Chapter Text
In my 25 years of life, I've seen for myself too many times how cruel people can truly be. Just in high school alone, I watched as one of the kindest girls I'd known was tormented daily by people she'd done nothing to provoke. Eventually, that cruelty claimed her, and with it, my naivete. People are monstrous towards those they call "different", and the worst of them stop at nothing to blot out these innocent lives.
When I was in college, the horror story repeated itself. My best friend, a gentle young man named Armin Arlert, was put through the wringer by strangers who hated him simply for being gay. Armin had done nothing wrong, had done nothing to earn their malice. Still, they persisted, doing everything in their power to crush his spirit. They came too close to succeeding.
Armin gave me express permission to retell his story. He was admittedly shy about his struggles being shared with a larger audience, but I convinced him that his testimony needed to be told. For the sake of youth like him who've encountered similar homophobic hatred, and for those who rightly fear that they'll face it sooner or later, his story might be the inspiration they need to keep fighting for their place in this miserable world.
My name is Annie Leonhardt, and it is my honor as Armin's best friend and confidant to tell you his story.
Even on the day when their campus was flooded with new and returning students, Armin’s new dorm building stood oddly empty as a ghost town. It was one of the few dorm halls on campus comprised solely of single rooms, typically claimed by those who hated the idea of sharing their living space with a stranger. Armin had chosen Sansburg Hall because he'd been unable to get the amount of alone time he desired last year, when he had lived in Wickson Hall with Jean. Jean Kirschtein had been a decent roommate, but there were too many days that year when Armin had yearned for desperately needed alone time. With his new choice of living quarters, he'd finally found his chance for privacy.
Armin chuckled to himself, remembering one night he'd spent in that room, having to listen to Jean grumble about Eren Jaeger, the most hotheaded of Armin's best friends. Time and time again, Jean had come to Armin with gritted teeth, always frustrated that Eren seemingly existed to interrupt his desire to chase after Mikasa Ackerman, his deepest crush.
In the lounge space on the 4th floor of Sansburg Hall, Armin's grandfather stood next to him, exhausted after they'd finally finished moving him in. There wasn't a single soul insight besides the two Arlerts, both looking around for another sign of life.
“It’s awfully quiet for move-in day,” the old man grumbled. “Shouldn’t your floor mates be out and about?”
Armin shrugged and said to him, “Well, grandpa, it is a single dorm, you know. Chances are they want to be alone.”
“I suppose so, grandson. Well then, will you be seeing Eren and Mikasa later today?”
“Of course!”
The two of them walked back down the stairs towards the first floor, both yawning heavily. The car ride, coupled with the effort of taking everything up to Armin’s room, had taken a toll on them both. Back outside, cars were drifting away from the campus in droves, with numerous students waving goodbye to their parents. Armin bit his lip, silently wishing that his parents were there to see him off like everybody else.
As if he had read his mind, Armin’s grandfather looked down at him and gently told him, “You know they’re proud of you, Armin. Even now in Heaven, they’re smiling down at you. You know that, don’t you?”
Armin sighed and wearily replied, “Yeah. I just…I miss them.”
His grandfather tenderly wrapped a thin arm around his shoulders and whispered, “Me too, Armin. Me too.”
They arrived at his grandfather’s old Jeep, which was finally starting to show serious signs of overuse. His grandfather had wanted to hold off on buying a new car as much as he could, but even he could tell that the time to say goodbye was approaching. His decades-old car was one of the last reminders of his time spent with his beloved wife, and the thought of saying goodbye to it was too painful to bear.
Armin stood there, wondering what his 2nd year would be like. His freshman year had been turned upside down after an incredibly uncomfortable episode of self-awareness had snuck up on him. After spending just a couple of months on his own, encountering a variety of attractive male students and feeling an undeniable pull towards them that he'd never felt for any female friend, Armin had finally accepted the fact that he was gay. When he'd worked up the courage needed to tell everybody in his inner circle, not a single one of them had shown any surprise at the revelation. The echoing consensus was a wish that Armin had accepted himself sooner.
It would've been folly for Armin to act like he didn't know what prevented him from acknowledging it sooner. He'd been raised in a strong Catholic faith spearheaded by Grandma Arlert, whose devotion for spiritual enrichment permeated nearly every aspect of their familial life. Armin had spent too many nights to count worrying what she or his parents would say if they found out in the afterlife that his heart was destined to fall for another guy. Even knowing that they had loved him without any reservations wasn't enough to quell his initial fears.
In the first few weeks after coming out, Armin had been worried that his grandfather wouldn’t view him the same. But that, too, had been a surprise; despite acknowledging to Armin that he had questions about what this meant for his grandson spiritually, he grandfather had made it clear that he wouldn’t love him any less. And so, his grandfather became his staunchest supporter among his remaining family members, bonding with him even further after the revelation. Mr. Arlert had made a deliberate effort after his grandson's confession to make Armin understand that his grandma and parents would've lovingly followed suit.
Next to Armin, his grandfather looked around at the campus, a keen interest in his eyes.
“Being here with you, remembering that this was me some 50+ years ago…oh geez,” he mumbled. “This brings back so many memories. Meeting your grandma, getting drunk for the first time…”
Armin laughed hard. “Grandpa, you got drunk at college? That’s amazing!”
“You wouldn’t be so amazed if I told you what happened afterwards, grandson.”
That only made Armin laugh harder. Trying to picture his grandfather as a drunken college student was a hilarious thought that made his sides hurt from mirth.
“Well, it’s time,” his grandfather said. “Give me a hug, boy. I won’t see you ‘til Thanksgiving.”
The two embraced awkwardly, the older man towering over Armin, despite him being 19.
