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Another day, another Starfleet conundrum. Raffi sat at her desk, eyes weary and heavy. Re-joining Starfleet had returned a steadiness of body and mind that had been hopelessly missing from her life in recent times, but it was days like this that she would hear that little echoing voice of doubt whisper in the back of her mind, “Is it really worth it?” Her very soul felt weighted.
Raffi was playing catch up on what felt like thousands of intelligence reports from her years spent absent from the Federation. Forced absence she thought bitterly. Not exactly light reading and by no means required by anyone’s standard, but it was the mark of a good intelligence officer to be up to date in all past and present operations. She just wished it weren’t so god damned draining! But if Raffi had learnt anything the hard way in the last decade or so, and she had learnt a hell of a lot the hard way, it was that she didn’t always have to push through when she felt exhausted.
She certainly had nothing to prove to anyone and putting herself under unnecessary strain only resulted in crippling self-doubt creeping in under the surface, which inevitably led down roads from which it took every ounce of restraint within her to stop and turn around. It was simply no longer an option.
She was learning. She was always learning. It was a process. But she was on the right path. Self-care and self-love were not exactly her forte in the past but in recent years, with a little practice and awareness she was starting to dig the good vibe it was giving her. Which is why now, without doubt or guilt, she switched off all the tech in her office, pushed back in her chair and let it breathe. That was her thing now. Let it breathe. Their mantra. With a half-smile the phrase conjured up an imagine of her favourite person and she sighed in contentment.
Her relationship with Seven had led to so much personal growth, for both of them. The Raffi of old would have been twisted round in knots of self-doubt and anxiety when she thought of Seven. “How long would they last? When would Seven leave? She wasn’t deserving of such a beautiful and strong woman. When would she realise that Raffi was just too much of a burden, too hard to love?”
Now though, every time she thought of that beautiful strong woman, she filled up with a deep joy that resonated in a warm flutter in her stomach. It had been a rough journey at times, challenging and heart breaking, but ultimately rewarding in ways she found difficult to describe. They were in a good place now. A really good place. They had committed to one another, worked hard to find balance and created a life together, that whilst not being your average relationship, it worked well for them.
She smirked. “Efficiently functional”, would be how Seven would describe them. Though once you got her to relax a little, she could be quite the romantic wordsmith when she wanted. There was that flutter again. Raffi couldn’t help it! Seven was just so god damn sexy and smart, beautiful and brave, vulnerable and soft and Raffi still had to pinch herself at times, that after everything they had been through, they were still in each other’s lives. That she was the one that got to say I love you and hear it said it return.
“Ok Musiker” she laughed, “Enough with the sappy lovestruck rambling. It’s home time.”
Raffi already felt lighter at her decision to call it a day and her thoughts turned to how she would spend her evening. Seven was away on Ranger duty and wasn’t due back for at least another week. Though they could go days without speaking, Seven always kept Raffi up to date on where she was and how the missions were playing out. It was a small point of conflict within Raffi that she still needed these reassurances, but also a small point of relief that it was Seven who resolved to send them. Balance. Growth. Raffi thought about calling her later, but she would wait and see how the evening played out.
She locked up her office and headed for the lifts. She reflected a little on the tiny nagging voice of doubt that kept playing in her head. Was it time to call it a day with Starfleet? Had she given and received all she could from the Federation? What exactly was it that kept bringing this thought to mind?
These days Raffi didn’t live too far from headquarters and made a point of walking home when she could, especially on such a beautiful evening. She also made a point of walking out the exit that took her past the galleries of Starfleet vessels and Star Maps. A history of space exploration laid out for the mind to gaze in wonderment. No matter how busy the corridors were it always gave her a sense of peace. There was a grandeur to the place that made her feel humbled. A small fleck of stardust in the infinite universe. She made her way through the quiet hall towards the main exit when she suddenly stopped dead, mid stride, at the scene in front of her.
“Wh…wait…what!? Seven?” Raffi stood wide eyed, open mouthed.
Standing tall and with that strong posture she carried herself with, Seven had been gazing with her fierce intelligence at a particularly complex and captivating Star Map. Hands clasped behind her waist and shoulders back she had such a unique presence that it was hard for any eye not to be drawn to her. She was dressed casually, and very strikingly, in a pair of navy trousers and a loose-fitting white shirt. To Raffi she was infinitely more captivating than any Star Map in existence. Raffi loved Seven’s rough and ready badass Ranger look, it made her weak at the knees, but this more relaxed look Seven had gone for this evening was doing something chemical to Raffi.
