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Toge always had a complicated relationship with his seals.
When he was younger he used to poke and prod them, stuffing his tiny finger against his fat cheeks and watching his skin dip under the weight. Each time the seals squished against his hand like they were just another part of him.
They were just another part of him, but over time Toge lost that sentiment. He desperately wanted to gain it back.
He wanted to go back to how he was when he was small and naive about just how much those marks would dictate his entire life. Not only did they rob him of his speech and family’s love, but they made him the clan's scapegoat the moment he was born.
No one expected another child with the cursed seals to be born. The clan had long fallen; they were ostracized and depleting. Their policy was to ensure the cursed speech technique died with them, but then Toge was born and everything they’d carefully repaired came crumbling down.
Sometimes it was hard for Toge to comprehend. The possibility of their second downfall hinged on a tiny baby, swaddled in a warm blanket and sleeping in his mother’s arms. Three dark marks on his flesh branded him as an obstacle, even back when he couldn’t make any noise other than loud cries.
Toge thought the clan must’ve been weaker than they’d admit if their enemy was a young boy with the same Inumaki family blood running through his veins. Even though he shared their name, he was never an equal.
After all, a child with the seals was a child marked for carrying their burdens.
Ever since Toge could remember, those around him told him not to speak. They reminded him that there was something wrong with him; that the accidents he’d made cursing his normal cousins, his good cousins, was only proof that he was dangerous.
They told him, “you bear the weight of your ancestor’s sins”, so whatever bad things happened to him was probably deserved. If he were born without markings on his face he could have also been free of guilt, but instead his very existence was a curse.
He used his cursed speech for good, unlike the ancestors he had suffered for. He fought curses to protect those who couldn’t and he found a new home within his friends, but he still preferred to cover his seals for the sake of his own sanity.
He didn’t like looking at them. He didn’t like thinking about them. He didn’t like knowing they were there.
Most of all, he hated people touching them.
Toge didn’t want to hate it though. It was a weakness, and he couldn’t shake the voice whispering to him that it was pathetic. A mere brush of someone’s fingertips against one of the snake eyes left him shaking, giving the power right back to his oppressors even after they’d already let go.
He desperately wished he could indulge Yuuta in the feeling of his seals. He could imagine the romance of it, of Yuuta caressing his seals with loving strokes and quick kisses.
Toge wanted to share that with him, but he just wasn’t strong enough. Besides, he couldn’t lie to himself and ignore the many years where his face had been touched by seemingly everyone, gawked at like a zoo animal. He wished Yuuta was the only one to admire him, but people are greedy and they always wanted to feel the power sizzle under their eager fingertips like it was theirs.
Toge felt the way Yuuta’s fingers always twitched when they kissed, his hands remaining firmly on the established safe spot lightly holding Toge’s chin. He was too kind to ever grab Toge where he knew he shouldn’t even graze, but Toge knew he was curious.
Yuuta learned not to touch Toge’s seals during their first date. Sweet, sentimental Yuuta had reached forward and brushed them with his thumbs, only to feel cold air under his touch as Toge jerked backwards and immediately broke their kiss.
Toge couldn’t breathe, he had practically gagged as he tried to remember where he was and who was touching him.
Yuuta was safe, Toge knew that…but his body didn’t seem to get the memo. Yuuta never blamed him, he never insinuated that it was something Toge had to fix, but Toge still wanted to try.
He wanted to feel Yuuta’s touch against his cheek and associate it with something good.
He wanted to think of his seals as just another thing to admire, and not in the disgusting way his clan had looked at him. He didn’t want to be treated like a priceless artifact in a museum, immediately discarded once the shine wore off.
He wished he never learned to separate himself from the marks. He wanted to love his seals because it was the best way to spite those who only wanted him to hate himself.
Toge wanted to feel good about himself and he was finally reaching a place where he felt he deserved that. He thrived once away from his oppressive clan. It was amazing how much a person could flourish once they were treated like an actual human being. He bloomed like the flowers he planted in the garden, and Toge was determined to only grow brighter.
Despite his resolve, Toge was still shaking slightly as he raised his hand up to Yuuta’s door and knocked.
It wasn’t unusual for him to come to Yuuta’s room at random hoursーin fact he usually enjoyed spending the evening in Yuuta’s room ever since Yuuta returned from abroadーbut it was unusual for him to look so undeniably meek.
