealous of him,"

"Of Beomgyu?"

"Yes! I'm fucking jealous of him," he admits loudly, throwing his arms in the air in defeat.  "Everytime I see you close to him, you're smiling so prettily and happily. You feed him with snacks and hug him so tight. You laugh at his silly jokes and talk in a cute tone when you're with him. I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions, but I…"

"Soobin, look at me," Kai interrupts, not liking the direction this conversation is going. "I'm not dating Beomgyu, I'll never date Beomgyu because I don't like him like that."

Soobin worries at his lower lip. "But—"

"Let me finish, you stupid drunker," Kai huffs, rolling his eyes at being interrupted. Soobin quiets down in a second, his crying-drunken stupor gone completely.  "Beomgyu is my best friend. He's the one that's always by my side, but that doesn't entail that we're gonna be a couple. I love him lots, but nothing out of platonic."

Soobin seems to be thinking over Kai’s words, his eyebrows slightly furrowed and his lips pursed down. Then, he slaps a hand over his forehead and covers his whole face with his arm. Kai doesn’t need to look at his face to know that Soobin is probably flushed from head to toe, embarrassment kissing his cheeks, his ears and every other part of his body. It’d look cute if the conversation they’re having wasn’t so bothersome. He understands that maybe Beomgyu and he look like a couple sometimes, but that’s just his way of showing his love and affection for his best friend. He used to do the same thing to Soobin, why is he suspicious?

Then he understands it. He used to do the same thing to Soobin in the past — all the hugs, the cute tone voice, the displays of affection. He used to do the same things to Soobin, that’s why he thinks Beomgyu is his new lover.

"I'm so stupid,” Soobin whispers, eyes covered by his arm. 

"You are,” Kai hums.

"It's just…” Soobin sniffs. “Everything is so different between us now."

And that’s the moment Kai regrets not leaving sooner. That’s the topic that he really doesn’t want to talk about with Soobin now. He knows things are different, there’s no way it’d be like before when so many years have passed — when distance and time got in the way of their friendship. Kai can only shut his eyes and hope that Soobin will drop the topic before it starts getting damaging.

"Soobin…"

"I miss you," Soobin confesses, taking his arm off his eyes. "I miss my best friend so much. But sometimes it's like you don't feel the same."

"Of course I missed you too,” Kai says, one of the few truths he spilled tonight.

"So why did you never reply to my emails?" He asks in frustration, staring deep into Kai’s soul where all the answers are waiting for him. "Why did you never call me? Why did you push me away like that?"

"It's complicated.” It’s the only thing he manages to say, all other words disappearing from his head. "I'm sorry."

"I kept waiting. I refreshed my email homepage so many times in a day that it was kinda sick," Soobin laughs humorlessly. "I even checked the spam page,” he adds in a low voice, as if talking to himself. “Absolutely nothing.”

The hurt in his tone gives the same feeling of someone pricking a hundred needles in Kai's heart. He should've known that nothing out of pain would come out of talking about this topic. He should've stopped this before having to know that his choice made Soobin bear a pain that he shouldn't have had in the first place.

He's egoist, he can see it now.

"I thought it'd be better to end things," he blurts out once the silence between them is unbearable. It's funny how the packed restaurant and all the sounds around them seem to be swallowed by their silence. It's uncomfortable, an itch he can never scratch. "It wasn't working for me."

"So you just decided to push me away without further notice?" Soobin points out in a mix of conformity and disbelief.

"Soobin, it's been six years since you left," Kai breathes out, annoyance slipping in his voice. "I thought you'd never come back. Last year of college made me scared of the possibility of time passing and you never coming back."

"I told you I'd come back," he retorts. "It was my personal promise. To never leave you for long."

"I'm sorry I made you break your promise," Kai looks down. He can't do this anymore, he can't have this conversation any longer. "I made a lot of mistakes along the way."

"Kai-yah, I miss you," Soobin cries, all the feelings he was bottling up spilling out without further notice. It’s even more painful to hear him talking like this, the pain in Kai’s heart turning unbearable. “I missed you while I was away, every single day. Now, I miss you more because even when you’re right next to me, it feels like you’re so far away from here.”

Kai closes his eyes in shame. "I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry," Soobin complains, slamming his hands on the table and startling a few people close to their table. "Say something else."

"What do you want me to say, Soobin?" He looks at him, not sure of what he’s feeling inside upon seeing the hurt and annoyance in the other’s face. Kai feels like he’s thirteen again, having no idea what the feeling inside him is, being insecure of whatever is going to happen.

It’s always a sense of deja-vu whenever he’s close to Soobin.  

"I want you to say you love me, that you missed me, that things didn't change," he says, despair in his voice with each word. Kai can see the hurt in his eyes too, how this night is doing nothing but bring pain to both of them. All the signs are there for Kai to end this, but he can only look at Soobin and handle all the pain he caused being rubbed in his face. "I want you to hug me and cling to me like before. I want you to rely on me again and be my best friend in the whole world. I want you to kiss me, Kai-yah."

And that does the job to wake Kai up from whatever Soobin-induced stupor he was trapped in before. He shakes his head and decides to wrap things up for tonight — and hopes that Soobin won’t remember anything from how drunk he is. He gets up from where he’s sitting across the table and leaves Soobin all to himself for a few minutes so he can pay the bill. At the end, he was the one that treated Soobin like he said he would. He pays everything and goes back to their table to find Soobin still at the same place, looking at the empty grill. 

He taps Soobin on the shoulder, bringing him back to reality. “Let’s get going. You’re too wasted to be talking about these things.”

"That doesn't change anything," he crosses his arms, looking set on having this conversation. "I know what I want."

"You don't want any of these things, Soobin," Kai shakes his head in amusement. He never thought Soobin could be so hard-headed when drunk. "What you want is to go home and pray that you don't have a killing hangover when you wake up tomorrow."

"I don't wan' to go home," Soobin whines, getting up from his chair and putting his arms around Kai's neck.

"Do you have anyone that can pick you up?" Kai asks, maneuvering Soobin so they can walk out of the restaurant. He bows to the cashier and flashes an apologetic smile for his colleague's antics. "I'm not sure you can get to your home safely if I leave you all to yourself in a cab."

"Yeonjun-hyung," Soobin says, taking his phone from his coat pocket and pushing it against Kai's chest. "Call Yeonjun-hyung."

The call is fast and without opening for conversations with this so-called Yeonjun-hyung. Kai was objective from the start, introducing himself fastly — which wasn’t necessary since Yeonjun already seems to know him more than he knows the older — and asking if he could come pick Soobin up since the other was too wasted to go alone. When Yeonjun asked why Kai didn't take him home, he stuttered a bunch of excuses that sounded fake but got Yeonjun to end the call with a chuckled I’m on my way.

That leaves Kai with two things to deal with while he waits for the older to come pick Soobin and end this nightmare-ish Friday night. The first thing is Soobin being excessively clingy to the point that Kai can’t move an inch while being squished in a hug that makes it hard to breathe. The second is the cellphone in his grip. The lockscreen mocking him to be more exact. It’s them. Soobin’s lockscreen is an old picture of him and Kai on their first prom night. They’re both smiling and winking, cheeks squished together while trying to fit in the frame, he remembers holding Soobin’s hand where the frame can’t see.

Soobin has a picture of them together as his lockscreen for god knows how long. Soobin keeps this fragment of a memory close to him every single day, while Kai keeps this same picture inside a box that he hides in his closet and never opened in since he moved out of his parents house. A box of memories he never opens for obvious reasons. It’s funny how Kai avoids everything about them from the past while Soobin embraces them. Maybe that’s enough proof that they changed completely — well, proof that Kai changed completely compared to his younger self.

“I don’t want Yeonjun-hyung to come,” Soobin whispers against the exposed skin of Kai’s neck, shivers running through the other’s body enough to make his grip on the cellphone almost falter. “I want to be with you. Can I be with you like this forever?”

“You’re still so clingy,” Kai snorts, trying to control his breath and the pounding of his heart. “I guess some things didn’t change after all.”

"I didn't change a thing when it comes to you," Soobin slurs what sounds like a confession, his lips hovering too close to Kai’s neck. He can almost feel the faint brush of lips against the skin.  "I still love you. I still want to be with you. I still remember our promise."

Kai frowns. "Our promise?"

He never got a chance to remember the promise Soobin is talking about — only later, when he was all alone in his bedroom and decided to open that damned box of memories that he avoided for so long. A car parks right in front of them, a guy with dark blue hair coming out of it and flashing a dazzling smile at them. Kai has no idea who he is, but he has the feeling that this is the Yeonjun-hyung that he talked to on the phone minutes ago. The man opens the door to the passenger side and makes room for Kai to drop a clingy and heavy Soobin in the seat. It’s a little difficult to disentangle his arms from his neck, especially when Soobin was adamant in not leaving Kai no matter how hard he and Yeonjun tried to push Soobin away. Soobin only gives up when Yeonjun promises to pay him brunch tomorrow and says he’d cuddle him when they get home.

