Chapter Text
Jaeyun sighed for the third time tonight, pinunasan ang mga luha niya. He's trying to contain his sobs, dahil ayaw niyang marinig ng boyfriend niya na umiiyak siya.
Umuwi na namang lasing si Heeseung, and for the nth time, hindi na naman siya ang hinanap nito.
Kim Sunoo.
Heeseung is his boyfriend of 2 years, pero tuwing umuuwi itong lasing galing sa inuman nilang magkakaibigan, laging si Kim Sunoo ang hinahanap nito. Noong una, hindi niya alam kung sino si Kim Sunoo at bakit siya hinahanap ng boyfriend niya. He tried to shrug it off because that's probably Heeseung's old friend. Pero tuwing nalalasing na lang si Heeseung, laging si Kim Sunoo ang hinahanap niya. And he got curious. Who is Kim Sunoo? Anong relasyon niya kay Heeseung?
Jake had been wanting to ask Heeseung about Sunoo kasi hindi siya naikwento ni Heeseung kahit kailan. One night, he arrived late in their shared condo, at nadatnan niya si Jay at Heeseung na umiinom. Lalapit na sana siya nang marinig niyang pinag-uusapan nila si Kim Sunoo.
“Nandito na uli siya, Heeseung. Hinahanap ka niya sa'kin nung nagkita kami sa Tim Hortons." kwento ni Jay samantalang nakayuko lang si Heeseung na mahigpit ang hawak sa beer na iniinom niya. Pinili ni Jake na makinig sa usapan nila dahil baka dito na niya malalaman kung sino ba si Kim Sunoo sa buhay ni Heeseung.
“What do you want me to do, Jay? Puntahan siya pagkatapos niya kong iwan for Canada?”
“Atleast show up. Ilang beses ka na niyang hinahanap sa'min ni Jungwon tuwing nagkikita silang dalawa at kasama ako. He wants to know how you are."
“After leaving me abruptly 4 years ago, gusto niya kong makita ulit? Anong kailangan niya?”
“Closure, Heeseung. Give him closure. You guys ended it abruptly sabi mo nga, give yourselves closure. Para maka-move on ka na. Para makalimutan mo na siya,”
“Naka-move on na ko sa kanya, Jay,”
“Really? Then why do you still call his name when you're drunk? Tuwing nag-iinuman tayo, you're reading your past conversations kapag nakainom ka na. I've seen you multiple times trying to compose a message to him.”
Napatakip ng bunganga si Jake nang marinig lahat ng 'yon mula kay Jay. Now he got the answer to his question. He doesn't need to hear that Kim Sunoo is Heeseung's ex. Sapat na siguro lahat ng narinig niya para malaman kung sino si Kim Sunoo sa buhay ng boyfriend niya.
Sunud-sunod na tumulo ang luha ni Jake at pinipigilan niyang humikbi dahil baka marinig siya nila Heeseung. Dahan-dahan siyang naglakad palabas ng unit nila at marahang sinarado ang pinto para hindi siya marinig. Pagkatapos ay tumakbo siya papuntang fire exit at doon inilabas lahat ng luha niya. Nasasaktan si Jake sa nalaman niya dahil hindi manlang sinabi sa kanya ni Heeseung ang tungkol kay Sunoo. Lalo siyang nasaktan nang marinig kay Jay na tuwing nalalasing si Heeseung ay si Kim Sunoo ang nasa isip niya. Binabasa niya pa ang old conversations nila at sinusubukang tumipa ng mensahe para sa kanya. Gaano kamahal ni Heeseung ang binata para hindi niya ito makalimutan agad? Gaano sila katagal para mahirapan si Heeseung na mag-move on?
Jake fished his phone out his pocket, opening his Instagram app to stalk Heeseung's profile. In the entire 2 years of their relationship, hindi sumagi sa isip ni Jake na i-stalk ang account ng boyfriend niya dahil masyado siyang busy sa buhay niya. Ngayon lang niya titignan ang account ng boyfriend niya. He scrolled past his boyfriend's old posts, looking for a specific year. 2018. Hinanap niya ang posts ni Heeseung noong 2018 at nakita niya ang hinahanap.
Heeseung's last post for 2018 was a photo of sunset on a beach. The caption of the photo was, “No matter how beautiful a sunrise is, it is always set to leave at dawn.”
Jake tried to scroll more and there he saw all of Heeseung's posts na may kasamang isang lalaki. He noticed how the guy smiles so bright as if he's the sun personified. Hinalungkat niya pa ang pictures ni Heeseung at umabot siya sa first picture posted in the account. A high school graduation picture of Heeseung and Sunoo. “Happy graduation and first anniversary to me and my first love. Year 2010 - 2011.” The caption said.
