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One year.
It’s been one year since those goddamn scars first appeared on her face.
Asa Mitaka stares at herself in the mirror. She runs a finger over the three gashes that line her cheek.
She’s still not quite used to being in control of her own body while the scars are present.
She’s not used to her eyes being yellow spirals while she’s in control, either.
The War Devil’s not spoken in at least a few days. She doesn’t remember Nayuta having anything to do with that. Perhaps it’s just gone off to sulk, enraged by how a prepubescent girl sealed it away in the mind of a person who is hell-bent on never achieving its goals.
She’s honestly a bit surprised that it can still have the heart to kill Chainsaw Man; after getting beat down by him so many times, and after having been forced to talk to him for so long, she thought it would have been discouraged and/or had a change of heart. God knows the latter happened to her. But the War Devil never saw the charm in Denji to begin with, and it’s not like one of the Four Horsemen would roll over and die without putting up a fight, so she supposes it checks out.
She moves to leave the bathroom. She’s slept over at Denji’s apartment again, and has more or less spent the entire day lounging around here.
One of the seven dogs that live with him is sitting right outside the door.
He’s never explained where he got the dogs from, and it seems like he shies away from the topic. Just like how he shies away from explaining how Nayuta became the Control Devil, or how on Earth he could even afford the apartment. Asa’s got a hunch that those things are related to a certain name in Makima that he mentions every now and then, and the way the War Devil’s suddenly started screaming at her just for thinking about it certainly implies as such.
But it’s his story to tell, and it seems like it’s not one he’s particularly comfortable with sharing. That’s okay. She can wait. It’s not like the ghost in her mind is in any state to tell a story.
Nayuta’s sitting on the couch. She perks up when Asa enters the room. There’s a bowl of toast slices on the floor next to her, and a cartoon is playing on the TV.
The little girl picks up one of the slices from the bowl, and extends the hand holding it towards Asa. “Bread?”
The War Devil’s screaming not to take it. She takes it.
She sits down next to Nayuta, and gives her a quizzical, stoic stare. “Where’s Denji?”
The Control Devil returns the look in kind. “Went to get more bread. And chocolate dip.”
Figures. He must have eaten what they had stored already. Dork.
They sit in silence for a bit, watching the cartoon. There’s… a large furry creature, and two young girls playing in a forest.
“Denji thought there would be dogs. He was wrong.”
That checks out. Although to be fair, it’s not the worst guess in the world.
Asa lays her head down on the side of the couch. She’s finished her calculus homework, and her boytoy isn’t here right now to struggle over basic arithmetic and desperately ask for her help, so she supposes she can rest her eyes.
---
“I’m home!”
Denji is many things, but he’s not subtle.
Honestly, finding a good loaf of bread and a jar of Nutella shouldn’t have been that hard, but he has always been a bit of a dumbass. Although… the fact that the closest grocery store was out of both can’t have been his fault!
He puts his loot down on the table. Nayuta’s sitting on the couch. She turns to stare at him. “The movie didn’t have any dogs in it.”
Oh. “Well, lucky for you, I got another movie. This one has dogs for sure!”
She smiles, or whatever the equivalent of that is for Nayuta. He’ll take that as a win.
Meanwhile, Asa is asleep on the couch next to Nayuta. He goes over and… pokes her nose.
She wakes with a startle. “Huh?!”
Mission accomplished. He gives her a cheeky grin.
She just stares at him, unimpressed.
“I got you chocolate.”
She raises an eyebrow. Her scars kinda make her look hot- uh I mean um- “Are you trying to bribe me?”
Focus, Denji. Focus. You haven’t gone through a long life of trauma and hardship just to devolve into old mindsets.
Not that that’s truly been a problem for awhile, anyways. “Perhaps.”
She snorts. “I suppose I’ll accept it. Though, wouldn’t this have been intended for Nayuta first?”
“Yeah, what about it?” It’s not like he won’t take pride in putting his adopted sister first.
A sly smirk appears on Asa’s face. “Buying a treat for someone else, only to repurpose it as a bribe… and a treat you’re taking away from your own family.” The smirk grows wider, although it’s obvious that it’s good-natured. “How deplorable.”
