Work Text:
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?(Kelly Clarkson-You Found Me)
Clarke was trying to sleep, in vain. She couldn’t fall asleep, at all. Maybe it was the food. She wasn’t used to Grounders’ cuisine and that evening the Tower’s cook, a man named Callistus, had prepared a very spicy fish soup. It was good, but definitely not for Clarke’s stomach. She sighed. No, it wasn’t the food, she was aware of that. Truth was that, even if she was getting better, she was still haunted by what she had done at Mount Weather. Moreover, she was still adjusting to her new life. Sleeping in a comfy bed, eating more than just venison, having hot baths, all of that was still new for her. And, deep down, she was afraid she didn’t deserve it. She had left her people to atone for her sins and find herself again, not to live at Lexa’s court. Yes, she had become ambassador, but she wasn’t fully sure that was what she wanted to be. All she needed was peace, nothing more. She shook her head and decided to get up. She put her robe on and left her room. She started wandering around the Tower, careful not to be seen by Lexa’s guards. She was walking through a long corridor, when a whimper drew her attention. She looked around, not fully understanding what was going on. Nothing, just some candles lighting the darkness of the night. She shrugged and turned, headed to her own room. She stopped. That whimper, again. Clarke swallowed, a bit scared. Only then did she realize that the patio door to the balcony was open. She crossed the threshold and found Lexa sitting on the ground, all curled up against the railing. Clarke couldn’t see well, but it was clear that she was crying. She didn’t think twice and ran to her.
“Lexa, hey.” she whispered, kneeling in front of her. The brunette slowly raised her gaze. She looked surprise, she didn’t expect to see Clarke in front of her. The pale moonlight lightened her green eyes, full of tears. She looked so sad and frightened.
“Please, don’t…”
“I won’t tell anyone, Lexa. Don’t worry.” Clarke reassured her, guessing what she was thinking about. She couldn’t afford her people to know she could be so weak. Truth was that she couldn’t afford to be weak at all.
“Thank you.” Lexa muttered. Clarke smiled at her, softly. She didn’t dare touch her, she didn’t know if she could. She bent down to Lexa and waited for her to calm down and, eventually, open up. She didn’t want to pressure her to do something she didn’t feel.
“I’m sorry.” Lexa muttered.
“Don’t be.” Clarke told her, reaching out. Lexa looked at the blonde’s hand, a bit confused. She couldn’t even remember the last time someone had tried to comfort her. She was the Heda, she didn’t need any sort of consolation, at all. At least, this was what Titus kept telling her. And she was so tired of listening to that man.
“I’ve got you Lexa, let it go.” Clarke whispered to her and the brunette couldn’t hold it anymore. She took her hand and curled up against her chest, bursting in tears. Clarke didn’t really know what to do. She held her close to her chest and tentatively started to cradle her. She thought about her mother, about the times she had used to do the same for her while they were on the Ark. She missed her so much.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Lexa kept saying, through tears.
“Shhh, everything is alright. I swear.” Clarke tried to reassure her. Lexa didn’t reply, she didn’t have the strength to do it. She clutched at Clarke’s robe, desperately. The blonde had never seen her in such a state. She wasn’t in front of the fearsome Commander of the thirteen clans at all, but a scared girl who needed help. A cold shiver brought Clarke back from her thoughts. Winter was coming and the temperature was so low.
“Can you walk? I think it’s better to go inside, it’s too cold.” she suggested. Lexa slightly nodded and, helped by Clarke, stood up on her feet. The blonde walked her inside, careful not to let her slip.
“What do you want to do?” she asked her. “Do you want to go to your room? Or do you prefer to stay here?”. Lexa looked at her with a bewildered gaze, trembling like a leaf. She was panicking again.
“Hey, look at me. Focus on me, Lexa.” Clarke tried to help her calm down. “Like this, good girl. Breathe.”
“I’m sorry.” Lexa said again. Clarke gazed at her tenderly and decided to take control of that situation. She took the Grounder by the hand and slowly walked her to her room, hoping that being in a familiar place would have helped her to calm down. She closed the door and made her sit on the bed. Lexa looked a bit less in panic than before, but she was still hardly breathing.