Nabitawan ni Jaeyun ang cellphone niya at nanikip ang dibdib sa nabasa. Sunoo was Heeseung's first love, and they lasted for 8 years. 8 fucking years, good lord. Anong laban niya dun?
Hinahampas ni Jake ang dibdib niya dahil sa sobrang sakit. Hindi na siya makahinga kakaiyak. He's mad at himself for being curious. Had he ignored it, hindi siya masasaktan nang ganito.
Kim Sunoo, a lucky person. He must be a great person kaya hindi siya magawang kalimutan ni Heeseung. Sabagay, 8 years ba naman sila. Sino bang makakalimot agad don?
Hindi alam ni Jake ang gagawin niya ngayon. Gusto niya pang malaman ang dahilan kaya hindi siya makalimutan ni Heeseung, pero hindi niya alam kung kaya niya pang marinig 'yon.
He kept crying until his phone rang and the caller ID says it's Jay. Pilit niyang ikinalma ang sarili niya para hindi marinig ni Jay na kakaiyak niya lang.
“Hello?”
[Hello Jae, pauwi ka na ba? Nandito kasi ako sa condo ninyo ngayon, nag-aya kasi ng inuman si Heeseung. Lasing na lasing na rin siya, hinahanap na 'ko ni Won. Malapit ka na ba?”
“Ah, yeah. Malapit na ko. Pwede mo na siyang iwan diyan, ako na lang magbibihis sa kanya.”
[Sigurado ka? Ayos lang naman sa'kin na hintayin ka.]
“Hindi na, Jay. Malapit na rin naman ako. Hinahanap ka na kamo ni Jungwon, umuwi ka na. Baka lalo lang magalit sa'kin yon kasi pinaghintay kita para bantayan si Heeseung. Galit na nga sa'kin yun, dadagdagan ko pa galit niya sa'kin."
[Jaeyun… I'm sorry…]
“Joke lang! Ito naman. Sige na, iwan mo na si Heeseung diyan. Ako nang bahala sa kanya pagdating ko.”
[Sige. Text me when you arrive na.]
“Yup! Sige na uwi na, pababa na ko!”
[Okay, ingat ka.]
Ibinaba ni Jaeyun ang telepono at huminga nang malalim. Naalala niya si Jungwon na ayaw na ayaw sa kanya una pa lang. Hindi niya alam kung bakit, pero mainit na ang dugo sa kanya ng binata una pa lang. At ngayong alam niyang may posibilidad na magkaibigan si Jungwon at Sunoo, saka niya naintindihan lahat. Siguro para kay Jungwon, siya ang sumira ng kwento ni Sunoo at Heeseung.
Isinantabi ni Jaeyun lahat ng tumatakbo sa isip niya at bumalik sa unit nila para asikasuhin si Heeseung. Not now, Jaeyun. He told himself. Kailangan niya munang asikasuhin yung boyfriend niya.
Pagpasok ni Jaeyun sa unit nila ay malinis na ang lugar dahil mukhang nilinis na ito ni Jay. Ibinaba nya ang gamit niya sa sofa at dumiretso sa kwarto nila ni Heeseung. There, he saw his boyfriend peacefully sleeping. Nilapitan siya ni Jaeyun at nakitang nakakunot ang noo nito, tila may iniisip. Naalala na naman ni Jaeyun ang narinig niya kanina, pero pinili niyang isantabi yun at kumuha ng basin at towel para punasan ang nobyo at palitan ng damit.
“Hmm,” Gumalaw si Heeseung nang sinimulan ni Jaeyun na punasan siya. Heeseung kept on shifting his head, tila hindi komportable sa ginagawa ni Jaeyun.
“Love, pinupunasan kita para makapagpalit ka na ng damit. Wag ka muna magulo, okay?” pakiusap ni Jaeyun habang patuloy na pinupunasan si Heeseung. Heeseung started mumbling words and Jake let him dahil ganun naman talaga pag lasing.
“Sun… Sun ko… Sunoo…”
Napatigil si Jake sa pagpupunas kay Heeseung nang marinig ang pangalan ni Sunoo. Kung siguro kagaya ito nung dati na hindi niya kilala kung sino si Sunoo, hindi siya masasaktan ngayon. Masakit pala kapag alam mo na yung totoo, para kang sinasaksak ng isang-milyong kutsilyo. Gustong umiyak ni Jaeyun pero ayaw niyang makita siya ni Heeseung. Kaya pilit niyang pinigilan ang pagtulo ng luha niya.
“Sunoo…” Napatingin si Jake kay Heeseung na idinilat ang mata niya at tumingin sa kanya. Pinipilit nitong bumangon kaya inalalayan siya ni Jake. Heeseung caressed his face and Jaeyun's tears fell because he knew Heeseung mistook him as Sunoo.