Denji knows it’s all good fun, but he can’t stop himself from scrambling for an excuse. “Hey! I mean- uh- there’s enough for both of us- I mean, all three of us- oh crap that sounds selfish, doesn’t it- argh, just take the freaking chocolate!” He grabs the jar of Nutella from the table and shoves it into Asa’s lap.
She once again stares at him, unimpressed. “And what, exactly, do you expect me to do with this?”
Oh, that’s easy. “Eat it.”
Silence ensues, only interrupted by Nayuta’s crunch as she bites down on the last piece of toast that was left in the bowl.
At that point, Denji can’t hold a laugh back anymore, and even Asa’s chuckling. “Alright, I better toast the bread. That little menace won’t like it if I keep her waiting.”
They spend the night watching the movie he rented. It’s actually a TV show about a boy who meets a big dog falsely accused of attacking other people in his village. They escape and try to elude the police along with the boy’s other, smaller dog.
Nayuta quite enjoys having dogs on the screen.
Denji’s into basically any kids’ show. The innocence appeals to him.
And Asa… well, after what she’s gone through, she’s gained a new appreciation both for her own life, and the opportunity to just be around others.
---
“You okay?”
It’s nighttime now.
“...Ya know, it always surprises me when you outwardly show anything that comes close to affection. Even though I should know better by now.”
The dogs have been fed, the dishes have been washed.
“I do try. And… you’re Denji. Knowing better is not your forte, to say the least.”
A nice, relaxing bath has been taken by both members of the conversation.
“Harsh.”
Though not at the same time. They’re not quite ready for that yet.
“As I just said, I do try. Also, answer the question.”
Nayuta’s asleep next to Denji.
“Why are you asking?”
She’s hugging his waist.
“You’re still avoiding the question. That’s at least a bit suspicious.”
Turning to face Asa was a bit of a struggle for him.
“Answer mine and I’ll answer yours.”
He stares into her eyes.
“You’ve been… a bit subdued, lately.”
In the darkness, the details are hard to pick up, but he knows he’s looking at beauty nonetheless.
“I’m surprised you can tell.”
He doesn’t dare touch her.
“I’m flattered.”
He doesn’t know how to feel about that.
“Well… I dunno. I guess I’ve had a lot on your mind.”
He doesn’t know why, either.
“Impressive, coming from you.”
(He does.)
“Harsh.”
(He doesn’t want to admit it to himself.)
“But true.”
He can tell she’s smirking at him.
“I guess.”
That’s… one way to wipe the smirk off her face.
“Tell me some of what’s on your mind.”
Where to start?
“I don’t think I’ve told you the full story of where Nayuta came from, have I?”
He knows exactly why he hasn’t.
“You haven’t.”
There were two reasons; with the strategic one gone, leaves the emotional one.
“Honestly, I still don’t think I can tell all of it. I don’t know what to make of it.”
Trauma is a struggle.
“That’s okay.”
He’s not sure if he’ll ever figure it all out.
“Makima was…”
That’s okay.
“Mmm?”
Asa shuffles around under the blanket. She knows the name; knows it doesn’t mean anything good.
“Kishibe said she was abusive. Looking back at what happened, he was probably right.”
Asa’s silent, now.
“She emotionally manipulated me. I can admit that now.”
A brush of feeling on his hand.
“I still love her, but I can see that she cultivated that feeling in me, to manipulate me. It worked. It was also her downfall.”
Asa takes his hand in hers.
“Yoshiba said that’s okay. I’m not sure if it is, but at least my feelings are valid. He said that was important, too.”
Denji feels… content, with that.
“I… miss her.”
He doesn’t think he’ll ever feel content with that feeling, but he’s come to terms with it.
“I miss Power. I miss Aki.”
The way Denji talks about those two… Asa can only hope that one day, he can talk about her in the same way.
“I miss Kishibe. I miss Reze. I miss Himeno.”
Denji knows, intellectually, that he’s gone through a lot.
“I miss Yoshida. I miss Kobeni.”
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“It’s… it’s not your fault.”
