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Chapter Text

Morax, the oldest of all known gods in Teyvat, had lived for too long. He had even been around since long before the first blood of the Archon War had ever been shed. But as with all other gods of Teyvat, he too had become a part of it but emerged as one of the seven victors.

Now he was Rex Lapis, the Geo Archon of Liyue. He remembered when he saw Barbatos, the Anemo Archon of Mondstadt, descending in a breeze, he thought perhaps his fellow Archon had a crisis back in Mondstadt and was requesting his aid. But he was quite wrong; Barbatos tossed him a bottle of wine, grinning wildly.

“Care for a taste of wine from Mondstadt?”

It took Rex Lapis a moment to register. Barbatos had forsaken his duty of watching over his nation to… deliver a bottle of wine? But Barbatos kept turning back, whether it be just to explore or ask him strange questions (Rex Lapis personally believed it was because of all the wine the Anemo Archon had). To be frank, Rex Lapis could not entirely understand Barbatos, what with his odd braids, teasing voice, and skimpy outfit. But he never caused trouble (somehow), so he never said anything to his odd colleague.

Soon though, the Seven began to gather in Liyue. Rex Lapis remembered these meetings, even how the wines tasted. But of course, nothing lasts forever. Those days had long since gone by, and things have changed since those days. Soon enough, all but he and Barbatos were the only of the original Seven left, for the seats of the others had changed hands and changed hands again. Even his beloved Barbatos had stopped coming to visit him one day.

But one day, he was taking a stroll in Liyue Harbor, walking amongst the milling crowd and the sea of umbrellas to shield the merchants and shop-goers from the drizzle.

Then he heard a merchant, calling to one of his workers, “You’ve finished your duties, go ahead and call it a day.”

It was those words that made the ancient god pause there, as the crowd still milled around him, unaware of his pondering. Had he… finished his duties?

Over the years, Morax had gone by many names over his long life; the Geo Archon, the God of History, the God of Contracts, Groundbreaker, Rex Lapis, Lord of Geo, God of the Stove, God of Commerce, Prime of the Adepti, the Warrior God… and many more.

But now he would go only by one name: Zhongli.

Chapter Text

Zhongli sat at one of the many restaurants at Chihua Rock, drinking a cup of tea and listening to the storyteller tell a legend about Rex Lapis. Of course, this story wasn’t true, though he decided not to ruin the particular experience of the other restaurant-goers. Perhaps he could tell the storyteller after he had finished. But then again, he hadn’t ever really been able to control what his people had believed about him.

“Zhongli!”

Upon his name being called, he instinctively turned his head. To his surprise (though a pleasant one), he saw it was the Traveler, Lumine and her guide, Paimon. Lumine was waving, and Paimon was bobbing along beside her. To be totally honest, Zhongli wasn’t entirely sure what Paimon even was, but she seemed to genuinely want to help Lumine (even if sometimes she was a bit clueless and was a bottomless pit for food).

He smiled, setting down his cup. “Hello, Lumine. How are you? Any luck finding your brother?”

“No,” she sighed, her shoulders drooping a little. But she immediately straightened up and cleared her throat. “Anyway, I came to ask for help with a commission.”

“I’d be happy to help. But are you alright? You smell of wine and you’re slurring a little.” He had a suspicion of why she smelled of alcohol, but he thought it better to prove them true before doing anything.

“Hm? Oh, I’m fine. Mostly just tired from rushing through commissions and a bit frustrated about getting stuck on this one, especially considering its simplicity.”

“Did that bard trick you into getting drunk?” He couldn’t help but scoff a little, thinking of Barbatos and his horrible habits.

“....Which bard? Mondstadt is a city full of bards.”

“You know which one. Barbatos.”

“Oh. No. We were having drinks together, but I just had juice.”

Zhongli, of course, did not believe this. Not that he believed Lumine a liar, but it seemed more likely to him that Barbatos had tricked her into drinking. He picked up his polearm and went off to Mondstadt.

He busted open the door of Angel’s Share open, figuring Barbatos was mostly likely in this tavern; from what Zhongli knew, Angel’s Share was one of the most popular taverns in the city and he knew Barbatos preferred to be rewarded with his performances in alcohol. And of course, he couldn’t be in the other popular tavern, The Cat’s Tail, being that he was deathly allergic to cats.

“VENTI!” (For that was the name he went by nowadays). Venti, on his part, jumped and choked on his drink.

Zhongli went over to him, picking up the bard by his shoulders. “Did you trick the Traveler into getting drunk?!”

“Wha- No!”

Lumine cleared her throat. “Zhongli, the commission-”

“In a moment, Lumine. Besides, you should rest. I’ll brew you a nice cup of tea and I’ll handle your commission for you.” Zhongli turned his attention back to Venti. “I know you tricked her into getting drunk, you depraved drunkard.”

“I did not! I just wanted to hang out with a friend!”

“I smell alcohol on her breath.”

“...Did our drinks get mixed up?”

“How do you even get your drinks mixed up?!”

“I don’t know! But I didn’t do it on purpose!”

Lumine sighed. “Zhongli, can we please just get this commission done?”

“....Fine. What kind of commission is it and where is it?”

“...Getting a cat out of a tree.”

It seemed simple enough, though like all
animals, cats can be a bit unpredictable. On the bright side, this kind of commission would be better on his joints, seeing as it didn't involve fighting hilichurls, abyss mages, or ruin guards.

The cat, on their part, did not seem to like
Lumine. Everytime she would get close, the cat would just get higher up the tree. Zhongli tried his hand, making the 'spspspspspsps' sound to get them to come. Thankfully, they slowly crept closer until Zhongli was able to pick them up. When he did, he reached into one of his jacket pockets and gave the cat a treat.

“So,” he asked, “to whom does this cat
belong?”

“Just some child, I think,” Lumine replied. “I can check the details.”

They went back into the city, where Zhongli handed off the cat to a very relieved little girl. Her parents gave Lumine her reward and she went off to speak to Katheryne.

“Is that all you needed?” he queried. When she nodded, he smiled. “Can I brew you that tea now?”

She sighed, but smiled. “Sure, Zhongli.”

He happily took her back to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, brewing her some tea. “Though he may go around fully clothed instead of running around in basically undergarments, I don't understand how you stand Barbatos.”

She laughed. “Well, he's certainly… interesting. Plus he's very helpful with adventuring with his wind currents and all.”

“Trust me, you'll tire of him soon enough. I should know, I had to spend almost three thousand years with him.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

He raised his brow. “If you say so. Did you need help with anything else?”

“Nope, that was all, thanks Zhongli!” With that, she waved to him and turned to leave.

“No problem, friend,” he smiled. “I hope you find your brother soon.”

Chapter Text

Barbatos had long since stopped coming to the harbor. Therefore, Zhongli no longer had to deal with his annoying presence. Wonderful. And of course, as far as Barbatos knew, Rex Lapis had died so it was unlikely he'd come knocking. But then of course, his whole ordeal in the tavern, he could piece two and two together- Best not worry about it.

But as they say, famous last words. Zhongli was walking along one of the main streets, looking at what the vendors and artisans were selling. Tartaglia wasn't with him today, nor was Lumine and he had forgotten his wallet again, so all he could do was look.

He had noticed Lumine, but she was talking to other people and doing other things so he decided to not bother her that day. But then, oh but then, he heard that infamous 'Ehe~' among the milling crowd.

“Hmph. So that's where the reek of alcohol was coming from.” He was mostly talking to himself of course, but he did try to slip away so Venti wouldn't notice him. Despite being heavily drunk (though not as drunk as Barbatos had been), he still remembered that night with a relative amount of clarity.

Barbatos had come to visit him in the evening, so that the lanterns in the harbor were making the sea glow. As always, he’d brought a bottle of wine to share. They had gotten to reminiscing about the days before war had consumed Teyvat. Though the Archon War had drawn to a close, he still felt a pang in his chest when he thought of Guizhong. Barbatos, in turn, told him of the bard whose likeness he’d taken who had died in the rebellion against Decarabian.

“Seems like we’re just two lonely old men, hmm?” Barbatos asked, taking a swig of wine. “Well, not me. But you’re a fossil, Morax.”

Rex Lapis rolled his eyes. “Where are you going with this?”

Barbatos grinned, his eyes glinting with mischief, no evilness. “I have an idea for a contract~”

“...What?” Surely it was bound to be stupid, but sometimes even fools can have an idea.

“If we’re still lonely in…….. Hmm, two thousand or so years, if we’re still lonely little archons, we get together.”

“...Wasn’t that bard your friend? I don’t see you’d propose this-”

He shrugged. “Well, it would solve the loneliness issue, no? Besides, I’m curious to know what it’s like being married to a blockhead like you. Could be rather interesting, you know.”

“I am not-!”

“Besides, one of us might be with someone by then. And if not, my curiosity is satisfied. I’d say it’s a win-win.”

The one thing Rex Lapis could not remember was why he had agreed to such a stupid thing. Perhaps it was due to the alcohol inhibiting his judgment or he was just trying to humor Barbatos. But no matter the reason, he had agreed and thus, it had been set in stone.

Zhongli wasn’t sure how good Barbatos’s- Venti’s memory was. He had no contracts to remember, and he had gotten very, very drunk that night. And the fact that he’d been Celestia knows where for the last five hundred years since the whole thing with Khaenri’ah.

He tried slipping away into the milling crowd, but he had tarried too long.

Venti did a very over dramatic gasp. “Is that Mr. Zhongli of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor I see?! Long time no see, you old blockhead.”

“.....Don’t call me that. Especially not in public. Now what do you want?”

Venti, still very over dramatic, looked hurt. “What? I can’t just come visit my old friend to catch up?”

Zhongli scoffs. “Don’t you have to be off performing somewhere to earn your wine nowadays?”

“The lovely Lumine asked for my help and I decided to tag along with her to Liyue Harbor. It so happens that I have business to attend to.”

“What, did you want to see if it’s any different getting drunk in Liyue than in Mondstadt? It’s not.”

Venti sighs dramatically. “Do you really think so little of me, old friend?”

“Yes.”

“It hurts, Zhongli, it really does.” Venti feigned looking upset, acting very overdramatic. “Anyway, I came here to ask about a certain contract I made with you.”

Oh no. He knew where this was going. He hadn’t forgotten. It had to be the one contract he’d regretted making, as that had been the only contract he’d made with Barbatos. Well, he had made some others, but those had long since been fulfilled.

“So,” Venti asked, with a great big grin on his face and twisting his braid around one of his fingers. “Have you got a special somebody, or do I get to marry a rock?”

“I do, actually.” Zhongli had absolutely no idea why he had lied, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

“ Oh REALLY now? Who may that lucky person be, I wonder?”

“Tartaglia. That fine young man from Snezhnaya.” Zhongli also had no idea why he’d said Tartaglia, but it would look suspicious if he’d floundered for an answer to such a simple question and the Harbinger had been the first person to pop into his head.

“.......Didn’t he literally try to destroy Liyue with one of the gods you trapped under the ocean?”

He laughed nervously. “It was a… misunderstanding. He really is a fine gentleman, aside from the lust for fighting.”

Venti didn’t look convinced, but said nothing of it. Though, he did raise his eyebrows. “Alright then. If you say so, blockhead.”

Zhongli plastered a smile on his face, though he wasn't sure whether it seemed genuine or not.

“Well, good luck with your Snezhnayan warrior then, Zhongli.” With that, Venti waved and disappeared into the milling crowd with a small breeze.

Zhongli sighed. It seemed he had a monumental task in front of him now; get Tartaglia to agree to this ridiculous scheme. Somehow, fighting against other gods in a giant war seemed so much easier than trying to get someone to fall in love with him. Or at least act like it, anyhow. Surely he could pull it off, as he’d done much harder, more grueling things, not to mention he used to be an archon. Right? And yet, deep down… he’d felt a kind of warm feeling in his chest when Venti had once again returned to Liyue Harbor and was disappointed when he had gone.

Chapter Text

Though he had no work with Hu Tao at the funeral parlor, Zhongli had no time to relax on a day of leisure. He very much hoped that Tartaglia was still in Liyue and had not returned to his icy homeland of Snezhnaya. Being that the eighth Harbinger, La Signora, had obtained his Gnosis via a contract with the Tsaritsa, Zhongli worried Tartaglia had no reason to stay in Liyue. But perhaps the Tsaritsa wished him to oversee the Fatui operations in Liyue. Yet there was another issue; Tartaglia had not totally forgiven Zhongli for deceiving him after the whole ordeal with the Rites of Descension and Parting as well as Osial.

Being that Tartaglia was the way he was, Zhongli seriously doubted that he could just pick out some thoughtful, sentimental gift to apologize to him. …What could he do? He vaguely remembered Lumine mentioning to help that Tartaglia had wanted to fight with him. With what he knew, Tartaglia wanting to fight him was a compliment indeed; he wouldn't challenge those he knew he could beat. Lumine even once told Zhongli that Tartaglia used a bow because he was really not too good at it, so it made his successes with it ever sweeter. Tartaglia was an… interesting character to say the least.

But soon enough, Zhongli spied the Harbinger’s ginger hair from amid the crowd.

He waved. “Tartaglia! I’m surprised to see you’re still in Liyue.”

“Mr. Zhongli? Don’t you have work to be doing at the funeral parlor?” Tartaglia smiled wryly, though a bit irritated. “Or some clever little scheme to cook up?”

“No, I came to talk to you today, actually.”

Tartaglia seemed somewhat taken aback by this. “......Oh?”

“I have… a problem. I’m a man of my word and I had made a contract to marry an old friend of mine if we were both still lonely and the deadline is quickly approaching. So, would you want to go out with me so I don’t have to do this?”

“Alright.”

Wait.
What. Had he… seriously agreed? Wow. Zhongli had expected more persuasion, or having to fight him. Tartaglia truly was an odd fellow.

“It’s just- It’s just for show, so don’t think you can only be with me. We can probably just break it off after the deadline passes.”

“...Okay.”

Zhongli smiled. “Thank you, Tartaglia. You are a lifesaver, truly.”

Right. So that was taken care of, then. He was free, in a way, from his contract with that little drunkard bard. And yet… Why did he feel disappointed at that?

Chapter Text

“Dammit,” Zhongli muttered, wiping his eyeliner off his face for the fifth time.

After further discussion, he and Tartaglia had decided to go out on a “date” this evening and Zhongli fully intended to play it up and make it look believable. So of course, he had to see to it that his red eyeliner looked impeccable and he looked dressed to the nines. Hu Tao was sitting on the nearby sofa, snickering. She was incredibly amused by the fact that Zhongli had procured a date for whatever reason; she had spent the entirety of the day teasing him and interrogating him to find out who his mysterious date was. He fiddled with his earring, making sure it looked perfect, adjusted his rings, and made sure his gloves were secure. Aaaaaaand he was done.

Zhongli waited for Tartaglia at 7:30 at the Wanmin Restaurant as they had decided upon the day before. Not long after Zhongli sat down, Tartaglia joined him, looking surprisingly cheerful for a Fatui Harbinger.

“...I’m surprised you didn’t want to fight me.”

“Oh no, I still do,” Tartaglia smiled. “But it wouldn’t be very good to get all bruised and bloodied up before taking you out on a date, no? I wouldn’t want to mess up your pretty face, especially not for a special occasion like this.”

Zhongli very much doubted Tartaglia could do such damage to him, but he could feel his cheeks turning red because of Tartaglia’s complement of his looks.

When they had ordered (and he’d ordered quite a bit; Xiangling always made everything seem too appetizing to pass up), it occurred to Zhongli that he had forgotten his wallet. “Erm…… You’re paying for this, right?”

Tartaglia raised his brows. “Aren’t you the one who asked me to pretend to date you? But alright, as long as we keep going on dates. And you fight me, of course. I think I’d learn a lot from you.”

“I- Alright-” Zhongli was mostly taken aback by the fact that he’d specifically stated that he wanted to keep this charade up. He couldn’t imagine why Tartaglia was so eager to do these “dates” with him…

He pondered this until the food came and noticed that Tartaglia looked rather dismayed that there was no fork, spoon, or knife. He gulped and picked up the chopsticks, trying to figure them up but they kept slipping through his fingers like eels. Zhongli watched him for a few moments as it always took travelers a bit to figure out chopsticks but… Tartaglia did not. Ten minutes later he was still struggling. It was like… Watching a small child trying to figure out chopsticks for the first time.

Zhongli chuckled. “Do you need help?”

“No-” Cue a few more moments of struggle and then a defeated-looking Tartaglia. “...Yes.”

Zhongli smiled and gently slid the chopsticks out of Tartaglia’s hands and then moved his fingers about so they were positioned properly in his hand. He put his hand over Tartaglia’s, gently guiding it to help him pick up some noodles with the chopsticks. …Perhaps this had not been a half bad idea after all. He noticed he’d started feeling all hot, like he was blushing all over his body and he could feel his heart beating faster.

It was going well until…

Until the octopus made its appearance.

Tartaglia had ordered an array of seafood, unaware of Zhongli’s hatred for it. He tried to play it off, but the scent and look alone of it made him want to vomit. He turned his face away, covering his mouth. Ergh, he was getting flashbacks- Ugh, it was horrible. The scent, the taste, the texture, the look, all of it. He only found seafood tolerable if it had been minced into oblivion in things like tofu.

“Zhongli, are you alright?-” Tartaglia’s voice had a note of concern in it.

“I’m fi-”

“He hates seafood,” a voice said from behind him. The voice of that damned bard.

Chapter Text

Zhongli choked on his wine, looking up and lo and behold, there was Venti. …Why the hell was he here?!

Tartaglia looked at Zhongli, a bit of octopus slipping out of his chopsticks, which Zhongli tried not to gag at. “...Why didn’t you tell me, Zhongli?”

“I just- I-it’s not a big deal, Tartaglia.” He laughed nervously.

“It’s a bigger deal than he wants you to think,” Venti said, rather smugly while twisting one of his damned braids around his delicate little finger.

“If you enjoy it, Tartaglia, I won’t stop you,” Zhongli said evenly, opting to just ignore Venti in the hopes he’d go away.

“What would you like instead, then?” Tartaglia’s cheeks were pink, and he seemed a little bit embarrassed that Venti was just… there.

Zhongli wasn’t looking at Venti, but he could almost feel that eye roll. Ugh. But eventually, thank Celestia, he said “Okay then, I have to go help Lumine with something. See ya later, Mr. Zhongli~”

“We will.” For some reason, those words had come out rather forcefully though he’d never speak to Venti in such a way.

With that… He was gone. Zhongli breathed a sigh of relief and yet somehow, he was disappointed. He couldn’t imagine why he was let down to see that little drunkard bard go. Sighing, he just looked back up at Tartaglia, who seemed a little less embarrassed now.

“You really don’t like seafood, do you?”

Zhongli shook his head. “Not unless it’s been minced into oblivion, like in tofu.”

“...Huh. Why, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“........Bad memories.” Oh, sometimes he really wished his memory wasn’t so good! He still recalled with perfect clarity those foul creatures; squishy exterior, tentacles that could somehow survive being cut off (How?! Why?!), and secreting the most awful fluid. Those things alone made them foul and revolting, but of course, their treachery didn’t end there! They were rather small, enabling them to get into all kinds of nooks and crannies such as the wooden boards of tables and chairs, seams of windows, doors, or curtain folds. Not even books and brushes were safe! At his people’s behest, he had agreed to wipe out the damned things, but they were not so easy to fight as the gods of old. But as the God of Contracts, he was bound to his word so he had to start the grueling campaign of wiping them out one by one. No matter how many years had passed, he still remembered how awful that campaign was and that goo. Ugh. It made him sick thinking about it.

He must’ve been making a face, because even though Tartaglia seemed concerned, he just shrugged.

“But it’s nothing to be concerned about.” Zhongli smiled, swallowing down his nausea.

“...Alright.”

“You look nice tonight.”

“Thanks, you too, Zhongli.”

He chuckled. “Well, I’d hope so, I spent a long time on it!

“Well it paid off.” Tartaglia smiled, putting his hand on Zhongli’s thigh. He wasn’t too fond of this, but it was rather convincing, so Zhongli just let him.

“It better, with the amount of eyeliner that got wasted.”

“...Do you need more?-”

“Thanks, but no, I get my supply from Hu Tao.”

The date seemed to be dragging on forever, somehow. It wasn’t even like it was going terribly; it was all going according to plan! Again Zhongli was reminded of his disappointment that Venti was gone. He really wished that he’d come back, but he was helping Lumine. It was normal to want to see an old friend… right?

Chapter Text

But finally, the date was done and Zhongli collapsed in his apartment above the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. He buried his face in his pillows and just decided to not think about that evening or Venti. Especially not Venti. Or his beautiful voice. And his mischievous, annoying little face and grin. Or his silky soft hair. No, he would not think about him! And then… there were stomping footsteps coming up the stairs. …Was it Hu Tao? Hmm, no he hadn’t bought something that she’d consider “over expensive” and “unnecessary.” At least not recently, anyways.

Before he could contemplate, Lumine slammed the door open. “TARTAGLIA?! TARTAGLIA OUT OF ALL PEOPLE, ZHONGLI?? REALLY?!”

As most people do when their friends randomly burst into your apartment in a rage, Zhongli sat up, extremely confused. “What??”

“HE TRIED TO DROWN LIYUE!! I HAD TO FIGHT HIM! THREE TIMES! I ALMOST DIED!!!” She looked… so mad. “I’m questioning your life choices!”

“I’m only dating him so I can get out of a contract with Venti and he agreed to go along!”

Lumine stopped, her face getting a little less red. “...So you’re not actually dating him?”

“No! It’s just so I don’t have to marry Venti, you psychopath!”