“Bye, grandpa. Have a safe drive back!” Armin told him, sad to say goodbye once more.
“Bye, Armin. Stay safe,” he said, before adding with a wry smile, “And remember, one guy at a time.”
Armin’s entire face flushed a furious red, and he stuttered awkwardly, “W-well, of course!”
Chuckling, his grandfather drove off with a final wave, joining the dozens of other cars trying to get out of the busy campus. Armin watched the throng of traffic for a minute, before finally walking back to his dorm. He tried hard to ignore his grandfather’s earlier remark about the emptiness of the floor. Even though Armin had chosen Sansburg because of its specialty for providing better privacy, he still remained confused at the sheer lack of social life that typically filled the other dorm halls on move-in day.
When he got back to his floor, he saw that the atmosphere hadn’t changed one bit. There wasn’t a single person in sight. Armin stood next to the massive glass window overlooking the area, musing to himself about what the year might bring. Over the summer, Armin had prayed and hoped that he would finally find a good guy at the campus. The loneliness he had always dealt with had surged during the summer, and on some nights, it took all of his will to not cry from the pain it brought. The prospect of spending his life alone did not sit well with him.
While he pondered over this, he heard the door by the stairs open and close.
"Well, it’s about time somebody else showed up around here!” Armin thought in exasperation.
He remained by the window, looking out over the campus, and saw out of his peripheral vision a girl pass him by. As she walked by him, she gave Armin a weird look that reminded him of the face his grandfather made when he found spiders crawling around their house. The girl continued to stare at Armin with that strange expression before walking into her room at the end of the hall, the one that overlooked the entire floor in front of it.
“What’s the deal with her?” Armin wondered. ”I get that I don’t have much of a fashion sense, but am I really dressed that bad?”
He shrugged indifferently, and walked back to his room, planning on catching up with Eren and Mikasa later that night.
“If that Kirschtein prick makes one more jab at my German speaking skills, I’ll smash his skull in!” Eren shouted, frightening the other people around them in the dining hall.
Armin and Mikasa groaned, annoyed that Eren had already started fuming about Jean, who they hadn’t even seen yet. Eren and Jean were taking German together as their language requirement, and for whatever reasons they had, they frequently butted heads in class. Much of the friends’ social gatherings had been spent trying to calm Eren down while he went off on yet another tirade about his classmate’s snarky comments.
“Just ignore him, Eren!” Mikasa shot back, exasperated and doing her best to not snap at her foster brother. “He’s not worth the discipline you know you’ll get!”
“Bah! There you go, taking his side again, Mikasa,” Eren said. “No wonder he has a crush on you. You’re too soft on him!”
“Shut it,” she hissed, her eyes glaring daggers at Eren. He gulped in terror and continued to eat.
Armin gave an irritated huff, and silently wondered if Eren was becoming jealous of Jean’s feelings. The idea of Eren developing feelings for his foster-sister wasn’t too confusing, seeing as they had spent more than 10 years bonding after Eren’s parents had adopted her. But if he had any crushes on anybody, neither Mikasa nor Armin could see it under Eren’s constant anger at almost everything.
Hesitantly, Armin asked her, “Have you ever thought about Jean, Mikasa? He does seem pretty nice.”
She gave Armin a small smile and asked in turn, “Are you only saying that because you don’t want to talk shit about your roommate?”
“No, no! …well, maybe. But besides that, what do you think of him?”
“Look, he’s nice, but he’s also full of hot air.”
“Ah.
“And Armin, you don’t really think that I enjoy hotheads like him, do you?
Armin chuckled, remembering the many times in their past when he had seen Mikasa brutally shut down the advances of numerous other arrogant boys, and said, “Not at all.”
Eren retorted, “Hey, what about me?”
Mikasa gave him an irritated side glance and told him, “If you changed your temper, maybe. Otherwise, absolutely not.”
Her foster-brother rolled his eyes and went back to eating. Wanting to defuse the tension, Armin asked them, “Are you two excited for classes tomorrow?”
All he got from Eren was a snort of derision, which earned him a whack on the head from Mikasa.
“Of course we are, Armin,” she told him over Eren’s grumbling. “And you?”
“Yup! Japanese will be awesome this year!”
It was Armin’s favorite subject, partly because his other best friend Annie was his classmate. The older girl had become Armin’s unlikely friend after the two had spent much of class bonding over school and other things. From the get-go, Annie had apparently been aware that he was gay, as she had asked him numerous times if he had found a boyfriend. When Armin finally came out to her, Annie had smirked and said “I told you so”, no doubt pleased that he had finally accepted the inevitable.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” Mikasa told him. “But…Armin, will you enjoy your new dorm?”
“Probably. Why?”
“Because I’ve heard things about Sansburg Hall. It has a reputation for being the most anti-social dorm hall on campus.”
That remark made Armin nervous, as he remembered that girl who had given him that odd look earlier that day.
“I mean, I won’t know if that’s true until a few weeks pass, right?” he asked Mikasa.
“I suppose. But if anything happens, let me know.”
“Will do!”
When they finished eating, the trio walked out of the dining hall into the night, parting ways for their separate dorms. The three friends were living in different dorms across campus: Mikasa would spend her year in a quad, Eren in a double and Armin in a single. Armin was slightly worried how Mikasa would fair with 3 roommates, given how quiet she was.
“No point in worrying”, he thought as he walked back to his room. “She can handle anybody.”
Armin couldn’t help but wonder again why that girl had acted so strange earlier. Before he fell asleep that night, he prayed that his 2nd year would be decent.
That night, Armin dreamed of his parents and grandma looking at him from a distance, with sad smiles on their faces.