He could feel his hands trembling as he lowered his fist back to his side and his knees felt weak even while he stood perfectly still. His face was covered but he knew it wouldn’t be for long, and the reminder of what was about to happen sent another fresh wave of nerves racing through his veins.
Toge ripped off the face mask as the sound of Yuuta’s footsteps grew closer, haphazardly shoving the garment in his pocket. It was best to rip the bandaid off; to remove his shield quickly before he could overthink any nonexistent strikes barreling towards him.
Yuuta opened the door and immediately lit up at the sight of Toge. He blinked as he observed the scene in front of him, his grin faltering slightly as he processed Toge’s weak smile back.
He snagged Toge’s hand and pulled him inside, shutting the door with a click while Toge tried to regain his balance like a newborn deer.
“What’s wrong?” Yuuta asked, his voice unbearably soft.
Toge shook his head. “Okaka.”
Yuuta narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. He was wearing his big striped shirt that Toge loved the feel of, so Toge’s eyes honed in on the sight to give himself something to focus on. His eyes zig zagged between the stripes, following them like a roadmap.
Toge twisted his hands in front of him for a moment before drawing a nervous inhale and lifting his hands to sign. ‘I want you to touch my face.’
Yuuta blinked. “Um, okay?” he said hesitantly.
Toge held his breath and waited for the fallーhis stomach already dropping like he tipped off a cliffーuntil he felt Yuuta’s hands settle against his ears. Yuuta’s fingers tangled in Toge’s hair as he playfully squeezed Toge’s head between his palms.
Toge shook his head and Yuuta’s hands dropped immediately as another worried expression took over his face.
“Okaka,” Toge said, adding, ‘ I meant my seals.’
Yuuta’s eyes widened as his eyebrows pulled into a small frown. His voice was dripping with concern and hesitation as he asked, “Your seals?”
Toge nodded, not trusting his voice. He knew it would be hoarse and he didn’t want to give Yuuta more reason to hold back.
Besides, it was always best to stay silent when his seals were involved.
“Why?” Yuuta asked.
Toge’s shoulders dropped in relief. He was prepared for Yuuta to fight, to tell him that it was a terrible idea that he wouldn’t take part in, but Toge should’ve known better. Yuuta only looked at him with genuine interest and asked why he had the change of heart, because Yuuta knew that Toge wouldn’t make such a rash decision if he wasn’t serious about it.
Toge still had to answer carefully though. He knew better than to simply say “I want to get over it”, and he didn’t want to imply only Yuuta’s desires mattered by answering, “I want to share this with you”.
Instead he raised his hands and signed, ‘ They’re mine and I want them to feel like it.’
Yuuta smiled slightly at that, and gave a short nod before snagging Toge’s hand and leading him to the bed. They sat opposite each other, gazing in silence.
Yuuta blinked his big blue eyes in concern, his hesitation obvious as every second passed. The silence made Toge squirm, suddenly feeling the intense spotlight of Yuuta’s inspection warm his skin until it was flushed pink.
Yuuta knew it was a big ask. Afterall, Toge had a lot of negative associations with people touching his seals.
First, there was pain.
One of Toge’s earliest memories of touch was when someone stabbed a needle through his cheek. They thought if they pierced the seal “right on the bullseye” then maybe his cursed speech would fail to develop properly. At the very least, maybe damaging the seals would weaken it.
It didn’t work. The curse went deeper than a mere inch of flesh. Over time Toge learned they could be scratched, stabbed, and even burned… but the marks always lurked underneath. Each time the injury healed remarkably quickly, not even leaving behind a scar to show for his suffering.
Then there was the admiration, which didn’t hurt him physically, but made his chest ache in a way so intense the room would spin.
Distant family, clan leaders, and unfamiliar visiting sorcerers would grab his chin and pull him closer, rubbing their deathly cold hands all over his face with greedy smiles. They wanted to feel the power of cursed speech under their hold; they wanted to see how Toge’s skin was vulnerable enough to squish under their tight squeeze. If they held long enough it even flushed pink from the impact, a fact that many took advantage of just for the reminder that Toge was flesh and blood just like them. He may have been a powerful circus animal, but he was still weak enough to bleed from their sharpened fingernails.
He suspected they liked the control. They liked reminding him of his place.
He knew they also found the seals alluring, and that was somehow the worst reason of them all.
It was obvious he was nothing but seals to them. No one would dare yank open a person’s mouth and pull out their tongue to gawk at, but they were willing to do that to a curse.