“...Good, because otherwise I would have whacked you.”

“And anyway, I’m pretty sure I can ‘break up’ with him after the date Venti and I agreed upon passes. This is hardly permanent.”

She frowns at him, not looking convinced. “...Alright.”

“Look,” he sighed, “would you want to be married to Venti forever?”

“Relationships are the last thing on my mind, Zhongli!”

“Well, me too, but I was drunk when I made this damn contract! Curse Barbatos and his wines!” He then realized he had made a grave mistake; he had told his plan to someone who could easily (and let’s be honest, would) tell Venti! “Don’t you dare tell him-”

“I have more important things to do.” Lumine rolled her eyes. “And anyways, your contract never said you couldn’t pretend to date someone to get out of the contract if the other person doesn’t know it’s fake, right?”

Huh. He had never considered that. “...I suppose you have a point there.”

“And I doubt you of all people could break a contract even if you wanted to.”

Zhongli sighed. “...And somehow, I miss that drunk little bard.”

Something lit up in Lumine’s eyes but it was gone before Zhongli could decipher it. “Weeeeellll, I could bring him to Liyue more often, though it might just be for commissions sometimes.”

“But me missing him isn’t unexpected since he’s an old friend- But ah yes, bring him here more if you so choose. Though, is he even sober enough to help”

“I mean, he has been?”

“That’s surprising. He used to be so drunk. All the time.”

“He isn’t anymore, I guess…?”

Zhongli smiles. “Though, I will admit he can sing well.”

“Well, he certainly wouldn’t be earning as much wine as he is if he couldn’t sing.”

“I’m rather fond of his voice.”

Lumine smiled. “Maybe he can sing here in Liyue Harbor.”

“Perhaps.” Zhongli simply shrugged. “But at least he’s not wearing that glorified bikini anymore.”

Lumine stared at him like he had two heads.

“You know that outfit he has on on the Mondstadt Statues of the Seven?”

“...Yes? I mean, it’s just a hooded robe, I think-”

“It’s inaccurate. Think of Yanfei's outfit but sluttier. No offense to her, of course. But seriously, it was glorified undergarments.”

“...Wow.”

“I will say, he pulled it off. I’m a little surprised by what he wears now, but he’s got a certain charm to him.” He smiled and he felt his cheeks warming up slightly.

Lumine grinned.

“...What? I don’t like that look-”

“Nothing.”

Zhongli had been alive long enough to know that was definitely bullshit, but he wasn’t sure what Lumine was up to. “Anyway, that contract was foolish. I haven’t loved anyone since Guizhong and I never will. My heart belongs to her and her alone.”

Chapter Text

Zhongli decidedly did NOT trust that look on Lumine’s face or her tone. And yet, he knew he would get nothing out of her. “I’m going to bed.”

“Alright, sweet dreams~”

He huffs and tromped up the stairs to the upstairs apartment Hu Tao let him live in. It was really rather nice that she did, since he didn’t have to pay rent for it and why spend what Mora he had on silly things like real estate when he could buy wonderful things from artisans? Considering everything that had gone down, he practically flopped onto his bed. But despite his exhaustion, he couldn’t sleep. He just kept thinking of Venti. Venti and his singing, Venti and his soft hair, Venti and his cute face, Venti and how he smelled like apples and a summer breeze. Ugh, why couldn’t he get the Anemo Archon out of his head?!

The next day when he stepped out to venture about the harbor, he heard those centuries-old, familiar chords floating in on the sea breeze. It was Venti! Oh Celestia, he hadn’t heard that song in… years. Last time he heard it, it had been during a meeting with the original seven archons. He followed the strains of music to its source, and lo and behold, he was there, strumming his lyre with graceful, thin fingers.

Venti was too absorbed in his song to notice his old friend, but Zhongli leaned against a lantern pole and smiled as Venti continued to play. He played songs from Mondstadt, but they still created deep feelings of nostalgia and yearning in Zhongli. Oh, he missed those days a little. Things had seemed so much simpler then.

Finally, Venti strummed his final notes and finished the song. He looked up and oh no… they made eye contact! Ohhh he was coming over! Zhongli managed (hopefully) to still seem calm and composed on the outside, but on the inside, he was panicking. Argh, why did he feel this way?! He did NOT like Barbatos! He was dating Tartaglia!

Venti raised a delicate brow, giving his signature mischievous grin. “Why, I didn’t think you’d come and listen, you old block!”

“What, I can’t appreciate the arts?!” Zhongli felt his face getting hot. Oh no, was he blushing?!

“I thought you called me a disgrace.”

His face got even hotter. “Y-you heard about that!- I didn’t– I just– It’s only when you’re drunk!”

“Oh, such a shame I drink so much then.”

Zhongli couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

Venti laughs. “Perhaps I can bring you some wine from Mondstadt if you’d like.”

“You already did that. But then you stopped.” Oh how he remembered those days. When Venti had come to Mondstadt on his winds to bring wine, oh that had been his favorite part of his day when he was still Morax. But then… he had stopped coming. The wind no longer blew over Liyue Harbor. Not even a warning or goodbye. There were many times Morax stood at the harbor, waiting for his old friend to show up. But he never did.

“Zhongli? Helloooooo?” Venti waved a hand in front of his face, snapping him back to the present day.

“Oh, sorry, just got a bit distracted I suppose–”

Venti frowned. “...Alright. I just haven’t in a long time, so I figured I’d offer.”

“Well, I can’t really stop you. But… It'd be nice. Like old times.”

“It would be. You wouldn’t look like such a senile old man if I’m there reminiscing with you!”

“I’m not–!” 

“Lumine says that you are.” Venti cleared his throat, dropping the pitch of his voice to sound like Zhongli’s. “‘Osmanthus wine tastes the same as I remember, but where are those who share the memory?’”

Surely there was no scientific way for Zhongli’s face to get even redder, and yet, it did. Venti grinned, his eyes gleaming.

“...I’m never hanging around Lumine ever again.”

Venti laughed. Oh, somehow even his laugh was melodic!

“It’s not funny, Venti!”

“Ah, don’t worry, according to Lumine, you’re not the only one who talks a lot.” Venti was still grinning, but he patted Zhongli’s back.

“Oh, what, does she tell you everything???”

“Nah.” Venti shrugged.

“Well…… she tells me about how she has to drag you out of Angel’s Share so often!”

“So? Angel’s Share has good wine. The best quality wine in all of Mondstadt I tell you, you old fossil. You can’t get better wine anywhere else, I say, that little Ragnvindr kid has really got some talent in him!”

“You sound the same as always.”

Venti stood up on his tiptoes, grinning at Zhongli with a mischievous grin. “As do you, blockhead.”

What was it with Venti constantly calling him names?? He was no blockhead and he wasn’t a fossil! Sure, he was the oldest of The Seven but that didn’t make him ancient! Oh, Barbatos always loved to push his buttons and liked to see how far he could push him.

“At least I’m not a drunkard like you.”

Venti made a face that was so dramatically offended, Zhongli was certain he was feigning. “At least I’m not a fossil like you.”

“At least I have self-respect. But anyway, how come you’re here instead of Mondstadt?”

“Lumine asked if I wanted to go to Liyue and even suggested I play a few tunes from Mondstadt. She thought you might like it.”

So… he’d come to visit? Somehow, Zhongli was rather elated to know that Venti had come to visit, rather than be here for business purposes. Perhaps… Perhaps it would be like the old days again. Perhaps the breeze had started blowing once more.

Chapter Text

Zhongli was snapped out of his thoughts by Venti putting his elbow on his shoulder. “So, any places in Liyue you’d recommend visiting?”

“The ruins. The ruins are most definitely worth looking at. Or Guyun Stone Forest. Or the Chasm if you can get past the Millelith. Though, I must admit, I’m surprised you wouldn’t just stay here and drink wine.”

Venti shrugs, grinning. “I can bring it with me, can’t I?”

“Sure, but then I’ll laugh at you when you mistake a lawachurl for a teddy bear and tell you ‘I told you so.’ Oh, dammit, Hu Tao needs me at the funeral parlor today. But know that I’d laugh my blockheady ass off if I was there.”

“Alright then.” Venti rolled his eyes, but gave a breezy wave and went back to strumming his lyre.

Zhongli turned and walked away, but he could feel that his face was warm thus it was most likely a shade of red. In order to distract himself, he stopped for a cup of tea and a story at a teahouse. The story (which was about him and had some inaccuracies) didn’t distract him. Not even correcting the storyteller took the heat from his face! Thus, he tried his very favorite hobby: shopping. He found some rather intriguing novels, a beautiful vase, an exquisite tea set, and even a little figure of his dragon from, all paid for by the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s funds, of course. But no, not even this helped! He hung his head in defeat and trudged into the parlor, where a certain funeral director was, much to his misfortune. (Zhongli swears he adores Hu Tao, but he knows she’ll tease him to no end if she knew why he was blushing.)

“Hiya, Mr. Zhongli~ Your face is as red as my butterflies, hehe!” Hu Tao bounded up to him with the same mischievous grin as Venti, though hers struck much more fear into him.

“I-it’s nothing! It’s just cold outside!”

“It’s summer.”

“It’s probably from a uhhh… storm?”

“There are barely any clouds. Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuure it’s from outside?”

“YES!” …Oh dear, that had come out much more forcefully than he’d intended.

Hu Tao giggled evilly. “Are you suuuuuure it’s not cause of someone? ” 

“Perhaps it’s from Tartaglia , we’re quite literally dating!”

Hu Tao did not buy his lie and he knew it. There was no way he could get away without her being even more suspicious. And he couldn’t play the sick card, because he knew Hu Tao suspected he was more than just a well-rounded, knowledgeable man. She scraped off some flaking nail polish. “I don’t know, Mr. Zhongli, he just doesn’t seem like your type. And I haven’t seen you guys together or even just him all day.”

“He’s busy,” Zhongli said rather matter-of-factly.

“Alright.” 

Dammit. He knew Hu Tao didn’t believe him! But he could think of nothing else to do that wouldn’t make him look more suspicious. Oh, how much easier would this be if he could just throw his stone spears at something to solve the issue! Guizhong had always been the problem solver, while Zhongli carried out her solution. But alas, this was no such situation, so he just went about his work and ignored Hu Tao.

When the evening set in, he brewed himself some tea to unwind. However, he did notice Hu Tao was nowhere to be found. …That could be nothing good. But he was exhausted and his joints were hurting, so all he could do was just try to put it out of his mind and drink his tea.

But to his surprise, Tartaglia came to visit him in his little apartment above the parlor. As much as he liked the man, he felt a bit irritated. He was just another person he’d have to pretend in front of, and honestly, it was exhausting. Nevertheless, Zhongli put his arm around Tartaglia. That was something couples did. And Hu Tao and Lumine were in his apartment, no doubt looking for cracks in his charade. But he would give them no such thing. He leaned close to Tartaglia, smashing his own lips into the Harbinger’s. Zhongli had no idea if they bought it, but he did at least want them to go away, so he kept his lips firmly glued to Tartaglia’s until he heard the two girls leaving.

When they did, he pulled away from Tartaglia and to Zhongli’s relief, he left soon after. By Celestia, this whole thing was so exhausting… At the very least, it would all be over in a few days. Then he’d go sing to the glaze lilies again. For Guizhong. It would be her birthday soon, after all…

Chapter Text

The next day, Zhongli went down to the Guili Plains. Though he had once ruled this place, he did not like to come here; it filled him with a great longing and sadness for Guizhong. Of course, he would always remember her and treasure her like gold in his memories, but being in the ruins of the place they’d built together often made him feel downcast. But he supposed it was a bit bittersweet; though it made him sad, he could also not help recalling those. She’d always said he looked adorable when he smiled, but he didn’t really see how, considering the intense cat-like eyes and sharp teeth, but to each their own, he supposed. Guizhong had also enjoyed teasing him with puzzles, but would cave and help him if he couldn’t figure it out.

He was broken from his reverie when he saw that damned green bard sitting atop a rock, strumming his lyre with a bottle of wine opened beside him. Zhongli kept his distance to keep Venti from noticing him, which was fairly easy since it seemed he was practicing. …Because of course, he just had to practice where Zhongli was at. Damn Fate.

Zhongli kept going, trying to stay quiet. But, he reasoned, it was rather lovely, even if it was practice so it wouldn’t hurt to stay for a little bit, right? Venti paused to take a drink of wine, so Zhongli took that opportunity to get in a spot where Venti wouldn’t easily see him. When Venti resumed his playing, Zhongli closed his eyes and allowed himself to be carried back to the past. …When did Venti learn old Liyuean songs? …Hmm, no, that didn’t matter; he was enjoying it and Venti was good at it. At times, Venti seemed to struggle, pausing and drinking a sip of wine with a furrowed brow before plucking at the strings again.

Though he was unaware, Zhongli was murmuring to himself about the past, running his hands along the ancient stone. Oh, how he remembered when this had been freshly hewn and Guizhong was coming up with commandments for their people…

Thunk!

What in Celestia?! Zhongli was pulled from his reverie to see Venti face-down in the grass. He immediately turned bright red. How much had Venti heard? What had he heard?? Oh gods… But to his surprise, when the bard got up, he started stumbling off in another direction. Okay, perhaps he shouldn’t have been so quick to damn Fate. He took this opportunity as his getaway and started slowly scooting away.

Venti turned and looked at him, smiling. “I knew I heard your voice, you old blockhead!”

He’d spoken too quickly. Damn Fate was right. Like an embarrassed idiot, Zhongli just smiled stupidly at Venti with hot pink cheeks.

“...How long have you been here though, Zhongli?”

“Oh uh- I- erm… Just passing through!”

“Oh, okay. I was thinking about that other place you’d recommended visiting. Something something Forest?”

“...Guyun Stone Forest?”

“Yeah, that place!”

“Ah, have fun. But watch out for Osial!” he said, in what he hoped was a joking tone.

Venti waved and picked up his things, turning to go. “Bye-bye, Morax~”

Zhongli waved, and his old friend returned the gesture, though he almost walked into a crumbling stone wall as he did so. He almost couldn’t help but chuckle at Venti, though he didn’t feel it too cruel a response since Venti managed to not run smack into it. He considered all that had happened on the long walk back to the funeral parlor, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

Much to his dismay, Hu Tao was also there (though, expected, considering she ran the place). Thankfully, she had mercy on him today and decided not to pester him, so he started brewing some tea.

“Where’s Tartaglia at? I haven’t seen him in a while…” Zhongli asked while he put the teapot on the stove.

“Having his weekly fight with Lumine,” Hu Tao replied as she polished a coffin with an amount of enthusiasm that worried Zhongli.

Zhongli couldn’t help but fret over Tartaglia when he heard that news. The Traveler was becoming a person of great renown and he knew of her disdain for the Harbinger. And on top of that, there was the disapproval of his whole relationship with Tartaglia, even if it was fake. …Tartaglia was going to come out of that fight rather roughed up, Zhongli feared. After about an hour, Tartaglia showed up to Zhongli’s little apartment and Zhongli’s worries were confirmed.

“I’m alright, Zhongli,” Tartaglia tried to reassure him after Zhongli had fretted over him.

Sighing, Zhongli began to patch him up. “...Be more careful, please.”

“How am I supposed to be more careful?”

“...Don’t let her beat you up as much…?”

“I try!”

Zhongli sighed again and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. “You can stay here tonight, if you’d like.”

“Are you sure, Zhongli?”

“Well I’m not going to turn you away when you’re all roughed up like this, am I?”

“...I suppose not.”

Zhongli went back to brewing his tea, but he took care to offer some to Tartaglia, as well as some snacks. Tartaglia accepted and curled up in Zhongli’s lap while Zhongli stroked his hair. This seemed suitably couple-like, right? He could do this. He could. Just a little while longer.

Chapter Text

The next few times Zhongli saw Lumine, he made sure to start doing some serious PDA to make her uncomfortable. …Was that too far? Lumine certainly deserved to be uncomfortable because of all the harassment. But then again, did the random passers-by? Well, probably not. …Ah well, unfortunate collateral damage, Zhongli reasoned. But of course, she still managed to wordlessly harass him. Of course.

When Zhongli was finally Lumine-free, he settled down in a teahouse with Tartaglia. He smiled, drinking in the peacefulness of the environment. But of course, Zhongli could have nothing nice. Noooooooo. Hu Tao came bounding up to him, her eyes glittering.

“Zhongliiiiii~” Hu Tao sang in that sing-songy voice of hers.

He sighed, not necessarily because of Hu Tao, but more so because he wished he could finally have a moment to relax. “Yes, Hu Tao?” 

“I have a new advertisement idea and since you’re my consultant, I wanted to run it past you!” Hu Tao was practically jumping up and down in excitement, rocking back and forth on her tiptoes.

Oh dear. This could either be genius or what the common person would consider “odd” or “insensitive” (and sometimes they were, though Zhongli didn’t have the heart to say it like that). And well… It was a very Hu Tao-ish idea; only Hu Tao could come up with such a wild idea.

“Hu Tao, I mean this with love, no- I don’t think the grieving family of the deceased would really appreciate that-”

“Awww… Darn it.”

Zhongli patted her shoulder. “Why not think on it a bit and we can discuss some more ideas later this evening?”

Hu Tao nodded, seeming amenable to this.

Taking Tartaglia’s hand, Zhongli asked, “Anything else you needed to run by me?”

She shook her head.

“......At least Lumine isn’t around.”

“Why’s that?” Hu Tao queried, tipping her head like a curious child asking their parents a question about an adeptus.

“She keeps giving me these judgy looks and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think she approves of Tartaglia either, so that doesn’t help. And I can’t figure out why Lumine keeps bringing Venti around whenever she knows I’m with Tartaglia!”

Hu Tao gave a weird little smile, but it was gone before Zhongli could really dwell on it too much.

“Anyway, I need to talk to Lumine so she takes it easier on him. …I know it can get intense, but sheesh…. Some of his injuries seem like overkill.”

While still at the teahouse, Zhongli mulled over how to approach Lumine about this. Hu Tao had disappeared again, possibly to think of a new idea to talk to him about a new idea, Zhongli reasoned. The next morning, Zhongli steeled his nerves to go find Lumine, who thankfully happened to be walking around Liyue with Paimon. Together, they looked at what vendors had to offer and occasionally bought things (though Paimon did not get all the food she told Lumine to buy).

Zhongli approached Lumine and cleared his throat. “Stop beating up my boyfriend.”

“He literally agrees to it every single week, and he deserves it.”

“...Okay yes, I realize that, but I’m not stupid, Lumine. I’ve noticed his injuries getting more drastic since I started this whole charade with him.”

“And I don’t approve of it.”

“Lumine,” he sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “We’re both adults.”

“And I don’t approve. And besides, you’re just using Tartaglia to get out of a dumb contract!”

That comment hit him like a squid being thrown at his face. Deep down, perhaps he knew she was right, but he pushed that thought away. “It’s not a permanent relationship!”

“I’m still going to keep fighting him every week, Zhongli. And anyway, I’ll have you know some of his injuries are his own fault; he uses his Delusion against me sometimes.”

Again Zhongli pinched the bridge of his nose– even if he didn’t romantically love Tartaglia, he still understood what those wretched Delusions did. “I suppose I’ll have to talk to him… and I apologize for seeming like I was blaming it all on you; he didn’t tell me about using his Delusion.”

Lumine shrugged. “Paimon, don’t eat that-”

“But anyway, even if you don’t like this relationship, we’re both adults. You can’t really do anything about it.”

“Perhaps not.” Then Lumine’s eyes lit up with an evil glint. She picked him up and threw him into the harbor like a ragdoll! “But I can express my disapproval like that.”

Sputtering and shivering, Zhongli clambered out of the harbor before anything slimy and nasty could come to torment him. “Perhaps I’ll just stay with him.”

Lumine glared at him, to which he glared back. Since he was thrown into the harbor like a beached fish, he was determined to not break eye contact first. And he emerged victorious! HA! That’d show Lumine!

“This isn’t even your life Lumine!” Zhongli yelled, trying to wring seawater out of his jacket.

“YOU’RE MY FRIEND AND THAT MAN TRIED TO DESTROY LIYUE!”

“Aren’t you friends with Ei?!”

“She realized she was wrong, Zhongli! She repealed the Sakoko Decree and the Vision Hunt Decree!”

“Tartaglia has apologized too! Ei literally tried to incinerate you because you threatened her ideal of eternity!”

“She didn’t try to fight me three times!”

“SHE FOUGHT YOU TWICE!”

Zhongli crossed his arms. “You seem relatively fine with the Balladeer, considering he’s done worse than Tartaglia. Did he not have a hand in making and distributing Delusions in Inazuma?”

“He disappeared with Ei’s Gnosis. But I’m gonna beat the shit out of him when I find him.” Lumine glared, but Zhongli felt it unwise to press the matter with the Harbinger and Delusions.

“Didn’t Kaeya lie to you and send you on a wild goose chase to do his dirty work?”

“Okay, it was irritating, but at least he caught the thief he was hunting. Any other points you’d like to fail miserably to make, Zhongli?”

Frustrated, cold, and wet, Zhongli turned and walked away. Perhaps it was childish and petty, but he had nothing else to say to her. But something bothered him. …He was using Tartaglia. But he wasn’t a bad person… was he? Was he really still as brash and ruthless as he had been when he was Morax…?

Chapter Text

Little did Zhongli know, but as soon as he walked away, his lie would quickly begin to crumble; Lumine had gone and told Venti all about Zhongli’s scheme. Of course, he didn’t know this until he’d cozied up in the funeral parlor, drinking tea (to warm himself up and get rid of the taste of disgusting, salty fish-water) and Lumine came in with Venti trotting along behind her. Zhongli immediately got a feeling in his stomach like he’d just swallowed a boulder.