Kai doesn’t get jealous of the way Soobin smiles blindly at Yeonjun’s propositions. He has no reason to be jealous.

“Thanks for calling, this goofball and alcohol is the worst combination ever,” Yeonjun jokes, closing the door and leaning onto it for a moment. “You must be Huening Kai, right?”

“Right,” Kai bows politely. “Thanks for coming in such short notice, Yeonjun-ssi.”

“No need to be so polite,” Yeonjun taps his shoulder. “You can call me hyung, too.”

“Oh, okay. Hyung,” Kai says, biting the inside of his cheeks. “I guess I’ll get going too. I feel more at ease knowing that Soobin is in good hands. Have a good—”

"Hyuka, come home with me,” Soobin interrupts him, the car windows completely open while he makes grabby hands at the man. “I don’t want to be apart again.”

“Someone is needier than normal,” Yeonjun chuckles, moving away from the car and winking at Kai. “It was nice knowing you, Kai-ssi. I’ll get going before he opens the door and glues into you again.”

“It was nice knowing you too, hyung,” he smiles back. “Drive safely and have a good night.”

“Hyuka,” Soobin whines, pouting cutely. “Stop ignoring me for Yeonjun-hyung.”

Yeonjun lets out a loud laugh that makes Kai feel embarrassment kissing his cheeks, painting them an angry pink, looking away so neither of the men can see. It’s already embarrassing enough having Soobin acting so clingy and needy, but that was beyond something he’d do if he wasn’t inebriated.

"Binnie, I can't go to your home,” Kai tries to dialogue, staring at the pavement under the car wheel. “I have things to do, remember?”

"Can you say that again?" Soobin asks, his eyes droopy as he leans back on the seat.

"What?"

"Call me Binnie," he says, sighing deeply. Another thing Kai learned is that drunk Soobin also means a pouty Soobin — which isn’t doing any good to his heart and mind, everything inside him screaming for him to kiss those pretty lips.  "I don't like when you call me Soobin."

Kai holds back the endeared smile that’s creeping in the corner of his lips. "But it's your name.”

"When you call me like that it sounds like we're not close," Soobin mulls aloud, his tone sounding as if he’s about to fall asleep. "I don't want us to be strangers."

"We won't," Kai says, leaning closer to the window and nodding at Yeonjun. A silent plea for the other to start the engine and drive away before Soobin can embarrass himself and Kai altogether even more. "Get home safely. Have a good night."

"Good night, Hyuka." Soobin mumbles. "I love you."

Kai can’t say it back, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to say it in Soobin’s face after knowing all the pain he caused him all these years. He withdraws from the window, watching as Yeonjun steps on the gas and leaves the sidewalk away. Kai stays in the same place even before the car isn’t in view, hugging his torso and taking a deep breath. He looks at the sky, only a few faint stars watching him, all of them probably judging him from hurting one of them. Kai wishes he could turn back in time and never accept Soobin’s invitation to drink — he wishes he had never pushed the man away, but that’s another thing he’d have to live with in the pile of mistakes he made.

At twenty-four, Kai is sure that old feelings die hard, especially his feelings for Soobin. It’s been almost weeks since the night they drinked together and the whole emotional conversation. Ever since, Kai has been a little more wary around Soobin, trying his hardest to not run away whenever the other is close so it doesn’t look like he’s back to avoid Soobin — deep down he wishes he was avoiding Soobin because things are harder than before now. As it seems, Soobin remembers absolutely nothing about what happened that night except what Yeonjun told him in the morning after he woke up with a pounding head and dry throat. If Soobin doesn’t remember their conversation, Kai won’t be the one to remind him.

That brings him to this moment: having to deal with all the feelings that night awoke in him. Feelings that Kai knew still existed inside him, but was so busy that he didn’t have time to think of. With Soobin on the picture, he can never spend a whole day without reminiscing the past and daydream about kissing Soobin stupid or hugging him during his lunch break or going home and talking on the phone until one of them falls asleep. Kai’s heart is longing for the same things it used to do, only now it wants more serious things.

Soobin is acting the same way, hopeful that their friendship is going back on the rails. He stops in Kai’s classroom during breaks and chit-chat with him until he’s called by some other teacher. He brings him take-out for lunch and homemade sweets that make Kai’s heart flutter, he always checks him out when school hours are over and makes sure that he has a lift to his house whenever he needs it. Kai refuses all the lifts, all the hang-outs outside of school and especially the invitations to drink.

Overall, Soobin is ready to start from where they left out all those years ago, their split up completely ignored. But Kai can’t do that yet, not when all he can think about is how much they changed, how much he made Soobin suffer waiting for replies that never came. Kai can’t start from where they left out because he has no idea how to mend the holes he made in their friendship.

Beomgyu comes by a few hours after the bell rang signaling the end of school hours for today. His backpack on his shoulders and the same plaid shirt on his body, shoes rattling on the floor when he enters the classroom and sits on the edge of the table as he always does. Kai takes one look at him to acknowledge his presence and goes back to finish the rest of the teaching planning for next week. Beomgyu is used to waiting for Kai by now, never one to complain for getting home late as he too despises being alone in his apartment. It’s a thing they share and have in common, one of the few that Kai can count on his fingers.

"Hyuka, you found time to bake cookies yesterday?" Beomgyu asks, swinging a small bag with white chocolate chip cookies in his hand.

"Huh?" Kai lifts his head slightly, glancing at the bag in his friend’s hand. "Ah, Soobin-ah brought it to me."

"Soobin-ssi?" Beomgyu hums, eyebrows furrowed. "He made you homemade cookies?"

"I think so?" Kai says absent-mindedly, focused on the things he’s noting down in his notebook. 

"Ah," he whistles, opening the bag and taking a cookie from it. "That's suspicious."

Kai drops his pen, raising an eyebrow at Beomgyu. "Suspicious?"

"Yeah," he nods, eating the cookie in small bites that look adorable. "Why would he bake you cookies?"

"Because he's my friend?" Kai retorts, closing his notebook and leaving it aside. He won’t be able to finish his planner if Beomgyu wants to have a debate about why Soobin is baking him cookies without any plausible reason. "I do things for you all the time."

"You fucking liar," Beomgyu snorts. "You buy me things all the time, that's different."

"You know I don't cook that well," Kai whines. A feeling inside him is telling that this conversation won't be as easy as it sounds.

"I'm not asking you to cook me things, I'm just stating the facts," Beomgyu says with a mouthful.

"Facts?" Kai frowns. "What facts?"

"That Soobin-ssi likes you," Beomgyu replies, matter-of-factly. "And that you like him back."

And here comes the complicated part that the nagging feeling inside him was screaming about minutes prior. Kai should start paying attention to this strange sense of knowing when conversations will be uncomfortable for him that he developed ever since Soobin came back. It'd be a life-saver, but he always ignores it.

"What?"

"You suck at hiding your feelings," Beomgyu states.

"What are you talking about?" Kai tries to play stupid, acting as if he doesn’t know that Beomgyu has already sensed everything that’s going on between Kai and his best friend from the past. 

"About the mutual pining that's going on between the two of you,” Beomgyu looks at him with raised eyebrows. 

"Mutual pining?" Kai chuckles, too strained and fake to be played off as anything other than him giving reason enough for Beomgyu to pick up the signs that he’s lying. "You're sure you're not talking about you and Donghyuck?"

Beomgyu points a finger at Kai’s guilty face. "Don't change the topic, smartass."

"You're delusional," Kai shakes his head, looking away before the truth in his eyes and face cause even more damage. "There's nothing going on between us."

"I didn't say there was something going on between you and him," Beomgyu points out. "Is there something you're not telling me, Hyuka?"

There it is, Beomgyu already knows what’s happening. Here’s something about Choi Beomgyu: he always gets whatever’s happening around him, it doesn't matter if his predictions are right or wrong. Kai never needed to say things with words for Beomgyu to pick them up — he blames it on the fact that he’s an open book, but he came to know that Beomgyu is just good at reading people in general. It’s no surprise that he’s suspecting, and that he probably already has the answer before Kai has the chance to say it. All that it’s left it’s to let Beomgyu knows it from his own mouth rather than seeing it all over his face.

"We had… something,” Kai starts, carefully measuring his words. "Before, when we were teenagers."

"I knew it!" Beomgyu claps his hands together in victory, dropping the bag of cookies in the process. They crumble as it falls to the ground, a metaphor that Kai refuses to acknowledge.  "You guys were a lovey-dovey couple in your teen years."

"It's not like that," he puffs his cheeks side to side, a habit he has for whenever he’s nervous. "Not that lovey-dovey."

"Wait a minute…" Beomgyu gets up from the table, leaning his whole body until his face is close to Kai’s. "Is Soobin-ssi the boy you talked about when we were in college? The one you were desperately in love with?"

The L word makes him flinch slightly. Kai still has problems with associating it with Soobin, with saying it aloud so easily after that night. He knows that his feelings for Soobin are still the same from when they were eighteen, it never changed, it never gone away, Kai never had the chance to move on when his heart belonged to a boy in Houston — to a man that now lives in Seoul, a man that bakes him cookies and talks to him even when Kai makes the conversations purposefully short. He can’t lie or deny anymore, not to others, not to himself.

