Work Text:
“ I give up.”
Seo Joon was done. For real this time.
In a way he felt kind of free. Like a huge weight had been lifted off of him.
Ji woo probably thought he meant that he was giving up on their relationship. Which wasn’t exactly wrong.
He did love him, truly. But Ji woo had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with him. Not only that, but their whole relationship Ji woo had just been thinking of someone else.
It hurt.
Seo Joon had been hurting for a long time.
When his parents, the people who were meant to love him most, abandoned him- something inside him broke.
He felt empty.
Like he’d been brought into the world just to cause trouble for others.
Fortunately, Seo Joon was a fantastic actor.
Both on the screen and in his life.
He could pretend to be happy go lucky and self assured. He could play the role of the cocky top-star with endless charm.
But nothing could take away the negative feelings of worthlessness gnawing at him constantly.
Although his fans helped at first, he learned quickly how fickle they could be. Being blindly devoted one second and then bitter and hateful once a nasty article was published.
Despite being a good actor, no one, not even Seo Joon, can keep their act up forever.
When things got particularly bad, his recklessness was revealed.
A complete and utter lack for his own safety.
Drinking until he blacked out, not taking his medication, leaving shoots randomly and putting his career in jeopardy- and more recently trying to jump out of a moving car.
Luckily, Ji woo never saw this side of him. How could he? When ever Seo Joon was with him, life was suddenly more bearable.
He felt like he truly mattered to someone. Someone wanted to be with him. He wasn’t ruining someone’s life, but making it better. Someone loved him. Not liked- but loved.
Maybe he was just lonely, or codependent.
Because he couldn’t see that he was wrong.
Ji woo never loved him. He never mattered to him. He made Ji woo’s life worse and that’s why he left him.
God, Seo Joon felt pitiful.
That wave of negative emotions he had been pushing away for so long, that emptiness- all came rushing back.
And this time Seo Joon let it consume him.
He checked his phone; Another bad article was written about him, his ‘fans’ were renouncing him. His father had called him and was now sending him texts- telling him to stop making trouble for his family. Seo Joon almost laughed at that. Since when were they family? He had a few calls from Pil Hyun and Ho min. His only friends. But something in his head reminded him- That Pil Hyun was his boss and Ho min was his manager. They were bound to him by contract.
Seo Joon sighed. He was exhausted.
He was tired of acting.
Tired of causing trouble for others.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of chasing after someone who never cared for him.
He let his phone drop out of his hands and got into that ridiculous camper he’d brought.
Except he wasn’t going back to Seoul.
He drove slowly. After all, there was no rush.
He passed by Yoo Ha and her mom walking home.
He cheerfully asked if there were any mountains she liked to go to.
She named one, and he politely thanked her and said his goodbyes to her and her mother.
He felt a little bad to do this to Yoo Ha, but he reminded himself that she probably won’t even remember meeting him when she gets older.
He drove up the mountain, recalling how Ji woo had told him he had thrown the ring he had gifted him off a mountain.
Ji woo could be so heartless at times.
Seo Joon parked the camper and began to walk deeper into the mountain.
He walked higher and higher, not really caring about getting lost.
He eventually found a cliff. There was construction tape that read “warning” around the edge.
He walked past the tape.
Seo Joon sat at the edge of the cliff, letting his legs dangle over certain death.
He wasn’t scared.
He always knew he’d die young, well that was until he met Ji woo.
Then he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with Ji woo, and grow old together.
Then Ji woo left, and with him so did Seo Joon’s will to live.
He thought he’d regain it after finding Ji woo and learning why he left him.
But he was wrong.
He felt worse after finding Ji woo.
And learning that he was never loved at all.
But Seo Joon didn’t regret it.
‘Maybe’ he thought, ‘this is how things were meant to be.’
He thought about what would happen after his death.
The media would probably go crazy for a few weeks and then forget about it.
His company would probably have a hard time without their top actor but Seo Joon also knew he was their most problematic actor as well.
Ji woo… Ji woo might feel relieved. If he even cared at all. Maybe he would feel a bit guilty.
Seo Joon laughed. Nothing was funny, but he was laughing anyways. Laughing at his situation, laughing at his bad luck, laughing at himself.
He started crying. Seo Joon wasn’t exactly sure why he was crying.