There was still a glimmer of hope for Zhongli though, since Tartaglia had seen him get dumped in the harbor and had come to make sure he was okay. Zhongli stood up and walked over to Tartaglia, with Venti watching him with more attention than he’d ever seen his old friend have. He grabbed Tartaglia’s hand, bringing it up to his lips to give him a kiss. Venti gave Lumine a rather annoyed look before he walked away, with her trailing behind him, trying to get him to see through Zhongli’s lies.

Zhongli should’ve been relieved, but somehow even after Venti was long gone and Tartaglia left, he still felt awful. Why did he feel so awful? The rain lashing the window and the thunder boom did nothing to improve his mood, either. And then it hit him like the wet fish Venti threw at him once when they were both still Archons– This had always been a terrible, terrible idea. Oh, Venti was right to call him a blockhead, wasn’t he? What had made him think this whole, terrible scheme was a good idea?! He wished he could come up with some clever excuse, but deep down he knew it was his own fault. He was the god of contracts, why was he trying so hard to skirt one of his own?! Being god of contracts gave him no excuse to slip out of one! Besides, no matter his feelings for Venti or Guizhong, it was really quite terrible for him to lie to his friend. …But what could he do? Venti had stopped visiting Liyue, so Zhongli would have to make the trip to Mondstadt and he could hardly bear the web of lies he’d created.

……..Oh by Celestia above, he was really considering running out into the pouring rain to look for that damned bard, wasn’t he? And he did. Pulling up his jacket for some meager protection, he plunged into the downpour. It was rather hard to see from all the rain in his eyes, plastering his hair to his forehead and the mud made it a bit difficult to navigate. And of course, to add to his struggle, he had to run across those damned Cryo hilichurls. He managed to make it away unscathed thanks to his shield, but it was rather frustrating trying to run while constantly being frozen. It occurred to Zhongli when he made it to Mondstadt’s bridge that he had no idea where Venti lived. Or even if he had a house. Sopping wet, Zhongli trudged to Angel’s Share, having a strong feeling that Venti would be there. And thank Celestia, he was; looking positively angelic while he strummed his lyre. Zhongli trudged inside, glad he could go somewhere warm and dry.

Despite the storm, the tavern was full of people, all of whom decided to stare at Zhongli when he entered. Including Venti.

“...Zhongli?”

Zhongli stared down at his muddied shoes and the puddle that was beginning to form at his feet, too ashamed to meet Venti’s eyes. “Can we talk? …In private?”

Thankfully, Charles provided Zhongli with a towel to wrap around himself and Venti took him upstairs. It didn’t feel that much more private, since they could probably still be seen from the first floor. But then again, if they weren’t loud, they would probably be drowned out by the chatter of the other patrons. Well, that and the fact that they were probably too drunk to care.

Zhongli finally forced himself to look Venti in the eyes, and Venti was understandably looking very confused. “Lumine was right. I lied to you. …And I’m sorry.”

Venti stared at Zhongli, who forced himself to keep looking at Venti; he deserved to see the hurt and betrayal in Venti’s eyes. “You… fake-dated Childe just so you wouldn’t have to marry me? …I could’ve just let you out of the contract if you didn’t want to marry me so badly.”

He nods miserably. “...I appreciate the sentiment, but that’s not how contracts work. It was wrong of me to try and worm my way out of it, especially as the god of contracts. And it was wrong to lie. …but please know that it’s not your fault.”

“What?”

“I didn’t try to get out of it because I hate the idea of being married to you-” Zhongli took a deep breath, trying to get enough nerve to be able to say what he wanted to. “........I was- I am scared. I lost Guizhong. And Bosacius, Indarias, Bonanus, and Menogias. Marchosius. Rukkhadevata. Makoto. Xiao is still here, but even then, he’s still suffering… I am afraid that I will lose you too if you get too close to me. And… I still love Guizhong, but you, you make me feel things. I… I love you, but it feels like a betrayal to her.”

Chapter Text

Venti seemed surprised at this revelation while Zhongli stared at the dirt, his face burning with shame. After a moment of thinking, Venti spoke. “I think I get it. You’re scared of losing someone else you love.”

Zhongli nodded miserably, still not lifting his gaze.

“I can understand that you know, blockhead.” Venti took Zhongli’s hand, perhaps in an attempt to comfort him. “I haven’t lost as many people as you and it must be awful, but I do know what it feels like to lose someone you care about a lot. And I doubt I’m going anywhere soon. I mean, La Signora did call me a vermin, soooo.”

“.....You don’t know that. And though I hate to admit it, that’s not the only reason.”

“...Okay.”

Zhongli covered his face with his free hand, his face heating up even more, somehow. “And… I just- I- I still love Guizhong, but I like you, I think- I mean, I-I feel the same things around you that Guizhong made me feel- And I promise I’d love Guizhong forever…-”

“You can love multiple people, can’t you?” Venti tipped his head in question. “And I don’t want to put words in Guizhong’s mouth, but I don’t think she’d be happy to see you being all mopey and lonely.”

“I um- I don’t know… But I’m scared of losing you like I lost her. …I don’t know if I have the strength to go through it again, especially if we got exceptionally close…”

Venti put his index finger on his chin, thinking. “Hmmmmm, well how ‘bout this? We’ll get a bit closer and saaaaay, if it’s fine within a month, you can stop worrying.”

“A month is hardly anything, Barbatos.”

“You can worry all you like during that month, but if I’m fine after it, I think I’ve proven I can take care of myself so you won’t need to worry as much.”

“Something could happen to you after that month! Guizhong was fine, until the Archon War.”

Venti smiled a little and chuckled, squeezing Zhongli’s hand. “I doubt we’ll have to worry about another Archon War or anything like it for a while, or ever if we’re lucky. And I survived the first time, didn’t I?”

“Something could still happen.”

“And I can handle it. I’m the Anemo Archon you know, and I haven’t retired, unlike you, old man.”

“Hey, I’m not!-”

“You were the oldest of the Seven before you retired and all, so I think I can call you old man.” Venti grinned, poking his chest.

Still unable to bring himself to meet Venti’s eyes, Zhongli fiddled with his thumb ring and focused intently on his glove. Standing on his tiptoes, Venti gently tipped Zhongli’s chin up a bit so they were making eye contact. “I’ll be fine, Zhongli. And life has been and always will be uncertain, so it’ll always be a bit risky, no matter what.

Given that Venti had wine and was most likely inebriated, Zhongli didn’t expect that he’d be the voice of reason here, but deep down, Zhongli knew he was right. Though, at the moment, he was too flustered to say anything of the sort. Venti poured himself a fresh cup and then poured wine into another, offering it to Zhongli. “Want some?”

“I-is that a good idea? …Us getting drunk is more or less how we ended up where we are right now.”

Venti shrugged, grinning. “Don’t blame wine for you being a blockhead~ And anyway, last time we got drunk we were alone and right now we’re in Angel’s Share, a tavern.”

“We could make another dumb, rash decision if I get drunk too.”

“There are people around.” Venti poured himself another drink.

“We’re pretty much alone upstairs.”

“Alright, that’s fixable,” said Venti, picking up his wine and starting to head downstairs. Not sure what to do, and well, he didn’t want Venti to fall down the stairs, so Zhongli followed him. Venti settled himself at the table he’d been sitting at when Zhongli had arrived, setting down his wines. 

Zhongli sighed; it was here, he might as well enjoy it. Though, he did start downing the wine in an attempt to keep up with Venti and therefore impress him. A few bottles in, he started swaying in his seat as if he was trying to imitate a boat at sea, with a stupid grin plastered on his tan face. He clumsily leaned towards Venti, almost smacking into him. “You’re so hot. Hehe, I just wanna rip your shirt off and put my mouth all over youuuuuuuuuu.”

“Funny you say something about yourself to someone else,” quipped Venti in reply.

Grabbing Venti by the shirt ruffles, Zhongli pulled him across the table. Unfortunately, Venti lost his wine, but he was probably more preoccupied with the fact that Zhongli started passionately (and messily) kissing him. This was, fortunately or unfortunately, short-lived as Diluc Ragnvindr, who happened to be bartending that night, came up to their table. He cleared his throat. “...You both need to leave.”

Being that Venti was also drunk and seeming to enjoy the whole thing, Diluc pried Zhongli off the bard and dragged both of them outside Angel’s Share. While Venti seemed a bit offended, Zhongli was undeterred, though he ended up falling over a table. Seeing their inebriated state, Diluc just sighed; he couldn’t very well leave them here on their own. Thank the Archons, he saw Lumine running around on the rooftops of Mondstadt, doing gods know what. “... Lumine! ”

She glided down from the nearby rooftop. “Yeeeeeeesss…..? Woah, what’s up with them?”

“They’re both drunk as shit. Especially the funeral parlor guy.”

“...Wow. I didn’t think I’d ever see Zhongli actually get drunk.”

“They were very PDA in there. …I think Zhongli knows what Barbatos’s mouth tastes like now, eugh.”

Lumine just stared at them. “How much did they drink??”

“Venti drank more, but as I said, Zhongli is drunker. I guess he doesn’t have as high an alcohol tolerance.”

While the two talked, Zhongli fell over another table. Upon seeing this, Lumine sighed and dragged both gods out of the city. After recovering from his falls, Zhongli tried to get back on top of Venti and grabbed his sleeve. Lumine kept them separated until they’d gotten far enough away from people and Venti had come somewhat to his senses again and then… left. She didn’t want to be a part of that. Almost immediately after she did, Zhongli scrambled to start taking off his gloves, jacket, vest, and shirt, with Venti attempting to stop his strip.

“But you’re so hot right nowwwwwwww.”

“But what if it gets cold?”

Giggling, Zhongli leaned toward him. “It’s Mondstadt. And you can keep me warmmmmmm~”

After weighing his options, Venti just picked him up. “If you’re so determined, why don’t we go back to your place?”

“GOOD IDEA!” Zhongli seemed to perk up.

Stumbling a little at first, Venti got himself steady and then started heading off towards Liyue Harbor. Zhongli began giggling like a schoolgirl. Venti struggled a bit, being drunk and holding someone so big, meanwhile Zhongli seemed to be having the time of his life.

“Where do you live again, Zhongli?”

“Wangsheng Funeral Parlor!”

“I thought you worked there. …Does Hu Tao make you sleep in a coffin or something?-”

“Noooo silly, I live above it!”

“Ah.”

Tracing his finger along Venti’s back, Zhongli giggled again. “You’re so strong~”

“I’m an Archon, I gotta be!”

“Hehehehehe this is gonna be so good~ How good are you in bed, Barbatos?”

Venti shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Boooooooooo.”

“Maybe you’ll have to find out.”

“Ooooooo!~” he giggled.

After wandering around Liyue Harbor for a little while, looking like an idiot and earning both weird and judgemental looks, Venti successfully located the funeral parlor. He dragged Zhongli up to his apartment and as soon as they got inside, Zhongli began unbuttoning his jacket again. Knowing full well Zhongli would absolutely be embarrassed and regretful if Venti let this happen, Venti opted to stop him. Unfortunately, being drunk, his first and only solution was to tackle Zhongli, so he did. Zhongli fell to the floor heavily, unmoving. Venti had begun to panic, worrying that he’d killed his old friend when Zhongli began to snore loudly.

Chapter Text

Now that Venti was sure that he hadn’t killed his future husband, he decided he needed to sleep too and fell asleep, right then and there. On top of Zhongli’s chest. Of course, Venti was drunk too, even if he wasn’t as drunk as Zhongli, but that didn’t mean he could make smart decisions in such a state. About half an hour later, Zhongli rolled over in his sleep, pinning Venti beneath him. And yet somehow, that didn’t wake him up, or at least he wasn’t awake when Hu Tao came by and took a picture of them with a Kamera. At that point, it was the late afternoon and she’d come by to check on them.

Hu Tao knocked on the door. “Mr. Zhongliiiiiiiii.”

In response, all she got was a loud, dragon-like snore. Being his boss, Hu Tao had a key and unlocked the front door of Zhongli’s apartment. Lo and behold, she saw Zhongli laying on top of Venti and drooling.

Quietly, Hu Tao pulled out the Kamera, snapping a photo of them. Zhongli didn’t wake up, only shifting slightly. She didn’t think Venti did either because he was hidden under Zhongli, but she didn’t hear him yelling about being crushed. After getting her picture, she nudged him and he groaned in response.

“Zhongliiiiiii.” Hu Tao poked his face.

He blearily opened his eyes and groaned again.

“Why is that green bard here?”

He rubs his eyes. “...Mmf. Huh?”

Hu Tao pointed at Venti, but Zhongli was still trying to figure out where he was.

“Why are you two on the floor and not on a bed or something?” Hu Tao asked, tilting her head.

“......My head is killing me.”

“You haven’t answered any of my questions, my dear consultant.”

He sighs. “I barely even remember last night, Hu Tao.”

“Is he alive?”

“...What?” Zhongli rubbed his head, groaning.

Hu Tao pointed to Venti.

“Oh um… Maybe?”

“You’re still on top of him.”

“...I feel too much like shit to move.”

Hu Tao rocked forward on the balls of her feet. “You’re going to crush him, he’s tiny compared to you! ……Although, it would be a new client…”

“Hu Tao!”

“Fine, fine.”

Grabbing Zhongli’s wrists, the director pulled him off Venti while her consultant groaned in pain. Somehow, after all of that, Venti was still asleep. Hu Tao nudged him not-so-gently with her foot.

“Yeeeeep, I think we’ve got a new client.”

Zhongli sighed. “He’s not dead. He’s far too warm, and I think you and many other people in the nearby radius would be dead if he died, judging by what happened to Havria’s people after she was killed. He’d probably be wind if he was dead.”

“...Wind?”

“He’s Barbatos. If I made the contract I made with him with a mortal, their bones would have long since turned to dust by now.”

“...Contract? What contract did you make with Barbatos? Something awesome??”

Zhongli explained and Hu Tao started having a giggling fit. “I’d like to see you drunk, Mr. Zhongli! It’s hard to picture! But at least you can be with another old man~”

Before he could come up with a retort, Venti had woken up and was clearly displeased by the fact that he’d been crushed all night. Upon seeing this, Zhongli tries to scoot away like a starfish. Venti and Hu Tao just looked at each other, studying and sizing each other up. A few moments later Venti sat up and leaned towards Hu Tao.

“...What are you doing here?”

“ Well, I’m the 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, and one of my consultants suddenly disappeared, so shouldn’t I come check on him? And you’re Barbatos, and I thought you’d look more intimidating slash godly.”

Feeling too shitty to move anymore, Zhongli stopped. This was a mistake though, since Venti threw his hat at Zhongli for ratting him out to a child. Zhongli just moaned and turned into a little dragon, starting to inchworm his way under the bed.

“Can you explain why my consultant was pancaking you?” Hu Tao asked, to which Venti shook his head.

“I guess I’ll have to come back and check on Zhongli later, since I don’t think he can do much like that.”

Once Hu Tao left, Zhongli made a rather embarrassed noise. “...I’m never coming out again.”

“Why not?” Venti peered under the bed, trying to see Zhongli.

“Blargh,” was Zhongli’s only response.

“Would tea make you feel better?”

“Maybe. …How drunk was I?”

“Very. More than I was.”

“... Did I do anything embarrassing?”

Being less drunk than Zhongli and being able to handle his alcohol better, Venti could decently put together what had happened the night before. Weighing his options, Venti thought about what to do. Having known him for so long, Venti knew Zhongli would be mortified if he knew about how he’d acted the night before. …Maybe telling him was best left for a time when they were more intimate with each other and Zhongli would be less embarrassed by it.

“I don’t know, I was drunk too.”

Zhongli just groaned, so Venti got up and started trying to make Zhongli tea. He became disheartened very quickly when he opened the cabinet with the teas in it; there were about a million different kinds of teas in there! Granted, they were all labeled in neat print, but Venti had no idea what tea Zhongli may want or needed to help with his hangover.

“How many teas do you have?? And is there anything specific you want?” Venti asked, looking back toward the bed.

“Um… I think there’s one that’s good for sobering up.” A noise came from under the bed like Zhongli was moving.

“Zhongli, I don’t know which one that is. You’re the tea connoisseur.”

Since his head hurt too much to think, Zhongli attempted to describe it, while Venti attempted to find it. Upon acquiring what he believed to be the tea Zhongli was describing, Venti started trying to brew it. When he thought it was finished, he poured it in a tea cup and then took it as an offering to Zhongli, the bed dragon. Slowly emerging, Zhongli began to lap up the tea with his tongue. Venti got up on Zhongli’s bed while Zhongli was still drinking the tea. Not having the heart to tell him that the tea was terrible, Zhongli just looked up at him.

“...Your bed is comfy Zhongli.”

Wriggling onto the bed, Zhongli turned back into his human form. “Oh no… That was a bad idea I feel terrible again-”

“Do you want me to get out of your bed?” Venti looked at Zhongli. When Zhongli shrugged, Venti said, “Oh good, because I didn’t want to get out of bed.”

Zhongli moaned.

“Did the tea not work?”

“...Well, I was a dragon and I only had a little.”

“Oh, yeah I guess that would make a difference.”

Not wanting to hurt Venti’s feelings, Zhongli nudged the mostly-full teacup under his bed. “...I regret everything.”

“Mmm, I don’t think you regret everything, just drinking with me probably.”

“...Everything hurts,” Zhongli complained, while Venti stroked his hair. “It feels like I got crushed by a meteor…”

“How long has it been since you last got drunk?”

“...I don’t know, a while? But I remember being able to handle my alcohol better than this.”

“Maybe it’s because you lost your Gnosis? Cause you gave it away, right?” Venti asked, to which Zhongli nodded. 

“...I guess I should be more careful about my alcohol consumption in the future.”

“Why were you even drinking so much so fast anyway?”

Zhongli suddenly became rather sheepish. “...To keep up with you.”

Venti sighed, putting his face in his hand like a softer version of a facepalm. “Morax, you blockhead, I’m an absolute drunkard, of course you couldn’t keep up with me!”

“...Sorry.” Zhongli’s face turned red and he hid his face in the pillow. He groans. “Ugh, I’m sure I made such a fool of myself. And we’re going to be married– I humiliated myself in front of my future husband!-”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure I might have humiliated myself more,” Venti laughed, patting his shoulder.

“...How so?”

“With how much and how often I drink, I think if you took me out of Angel’s Share while I was drunk, I’d just fall over everything.

Zhongli just looked at him and blinked. “I thought you could handle your alcohol well.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t get drunk,” Venti replied.

Feeling a bit better about that particular problem, Zhongli sighed. “I feel like I want to sleep forever.”

“Hey, I’ve slept for a few centuries so I think you can sleep for a bit. Whatever you need to get better, dear.”

Blegh, Zhongli’s throat felt as if he’d just swallowed sandpaper. To help, Venti got him some water, which Zhongli started downing so fast it concerned Venti. Zhongli grudgingly listened to his advice to slow down on his water intake and started making a little nest in his bed. Once he bundled himself in his blankets, Venti laid down beside him and Zhongli rested his head on him.

“Your hair is soft,” Zhongli murmured. “Also, … is this a bad time to mention I think I’m going to throw up?”

Venti just patted him and got up, searching for a bucket. Upon acquiring it, Venti held Zhongli’s hair back for him while he was regurgitating his stomach contents.

Zhongli wiped his mouth and then put his face in his pillow. “...This is embarrassing; I’m acting like a sick dog in front of my future husband.”

“You’re acting as if I haven’t done dumb things in front of you before. And throwing up isn’t embarrassing, it’s just kinda unfortunate and uh, not fun.” Venti rubbed his back. “Besides, isn’t your spouse the person you’re allowed to be dumb and embarrassing in front of?”

He sighed. “I suppose. But honestly, I can’t remember much right now, especially not last night.”

“Well, you were drunk, so that makes sense.”

By Celestia, Venti really did make a good pillow. He was so comfy and Zhongli was so exhausted… Nestling up to him, Zhongli rested his head on Venti and began drifting off.

Chapter Text

In order to sleep off the alcohol and overcome his hangover, Zhongli just stayed in bed most of the day. To his surprise, Venti stayed with him rather than going back to the taverns in Mondstadt. But all in all, Zhongli was glad that Venti was still here, rubbing his back, as well as giving him soup and water. Though Venti didn’t seem too keen on getting under the mountain of blankets Zhongli had constructed for himself, he did stay with him on the bed. That is, until Venti got his shoes, cloak, and hat on.

Zhongli grunts, lifting his head up a bit. “...Where are you going?”

“Just out and about, I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t worry,” Venti grinned at him and, very theatrically, blew Zhongli a kiss.

“Okay…” Zhongli bit his lip.

Zhongli just lay like a miserable, old fossil in bed and sipped his water while waiting for Venti. But thankfully, Venti did return soon. He set his shoes down neatly beside Zhongli’s before hanging up his cloak and hat on the rack. “See, didn’t I tell ya I’d be back soon?”

“Mweh.”

Venti chuckled a bit at Zhongli’s odd noise before sitting back down on the bed. “Still miserable, dear?”

He slowly nodded. “.....I’m never drinking again.”

“Damn.”

“What?–” 

“ I mean, I still like to drink. Dandelion wine is just too good to give up, it’d be a crime!”

“That seems like an over-exaggeration but if you still want to drink, that’s your prerogative. I just don’t care to feel like this again.”

Venti gently brushed a strand of hair out of Zhongli’s face. “Yes, I suppose that’s understandable.”

