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Lan Zhan refrained himself from putting his hands over his ear to block the noise. He knew raising a child wasn’t going to be easy, but overall, Lan Yuan was a great, well behaved kid. Which just made this situation all the more puzzling. Earlier today Lan Yuan had come back from school quiet, refusing to talk much. His smile was gone, and a gloomy aura surrounded him everywhere he went. When Lan Zhan tried to speak to A-Yuan, A-Yuan only shut down more, refusing to speak, refusing to eat dinner, and now, refusing to take a bath.
Lan Zhan tried, he really did, but there was only so much he could take. A-Yuan had refused to eat his food, instead flinging it around the kitchen while glaring straight at Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan asked A-Yuan to prepare to take a bath, hoping the 6-year-old child would listen, while he set about cleaning A-Yuan’s mess in the kitchen. By the time he was finished, Lan Zhan had forgotten the extent of A-Yuan’s unwillingness. He approached the bathroom expecting to see A-Yuan there waiting, but he wasn't there. Instead, A-Yuan was in his room drawing something on one of his walls, and Lan Zhan couldn’t help it anymore. He felt frustrated. He demanded A-Yuan to explain why he was drawing on the walls instead of preparing for his bath, but A-Yuan ignored him, not even bothering to glance at Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan stared at A-Yuan intently, wishing the boy would turn around and smile at him. He wished A-Yuan would say that this was all a joke, but A-Yuan didn’t. He stayed quiet. Lan Zhan, in a moment of weakness and frustration, moved to pick A-Yuan up. He grabbed him and held him securely against his chest as he traveled to the bathroom. All the while A-Yuan kicked and screamed in his arms, trying to break free of Lan Zhan’s hold. Lan Zhan concentrated on the task at hand instead of focusing on the sounds coming out of Lan Yuan’s mouth. A-Yuan had never behaved this badly before, and Lan Zhan was beginning to think he would have to book an emergency therapy session for A-Yuan. It was okay if A-Yuan did not feel comfortable sharing what happened with Lan Zhan, but it was not okay for Lan Zhan to allow this behavior to keep going without trying to get some professional help for the boy he now considered a son.
He sighed in relief once he entered the bathroom, going towards the tub to turn on the water. A-Yuan saw this as his chance and wiggled hard enough to break free. Jumping hard enough to splash water on Lan Zhan. A-Yuan then quickly grabbed the detachable shower head in Lan Zhan’s arms and began spraying water all over the bathroom and Lan Zhan while yelling, “Leave me alone! I hate you!” Among other things Lan Zhan could not make sense of.
Lan Zhan had never had much of a patience for loud noises, and while his tolerance had improved throughout the years thanks to, first Wei Ying and then, A-Yuan, he couldn’t say that he no longer had an aversion to loud noise. While his ability to withstand it had improved, it hadn’t improved to the point of being unaffected by it at all. And A-Yuan was beginning to reach Lan Zhan’s breaking point.
Lan Zhan felt as if multiple senses were being attacked all at once, with A-Yuan screaming and crying while splashing water all over the bathroom floors and Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan’s phone was ringing from the kitchen counter where he had previously left it, and his clothes were soaked and cold. His mind was starting to shut down as all noises surrounding him began sounding muffled and distant. Lan Zhan’s clothes started to feel suffocating, and all Lan Zhan wanted to do was take them off. Lan Zhan was beginning to feel as if there was no oxygen in the bathroom. His legs were feeling too shaky to stand on, and so he sat, scared he would tip over if he continued standing. All Lan Zhan could do was pant heavily while leaning against the outside of the bathtub, trying to find some air, trying to breathe.
He could faintly hear A-Yuan’s shouting at this point, but he couldn’t make out what exactly it was he was saying, all of it sounding far away. He closed his eyes as he tried to recenter himself. Now was not the time to be having a panic attack. He needed to stay calm and help A-Yuan or get help. He lifted his hands towards his face before realizing that at some point he had clenched them so hard into fists that his nails had made his palms bleed a little. And suddenly everything became too much. He hugged his legs before burying his head in his knees, trying to take deep breaths and count from 100 backwards by 7.