‘ I must look insane’ he thought as the laughing stopped and he was just crying.
“ This is the worst.” He said out loud to himself and whatever god cursed him.
He stood up.
He admired the view; The deep blue starry night sky, the black outline of other mountains in the distance, the trees hundreds of feet below him.
“ KANG SEO JOON” an all too familiar voice yelled from behind him. His voice was panicked and filled with fear and shock.
It was Ji woo. Making a face Seo Joon had never seen before. His eyes were wide and he was breathing hard, as if he had ran all the way there.
“ Kang Seo Joon what the fuck are you doing?” He yelled, running over to drag Seo Joon further away from the cliff’s edge.
Ji woo grabbed Seo Joon’s arm and pulled him past the warning tape before the actor yanked his arm free.
“ Don’t touch me. And mind your own business. Last I checked you couldn’t care less about me.”
“ Seo Joon, please.” Ji woo looked terrified.
“ Spare me your fake concern and leave me alone.”
“ I can’t, if you’re gonna- were you really going to…” he seemed utterly shocked and confused.
“ Yes I was going to.” Seo Joon answered with a straight face.
“ How can you say it so easily? This is your life we’re talking about!”
“ Relax, I’ve felt this way for a long time. This isn’t anything new.”
“ Since when? Why? Is it because of me?” Ji woo was slowly inching closer to Seo Joon.
“ Don’t get ahead of yourself, you’re not the only person to hurt me.”
Ji woo was scared. He knew something was wrong by the way Seo Joon had spoken to him when he said, “ I give up”. His words were heavy and he sounded utterly defeated.
When he later found Seo Joon’s phone on the ground he knew something was REALLY wrong.
He always knew there was a side to Seo Joon that he was never allowed to see. The reason why he was prescribed all those pills he had to take in the morning.
Ji woo had always admired Seo Joon’s relentless attitude. The way he would never give up if there was something he wanted. Although it could be annoying at times, Seo Joon always seemed confident he could do anything if he set his mind to it. Maybe that’s why Ji woo was so harsh. He knew the other would bounce back. At least that was what he thought. Seo Joon was confident, and strong and loved by thousands across the country. He was rich and talented- so why? Why was he trying to kill himself?
Ji woo felt a wave of regret. So strong it made him feel sick. There were so many words he wished he could take back. So many things he wished he had never done.
“ Seo Joon, please, let’s go somewhere else to talk about this.” He begged, knowing that he was probably the worst person in the world to comfort the other.
“ I don’t want to go anywhere, much less with you. Just let me be.”
“ I can’t. You know that” Ji woo knew he needed to do something. Call someone. But for now all he could do was buy time.
“ Why? Why would you ever want to do this?” He continued, asking the only question that had been on his mind.
“ You really don’t know as much about me as you think.” Seo Joon sighed. Ji woo probably thought he was crazy.
He thought for a moment. About what he should do. Seo Joon felt a little unhinged, like he had crossed a line that there was no coming back from. He had already decided his fate. Ji woo would have to put up a hell of a fight to stop him.
“ Seo Joon?” Ji woo asked, still waiting for a proper answer to his question.
“ What? You want me to confide in you and tell you my ‘deepest darkest’ secrets? You’re probably the last person I’d talk to. Even a stranger would be better.” He sounded bitter. Every word was filled with resentment.
“ I know.” Ji woo said quietly.
“ If you know, than why are you still here? You don’t have to help me. Just leave me- you’re good at that anyways.”
“ Seo Joon. Taking jabs at me isn’t gonna make me leave you. Please let’s just go talk somewhere else.” Ji woo took a few step towards the other.
“ I don’t want to go anywhere. How did you even find me, anyways?” Seo Joon remarked. It was odd how Ji woo had shown up so quickly.
“ I don’t know, I just felt something was off.”
“ So you ran up a whole mountain at night just because something, ‘felt off’?” Seo Joon raised an eyebrow is suspicion.
“ Yes. I was worried about you.” Ji woo admitted. He said it looking right into Seo Joon’s eyes.
Seo Joon faltered a bit, he could see that Ji woo was being honest. But that didn’t make sense?
“ Why would you care about me?” He asked. Not in a mocking way, or cynical way as he had been doing before; but quietly, genuinely.
“ I don’t know why. I left you and ran away as far as I could. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Ji woo took another few steps toward Seo Joon. They were face to face now, right across from each other.