Toge could trust Yuuta though. Yuuta always looked into his eyesー the ones blinking back at him, not the snake eyes on his cheeks. He treated Toge with care and he always had. Toge knew he would be gentle and understanding if it became too much.
“Do you want to right now?” Yuuta asked, breaking the silence.
Toge bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. It was obvious that it was the reason he came, but neither of them acknowledged it. They both knew the power that this action had; the way Toge’s reaction could either set him back or push him forward.
“Okay,” Yuuta said quietly.
He shifted in his seat, scooting closer until their knees bumped. Yuuta let out a small giggle at the feeling, and it made Toge hyper-aware of the stifling silence settled between them.
He was about to ask if they should turn on some music or a showーsomething as a distractionーbut Yuuta snagged his hand before he could.
He watched with wide eyes as Yuuta pressed a small kiss to the center of Toge’s hand, keeping his lips puckered against the skin for a sweet moment of peace. His lips made a small smacking sound as he delivered his kiss, ringing through the room like a bell. Just as carefully as he had grabbed Toge’s hand to begin with, he placed Toge’s hand back to its original place on the bed.
Toge swallowed dryly. He didn’t need music anymore, he could hear a calming melody in his head as he replayed the kiss in his mind.
Yuuta took a deep breath, steeling himself as Toge did the same. Their eyes met and the tension broke, Yuuta grinning nervously like he did everytime they faced a difficult task. The image relaxed Toge a little bit, reminding himself that he’d survived much worse than a loving touch from his boyfriend.
Yuuta raised his hands and reached for Toge’s face once and for all. His movements were as if through syrup, slow and hesitant as Yuuta braved the space between them.
Yuuta’s hand paused, hovering over Toge’s skin as he stared into Toge’s eyes seriously. “You’re absolutely sure?” Yuuta asked again, and Toge could only nod.
They both let out a gasp when Yuuta lowered his hands and settled against Toge’s cheeks fully, his thumbs just barely brushing Toge’s seals.
Toge wasn’t sure why Yuuta was choked up too, but it made him feel less alone. They both took a moment to breathe, and Yuuta only moved when Toge gave a small nod for him to continue. He could feel sparks everywhere Yuuta’s hands rested; thumbs near the seals and hands splayed out on the rest of his face.
Toge could feel a brush of Yuuta’s shaky exhale as he stared into Toge’s eyesーhis own eyes still crinkled with a tiny smile.
Yuuta’s thumbs carefully inched closer until they completely covered the seals. Toge closed his eyes once Yuuta was done moving, trying to catalog the feeling of something pressed against his skin. He hadn’t felt a touch like that in years, and it was hard to shake the memory of the last excitedly flushed face he’d tried his best to blur out when a clan member had touched him before he left for good with Gojo.
Toge’s breathing remained steady, and when he blinked his eyes back open, Yuuta was studying him closely. Whatever he found hidden in Toge’s eyes must have been reassuring, because he boldly rubbed a small circle against his sealsーjust like he’d done the first time they kissed before Toge had immediately pulled away.
Toge hoped this moment would make up for the last experience. He knew Yuuta wouldn’t see it as anything that needed to be amended though. He could enjoy the moment with Toge without needing to compare it to past moments.
Yuuta released a slow breath, which fanned against Toge’s face again in their close proximity. While before it had a light graze, now it grew into a small breeze touching Toge’s cheeks. It seemed they had both unconsciously moved closer as the intensity grew between them.
Toge could smell Yuuta’s minty toothpaste and the realization grounded him, placing him safely in the dorms with the company of someone who would never hurt him.
Each time Yuuta shifted his hold, daring to move his other fingers against the seal as he lightly brushed it, Toge felt pure electricity. Yuuta’s hands moved like magnets, never fully pulling away from Toge’s untouched skin available for exploration.
Yuuta touched him like he was something precious. He traced the snake eyes carefully, his eyes flickering between the marks before meeting Toge’s heavy gaze to stop at the first sign of genuine discomfort.
Toge’s stomach was full of butterflies and his hands were uncomfortably clammy as he kept them locked against his sides, but he was okay. The touch was uncomfortable but not unbearable, and he was able to appreciate Yuuta’s curious eyes sparkling as his hands traveled slowly.
Yuuta had once called Toge’s lips addicting, and Toge wondered if that’s how he felt about this touch too. He loved appreciating Toge and this was a new area to explore; an already touched but still unstudied ground full of trauma that they wanted to rewrite together.