"Still am," he closes his eyes at the sound of the confession, taking a deep breath that makes his chest physically hurt. "The boy I still am desperately in love with."

"Another score for Beoms here," he smashes his hands on the table, the sound echoing in the room and startling Kai. Beomgyu makes his stupid victory dance that Kai is so used to seeing, the one that never fails to make him smile even if he’s angry for losing whatever game they were playing. "Beomgyu one, Kai zero."

Kai rolls his eyes. "Shut up.”

"So what you gonna do?" Beomgyu asks, leaning on the table again and trying to find any undamaged cookie inside the bag. 

"About what?"

"Your big and embarrassing crush on Choi Soobin-ssi, obviously.”

Is something Kai thought about before. What will he do now that he knows his feelings are the same and Soobin’s one's looks the same too? His mind doesn’t give him lots of options, it’s basically the same thing. A or B. Confess again, get together again, pray that things work out even if the future is always uncertain. Or wait for the feelings to disappear and give an end to this story that's lasting too long. None of the options are easy for Huening Kai, so he creates a third one that seems easier than having to confess or pretend he has no feelings for Soobin.

"Nothing."

Beomgyu chokes with a choco chip, coughing aggressively. "Nothing?"

"Yeah, nothing," Kai repeats, set on his third option — that looks more like a mix of his second option with a dash of doing absolutely nothing. "I'll wait until it goes away."

"Kai, I'm afraid that it won't go away like that," Beomgyu says, pinching the bridge of his nose in disbelief. "You're in love with him for what? Eleven years already?"

"It's not that much!" Kai whines, adding in a hushed tone, "Just a few years."

"A few years that will turn into way more if you don't do something about it,” Beomgyu counterattacks, always with the last word on the tip of his tongue.

He knows he needs to do something, choosing between two options that can completely backfire isn’t the safest route. But Kai is desperate at this point. He can’t choose the first one, he can face Soobin and tell him that he likes him all the same because what if it’s all a glimpse of the past in the future? He can’t stop thinking about how much someone can change in six years apart, how both of them are not the same Choi Soobin and Huening Kai from their childhood and teenage years. How can Kai go back to that place when he’s not the same?

"What am I supposed to do?" Kai says, nervously brushing hands in his hair, gripping on it a little harder than necessary. "Things changed, Gyu. I'm not the same boy I was when he left six years ago."

"But you still like him the same way," Beomgyu says in a softer approach, clearly seeing that the subject is taking a toll on his best friend. "Does it matter if you’re someone different?"

For some reason, Kai thinks that it matters. He can’t stop thinking about how easy it was for Soobin to say that he still loves him the same. How could Soobin still love him when he knows nothing about this new Huening Kai? How can he be so sure of his feelings when Kai is going through internal turmoil every single morning at the prospect of seeing his childhood crush act so fond of him? How can Soobin still love him when he did nothing but hurt him?

"It's just…" Kai sighs shakily. "I'm scared."

"Scared?" Beomgyu sounds surprised. "Of what?"

"Of things not being the same," he admits, covering his face with his hands. "We were never something, we only kissed and confessed but never did anything about it. I'm scared that things won't be like I pictured once we become something."

"Hyuka, I love you lots and you’re my best friend in this life, but what you said it's the most stupid thing I ever heard," Beomgyu says, putting a hand on Kai’s shoulder and gripping it hard to make the other look at him. When Kai takes his hands out of his face, he’s greeted by a stinging flick on his forehead. Beomgyu doesn’t even pretend to be apologetic for doing that in Kai’s supposedly fragile moment. "You guys kissed and confessed, just because it didn't have a label doesn't mean it wasn't something already. You guys were almost boyfriends if you wanna know."

"What if he doesn't like me the same way?" Kai can’t stop the insecurities from overflowing now that he left one of them out of the old trunk he usually keeps them shut. "What if he's just feeling some lingering feelings that will go away once we become something?"

"You gotta be kidding me," Beomgyu huffs, flicking Kai’s forehead once again, ignoring his whimpers and complaints. "This dude is baking cookies for you. Donghyuck told me he's asking around pastries recipes to other teachers. Dude wants to bake you things for no reason, no lingering feelings makes you do that."

He knows that Beomgyu is right, all his words make complete sense when he looks at the whole picture of Soobin’s display of affection lately. Since he can’t do the same things from before, he seems to be finding new ways to show Kai that he’s still around and that he can rely on his past best friend. Soobin isn’t a talkative lover, never was when they were younger. He’s the acting type, the one that does things to you and shows bits and parts of his affection by doing such.

"It's been so long since I last saw him," Kai whispers, hugging his torso and glancing at the crumbled cookies Beomgyu left on the table.

"I know that you're scared, but wouldn't it be nice to give this a chance?" Beomgyu goes back to his soft persona after putting some sense into Kai’s mind, smashing his insecurities aside so he can think better. "You're both older now, things will be easier without that much pressure on your backs. Give it a chance, Hyuka.”

"What if everything goes down the drain?" Kai asks, worrying at his bottom lip. "What if this love we feel is not that big to make this last? What if it doesn’t work like I always thought it would?”

"Then it's over," Beomgyu replies simply, shrugging. "But you'll sleep better knowing that you at least tried."

"I…" Kai stops, looking at his best friend. "You're right."

"I'm always right," Beomgyu flashes him a smug smile, the hand on his shoulder moving to his hair and ruffling it until Kai’s hair is pointing to every side. "Now go on, ask the guy out and see where it goes. He's already head over heels for you, I doubt he'll say no."

At twenty-five, Kai still thinks that if love looked like something, it’d look like Soobin. Soobin picking him up with Yeonjun’s car that he borrowed so they could go on a friendly date, wearing an expensive suit with his well-known beige coat and with glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. Kai never saw him with glasses in all their years together, Soobin always opted for lenses because glasses were bothersome sometimes. When Kai asked about, all he did was smirk, shrug it off and say that he wasn’t in the mood to wear contact lenses today — the real reason is that Kai commented once that he liked men in glasses, and Soobin maybe is a little too infatuated with this man to leave his prescription lenses behind and get back on the glasses he only uses when he’s home.

Maybe Kai was lying when he said to Beomgyu that he’d ask Soobin out, he wasn’t brave enough to do such. Thank goodness that for some reason, his birthday approached too soon and that left an opening for Soobin to man-up and ask him to dinner. Kai was akin to turning down the offer and spending his birthday as he always does — working and getting take-out with Beomgyu later while they watch whatever movie the other is up to —, but as always Beomgyu had things ready. He gave a lazyass excuse and left Kai with no other option except putting on his fancy suit and getting inside the car later that day.

Dinner with Soobin was… uneventful, compared to their first hang-out together months ago. Soobin didn’t have a sip of alcohol and he only talked about their good shared memories, some things about their daily life, a few comments here and there about his family and his personal life. It was enjoyable, Kai caught himself wishing that the night wouldn’t end anytime soon. They talked like they never did in the past months, bonding as they should have done from the beginning. They laughed, talked, joked and smiled the whole night over an expensive meal, a glass of wine for Kai and apple juice for Soobin.

Eighteen-years-old Kai would probably say that was one of the best nights of his life — and twenty-five-years-old Kai completely agrees.

When the glasses and plates were empty and dessert was already on their bellies, he knew things were coming to an end. Even if he wished for the night to last forever, everything is bound to an end sometime. This enjoyable night ended in the form of Soobin paying for their dinner and extending a hand to Kai so they could leave their table. Kai doesn’t think too much when he takes Soobin’s outstretched hand and intertwines their fingers while they leave the restaurant.

He only realizes they’re still holding hands when they stop next to Yeonjun’s parked car, his eyes widening slightly before he drops. It’s not weird as he thought it’d be, his body acting on muscle memory when holding Soobin’s hand. It’s a habit they used to have, to always hold hands, he can totally blame his slip on that. But it doesn't matter how many excuses he makes, his heart knows that this is something he wanted to do.

Kai wants to hold Soobin’s hand, all the time.

“I have a birthday present to you,” Soobin brings him back to reality, one arm leaning on the car.

“You didn’t have to,” Kai protests, putting his hands deep inside his coat pockets so he can prevent himself from holding Soobin’s hand again. “You already paid for my dinner tonight.”

“It’s your birthday, Hyuka,” he clicks his tongue, glancing at Kai as if he hung the moon and all the stars they could gaze at tonight. “I’d give you everything and much more.”

“There’s no need for anything else,” Kai shakes his head, the thought of Soobin going overboard for his birthday giving him more expensive things that he’d never be able to pay back somehow. “You’re already giving me a lot lately.”

Soobin huffs, wiggling his shoulders in annoyance. “You’re never going to stop denying my gifts, are you?”

“I just don’t want you to spend that much money on me,” Kai says sheepishly, lightly kicking the pavement under his shoes.