After a bit, Venti pulled out his lyre and began practicing, playing what Zhongli guessed to be Mondstadt tunes, based on the tune and harmony. Zhongli just watched Venti’s fingers glide from string to string. His movements producing the sound seemed so effortless. He didn’t even seem to make any mistakes! Oh, Venti just seemed so angelic…

“You’re so talented…” Zhongli murmured, not even aware his thought was spilling audibly out of his mouth. He grinned at Venti all starry-eyed, gazing at him like a piece of artwork that Zhongli would spend too much Mora on (from Hu Tao’s wallet) because he just had to have it.

Venti flushed a bit. “Oh ah… thanks, but it’s just practice. You should hear me when I perform for real.”

Zhongli shrugs, shifting closer to Venti. “...Well I like it, and I think it makes me feel a bit better.”

“Well then I guess I’ll have to keep playing, won’t I?” he chuckled.

Venti resumed his playing, so Zhongli nestled up to Venti and closed his eyes. A few songs later, the bard began to play a tune that stirred Zhongli’s memories. Oh, he hadn’t heard this one in so long… But of course, he remembered it. He remembered everything. This song was from when he was Morax and Venti was Barbatos; he remembered that Venti had introduced him to the song the third time he visited Liyue. It began being played quite often, as Zhongli had grown rather fond of it; Venti even played it at gatherings of The Seven sometimes. Oh such memories of days long gone by…

Not really thinking about it, Zhongli began to hum along with Venti off and on quietly. After a moment, Venti stops and peers at Zhongli. He, of course, stopped in his tracks when Venti stopped. Celestia have mercy, he could feel his face getting red…!

“You know, it’s been a while since I’ve played that particular song,” Venti said, tipping his head.

Smiling sheepishly, Zhongli shrugged. “I’m old, what can I say?”

“No no, it’s not that, it’s that I’m getting to be an old fossil. Not nearly as ancient as you, of course, but still old. I mean, you know… last time I played that song, everything was different and we didn’t have to worry as much about things.”

Zhongli raised his brows, smiling wryly. “Except for protecting and running whole nations.”

“Yes, yes, I knooooowwwwww. …Oh, ew , I’m remembering and reminiscing stuff like you!”

Zhongli seemed very unamused at that. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It means I’m getting ooooooolllllllldddddd.”

He just grumbled and scooted away from Venti. “Hmph. It’s still rude.”

“I don’t want to be oooollllldddd.”

“...Tartaglia doesn’t insult my age.”

Grumpy, Zhongli pulls the blanket mountain further over himself.

“Harbinger or not, he’s not immortal.”

“...Well he still doesn’t insult me. Hmph.”

Venti giggled, ruffling Zhongli’s hair. “You can’t get rid of meeeee~”

“...I’m never making a drunken contract again,” Zhongli huffed. “Especially not with twink bards who insult their boyfriends.”

“You can tease me back, you know. There’s got to be something you can make a comeback with.”

“Venti, my brain feels too much like soup for that.”

“Hmm, do you want soup to nourish your soupy brain?”

“...Are you going to keep insulting me?”

“No.”

Venti patted Zhongli’s head and blew him another kiss before getting up to start making the soup. Drawn out by the delicious aroma, Zhongli poked his head out of the blankets. When Venti finished it, he offered it to his big old blanket dragon, who sipped it slowly upon receiving it. Since Zhongli was preoccupied with eating, Venti began to practice again. With the warm soup and Venti’s calm melody, Zhongli became drowsy. He rested his head on Venti’s lap and began snoring like a dragon shortly after.

Chapter Text

Like the tired old man he was, Zhongli slept rather soundly for a few hours. During this time, Venti slipped out of the apartment to attend to some of his bardly duties. Upon waking up, Zhongli was extremely confused when his husband-to-be was nowhere to be found, though he figured that Venti had gone to do… whatever it is he did nowadays. At any rate, Venti would be back and he was feeling better. That was of course, until Zhongli was hit with the unpleasant realization that he was still in a relationship with Tartaglia for all intents and purposes. And so, Zhongli steeled his nerves enough to go and find Tartaglia, finally ending their relationship.

Like the wind, Venti did eventually return to the apartment, only to find Zhongli performing parkour in his apartment like he wasn’t a day over 2,000. Turns out, he was doing it to try to get away from an… octopus?

“GET BACK! GO AWAY! SHOO!” Zhongli screeched, flailing his arm at it.

Venti of course, stood there and watched the whole scene go down like “what the fuck?”

Zhongli whimpered, pressing himself against the wall in an attempt to try to get as far away as possible from the cephalopod. “I WILL THROW SO MANY MOUNTAINS AT YOU!!!”

“...Couldn’t you just kill the thing with your polearm?” Venti asked.

The poor, confused octopus put one of its tentacles on Zhongli’s arm, to which he started screaming bloody murder. Venti drew his bow, almost letting the arrow fly before reconsidering. This little octopus probably had no idea it was traumatizing Zhongli. He gently pried it off his rock and tossed it into the harbor, where it almost immediately disappeared as soon as it landed in the water. Venti kind of felt bad, hoping it wasn’t too traumatized.

When Venti came back to Zhongli’s apartment, Zhongli was whimpering.

“...Are you okay? What happened?–”

Shrinking into a smaller version of his dragon form, he crawled into Venti’s lap and whimpered. “I broke up with Tartaglia. That horrid thing was in here when I came back home!”

“Ah, I see,” Venti said, trying to put Zhongli down on his bed, but Zhongli tightly clung onto Venti with his little talons. Venti sighed and sat down, petting his future husband’s little head 

Letting out a little dragon sigh, Zhongli looked up at Venti. “...I’m sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry?”

“This whole thing is kind of my fault.” Zhongli curled up into a tight little noodle loop. “...All because I tried to go back on my own word and wriggle out of a contract.”

“Oh, it’s okay–” said Venti, patting Zhongli’s head in an attempt to reassure him before trying to uncurl him (which was in vain).

“...No, it’s not. I’m terrible.”

Venti sighed. “It’s not like you didn’t have your reasons.”

“ Bad reasons. I was being a selfish coward, going against my own values.”

Stroking Zhongli’s neck with his thumb, Venti eventually says, “...I can understand being scared, you know. When you lose so many people that are close to you, it can be understandable why you’d be afraid of new relationships.”

Zhongli let out a little rumble before scooting closer to Venti, who put the little dragon in his lap. Curling up like a cat, Zhongli began to let out a rumble that sounded similar to a cat’s purring while Venti rubbed him. They lay like that for a while before Zhongli asked, “...You’ll keep me safe from cephalopods right? And other terrible marine creatures…?”

“Of course, my darling rock.”

“Promise?”

“To the best of my ability, yes.”

“‘As best you can’...?” 

“Well, I mean, I don’t think I’m going to be around you constantly.”

“Then I’ll just never leave you.”

“...Don’t you have a job?”

Zhongli let a little puff of air out of his nostrils. “Mora is just an object. I can make more easily.”

“...I thought you gave away your Gnosis?–” Venti asked, perplexed.

“Ah, shit. You have a point. Hmm… I’ll just get it back from La Signora! Well, really, I think I’d have to talk to the Tsaritsa but I’m sure she’ll be reasonable about it–”

“Zhongli, no–”

“Vacation to Snezhnaya!” 

“ No – Why do you want me specifically to protect you all the time? You have plenty of other people in your life, including more than capable adepti.” 

Blinking, Zhongli gave Venti puppy eyes. “You’re special ~ I mean, we are engaged. I think. By a technicality. And you saved me from my worst enemy; that terrible octopus, so you’re very brave.”

Venti kissed him and Zhongli promptly regained his human form, still sitting in Venti’s lap. Clearly it was of Zhongli’s own volition, as he seemed to not be flustered at all and he just curled up again.

“Blergh, I think I’m still hungover.” Zhongli stuck out his bottom lip, pouting. “I regret everything from that night, even if I don’t remember it.”

“Then how do you regret it?”

“...Well, okay, I regret the drinking . Do you remember anything?”

“Vaguely; we got pretty drunk and then got thrown out of Angel’s Share.”

Zhongli’s cheeks turn pink. “Did anything embarrassing happen?”

“ Something embarrassing probably happened.”

Zhongli buried his face in his hands, embarrassed. Patting his back, Venti said “I’m sure it’s okay, my darling rock. At worst, Diluc will keep a closer eye on me while I’m drinking, but what’s he going to do? Say no to Barbatos? Hehe.”

“...If you got kicked out, how do you know you’re not banned?”

“I can go back and see. You could come too, you know,” Venti suggested, to which Zhongli shook his head. “Alright, I can go alone and tell you how it went.”

With that, Venti gently moved Zhongli off his lap to get up and get his shoes. He kissed Zhongli on the cheek as a goodbye while he started brewing tea.

Chapter Text

While Zhongli continued brewing his tea, Venti entered Angel’s Share. Diluc was behind the bar again, his hair tied up in a high ponytail while he cleaned glasses and looked well, generally displeased with life. He looked up at Venti and paused his cleaning. “Where’s that boytoy of yours?”

“My what?–” Venti’s face went hot, taken aback by the question.

Diluc just looks at him, deadpan. “That man from Liyue who was in here with you last time. Zhongli is his name I think. Talks about wine and Liyue a lot?”

“Yeah that sounds about right. Well, at any rate, he regrets drinking as much as he did?”

“...Just make sure to keep an eye on him when he’s drunk then, because I don’t want to deal with that. Do you want your regular?”

Diluc began hunting for the right wine behind the counter and mixing the drink while Venti hunted for Mora. “You’re really going to make your own beloved Archon pay for his drinks in the land of wine and song?”