Toge could feel the swirl of Yuuta’s fingerprints as his hands pressed against his skin. Toge couldn’t picture the exact pattern, but the texture of the tiny waves were another reminder of who was with him. The fingerprints Toge was feeling were attached to Yuuta, and no other person alive or dead had the exact same grooves as him.
Possessing a sense of trust that Toge didn’t know he had, he slowly opened his mouth and put the seal on his tongue on full display. The insinuation was clear, Toge’s eyes set as they locked onto Yuuta’s and watched him process the invitation. Toge could feel sweat gathering on his forehead as time froze, his tongue exposed to the biting chill of the air.
Yuuta’s room was warm, but Toge’s tongue became icy in seconds.
Yuuta audibly gulped, his eyes zeroed in on the seal like he was dying of thirst and the mark was a rushing waterfall. Yuuta’s admiration didn’t make Toge squirm though; he was slowly noticing the difference between Yuuta’s admiration and the hungry looks strangers had given him in the past when they ripped Toge’s mouth open without his permission.
Yuuta looked but waited, always ensuring that Toge was comfortable first because ultimately he was touching the seals for Toge. When he had first tried to touch Toge’s seals as they kissed, the action was born out of love not greed.
Yuuta’s hand was slow as it moved towards Toge’s mouth, and Toge knew that Yuuta was doing it deliberately to give Toge time to prepare. He wondered if Yuuta also needed a moment to process; he was always hungry for touch and probably never imagined he’d get to feel this part of Toge.
Yuuta had felt Toge’s tongue against his own, yet he’d never grazed the mark of fangs with his fingertips. Most people would want to, it was shown time and time again that people craved the feeling of its power, but Yuuta’s intentions were different.
He wanted to touch the seal because it was a part of Toge. He saw the person, not the mark, and that made all the difference. He wanted to soak up Toge, just Toge.
Toge still tensed when Yuuta’s index finger gently landed in the center of Toge’s seal. He could taste the slight salty taste from any lingering sweat on Yuuta’s hands, and the taste was so familiar that Toge gagged.
It was ridiculous. Yuuta only had one finger pad resting on his tongue yet Toge coughed around it as if Yuuta was shoving his hand down Toge’s throat.
Yuuta withdrew immediately, his hand snapping backwards as if it’d been burned. Toge merely shook his head, waving off Yuuta’s waves of apologies immediately.
Yuuta ignored him, his other hand falling away from Toge’s face and hanging uselessly at his side. Even after Toge sucked in a deep breath and forced the wheezes to stop, Yuuta looked at him with a harrowed expression that made Toge want to simultaneously laugh and sob.
It was ridiculous. Yuuta was such a worrier.
Toge wished he was stronger. He felt guilty that Yuuta was finding a way to blame himself for Toge’s issues.
“I’m sorry,” Yuuta whispered. “I shouldn’t have let it go that far.”
Toge shook his head again, firmly saying, “Okaka.”
He kept his voice steady, trying to prove to Yuuta that everything was okay.
‘Not your fault. It was my choice. It’s my body,’ Toge signed.
Yuuta smiled sadly. “It is your choice, and yes, it’s your body,” he agreed.
It was a sentiment Toge was still adapting to. Sometimes it helped for them both to affirm it; to remind Toge of the fact even though he was safe now.
Yuuta’s eyes lowered slightly as he added, “Sometimes you don’t seem to know your own limits though. You push yourself too hard, as if you aren’t truly asking yourself if something is okay.”
Yuuta’s gaze met Toge’s again, passion swirling in the deep blue of his irises. “I don’t want you to treat yourself as just some thing, as if you’re a tool.”
Toge pursed his lips. He had nothing to defend himself with, no comment to counter Yuuta’s concern.
He had been raised to simply be a body; an empty shell to be used. Even while in his healing process, the old thoughts seemed to creep back in as he forced himself to go past what he was actually comfortable with.
Toge sighed, ducking his head as he nodded in agreement.
“Hey, Toge,” Yuuta said suddenly. His hand reached forward slowly, inching closer towards his face as Toge’s body tensed in preparation for the touch.
He tried not to flinch as Yuuta grew closer, he wanted to stay strong for a little bit longer, but Toge couldn’t hold back his small relieved sigh when Yuuta’s hand settled cupping his jaw.
He was a little overwhelmed by everything. Maybe Yuuta had a point about Toge pushing himself harder than he ought to for his own wellbeing.