“Sun, I miss you…” Pinipigilan ni Jaeyun humikbi habang hinahayaan si Heeseung na haplusin ang pisngi niya. Ayaw niyang sirain ang panaginip ni Heeseung kahit nasasaktan na siya. His boyfriend probably loved Sunoo most for him not to move on quickly. It's been 4 years since they separated, pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin siya makalimutan ni Heeseung.
“Jay told me you're back and looking for me. Did you miss me, Sun? Do you miss us?” Heeseung said that made Jaeyun sob harder. Heeseung also started crying but in his mind, he thought this was Sunoo.
“Hee, love, tulog ka na. Let's talk tomorrow, hmm? Lasing ka na.” Jaeyun tries to tuck him but Heeseung is persistent to talk with him.
“I miss you, Sun. I never forgot you. I never stopped loving you.” Lalong sumikip ang dibdib ni Jaeyun sa narinig. Lord, isa isa lang naman po. Bakit sobrang sakit naman na agad ng binigay ninyo?
Jaeyun hummed as a response. He promised Heeseung they'll talk tomorrow once they woke up and convinced him to go to bed. Heeseung agreed and slept right away once he laid his head on his pillow. Inayos ni Jaeyun ang kumot ni Heeseung at pumuntang cr para itapon ang tubig sa basin.
Napakapit si Jaeyun sa sink ng banyo at tahimik na humagulgol. All this time, Heeseung never loved him. It was Sunoo. It has always been Sunoo. He cried silently and pitied himself for believing that Heeseung saw him as he was. Tangina, rebound lang pala siya.
He covered his mouth to prevent his sobs from coming out. That night, Jaeyun cried out of pity to himself.
———————————
Heeseung woke up feeling lightheaded. Ramdam niya ang hangover dahil naparami siya nang nainom kagabi. He looked at his right side where Jaeyun sleeps but he noticed that Jaeyun's area is neat. Parang hindi siya natulog don kagabi.
Kahit masakit ang ulo niya, lumabas siya ng kwarto nila at naabutan niya si Jaeyun na naghahanda ng lunch niya.
“Love, saan ka natulog kagabi?” tanong ni Heeseung kay Jaeyun na iniiwasan siyang tignan.
“Nakatulog ako dito sa sala. Nanood kasi ako nung movie na nirecommend sakin ng workmate ko, di ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako.” Lies. Jaeyun slept crying in their guest room. Hindi siya tumabi kay Heeseung dahil lalo lang siyang nasasaktan.
“Hmm. Sayang, di na kita naabutan kagabi. Anong oras ka nakauwi?” Heeseung asked while trying to snake his arms on Jaeyun's waist but Jaeyun immediately pulled his arms away and busied himself in preparing Heeseung's food.
“Uh, ano, 20 minutes ata pagkaalis ni Jay. Tumawag kasi siya sa'kin and told me na nag-iinuman nga kayo.” Heeseung nodded and tried to go near Jaeyun again pero lumalayo talaga si Jake sa kanya.
“Love, may problema ba tayo?" Heeseung asked. Napalunok naman si Jake sa tinanong ni Heeseung at agad na umiling.
“Of course, none! Ano ka ba, Hee. I just don't feel well today, masyado akong napagod sa work kahapon." pagpapalusot ni Jaeyun. Heeseung looked like he believed him so he didn't ask further. Hinayaan na lang siya nito na ayusin ang lunch box niya at pumunta sa medicine box nila para maghanap ng gamot for headache.
Jaeyun kept himself busy by doing the household chores while Heeseung, despite feeling lightheaded, prepared to go to office. Tahimik silang kumikilos nang kanya-kanya, at hindi nag-uusap. They only talked when Heeseung called him to fix his tie. Tahimik na lumapit si Jaeyun kay Heeseung at inayos ang tie nito. Heeseung lifted his chin and saw his boyfriend's swollen eyes.
“Did you cry?" Heeseung asked. Jaeyun nodded and said, “Nanood nga kasi ako ng movie kagabi di'ba. It made me cry a lot, kaya ganyan.” Another lie. Hinayaan na lang siya ni Heeseung at pinanood siyang ayusin ang tie niya.
“Nga pala, our office will be on a month's work trip. Isa ako sa mga piniling sumama, so I won't be home for one month. Ikaw muna bahala dito, ha?" Bilin ni Jake kay Heeseung. Heeseung just watched him finished tying his necktie and nodded.
“Saan kayo, love?” tanong ni Heeseung at tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin. Jake watched him fixed himself at ngumiti nang mapait. With all the revelation he learned last night, he was glad he's chosen for this one month work trip. Atleast, he would be given time to think and breathe. Isang buwan lang naman.
And probably that's the worst decision Jake made. Sana pala hindi na lang siya sumama sa 1 month work trip nila. He could've saved their relationship.