That was a lot less convincing than he meant it to be.
“I’m sorry. Fuck, even I can’t convince myself. I’m terrible at this. I’m sorry.”
This… might not end well.
“Don’t apologize.”
She squeezes his hand.
“But I really am sorry. You didn’t exactly do it of your own will. Just because my stupid fucking brain can’t get it through my head, doesn’t mean it’s not true.”
He squeezes his eyelids.
“But it is my fault. If… if I h-hadn’t made that stupid deal-”
“No. You don’t get to regret staying alive.”
“I know, I know, b-but I can’t help but-”
“Don’t go down that train of thought. Please. For my own sake, at least.”
“...Okay.”
“You went through some dark shit. You got fucking murdered, and then possessed, and then forced to kill innocents against your will. The fact that you haven’t shattered completely is a testament to your strength. So don’t go getting down on yourself, or I swear will break something.”
“...Okay.”
“Holy shit that was dark. I didn’t mean to go that way, but-”
“If you need to talk about something that’s troubling you, bottling it up won’t do any good.”
“Yeah, you’re right, but still. I didn’t mean to get you down, either.”
“...It probably will not be the last time. There’s a lot that we need to sort out.”
“...Yeah.”
He notices that the squeeze has turned into a death grip.
“I don’t think we’re okay. I don’t think anyone could be, after what we’ve both gone through. These kinds of wounds take time to heal. So let them.”
“When did you get so philosophical?”
“I need something to think about while you’re goofing off.”
“Harsh.”
“But true.”
He puts an arm around her shoulder.
“Honestly, a small part of me is still afraid of you. It’s stupid. But I can’t get rid of it.”
She returns the favour.
“That’s okay. I can say I’m fully over my anger, but I can’t lie and say I’m over my fear.”
“But you beating yourself up over it is not okay. So don’t.”
“...Okay.”
“Remember, I’m the one who’s still got the devil powers, so I can enforce that.”
“As if you would.”
“True.”
“I understand, though. It’s just… tough. I don’t know if I will ever get over the guilt.”
“Being forced to kill against your will does that.”
“But… like you said. I can’t get rid of it. So I’ll learn to live with it, and the pain will lessen over time. Or something like that.”
“I guess that’s the best we can hope for, eh?”
“I suppose so.”
She inches her face closer to his.
“And honestly… I’m still apprehensive over this whole relationship thing. After realizing that Makima damaged me, and taking a good hard look at what my interactions with women have been like over these past few years…”
“I get it. From what you’ve said, a lot of them have tried to harm you in one way or another, and the ones who didn’t died horribly. That’s not something that can be washed away just like that.”
“So… I dunno. I’m afraid that this won’t work out. That I can’t get over what’s happened in the past.”
“That’s okay. Take your time.”
“And I’m still afraid that… you’ll hurt me.”
“I think that… even if devils weren’t a thing, that would still be a normal fear to have.”
“I guess.”
“So… don’t worry about it. Focus on the present. Live your life as best as you can. And if you think it would be healthier for yourself to separate that… I can’t say that I would be happy, but I understand. I’ve been alone for all my life before now, I can survive that. We will still be friends. The option is always there.”
She can feel his breath on her cheek.
“I…”
“Do what is best for yourself.”
“...Yeah. I wouldn’t leave you like that, though. But I’ve been trying to get better.”
“You’re broken. We’re broken. We need time to heal the wounds. But the pain will recede with that time.”
She’s crying. Through the tears, she can see that he is, too.
“I guess we just have to wait.”
She hugs him even tighter.
“We have eternity. We can wait.”
---
In the morning, Nayuta heads off to school.
Denji struggles with factoring, again.
Asa falls asleep in history class. That’s new.
All is not quite well, but it’s improving. Once you’ve hit rock bottom, that’s really all you can ask for.
Not perfect. Not all well. Just… getting better.
Moving on.
Moving forwards.
Maybe one day Asa will yearn for more than that, but for now? After her life has been torn apart the way it has, after she’s faced certain death and been possessed by a devil, and her expectations on even surviving, let alone her happiness, have been lowered so much?
She’ll take it.