“Yes.”

~~~~~~

In the meantime, Zhongli had successfully barricaded himself in his apartment, ensuring neither Tartaglia nor his slimy sea creatures could get into it. Call him a coward, but he did not want the Harbinger subjecting him to more slimy, sticky tentacles or some other horrible marine creature. Lumine, having not seen Zhongli for a while, decided to go check on him (could gods just keel over in their apartments from old age too?). So, with Zhongli hunkered down inside unbeknownst to Lumine, she knocked on the door. “Hello? Zhongli?”

“...Who is it?”

“Lumine.”

“And Paimon too!” Paimon exclaimed, looking miffed at having been left out.

“And Paimon.”

There was silence for a moment before Zhongli spoke again. “...Is Tartaglia with you two?”

“No.”

Zhongli slowly began to remove his barricade with a couple of loud thumps coming from his apartment. But finally, he unlocked his door and opened it, brandishing a frying pan.

“Dude what the hell?–”

“...Bioterrorism.” At Lumine’s perplexed look, Zhongli recounted his nightmarish encounter with the octopus and his rescue by Venti, the brave bard.

“Do you want to beat his ass with me next week? Or have me beat his ass harder to avenge you?”

‘Um, yeah, the second one.”

“Okay, are you willing to leave your apartment? …Without the frying pan, preferably?”

“...I guess if Tartaglia isn’t around.”

Once Lumine confirmed he was in fact not around, Zhongli grabbed his polearm and off they went into the Harbor. Firstly, she took him to get tea and listen to one of those storytellers. It started off all fine and dandy, but Zhongli kept offering corrections to the orator. Lumine tired of this, just wanting to hear the story, whether or not it was accurate, and thus sent Paimon on a very special mission: tug sharply on Zhongli’s ear whenever he went to make another correction. Later on, he had a lengthy conversation with a young man named Musheng, pretending he knew almost nothing about Rex Lapis to let Musheng ramble on, while Zhongli occasionally asked questions. And of course, he got in a few squabbles with historians over whether or not something about Rex Lapis was true, but Lumine eventually managed to pull him away.

He looked at the Traveler. “Did you need help with something, by the way?”

“A few commissions, but they’re nothing hard so I can probably handle them by myself. I just figured we could relax a little since you answered your door with a pan and barricaded yourself inside like there was an apocalypse.”

“...Okay.”

After energizing the old, retired archon with another cup of tea, Lumine started walking around Liyue with him, near all the shops and merchants. Zhongli perused the shops, admiring beautiful porcelain tea sets, carefully created vases, jade jewelry and exquisitely carved statuettes, masterfully painted Liyuean scenery, and so on… Of course, he just had to have it all, given how much work had gone into creating them and how wonderful they all were. Lumine, however, did not agree, seeing as it was her Mora that would be spent on all these things. “No.”

“But look at the expert craftsmanship!” Zhongli protested, almost like a child trying to convince their parents to buy them sweets or a toy.

“I see,” Lumine agreed. “But you don’t need it.”

“Yes I doooooo.”

Lumine promptly starts digging through her bag and pulled out an exquisite pearl, offering it to Zhongli. “Here. Something pretty I found on an adventure of mine. I’m sure I can find you plenty of cool or pretty things on during my travels, too.”

While he had forgotten his own wallet at home, after scrounging around in his many pockets, he pulled out some Mora and offered it to Lumine.

“You don’t need to pay me.”

“But–! Why are you just giving this to me?”

“Cause I don’t need it?”

“It should still be an equivalent exchange,” Zhongli insisted, holding out the Mora. “I am the god of contracts, you know.”

“This isn’t a contract, Zhongli. Think of it as a gift.”

“...Fine.” But being stubborn as he was, he slid the Mora into Lumine’s bag. Being as clever as she was, Lumine found out and sent Paimon on another special mission: sneaking the Mora back into Zhongli’s pockets without him noticing. …And it worked, somehow, though that may have been because Zhongli had gone on a long, in-depth monologue about Liyue’s history. However, Lumine made the mistake of letting Zhongli look at even more shops, leading to Lumine putting a limit on how many items he could buy (which was two).

Zhongli frowns, almost like a pout. “... Hey. I want to buy that!”

“Too bad, you've reached your Thing Limit.”

“But I like this. And this-”

“You like a lot of things, Zhongli. And I don't think you can comfortably fit all this stuff in your apartment.”

He shrugged, seeming unbothered. “Ehhh, I’ll find a way.”

“No you won't, unless you're going to steal it.”

“But Lumiiiineeeeeee.” He stuck out his bottom lip, giving the Traveler puppy eyes.

Lumine sighed, seeming to consider. “Fine. But you only get this if you help me explore a domain.”

“...Go on.”

“Apparently there’s something going on with the leylines in there and the Adventurer’s Guild wanted me to check it out. Some help would be nice, so this is the only reason I’m bargaining with you on this. Next time your Thing Limit is final, okay?”

“Fine, fine, I’ll help. But after this I want to go back to my apartment so I can arrange stuff just right for Venti.”

“Zhongli, I’m pretty sure Venti sleeps in trees and plays for money and food, I don’t think he’ll really be that picky.”

“Exactly, he’s homeless so he needs a nice home!”

Lumine put her face in her hands. “Your house is fine, but fine, whatever, we’ll go back to your apartment when we’re done with this.”

Satisfied by this, Zhongli happily followed Lumine, holding his acquired items and chatting with Paimon about the very best of Liyue’s cuisine, suggesting to her some new restaurants to try. It was a bit of a walk, so Zhongli tried to keep Lumine and Paimon entertained by giving them tidbits of trivia about the surrounding ruins. When they entered Guili Plains, Zhongli switched to talking about Liyuean legends, as he didn’t wish to dredge up memories of his old love.

The domain itself seemed rather nicely preserved with running water and flourishing plantlife, but it made him feel weird; it gave him a weird tingly feeling and his hair standing up on the back of his neck. He pulled out his polearm, thinking it may just be him sensing some hillichurls or other monsters lurking somewhere deeper in the domain. There were indeed a few, but nothing too challenging for him or Lumine, and yet the feeling didn’t dissipate. In fact, it seemed to only get more intense; it had begun feeling like pins and needles.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Zhongli looked over at Lumine. “...This place makes me feel weird.”

“Well yeah, I did say that the leyline was disordered.”

“I know just, eugh–” he shuddered, “It feels bad in here.”

Lumine just shrugged and plunged deeper into the domain, though Zhongli stayed back and took his time with Paimon. The feeling kept getting more and more intense, making him sway. When they seemed to reach the heart of the leyline disorder, Zhongli stopped and started seizing up, feeling as though he was getting pierced by an innumerable amount of white-hot needles. Lumine rushed to her friend’s side, while Paimon zoomed around calling for help. “Zhongli! Zhongli! Are you okay?!”

In far too much pain to form words, Zhongli let out a very animalistic sounding groan. He started to writhe, feeling as though his bones were shifting, elongating, and reconfiguring themselves. It was so bad, he squeezed his eyes shut. Even his skin hurt, feeling itchy, hard, and like it was blistering all at the same time. He yelled in pain, though it sounded very much like a roar. And as quickly as it had started… it was over. His body finally stilled and he panted, trying to get over the pain and the echoing aches of the odd episode.

Lumine knelt down next to him, trying to coax him into talking and to see if he was okay. Breathing heavily, he pulled himself up so he was standing and found that he towered over Lumine and Paimon…

Chapter Text

While he was still trying to come to his senses, Paimon let out a high-pitched yelp and flew behind Lumine as if she was hiding something behind Zhongli.

“What? What is it? Is there a lawachurl or something behind me?” Zhongli asked, unaware that all his friends could hear were a series of rumbles, growls, and small roars.

Lumine looked uneasily at Paimon before looking back at Zhongli. “I can’t understand dragon, I’m sorry–”

A dragon? He wasn’t a dragon. And he certainly wasn’t speaking it. How perplexing… But wait, something still felt wrong. Zhongli looked down at his hands and saw that they had become rather clawish; his hands now resembled his feet when he was in his dragon form. Feeling his face, he felt his snout, his long, tapering whiskers, and his branching horns. Ah, so that weight from behind him must be his tail… But he wasn’t a full dragon, so what happened??? This form felt different from his Exuvia form, so it couldn’t be that… And he was still wearing his jacket and rings, though his gloves were gone. He pulled himself over to a small stream running nearby and used it as a crude mirror, trying to figure out the situation. He was neither really a dragon nor a man, rather, he seemed like he was stuck as a horrible mish-mash of both forms, thus making him look like a very humanoid lizard. He also realized why he seemed to tower over Lumine. Of course, for a moment, he thought they were just tiny, but that was silly. However, he realized that it was the opposite; he was almost twice his size (but not quite).

He lets out a loud moan, hiding his face in his claws. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t go back to Liyue Harbor looking like this; that would blow my cover completely!”

“Do you want to stay in my teapot for a bit? I can make sure it’s private for you. Or, at least, make sure nobody else in there would blab about your identity.”

“Okay,” Zhongli sniffed, beginning to pace around the area. “But I don’t want Venti to see me in such a state. I just couldn’t bear it.”

“...Why not?” 

Zhongli let out an irritated rumble, looking at Lumine like the reason he had was the most obvious thing in all of Teyvat. “Look at me right now, Lumine!”

“Paimon understands,” Paimon said, having finally stopped hiding behind Lumine. “That Tone-Deaf Bard would probably come up with some mean nickname or mock you!”

“Paimon, no, shush–” Lumine swatted at her friend. “Don’t listen to Paimon, Zhongli, she’s just projecting. You and Venti are really good friends and have been for a long time. And besides , you guys are literally going to be getting married eventually.”

“Yes I know that, but I’d still rather not get married while looking at a beast.” Zhongli nervously tugged on his sleeve, since he no longer had any gloves to tug on instead.

“That’s understandable, but surely he should still be able to see you? He’s your fiancé, Zhongli.”

“Our engagement is the whole reason I don’t want him seeing me like this. But can we please just go to the teapot? I don’t want to stay in this wretched place any longer…”

“Fine, fine, but I think he’s probably going to end up seeing you anyway. I think he’s going to be worried that you suddenly disappeared.” Lumine sighed, but rummaged around her bag, pulling out a very nice tea kettle. She held it out to Zhongli, who gently touched it with his claws.

Once arriving in the adeptal abode, Zhongli hid his face in his claws. Again, Lumine sighed, but grabbed his coat and began leading him inside to a room he could use. This was going pretty well until… THUNK! Zhongli let out a pained groan, rubbing his head. Oh dear, it seemed that Lumine hadn’t really considered that Zhongli was now too tall to fit through the mansion’s doorways. Some were still large enough to accommodate him, but it appeared she’d need to do some renovating; she didn’t really want to give the former Geo Archon a concussion. Or brain damage. 

After Zhongli squeezed himself through the front entrance (the double doors made it wide enough for him, but the height of it still presented a bit of a challenge), Lumine offered him a cold pack. “Are you okay?–”

He slowly nodded his head. “...Do you even have a bed big enough for me?”

“Yeah, I have a spare that should work..”

Zhongli pulled on his sleeve again. “...Okay.”

After Lumine got him settled, she left the adeptal realm so she could tell Hu Tao some lie about why Zhongli would be missing some work and then go collect supplies for a small renovation, Lumine had told him. Zhongli just sat in his temporary room, feeling rather miserable. He did this for about fifteen minutes, because at that point, he heard the front doors to the mansion open, but it wasn’t Lumine; he could tell from the sound of the footsteps, they were too light. Well, and he didn’t hear Paimon. He’d definitely hear Paimon. He prayed it wasn’t Venti, but his fears were confirmed when the person called out.

“Lumine! Are you here? I can’t find Zhongli and Hu Tao said he went off with you,” Venti called out, obviously looking around the mansion as Zhongli could still hear him walking. And the footsteps seemed to be getting closer to the room that Zhongli was taking refuge in.

Oh nononononono, Venti could not see him like this! But what could he do?! He was too large to get out of the door quietly, so he could forget about trying to fit out the window. He couldn’t even fit into a good hiding spot in the room! Frantically, he looked around the room, trying to think of something. Seeing the basket of blankets in the corner, he grabbed one and hastily threw it over himself in an attempt to hide. Though as you can imagine, given his size, the blanket didn’t really fully cover him. A few seconds after he’d done this, Venti opened the door and entered the room.

“Zhongliiiii. What’re you doing?”

Trying to pull the blanket over himself fully, Zhongli let out a low rumble. “...Napping?”

“It doesn’t seem like it.” 

To this, Zhongli just started scooting away from the bard, letting out a low whine. Even when Venti tried approaching his fiancé, Zhongli shrank back from him and was still trying to pull the blanket over him entirely. So of course, Venti gently poked Zhongli, to which he let out a squeak. “Come onnn, Zhongli.”

Zhongli merely shook his head, clutching the blanket. Letting out a small sigh, Venti started trying to lift the blanket off, but Zhongli was trying to resist. Zhongli was strong, but fortunately, Venti still possessed strength, too. After a few minutes, Venti was able to see Zhongli’s dragonish face and booped his snout. In response to this, Zhongli hid his face in his claws and attempted to pull the blanket back over his face. But unfortunately for him, Venti was rather determined to see his beloved. Realizing he was losing the battle, Zhongli let out a low rumble.

“Zhongli, come out from there,” Venti said, to which the man shook his head. “Pretty please? It’d really make your fiancé happyyyy~”

“No. Look at me, I look like a beast; I look positively awful.”

Venti gently flicked Zhongli’s snout. “You do not. You look like Zhongli.”

Zhongli just let out a very miserable-sounding rumble, avoiding Venti’s eyes. “...Lumine isn’t here.”

“Well I wasn’t looking for her anyway. I just wanted to see you, really.”

“...I don’t want you, my fiancé, to see me in such a beastly state.”

“Why? What’s so bad about it?”

“I hate it.”

“That’s understandable, but why do you think that means I shouldn’t see you?”

“You shouldn’t have to see your fiancé as such a monster.”

“I’m going to see a lot of your sides and you in a lot of states, seeing as we’re going to be married.”

“Yes, but you wouldn’t have to see this one if it wasn’t for that cursed leyline! So yes, you’re right, but you shouldn’t have ever had to see this one!”

Venti grabbed Zhongli’s snout and tilted it towards himself, forcing Zhongli to look at him. “I still don’t entirely understand why you’re so upset about me seeing you like this, but seeing this side of you born from unusual circumstances doesn’t scare me, you know. I couldn’t ever be terrified of you, or think you a monster. It would take a change of your heart to make me feel that way, not just a change to your physical appearance.”

After finishing his little speech, Venti kissed Zhongli on his snout. The old god seemed flustered by that, so Venti giggled and kissed him again. After a few moments, Zhongli shook his head, seemingly shaking off the embarrassment and rubbed his snout against his beloved’s soft cheek. He then attempted to kiss Venti back, to reciprocate his actions, but Zhongli soon found this to be a difficult feat since he had no lips in this strange form. Unable to think of a better solution, Zhongli opted to lick Venti with his forked, snake-like tongue.

Venti seemed to be considering the experience. “Hm, that was… interesting. It felt like being licked by a snake. And I can’t say I’ve ever been licked by a dragon before; Dvalin definitely wasn’t that affectionate, hehe.”

A bit flustered and embarrassed by that, Zhongli stood up, revealing his full height to Venti.

“Woah, you’re tall.”

“I know, it’s a pain,” Zhongli rumbled, insecure about his new size.

Venti, meanwhile, was rubbing his chin like he was considering a long, complicated equation or a confusing piece of philosophy. “How good do you think the view is from your shoulders? Like, if I got on your shoulders, how far do you think I could see?”

Zhongli’s whiskers flicked, taken aback by Venti’s odd question. “What–?”

“I just wanna know. I’m curious.”

“I can’t even get through normal doorways without hitting my head on the frame. It’s a pain. Literally and metaphorically.”

“Yeah, that definitely would be pretty annoying, huh?”

Zhongli’s tail flicked as he sighed and began tugging on his sleeve again. He seemed uncharacteristically skittish and kept avoiding looking at Venti. He even kept rumbling like a very nervous kitten. “...I hope this goes away soon.”

Using a bit of wind to propel him far enough up to reach Zhongli’s head, Venti patted him right between the horns. “It does seem really inconvenient.”

“...You think so?” Zhongli’s voice was laden with sarcasm. He flopped onto the bed, causing the frame to creak from his weight. “Sorry, I just– Blegh.”

Venti just shrugged in response.

“Do you know if Lumine’s come back yet?”

“I’ve been busy in here talking with you, so no.”

After a few moments of calling out for her, the blonde Traveler appeared in the doorway with her pack of emergency food. “Yeah? Oh hi, Venti. I told you so, Zhongli.”

“...Okay I don’t want to hear it,” Zhongli grumbled. “But can we try to fix this? It’s annoying and I don’t like it.”

“Yeah, sure. I guess it is kind of my fault this happened to you, anyway.”

“...But who could even help with this kind of thing?”

As Lumine considered Zhongli’s question, Zhongli’s tail knocked a flower pot over as it flicked back and forth. Zhongli winced, looking mortified that he’d broken something while being a guest in someone’s house. “...Sorry, I’ll have it replaced–”

“Don’t worry about it, it was kind of ugly anyway, I just didn’t have the heart to tell that to Tubby. But anyway, I think you’re forgetting that I know a lot of people, Zhongli. I think Albedo might be able to help you out; he’s a pretty clever alchemist from Mondstadt.”

Zhongli sighed, stretching out his long neck. “...It’s worth a shot, I suppose. But how am I going to get to Mondstadt without someone seeing me?”

“Waypoints. Besides, he works in Dragonspine most of the time, so I doubt anyone will even be out there except for him and maybe Sucrose.”

“Dragonspine? Blegh, I don’t like that desolate wasteland, it’s too cold for my taste there.”

“Well, too bad, because that’s where Albedo is.”

Venti giggled, grabbing onto Zhongli’s arm. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you warm, ehe~”

And so, the unusual trio (plus Paimon, of course) set off for the icy mountain in search of the reclusive alchemist and hopefully fix Zhongli’s odd situation.

Chapter Text

However, while en route this mysterious Albedo’s desolate, snowy campsite, Zhongli kept trying to make space between him and Venti as he still felt rather insecure and all like this, especially around Venti. For his part though, Venti would always scoot closer to Zhongli to close the gap when the latter moved away. Upon realizing this, Zhongli stepped behind Lumine to use her as a sort of human shield.

Lumine stopped and looked at her dragonish companion. “Why are you hiding behind me? From Venti of all people???”

In response, Zhongli merely gestured to himself.

“He’s literally seen you already. He’s looking at you right now.”

Zhongli stared at the ground, suddenly seeming very interested in an uneven patch of snow on the path in front of him. “...I still hate him seeing me like this, you know.”

“But I’ll miss youuuuuu,” said Venti, sticking his lower lip out in a pout and doing his best to look sad.

“Well, uh… you can still talk to me…?– I mean you don’t have to see me to talk to me.”

“I’ll still miss seeing you, you big blockhead.”

“But I look like this .”

“I’d still miss seeing you. This whole thing isn’t as bad as you think it is. Or at least, I don’t see you in as bad a light as you see yourself.” Venti looked up at Zhongli, sincerity in his eyes.

Zhongli blinked at Venti. “...Why?”

“Well, I mean you are a dragon,” Venti smiled a bit. “I mean, you normally look like a regular human, but you just look more dragon-y now.”

“I suppose, but I’m not really a fan of this whole in-between thing.”

“It’s still you, though.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it. Or that it feels like me.”

Gently propelling himself up to be on eye level with Zhongli, Venti gently planted a kiss on his snout. “It’ll all be alright, Zhongli.”

“...I know.”

Meanwhile, Lumine had already started walking again. “Are we going to go? Paimon is this close to becoming a flying popsicle.”

Shuffling to catch up, Zhongli reached for Venti’s hand, to which Venti happily obliged. Even though Zhongli fretted about hurting his love with his large claws, Venti still held his hand. It took more than that to deter Venti; he was friends with a different dragon, after all. Realizing Venti wouldn’t back down, Zhongli gently squeezed Venti’s hand. Venti squeezed back.

Later on, being that Zhongli was stuck as a very humanoid dragon (aka an over glorified lizard) and therefore cold-blooded, he began to shiver as he tried to keep himself warm with just his jacket and neck fur. Trying to be chivalrous, Venti offered Zhongli his cloak, which he gladly accepted. Unfortunately for Zhongli though… it was really rather small on him at the moment. Since the cloak did little to stave off the cold, Zhongli instead resorted to clinging onto the bard in an attempt to warm himself.

“...Are we almost there?” Zhongli asked Lumine.

“Yes, you’ll be able to get warm soon enough, don’t worry.”

In an attempt to make the most of Venti’s body heat, Zhongli picked up the bard.

Raising his brows, Venti looked at him. “Are you really that cold, Zhongli?”

“...I’m a dragon. I’m most likely cold-blooded right now, so…”

“Okay, that’s a good point, sorry hehe.”

Zhongli looks down at Venti like he just had the realization of a lifetime. “...You’re so little .”

“I am not . I’m not the one who’s like, nine feet tall right now.”

“True, but you’re always small,” Zhongli said, booping Venti’s nose gently with a claw.

“Hey, I am not that little. You’re literally just way above average height, so shush.”

Chuckling a bit, Zhongli booped Venti with his snout. In response, Venti booped Zhongli’s snout back with a smile.

Thankfully, a few minutes later the group reached Albedo’s camp, which was an oasis of warmth for Zhongli. Now having a better source of heat, Zhongli gently set down Venti and huddled up next to one of the fires.

The alchemist Albedo seemed rather mystified at Zhongli, Lumine, Paimon, and Venti’s appearance, though Lumine seemed to be explaining it to him.

Once Albedo was brought up to speed, Zhongli huffed. “How come Lumine or Paimon didn't turn into a hulking beast in that weird domain too, then?”

“Well I’m just a human and Paimon is… well, I don’t know what she is, but the point is, neither of us are an adeptus like you,” Lumine replied.

“I know that, but what’s that got to do with anything?” Zhongli looked at Lumine, perplexed.

“Well, you are and that may play into it. But I’m also not from this world, so that may also be why. And Paimon… Paimon is a mystery I’m not sure we’ll ever unravel.”

Zhongli rumbles in annoyance. “...Well okay fine, but can this alchemist fix me or not?”

During this whole exchange, Albedo had been scribbling down notes in a thick, seemingly well-used notepad. He posed a couple of theories to Zhongli, but to be honest, he didn’t really understand all the alchemical or scientific jargon (though, it looked like Lumine and Venti didn’t either, so that made him feel better).

“So how do we fix it?” Venti asked

Albedo thought for a moment. “One of those theories, most likely.”

“...Well, I’d just like this to be fixed please,” Zhongli rumbled gently.

“And I’m going to try my best to help.”

With that, Albedo went over to a few tables, covered in papers, as well as containers of strange objects or substances, and many, many vials of mystery liquid. While waiting for Albedo to find a solution, Zhongli stroked his tail anxiously. He watched Albedo work, though to be honest, it’s not like he understood much; it was mostly just Albedo pausing to scribble down notes or think, or putting in Celestia knows what into a mixture that would hopefully fix him.

When Zhongli began to ponder how long this whole thing would take, Albedo handed him a vial of mystery liquid; the solution! Zhongli initially had trouble drinking it due to his lack of lips at the moment, though he eventually just waterfalled it into his mouth. He must’ve made some sort of face because Venti chuckled at him. But it was perfectly valid if he was, because it tasted horrible! It was bitter and it burned on the way down. It was even worse than Baizhu’s remedies, and that’s saying something. When he finally managed to gulp it all down, he looked down excitedly and… Disappointment came crashing down on him like his stone spears upon his foes; nothing had changed at all. His disappointment and frustration weighed heavier and heavier with each of Albedo’s concoctions that had no effect until he let out a roar to vent it out. Venti hugged his lover in an attempt to make him feel better, but Zhongli was looking at Albedo, wanting an answer. This may have been in vain though, since Albedo seemed to be deep in thought.

Zhongli grumbled and then sighed. “...Perhaps I shouldn’t have retired.”

“I don’t think it was really bad that you retired,” Venti replied, patting his forearm.

“Well now this has happened, so.”

“I mean, it’s only one thing.”

“And I hate it.”

“It’s still just one thing, and we’re going to find a way to make it go away, okay?”