-
Slowly, Lan Zhan’s senses started coming back, no longer as dull as they had been moments prior. He couldn’t tell how long it had been since he began his endeavor trying to bathe A-Yuan, but he was shivering from his cold, damp clothes. A-Yuan was no longer in the bathroom, and most of the noise had stopped as well. Legs still shaky, Lan Zhan gripped the bathroom countertop tightly, putting all his weight onto it as he stood up, hissing lightly at the pain on his palms. Right. The cuts. He slowly made his way out the bathroom, walking carefully towards his room to change into dry clothes before looking for A-Yuan.
-
It didn’t take long to find A-Yuan, crying in the corner of his room while hugging an old, well-used radish plushy with a red ribbon tied around one of the leaves. His clothes were still sopping wet, and if Lan Zhan looked closely enough, he would see A-Yuan’s small frame shaking, though whether it was shaking due to the crying or the wet clothes was hard to tell. It was probably because of both. Lan Zhan felt his heart break, looking at the scene. How long had A-Yuan been in this position, with Lan Zhan unable to care for him? How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to comfort him? Wei Ying would have known how to handle this.
“A-Yuan,” He tried, but all he managed to accomplish by speaking was make A-Yuan cut off his crying, back straightening out. Lan Zhan went to enter the room, but Lan Yuan heard him and turned to glare straight at him.
“Leave me alone!” He screamed, chubby cheeks red and wet with fresh tears. He clutched the radish plush as if it was his life line; as if he was scared Lan Zhan would take it from him.
Lan Zhan felt at a loss. He still had no idea why A-Yuan was so upset. He had no idea why, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. “A-Yuan. You need to bathe.”
Immediately, Lan Zhan regretted his choice of words. He knew what it was like to live in a household that didn’t give him the liberty to express himself. He knew what it was like to live in a household where emotions were frowned upon, and yet here he was doing something similar to A-Yuan. It was on a smaller, more indirect scale than his own situation, but acting like this would only make A-Yuan believe that feelings weren’t things to be discussed. Lan Zhan didn’t want A-Yuan to begin thinking like this, but before he could choose better words to correct his statement, A-Yuan pushed him out of the doorway, running to the living room while yelling. “I don’t want you as a baba! I want Ying-gege!”
Lan Zhan froze, stunned by A-Yuan’s proclamation. A-Yuan had never called him baba before. Lan Zhan had never made A-Yuan call him baba before. And… A-Yuan hasn’t mentioned Wei Ying in months. In fact, A-Yuan stopped mentioning his Ying-gege almost right after the funeral, much to the distress of the rest of his family. Lan Zhan had tried to get A-Yuan to talk about his feelings on the matter the first couple months after Wei Ying’s death, to no avail. It was because of this that he sought out a child therapist for A-Yuan, wanting the boy to be able to express himself and his emotions, even if the expressing wasn’t done to him.
Lan Zhan sighed, feeling out of his element. What was he meant to do now? Wei Ying had always been better at these kinds of things. He had to figure out a way to get A-Yuan out of his wet clothes. He also had to find a way to get A-Yuan to calm down, and ,hopefully, once calm, A-Yuan would be more willing to share his feelings and what brought them about. Lan Zhan turned back towards A-Yuan’s room and began digging through his clothes in a drawer, searching for a specific set of pajamas. A-Yuan hadn’t worn these pajamas in a while, choosing to wear the newer pairs Lan Zhan bought for him, but even so, Lan Zhan knows these worn pajamas to be his favorite. After all, these pajamas are part of a matching set, his Ying-gege had owned the other pair, and they would wear them every Saturday like clock-work.
