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the wars ended and that's everything you wanted, but victory is bitter and everything is wrong, everyone's happy but it's wrong and wrong and wrong.People who should be celebrating are not there, it's like there are craters in the ground and crumbling foundations and you can never ever walk the same
you scream, you shout, you bleed, you mourn. and nothings the same and it will never will be.
you're anger grows in folds and layers at everything. you destroy everything in your apartment . you refuse to step out of its wreckage for weeks, refusing to answer any and all calls of worry (you could count they number of them on your hands and wasn't that quiet depressing that everyone who would have come to you, now will never ) .
(it was a war. it was a war. it was a war amd it was fucking terrifying and he can feel all death creep into his bones and slowly rot him from the inside )
Remus feels exhausted like he could close his eyes and never open them again , like he's chained down in his body.
he lays down and closes his eyes.
opens them to pitch dark, he lays still and doesn't get up for hours.
the days blur toghter.
its a cold night and his old scars seem to be alive and when he sleeps he dreams of James, brave James, the boy who would look the devil in the eye and tell him to make his move - remus imagines he does . he dreams of lily, kind and wild lily, the untamable girl who burned like the sun , he feels the loss of its heat and the unbecoming cold .
he dreams of Peter, sweet resilient Peter, who was scared but never hesitant , he imagines him running after the ghost of sirus black
he dreams of sirus , the boy who consumed, who held on to everyone and everything with trembling arms and he dreams of him falling back to the edge of darkness and emerging someone wrong and imagines him laying next to remus ,
sirus used to feel like he was holding stars in his blood, the heat spilling into everything he was , this sirus feels cold, like the cold of shrieking shack, like the cold on the moon where he led someone he hated to his death by using remus, sirus has always been capable of that mean streak. sirus climbs next to him and presses a kiss onto his lips and presses a kiss onto remus bones.
he wakes up and barely reaches the trashcan before heaving into it, nothing went down so nothing came up either
he gets up and up and up.
He doesn't falter when he sees the boy James face with lily's eyes, the boy with lily's smile and James smirk. He doesn't break at all when he think of the nights he spend trying to make the boy call him "uncle moony"and thinks, all the effort gone to waste.
He thinks there isn't anything left to break,
that night–when the sun died and the star exploded, the moon died as well