Admittedly, Zhongli was still rather frustrated and a growl escaped his throat, causing Venti to squeeze Zhongli in reassurance. Albedo had more ideas, but like all the attempts before, nothing worked. With each failed try, Zhongli got more and more sour. After all, Lumine had brought him here to be fixed and he wasn’t being fixed! In his frustration, he growled at Albedo. 

“I never said any of these would work,” the alchemist merely said, shrugging his shoulders and seeming generally unbothered by Zhongli’s plight.

Zhongli growled again. “I don’t want to be stuck like this.”

“And I don’t think you will be,” Albedo responded evenly.

“Even if it’s not permanent, I still don’t want to be stuck like this!” Zhongli snapped, glaring at Albedo.

“Again, I’m trying to help and I didn’t guarantee I could present you with a solution.”

“And I don’t want to be stuck like this!”

“I heard you the first few times.”

Again, Zhongli just growled at Albedo. He then looked at Lumine or Venti, hoping that they would help him out here. But they gave him no help, causing him to growl at them in frustration. “None of you get it; none of you are stuck in the body of a monster!”

“You’re not a monster–” Venti said, squeezing Zhongli again.

“Hmph, well I doubt that other people would see it that way.”

“Does it look like we have a magic solution to this, Zhongli? No, so you’re going to have to sit and wait,” Lumine snapped.

“You don’t get it, Lumine!”

“Maybe I don’t, but that doesn’t excuse the way that you’re acting! Albedo is trying to help you when he doesn’t even have to!”

“I could maybe try some things if all else fails?” Venti suggested, though he didn’t sound very sure of himself.

Before he could dwell on the issue further, Paimon floated over and nestled herself in the crook of Zhongli’s furry, fluffy neck.

Zhongli let out a confused rumble, contorting his neck and angling his head in an attempt to look at Paimon. “What are you doing–?”

“Your fur just looks so warm and fluffy and Paimon was about to turn into a Paimon-sicle!” she exclaimed, grabbing a fistful of fur in each hand (she didn’t tug or yank on it though, so Zhongli suspected she may have been trying to warm her hands).

Paimon’s willingness to get so up close and personal to him made him feel a little better about his monstrous appearance (no offense to Paimon, but she always seemed to put as much distance between herself and monsters as possible). But still, he was feeling rather melancholy about it all and Venti seemed to notice, as he came up and kissed his snout. In fact, Venti was rather willing to completely shower him in affection– Using a small bit of wind to propel himself upwards, Venti firmly planted a kiss between Zhongli’s horns. He then promptly followed Paimon’s suit; he put his face right into the fur on Zhongli’s neck, defending his actions by saying his fur was soft.

Flustered by all the affection, Zhongli rumbled. “...Mmh, to think of what Guizhong would say if she saw me like this.”

“I think she’d say something similar to the things that I’m saying. Even if you’re saying that you look like ‘that’. Heck, I’m sure she’d come up with some clever thing to allow you to drink things easier without lips.”

Zhongli exhaled deeply, his frozen breath curling into the air like plumes of smoke as if he were one of those fire-breathing dragons. “I suppose you have a point. That said, I still don’t love being like this.”

“Do you, er… want some tea?” Venti asked, to which Zhongli nodded after some consideration.

With that,  Venti got up and went to a wooden table with a tea kettle and things that actually looked edible on it. …Though, Albedo did look up occasionally to tell Venti what he could and couldn’t touch, so that didn’t exactly make Zhongli feel… great. But at any rate, Zhongli started to watch Venti starting to prepare the tea. He loved Venti, he did, but sometimes his tea just… wasn’t very good. Thus, he tried to discreetly give Venti little tips to help make it taste better and gently corrected him when he did something that would mess up the taste of the tea. Still waiting for his tea and watching Venti, Zhongli resorted to resting his head on top of Venti’s head, though Venti didn’t seem to mind.

When Zhongli could wait no longer for his tea, Venti presented him with a tea cup. It was hard to use such a small, fragile cup with his large, clawed hands, but he was again presented with the dilemma that he had no lips. He decided to try the waterfall route like he had last time, but he ended up scalding his tongue. Dropping the tea cup into the snow, Zhongli roared in pain and frustration so loudly it sent nearby birds into flight and caused snow to fall from tree branches onto his head. In fact, it even caused Albedo to drop what he was holding, the glass flask cracking and causing some weird yellow-gold liquid leak into the snow. Lumine tried to tell him off for his outburst, but Zhongli roared at her, cutting her off. However, this was decidedly the wrong thing to do, as Lumine was rather tired of Zhongli’s cranky behavior.

“Do you want help or not, Zhongli?!” she yelled. “Because if you’re going to ROAR at me and everyone else who’s trying to help, then you can just go on back to Liyue! Don’t get angry when you have a problem and people can’t fix it, because that’s LIFE!”

Zhongli’s anger was rapidly cooled by the bitter, icy wind blowing against his face and he suddenly felt rather ashamed of how he had acted. He let out a low whine and looked at Albedo, Venti, and Lumine though he couldn’t bring himself to look any of them in the eye. “...I’m sorry.”

“......It’s okay, but just try to not lash out at people,” sighed Lumine.

Albedo, on the other hand, just seemed to shrug it off as he had his face buried in his notes (Zhongli assumed he was still trying to find a solution?).

Zhongli shrank back from the group (including moving Paimon away from his head and neck) and buried his face in his claws, still full of shame from his behavior. He even began letting out roars that sounded rather like sobs after a bit. Lumine sighed and climbed up on Zhongli a bit (so she could be closer to eye-level, you see).

“You’re not a monster, Zhongli,” she said, trying to pry his face out of his claws.

“...I lost my temper at you and Albedo,” he sniffled. “Multiple times.”

“Everyone loses their temper. Even I have.”

“...I still look like a monster, though.”

“Eh, Tartaglia’s Foul Legacy form looks more monster-y than you do right now. And trust me, I know that form preeeetty well. I’ve seen it a few times when we fight.”

“He just looks like a larger human with a mask on though… And he floats, I guess.”

Lumine shrugged. “Well, you’ve also never tried to kill me, so you win points in that category.”

For some reason, despite himself, he couldn’t help but chuckle. But even still, his tail swished through the snow in his nervousness.

Once more Zhongli buried his snout in Venti’s chest and rumbled. “...I hate being this big because you’re so little . This whole thing is just overall very negative. Zero out of ten experience.” 

Venti chuckles a little at Zhongli’s comment, but pat Zhongli’s fluffy head. Meanwhile, Zhongli was looking at the alchemist, who was trying a few more things to attempt to fix Zhongli’s situation. But alas, those new attempts were in vain, causing Zhongli to loudly grumble. 

“Your idea didn’t work, Lumine,” rumbled Zhongli.

“...Yes, I see that,” Lumine sighed.

“Well now what??”

“I… don’t know. Nobody’s ever turned into anything before in a domain, so…”

Zhongli growled. “Most domains don’t have broken leyline. It’s really rather annoying that I’m the only one that this has happened to.”

“Well I’m sorry Zhongli, but there’s really nothing I can do about it right now. Let me think about it a little more; I’m sure I know someone else who might be able to help.” Lumine patted Zhongli’s forearm.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have retired,” he sighed. “Perhaps this is the universe telling me I made a mistake.”

“Your retirement was fine– I think you might’ve needed it anyway,” said Venti.

Zhongli cleared his throat. “Obviously it was not fine. …Perhaps I could make another contract with the Tsaritsa for my Gnosis.”

“But I thought you retired because you were tired, didn’t you?”

“I retired because Liyue didn’t need me anymore.”

“You still retired for a reason.”

Grumbling, Zhongli crossed his arms. “I’d rather have my Gnosis back if things like this are going to happen to me.”

“Paimon and Lumine will get to Snezhnaya eventually!” Paimon interjected (Zhongli guessed she may be trying to defend or make Lumine look good, but he wasn’t really sure).

“...I don’t think I really want to wait on that, sorry,” Zhongli replied, shifting on his feet.

“Okay, fair,” said Lumine.

At this point, Zhongli really just wanted to go home, but Albedo was still scribbling in his notebook. In fact, he was doing that for so long his assistant, a Miss Sucrose, offered the group some warm stew and apple cider. She seemed as clever as Albedo, but unlike him, she was just straight up shy (rather than just not wanting to be social). He did have a rather nice conversation with her though.

After a while, they’d been in Dragonspine for so long that Zhongli wondered if he’d ever not be cold again. In fact, he was shivering so intensely that he was making Venti vibrate. Thankfully though, Venti used the fires to warm his winds so that he could wrap his fiancé in a small cyclone of warm wind. Zhongli rumbled, nudging Venti with his snout and nuzzling him with his neck fur as thanks to him.

Thankfully though, when Zhongli really started getting irritated and bored out of his mind, Albedo looked up from his notebook and announced, “I have some theories about what happened.”

Chapter Text

Upon hearing this, Zhongli immediately perked up, his tail wagging like an excited dog. His excitement soon faded, though since Albedo was talking in a bunch of scientific and alchemist jargon. But thankfully Lumine politely asked Albedo to explain in more simple terms.

“I think it may likely have to do with the loss of your Gnosis,” he said, checking his notes. “If you parted with it recently, it may just be that your body is trying to adjust to function without it and it just didn’t mix well with a disordered Leyline, like an allergic reaction, if you will.

Zhongli chuckled awkwardly, clacking his talons together. “What? Nooo I don’t have a Gnosis–”

“You mentioned giving one away.”

“I think you’re mistaken; I’m just a normal human man from Liyue who enjoys things that normal human men do.” Zhongli tried to give a convincing smile, but it didn’t really come out that way, seeing as he was currently a humanoid lizard. Playing dumb would work, right?

“You mentioned having a Gnosis and that you gave it away in a contract,” Albedo replied, reiterating what he’d already said.

“Noooooo.” (Yes, he had definitely said that).

“You look like the Exuvia that descends annually for the Rite of Descension. Up until his ah… death.”

“Coincidence…?” Zhongli, chuckled nervously. Seeing that he could not convince Albedo, he looked at Venti for help. Unfortunately… Venti also looked like he had no idea how to convince Albedo. So then, he looked at Lumine and Paimon. 

Lumine just shrugged. “He’s the smart one.”

“Okay, so?” Zhongli asked, crossing his arms.

“He’s going to figure it out.”

“I am NOT Rex Lapis!”

“Well… the evidence says otherwise,” replied Albedo.

…Okay, yeah, he wasn’t getting out of this one. Zhongli could probably yell himself hoarse that he wasn’t Rex Lapis but he bet Albedo could probably produce a whole academic paper about why Zhongli was Rex Lapis. This worried him, though. If this random Mondstadter could figure it out, did that mean Liyueans could figure it out? He had retired to finally have peace and quiet and he definitely did not want his people to think that he’d just carelessly abandoned them.

“...Well then what has this got to do with the Gnosis?” Zhongli asked, gesturing to his dragonish self.

“It’s possible that your body is just simply trying to adjust to the loss of it and I suppose a disordered Leyline may have thrown things off-kilter. There are visible, recordable changes when people lose their Visions, so it seems reasonable for me to come to the conclusion that the same may be true of Gnoses.”

“But Venti hasn’t had anything like this happen to him.”

“...I also haven’t gone somewhere with weird leylines, so–” interjected Venti.

Zhongli grumbled, his whiskers going a little droopy. “So what am I supposed to do, then?”

“Probably wait until it wears off?” Lumine suggested, to which Paimon nodded in agreement.

“Must I?” Shifting restlessly, Zhongli looked down at the short little alchemist.

“Unfortunately yes, until I have a solution that actually works,” he said. “Though, Lumine has a point; it’s possible that it may just go away on its own with time.”

“...How long might that take?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know, sorry.”

Zhongli growled in annoyance, but he knew it was unfair to lash out at Albedo. He was trying, at least, and that was something. Especially considering the fact that Albedo didn’t even have to help. Really, he was just frustrated at his situation. Right now, he would really just rather be back in his normal, preferred form that he used nowadays. Hell, he’d even prefer being just a small little dragon over this, but whatever.

“Well what am I meant to do until this is fixed? I can hardly go around Liyue looking like some mutant form of Rex Lapis.”

Lumine promptly held up her teapot, looking rather proud of herself (though Zhongli wasn’t sure if it was because of her hard work on her teapot or because of her suggestion). Since there was nothing left for them in the hellscape that was Dragonspine, all that was left to do was return to the teapot. Zhongli was rather thankful for this though, as he was freezing his tail off. He clung to Venti as they shuffled into the teapot’s mansion. In exhaustion and annoyance, Zhongli flopped onto his bed. There was a loud creak. …And the bed broke under Zhongli’s immense weight. 

Chapter Text

After a few roars of frustration, Venti patted his head sympathetically.

“...Sorry, Lumine,” Zhongli rumbled.

“It’s fine. I’ll just fix it later.”

Zhongli winced, rubbing the soft part of his hand… Oh, no, not a splinter! Venti tried to inspect Zhongli’s hand, but he tried pulling his hand away from the bard. He curls his hand up, but winces. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Venti saw the splinter and started trying to get it out.

“Ow ow ow, it hurts!” Zhongli curled his hand up, his claws protecting the tender skin around the wound. Venti gently apologized, but Zhongli pulled his hand away from his fiancé.

“It needs to be pulled out,” Venti said, trying to uncurl Zhongli’s claws. The large dragon shook his head, causing Venti to sigh. “It’s going to just keep hurting if it doesn’t get pulled out.”

In response, Zhongli just growled at his beloved. Venti looked unamused. However, this did not cause Zhongli to stop growling or uncurl his claws.

“Zhongli, it needs to be pulled out,” Venti said, firmly.

In response, Zhongli merely just scooted away and kept up his growling. Sighing, Venti tried to get closer to his fiancé, but Zhongli just moved away everytime Venti tried to get closer. Wrapping his tail around Venti, the “late” Geo Archon picked him up and moved him further away and tapped him on the head with the end of his tail. However, since Zhongli was so focused on making sure Venti didn’t get close, this left a giant opening for Lumine. Backing up, she ran towards Zhongli as fast as she could manage in such a short space and jumped on him. 

Unfortunately… she failed to consider Zhongli’s increased mass at the moment. She merely just… clung to Zhongli’s chest uselessly. He roared in annoyance, trying to shake the Traveler off but she stubbornly clung to his fur. Even Paimon was holding onto Zhongli, tugging on his fur! He shook his head to try to get them off, like he’s trying to rid himself of pesky flies. Venti began to blow Zhongli backwards with a gust of wind. Roaring, Zhongli tried to resist and brace himself against the gale. With his great size, he was able to resist for a moment but eventually, he toppled over.

Grunting, Zhongli hit the ground hard so hard the floor shook and caused a loud thud . Knowing that there was no escaping from the tree, he clamped his hand closed more tightly over his splinter. However, this just caused him more pain; the splinter just pressed deeper into his palm and he whimpered in pain.

Lumine grabbed Zhongli’s hand, trying to pry his claws apart. “Give me or Venti your hand, Zhongli.”

Zhongli just shook his head and growled, curling his hand even tighter.

“Stop it, Zhongli,” said Venti, scooting up closer to his partner. “You’re just going to be in pain for longer if you don’t let us help.”

This, however, did not sway the ever-stubborn Zhongli. “No. It’s going to be much more painful!”

“...for a shorter amount of time.”

“But much more painful.”

“Not for as long, though.”

“...I don’t know.”

“Please, my love?”

In response, Zhongli just let out a low, worried rumble.

“I’ll give you a cool thing from my adventures,” offered Lumine.

Zhongli shook his head.

“Paimon will share some of her best snacks with you, Mr. Zhongli!”

Again, the dragon-man declined, shaking his head. Unfortunately for Lumine and Paimon, it didn’t really matter what they offered; he wasn’t quite as inclined to agree to such painful things when he wasn’t being bribed by his darling fiancé. Clever as ever, Venti’s eyes lit up with an idea. “I could sing for you.”

Zhongli was listening now. “...What song?”

“Whatever song you’d like, Zhongli.”

“So, you’d play my favorite one?”

“If that’s what you want, sure.”

Sufficiently bribed, Zhongli uncurled his hand and winced. Slowly and carefully, Venti began trying to pry out the splinter with the seriousness of a surgeon. Through quite a lot of whimpering and squirming, Venti finally managed to pull the big, bad splinter out and promptly disposed of it. Afterwards, Venti began peppering Zhongli’s snout in kisses to help cheer up his dragon. He then finished his feel-better kisses and started tenderly bandaging Zhongli’s hand.

Zhongli winced, clutching his hand and sniffing. “Are you going to sing for me now?”

The little green bard nodded and pulled out his lyre.

“...It still hurts,” Zhongli sniffled.

“What, do you want Venti to kiss your boo-boo?” Lumine rolled her eyes.

“Maybe I do, and what’s the problem with that?” retorted the old man.

“You fought in the– You know what, nevermind, I have other things to do.” 

With that, Lumine turned on her heel and left. Meanwhile, Venti planted a light, tender kiss on Zhongli’s claws. While Venti tuned his lyre, Zhongli laid his head in Venti’s lap. As he began to play an old ballad from a little after the Archon War, Zhongli began to rumble gently along with the harmony of Venti’s singing. Zhongli closed his eyes shut and curled up, trying to lay in Venti’s lap like some kind of lap dog or cat, though he was very unsuccessful at this given his size. And of course, Venti was being squished by this (unintentionally and unbeknownst to Zhongli).

“Zhongli, please– You’re squishing me–” Venti puffed, his face getting a little red from lack of air.

“Sorry, I just wanted to cuddle.”

“We can, we just can’t do it that way.”

“...I don’t have a bed anymore though. And I could possibly destroy another.”

“Well, we can still use this one if you’re really worried about that. The mattress is still intact, after all,” Venti said, tipping his head.

“But it could be full of splinters and I do not want another one,” huffed Zhongli.

“We can clean it up. Besides,” Venti tapped the tip of Zhongli’s rough, scaly snout. “You’re covered in scales, so you’re pretty well protected.”

This did not do much to make Zhongli less hesitant. “But not all of me, obviously. And you aren’t covered in scales at all.”

Giggling, Venti bounced over to the mattress. “I won’t, I can take care of myself, you know.”

It took around forty-five minutes to clean up (though part of that was just Zhongli being reassured that the mattress was indeed splinter-free). Afterwards, Zhongli found himself rather tired and began trying to figure out how to get his clothes off in this new form so he could go to bed. It was only 9:30, but Zhongli liked to get plenty of sleep and he liked to get up early. He sighed. “I may not be a monster, but I certainly don’t feel handsome like this.”

Venti smiled. “You’re still lovely, Zhongli.”

“Hardly.” He gestured to himself. “This doesn’t exactly seem ‘lovely.’”

In response, Venti kissed his fingers and tapped Zhongli’s snout with them. 

Before Zhongli could retort to Venti’s claims of his loveliness, he got rather distracted with something else. He stretched and craned his snake-like neck to peer down at his chest. “...Huh… I’m a reptilian, why do I still have pectorals…?”

Venti merely shrugged while Zhongli experimentally poked at his chest with a talon. Grinning in a very mischievous, pixie-ish fashion, Venti giggled, “At least you still got your tits.”

Floored, Zhongli just… stared, trying to process the words that had just been said to him. “...Excuse me?”

Smiling, Venti just repeated himself. Zhongli hoped that by just blankly staring at Venti, that he may explain himself and what in Teyvat he even meant with that statement. But did Venti do that? Of course not. Part of the issue lay in the fact that Zhongli didn’t know much of the “hip sayings” or slang nowadays, despite the effort of Hu Tao, Xiangling, Xingqiu, and Chongyun. Thusly, he kept staring down his snout at Venti.

“It’s something inappropriate isn’t it, Venti?”

Venti seemed amused by the whole situation. “I’m referring to your chest, dear.”

“But why do you care that I still possess these ‘tits’?” 

“Because they’re pretty great.”

“...It’s just my chest…? I don’t see how it could be great. Or much of anything, really.”

In response, Venti just poked his fiancé’s chest, which just deepened Zhongli’s confusion.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No. I just wanted to poke it, hehe.”

“You still haven’t told me what’s so great about them, you know.”

“They just are , Zhongli, you know?”

“...No.” Realizing that this wasn’t going anywhere and he was getting more and more bewildered the longer this particular topic kept being discussed, Zhongli just clambered onto his mattress. Taking this as the cue for bedtime, Venti began readying himself for bed as well. Upon finishing, he settled into bed next to Zhongli while Zhongli scooted up to him. Wrapping his tail around Venti’s thigh and torso, Zhongli put his head up next to Venti and began rumbling gently again, somewhat akin to that of a cat purr. Venti giggled and kissed him on the crown of the head, running his hands through Zhongli’s neck fur like he was petting a long-haired cat. Zhongli then opened his mouth wide and… yawned.

“Well,” Zhongli said, after having finished his yawn. “I definitely don’t want to get married like this; I’m not very handsome like this.”

“...I don’t really think that’s really a good basis for not getting married, but anyway, you look plenty fine.”

“I do want to get married. Just not like this.”

“Alright alright–”

“...Do you think Lumine is going to make us get married?”

“Not like this if you’re seriously uncomfortable with it.”

“I meant when this whole ordeal finally straightens itself out. Can she do that?”

“...Probably.”

Zhongli seemed to doubt this, but somehow, Lumine appeared in the doorway like some horrible phantom of holidays past. “YES I CAN, ZHONGLI!”

In the following moment, Zhongli let out a very unholy roar that sounded more like a screech.

“Look, I’m not going to make you do it right now, but soon. It will happen. I’m not taking God knows how long out of my travels just to make old men get to second base.”

“Soon?”

“Soon. Now go to bed, you’re old. You need it.”

Zhongli let out a nervous squeak. “How? And when?”

“I’ll figure it out. And soon. Not a century ‘soon’, but regular people soon. …Are you okay?”

“...I’m just nervous.”

“Well I’m not going to be doing anything in regards to you and Venti for a bit if that’s what you’re worried about. And I’m going to reiterate: by bit, I do not mean a century or something like that. You only get a respite because I have other things to do. Just go back to bed, Zhongli.”

In an attempt to reassure him, Venti patted Zhongli’s head and rubbed his horns. In turn, Zhongli just sighed and readjusted himself in bed, taking up most of the mattress (though that was not his intention– he was merely just trying to make himself comfortable). Curling up, Zhongli’s tail once again wrapped around Venti’s thighs and abdomen.

“... Sorry– I can’t control the tail–”

“It’s okay,” Venti chuckled, touching the fuzzy tip of the tail as it brushed his cheek. Zhongli tried to stop his tail from moving, though it seemed to mostly be in vain. Why, the tail just seemed to have a mind of its own! Meanwhile, Venti just played with the tail by poking at it whenever it touched his face. In turn, the tail flicked back and forth when Venti poked it. But Zhongli thankfully managed to get his wily tail under control and unwrapped it from around Venti, while Zhongli profusely apologized. Yawning nice and wide, showing off all his teeth like a dog yawning, he laid his head down next to Venti’s and promptly started to snore. He even wrapped his arms around Venti and squeezed him like some sort of stuffed animal.

Chapter Text

Zhongli was an early riser. As such, he was often the one to prepare morning tea and breakfast. Unfortunately… due to his current state, he was having some difficulty, to say the least. For one, his large claws posed an issue with the delicate china.

“...What are you doing?” Lumine asked, coming in.

“Trying to make breakfast. And tea.”

Thankfully, Lumine came to help him, though he couldn’t help but be a little miffed. Not at the Traveler of course, just at his current situation and the fact that he needed help with such a mundane task in the first place. He sighed, “Sorry that you have to do this for me. I really hope that this wears off soon.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing, Zhongli. I don’t mind helping out my friends, you know. I mean, what are friends for, after all?”

“Alright, if you insist, I suppose…? Though, I do have a question to ask you, if I may.”

“Okay, you don’t have to be so formal about it, but go ahead– shoot.”

“...Is it normal for fiancés to comment about your erm, chest?”

Lumine stared at him. “Why do you think I would know that, Zhongli? I don’t even have a boyfriend or girlfriend, Grandpa. And why are you even asking that???”

“Venti said he liked my chest because it’s ‘great’ apparently. And he also used the term ‘tits’ when referring to my pectorals.”

“I… cannot help you there, Zhongli. I’m as confused as you are.”

Lumine had finished breakfast and began plating the food to serve it. Zhongli attempted to help but was struggling to do so; not because Lumine refused to let him, but rather because his large claws were still making things awkward to maneuver with delicateness or grace. While the two were focused on finishing the final flourishes on breakfast, Venti had woken up. He then proceeded to sneak up on Zhongli and launched himself on the dragon-man from behind, wrapping his arms around his fiancé. Zhongli rumbled in surprise while Venti burst into a fit of laughter and started peppering him with kisses.