Heading back to the living room, Lan Zhan slowed his movement, approaching A-Yuan as though he was a scared wild animal in desperate need of assistance. “A-Yuan. I understand you must be upset. I apologize for forcing you to do something you do not wish to do. I would like to talk to you more about this, but I believe you should change your clothes first. You will make your radish wet, and then your radish will get sick.”
A-yuan glared at him once more, before finally nodding his head in agreement. Lan Zhan tried to hide the look of relief on his face as he handed A-Yuan the pajamas. He noticed the moment A-Yuan really looked at the clothes being given to him. A-Yuan's eyes once more grew watery as he let out a weak “gege” before he let out a sob clutching the pajamas to his face. Lan Zhan had never heard A-Yuan cry like this, so deep and full of hurt, not even at the funeral. it made his own eyes sting. He tried to keep himself from falling apart along with A-Yuan, choosing instead to focus on the task at hand. He had to comfort A-Yuan and get him in warm clothes, he could worry about his own emotions later. Slowly, and deliberately, Lan Zhan kneeled next to A-Yuan, reaching out with his arms in a gesture to initiate a hug. A-Yuan reflexively leaned in towards the hug, sobbing his eyes out as he allowed himself to be held. Lan Zhan awkwardly lifted his hands trying to pat A-Yuan's back before settling with slowly combing his fingers through A-Yuan’s hair in what he hoped came off as a soothing gesture.
A while later as A-Yuan's cries quieted, A-Yuan became aware of the position they were in, immediately beginning to stiffen and pull away. Lan Zhan allowed him, not wanting to push anything before suggesting that maybe A-Yuan should change now. A-Yuan silently nodded before getting up off the floor and, still tightly clutching onto the pajamas and pushy, walking meagerly towards his room, shutting the door behind him. Lan Zhan, choosing to give A-Yuan some space for now, set about cleaning the mess in the apartment, from the uneaten food he had left on the table after cleaning the kitchen, to the water all over the bathroom floor. As he was finishing mopping up the wet spot in the living room, A-Yuan’s door creaked open. Lan Zhan kept his focus solely on cleaning the spot, wanting to allow A-Yuan to make the first move. Eventually he heard the shuffling of feet approach him before eventually stopping right in front of him. Lan Zhan finally allowed himself to look up, once more glancing at A-Yuan’s red tear-streaked face. “I’m sorry” A-Yuan whispered, voice sounding hoarse after all the yelling. Lan Zhan leaned the mop against the living room wall closest to him, before gesturing to A-Yuan to sit down on the couch with him.
“It is okay. Would you like to tell me what happened today?” Lan Zhan’s heart squeezed painfully at the sight of A-Yuan stiffening up once again. Of course Lan Zhan hadn’t expected A-Yuan to trust him right from the get-go, but after months of living together (and years of knowing each other) Lan Zhan had hoped A-Yuan would have grown comfortable enough to share things with Lan Zhan.
Seeing that that wasn’t the case, Lan Zhan immediately began offering, “I can call Wen Ning if you'd like to talk to someone other than myself.” A-Yuan shook his head tearfully, still not saying anything.
“I will go prepare some tea for us. We do not have to talk if you do not wish it. I can always schedule another therapy appointment if needed. I will be right back.” Lan Zhan left the living room after getting another small nod from A-Yuan. He tried to quickly make the tea, not wanting A-Yuan to be alone in his thoughts.
By the time he returned to the living room, A-Yuan had squared his shoulders and a determined look overtook his features. He waited for Lan Zhan to sit back down before speaking. “You are not my baba. You promised. ”
Lan Zhan nodded, “I am not your baba. I promised I would not make you call me that.”
A-Yuan glared, “Lying is forbidden.”
At this, Lan Zhan felt puzzled, and allowed his confusion to show, “A-Yuan, what am I lying about?”
A-Yuan’s eyes watered as he angrily accused, “YOU'RE TELLING PEOPLE YOU'RE MY BABA, BUT YOU'RE NOT! YOU PROMISED, AND YOU LIED. YOU'RE A LIAR!” The tears flowing from his eyes were no longer of sadness, but of anger.