But what was she doing here? At Starfleet? Starfleet!? This place was bittersweet as it was for Raffi but for Seven it held so many difficult emotions. Abandonment, neglect and rejection among them. It was hard for her to speak about Starfleet let alone be standing here in its halls. This was so big. So much significance stood between them in this moment.
Oh Shit, please please please don’t be some major cosmic intergalactic event that’s about to rip us apart. The moment allowed for a little dramatic overthinking.
“Commander Musiker” Seven turned to greet her with her signature head tilt and that small smile in the corner of her mouth that was both half smug and half playful. “This star chart is defective. A small anomaly that admittedly could be overlooked by even an expert eye. None the less, disappointing by Starfleet standards.”
“Are you kidding me!! Star charts! You’re standing in Starfleet HQ! Star charts!? What’s going on, what’s wrong…” Raffi leapt towards her in exasperation.
“Raffi…”
“Is it Elnor?”
“He’s fine…”
“Something happen with the Rangers? Are you hurt….”
“Raff…”
“Oh god…Ok…You’re calm…I’m gonna stay calm…Quick! Do that check listy thing you do to see if this is real….”
“Oh my god…Raffi, calm down” Seven stepped forward and gently placed her hands on Raffi’s arms, soothingly rubbing up and down. “Nothing so dramatic.”
“Ok, yeah. Forgive the hysterics here babe but this ain’t exactly your everyday occurrence. What are you doing here?”
“I uh…” Raffi watched as Seven hesitated for a second and shyly dipped her head before returning her gaze to meet Raffi’s questioning eyes. “I…I wanted to walk you home”.
“…..
“You did?”
“I did.”
Raffi’s jaw must have dropped because she felt Seven lift a finger to her chin to gently close her mouth. “Could fly an away shuttle in there”, Seven chuckled. She lifted her palm to Raffi’s cheek. “I think I slightly underestimated your reaction. Not my finest hour, sorry.”
“Oh honey”, Raffi’s voice was wavering. She wrapped her arms around Seven’s neck, Seven gently resting her hands on Raffi’s waist, “This is the single most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Mission accomplished.”
They both laughed softly and touched foreheads. Raffi could palpably feel the energy between them.
“Can I kiss you? Here?” Raffi glanced around them, cautious of how much emotion was charging between them in this moment and keen not to overload Seven. She had learnt over the years that simply checking in and getting permission was an approach that Seven responded to well. The Raffi charge in, ask questions later approach wasn’t always well received. Balance. Growth.
“What with seeing you in that uniform is doing to me right now, I think its best you proceed with haste Commander”.
The kiss was soft and deep. Raffi would never quite get over how good it felt when their bodies were pressed together, perfectly formed in unison, heat radiating throughout her from head to toe, filling her with a tingling sensation that she could only describe as pure love. It was a perfect moment. The kind of kiss where they got completely lost in one another. The kind that let you feel…
“Lieutenant Musiker? Excuse me Ma’am.
God damn it!
Raffi could feel Seven’s eyebrow raise before she even opened her eyes. This will be fun.
She took a step back from Seven and turned to see a young male Ensign standing to attention.
“Ahem…Ensign?”
“Sorry to interrupt Ma’am, but I have a direct communication from Captain Dannan for your express and immediate attention,” he said, handing a PAAD to Raffi.
Raffi was trying to hold back a chuckle as she took the PAAD to read. She could sense Seven straighten her posture and tense up beside her. She had adopted her regimental stance. The young Ensign quickly glanced at Seven, with a mixture of recognition, shock and fear. Poor guy, she kind of felt bad for him for what he was about to experience.
“Do you take pride in wearing that uniform Ensign?” Seven began sternly, “Do you value the procedures and protocols that wearing it requires you to comply with? It seems that getting something as fundamental as an officer’s rank incorrect suggests that you do not. Commander Musiker is a distinguished and highly respected Starfleet Officer who does not have time to waste on impertinence. I suggest you return to your duties and advise that you study the formalities required in addressing an Officer.”
“Yes Ma’am. Ah, thank you Ma’am” he glanced between Seven and Raffi, colour draining from his face. “Commander, please accept my sincerest apologies.”
“Thank you, Ensign. Dismissed.” Raffi nodded and watched as the boy practically ran away.
She turned to Seven wide eyed and questioning. “Really?”
“What?” Seven said nonchalantly.
Raffi tilted her head, waiting.
