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Guilt, Hikari found, was a hard cloak to shrug off one’s shoulders. It held her in its insistent embrace, refusing to let go as it flooded her mouth with its bitter taste, gradually choking her.
Relief had dulled its sharp stab initially, enough for her to shove it aside and forget about it. In the first few days after she and Tairitsu had set out on their journey across a slowly dying world - decomposing now that its purpose had been fulfilled - the wonder of being able to take her hand had easily drowned out everything else. She had spent hours alone simply tracing shapes on Tairitsu’s palm with her finger, satisfied to repeatedly brush a thumb over her knuckles, blushing and mumbling excuses whenever she raised her gaze to find the other girl’s bemused eyes trained on her. Every night was spent curled up next to Tairitsu under a sky of glass, tightly gripping her hand as if she would disappear at any second, as if this was all a dream that could not last.
The image, however, never faded, no matter how much time passed. She never snapped back to reality to realise that clutched in her hand was a shard of glass, her grip so tight that blood snaked down the edges. If this was truly a dream, then she prayed that it would never end, for she did not wish to know of any life outside of it.
Unaccustomed to someone else travelling alongside her, having walked this world alone for so long with the sound of her footsteps as her only companion, it was surreal to wake up and find Tairitsu still fast asleep. A smile playing on her lips as she explored peaceful dreams, enough to make Hikari fall still, a sense of serenity she had never felt before settling in her heart. All the breath leaking from her lungs as a sigh when Tairitsu opened her eyes and smiled contentedly up at her, a gentle hand reaching up to tuck a stray strand of white hair behind her ear. Fingers lingering on the shell of her ear, leaving behind a spot of warmth that spread throughout her entire body.
But, throughout it all, there had been a tiny voice whispering in her ear.
You don’t deserve any of this after what you’ve done.
A voice that had only magnified to a scream, like a deafening storm howling behind her, a cold hand grasping her heart as she struggled not to show any hint of the turmoil within her. Doing her best to put on a mask of a nonchalant smile as Tairitsu squeezed her hand and directed a silent question her way, one that she refused to answer, waving it away with another excited comment on their surroundings. Playing the part of the happy girl she had been, such a long time ago.
But she couldn’t run away forever. No matter how many walls she put up, no matter how much she fortified them in hopes that they would never shatter, there would always be one place she couldn’t hide.
Her dreams.
In the confines of her mind, she was utterly defenceless against the monsters that lurked within, unable to do anything but cower with no one to save her. She couldn’t simply close her eyes, let Tairitsu’s soft voice wash over her, and pretend that they were just two ordinary girls, heading home from a trip, with nothing to worry about except the possibility of getting lost.
There was no escape, from being reminded of who she really was, and the immense power that had once dwelled at her fingertips. Enough to destroy the axioms that had once governed this reality, rewriting the world in its entirety. Engraved into the raw surface of her heart was the knowledge of the unforgivable role she had played in this tragedy, and all the mistakes she had already committed.
Even if, in truth, it hadn’t been her… The sins were still hers to carry.
She was dragged from her nightmares screaming by Tairitsu’s insistent shaking, the impression of the sword still burned into her palm, imagined red coating her skin that no amount of frantic rubbing could get off. The only thing that could calm her incessant trembling and cease the tears rolling down her cheeks was Tairitsu’s embrace and the comforting words she whispered into her ear. Her own arms wrapping around the other girl and pulling her closer, as close as could be, heart singing in joy that she was alive, her pulse beating steadily away. Before the guilt descended upon her once more, like a bucket of cold water dumped on her head, leading her to pull away like she’d been burned, confusion blooming in Tairitsu’s eyes.
Still, Tairitsu said nothing. Only waiting patiently, doing her best to put a smile on Hikari’s face during the day, and spending the nights when she thought Hikari was asleep staring with the worry that she no longer needed to disguise, overtaking her features as she placed a gentle hand on her cheek.
And so guilt trapped her in place, its sharp claws digging into her sides as the nightmares became a nightly occurrence, Tairitsu’s growing concern only further weighing on her. It wasn’t fair, to make her share in this misery. It should be her burden alone.