“But I want to spend it on you,” Soobin pouts. “Let me treat you, Kai.”

Something that never changed between them no matter how much time passes, is the fact that Kai can never say no to the man in front of him. Couldn’t say no to him when they were thirteen and still can’t say no to him in their twenties. Kai wonders if someday he’d be able to say no whenever Soobin looks at him and asks something with pleading eyes — he knows he’ll never be able to, the yes always slipping from his mouth as if it’s second nature. 

“Okay,” Kai sighs, defeated. “Give me the present.”

“I forgot it in my house,” Soobin says with a quirk of his mouth, pointing at the car with his head. “Would you mind going there with me?”

It’s endearingly suspicious, Kai can’t help but smile at the weak display of nonchalance and smugness, Soobin isn’t good at any of that. It’s funny how on their first night out, Soobin asked him out to go to his house when everything was over, and Kai was eager to deny. Tonight, he hesitated for a minute too long. Overthinking, willing to go this time without a second thought. He could go, right? There’s nothing wrong with going, he can just pick his present and leave before anything dangerous happens. And by dangerous, he means having to talk with Soobin about them. 

But first, he decides he’ll tease Soobin a little for the sake of old times. It’s always deja-vu whenever they’re around each other, Kai decides to feed into this private joke the universe has going on. 

“You’re asking me to go to your house in the middle of the night after paying for my dinner?” Kais asks with a raised brow.

“It’s not like that!” Soobin says with flushed cheeks, eyes widening as he takes in the innuendo on Kai’s words. “I swear—”

Kai laughs loudly. “I’m just joking, Soobin-ah.”

“You’re too jokester lately,” Soobin punches him lightly, the air around them reminiscing of something from the past. The many times they joked around and lightly punched or pushed each other, a thing that used to be a habit on their days.

“Wasn’t you that whined about wanting the old me back?” Kai comments, pushing Soobin away in retaliation.

“Yeah, I missed my Hyuka,” he says in a breath, looking stupidly in love at Kai — not that he’s ready to acknowledge the love in Soobin’s eyes, he pretends he doesn’t see it. “I like the old one, but I like the new one too. Both Hyukas have a special place in my heart.”

“You can have both,” he coughs, looking away before he can see too much of himself in those eyes.

“I’m not sure I can,” Soobin muses, his expression lost in thought. He blinks right next, flashing his dazzling smile and lightly tapping the car. “Anyways, let’s go pick up your present.”

The drive to Soobin’s house wasn’t as weird as Kai thought it’d be after their last conversation in the parking lot. Soobin seems to be trying his best to leave the mood as light and enjoyable as possible for both, making small talk and allowing Kai to choose whatever radio station he likes better. A soft tune fills the silence whenever a topic reaches the end, and Kai doesn’t feel that gnawing nervousness from the beginning. If anything, he feels light, like he could spend the whole night with the man by his side again.

Soobin lives in a nice condo downtown, something that looks expensive and more than Kai’s monthly income can afford. He parks the car in the garage and guides Kai through the hallway and elevator, more small talk that’s making him strangely nervous. Kai wonders if someday their friendship in adult life will be more than small talks that never linger, Soobin breaking himself into tiny pieces to make amends and Kai doing absolutely nothing to change. He wishes he could take the blame out of him, but if not him, then who is the one to blame?

The elevator’s door opens on the twentieth floor, Soobin softly pulling Kai out of the elevator while holding his wrist — he doesn’t hold his hand, he doesn’t initiate any type of contact between them; he waits for Kai to do it, when he’s comfortable enough. Kai lets himself be pulled through the hallway until they stop in front of Soobin’s door, his keys rattling as he takes them out of his coat pocket, unlocking the door and giving space for Kai to enter first.

When he turns the lights on, Kai is surprised to find a place that looks so much like home. Even if it’s been here for not that long, Soobin already made the place feel a lot like somewhere he belongs. The furniture is in all tones of light brown, the walls are white and he doesn’t have that many decorations compared to Kai’s apartment that has an assortment of things in the walls and furniture. He has a few plants decorating the space closer to a door that leads to a balcony but other than that there’s a lot of empty spaces on some corners.

Soobin’s home is simple and cozy, just like its owner.

“Your house is nice,” Kai whistles, spinning around so he can see all the things that he left behind his back.

“It’s only temporary,” Soobin comments, clicking the door shut and walking to the kitchen, pouring a glass of water for both of them.

“Temporary?” Kai walks to the kitchen, still amazed by the luxurious house he’s inside. He picks the glass of water and takes a sip, holding it carefully. “You’re leaving?”

“My contract is only for a year, you never know when the school can fire you,” Soobin jokes, a low chuckle rumbling.

“You’re right,” he agrees, leaving the still full glass of water back on the counter. He takes another glance around the house and has to keep his lips shut so he doesn’t stand open-mouthed while staring at the place. “So, where’s my present?”

“In my room,” Soobin replies, moving the glasses to the sink and drying his hands.

Kai raises an eyebrow in suspicion. “In your room?”

“Yes,” he agrees, already walking away from the kitchen, taking a look back and extending a hand to Kai. “I want you to go with me.”

“That’s suspicious,” Kai stares at the hand displayed for him. Such a soft hand, Kai’s one itch to intertwine their fingers again. “Why would you ask me to go with you to your bedroom?”

Soobin huffs, embarrassment clear in his face. “Stop insinuating things, Hyuka.”

“You still look cute when you’re embarrassed,” Kai smiles fondly, taking Soobin’s hand in a surge of courage and intertwining his fingers like he’s been itching to do. “It never changes.”

“Some things always stay the same,” Soobin mimics the same smile on his lips, walking them both through his house.

“Yeah, they do,” Kai whispers only to himself.

He decides to deal with the consequences of his greediness tomorrow. Tonight it’s his birthday and he can still have a few hours left of only thinking about himself and doing whatever he wants.

He lets Soobin guide him through the place once again, letting the other be his eyes in this path that he has zero acknowledgement over. Soobin’s hands seem to be a little shaky, his nervousness slipping from their point of contact. Kai holds his hand a little tighter in assurance, smiling softly when Soobin glances backwards. Even if Soobin has changed with time, Kai can still pinpoint when his friend is nervous or uneasy, his hands always shake and he only stops when someone holds them tight. He wonders if someone held Soobin’s hand during college when he was feeling like that.

Jealousy tastes like sour orange. Regret tastes like something burned in his palate.

Soobin lets go of his hand once they reach a door that Kai believes is his room. He opens it and gets inside, motioning for Kai to wait a minute before he can enter. He can faintly see Soobin aimlessly walking through the dark room, the sounding of something clicking coming right next. Soobin doesn't come to fetch him, he calls his name from inside and waits for Kai.

A million stars, that's what Kai sees when he enters the room in wary steps. Not only stars, a million galaxies too, all of them looking at him from the ceiling of Soobin's room. It's not real, but it feels a lot like what younger Kai would say outside of Earth looks like. His mouth is wide open, his eyes watering, his heart pounding in his chest. Loud, so loud that he fears Soobin will be able to hear it from the silence in the room.

Soobin gave him a million galaxies in a room coming from a projector.

“Is that…?" Kai breathes out, words becoming difficult to leave his lips from how astonished he is.

Soobin smiles under the bluish hue from the ceiling. Another star from the million Kai is seeing, but this one is his from the moment they became friends.

"Happy birthday, Kai-yah."

"Where did you get this?" He manages to say, eyes going from the ceiling to Soobin perched close to a table.

"Internet," he replies simply. "I wanted glow-in-the-dark stars but I pictured this would be better."

Soobin still remembers the stars in Kai's childhood bedroom ceiling, the ones they used to look at until they became boring — the only witnesses from all the kisses and confessions they used to share in that room. Kai still has those stars, locked on the same box where he kept all his childhood memories when he moved. Kai already opened that box months ago, now he's reminiscing about everything each day with Soobin by his side.

An eternal state of deja-vu, that's what their relationship is. 

"It's way better," Kai chuckles, eyes looking for constellations. "It's almost like I'm really stargazing."

Soobin moves away from the table, reaching for Kai's hand and silently walking them to his bed. He lays down unceremoniously, leaving an open space by his side made especially for Kai. It’s comforting somehow, to know that even after all this time Soobin still leaves a space especially for him — it hurts too, because Kai never thought about a special space for Soobin in his new life. How could he do so many wrongs ever since adulthood came around?

 "We never got the chance to really stargaze together, so this is the closest to the real thing I could get you,” Soobin says, watching carefully as Kai slowly sits by the bed’s edge.

"Soobin, this is beautiful. I…" he stops, looking at the ceiling before laying right beside Soobin, shifting until they’re face to face. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me," Soobin grins. "I wanted to give you something material too but I had no idea what to get you and Beomgyu-ssi didn't want to tell me anything about what you like nowadays."

"I still like all the same things I used to," Kai can’t help but mimicking the grin on Soobin's face. "Nothing changed."

"Yeah," he sighs, laying his head under his arm. "But in the end, everything has changed. Between us, things are not the same."