Nakatitig ngayon si Jake sa nobyo niyang mahimbing nang natutulog. It's been 2 months since he found out about Sunoo. Pagbalik niya mula sa work trip nila, naramdaman niyang may nag-iba. Heeseung still comes home on time, magkatabi pa rin silang natutulog. Pero nararamdaman ni Jake na tila lumalayo na ito sa kanya. Para bang magkalayo na ang mga puso nila.
Minsan sa umaga, gumigising siya na wala na si Heeseung sa condo niya. Nag-iiwan na lang ito ng note na nauna na siyang umalis dahil may lakad siya. May ilang beses na nakakalimutan na ni Heeseung dalhin ang lunch na inihanda niya sa sobrang pagmamadali. Hindi niya alam bakit, pero siguro dahil may kasabay na si Heeseung kumain tuwing lunch. Mapait na natawa si Jake sa naisip niya.
Jake decided to rest and sleep in the guest room again. Tuwing ganitong umuuwi si Heeseung nang lasing, Jake would sleep in the guest room dahil ayaw niyang marinig si Heeseung na tinatawag si Sunoo. Parang dinudurog ang puso niya pag ganon.
Jake laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He's been keeping all to himself dahil wala naman siyang kaibigan na mapagsasabihan ng mga 'to. Yung nag-iisang kaibigan niya, si Sungchan, nasa Florida at busy sa family business nila. Ayaw niyang istorbohin ang tao para lang pakinggan siyang umiyak dahil kay Heeseung. Si Sunghoon naman, hindi na niya nakausap simula nang maging boyfriend nito si Riki na kaibigan ni Jungwon. Maybe ayaw rin ni Sunghoon magkaroon ng gulo, at naiintindihan niya rin.
Si Papa Taeyong niya…. Naalala niya ang magulang niya na laging pinapaalalahanan siyang alagaan ang sarili niya at laging magtitira para sa sarili niya tuwing magmamahal. Ang papa niya na pinuno ng pagmamahal ng daddy nila.
Inilabas ni Jake ang cellphone niya at sinubukang tawagan ang tatay niya, pero hindi ito sumagot. Siguro, nakatulog na. Nagsend na lang ng message si Jake at pinatay ang telepono.
Sa mga ganitong oras, Jaeyun couldn't help but pity himself for being alone. Walang kaibigan, walang matatakbuhan. Lagi siyang nandyan para maging sandalan ng iba, pero kapag siya na ang may kailangan, wala siyang malapitan. Poor Jaeyun. His boyfriend's friends are not his friends. Maybe Jay would do it. Pero bakit naman niya sasabihin kay Jay 'to, di'ba?
Hindi namalayan ni Jake na tumutulo na pala ang mga luha niya habang narerealize niya na mag-isa nga lang pala siya. Wala nga pala siyang kakampi. Nakakaawa.
And as he succumbed to the sadness, pitying himself for being alone and shouldering the pain of being betrayed by his lover, he didn't notice his phone ringing. Tumatawag si Taehyun, ang katrabaho niyang lagi siyang sinusungitan. Nang marinig ni Jake na tumutunog ang telepono niya ay inabot nya ito at sinagot nang di tinitingnan kung sinong tumatawag.
“Hello?” Jaeyun answered in a hoarse voice.
[Jaeyun Sim- Wait, are you crying?] Napakunot ang noo ni Jaeyun dahil sa boses na narinig niya. Pagtingin nya sa caller ID ay si Taehyun Kang ang nakita niya.
“T-taehyun!” Jaeyun tried to sound fine, kahit obvious na kagagaling lang niya sa pag-iyak.
[You know what? Nevermind. I don't know why you're crying but I'm not heartless to talk about business when you're going through something. Let's talk about this tomorrow.] Sabi ni Taehyun. Nalilito man ay sumang-ayon na lang si Jaeyun. And before Taehyun ends the call, he left words that maybe started a friendship between them.
[Also, kung kailangan mo ng makikinig sa'yo, nandito ako. Lagi man kitang sinusungitan, hindi naman ako ganun kasama para hayaan kang umiyak diyan mag-isa. We're not friends, but you can tell me anything. Yun lang, bye.] And he ended the call. Jaeyun felt relieved after hearing those words. Maybe, just maybe, he's not alone after all.
——————————————
“No offense Jaeyun, pero ang tanga mo.” Taehyun said as he sipped from his coffee. Natawa nang mahina si Jaeyun at hinayaan si Taehyun na laitin siya. Few days ago, hindi mo iisiping makikita mo silang magkakasama sila na hindi trabaho ang usapan. Well, nilapitan siya ni Taehyun during lunch break at akala ni Jaeyun ay tungkol ito sa itinawag niya kagabi. Turns out, Taehyun is really willing to listen. And so, Jaeyun let himself open up to Taehyun. Kinwento niya ang tungkol sa kanila ni Heeseung, at kay Heeseung at Sunoo. Jaeyun tried his best not to cry in front of Taehyun, but Taehyun told him to be vulnerable with him. It's okay, he understands. And Jaeyun cried while sharing everything with Taehyun.