“Oh come on! He ruined our moment! Seriously, that had to be the worst timing ever! I mean as moments go, that was pretty big!” Seven glared in the direction the Ensign had scurried away, scowling after him. “He’s lucky words are the only thing I threw at him” She stood crossed armed.
Raffi laughed loudly. “Aw babe, you acting like the big badass Ranger when really you’re just a big softie…”
“Stop it.”
“Being all protective and defending my honour…”
“Don’t…”
“Really, it’s just so…”
“Don’t say it…”
“Cute.” Raffi had the biggest grin on her face. Their moment may have been interrupted, and yeah Ok slightly ruined, but she couldn’t be happier right now.
“You love it” Seven smiled.
“Yeah, I do.” They held each other’s eyes for a few seconds. To Raffi these easy and playful moments between the two of them were what she lived for. But Seven was opening herself up in new ways and the significance was not lost on her. It was probably the very reason that they were being a little playful. There was so much truth and trust in what was happening here.
“Anything important?” Seven queried as Raffi began replying to the communication on the PAAD.
“Nope, as usual some low-grade intelligence verification that can most definitely wait. Some Captain looking to impress some Senior Ranks with their due diligence no doubt. Starfleet schmoozing at its best. One second, just clearing myself for a few days leave here.”
“Good” Seven held out her hand and Raffi stepped forward to take it. Seven lifted Raffi’s hand to her lips and with closed eyes, gently kissed her knuckles. “Shall we?”
“Yeah. Let’s.”
Raffi was almost giddy.
It was a short distance to Raffi’s place, so they kept their pace slow and easy, both eager to soak up the moment and the evening sun. They walked through tree lined avenues with sunlight fracturing through the leaves in beams of tender heat. Everything about the evening felt like glowing warmth. The warmth of the sun. The physical and emotional warmth of Seven walking shoulder to shoulder beside her. The warmth of the moment they were sharing together. She could sense a calmness in Seven that she had never seen in her. She seemed joyful and carefree, and Raffi thought it to be so wonderfully endearing to watch the woman she loved simply look…happy?
But as much as Raffi was lost in the moment, she loved this woman too much to let this slightly unusual behaviour go unchecked. At risk of being classically cliché Raffi, she had to ask.
“Sooo…Is everything okay?”
Seven took Raffi’s hand in hers, softly lacing their fingers together. Raffi knew Seven often used touch to communicate something she wasn’t easily able to find words for. It was her way of reassuring Raffi that there was nothing to worry about. Also, it just felt so good.
“Everything is very much okay” Seven smiled warmly. “I was thinking though, we should go to the Rocks this evening. I’m in the mood to sit under the stars with you.”
“The trailer?” Raffi was not expecting that. “Okay. Yeah, it’s a beautiful evening. Aaaah hold that thought. Nope! Bad idea. I haven’t been there in weeks and well, you just know how pedantic I am about tidiness and cleanliness I couldn’t possibly allow you to see it in the probable unfit state its currently in.”
“I wouldn’t think you have anything to worry about.” Seven smirked.
“You’ve already been, haven’t you?”
Seven just smiled.
“How bad?” Raffi grimaced.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before and nothing I don’t already love you for.”
Raffi laughed. She gently pulled Seven by the hand and stopped them so they were facing each other.
“Lady, you are just full of surprises today! Keep this up and you just might find yourself on the receiving end of my undying gratitude.” She kissed Seven softly.
“Well, if by undying gratitude you mean incredibly hot sex…” Seven whispered in her ear.
There was that radiating heat again. “Have I told you how amazingly beautiful you look today?”
“Not audibly, but that glazed over expression you get across your face every time you look me over has been speaking volumes.”
“Ha! I can’t even play it cool around you.”
Seven pulled her in close. “Oh you’re most definitely cool. And confident. And very, very sexy….”
Seven bit her lip and Raffi’s breathe hitched.
“OK!” Raffi exclaimed, “Let’s get out of here before PDA’s make it onto your list of surprises.”
They were sitting on the front porch watching the sun set below the horizon and the stars overhead begin to flicker in the sky. They sat shoulder to shoulder with Raffi curling into Seven’s side, arms linked. It had certainly been an evening of surprises and certainly not the one Raffi was expecting when she left her office earlier. It was perfect. Whatever was going on with Seven, and there was most definitely something going on, she would let her reveal it in her own time and way. Balance. Growth. For now, Raffi was going to saver every second of this glorious day.
