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Retsudou and his father had reached the point where Metsudou would send him to all kinds of places, and Retsudou had to guess whether it was going to be an actual mission or simply another play date. Most of the time he got lucky because despite his new part-time job as babysitter, there were still important matters for him to attend to. His father knew how capable his son and his team were, so of course he mainly used them for crucial missions. It would be foolish not to.
Today, however, wasn't a lucky day.
As he stood inside the locked room, sirens blaring and his two idiot children (as Misasa had so pointedly named them) sniffing around the area, Retsudou questioned everything. After all his disappointments so far, he'd stopped checking the addresses he was sent to beforehand. If his father planned to ruin his day anyway, he at least wanted to have a quiet, unsuspecting arrival. There was no need to feel the dread that inevitably twisted his insides whenever he spotted Raian and Ouma when he wasn't even at his destination yet.
This time, his father and Eriou had chosen a goddamn escape room for the play date. Retsudou didn't know what they were thinking, sending two fighters to solve riddles. In the five minutes since the countdown of one hour had started, Raian and Ouma had just been looking around the room, not to search for hints but to check if the interior was real or not. The sirens and red lights were, but everything else was just a prop.
The staff member who had instructed them—with visible fear in her eyes; poor thing—had of course told them that the goal of the game was to follow the hints and diffuse a number of bombs by solving riddles before the whole place blew up. Neither of the two were searching for bombs, though. Ouma was likely looking for food, maybe some candy bar a previous visitor had dropped (hopefully still packaged), and Raian was just looking for trouble like he always did.
The more Retsudou observed the two, the more he got a bad feeling about the way Raian stayed close to the walls, tapping random spots and looking them up and down with a hint of curiosity in his gaze that never should be taken lightly.
“I know the lady didn't say so directly, but just to make sure, Raian,” Retsudou called out, taking a step towards him just in case he needed to act quickly. “Destroying the wall to get outside doesn't count as a win.”
“How else are we supposed to get out of here?” Raian answered without turning around, his voice loud enough to be heard clearly over the sirens.
“You have to use your head a little. Find clues, solve riddles, stuff like that.” At his words, Raian turned around and looked at him as if he'd just insulted him. Retsudou couldn't help himself as he felt an amused grin tug at the corner up his lips. “What, worried you haven't used your head in so long you don't know how to any more?”
Moments like these, when Raian stared at him completely dumbfounded and stunned into five beautiful seconds of silence, were almost worth his suffering. Before Raian had the chance to respond, Ouma reappeared, holding a more or less round object in his hands.
“I found something to eat,” he said, sounding weirdly proud.
While Raian raised an eyebrow only to come closer anyway, Retsudou's first reaction was to wonder where he even got that from. The rooms were supposedly cleaned out after every group, so there should be no way for him to actually find anything edible unless it was intentionally hidden somewhere. He took a closer look at the thing in Ouma's hands and felt his eye twitch.
“That's one of the bombs we're supposed to diffuse,” Retsudou said with a blank face, his voice flat. “But good job on finding it, I guess.”
Retsudou could hear Raian cackle behind him and didn't bother holding back on rolling his eyes. Raian obviously couldn't see him so he didn't argue, but judging from the almost boyish excitement in his voice, he wouldn't have noticed nor cared either way.
“Oi, Ouma~” Raian had only just started his sentence and Retsudou already wanted to strangle him. He knew the grin on his lips too well; it was the one that always meant trouble. “Bet your stomach can't handle these bombs?”
Ouma blinked, looked at the bomb in his hands and back to a manically grinning Raian. “Bet.”
“No you're not,” Retsudou chided and grabbed the bomb before Ouma could try and take a bite.
Being around them truly felt like handling two overgrown, dangerous children. Raian continued to laugh while Retsudou gave Ouma an earful about why he shouldn't just eat anything he picked up, and Ouma didn't even make an effort to look at him. Part of Retsudou wanted to finally teach him some manners, but he grew worried when Raian's laugh became quieter, like he was moving away from them, steering towards more trouble.
He let out a delighted chuckle. “Hey, they even have knives!”
Oh how Retsudou wished the bombs were real. He could end his misery right there and then.
He knocked the bomb out of Ouma's hands, stamped on it for good measure, and then strode towards Raian to stop him from whatever atrocity he was about to commit. In the surprisingly spacious room, Raian was standing in front of a table with various other props, most of them weapons. Retsudou could tell they were all fake even from afar.
