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Exams this year were rough, especially on Todd. He had been up for almost a week straight studying until he eventually passed out from exhaustion. He wouldn't eat, drink, or socialize with anyone other than nodding or simply humming. Todd was concerning all of the poets, but especially Neil. Neil had always felt closer to Todd, even in the short time he's known him compared to his other friends. They felt safe around each other, and if they both had feelings for the other, they were too frightened to admit it.
Today, though, was especially hard on Todd. He accidentally fell asleep in his trig class and was basically screamed at by his professor. It took all the energy left in his exhausted body to not lose it right then and there. Luckily, the class was almost over. As soon as the shitty school bell rang, Todd jumped out of his seat and ran to his dorm. The other poets were immediately concerned, but Neil took charge and said he'd go see what was wrong.
After Todd had gotten to his room, he immediately slammed the door shut and flung himself onto his bed and curled into the fetal position. He could barely breathe, his chest heaving and his inhales shaky and rough. Tears streamed down his face, and he desperately tried to wipe them, but when he failed, he moved onto pounding his fists against his skull, desperately wanting this feeling to go away. The ringing in his ears was so loud that he didn't hear Neil enter their room until he felt soft hands grabbing his fists in an attempt to stop Todd from striking himself. Todd tried pulling away, but was too weak in his current state to go anywhere. Neil held the shaking boy's fists in his hands, gliding his thumb across the tops of them.
The simple gesture felt so intimate to Todd that in the moment, all he could do was stare into Neil's eyes. It amazed him that such a simple thing could make him forget about the stresses of the past week. Neil noticed him staring, of course he did. Todd immediately looked away, face flushed red. "I'm sorry," he croaked.
Neil gave him a puzzled look, "why are you sorry? You don't have anything to be sorry for."
Todd stayed silent. He wasn't in the right mental place to argue, so he just slumped against his head board. They both stayed silent for what seemed like eternity. Todd was working up the strength to apologize again when Neil whispered, "do you wanna talk about it?"
Todd considered saying nothing, so that Neil and he could go about the rest of their day and never talk about it again. But then he remembered this was Neil, his best friend and the boy he loved. So against his better judgment, he responded.
"It's these exams coming up. I'm working my ass off to get good grades so I can finally be seen as an equal to my brother in my parents eyes. But no matter how hard I try, or how much I study, I'm still not good enough. I'll never be good enough, not for them and certainly not for anyone. I'm useless, Neil! And it's only a matter of time before everyone else realizes it, especially you!"
His breathing started to pick up again and he started crying. Neil just looked at him, a look of sadness and pity on his face. Todd messed up, he knew it. He immediately pulled his hands away from Neil, he was still holding them, and tried scrambling as far away from the other boy as he could.
"I'm, fuck, I'm sorry Neil, y- you don't have to um you don't have to stay I understand I'm so sorry-"
Neil shushed him, and placed his hand on Todd's tear streaked cheek, wiping away the falling tears with his thumb. Todd wanted to pull away, but he melted into the touch. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the emotions playing out on Neil's face.
"Oh Todd I'm so sorry I didn't notice, or that none of the other poets did. These exams have gotten to all of us, to be honest. I know you've been dealing with a lot of pressure from your family and it's awful that they expect so much from you. They shouldn't be comparing you to your brother, you're not him, you're Todd. Sweet, kind caring Todd who always puts others in front of himself, even when he shouldn't. You're not useless, you're the farthest thing from it! I wish you could see yourself how I see you, Todd."
Neil whispered the last part so quietly that if Todd wasn't sitting next to him, he'd have missed it. Todd slowly opened his eyes, only to be greeted by Neil's perfect, bright smile.
"Hey, Todd."
Todd sniffed and rubbed his eyes, "Hey Neil."
They both looked into each other's eyes, while Neil slowly rubbed his thumb across Todd's cheekbone. Todd's anxieties got the better of him, for he found himself asking, "did you really mean what you said? That last bit?"
Neil's thumb stopped its movement, and Todd stiffened. "Yes, Todd I meant every word of it. You're amazing and…." He trailed off, looking down at his hand sheepishly. Todd grabbed his hand, and asked, "And what, Neil?"
Neil looked at their hands, tangled together before looking back to Todd. " Todd, would it be ok if I kissed you?"
Todd's heart stopped, this can't be happening. He's dreamed about this moment so many times he's lost count. Composing himself slightly, Todd sniffed again and nodded his head. "Yeah, yeah it'd be ok, please do."
Neil smiled before closing the distance and connected their lips. It was the best thing Todd had ever experienced. Neil's lips were soft and gentle, and his hands moved to Todd's neck and back of his head, cradling him. Todd grabbed the front of Neil's sweater, desperately trying to get closer to his roommate.
The kiss ended after a few minutes when both boys needed to catch their breaths. They were both blushing furiously. Neil was the first to break the comforting silence. "You should get some sleep, Todd. That panic attack must have made you tired."
Todd, seemingly too exhausted to verbally reply, simply nodded. When Neil moved to go to his own bed, Todd frantically grabbed his wrist, pleading with his eyes for Neil to stay. Neil chuckled, having understood what Todd was trying to communicate. "Scoot over, Toddy, I'll stay with you."
Todd flashed the other boy a weak smile before scooting over and making room for Neil. After he laid down, Todd shuffled himself so he could rest his head on Neil's chest, right over his heart. It was calming, the rhythmic thumping of his heart. Neil moved his hand to Todd's head, playing with his hair. Todd sighed, sleep coming to him very fast. Before succumbing to it, he managed to say a quiet, "I love you, Neil."
Neil's breath halted before he chuckled, the sound ruminating through his chest, Todd loved the sound. "I love you too, Todd. I love you so much." Neil leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Todd's forehead, and then took his chin and tilted his face towards him, leaning in and giving Todd a chaste kiss. Todd absolutely melted into the affection, before settling back into his place on Neil's chest. His breathing soon evened out, and shortly after Todd fell asleep, Neil did too.