Kai’s biggest fear finally finds him after he did such a great job at hiding. He knows there’s no running back anymore, he needs to face this once and for all. He wishes he could do it another night, have more time to gather his feelings and thoughts so he doesn’t end up messing everything up. Kai isn’t the type to work well under pressure, he needs time before saying or doing something — especially when it comes to such draining conversations.

He can’t run anymore. He takes a deep breath and urges his brain to not turn down in the moment he needs it the most.

"Soobin…"

"Have you ever thought about me while I was away?" Soobin cuts him off, his tone sounding strained.

Why do they need to have this conversation when it pains both of them? Kai has the answer, he knows it’s something between the lines of solving their disagreement and letting this page of their story go. But Kai fears what talking about will lead to. What if Soobin decides it’s not worth it anymore? What if the end really means the end of them?

"Every single day," Kai breathes out, his voice sounding equally strained. He shifts on the bed, staring at Soobin under the galaxies. "Still do."

"Me too," Soobin says, his pained expression leaving space to relief upon Kai’s confession. "Sometimes I miss you so much, even when you're close to me."

"I know. You said the same thing that night we drinked together," he points out, only now acknowledging that this must be something that’s been bothering Soobin ever since he came back. Kai won’t deny the walls he put around him so Soobin couldn’t approach — now, it’s his own job to turn all of them down in front of the man he’s desperately in love with.  "I'm sorry I pushed you away. It's just… I'm scared, Soobin."

"I figured." Soobin shifts, staring at the ceiling. "You were always the runaway type."

"I still love you, sometimes my heart aches for you so much that I think something bad is happening," Kai keeps saying, the confessions he kept inside him piling up and flowing out of him now that they have permission to do so. Kai can’t stop anymore, his glance set on Soobin’s side profile and all the feelings for this man wanting to be professed. "Longing is killing me."

"Then stop doing it," Soobin states. "I'm right here. I still love you, I still want all the things I wanted at eighteen."

"But we're not the same as we were at eighteen,"

"Everyone is bound to change, Hyuka." Soobin explains, the obvious truth that Kai keeps close as a sword that pricks his heart in retaliation. Kai uses that same reason to keep building walls, but Soobin uses them for other reasons. "Let's get to know each other again. We don't have to jump into the dating part yet, let's meet again."

"Why do you still like me?" Kai asks, his mind still not understanding how Soobin can still be so sympathetic with him after all he did. "Why do you stay when I pushed you away so many times?"

"Because I love you," he doesn’t hesitate for a second in his answer. "I loved you for a long time. Feelings like this don't go away that easily, Hyuka."

Kai knows very well that feelings like the ones they have for each other don’t go away that easily. He had six years and more to get over his love for Soobin, and here he is. Still at the same place, still as hopelessly in love with the same boy from his childhood. 

"I wish you didn't love me this much when all I did was cause you pain,” he mumbles, looking away at a crumpled part of the sheets under them.

"And I wish you didn't push me out of your life that first time," Soobin says with a chuckle. "But we can't change what's already done."

No, they can’t. No matter how much Kai pleads and wishes, he knows that he can’t undo what has already been done. What he can do is live with his choices and stop beating himself up because of it. It’s easier said than done, but he knows he’ll learn to accept his mistakes from the past and live peacefully with them. He hopes Soobin won’t let go of his hands on the way — that is, if he still wants to hold his hands along the way.

"Soobin, tell me about yourself," Kai begs, wanting Soobin to fill the emptiness and silence around them with his soothing voice. "Tell me all the new things about you. Let's get to know each other again. Let's be best friends again."

"Your wish is my command," Soobin flashes him a mischievous grin, wiggling his eyebrows. "So, I didn't change much. I mean, I got this handsome face and have too many people swooning at me. But there's no need to be jealous since I only have eyes for you."

Kai rolls his eyes. "Silly."

"I didn't make lots of friends in college but I had Yeonjun-hyung by my side all these years. I've gone to exactly five parties and hated all of them, but got myself some hook-ups that never stayed for more than a few days. I like strawberries now and I have an addiction to dubious quality animations. And I—" he stops his rambling, closing his eyes momentarily and opening them to stare directly at Kai’s. "I never got over you. I never spent a day without thinking of you."

It pierces his heart, but Kai lets the pain become a friendly reminder of their longing rather than his fault for pushing Soobin away. Baby steps, that’s what he needs in the beginning.

"That's sad," Kai jokes half-heartedly, trying to keep the mood light. "Wish you had someone else to think of."

"I don't," Soobin twists his lips. "Thinking of you was one of the best things for me. Except when you cut me out of your life, then it was painful. But hey, to love is to be constantly in pain, isn't it?"

"No, Soobin." Kai stands up abruptly, a hand reaching for Soobin’s cheek in a comforting touch. How could he have brought so much pain to the star he promised to cherish and protect? "To love is to feel joy. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this because of my stupid insecurities."

"Stop saying sorry, it's bothering me," Soobin huffs, no real biting in his tone. "How 'bout ya? How did college life treat you?"

"Well, for starters I had Beomgyu since day one," he starts, leaning his elbows on the bed and looking at the ceiling again. "I didn't make lots of friends either and never went to any of the parties. Beomgyu set me up on some blind dates but they never went too far because I didn't feel anything for them. I still like all the things I liked when I was younger." He runs off of things to say, his boring college life being able to be summarized in a few words. "I'm still the same, I guess."

"Nothing new to share?" Soobin asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, I have a collection of plushies!” Kai gasps in excitement.

"Plushies?"

"They were my company in hard times," he explains before Soobin can make some joke about how this is childish like all the other people in his life said once he talked about his collection. "I have an assortment of Molang plushies in my house."

"Molang plushies,” Soobin repeats, thoughtfully. “Noted down."

"Don't even think about getting me one," he says in annoyance, lightly slapping Soobin’s thigh. "I probably have all of them already."

"Guess I'll have to find another thing to give you."

"You don't need to give me anything else," Kai says. "You're already giving me too much."

Soobin stands up from the bed, Kai following suit. He keeps seated on the bed’s edge, while Soobin is standing tall in front of him. "Can I give you one last thing today?"

"Only today," Kai allows, pointing a finger at him. "No more presents until my next birthday."

"Great!" Soobin cheers, clapping his hands together. "Okay. So, remember the promise we made when we were eighteen?"

That damned promise that means absolutely nothing right now. He remembers being extremely happy with the future once they promised that under his glow-in-the-dark stars when they were eighteen. It’s funny how that same promise is brought back to present days under the stars again.

"About dating?"

"When we're both twenty-five, we'd date each other if we didn't find anyone else by then," Soobin recites by heart, the promise probably engraved on his mind by now.

"You're not twenty-five," Kai mentions. "Can't fulfill the promise yet."

Soobin pouts cutely. "I know, but I wanted a reason to kiss you."

The idea makes him uneasy. He’s not opposed to kissing Soobin — god knows how much he’s been dreaming of it and desiring it every single time he sees the other. But that would make things real, too real for Kai’s heart to deal with. They’re on good terms now, they can be best friends with time again, but lovers? Kai never even dreamt of being able to speak to Soobin again, let alone having him as the object of his love again. He should grip this change in a tight hold, but his insecurities keep nagging at the back of his head.

Things didn’t work out when they were younger, what makes now any different?

"Soobin, are you sure about this?" He asks, tensely worrying at his lower lip.

"Just one kiss," Soobin pleads, looping his arms behind Kai’s neck, playing with the long strands of hair. "I won't ask again ever until we're both twenty-five and back to where we left off."

"I don't believe you,” Kai scoffs.

"Then let me prove it to you," Soobin prompts. "I waited six years for you. I can wait even more if it means I'll have you."

"Have you ever thought of the possibility of things not working out between us?" He puts his bigger insecurity on display for Soobin to look at it and dissect it as much as he wants.

"I did," Soobin replies, wetting his lips and cupping Kai’s face with a featherlight touch. "But I'd rather try first before suffering something that hasn't happened yet."

It’s always simple for Soobin. Always white and black, never a variety of gray shades in between. Soobin makes things simpler than they are because that’s his nature, ever since they were teenagers. Kai used to admire this in him, how he never seemed fazed by whatever life brought to him — with a few exceptions that he can pretty much count on his fingers. 

If everything can be simple for Soobin, Kai is determined to do the same.

"Soobin, kiss me." Kai orders, no longer a request. He wants Soobin to kiss him, no longer an invitation like he’d do if he wasn’t craving this so much. "Not just once. Kiss me as much as you want tonight."

Soobin doesn’t need to be told twice, his face moving closer to Kai’s, lips connected in a soft kiss in less than a minute. He never knew he needed to be kissed by Soobin again until he felt the other’s lips on his again. It’s sweet and filled with shared memories from their past — their first kiss on prom night, their kiss at Soobin sister's wedding, their last kiss in his bedroom and all the others in different times. But Kai doesn’t want those same kisses from the past, he craves for more. He craves for a new memory, one he’ll create tonight with Soobin’s mouth glued to his and Soobin’s waist under his hands.