“Unsolicited advice, pwedeng huwag mo nang pakinggan, but let me tell you this.” Jake shifted his focus on Taehyun, maybe trying to get some sense with his new friend. Taehyun has always been brutally honest. Alam niyang masakit ang mga lalabas sa bibig ni Taehyun, but what can hurt him more than this?
“Huwag mo nang patagalin pa paghihirap mo. Ikaw na mismo nagsabi, Heeseung is starting to drift away. Save yourself, Yun. Makipaghiwalay ka na,”
Jaeyun expected this, pero hindi niya magawang sumang-ayon. Why has leaving Heeseung always been for him? Maybe because he's still holding on to a tiny percent that Heeseung still loves him.
But that's pure bullshit. If Hee loves him, he shouldn't have thought of Sunoo anymore.
“I won't say anything further than what I've said. Save yourself from pain as early as you can, Jaeyun. Ayun lang.” Taehyun said before joining Jaeyun's silence. Hindi naman sila ganun ka-close para mag-advice pa siya, pero ayaw niyang hayaan lang si Jaeyun na magpakatanga para kay Heeseung na mahal pa pala ang ex niya.
God, why can't these men forget their ex? Naalala niya tuloy ang ex niya. Choi Beomgyu.
“Tara na, lunch is almost over. Bumalik na tayo sa trabaho.” Tumayo na si Taehyun sa upuan niya at iniligpit ang mga pinagkainan nila. Jaeyun remained sitting on his chair, mind obviously wandering somewhere else.
“Jaeyun!” Taehyun snapped his fingers in front of Jaeyun to get his attention. Jaeyun looked at him cluelessly.
“Come on, may mga trabaho pa tayong naghihintay sa loob. Kalimutan mo muna yung mga iniisip mo.” Taehyun said while cleaning up the table. Tumango lang si Jaeyun at inayos ang damit niya. Pumunta siya sa restroom para maghugas ng kamay saglit at paglabas niya ay nakapaglinis na si Taehyun.
“Let's go back.” ani Taehyun bago naglakad pabalik sa stations nila. Nang madaanan nila ang station ni Jaeyun, Taehyun paused and faced him,
“If you need a friend, just call me. Masungit akong tao pero may puso pa rin ako. I will listen. Anytime.” He said before walking back to his station. Jaeyun smiled unconsciously and took a deep breath before continuing his work.
————————————————
Three months and still, they're in the same setup. At this point, Jaeyun's waiting for Heeseung to at least tell him about Sunoo. Ayaw niyang pangunahan si Heeseung, if Heeseung has still an ounce of respect for him, he would tell Jaeyun about Sunoo.
Jaeyun's scrolling on his phone while lying on their shared bed, reading the Facebook posts of their college friends. He stumbled across a wedding video of one of their college seniors, Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin. He liked the video and congratulated them. Orgmates sila ni Jeno noong 2nd year college siya and he witnessed the love story of Jaemin and Jeno. He would call it the ideal love story, because they had a healthy relationship and their misunderstandings only come once in a blue moon. Kaya siguro hindi na rin nakapagtatakang nagkatuluyan sila. After how many years, finally, sa simbahan din sila napunta.
Narinig ni Jaeyun ang pagbukas ng condo unit nila kaya napatigil siya sa pags-scroll at lumabas ng kwarto nila. Nakita niya si Heeseung na mukhang pagod na. Nilapitan niya ito at kinuha ang bag na hawak niya.
“Kumain ka na?” He asked while watching Heeseung remove his shoes and put them on the shoe rack. Heeseung just shook his head at naglakad papasok ng kwarto nila.
“May gusto ka bang kainin?” tanong niya uli. Heeseung didn't answer as he opened his closet to find comfortable clothes to wear. Jaeyun just watched him change his clothes in front of him, and waited until Heeseung gave him an answer.
“Love…. kakain ka ba?” mahina nitong tanong. Heeseung looked at him and there he noticed the bloodshot eyes of his boyfriend, obviously due to excessive crying. Jaeyun's heart clenched just by thinking what or who could've been the reason behind Heeseung's bloodshot eyes.
“Jae, I'm not in the mood to eat. Can you please leave me alone muna?” Heeseung asked, his tone obviously begging. Pinipigilan ni Jaeyun ang umiyak dahil nasasaktan siya sa ipinapakita ni Heeseung kaya pilit na lang siyang ngumiti at hinayaan ang nobyo mapag-isa. Pagkalabas niya, he took a deep breath and tried to wipe the tears that were threatening to fall.