Yuuta smiled, his thumb creeping forward slightly to nudge at the skin near Toge’s seals. Just the small gesture was enough to make Toge shiver, but Yuuta simply kept gazing at him with love in his eyes.
“You’re beautiful,” Yuuta said quietly. His eyes swept over Toge’s face carefully, taking him all in at once. He looked at Toge’s seals, but he spent just as much time gazing into Toge’s eyes and studying the faintest trace of freckles on the tip of his nose.
“All of you. So beautiful,” Yuuta said again.
Yuuta let his hand roam, still skipping over the seals out of pure habitーalthough it was possible Yuuta had already decided they were done for the night.
Yuuta tapped Toge’s nose with his fingertip, landing right on the largest freckle. His hand swept through Toge’s hair, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. His pinky finger traced the curve of Toge’s lips as they curved into a small smile.
Toge’s eyes dropped, a sudden shyness taking over. He was used to Yuuta’s compliments, he gave them often and Toge actually enjoyed teasing him about it, but the seriousness of the moment made everything more exhilarating.
Even though many people had grabbed at his face like a bratty child reaching for candyーholding him like he was something they were owed ーhe was still taught to be disgusted by the marks. He never appreciated that part of him before. It seemed impossible when everyone around him flip-flopped between admiring them and recoiling at the sight.
Yuuta’s gaze remained steady. Toge couldn’t stop himself from leaning into Yuuta’s palm and soaking up his touch as it landed back safely on his jaw.
“I’m proud of you,” Yuuta said, breaking the silence. “But you can take your time.”
Toge nodded tiredly, his chin pushing against Yuuta’s hand with the movement.
“You act like you have to do this alone,” Yuuta said carefully, “I’m happy to help you, but this isn’t something you have to fix .”
Toge let out a trembling breath. He knew Yuuta could feel it brush his hand as Yuuta’s thumb rubbed a soothing circle in response.
“You aren’t at fault for what they did to you.”
Toge finally wiggled out of Yuuta’s grip on his jaw, instead letting his head fall down against Yuuta’s shoulder. He stared down at the bedspread, finding his vision suddenly obscured by a strange blurriness.
The whole world was underwater, but maybe it was just Toge. He was drowning in sorrow but also in love and hope. His clan may have hurt him in the past, but he took the first step to heal. Yuuta was there to offer support through every step; Toge wasn’t alone anymore.
It wasn’t just Yuuta either. Toge knew that Maki, Panda, even the first years would help him in a heartbeat if he asked for it. They saw him as more than his technique, and Toge could learn to do the same over time.
Yuuta wrapped his arms around Toge in a loose embrace once the first salty tear hit the bedsheets. He didn’t ask why Toge was crying, which Toge was grateful for.
He wouldn’t have an answer anyway. The mere memory of Yuuta’s warm hand touching his seal made Toge choke with emotion; a concoction he couldn’t begin to decipher.
Toge’s tears didn’t last long. Like most things he did, Toge’s crying was silent. He never allowed himself the screaming emotional breakdown that he probably needed. It seemed after years of repression he lost the ability to.
He supposed he could work on that next.
For now, he reluctantly stepped out of Yuuta’s embrace. Toge had been too drained to even raise his arms and hug Yuuta back, but he appreciated the feeling of Yuuta’s protective hold surrounding him while he gathered himself.
Once freed, Toge raised his hands to sign. ‘ Can we try again in a few days?’
Yuuta blinked, his face flat for one terrifying moment before he broke into a smile. “Of course!”
Yuuta continued to grin as Toge nodded silently in agreement. Yuuta reached out and poked Toge in the ribs, earning a jolt and sharp glare.
“As if I’d ever turn down an invitation to touch you,” Yuuta teased.
Toge scoffed, shoving Yuuta lightly. Without his high collar, Toge’s smile was exposed for the world to see.
But this time he didn’t think about it. He didn’t think about how people could see what he was feeling, he didn’t think about the way his seals moved as his cheeks rounded, he didn’t think about how he looked.
He just focused on the warm feeling flooding his chest and the bright smile in front of him.
Healing may be slow, but the glimpses of true unbridled happiness along the way were enough to make all of the fear worth it. With any luck, maybe someday his grin would be squished between Yuuta’s palms as he traced his thumbs over Toge’s sealsーappreciating them as just another part of him while Toge leaned into the gentle touch.