“That meal was divine,” Raffi said. “It’s been so long since I had Italian food. And the real deal too!”
“I am quite proficient at preparing fresh meals.”
“You know, even knowing you all this time, I’m always amazed at your modesty.”
They both chuckled.
“Hey, when you’re good you’re good.” Seven laughed.
They sat in peaceful silence, breathing in the calm night air.
“Thank you” Raffi said earnestly, “For today. It’s been…”
“Everything you’ve ever wanted,” Seven said forlornly, gazing at the emerging stars.
Here it was. Raffi could feel Seven tense slightly and shuffled over to give her space, turning to face her.
“Seven I…”
“Raffi please, I want to explain. Or at least try to explain.”
Raffi’s heart rate leapt up as she silently waited for Seven to continue.
“I think about you a lot” Seven looked at her. “Like, all the time. But I’m always able to separate that and focus on the work. I’m good at that, compartmentalising. You already know that though” Seven smiled. “But recently, when I’m away, I find myself drawn to this sense of…” Seven searched for the right word, “…longing. So, for once, I let myself lean into it. Feel it. And I got so overwhelmed with what it is to want you, what it is to be with you. It feels like… even when you’re a world away I’m with you, and when you’re here with me…I miss you. That sounds illogical I know, but I’m so lost in you Raffi.
“You’ve given me so much of what I thought I could never have. What I thought I didn’t deserve. You’ve given me myself. And that’s something I’ve fought against for so long. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I want to be able to show you how I really feel.
“I’m so sorry Raffi.”
“Seven…”
“I know now what it must have felt like for you. What you must have gone through just to be with me. You longed for more when all I wanted to do was run away. I know now how that longing can hurt. The patience and love you showed from the beginning, all the while waiting for me. For me to find myself and be able to fully love you in a way that you so deserve my love. But I’m here now Raff. And I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. I wouldn’t know what it is to have true love. There is nobody like you. There never will be.
“So that’s sort of what today was about. Wanting you to know how I feel. And I needed the “grand gesture” in case I couldn’t find the words,” Seven laughed. “I hope that makes some sort of sense. I might be a little late in arriving, but this was always my destination. This is home. I love you Raffi, to my very bones. Fully and openly.”
Somewhere in that moment they had taken each other’s hands and Raffi only now registered that Seven was gripping hard. Raffi felt tears gently roll down her cheeks. The wavering tone of Seven’s voice had not gone unnoticed. She could feel and the see the vulnerability in Seven. How it had taken so much for Seven to share her heart. They had had heartfelt conversations before, but never so openly had Seven bared her soul and willingly so. Raffi was overcome with the love that was being displayed before her, that was given for her.
“Seven honey, that was so beautiful.” Raffi took Seven’s face in her hands and pulled her in. She tried to pour as much emotion as possible into the kiss, try to convey even a fraction of the love she was currently feeling.
“I love you too. So much. But I never wanted you to change for me or be more for me. I wanted you to do it for you. You don’t ever have to apologise for being yourself. Ok yeah, sure, maybe in the beginning it wasn’t always easy, but I just wanted us to be together. And god knows you put up with a hell of a lot of bullshit from me” Raffi laughed and Seven smiled.
“We’ve been through a lot together babe” Raffi continued, “But it’s been the privilege of my life to watch you become and step into the person you’ve always been in here”, Raffi placed her hand to Seven’s heart. “I don’t think you realise just how wonderfully amazing you are.
“What you did for me today…I won’t ever forget it. I watched you. Ok, more like I couldn’t stop staring like a lovesick teenager. But you looked so happy.”
“I am happy,” Seven said, reaching out to place a hand behind Raffi’s neck and gently pull her in for a kiss. They pulled back, touching foreheads. “Are you happy?”
“God yes,” Raffi exhaled. “And you know what, the lives we’ve led…. we deserve it.” She sat back in the chair and curled into Seven’s side again, wrapping her arms around her waist.
“Yeah, we do.” Seven replied rubbing her hand soothingly across Raffi’s arm.
They sat together in a haze of peaceful bliss as they watched the stars in the night sky begin to dance overhead. Raffi knew she would never forget this day and every perfect moment they shared. They had come so far. She found it hard to express exactly how much Seven’s words and actions meant to her, but she would find a way.
“Raffi?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know about you, but I’ve got an overwhelming urge to express my undying gratitude…”
“The feelings mutual babe” Raffi stood and held out her hand for Seven to follow. “C’mon, you’re not the only one with a few surprises…”