And for the entire month, ganito ang naging eksena nila ni Heeseung. Heeseung would come home tired, and Jaeyun won't say anything unless Heeseung talks to him.
——————————————————
Jaeyun stared at the calendar displayed in their condo. January 12. In two weeks, third anniversary na nila ni Heeseung. Mapait niyang tinawanan ang sarili niya dahil mukhang siya lang mag-isa ang magc-celebrate nito. Sa lahat ng nangyari sa relasyon nila for the past 6 months, hindi na siya umaasang maaalala pa ni Heeseung ang anniversary nila. Yung birthday niya nga, nakalimutan ng boyfriend niya eh. Tinawanan na naman ni Jaeyun ang sarili nang maalala ang nangyari nung supposedly, birthday dinner nila ni Heeseung. He informed Heeseung in the morning that he reserved them a table in a restaurant at night, to celebrate his birthday with him. Heeseung, of course, said yes. Yet, when Jaeyun was in the restaurant, no signs of Heeseung showed up. By 11:45 PM, he received a call from someone who used his boyfriend's phone, asking him if he could pick up his drunk boyfriend. Nag-inom na naman si Heeseung dahil kay Sunoo. During his birthday. And as the good boyfriend he is, sinundo niya si Heeseung kahit gustong-gusto niya nang magwala dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman niya.
Jaeyun decided na huwag na lang magplano para sa anniversary nila. He doesn't want his efforts to go to waste again. Sayang sa pera. Maybe he could just buy them a cake, or prepare some food. But nothing grand. He's not expecting to celebrate it with Heeseung, anyway.
Has he really come to a point where it's futile to prepare anything for a special occasion that your partner would eventually forget? Siguro tinanggap niya na lang, pero ayaw niyang makipaghiwalay kasi hinihintay niyang mapagod siya. Sinusubukan naman ni Jaeyun na ilaban ang relasyon nila. Pero ano ngang magagawa niya kung si Heeseung na mismo ang lumalayo sa kanya? Ayaw niyang biglang bumitaw. Gusto ni Jaeyun na kapag sumuko siya, aalis siya nang walang pagsisisi, kasi inilaban naman niya.
A week after
Heeseung came home earlier than expected. Nagulat si Jaeyun nang dumating ito na maaliwalas ang mukha at mukhang masaya.
“Love, andyan ka na pala.” bati niya sa nobyo. Heeseung hugged him and kissed his temple, much to his surprise because it's been months since Heeseung did it. Sumakit na naman ang puso niya.
“Hello, love. Ang tagal na nating di nagkikita.” Heeseung said bago humiwalay kay Jaeyun at tinanggal ang sapatos niya. Pinanood lang siya ni Jaeyun at pinigilang sumagot sa sinabi ni Hee. Pilit na lang siyang ngumiti at sumang-ayon sa sinabi nito.
“Bakit ang aga mo ata ngayon? May okasyon ba?” tanong ni Jaeyun. Nginitian lang siya ni Heeseung at iginiya paupo sa couch nila.
“Magpapaalam sana ako sa'yo, love.” ani Heeseung. Hinawakan nito ang kamay ni Jaeyun saka siya tiningnan sa mata.
“May out of town trip kami nila Jay sa La Union next week. Isang linggo kami doon. Magpapaalam sana ako sa'yo, kasi November pa namin ito pinlano and ngayon ko lang naalalang sabihin sa'yo.” Tila pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa si Jaeyun sa narinig. Next week will be their third year anniversary. Nakalimutan na ba talaga ni Heeseung 'yon? Yet still, Jaeyun managed to let out a forced smile and listened to Heeseung despite the throbbing pain in his chest.
“Also, you can join us if you want to come with us. They told me I can bring you. This is going to be a week-long trip in Elyu. Tagal na rin kasi naming hindi nakakagala na magkakaibigan.” Jaeyun contemplated whether he will join them or not. Nasasaktan pa rin siya na nagawa ni Heeseung magplano ng out of town trip with his friends last November, pero yung birthday niya hindi niya naalala. Ngayon, pupunta pa siya ng La Union next week, sakto sa third year anniversary nila. Lee Heeseung, ang galing mong manakit.
Jaeyun tried to suppress his tears dahil ayaw niyang umiyak sa harap ni Heeseung. Come on, Jake. You've endured this for 6 months.
Tiningnan ni Jaeyun ang mukha ni Heeseung na tila kinakabisa ito. In his head, he's thinking of giving up dahil hindi niya na kaya lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya. He looked at Heeseung as if he's trying to capture every single feature of him so he wouldn't forget. He bit his lips, forcing out a smile para hindi nito mahalatang nasasaktan na siya.