“Hehe, I got you!” Venti announced, still laughing. “Good morninggggggg, Zhongliiiii.”

The corners of Zhongli’s mouth turned up in a small, amused smile. He slowly shifted Venti so that he could see his face and bumped his snout against Venti’s cheek. “Good morning, Venti.”

“It’s odd to see how much you’ve changed, Zhongli,” Lumine said, taking the teapot off the stove as it started to whistle.

“What on earth do you mean?” Zhongli asked, blinking in confusion.

“Well you know, just the fact that you were so opposed to dating him and now you’re all lovey-dovey. Hell, a few days ago you were even worried that he wouldn’t like you anymore.”

“...I suppose I’ve liked him for a while, but I’m finally admitting it. Though, part of it was just because I was trying to get over my pining, considering the fact the man I was pining over disappeared for five hundred years and I had no reason to think he would come back.” He looked pointedly at Venti when he said that.

“Ehe…” Venti chuckled awkwardly. “Sorry about that. And that was unintentional by the way, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that.”

Zhongli sighed. “It’s… fine. Just don’t do it again, please.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t, you old sentimental blockhead.” Venti then promptly burst into another fit of giggles and kissed Zhongli on the snout. “Hehe, you liiiiiiike meeeee!”

Being so flustered by that, Zhongli’s whiskers stuck out completely straight like arrows. Venti giggled while Zhongli attempted to fix his agitated whiskers. Smiling, Venti kissed both whiskers and managed to smooth out the whiskers.

“Okay, not be homophobic, but,” Lumine said. “If you guys don’t stop being so gross I’m going to kick you out of my house and I’m gonna have this whole breakfast all to myself.”

“And Paimon!” Lumine’s little floating companion added.

“And Paimon.”

“Boo, you’re no fun,” Venti grumbled, sliding off of Zhongli. Sliding out a chair for Zhongli, they all sat and began to eat breakfast and drink Zhongli’s tea. Though, because of Zhongli’s lack of lips, he was struggling to drink his beloved beverage. Venti slowly offered him a straw after watching him struggle for a bit. Even with the straw, he was still struggling a bit, but it was an improvement from not being able to drink at all.

“Paimon wants to know if you two have any plans for the day!” Paimon asked in between bites of omelet.

“Well, it’s not like I can really do my job or go out in public at all while I’m stuck like this,” Zhongli said, sighing.

“Normally I just hang out during the day and go to Angel’s Share, though I don’t think you’d really want to do that,” Venti replied, taking a swig of orange juice.

“...No offense, but I really do not want to go to Angel’s Share right now.”

“I figured that, but we can still hang out.” Before Zhongli could protest, Venti smiled and continued, “It would be somewhere that people wouldn’t be, just somewhere out in the wild.”

“But what would we do? I don’t know if I can really do much like this.”

“I think there’s still a decent amount you could do, Zhongli. Like, you know, just hang out, maybe around Springvale and Windrise. I would’ve thought you were old enough to just sit and chill.”

“Okay, ignoring the snipe at my age, I suppose we can if you’re sure nobody will see me.”

“I promise.”

Despite his nervousness, Zhongli conceded. After helping pick up breakfast, the pair set out from Lumine’s adept teapot. Zhongli slowly twined his claws around Venti’s fingers with so much restraint it was worrisome– he was rather worried about accidentally scratching Venti. On the other hand, Venti did not seem worried at all, as he just squeezed Zhongli’s hand tight. The longer Venti held his hand, the less worried Zhongli got. He even started letting out soft rumbles.

While walking, Zhongli noticed a particularly lovely-looking windwheel aster spinning serenely in the breeze. He pulled his hand out of Venti’s and crouched, gently plucking the aster out of the ground with his talons. Slowly standing up and straightening himself up, he offered the flower to Venti. Smiling, Venti took the flower from Zhongli and kissed his cheek. And my, if draconic Zhongli could blush, he would be redder than Diluc Ragnvindr’s hair! Thoroughly flustered, Zhongli hid his face in his talons while Venti giggled and tapped Zhongli’s snout. Slowly, Zhongli peeked out from between his fingers at Venti.

“You’re so adorable, you know?” he chuckled.

“...I’m sorry, adorable ???”

“Yep!”

Zhongli let out a strong puff of air out of his nostrils. “Rex Lapis is NOT adorable.”

“Perhaps, but Zhongli definitely is.”

“Zhongli, consultant of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, is not adorable either.”

“Oh he most certainly is~”

“Venti I have slaughtered so many gods during the Archon War–”

“We have both killed, Zhongli?”

“My point is that I’m not adorable.” Zhongli bared his teeth. “Besides, weren’t you napping during the Archon War?”

“No, that was after the Cataclysm.”

“Fine, fine, but I am not ADORABLE– People didn’t call me the Warrior God or Groundbreaker for no reason, you know!”

“Well normal people haven’t spent centuries around you.”

“And?”

“I’ve known you and who you are for longer and I think I can say that I know you better than most. At the very least I’m the very best at pushing your buttons!” Venti giggled, pulling Zhongli closer by his tie.

Zhongli grumbled. “Well, whatever, I’m still not adorable.”

“You still have to admit I’m one of the people that knows you best,” smiled Venti.

“...True, I suppose. But then again that may be that you’re the only one who has also survived this long. And unfortunately, you’re always so adept at getting on my nerves.”

“Mmm I know , my darling little dragon.”

Grinning wryly (for a dragon), Zhongli said, “You know, if you’re not careful you’re going to end up like Osial; squashed beneath some stone spears.”

“If you can catch me!” Venti laughed, taking Zhongli’s tie. “You’re a fossil and a rock! And I’m a wind spirit, I could certainly get away!”

Suddenly, Zhongli lunged forward and snapped his jaws shut…! On Venti’s hat. He lifted up the green camp in his mouth, looking triumphant. “See? I’m still extremely spry, Barbatos.”

Venti crossed his arms, offended. “I need a warning; your rocks are slow enough for me to get away in time.”

“I wouldn’t give you a warning, that’s not how it works!”

Venti just pried his hat out of his fiancé’s razor sharp teeth, managing to not rip it. He flicked Zhongli’s snout gently, who looked deeply offended. “Go back into the dark, dusty recesses of Zhongli’s mind, Morax.”

“Just say I’m not cute or adorable.” 

“You know I’m just pushing your buttons, right? You know I love youuuuuu.” Venti squeezed Zhongli’s scaly, reptilian cheeks. 

“Okay fine, I’ll just get you to take it back some other day. …And I love you too, dearest.” 

Zhongli sighed, inhaling so deeply through his nostrils that his whiskers quivered as he did it. Admitting defeat, he stooped down to pick another windwheel aster. He turned his face away like a bashful schoolgirl, holding it out to Venti. He was also very careful to not hurt Venti with his large, sharp claws. Venti takes it and smiles, most certainly appreciative. Leaning down again, Zhongli began to pick more. In fact, he picked so many Venti could make a bouquet or flower crown. In fact, Venti even promised that he'd put them in a vase.

As an alternative to kissing, Zhongli gently booped Venti on the lips with the tip of his snout. This seemingly small act of affection caused Zhongli’s whiskers to stick straight out, seeing as he couldn’t blush as a dragon when his skin was covered in scales. Amused, Venti kissed him again to see what would happen. The result? Zhongli’s whiskers stuck straight out once more. Venti was still amused, but still felt some pity for his poor, flustered husband. Gently taking Zhongli’s claws, he gave them a kiss. Once more, Zhongli’s whiskers stuck out once more. Venti then grabbed a whisker, sticking out his top lip and draping the whisker across it like a mustache.

“Oui oui, Zhongli! I am Fontainian Venti!”

“What are you doing?”

Venti giggled. “I’m just playing with your whiskers a little. Just for funsies, you know. Hehe~”

In response, Zhongli places a Cecilia in Venti’s hair, right above his left ear and nestled in his braid. Drinking in how lovely Venti looked at the moment, Zhongli rumbled gently. “Do you like it?”

“Very much so, thank you. A lovely flower from a lovely fiancé.”

“Also, I’d uh… like to say thank you for staying with me in this ah, situation.” Zhongli tugged nervously on his sleeves. “Forgive me for asking, but you won’t leave, will you?”

“Of course not, silly! It takes a lot to get rid of a pest like me, you know.”

“...I suppose I’m just worried because we’re vastly different– stark opposites.”

“And yet, I’ve stuck with you so far,” Venti reminded him.

“I know but,” Zhongli sighed. “You’re free-flowing wind and I’m unmoving rock.”

“Funny how I’m still here when you’re so worried about it. And yet, here I am, still here even after centuries.”

“I thought I was the only one left now–” Zhongli’s voice caught. “I thought you died in the Cataclysm until I heard about what happened in Mondstadt with Dvalin.”

“It takes more than that to kill me.” Venti smiled, but Zhongli did not return the emotion.

“I saw neither hide nor hair of you and even the wind grew painfully silent. I waited for so long, hoping to hear you in it, but I did not. I missed you. I mean, osmanthus wine tastes the same as I remember, but where were those who share the memory?”

“Right hereeee~”

Zhongli crossed his arms, still somewhat upset. He was now no longer looking at Venti and his tail acted as a barrier between the two. “Well you weren’t for a very long time. How am I supposed to know you’re not going to do something like that again?”

Trying to gently move Zhongli’s tail, Venti seemed to be in thought. “...Well now I have more of a reason not to, don’t I?”

  Zhongli considered this. He wasn’t entirely convinced, but he just sighed. Beginning to pull on his sleeves, he began steeling himself through his nerves to admit what he was thinking. “....I'm sorry, I just don't want to go through that again. If it hurt that much when we were just friends, how much more will it ache when we're married?”

“I don’t intend to do it again.”

Really, Zhongli was still worried, but Venti seemed sincere about the fact that he really wouldn’t want to pull such a stunt again. He gently nudged Venti’s cheek with his snout and even gave him a little lick that Venti chuckled at. Smiling a little, Zhongli wrapped his tail around Venti and began letting out very purr-like rumbles.

In about five minutes though, he let out a very disconcerted rumble. “The sun’s going down and I’m getting a bit chilly. Mm, being a lizard really has its drawbacks.”

Venti wrapped his clock around Zhongli to help warm him. “Fair enough. Do you want to go back to Liyue then?”

“I can’t really go back to Liyue looking like this,” Zhongli said, pointing to his dragonish face. “I really hope this resolves itself soon. I would not relish being stuck like this.”

“I don’t think you will, even if it’s from a disordered Leyline,” reassured Venti.

“But theoretically, if I was, you’d stay with me, right?”

Venti laughed, smiling. “Of course Zhongli. You’re my rock, no matter what.”

“I’m sorry… your ‘rock?’ Why am I a rock?”

“Geo archonnnn.”

“What does that have to do with being a rock?”

“You’re kidding right?” Venti burst into a small fit of giggles, cupping Zhongli’s face. “Oh, my poor, darling Zhongli, you’ve not got a thought behind your eyes, have you?”

“I– what?”

“You’re my rock because you know, geo, rock.”

Zhongli’s eyes widened with realization. “Oh. OH, I got it!”

“Thereeeee you go.” Venti patted his cheek.

Chapter Text

A little while later, Zhongli and Venti were discussing what to do next. Thankfully, Lumine happened to come along through Windrise, hunting for slimes.

“Hey Lumine, do you have the Teapot on you?” Zhongli called out to her, after she had promptly beat the shit out of a Hydro slime.

Lumine nodded and began rummaging through her bag that seemed to defy all logic (I mean, she had so, so many things that didn’t seem like it should all fit in that little bag). After a few seconds, she triumphantly held up the Serenitea Pot with one hand. Zhongli then promptly entered the adeptal abode and… promptly smacked his head into the doorway.

“...Ow,” Zhongli rumbled, rubbing the spots on his horns that rammed into the doorway. “Ugh, my head…”

Venti patted his head encouragingly while Zhongli let out a small rumble of pain. After a few moments, he took a deep breath and started wedging himself through the door and repeated this process once he reached his bedroom. Upon successfully entering his room, he sank down onto his mattress while looking rather grumpy. His grumpy expression did not last long though, as he soon let out a large yawn. Venti giggled, scratching Zhongli’s chin. “Is it bedtime for someone, hehe?”

Zhongli raised his brows at this, but decided to just let it go and get ready for bed. Venti also began his personal ritual for bed. Having finished his bedtime routine, Zhongli curled up on the bed (still taking up most of it) and waited for Venti. Thankfully, Venti joined his cuddle-starved fiancé in the bed. Zhongli curled up around Venti and began cuddling his beloved like a stuffed animal. Venti, for his part, did not seem to mind this at all and seemed to be rather enjoying it. Taking advantage of his proximity to Zhongli’s fuzzy neck and buried his face in the soft, silky fur. After a while, the two gods fell asleep like that.  Later, Paimon floated in with Lumine to ask Zhongli a question.

Lumine nudged Paimon, smiling a little. “Just let them be for now. I’m sure you can ask Zhongli in the morning.”

“...Well, Paimon does think they look pretty comfy like that.”

Lumine did pull her Kamera and snap a picture though. For posterity, you know. And as they say, pictures make it last longer.

…

In the morning, Zhongli was once again attempting to brew tea, but struggling due to his claws. A few minutes later, Venti approached and offered to help.

Zhongli’s whiskers flicked in surprise. “I’m sorry my love, did I wake you up? I made extra sure to not hit my head on the doorway this morning.”

“Ever the gentleman aren’t you?” Venti giggled. “But no, you didn’t wake me up. I just got up early. Maybe your old man habits are just starting to rub off on me hehe.”

Zhongli rolled his eyes at that last comment. Stubbornly, he moved to block Venti from the tea and continued trying to do it himself. This however, just led to several minutes of struggling. Finally, Zhongli just put his pride aside and moved to let Venti help. He did however, begin to give Venti very detailed, specific instructions since he’d rather prefer the tea to be drinkable and not… tasteless. Satisfied by his work, Venti set the teacup proudly in front of his beloved dragon. Zhongli however, just stared, realizing his predicament: he had no lips and thus could not sip the tea as the cup was designed to be used.

“Oh, sorry, here–” Venti handed Zhongli a straw.

Success! Zhongli gently blew on his tea to cool it off a bit and began to savor his tea rather satisfied. “Where’s Lumine?”

“I have no idea!” Venti replied cheerfully.

“Well… I definitely feel her presence.” He looked around, but when this failed, he flicked his tongue out and sniffed the air. She did soon turn up though, almost as if she was summoned by the mention of her. “Hello Lumine. Do you want some tea?”

“Hey. And sure tea sounds nice,” Lumine replied, setting some of her stuff down. “So how’s the wedding planning going?”

Zhongli jumped, his whiskers going completely straight again and even spilled his tea on himself. “W-what?”

“The wedding stuff. For your wedding.”

“Erm, no…?”

“What? I asked how it was going, and that answer didn't make any sense.”

Zhongli looked at Venti who just said, “Yes.”

“That’s not at all helpful,” said Lumine, looking mildly irritated.

“Well… we haven’t got anything,” Zhongli admitted.

“You should probably work on that then.”

“I– um– YOU should probably work on that!”

“Do you really want me to plan your wedding?”

Zhongli bolted, trying to get away from Lumine but she grabbed his wrist. She dug her nails in, somehow managing to keep him from wriggling away. She looked a little more annoyed now, saying, “You can’t keep procrastinating!”

Managing to get away from Lumine, Zhongli tried to hide himself under Lumine’s sofa. However… given his size, he didn’t really fit under the couch. This didn’t stop him from trying though, but he ended up causing the sofa’s legs to er, lose contact with the ground. Sighing, Venti went over to Zhongli and knelt down. “You’re too big to fit under the couch, Zhongli.”

“I know, but I don’t want Lumine to see me.” Zhongli didn’t quite look at Venti.

“Well you’re failing because I can still see you,” Lumine cut in dryly.

Ignoring Lumine’s comment, Venti looked at Zhongli. “Why don’t you want her to see you?”

“So she won’t ask about wedding stuff. If I’m here, she can’t do anything.”

One of the things sticking out from under the couch was Zhongli’s tail. Taking advantage of this, Lumine grabbed it. And promptly began dragging Zhongli out from underneath her sofa. Zhongli roared in protest and tried to free himself to no avail. “Let go! How are you even dragging me?!”

“Are you really surprised, Zhongli? I fought the Raiden Shogun and lived, dude.”

Zhongli roared once more, still trying to attempt to get free. This however, was in vain. Lumine finally pulled him completely out from underneath the couch. Zhongli hid his face in his claws in embarrassment. “What was that for, Lumine???”

“Because you were hiding and lifting my sofa up off the floor,” she replied, matter-of-factly.

“You were talking about wedding planning and it was freaking me out!”

“Well you need to calm down,” Lumine flicked Zhongli’s snout.

“Erm, well, I think I have a date in mind,” Zhongli said hesitantly, when Lumine looked at him expectantly. “Next century!”

“ Absolutely not . That’s too far in the future.”

Zhongli huffed. “Is not. That’s soon. And you know, in a hundred years, I’ll be mentally prepared for it and all.”

“Prepare mentally FASTER!”

“WELL WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST THEN, SMARTY-PANTS YOUNGSTER?!” exclaimed Zhongli.

“WEDDING SOONER AND STOP PROCRASTINATING, ANCIENT ROCK.”

Zhongli merely roared in response, his anxiety causings his whiskers and neck fur to flare. Upon seeing his dear, distressed dragon, Venti went up to Zhongli. He tried smoothing out the fur and whiskers, but to no avail. Zhongli was snorting like a wild horse, but he did hope that Venti could manage to calm him down. Unfortunately, both had different ideas for how to calm Zhongli down…

“I could calm you down,” Venti smiled mischievously. “By topping you!”

Upon hearing that, Lumine covered Paimon’s ears and left. She did not want to hear or be a part of that. Meanwhile, Zhongli was more or less short-circuiting and his whiskers were as straight as his stone spears once more. After a few moments he began to stammer out, “I- …W-what?” 

Venti merely repeated himself.

“...But I’m a dragon. And a lot bigger than you. I could crush you–”

“So what if you’re a big dragon? You’re still my fiancé that I love. And crushing is a risk I’m willing to take. What a way to go.”

Highly flustered, Zhongli hid his face in his claws. “Well erm… as touched as I am that you’re trying to calm me down, I’d rather wait to do er, that until I’m back to normal. …But you could be intimate and show affection in other ways?” 

Venti smiled, patting Zhongli’s soft, fluffy neck. Taking great care to be gentle, Zhongli picked up Venti and set him in bed. He then began taking off his layers of shirts and vests, exposing his bare, scaly chest. After finally getting all his shirt layers off, he crawled into the bed next to Venti and began to cuddle him. Zhongli eventually settled his head on Venti’s abdomen between his thighs after some shifting to find a comfortable position.

Zhongli rumbled gently, like a cat purring. “...Sorry, I’m still worried about being married. And well, losing you.”

“I don’t think you need to be,” Venti replied, patting Zhongli’s head. “And I don’t think you’re going to lose me.”

“Well, er, I’m also not sure if I’ll be very good at the whole husband thing. And I know you think that I won’t be, but remember how I was in the Archon War? Not to mention, Guizhong was really my only romantic experience before this.”

“I’ve not had a romantic experience, so you’ve got more than me. Fitting for a grandpa, no?”

Zhongli was unimpressed. “Haha, very funny. But anyway, I also just… don’t know if I deserve you.”

“What do you mean?” Venti raised his brows. “What in Teyvat are you even talking about?”

“I just mean the fact that I tried so desperately to wriggle out of our contracts when I am quite literally the god of contracts,” he sighed. “And you know, the slaughter of countless gods.”

Venti shrugged. “I already told you that I don’t have hard feelings about that since it was because you were nervous. And as for your bloodshed, well, I think I know you well enough to confidently say that you were doing what you had to do to protect and preserve your and Guizhong’s people. I may have called you a blockheaded brute, but you’re not a violent or bad man, Zhongli.”

“You’re still pretty quick to remind me that I’m an ancient blockhead. What’s a creaky old man supposed to do with a younger god like you?”

“I’m just teasing my love.” Venti stroked Zhongli’s snout. “But I’m not really young either. If it makes you feel better, I’m an ancient drunkard, heh.”

Having no other kind of rebuttal, Zhongli just resorted to saying, “I just don’t know if I’m deserving of your love, Barbatos.”

Venti smiled, squeezing Zhongli’s face. “You’re still my favorite rock.”

“Wh-what? I’m not a rock–”

“My favorite Zhongli then.”

“I’m fairly certain I’m the only Zhongli you know.”

“Favorite archon. And my favorite rooooock~”

“I’m better than a rock.”

“A rock with bonus features,” Venti grinned.

“Am I at least one of those nice, pretty rocks? Because I am pretty. Not right now, but usually I am.”

As Venti patted Zhongli’s head, he began to purr like a cat once again. He nuzzled his head up in the crook of Venti’s neck and gazed up at his fiancé with his large amber eyes. Venti, for his part, seemed to rather adore that as he kissed Zhongli’s snout. In return, Zhongli purred like a very large, scaly cat. His rumbles however, were soon interrupted by a biiiiig yawn.

“Is it bedtime for my favorite rock?” Venti smiled.

Sleepily, Zhongli nodded before beginning to cuddle up against Venti. When he made himself suitably comfortable, he closed his eyes. He soon began to snore after he fell asleep. Somehow, through Zhongli’s earth-shaking snores, Venti managed to fall asleep too.

Chapter Text

In the morning, Zhongli found himself in his perfectly normal, human form. He was rather delighted by this and so he stood, standing in front of the mirror and examined his chest. Sighing happily, he examined his now perfectly human hands (save for the unique coloring and patterning on them, of course). This whole examination was partially vain preening, but it was also to ensure that everything was all back to normal. There was some rustling coming from their shared bed, but Zhongli was too absorbed in his current task to notice that Venti was waking up.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you without a shirt.” Venti’s voice snapped Zhongli back into reality and made him jump a bit. Realizing that Venti was awake and staring at Zhongli’s bare back, Zhongli promptly felt his cheeks become very, very hot. He then began scrambling to find a shirt to put on and try to hide his furious blushing.

Venti grinned. “You’re acting like I’ve never seen you shirtless before. Remember when you always had your chest out?”

“Well things have changed– I’ve changed– It’s not proper ,” stammered Zhongli.

“It’s just you and I in here.”

“We’re not even married!” Zhongli said, sounding properly scandalized. “It’s improper!”

“So?”

Zhongli stared at Venti, trying to come up with a good rebuttal. He could not scrounge anything up from the recesses of his brain, though. When he couldn’t form an argument, his cheeks just turned even redder to match how flustered he was. Smiling, Venti got up from bed and crossed the room, taking Zhongli’s hands. Venti ran his delicate fingers over Zhongli’s rough hands, seeming to admire them. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen your hands, you know.”

“…They’re just my hands? Is something wrong with them–?” 

“No, they’re quite nice actually. I just don’t see them often because you always wear gloves.”

Zhongli raised his brow at Venti. “Well this kind of thing would tend to turn heads, you know. …Anyway, I should really find a shirt; I need to get back to the funeral parlor and talk to Hu Tao. To be honest, I’m not sure if Director Hu will be relieved that I’ve returned after my unexplained disappearance or disappointed that she can’t hold a funeral service for me. …She’s an odd girl, that child.”

“She seems to be,” Venti replied, handing Zhongli one of his shirts.

“She’s endearing in her own way, but it’s just hard to match her energy sometimes, you know? It’s hard to keep up with her.”

“It’s probably because you’re an old man,” Venti said wisely.

Zhongli huffed, highly unamused. “Haha, very funny, you drunkard.”

The bard smiled, causing Zhongli to smile too. His happiness had always been infectious, after all. “Hey, I see that smile, Zhongli!”

“Hmph, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Rolling his eyes, Venti stood on the bed and put his fingers in the corner of Zhongli’s mouth to widen his fiancé’s smile.

“What in Teyvat are you doing?” Zhongli’s words came out rather garbled, since Venti’s fingers were more or less in his mouth.

“Making you smiiiiiilleee.”

“Why?”

“Because I like my fiancé's smile!” said Venti, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You're handsome like a prince out of the ballads people ask me to sing.”

Zhongli smiled genuinely, taking Venti’s hand and kissing it. “I'm glad you think so, my love. Now, as much as I'd love to stay here and relax with you, I really do have to go.”

Venti made an exaggerated pout. “Aw, if you say so.”

Chuckling, Zhongli pressed a kiss to Venti’s cheek. “I'll see you later.”

“Have a good day at work, blockhead~”

Rolling his eyes (but grinning), Zhongli left the teapot and set out for Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. On the way, he was in such high spirits that he softly whistled one of Venti’s songs. The Funeral Parlor was pretty much the same as he'd left it. Zhongli sighed, thinking about how much work he'd have to make up. It made him a little exhausted just thinking about it. After adjusting his tie, Zhongli opened the door and stepped inside. He could see Hu Tao from here, playing about with her little ghost thing. She didn’t seem to notice him. Though he decided to wait a few moments for her to notice, she did not notice him and he resolved to clear his throat to get her attention. “I’m back, Director Hu.”