Kai tilts his head to kiss Soobin deeper, tongue prodding his lips open, dipping inside his mouth, leaving Soobin gasping softly above him. His hands fist Kai’s hair, lightly pulling when their tongues meet eagerly, mapping the new crevices and spaces on their mouths — rediscovering a place they haven’t been in for a long time. Mid-kiss, Soobin gets tired of leaning to kiss Kai, deciding to straddle his hips and getting lost in the sensation of being so close to his past lover. Kai surely had forgotten how much he loved kissing Soobin, how this was one of the few things inside his hormone-induced mind in his teenage years; it’s like discovering a thing he used to love all over again.

Soobin pulls away with a soft intake of breath, much to Kai’s dismay, who still follows his lips before hearing the other’s laugh. "Do you have anything else to do?" 

"No?" Kai replies slightly breathless. He doesn’t want to talk, he wants to kiss Soobin again. "Why are you asking?"

"Do you mind spending the night?" Soobin asks in an equally breathless tone, his voice sounding raspy. There’s a faint blush in his cheeks, his lips slightly swollen and reddish, looking mesmerizing under the explosion of colors above them."I don't think I'll get enough for tonight."

Kai could never say no to Soobin — and he’s grateful for it, for once his inability of saying no to the man in his lap comes to hand.

"I'll stay," he says. "Kiss me as much as you want in the morning too."

"Can I kiss you in the afternoon too?" Soobin asks, playing with the same strands of hair he was pulling when they were kissing.

Kai clicks his tongue in faux chastise. "Don't be so greedy, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin laughs again, before moving closer to Kai and kissing him again. It takes him off guard, taking a few seconds to adjust to the feeling of Soobin’s mouth against his again. A thought keeps popping in his head, how his mouth seems to be perfectly made to fit Soobin when they’re kissing. They matched since the beginning, made for each other before even knowing. The kiss goes from languidly to passionately in seconds, feelings poured in a language that both can understand fluently, getting lost in each other without a care for whatever’s outside this little world they crafted for them in Soobin’s room.

Kai forgets time exists when Soobin is under him. They have all the time in the world, after all.

At twenty-six, Kai thinks love could last forever. Little did he know that forever isn’t as approachable as he thought it’d be. It's funny how forever seems like a far away time, when in reality it only lasts a few months — that's the time Kai's forever lasted from the moment he and Soobin decided to pick things up from where they left.

Things between them are like a dream coming true. Soobin goes out of his way to make all the guilt that Kai decided to bear disappear slowly, one step at a time as he said in the morning after Kai’s birthday. They talk a lot more about their feelings and fears, they mend their broken hearts while being next to each other, repatching the holes with pieces of the past and the new pieces they have. They get to know each other again between late night talks and dates that they both don’t call as dates yet. They kiss and hug and hold hands and stay in that fine line between friends and lovers, the same line they always find themselves in.

Kai is happy. The guilt is no longer a dead weight on his shoulders anymore, it’s not unbearable as it used to be ever since Soobin came back. Kai is more than happy, he's been beaming ever since his twenty-fifth birthday.

They have the day off that evening, Soobin not even waiting for Kai to know about the notice to ask him out. The whole drive to the place is a secret, never spilling from Soobin’s lips no matter how much Kai asks him, bordering on bothersome. Kai watches the city speeding past the car’s window, the light sun still shining up in the sky, a sense of peace taking hold of his body. It’s always peaceful whenever Soobin is close to him, like living inside a world that was built only for them. Kai rests his head on the window, closing his eyes momentarily, enjoying this little world of them.

Soobin brings him to the beach. The sun is close to setting when they get that, the ocean breeze hitting Kai in the face when he opens the door. He doesn’t remember the last time he visited the ocean, probably somewhere in his college years with Beomgyu. The beach fills him with nostalgia, even if he count on his fingers the amount of times he visited the beach — with his parents when he was a kid, with his uncles when they traveled abroad, with Soobin in a school trip, all by himself a few weeks after Soobin was gone, with Beomgyu when they needed to wind-up after finals. Something about the few hours before the sun is setting, the sound of the sea and the sand under his shoes makes him lively.

Or maybe, he’s only feeling like this because Soobin is holding his hand while they walk close to the shore.

They sit side by side on a patch of sand, not caring that it’ll get stuck on their coats or dirtying their clothes and the car when they get back. Soobin puts an arm around Kai’s side, bringing him close until Kai’s laying his head on his shoulder. They’re always like that nowadays, glued to one another like they used to do when they were younger — Soobin always the one to initiate it, never getting enough of having any piece of Kai’s body to grab onto or making himself closer to the other.

Whenever they’re together, it’s like slowly diving into a deja vu.

"Any reason why we're on the beach?" Kai asks, nuzzling himself into Soobin’s warmth.

“I brought you here so we could stargaze, but only then I realized this is a terrible place,” he says, hand stroking Kai’s hair. “So now we’re gonna watch the sunset.”

“Oh, watching the sunset?” Kai whistles, looking up at the man. “Soobin-ah, you didn’t tell me you’re such a romantic now.”

“Never had the chance to be romantic before,” Soobin shrugs. “Also, I wanted to have a nice place to do what I wanted to do but…”

Kai can sense the shift in the mood around them, Soobin’s faltering tone being the biggest flag that something is wrong. He shifts in Soobin’s shoulder, trying to detach himself so he can look at the other, but Soobin keeps him in the same place with a strong grip. It’s a silent request for Kai to stay where he is, the hand in his head going back to gently stroke his hair. It’s a lost battle, so Kai settles to be the one to call a truce.

"But?" He says, motioning with his eyes for Soobin to keep going.

Soobin holds his breath, worrying at his lower lip. "Promise me you won't be mad?"

"Mad?" Kai frowns, taking Soobin by surprise when he gets up and holds his hand while looking him in the eyes. "Binnie, why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I'm about to do something that you really won't like," he looks away, his expression screaming apologetic.

Kai holds both his hands tightly this time, reassuringly. "C'mon, it can be that bad."

"It's very bad, actually."

Soobin isn’t looking at him anymore, the sand under his legs looking way more interesting, and Kai is starting to feel anxious. The last time Soobin acted this same way was then they were eighteen and he was about to drop a bomb to their friendship. Kai takes a deep breath and tries to not think of the worst as if it isn’t the hardest task he has at hand. Maybe it’s something silly and Soobin is being his natural embarrassed self when it comes to anything related to their relationship.

"Binnie, stop beating around the bush and go straight to the point," he gives Soobin the last piece of courage he needs, his words acting as hands pushing him to wherever he needs to get.

It feels like hours when Soobin finally shakes his head slightly and looks at Kai again, his eyes already begging for forgiveness before Kai can even know what he’s supposed to forgive him for.

"I'm…" he stops, taking a shaky breath before exhaling. "I'm leaving again, Hyuka."

Soobin is speaking another language to his brain and ears, Kai can’t immediately understand him. "You're leaving?"

"Mom told me that dad is very sick and she wants me around to help in case things turn worse," Soobin explains in a flood of words that Kai is slowly understanding. He wishes he didn’t understand them. "I also got a good job opportunity."

Destiny is a funny thing, Kai came to learn that evening while the world was drowning both of them in the orange-y glow of the sunset. Destiny gave him Soobin when he was younger, then took him away in a blink of an eye. Destiny brought Soobin back to him years later and made him come to terms of never having him again just to give him without asking for nothing in return. Now, destiny decides to take Soobin away as payment for giving him for almost a year. Kai feels like laughing, maniacally until it turns to hysterical crying. How come he always has to say goodbye to Soobin whenever they’re close to wandering away from the fine line between friends and boyfriends?

"It's always a deja-vu whenever we're together,” he mumbles, laughing bitterly at his fate.

He lets go of Soobin’s hands in reflex, he can no longer have him when destiny decides that it’ll take him back. But Soobin isn’t as prone to give up so easily, so he holds Kai’s hands in a tight grip that shows his desperation at that moment. Kai didn’t fight tooth and nail when they were eighteen, he won’t do it now that they’re twenty-six. The news makes him sad, but he’d have to live with Soobin’s choice — love is about understanding the other person's choices, Kai learned that enough for a lifetime.

"I'm sorry," Soobin says, eyes closed while he brings Kai’s hands closer to his lips and kisses it tenderly. "I'm so sorry."

"Soobin, it's alright," Kai smiles weakly, trying to sound and look reassuringly. The least Soobin needs right now is for him to show how much the news affected him. "Binnie, I'm not mad. I would never be mad at you."

"But I'm leaving you again," he mourns, heartbrokenly. "Another broken promise."

"You should stop making promises by now," Kai gets his hands free, cupping Soobin’s face gently, holding a star that just fell from the sky. "You're leaving but that's how life works. I won't hold you back from the job opportunity and being there for your father."

"I don't want to be apart," Soobin pouts cutely, almost melting the ice walls that are slowly building around Kai’s heart. "I need you, Hyuka."