When Raian finally caught on, the disappointment on his face was comical. He looked like a three-year-old who'd just been told Santa didn't exist as he let his hands glide over the props, his discontent quickly changing to contempt.
“You can't kill anyone with that!” he exclaimed reproachfully once Retsudou came to a halt next to him, staring at him like it was both his fault and his responsibility to fix.
Retsudou looked at him in disbelief. “That's the point.”
“What.”
“This is just a game, Raian. You understand that, right?”
It had been obvious to him, at least, but Retsudou had learned the hard way that common sense meant little to either Raian or Ouma. He'd also learned that no matter how well the staff explained the activities beforehand, neither of the two idiots actually listened, so maybe he should think of other methods to make sure all three of them were on the same page.
Meanwhile, Raian let out a growl and gestured at the weapons. “But the old geezers said we're playing a murder game today.”
Retsudou blinked once, twice. He was sure he'd misheard, but what else could Raian possibly have said that sounded remotely like ‘murder game'?
“I don't know what exactly they told you, but I'm absolutely certain you got that wrong.”
“He's right, they called it murder game,” Ouma agreed after joining them around the table, curiously looking for something that might be edible among the props.
Raian huffed. “See?”
“Why are you looking at me like I'm the insane one here?”
With a heavy sigh, Retsudou rubbed his temple, feeling the familiar headache he always got whenever he was forced to spend time with Raian and Ouma. When he saw Raian getting ready to argue with him, he held up his hand to stop him and whipped out his phone.
“Who are you calling?” Raian asked while Retsudou waited for someone to pick up the phone.
“Misasa.”
“Why? We're much better company than your underlings.”
They weren't, but he wasn't keen on getting into that argument now. Much to his dismay, Misasa didn't pick up. He clicked his tongue, lit another cigarette and mumbled, “And here I was hoping he'd come over and drop off some actual bombs.”
Ouma raised an eyebrow. “I thought you weren't into property damage.”
Retsudou fell silent for a while. His gaze shifted from Ouma to Raian and, just for a moment, he thought about all the glorious things he could've done now if he'd only thought of bringing weapons.
“Yeah, let's just say that's what I wanted to blow up.”
“I have a feeling he doesn't enjoy hanging out with us,” Ouma said to Raian, who let out a short laugh that sounded more like a bark.
“No joke, he fucking loathes it!”
“That's not nice, Katahara Retsudou. We haven't done anything to upset you.”
Ouma's expression was so sincere that Retsudou almost felt bad, but then he realised that Ouma being serious made it even worse. Just being reminded of everything they put him through was enough to make his eye twitch again.
“Have you now?” he asked through gritted teeth.
Ouma nodded, completely clueless, but when Raian chimed in he could tell from his cheeky grin that he knew exactly what he did and was proud of it on top of that.
“Yeah, Retsu, we've been nothing but amicable to you. Haven't we, Ouma?”
“We have,” Ouma agreed and crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking very much like a parent about to scold their child.
Something inside Retsudou snapped. Due to the long years he spent training his self-control, he didn't choose violence, but simply decided that whatever damage control he was doing by babysitting these two idiots wasn't worth the extent of his suffering. At this point, he was just entertaining two old men who apparently had no other hobbies.
“You know what? This isn't worth it.” He held up both hands and looked at them, a crooked smile on his lips. “Go on a rampage and destroy all of Japan, I don't care any more.”
Without waiting for a reply, Retsudou turned around and walked towards the entrance. When his phone rang, he picked up the call without looking at the number. “Misasa? You got today's address, right? Get me as many bombs as possible right n—yes, I'm serious! I'll pay for the damage out of my own pocket, just make sure you bring out the big guns.”
He wasn't in the mood to argue, so Retsudou hung up immediately. Now that he'd decided not to give a damn, he felt strangely free. Ignoring Raian and Ouma calling after him, he kicked down the door they came through and marched past the shocked staff. He contemplated leaving his father's business card but couldn't be bothered to pull it out of his pocket.
Retsudou stepped outside the venue and took a long drag on his cigarette. Hopefully, Misasa would arrive soon. And once he was done here, he'd head home, give his father a piece of his mind and then submit a request for extended leave. If he didn't get the chance to relax soon, he'd be a bigger threat to Japan's safety than Raian and Ouma combined.