“How long will it be again?” He asked in a small voice. He tried his best para hindi siya pumiyok, dahil hindi ito ang tamang oras para umiyak na naman siya.
“A week, love. Isang linggo lang,” Heeseung answered enthusiastically. Ayaw niyang pumayag dahil alam niyang pagkatapos ng trip na yun, tapos na rin ang kanila ni Heeseung. Yet, ayaw niyang pigilan si Heeseung na makasama ang mga kaibigan niya lalo't matagal na pala nilang pinlano ito. Jaeyun sighed deeply and tried to collect his thoughts.
Jaeyun nodded his head and smiled, causing Heeseung to smile wider and hugged him due to happiness.
“Thank you, love. Naeexcite ako sa Elyu trip na 'to because it's been years,” ani Heeseung at mas lalong hinigpitan ang yakap kay Jaeyun. Jaeyun can't help but pity himself again for feeling hurt.
“You can come with me, okay? Sumama ka na lang kaya? I'm sure you will enjoy there,” dagdag ni Heeseung pero umiling na si Jaeyun. Bumitaw si Jaeyun sa pagkakayakap at hinawakan ang kamay ni Heeseung.
“Hindi na ko sasama. Sabi mo nga, ilang taon na simula nung huli kayong bumyahe na magkakasama. I want you to enjoy that trip with them,” sabi niya at patuloy lang na nginitian si Heeseung. Heeseung just nodded his head and kissed his knuckles. Jaeyun stared at Heeseung's happy figure and accepted that this may be the last time he'd see him happy.
Jaeyun made up his mind. Titigil na siya, isusuko na niya si Heeseung. Hindi na niya ipipilit pa sa sarili niya na baka may pag-asa pa dahil matagal na silang natapos. Ibabalik na niya si Heeseung kay Sunoo.
That night, Jaeyun planned his departure all in his head. Pagkaalis ni Heeseung for Elyu, aayusin na niya ang gamit niya dahil aalis na siya dito sa shared condo nila. Pero sisimulan na niyang iempake yung mga gamit niya sa umaga pag wala na si Heeseung, para next week ay maglilipat na lang siya. He decided to just give it up and let Heeseung and Sunoo be happy together. Tama na siguro ang 2 years and 6 months.
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Night before La Union trip
Jaeyun watched Heeseung finished packing all his things na dadalhin niya sa La Union. Sumisikip na naman ang dibdib niya dahil hindi lang si Heeseung ang aalis ngayong gabi, pati siya, iiwan na ang lugar na minsang pinagsaluhan nila ng magagandang alaala.
“Wala na ba kong nakalimutan?” tanong ni Heeseung sa sarili at tiningnan ang mga gamit niyang maayos nang nakalagay sa mga bag na dala niya. He looked at Jaeyun who's staring at him, his expression seemed troubled. Nilapitan ni Heeseung ang nobyo at niyakap ito.
For the past 6 months, he let himself feel confused about his feelings. Naguluhan siya kung si Sunoo pa rin ba ang mahal niya o si Jaeyun na talaga. Kaya siya pumayag na sumama sa Elyu trip nilang magkakaibigan kahit na alam niyang kasama si Sunoo, dahil gusto niyang bigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili niya na magkaroon ng sagot sa lahat ng tanong.
Heeseung hugged Jaeyun tightly, whispering in his head, “Pagbalik ko, may sagot na ko. At sana, ikaw ang piliin ko,”
Jaeyun hugged him back and buried his face on Heeseung's neck. For the last time, Jaeyun thought.
They hugged that night, for two possible reasons: hello or goodbye.
——————————————
Three months in Australia and Jaeyun feels homesick again. Kahit dito naman siya pinanganak at lumaki, hindi niya mapigilang mamiss ang Pilipinas.
Tatlong buwan na siyang nags-stay dito, tatlong buwan na rin simula nang iwan niya ang Pilipinas at nakipaghiwalay kay Heeseung.
He left their shared condo silently, nag-iwan lamang siya ng sulat para sa kasintahan at umalis ng bansa nang hindi nagpapaalam. He thought this may be the best thing to do: leave everyone silently. Itinapon na rin niya ang sim card niya at dineactivate lahat ng social media accounts niya. Pinutol na niya lahat ng koneksyon niya kay Heeseung, ayaw na niyang makatanggap ng kahit anong balita tungkol sa kanya.
Si Taehyun na lang ang tanging may contact kay Jaeyun sa Pilipinas. Pero hindi naman siya kilala ni Heeseung, kaya kampante si Jaeyun na hindi siya mahahanap nito.
May mga pagkakataon na nat-tempt siyang i-stalk ito gamit ang new Facebook account niya, pero mas pinili niyang mag-move on na kaya hindi niya ito ginagawa. Heeseung and Sunoo are probably back together, anyway.