Hu Tao immediately jumped up and ran over to Zhongli, throwing her arms around him. “Yay! My favorite consultant is back! …Aww wait, that means I can't have a funeral for you. But at least I know you're not dead!”

“Seems like I was right on the money, then. But am I really your favorite?”

Gasping dramatically, Hu Tao feigned offense. “Are you accusing me of being a liar, Mr. Zhongli? I'm wounded!”

“You and Venti are going to be the death of me,” grumbled Zhongli.

“That just means more business for meeeeee~ But of course you're my favorite! And you're one of my best consultants!”

“Well, I am very knowledgeable, after all.”

Hu Tao giggled. “I think you could put someone to sleep with how much you know.”

“Again, you and Venti–” Zhongli just rolled his eyes. “Anyway, what do you want me to do now that I'm back?”

“Uhh the work that you missed? Duh. It's on your desk.”

“Ugh, I hope I don't have to work overtime. Though, if it's arranging funerals, I may get that Xinyan girl to do the music again… Must I do all this?” He had really been hoping he could get off the hook, but in his heart he knew that was unlikely. So he went to his little desk, eyeing the small mountain of paperwork on it. 

“Yeah.”

“But I'm so oooooold. I retired for a reason, you know.”

“Well I’m sorry that funeral parlor work isn’t exciting enough, but you’re still my employeeeeeee which means you gotta do it to get paiddddddd.”

Zhongli huffed. “You may be my boss, but I'm older than you. And your Archon, too.”

“If you’re gonna pull the Archon card you should at least still be doing the work that comes with it.”

 “You don’t need me anymore though,” Zhongli grumbled, but started sifting through papers. By Celestia, this was going to take forever . But he may as well just go ahead and get it over with so he wouldn't have to deal with it later. At first it was all well and good. But then… Then he came across financial documents, which struck him as odd because he wasn't the one who dealt with the parlor's finance. “Director Hu, I think you've got someone else's paperwork mixed up with mine; there are finance papers in here.”

“No, those are for you,” Hu Tao replied, after she looked at the papers he held up. “It’s bills and whatnot, you know, records of all the Mora you've spent on the parlor's tab.”

…Zhongli did not like where this was going. “Yeeeeesssss? What about it?”

“I think it's time you paid it back.” She shrugged.

And it had gone where he was afraid it was going to go. Oh no. “Come again?”

The Director merely repeated herself.

“Director Hu, please, you know I'm usually low on Mora–” he pleaded.

“Don't you literally MAKE Mora, Mora x?”

“With the Gnosis, which might I remind you, I no longer have!” Zhongli retorted. “I could make more Mora, but it wouldn't be legitimate and I truly don't fancy being seized by the Millelith and subsequently going to jail.”

Despite all his pleading, Hu Tao seemed unmoved by his plight. Thus, he resolved to use the one trick he had left: turning into a cute little dragon. He looked up at his boss, hoping to sway her with his cuteness. She perhaps seemed to consider mercy, but then she just set him on his desk.

“Well I can't very well pay a dragon, can I?” Hu Tao scratched Zhongli’s little chin.

“But I can't pay you back either, so hmph.” Little dragon Zhongli stuck his little forked tongue out at her. “Venti can just take care of me.”

“Then I suppose Venti will have to pay me back for you.”

“Don’t involve him in this.”

“Well if he's going to be your husband, I'm pretty sure he's responsible for your debt if you can't pay it.”

“Can't you just earn it back?” Impulsively, Zhongli attempted to make a break for it. Unfortunately for him, he was small, meaning he couldn’t move very far very fast. And of course, his desk seemed very high off the ground now. So instead, he opted to jump on his chair and then jump onto the ground or slide down the chair leg (he hadn’t decided yet). Zhongli readied himself before taking the plunge. It did not go as intended. He didn't land very gracefully and his scaly little body made a very loud slap against the wood of his chair. Seeming amused, Hu Tao easily picked him up. Though he squirmed in her arms, there was no escape for Zhongli (Hu Tao had experience when it came to holding dragons). He nipped Hu Tao gently, not hard enough to draw blood, but with enough force to let her know that he did not appreciate being picked up.

“Heyy, no biting your boss!” chastised Hu Tao, flicking Zhongli’s forehead gently.

“Then put me down!”

“Then stop trying to run away.”

Zhongli huffed. “This is extortion. You know I haven't got a lot of Mora!”

“I pay you pretty good, it's not my fault you have expensive tastes and poor budgeting skills. I'm not even expecting you to pay it all at once; you can pay it back over time.”

“.....Ooooor you could just forget about it?” 

“Maybe.”

In response to this, Zhongli gave Hu Tao his biggest, wettest puppy eyes in an attempt to win her over. He saw he was sort of getting to her, but she said nothing. “Are you really going to do this to me?”

“…Possibly.”

He made his face look even sadder and cuter. Unfortunately, Hu Tao just looked away. Perhaps he ought to call backup. Twisting in Hu Tao’s arm, he faced himself towards the open window. “Venti!!!”

After smugly waiting for a moment, Venti appeared in the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor with an apple-scented breeze following him. He just looked at Zhongli, confused.

“My boss is extorting me, Venti!”

Venti tried taking Zhongli from Hu Tao’s arms while the dragon desperately tried to scrabble for his fiancé’s arms. “Hmm.”

“I am not!” Hu Tao exclaimed, handing Zhongli to his fiancé. “I’m literally just asking  him to pay me back and he’s being a drama dragon about it.”

Letting out a sigh, Venti held Zhongli up to eye level and gave him that “ Really? ” look. That dreaded look made Zhongli look very intently at the floor. Suddenly the wooden floorboards were very intriguing to the dragon. Venti, however, tilted Zhongli’s little snout back towards him. This left Zhongli looking like a guilty puppy who had been caught chewing on something he wasn’t supposed to. Readjusting his hold on Zhongli, Venti sighed and said, “You made me come all the way from Mondstadt for this? You’ve got to pay her back, you know.”

“But it’s so much and I don’t have much money,” Zhongli said quietly, still trying to study the floorboards.

“Well then it sounds like you need to make a budget.”

“A….. budget?” The word came out of Zhongli’s mouth like he was trying to pronounce a foreign word.

“Yes. A budget. It helps you map out how to spend your money so you don’t overspend and end up in a situation like this.”

“Oh. Well you’re one to talk about a budget,” Zhongli huffed. “You don’t have a house and you play for alcohol.”

“Hey, I’ve been playing for Mora recently since we’re getting married so we can pay for the wedding and not start out our married life broke and or in debt.”

Zhongli blinked in surprise.”Really? …Well, have you got any idea how to budget?”

“Not yet, ehe,” Venti laughed nervously. “I’m still new to this whole thing too. Perhaps we could ask Lumine since she’s got so much Mora and things to pay for? Or Ningguang, if you’re good enough friends with her.”

“I’m so hurt, Mr. Zhongli and Mr. Zhongli’s husband!” Hu Tao sniffed dramatically. “I know how to budget, it’s part of business. And you know, I can be lenient with your payments if you’re making an effort to pay me back.”

Zhongli sighed. “I’m not getting out of this am I?”

“Nope. Now turn back, I’m not budgeting with a dragon.”

“You’re going to be the death of me, Director Hu,” grumbled Zhongli, going back into his human form.

Hu Tao giggled. “I’ll be sure to give your fiancé a good deal for your funeral!”

“…Please don’t die, Zhongli.”

Hu Tao started rummaging around her desk, digging out a notebook. “Mr. Zhongli, I still don’t understand how you’re so broke and bad with money when you’re Morax .”

“I’ve never had to worry about money before! Whenever I needed it, I just made it. I could make Mora just to burn it if I wanted or put it in a swimming pool and swim in it. I do not regret retiring, but I am… unused to not being able to create money for myself. Being able to create Mora at will makes me very unfamiliar with things like ‘broke’ and ‘budget.’”

Laughing, Hu Tao patted Zhongli’s shoulders. “Well, welcome to being human, Mr. Zhongli!”

Zhongli just groaned. 

Chapter Text

Half an hour later, Zhongli had successfully made a budget with Hu Tao and trudged upstairs to his apartment. Venti was waiting for him there, which surprised him; Zhongli thought he would've gone back to Mondstadt. Venti looked over at his fiancé and asked, “So, how did your budgeting plan go?”

“Fine, I suppose,” Zhongli sighed. “I'm just not used to not being able to make Mora– I actually have to earn it and I have to be careful spending it.”

Venti just gently patted Zhongli’s shoulder reassuringly. “I'm sure you'll get used to it.”

“I know, but it'll take a while; I'm slow to change.”

“A small price to pay, I think, since you seemed to be exhausted from being Archon. I mean, now you've just gotta worry about smaller things like budgeting rather than a ton of people's wellbeing, Celestia, making Mora, and a bunch of other things.”

Zhongli let out another sigh, leaning his head against Venti. “I suppose you're right. By the way, I'm curious about what you said earlier; you said you were playing for Mora now?”

“Mhm. I only started doing it recently to help pay for our wedding and all, like I mentioned earlier,” Venti said, brushing a small lock of hair out of Zhongli’s face. “I originally meant it to be a surprise though.”

Upon hearing that, Zhongli’s face heated up from guilt. “Sorry.” 

“It's alright. I guess knowing that I have an income now too would help when it comes to planning.”

“Speaking of the wedding, I suppose we should get around to planning it, shouldn't we?”

“…Yeah probably.”

“I'm sure Lumine will be happy to hear it.”

“Oh, definitely.”

“But no planning tonight,” Zhongli said, getting up. “I'm tired and I'm going to bed.”

Venti giggled. “Fair enough. But no dinner first?”

“Oh right, dinner. How could I have forgotten about dinner? I really must be losing it– talking about money always makes a dragon hungry. Or at least, it makes me hungry.”

“Ohhh, don’t worry,” Venti smiled. “I’ll make sure to keep my darling dragon well-fed. I’ve heard that the best way to a dragon’s heart is through their stomach, is that true?”

“I do not think so, but I would also never say no to a nice meal,” chuckled Zhongli.

“Would anyone say no to a good meal?” replied Venti as he started rummaging through Zhongli’s kitchen for ingredients. He was surprisingly quick at making dinner, but the fragrant smell that was coming from the food before it was ready taunted Zhongli. In fact, Zhongli started hovering so much that Venit bopped him on the nose with a wooden spoon. “Are you sure a dragon’s heart isn’t in their stomach?”

Zhongli held up his hands and sat down. “Haha, very funny. In my defense, a hard day’s work makes a man very hungry.”

“Well, lucky for you, you impatient little dragon, it’s done.” Rolling his eyes playfully, Venti set down a bowl of his specialty soup, A Buoyant Breeze, in front of Zhongli. He then poured a bowl for himself and sat down beside Zhongli. Once Zhongli had made sure he’d gotten every last drop, he let out a yawn. However, since Venti had made dinner, Zhongli figured he ought to do the dishes and clean up. He gathered his and Venti’s bowls as well as the pot and utensils Venti had used when cooking. While cleaning, Zhongli found himself humming one of Venti’s tunes to himself. Recently, Zhongli had found that Venti’s songs often got stuck in his head, but he really didn’t mind. He’d even noticed that he’d started to subconsciously pick up some of Venti’s habits and quirks and it made him wonder if Venti was picking up some of his, too. Zhongli personally did not mind this though– to be loved is to be changed, is it not? Soon though, Zhongli had finished the dishes and set them back in their places– as much as he’d like to think more about Venti, it was time to switch gears to get ready for bed. He could think more about Venti after he was in bed.

Thus, Zhongli quickly went through his bedtime routine so that he could fawn more over Venti sooner. He quickly brushed his teeth and haphazardly threw his clothes in a hamper, getting into his pajamas. The only thing he didn’t rush through was making his bedtime tea. That was very, very important. Finally though, he brought over two steaming cups of tea and curled up beside Venti (who had agreed to stay the night, which made Zhongli a very happy dragon). He held out one of the teacups to Venti, asking, “Would you like some tea?”

“At this hour?” Venti raised an eyebrow.

“It’s herbal tea, it’s not caffeinated. It’s got chamomile and lavender. Chamomile is an anti-inflammatory tea and it helps reduce things like stress. It’s also good at helping fight the symptoms of insomnia! Lavender is also very good at making you sleepy and it also helps with stress and such, improving your quality of sleep. Trust me, it’s quite good and you’ll get a very good night’s sleep!” Zhongli smiled proudly, holding out his tea to Venti.

“That’s pretty thoughtful of you and it does smell really good,” Venti said, taking the tea. “And you know a lot about tea. Hehe, my little tea connoisseur~”

Zhongli puffed out his chest in pride. “I do know a lot about tea and I want to make sure you’re well-rested.”

Suddenly, Venti started squeezing Zhongli’s cheeks and kissing him playfully. “Aww, my husband is such a thoughtful man! I’m touched! I’m the luckiest bard in all of Teyvat!~”

“You really like to make me blush, don’t you?”

“Maybe, ehe.”

“Well, if you want to make me blush, you can do that tomorrow. Flustering me is the opposite of helping me get to sleep and I need my beauty sleep.”

“Oh, right, I forgot my darling little old man needs at least eight hours,” Venti giggled.

“Keep calling me old and I won’t give you cuddles,” grumbled Zhongli, though he still curled up around Venti.

Venti smiled, patting Zhongli’s head. They sat there in silence for a few moments, drinking their tea. When they both finished, Venti wrapped his arms around Zhongli and started softly humming. Zhongli gently purred to show Venti his satisfaction. Venti giggled. “Your dragon noises are so cute .”

In response, Zhongli just kept purring.

Venti chuckled. “Glad to know you’re happy. Are you ready to start wedding planning tomorrow?”

“Sure. Can’t be that hard, can it?”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine it’ll be that hard.” 

…

In the morning, Zhongli woke up to someone knocking on his door. He sighed, pulling his blankets over his head in the hopes that whoever it was would go away. It however, did not. If anything, it just intensified. Somehow, Venti hadn’t woken up at all from the sound. Zhongli was almost jealous that Venti was able to sleep through the sound. It also made him wonder what else Venti could sleep through. The Cataclysm? The end of the world? Possibly. At any rate, Zhongli just hoped he didn’t have any kind of medical emergency when he was alone with a sleeping Venti; Zhongli would be done for. While he was busy thinking about this, the knocking only intensified. Sighing again, Zhongli heaved himself out of bed and went to the front door. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Lumine standing there.

“Lumine, what are you?–” he started.

“IS IT TRUE?” Lumine interrupted. “ARE YOU PLANNING YOUR WEDDING NOW?!”

“I’m kind of scared to answer that since you just randomly showed up to my house and started yelling at me, but yes. How did you even hear about that?”

“Hu Tao told me!”

“How does she know? I don’t recall telling her, but maybe I did. …Or maybe she heard through the floor. But you still owe me an explanation as to why you came over here and woke me up to ask me that.”

“Well it makes me a happy Traveler. You two doing it on your own means I don’t have to waste time trying to get you two to third base instead of looking for my brother and ‘discovering the truth of this world’ or whatever that means.” 

“I… okay.” Zhongli just blinked, entirely unsure of how to respond to that.

“Besides, you two are my friends, should I not be excited to see you two get married?”

“I suppose that is a fair point.”

“Anyway,” Lumine said. “I just wanted to let you know that I probably can’t help with the planning process, but I can lend you some Mora since I don’t think you even have enough to buy a cake or something between the two of you.”

Zhongli huffed. “What? So Hu Tao told you I was getting married but not that I've made a budget to abide by? Not to mention, Venti’s been playing for Mora instead of wine recently.”

“That’s good to hear, maybe you won’t be such a bourgeois parasite,” Lumine smiled. “Well, anyway, I ought to get going; Paimon’s waiting on me and I got commissions to do. I just wanted to see if what Hu Tao told me was true. Though, do you wanna do commissions with me?”

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m afraid I have to decline; I have wedding planning to do. Though, it shouldn’t take too long so maybe I can catch up with you later.”

“Uhhh I’m not so sure about– Actually, never mind, I’ll leave you to it.”

With that, Zhongli bid Lumine farewell and shut the door. Shortly after, Venti woke up. Zhongli recounted the story to Venti as he made breakfast, which Venti seemed mildly amused at. While Zhongli cleaned up breakfast, Venti pulled out a pad of paper, saying, “Guess it’s time to start planning. Can’t be that hard, right? But we should probably just go ahead and knock it out of the way.”

“Of course, of course,” Zhongli replied as he sat down at the table.

…

“…This is a lot harder than we thought.”

Chapter Text

“How long have we been at this now?” Venti asked.

“…Two hours,” replied Zhongli miserably, staring at the blank pad of paper. Despite the combined experiences of two Archons, neither knew where to start when it came to weddings or marriage. “At this rate, our wedding probably won’t be within Lumine and Hu Tao’s lifetimes.”

“Oh come on, we are not about to be bested by wedding planning.”

“Well the only thing we’ve got thus far is making sure the wedding involves our respective cultures and that just feels like a given. Have you got any ideas?”

“…No.”

They sat like that for another half an hour, trying to think of ideas. The two Archons (well, an Archon and an ex-Archon) probably would have sat there for another half an hour if someone hadn’t knocked on the door. Zhongli almost thought it was Lumine but thought better of it when he noticed that the knocking wasn’t intense pounding.

“Yoohoo~” Hu Tao’s muffled voice came through the door. “I have a surprise for my most favorite consultant~”

When Zhongli opened the door for her, Hu Tao pranced in, looking very proud of herself. “What, do you need help downstairs in the parlor? Or are you going to give me more work?”

Hu Tao gave Zhongli an extremely exaggerated pout. “Oh, you think so little of me, Mr. Zhongli? I’m hurt! I’m here out of the generosity of my heart; you two are so hopeless, so I decided to help you out with your wedding.”

“Okay, first, what did you do? Second, how did you know that we’re finally getting married?”

“Well I thought it was kind of obvious because Venti said he was playing for money to help pay for the wedding, indicating that you two were getting married soon and I heard you two talking about planning through the ceiling while I was working late. By the way, you should probably talk quieter if you don’t want people knowing your business. But anyway, I got you two a wedding date!” Hu Tao proclaimed, sounding incredibly proud of herself. 

“You did WHAT ?!” Venti and Zhongli said in unison.

“Sorry, I forgot you’re both old and probably have trouble hearing. I said I GOT YOU A WEDDING DATE!”

Zhongli crossed his arms. “Hu Tao, you know perfectly well we both heard you just fine.”

“Well I figured you two would probably have trouble with this kind of thing and by the looks of it, I’m right– you haven’t got anything down, so maybe it’ll motivate you. Besides, I went around asking some adepti and fortune tellers to get the literal perfect date! And guess what, it’s in June! And I was like, that’s perfect because they’re both men and June is pride month!”

“You asked fortune tellers?” Venti asked, eyebrows raised in confusion.

“It’s just a Liyuean tradition,” Zhongli explained. “As Hu Tao explained, it’s to pick a good date for the wedding so that things go as smoothly as possible.”

“Ohhhhhh, I see.”

“I suppose it’s good motivation to get things planned, but we still have nothing,” sighed Zhongli.

“Well, it’s a few months away at least?”

“So you guys seriously have absolutely nothing ?” Hu Tao asked. When they both miserably nodded their heads, she said, “Couldn’t you start with something simple like decorations or food? If you can come up with a list I can find some vendors ‘cause I’m nice like that and I also wanna actually be able to attend my favorite consultant’s wedding.”

“Really? Thanks Hu Tao,” Zhongli said, looking a little more relaxed.

“You’re welcome~ But seriously, what would you two do without me? You’re hopeless, both of you!”

Zhongli rolled his eyes at Hu Tao, but he didn’t really have anything to refute her with. “Don’t you have a business to run and funerals to plan?”

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe I’ll get you two some matching tombstones for when you die,” Hu Tao giggled, skipping out the door.

Once Hu Tao left, Zhongli turned back to Venti. “So, decorations.”

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could have some decorations like the ones during Windblume,” Venti said, tapping his pencil. “You know, like the flower wreaths and garlands. Oh, and the windwheels, you can’t forget the windwheels! I thought it might be fitting since Windblume is pretty romantic and love-y and weddings are about love and all.”

“Ohh that’s a good idea, write that down. Perhaps we could have some lanterns around like Lantern Rite; I love those lanterns.”

After both gods had put forth their suggestions, the only sound that could be heard was the fervent scribbling of Venti’s pencil. Zhongli also threw out the idea of including dragon and phoenix iconography, as he found them fitting; they were not only auspicious, but also represented Venti and Zhongli’s opposite nature that still fit together like puzzle pieces. Venti quite liked that idea, partially because Zhongli was a dragon. Since Venti had suggested floral garlands and other such decorations, that raised the question of what kind of flowers they wanted for their floral arrangements. After Zhongli listed every possible flower in Mondstadt and Liyue, Venti gently suggested they each just choose two flowers each. Immediately after suggesting it, Venti had picked his two flowers: Cecilias and Dandelions. Zhongli, however, took more time (approximately ten minutes). He finally managed to narrow down his list until he had his chosen two; Glaze Lilies and red roses.

“Well, I think we’ve got the decorations all figured out. We should probably get this list down to Hu Tao so she can get in touch with some vendors,” Venti said.

“But if I recall, Director Hu told us to make a list of both decorations and food,” pointed out Zhongli.

“Ah, fuck.”

“Well, I think perhaps we could have Barbatos Ratatouille and Bamboo Shoot Soup,” Zhongli said, tipping his head in thought. “They’re both rather similar to our favorite, signature dishes. Additionally, it’s Liyuean custom to include fish, poultry, and lotus seed dishes, among other things, for the reception dinner. …To be honest, I might not touch the fish because I still can’t stand seafood, but it ought to be there for tradition’s sake. But anyway, for those dishes I was thinking Lotus Seed and Bird Egg Soup, Black-Back Perch Stew, and Jueyun Chili Chicken.”

Venti grinned, amused. “Wow, you really put a lot of thought into the food, huh? But um… maybe we could have apples?”

“…Just apples? Are you sure you don’t want any other Mondstadt dishes?”

“I mean, apples are juicy and awesome, but I guess we could have Northern Apple Stew? Oh, oh we could have Pile ‘Em Ups and Sticky Honey Roast! …The Pile ‘Em Ups have to be without cheese, though.”

“Alright. …May I also request we have some Almond Tofu? That’s literally almost the only thing Xiao will eat, aside from snow. Which, speaking of… I still need to tell Xiao about us.” Rubbing his temples, Zhongli sighed.

“Yeah, we can have some Almond Tofu for him,” Venti said, scribbling their decisions down. “But you haven’t told Xiao yet?”

“I guess I just haven’t had the opportunity?” he sighed. “He’s a little elusive sometimes. Hell, I swear I see Childe more and Childe doesn’t even live in Liyue!”

“That is true, I suppose. But you better get around to it.”

“I know, I know. Do you perhaps have a flute you could lend me?” Zhongli reached for the paper pad as Venti handed him a flute. “Anyway, I think we’ve got what Hu Tao asked for. Shall we run it down to Hu Tao?”

“See, I told you that we could do it!” Venti said, grinning.

“Yes, yes, you were right, dear.” 

Zhongli felt a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally finished deciding on decorations; he felt like he’d just won a difficult battle. In his excitement, he picked up Venti and spun him around (thankfully, Venti seemed to enjoy it). For a few moments, they celebrated their small success with wedding planning. 

Eventually though, Venti pulled himself away and picked up the paper pad. After double-checking the lists to make sure they got everything, he skipped downstairs to hand off the list to Hu Tao. Venti was in such high spirits, he skipped all the way back upstairs too. “Hu Tao said she’d start looking for vendors, but she needs you to do some funeral stuff.”

“Aw damn,” Zhongli sighed, heaving himself up and reaching for his jacket. “I was hoping to relax for the rest of the day or even possibly go to Wangshu Inn for Xiao, but I guess not. Oh well, I suppose. Having to go to work when you don’t want to does seem like a very human predicament, after all… Anyway, I suppose I’ll see you this evening, my love.”

“Have fun!” Venti called out as Zhongli headed out. “I’ll pick up some food from Yuehai Pavilion for dinner!”

Chapter Text

This will be a short and sweet announcement: the rewrite for this work is officially up with two chapters currently posted. I decided to keep this version up in case someone wanted to come back and read it again; I might not love it anymore, but someone else might. But that's all folks; the rewrite is the other work in the "ZhongVen" series I made so feel free to hop on over there to read it (or don't lol). I appreciate everyone who's read this far, gave kudos, and/or wrote comments. Happy reading, folks <3