“May I?” Clarke asked, pointing at the bed. Lexa nodded, without raising her gaze. Clarke sighed and sat down next to her. They stayed like that for an indefinite time, without speaking. Clarke knew all Lexa needed wasn’t a discourse, just her presence. She thought about the night the Grounder had left her at Mount Weather. She had needed her too, but she had found herself alone, forced to commit a genocide. Clarke shook her head. It wasn’t the moment, nor the time for certain memories. Not while Lexa was there in those conditions.
“Why?” the brunette suddenly asked, breaking the silence. Clarke frowned.
“Why what?”. Lexa kept her head bowed, not daring look at the blonde in the eye.
“Why are you still here?”. Clarke wasn’t sure what she really needed her to answer.
“I am my people’s ambassador, I have duties and…”
“No, Clarke.” Lexa interrupted her. “Why are you really here? Why didn’t you kill me with your knife when you could? Why are you helping me now? Why don’t you…”
“Hey, stop.” Clarke stopped her rambling. “I would never harm you, Lexa. Never.”
“You’re better than me.” the Grounder said, staring at the wall. Clarke scoffed. That wasn’t true. She had committed genocide, she wasn’t better than anyone.
“I ended an entire civilization, Lexa. I’m not better than you.”
“But it’s all on me, Clarke.” the brunette replied. “I am the one who left you there, forcing you to do such a thing.”
“But I’m the one who pulled the lever, Lex.” Clarke told her. “Truth is that we both had to make certain decisions for our people’s sake. We were both forced to just survive, that’s all. And this awareness is the reason why I’m not mad anymore at you.”
“But…” Lexa tried to say, but Clarke gestured her to let her finish.
“I used to be so angry, Lex. I thought I hated you for leaving me alone, but now I’m realizing that wasn’t the problem. No, the point is that leaving me there, you forced me to accept that I can’t save everyone. You forced me to accept that I’m not a hero, just a person who had to make a terrible, heavy choice. And you had to do the same.”. Lexa swallowed. She wanted to vomit.
“I never meant to turn you into this, Clarke.” she muttered.
“You already told me this.” the blonde said, smirking. “But maybe it wasn’t you. I’m not a hero, nor a goddess. I’m a human being, that’s all. I’m not Wanheda, I’m just Clarke, a girl who had to figure out how to survive and save the people she loved. I don’t want to be dehumanized. I don’t want to be anything else than Clarke.”. Lexa found herself crying desperately, her head between her knees.
“I don’t know how to be Lexa anymore.” she sobbed. She felt devastated, broken, torn in two. She had used to be Lexa, the young Trikru girl born from unknown parents and who loved reading and spending her days in nature. However, that girl didn’t exist anymore. She had died the Ascension day, together with all the other Nightbloods. She was technically still there with her body, that was now nothing more than a shell. She had denied her real nature for so long, but Costia’s death had proven her wrong. Her fate wasn’t to be Lexa. Her fate was to be the Heda. A hand on her cheek brought her back from her thoughts. She turned. Clarke was caressing her, in such a tender way. Slowly, the blonde moved her hand. She touched her lips, her chin, her neck. Clarke laid it on her chest, above her breast. She took the brunette’s hand too and did the same. Lexa couldn’t understand. She realized she was holding her breath, utterly frozen.
“Can you feel it?” Clarke asked her.
“Our… Our hands?” she questioned, confused. Clarke smiled, a bit amused by Lexa’s words.
“Your heart. It’s beating.”. The brunette mouthed an Oh, as learning that news, learning that she had a heart was something shocking. And it was, indeed.
“Lexa is here.” Clarke told her, pointing at her chest with her finger. The brunette looked at her, with the saddest of the gazes.
“Lexa wanted to fight the Maunon with you.” she confessed.
“I know.” Clarke told her. “But she had to choose with her head and not her heart.”. Lexa nodded. She sighed, defeated.
“Do you know why I asked your people to enter Kongeda?“ she asked. Clarke frowned, a bit surprised by that question. She shook her head in yes, waiting for an answer.