Kasama niya rin ngayon dito si Sungchan, his only bestfriend. Nagbabakasyon si Sungchan dito sa Australia simula nang malaman niyang umuwi na si Jake dito. Sungchan never asked why Jaeyun came back, but he knew Jake may have broken up with his then boyfriend.
Heeseung, on the other hand, lives in a new condo. Nang makabalik siya from their Elyu trip at nadatnan niyang wala na si Jaeyun doon, naisipan din niyang umalis na lang. Hindi niya kayang manatili sa lugar na puno ng alaala nila ni Jaeyun, at puno rin ng imahe ni Jaeyun na umiiyak dahil sa lahat ng sakit na idinulot nito sa kanya. Heeseung felt guilty, for a lot of reasons. He can't find any reason to be happy, when his boyfriend of 2 years never said anything kahit alam na niya ang tungkol kay Sunoo. Lalong sumikip ang dibdib niya tuwing maaalala that Jaeyun endured everything, pinilit niyang ngumiti sa harap ni Heeseung kahit masakit na. Hindi niya ipinakita kahit kailan na nasasaktan siya, kaya doble ang sakit kay Heeseung dahil ang bait ni Jaeyun pero ginago niya. Now, he may have made it clear to himself na wala na siyang nararamdaman para kay Sunoo, pero mukhang wala na ring pag-asang balikan siya ni Jaeyun.
Heeseung looked at the paper na nakapatong sa mesa niya. Jaeyun's farewell letter. Basang-basa na naman ito dahil sa mga luha niya, at burado na rin ang ilang salita dahil nababasa tuwing binabasa niya. Pero kahit marami sa mga ito ang burado na, Heeseung holds it dearly as he remembers every word written in this letter. Because it reminds him of how pure Jaeyun is, that until the end, Jaeyun remained kind and forgiving. He will never forgive himself for hurting someone like Jaeyun, someone who did nothing but love him wholeheartedly.
And now, Heeseung reads the letter again. To remind himself of what he lost, and what he will not have again. Sabi nga ni Sunghoon sa kanya, Jaeyun will be able to find someone who will he love the way he loved him, but Heeseung will never find another Jaeyun again.
For the nth time, Heeseung read its content.
Heeseung, my love,
By the time you're reading this, I've probably left our condo together with my things. I know naguguluhan ka. And I'm sorry for not telling you anything. Pero sabi ko naman sa'yo di'ba, lahat ng gagawin ko, para yun sa kasiyahan mo. Mahal kita Heeseung at lagi kong uunahin ang kasiyahan mo.
Heeseung, mahal ko, I'm ending everything between us. I looked coward for doing it by writing this letter, but I can't find my courage to tell you upfront. Hindi ko kayang makipaghiwalay sa'yo, pero hindi ko rin kayang panoorin kang pinipigilan ang sarili mo na magmahal dahil nakatali ka sa'kin. That's why I'm letting you go.
Be happy, my love. I know you still love Sunoo. I know it has always been him. So choose him again. Ipaglaban mo uli ang pagmamahalan ninyo. Kasi yun yung deserve ninyo.
Don't look for me, okay? I'll be fine. Nakaya ko ngang iwan ka, kakayanin ko ring mabuhay kahit wala ka na sa'kin. It will take me time, but I know I'd be able to do it. Don't worry about me, hmm?
I know you feel apologetic right now, and I'd tell you not to. You must be feeling guilty for not telling me sooner. You must be feeling bad because you've hurt me. But I'd tell you that it's okay. Mahal kita, Heeseung. At kasama sa pagmamahal ko sa'yo ay ang pagtanggap sa lahat ng sakit na maaari kong makuha. Inilaban naman natin, di'ba? Sinubukan naman natin, hindi lang talaga ako yung laman ng puso mo.
Hindi ako galit sa'yo o kahit kanino man. Naiintindihan ko, Heeseung. Kaya wag ka nang mag-sorry. Naiintindihan kita.
This letter is getting long, magpapaalam lang naman ako sa'yo. Choose where your happiness lies. Huwag mo nang lokohin ang sarili mo dahil alam naman nating siya pa rin. Huwag mo na rin akong hanapin, dahil ayos lang ako. Nagpapasalamat din ako sa'yo dahil binigyan mo ko ng dalawang taon para makasama ka. It was a short period of time, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Habambuhay kong dadalhin ang pag-ibig natin sa isa't isa, Lee Heeseung.
At sana, sa susunod na pagkakataon na magkikita tayo, our hearts would still connect. Not as lovers, but as people who once shared beautiful memories. We may not be each other's endgame, it was nice being part of your story. Maybe I am just like any character, I am meant to be included in your story, but I was never meant to stay until the end.
Until the next time our hearts meet again, Heeseung. Mahal kita, mahal ko.
Nagmamahal,
Jaeyun