“ You’re lying. What about you’re ex-girlfriend? I overheard you- you said you never stopped thinking about her too.” Seo Joon looked angry and astonished at the same time.
“ I just said that to not make her feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t the truth.”
“ Look Ji woo, you don’t have to feed me lies. “ Seo Joon's voice was shaking. He felt more offended than anything. No way Ji woo expected him to actually believe that.
“ It’s the truth. I did love you and I still do.” Ji woo reached out an arm to embrace the other but Seo Joon shoved him away.
“ You mean to tell me this whole time- You said you felt lonely when we were together. You said-“ Seo Joon’s voice broke. He was tearing up. “ I thought you couldn’t care less about me. That I meant nothing to you. Do you know how much I cried and antagonized over it?”
“ I know it’s hard to believe. That I could do something so stupid- and end up hurting you so much. I broke up with you because I felt like at the end of the day you have thousands of people behind you and me- well I only had you. So I felt like I was nothing without you.” Ji woo explained , letting the words spill out of him.
Seo Joon was at a loss for words. He stammered a bit but ended up saying nothing. Finally, he just looked up at Ji woo, trying to study his face to find some semblance of an answer.
Seo Joon had been an actor and public figure for a long time. The industry was full of crooks, liars, and con-artists. Because of this, Seo Joon had developed the skill to tell when someone was lying, as well as what kind of person they are. Seo Joon knew Ji woo was a good person, from their first meeting he could tell. He also knew that Ji woo was a terrible liar; that was one of the reasons he found their breakup so hard to believe- how could he have been pretending to be in love for a whole year?
Unless he wasn’t pretending.
But it just didn’t make sense, if he felt alone, Ji woo could have talked to him? But then again Ji woo was never the best at communicating how he felt.
Seo Joon frowned in frustration, not being able to wrap his mind on what was going on.
Ji woo could see that the other was conflicted. He wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do. But now was not the time for uncertainty.
“ Seo Joon. I am so fucking sorry.” He rushed forward and wrapped his arms around the other, embracing him.
Seo Joon was stunned.
“ I’m so sorry for pushing you away. And more importantly for not noticing how bad things were getting for you. Im the worst, I can’t imagine how difficult things must have been for you.” Ji woo held the other close. His voice was shaky- and tears were staring to form.
Seo Joon let Ji woo hold him. He was confused, and definitely needed to think about the situation more- but for now, he decided to let Ji woo win for a bit. He hugged him back.
“ You said you feel like I have so many people around me, right? You’re wrong. My parents abandoned me. My fans go between loving me and hating me at the drop of a hat. My only friends technically have to be around me because we work together. I feel lonely a lot too.” Seo Joon admitted. He could feel Ji woo hold him closer.
“ I should’ve noticed that. I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve-“ Seo Joon cut him off.
“ You were there for me. For a time. That year we were together, I truly did feel happy. I could finally be myself with you. I don’t know if you feel the same but I did feel loved.” Seo Joon let his face rest on the other’s shoulder and settled into the embrace. It was oddly comforting, although he had his doubts about Ji woo being honest.
“ I’m gonna make this right. I’m gonna help you get the help you need- and it’s all going to be okay. Okay?” Ji woo didn’t sound confident, he sounded desperate. Like he was begging to god that everything would work out.
“ I honestly don’t think so. How do I know you won’t leave me again? You probably think I’m crazy anyways.” Seo Joon sounded exhausted, like an empty shell of a person. His voice was feeble and quiet.
“ I promise you I won’t leave you.”
Seo Joon gave a hollow laugh. “Remember our promise rings? You said you threw yours off a mountain.”
Ji woo’s eyes darkened with regret recalling the lie he had told.
“ I didn’t. That was a lie. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it so I buried it. Actually on this mountain.”
Seo Joon looked surprised. He pulled a bit out of the embrace to look Ji woo in the eyes.
“ You lie a lot don’t you?” He gave a small laugh. “Okay fine. I’ll believe you, just this once.”
This was a massive gamble. For all Seo Joon knows he could end up locked in a hospital for god knows how long. And maybe Ji woo will leave him again. But to believe someone was going to be by his side, even if it might be a lie, gave him a little comfort.
‘Maybe it will all be okay.’ He thought.