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Out of all the people in the world, it had to be James that I couldn’t have.
His face wandering under my eyelids, every little detail I have observed and memorised through the years, staring at him for a long time. Nothing compares to the love I feel for him.
It’s passionate, wild, untamed — raw. Full of adrenaline, the adrenaline of being young and reckless. James attracts me like light attracts a moth. And I fly towards him with ease, knowing I will burn. But having the possibility to treasure every little moment with him makes me be devil-may-care.
I feel it.
I feel the soft kind of love he drowns my heart in, the one that reminds me we can’t choose who we love. And I wish, more than anything, that we could. That I could.
I feel like drowning, drowning in him, nearly drowned out by my own breathing.
With you, I feel complete.
Without you, I feel nothing. You're my everything.
I'm lost.
James waits at her doorsteps, his face twisted with concern. She was supposed to wait a few days before contacting him – she needs space to get her head on right. To figure out just what kind of fucked up she is.
Luna stares at him, with the grocery bag gripped in her hands–she can't tear her eyes away. He watches her, this knowing look in his eyes.
“Hi,” he says.
She swallows and hopes the heat in her cheeks isn’t visible. James takes a few, slow steps towards her and briefly touches her hand. This touch sends shivers down her spine– it’s electrifying. “Let me help you,” he suggests, looking at her when she opens the door.
The kitchen is really messy. Luna feels embarrassed, but James doesn’t care, apparently. In fact, he is not even surprised.
“How are you feeling?” His voice is unsure, concerned.
“Like I fooled fate once again.” She clenches her jaw and pushes out a breath, adding, “I’m fine.”
He doesn’t believe her. She tries to avoid his eyes, so she opens the fridge. Inside, there is a light, rotten tomato and two bottles of beer. She takes them out and gives him one. He accepts it in silence. From the grocery bag, she pulls out chips. Salty Lays, his favourite.
She bites her cheek and a lot of words sit inside of her, in the hollowness behind her ribs.
“I thought it was just a silly crush, but it turned into more. I’m sorry, I know you don’t feel the same about me.” It goes unsaid, sits in the silence of her mind, making her head spin.
You saved my life twice, you saved me when I was fourteen. I lost my Mum then. And you saved me now, when I’m twenty. And my Dad is gone.
She feels the tears welling up in her eyes, the wetness of sadness that can’t be blinked away, that can’t be hidden.
I cry until I can’t anymore; I sob until no sound comes out. I hold onto your shirt and bury my face in your chest. You hug me close, tight. Then, you tell me everything is going to be okay, that I will forget and I will move on. You say this because I make you believe that my pain is caused by death and fire. When in reality, it’s you — I know I will never have you. I will need to accept that you belong to someone else and I never even stood a chance. I let you comfort me for the pain that you unknowingly caused.
I wish I could at least pretend that you love me, that you think about me the way men think about women in storybooks, the way Romeo thinks about Juliet. I wish I could.
His big hand ruffles her hair and she hiccups, tears burning behind her eyes. She is no longer here, her thoughts are flying high.
Luna saw flames of fire, the stench of burning was suffocating and she lost all the air in her lungs. And then his face in a fire fighter's mask showed up and she was safe. She felt safe, even if she wasn’t, not entirely.
That was the first time, the first time she owed him life.
Luna saw the flames of fire, splattered blood, broken glass and her father's dull eyes. With the last of her strength, she tried to get out of the car, but lost consciousness. When she closed her eyes, she saw the glow of the red lights of the firemen's car. And his silhouette, running down the street to save her.
That was the second time, the second time she owed him life.
“Luna, I’m concerned about you. You should seek some help.” The silence stills between them, the air going quiet, Luna glances at him, aware of his eyes on her.
His words are cruel.
Luna shakes her head, her heart in her throat, “I’m fine,” she pouts. Their eyes hold each other steady and the silence stretches into infinity, despite the chaos that surrounds them.
"You know I care for you and I always will, but..."
“I love you, James.” She cries out, muffled. She confesses her love for the second time and she sees James push out a breath and look away.
He’s frustrated, she can see it. Angry, perhaps.
“Don't ever say that again.” His voice, hard, makes her heart sink.
The first time she declared her love was a moment before this memorable trip with her father. She was upset, as he… rejected her then. It was worse than any disease or broken bone she’s ever had — to be jostled away.
A stupid emotional breakdown, a moment of weaknessthat has brought so much harm in her life. And she is sure – it will never be the same.
“ You're not thinking straight and you're not making any sense.” He steps back and his warm body is gone. Now, he is upset more than angry and her face twists like she’s about to cry.
“Please stay.” Luna says quietly, when he reaches for the door. He looks at her, shaking his head.
“I can’t, Luna. I can’t.”
And James is gone in the next blink.
She’s fucked. She’s broken.
Heartbroken.
My heart is pounding, when I see the river down there. My hands are sweaty and sticky, too hot. I can smell the concrete and metal of the bridge. The more I wait, the more metal gets slippery, liquid beneath the pulp of my fingers, and my mind wanders… I will not cheat fate.
I don’t want to cheat fate, not anymore.
Perhaps, in another reality, we collide. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are together under the same sky.