Just as it wasn’t fair, not to tell Tairitsu of what had transpired before she had been brought back from the depths. She had thought, naively, that they could continue on without ever having to tear the truth from her tightly curled hands, that they could remain forever ignorant as they made a new life for themselves. For she couldn’t bear the thought of the other girl’s heart darkening once more, hatred corrupting all the love that flowed between them.
She couldn’t bear being alone again.
But it wouldn’t be fair. Leaving Tairitsu in the dark would be akin to letting her live a lie, the memories of the life she had led before forever lost.
So she would relinquish the truth, the most dangerous weapon of all, and accept whatever future awaited her. Whether it be punishment or prize, forgiveness or seething anger.
She didn’t know what gave her the final push, unlocked the well of courage within her that had gone unnoticed up till now.
Only that watching Tairitsu admire the architecture of the church they had stumbled across, trailing a hand across the rough stone of the outer wall, had made bile rise in her throat. Memories of the disastrous conversation they had had in another church, in another lifetime, flashing across her mind.
It didn’t take much, to get Tairitsu to follow her to a pew within the dimly-lit cathedral - a tug of her sleeve was sufficient.
They sat, hands resting on their laps, and stared at the broken statue that had once stood at the front of the church, proudly greeting its occupants. It was nothing now but pieces, the god it had depicted forgotten and defiled, their religion abandoned.
She smoothed out the non-existent creases in her dress, dread building in her heart as the world itself seemed to hold its breath. Waiting, as time ticked away…
The first few words out of her mouth were slow, halting pauses between each as she looked everywhere but at Tairitsu. Her hands clasped, nails digging into her skin as her breathing quickened, the thundering sound of her heartbeat in her ear blocking out all else.
What gave her the strength to continue was Tairitsu’s hand, prying apart her own to rub comforting circles with her thumb, unwilling to let her hurt herself. And with each word that fell from her lips like a stray butterfly, Tairitsu gave her an encouraging squeeze, until they were spilling from her with a life of their own, flapping their wings to flutter towards the ceiling of the cathedral.
Until finally, the tale she weaved came to an end, hollow silence falling upon them once more now that she had nothing left to say. Taking a shuddering breath, she held herself stiffly, heart sinking at the thought that Tairitsu would walk away, never to be seen again. Why wouldn’t she? There was nothing to stop her, and she certainly had no right to do so.
But Tairitsu had not pulled away throughout it all, even if Hikari could barely make out the other girl by this point - she was nothing more than a blur of black behind the veil of her tears.
And that alone was enough for her to cling to hope. To wish, however selfishly, that they could be together for as long as was possible.
A hand cupped her cheek, a thumb brushing away her tears as a gentle kiss was pressed to her forehead.
“Silly. I already told you, didn’t I? That whatever you’ve done, you must have made it right. That hasn’t changed. Not one bit. And it won’t. Not now, and not ever.”
What a fool she had been, to forget how incredibly kind Tairitsu was.
She couldn’t help but fling herself into Tairitsu’s embrace, sobs ripping out of her, tears flowing without end as they had that first day, as if a dam had finally broken. Her grip on the other girl’s shoulders must have been tight enough to hurt, but Tairitsu didn’t utter a single complaint. Only held her, gently patting her back as she let it all out, her wails shattering the quiet sanctity of the church as her heart mended itself.
In the past, she had found nothing but despair within the hallowed halls of a church.
But here, she had found salvation, just as warm as the morning light that filtered through the stone roof's cracks, illuminating a path forward.
With the weight somewhat lifted from her heart, it was far easier to breathe, to taste fresh air on her tongue and let it clear her mind. How had she lived before, with smog clogging her lungs and poison corroding her throat?
She could open her eyes now, and truly see. Let her sight fall upon this world, beautiful even in its imminent destruction, and drink it all in. Pieces of the sky, breaking off and crashing down upon the land, clouds of dust exploding upon the impact. Glass shards spiralling aimlessly, forming breathtaking sculptures that she and Tairitsu spent time giving names, giggling at each other’s ridiculous ideas. Forming lovely vistas shaped from the memories of other worlds, independent of their control, for the Arcaea no longer obeyed their command.
Refreshing oases, colourful flower fields, caves filled with glittering jewels that she pressed into Tairitsu’s hand, watching them disappear into tiny, shimmering shards once they emerged from the darkness.
They explored each location hand-in-hand, discovering the wonderful secrets hidden in every nook and cranny, with wide smiles on their faces.