"I know, I feel the same," he says, stroking Soobin’s cheeks and staring lovingly at him. How can Soobin still make his heart pound faster even when they’re about to break ties again? Kai sighs, "But we have bigger things in the picture now."

“Do you want me to stay?”

This is a question that he doesn’t have to think of an answer because it’s on the tip of his tongue, ready to leave his mouth if he’s not careful enough. He wants Soobin to stay, of course he wants things to stay the same as they are now. Having Soobin visiting him on lunch break, having him bring homemade pastries, having a sure ride every night after work, spending mornings together before leaving for work. He wants Soobin to stay because it turned into a habit for him, he can’t see his days without him anymore. Soobin is a constant, and Kai never thought it’d come to an end someday.

“Don’t ask me this,” he breathes out, biting the inside of his cheek. “You know very well what my answer will be, and it’s not what you need now. Your parents need you and you already got a nice job offer. I don’t want you to lose this.”

Soobin rests his hands on top of Kai’s. “Hyuka, answer me.”

“No." It hurts him to say it, but it's necessary. For both him and Soobin. “I don’t want you to stay because I know that if I say yes, you won’t think twice to ignore everything and stay here just because I can’t bear to be away again.”

“I’m not that reckless," he mumbles.

“Yes you are,” Kai smiles endearingly. “You know that.”

"If I can’t stay, would you come with me?"

That's a question he isn't expecting to hear, but one he has an answer for nonetheless — for this one, he doesn't need to be careful and lets it run from his lips freely.

"Binnie, I love you and I wouldn't bat an eye if you asked me this when we were eighteen," he starts, looking dead in Soobin's eyes so he can see the sincerity inside him. "But I'm twenty-six now. My whole life is here, I can't just leave everything behind.

"I figured you'd say that," he mumbles to himself, sighing in defeat before plastering a fake smile on his lips. "You're right. It was a stupid question anyways."

"Hey, look at me," Kai pleads quietly, urging his star to stop before its glow fades completely. Soobin looks at him, uncertain in his body language as he can’t keep eye contact with him for more than a second. "We're going to be fine. We'll make this work this time."

"Hyuka, I want you to be my boyfriend,” Soobin blurts out, his expression not looking surprised by the words — if anything, Soobin looks determined.

"Huh?" Kai gasps, eyes widening when the words settle. "Soobin—"

"I don't want to go without us being something more like I did when we were young," he cuts Kai off, his voice not faltering at all. "I don't want to make the same mistake from the past."

Kai gapes, blinking in shock. "You want to be my boyfriend?"

"I'd be a fool if I didn't want that," Soobin chuckles amusedly. He takes Kai’s hands from his face and brings them to his lips again, another gentle kiss on the backs of his hands. Kai could get used to being this smothered in kisses if it comes from Soobin’s lips. "Be mine, Kai-yah. Please."

"Soobin, that's…"

Speechless. That’s how Kai finds himself in that moment. The orange-y glow is fading in front of them, the sunset that they supposedly came to see reaching an end before they could even watch it. Kai was so focused on looking at Soobin that he lost the purpose of what they came here for, but he’s not regretful. Looking at Soobin is better than looking at the sunset anyways.

"Yes,” he whispers, breathless at the thought of committing to something with Soobin. They’re walking out of the line they were wandering in, hand in hand and smiling at each other. Kai grins widely, throwing himself in Soobin’s body with his arms open to hug him. Soobin is taken by surprise, falling backwards into the sand with Kai above his body, giggling in joy. “Yes, I'll be yours."

"All mine," Soobin breathes out, brushing fingers over a loose strand of Kai’s hair, tucking it behind his ear and playing with it. "Like it was supposed to be from the beginning."

Soobin is beaming, glowing in the darkness that creeps around them. Kai is soobingazing once again, his favorite past-time from childhood.

"We've been boyfriends for less than a minute and you're already being this possessive?" Kai raises a brow, hands on the side of Soobin’s head, pinning him under.

"Can't help it," Soobin giggles, hands framing Kai's face. "I wanted you for so long."

"Me too, Binnie." He scoots over, breathing into Soobin's space. "Me too."

The kiss never happens, but neither of them seems to mind. A kiss is not necessary for this moment, only their bodies close to each other and the happiness floating around them is enough to make this moment unforgettable. Their foreheads are pressed together, Soobin's hands hovering over Kai's waist and drawing shapes with his fingers that makes Kai's heart skyrockets. Kai feels like he's inside a rocket leaving the Earth, getting closer and closer to the stars.

"We're gonna make this work, right?" Soobin says in a soothing manner, the worry in his tone not masked enough to go unnoticed.  "You won't push me away again?"

Kai moves his head away so he can look at him. Soobin doesn't have that painful, heart shattering look in his face he used to have whenever they talked about this topic. But Kai can see the worry in that, faintly but still clear to his eyes. Guilt is a weight that never truly goes away.

"I'll apologize for the rest of my life for what I did,"  he sighs, forever apologetic. "I won't, Binnie. You're stuck with me this time, boyfriend. "

"Good, I want to be stuck forever with you," Soobin says with a chuckle, the glow in his face upon being called Kai's boyfriend is enough to make the mood go back to the lightness from before. "I'll come back as fast as I can so we can be together for a long time, boyfriend."

"Take your time, Binnie." Kai leans in again and kisses the corner of Soobin's mouth. "I won't run away this time."

It's a promise. One that Kai is determined to keep.

At twenty-nine, Kai doesn’t think anymore. He turns his thoughts into reality, he acts rather than only thinking over it. His new way of living it’s what makes him walk around the lounge, bowing and greeting some other guests from the wedding. He can’t even believe that Taehyun, an old fling from him, would get together with Yeonjun and end up in the place they are tonight. It’s a small world, he came to learn after this event. But none of that matters now, Kai has other things in his mind. He has a purpose tonight, someone he needs to see, a person patiently waiting for him at one of the tables.

Maybe not that patiently, taking by the distress in his expression and the assortment of empty champagne glasses above the table.

Soobin isn’t wearing baby blue this time, the soft color replaced by a dark shade of blue, a proof that no more deja vus are bound to happen between them. Kai has a theory that all things equal happened before they got together as a way to make them live in the same moment forever. Kai isn’t stuck in the past, he only has eyes for the future — his future with Soobin by his side, to be exact.

"Hello, Choi Soobin-ssi,” Kai greets, face leaned close to Soobin’s ear, his words bringing shivers to the other man. That brings a smile to his face, Soobin is always prone to react bodily to anything Kai does. 

"Hyuka!" Soobin turns around, looping his arms around Kai’s neck and bringing him close to a sloppy hug. He pushes him away for a moment to look at his face in shock. "You're really here?"

Kai giggles, kissing the top of his head gently. "'course I'm here, fool."

"He's completely wasted,” Beomgyu says in lieu of greeting, pointing at the empty glasses on the table.

Beomgyu looks handsome tonight, his long hair pushed behind and his suit accentuating his frame that it’s usually hidden by baggy pants and that same plaid shirt he wears everyday. If he wasn’t already in love, if he knew that things would never work between them, if Beomgyu wasn’t hopeless in love with Donghyuck for almost years, maybe Kai would try something with him. For now, he only shamelessly checks Beomgyu out and laughs loudly at how the other looks away in embarrassment and tries to shrink on the spot.

"Who's fault is that, Beomgyu?" Kai says with a raised brow, trying to detach Soobin’s arms from his neck — an impossible mission, a drunk plus clingy Soobin is a recipe for disaster.

"Don't point fingers at me," Beomgyu raises his hand in defense. "He's the one downing champagne like it's water."

"Binnie, enough drinks for you," Kai cups Soobin’s face, raising it a little so he can look at him. He can see the drunkenness in his boyfriend, in the way his cheeks are flushed, his eyes glossy and droopy and that fool-in-love type of smile — but that last reason could be because Kai is close to him after months.

"But I was having fun," Soobin sulks, the pout in his lips so kissable that Kai has to hold himself back. "What took you so long?"

"Funny story, Taehyun wanted me to meet his husband, not knowing that I'm already acquainted with Yeonjun-hyung," Kai comments, giving up on trying to detach Soobin from himself and only allowing the other to hold him tight as much as he wants.

"You know Taehyun-ssi?" Soobin asks, agape.

"Where the hell do you know Taehyun from?" Beomgyu asks, frowning slightly.

"Remember that dude you set up for me in our last year in college?" Beomgyu only nods in response. "It was Taehyun."

"What a small world," Beomgyu snorts, pointing a finger at the couple with a mischievous smile on his lips.  "You both hooked-up with the newlyweds."

"Huh?" Kai mutters, looking down at Soobin, who seems too out of it for a moment.

"I think Soobin-ssi should tell you," Beomgyu snickers, lightly patting Kai’s shoulder.  "And I think I should be going, Hyuck is waiting for me."

"You brought Hyuck as your plus one?" Kai asks in amazement.

"Yeah, thought it'd be a good idea in case you two got too lovey-dovey for my taste and made me the third wheel,” he explains, looking somewhere before adding with a more crestfallen tone, “But turns out he already clicked with someone else."