“I wanted you to be my people, Clarke. At Mount Weather, while I was leaving you all alone, my heart was bleeding, screaming at me to go back to you. But Clarke, I couldn’t listen to it. I simply can’t follow my heart, I can choose nothing but my people. Kongeda is my reason for living, my only purpose, my only fate, my freedom and my cage. I’m chained to the Coalition, Clarke. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to leave you anymore. Never.”. Clarke was shocked. She didn’t expect such a truth.
“Lexa…” she muttered, but she couldn’t end the sentence. She didn’t know what to say.
“Lexa can’t take what she wants, but you, you can. You… You had the courage to leave your people in order to find yourself again, Clarke. You are free to decide and when I asked you to enter Kongeda I hoped you would have accepted.”
“What if my people and I would have said no?” Clarke asked. Lexa bowed her head. She started fidgeting with the blankets, nervous.
“I would have respected your decision. I would have taken note of the fact that I lost you.” she then answered, looking at the blonde. “To be a commander is to be alone, Clarke. And I have to accept it. I have to stop fighting it.”. Clarke’s gaze softened at those words. She shook her head.
“You’re not just the Commander, not to me. You never were.” she said. “The way you worried for Lincoln, your grief for Costia and Gustus, your guilty conscience for what we did in Tondc, your tears while you were leaving me…”
“You saw them, didn’t you?”. Clarke nodded, smiling.
“I tried so hard to hide them. I couldn’t… I can’t look weak. I can’t feel.”
“Feelings don’t make you weak, Lexa.” Clarke replied. “They make you human. And, trust me, you are human, Lexa.”.
“I shouldn’t be.” the brunette claimed. “I’m the worst of commanders.”
“No, you’re not.” Clarke hurried to reassure her, cupping Lexa’s face. “You’re just different. And I…”. The blonde stopped talking. And I love you for this, she would have wanted to say. But she couldn’t tell her that. She couldn’t scare her more. Lexa was staring at her, her emerald eyes so penetrating, so deep. They were a window on an entire universe of their own. They told of a girl forced to grow up too soon, forced to do horrible things, but still needy of peace, of love. And Clarke wanted to give her all the love of the world.
“Since Costia’s death, I realized I would have never been free to put myself before my people and my duties. I realized I would have never been Lexa again.” Lexa murmured. “I’ve always lived like this since then. Always, except once.”
“When?” Clarke asked, in a trembling voice. Lexa bit her lip. She had the feeling Clarke already knew what she was talking about.
“That day in the tent I… You told me that life should be about more than just surviving and… Gosh, I couldn’t ignore your words. I couldn’t ignore the way you were looking at me. I couldn’t ignore the fact that you were looking at me. You were looking at Lexa.”. Clarke was holding her breath. She gently stroked her cheekbones with her thumbs.
“For the first time since Costia’s death I felt I was more than what I thought. I felt so alive. And then I threw it all away, again.”
“But you’re here, now. We are here now.” Clarke told her. “And you’ll never be anything less than Lexa to me, I swear. I wasn’t mad at the Heda for Mount Weather, I’ve never been. I was mad at you. And when I accepted to bow to you, it wasn’t the Heda I bowed to. It was you, Lexa. It’s always been you. The one who saved me into the woods, the one who asked my people to enter Kongeda in order to not be forced to choose between her people and me, the one who sent Roan looking for me, to save me from the Ice Nation. The one who cares so much about the people she loves, that she has to pretend not to love in order to protect them. The one who is here, in front of me, asking to be really seen. Well, I want to tell you that I can see you. I can really see you, Lexa.”. The brunette couldn’t hold it anymore. She leaned it, without thinking further. When Clarke froze, Lexa pulled away, afraid she had ruined everything, again.
“Sorry, I…” she tried to apologize, but the blonde shushed her, laying a finger on her lips. Then, she leaned in and kissed her. It was the sweetest kiss Lexa had experienced in her own life. Not even Costia had kissed her like that. It was like Clarke was undressing her from all her fears, from all her insecurities. She felt naked, but at the same time she felt like she was born again. She felt seen. She felt loved. Clarke had found her. And she would have never let her go. She would have never let Lexa go.