The nightmares were still there, rearing their ugly head on some nights, like a snake constricting around her heart. The guilt would never leave her, not fully, for her actions could not be erased. She had done what she had done, and no amount of rewriting the world would ever take that back.
And that was fine. For there would always be a shoulder for her to cry on, and someone there to whisper soothing words into her ears, reassuring her that everything was alright. She would always be safe, steady arms wrapping around her waist and acting like a shield as she melted into the touch.
Even if she could not yet forgive herself, and perhaps never could, Tairitsu had forgiven her. Had never blamed her to begin with. That was all that mattered.
She would spend her days to their fullest, filling them to the brim with happiness. Holding Tairitsu’s hand ever tighter, for one day she would have to let go, when this world finally reached its breaking point.
Living, as best she could, for that was the choice she had resolved to make. And on that decision, she would hold firm.
“Were you happy?”
The flat voice was the first sound Hikari heard when she came to, blinking away her disorientation as she shook her head. The last thing she remembered was the confines of the world closing in on her and Tairitsu - the final two to remain, as the world took its last, groaning breath. They had pressed their foreheads together, muttering a promise to each other, their fingers interlinked.
United in death as they had been reunited in life.
So how was it that she had come to be here?
She spun around, trying to gauge her surroundings. A void of pure white stretched beyond what the eye could see, so bright that it hurt to stare at. Even closing her eyes did not make it go away, an imprint of white against the back of her eyelids.
Cold, alien, and devoid of life.
Focussing on the direction the voice had originated from, she turned once more. And where before there had been no one, now another girl stood across from her, having appeared out of nowhere. A mirror of herself, clad in the white dress that haunted her nightmares, though for once it was clean of blood. There was no sword in sight either, the other girl’s arms slack by her side.
Blank red eyes that saw all, and yet saw nothing at the same time. But right now, they were trained on her, enough so that Hikari could see her own reflection in the pools of scarlet, akin to blood. Seeing, for the first time in a long time.
Her… The one she had seen in a desolate memory, of pain and suffering, from a time long past and far out of reach. Or perhaps she was an anomaly from another world. Hikari had no way of knowing, and lacked the power to investigate. Nor did she have the time, numbness already beginning to creep up her arms from her fingertips.
Whatever the case, the other girl was shrouded in loneliness, and yet unable to feel any of it. Unable to save herself, because the will to do so had been fractured completely, leaving behind nothing but a broken facsimile of a person.
A God, one could call such a state.
Hikari was not her name, that much she knew. It was a name that belonged only to herself, a phantasm.
She could have easily chosen eternity as well. Could have chosen the endless monotony of this void, without fear of anything, for nothing could touch her here.
But eternity held nothing for her. It was in the little moments she spent with Tairitsu, the time that she scooped up with her hands to ensure they did not slip away, as the seconds inexorably ticked on towards the inevitable end, that gave her life meaning and colour.
Her incompleteness had blessed her with much.
Taking a deep breath, she took purposeful strides forwards. She had no idea what the other girl’s reaction would be to her next actions, didn’t know whether or not she would be struck down with divine wrath. Had no clue if this was but a mirage she was seeing in her last moments, built from all that she had learned from the Arcaea, or some miracle the universe had granted her.
Regardless… There was something she wanted to say.
Throwing her arms around “God”, she held her close, just as Tairitsu had done for her so many times before. There hadn’t been anyone for this girl, had there, to wake her up from this eternal nightmare? Perhaps she was but a fractured mirror that could not be put back together again, but even then, she wished to present her answer.
“Yes, I was. I am,” she said, her voice cutting through the silence.
For despite everything, she had been truly happy.
She did not know whether the other girl returned the gesture, for she had lost all sensation, the very essence of her soul seeping away. Her eyes shut, she could only keep talking, hoping it fell upon listening ears and awoke a semblance of emotion. A spark that could one day grow into an inferno, burning away the chains that kept her chained here, within this prison.
“So thank you for your wish. And I hope that one day, it can be granted for you too. I’m sorry I can’t stay, but…”
Hikari smiled, for what she knew would be the final time in this body, as she faded away, holding on to the memory of a girl’s lovely smile.
“I made a promise to find someone again. So… I’ll be going now.”
I’m coming, Tairitsu. I hope I didn’t make you wait too long…