Kai looks around the tables and people close to them, searching for a face that he knows by heart from how much Donghyuck sticks around ever since he and Beomgyu became friends — and two fools in love that won’t do anything about their feelings for each other. He sees Donghyuck close to a few of Yeonjun’s friends, laughing and joking as if they were old friends reconnecting. The golden hair is unmistakable, one of Beomgyu’s favorite colors in Donghyuck’s hair.

"Man-up, Gyu-yah," Soobin calls their attention, cheering up Beomgyu in a sloppy manner that makes them both chuckle softly. Soobin looks adorable when he’s drunk, Kai feels his heart skipping a beat from seeing him in this state. "He's been looking over here ever since you sat next to me."

"And how do you know that?" Beomgyu scoffs.

"I'm drunk, not stupid," he retorts, showing his tongue. "I can see him checking here minute to minute "

"He's got a point,” Kai says, eyebrows raised.

"Of course you're going to side with your man,” Beomgyu huffs, crossing his arms over his chest before changing position again and settling with his hands inside his pants pockets. "You know what? Take care of your drunk baby, I'm tired of him whining about how much he missed you."

"I wasn't whining,” Soobin complains, clearly whining.

"Yes you were," Beomgyu flicks his forehead, shaking his head as he looks back at Kai. "How the hell you put up with him?"

Kai shrugs. "Love, I guess."

"Ew, couples,” Beomgyu puts his hands over his mouth as if he was about to throw up. Kai pushes him away, rolling his eyes.

"Don't forget to go where Donghyuck is," he says a bit too loud before Beomgyu can go far, laughing to himself as he sees Beomgyu turning around and looking angrily at him.

There’s only Kai and Soobin now, their little world turning around in its axis again, everything going back to place until it’s ready for them to go back. Soobin is silently hugging Kai, seated on his chair with his arms around Kai’s torso and head resting on his belly. The music is blasting from the make-shift dance floor in the middle of the hotel lounge, he can see Yeonjun and Taehyun dancing in their own little words too. He can’t help but compare their happiness to what Soobin’s older sister looked like in her own wedding. Do weddings always make the newlyweds happy like this? He hopes he has the answer for this someday.

He looks back to Soobin close to him, stroking his gel-slicked hair, avoiding all the hard strands. "So, you and Yeonjun-hyung had something?"

"Long ago. Nothin' but a few hook-ups," Soobin replies, his voice muffled and slurred against Kai’s black suit. He nuzzles the fabric, almost wanting to merge into it. "Hyuka, I missed you so much."

Kai feels the smile blooming in his own face. "I missed you too, Binnie."

"No, you don't get it," Soobin moves away from where his head was resting, looking upwards at Kai. His eyes shine under all the artificial colorful lights, rainbows and stars gleaming inside those orbs that Kai missed so much. "I was on the brink of going insane without you."

"We texted and video-called everyday," he says, knowing damn well that those things cannot compare to being skin to skin to his boyfriend. "You didn't have time to miss me that much."

"It's not the same thing," he says exactly what was in Kai’s mind. "Seeing you and not being able to touch was a pain in the ass."

Kai raises an eyebrow. "So you're going to stick into me the rest of the night?"

"I'm making up for lost time," Soobin says sheepishly, hugging him even tighter, hands stroking Kai’s back in a soothing manner.

It’s easy to get lost in time and space when he’s so attuned to Soobin. There’s no longer Taehyun and Yeonjun acting in love on the dance floor, no Beomgyu and Donghyuck mutual pining for each other and doing nothing about it, no more wedding and guests and music and hotel lounge. They’re in a space that shifts all the time, but they’re close and that’s what matters.

"Did you have fun without me earlier?" Kai prods, playing with Soobin’s ears.

"Not at all." His sincerity makes Kai’s heart beat faster. "I drank because you were taking too long, then I drank even more because I missed you. I miss you so much."

"I get it, baby," Kai leans down and leaves a lingering kiss on Soobin’s forehead. "You don't need to miss me that much anymore. I told you I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?"

The rawness of emotions in Soobin’s looks and voice makes Kai want to give everything to this man under him. He could never say no to Soobin, especially to a promise that comes out with such sincerity and desire to be always close.

"I promise," Kai says in a reassuring manner. "Now tell me, how did you learned about Donghyuck and Beomgyu mutual pining over each other?"

"Remember all the times Donghyuck came to my room when I worked at school?" Soobin rests his head against Kai’s belly again, not even waiting for Kai to nod in agreement to his question. "He was asking for advices because he wanted to confess to Beomgyu, but he gave up after a while because he thought you were a couple."

"Why does everyone think Beomgyu and I are a couple?" Kai huffs.

"You guys act like one," Soobin mumbles in response. "I used to be so jealous of him when I first got back here."

"I know," he chuckles to himself, remembering that first night they hung out together and Soobin spilled his jealousy. "And I told you there was no reason to be jealous."

"Can't blame it," he mutters. "Thank god you're mine now."

"Still possessive?"

"No," Soobin looks up, smiling droopily. "But I do want you all to myself. I've been Hyuka-starved for too long compared to everyone here who knows you."

Kai can’t control the want to smother this man in kisses, not even caring that people are looking. He kisses Soobin’s forehead again, the space between his eyebrows and the top of his head, all in that same sweet and fond way. He can’t get enough when it comes to kissing Soobin. "Don't worry, I'm all yours for the rest of the night."

"Just for tonight?"

"For how much you want me, Binnie." Kai leans down and kisses him on the mouth, just a soft peck so he can sooth Soobin’s drunk and clingy mind. "I'll always be yours."

“You know, I could really marry you right now, Huening Kai,” he says, not looking away or shying away as he does whenever he talks about something serious. Drunk Soobin has the confidence that sober Soobin only gets once in a while.

“The same Soobin that told me years ago that didn’t want to marry?” He jokes, trying to shift the mood.

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to marry. I said I didn’t want it at that time,” Soobin explains, his voice low. “But I want it now.”

Kai plays about it, but the words stick to the side of his brain like gum in his shoes. He remembers a dream he had once, about marrying Soobin and feeling that same happiness newlyweds feel on this special day. His dream is a little reachable with these words, but he knows that they won’t be around in the morning, once Soobin is sober enough to take them back before a bigger damage can be done.

But they stick and they make him dream of something that it’s still so unreachable.

“Binnie, you’re drunk,” he sighs, stroking the man’s nape.

“But I still know what I want,” he says in that same serious tone he uses sometimes when he wants to get his point across. It’s not a common occurrence, except when they’re arguing about something trivial. “And I want to marry you tonight. Do you think the priest is still around?”

“Soobin, look at me.” Kai holds his chin with his thumb and index finger, pointing his face upwards so he can get his point across this time. “You’re drunk. You don’t want to marry me tonight.”

Soobin pouts sadly. “Hyuka, don’t you want to marry me?”

“Of course I want it, baby,” he bites his lips hard to not smile. “But not tonight. Weddings don’t happen like that.”

“But I want to marry you now.”

“Ask me tomorrow when you’re sober,” Kai says in order to sooth his boyfriend until the drunkenness goes away. “Then I will accept it.”

The words stick and start to spread through his mind like wildfire, giving him a hope that it’s as dangerous as the one in a thirteen-years-old boy.

“You know what I want too?” Soobin says, taking Kai’s attention back to him. “To go home with you.”

“So soon?”

“Want to spend time with my boyfriend,” he explains, signaling for Kai to lean down so he can whisper the next words that makes a shiver run down the man’s spine, “Alone time.”

“Is that so?” Kai raises a brow. “What you wanna do, Binnie?”

“It's a surprise,” he giggles childishly. “Take me home, then you’ll know.”

“Well, that I can do for you tonight,” Kai says, hands around Soobin’s shoulders to lift him up and give him aid to walk back to Kai’s car — he decided to get a driver’s license as soon as Soobin left, no longer interested in getting rides from anyone else. “Let’s go, Binnie.”

They walk out without anyone seeing them, inside their own little world. Soobin rests his head on Kai’s shoulder while they walk outside the hotel doors, a place shaped only for him. Kai likes when Soobin is this close, the perfect place for both of them is in each other’s arms.

“Hyuka,” Soobin quietly calls him, fingers brushing in Kai’s hair while he hears the words rumbling from Soobin’s chest. He should be asleep, probably hungover and having a deadly headache, whining about being in pain and asking for Kai to kiss him better. Soobin sounds like neither, his voice hoarse from the morning like it usually does, tone soft as if talking to a child. 

“Are you awake?” Soobin asks when he receives no verbal answer from his boyfriend. Kai shifts against his chest, grimacing when the new position makes the sun shine directly on his face. He forgot to shut the blinds yesterday, a little too focused on Soobin’s body to pay attention to anything else.

“Hmm?” Kai mumbles, still in that fine line between awake and tempted to go back to sleep.

“Do you wanna marry me today?”

Kai feels the corner of his mouth quirk up in a lazy smile, he couldn’t be more in love with Soobin.