Lan Zhan felt hurt by the accusations, trying not to take them to heart. A-Yuan was hurting, and that’s what mattered most right now. “A-Yuan, I have not told anyone that I am your baba.”
“OH YEAH?!” A-Yuan screeched, “THEN WHY ARE THE TEACHERS AT SCHOOL CALLING YOU MY BABA?! WHY DID THEY TELL ME THAT I'M BEING DISRESPECTFUL BECAUSE I DON'T CALL YOU BABA. YOU'RE NOT MY BABA!”
By the end of his outburst, A-Yuan was breathing heavily, allowing his emotions to once more rile him up. And Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan felt angry.
No. He felt more than angry. He felt furious. But not at A-Yuan. He felt furious at the teachers from A-Yuan’s school.
Back when Lan Zhan had first enrolled A-Yuan into Cloud Recess Academy, he had made sure to explain A-Yuan’s situation to the adults that would be taking care of him, not wanting any conflicts to occur. Lan Zhan had specifically informed them that A-Yuan was his ward, and Lan Zhan was merely A-Yuan’s guardian. Lan Zhan made sure to specify that he was not A-Yuan’s baba, as that had been one of the two conditions A-Yuan had requested before Lan Zhan officially adopted him.
Lan Zhan sighed, choosing to let his anger out tomorrow, when he would go visit the school to discuss this situation in a more threatening manner. For now, he refocused and gave his attention back to A-Yuan, making sure he was calm before responding. “I apologize. I was not aware that the teachers were making such remarks. I had informed the school that I was not your baba. I see they have either forgotten or ignored my statement. I will have a word with them tomorrow.”
A-Yuan sniffled, while looking at Lan Zhan in a skeptical manner, “You really didn’t tell anyone that you are my baba?”
Lan Zhan shook his head, allowing a small, mournful smile to grace his lips, “I do not wish to take that title away from Wei Ying.” And once more, the dam broke.
A-Yuan’s sobs increased in heartbreak and volume. Lan Zhan tried the method he did earlier, extending his arms for a hug, but this time, A-Yuan turned away, sobbing harder.
A-Yuan’s whole body shook with each heart-wrenching sob, and this time Lan Zhan couldn’t pretend it was from the cold. All he could do was watch as A-Yuan let out the most painful sounding cries, from deep in his chest. Lan Zhan felt useless; he was way in over his head.
Lan Zhan felt like crying. The stress of the day that had built up within him was now crashing down. He wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball under the covers and sob the way A-Yuan was doing now. His eyes were stinging, and the lump in his throat was progressively getting bigger the longer time passed and memories of Wei Ying flashed in his mind. Lan Zhan’s hands were shaking, and he knew he had to calm himself before he really broke down. The last thing A-Yuan needed right now was for his guardian to become emotionally unavailable, too busy dealing with his own feelings. But what could he do? He’s never been good at this. He’s never been good at any of this.
Wei Ying was the nurturing one. Wei Ying was the one who talked about feelings. Wei Ying was the one who always knew what to say to put a smile on someone’s face. Lan Zhan couldn’t do this. Not without Wei Ying. He needed Wei Ying. Lan Zhan needed Wei Ying the way a bee needed its wings. Without him, Lan Zhan wasn’t complete.
Once more, Lan Zhan forced himself to stand on shaky legs, but instead of heading towards his bedroom, he headed towards the shelves in his living room; he headed towards his guqin. He grabbed it and turned to place it carefully on the coffee table before sitting behind it. He went to play the first note in inquiry, before realizing just how bad his hands were shaking. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths trying to center his mind. Lan Zhan had played inquiry every night since Wei Ying died, and while there hasn’t been a response yet, Lan Zhan wasn’t ready to give up. Especially right now when Lan Zhan needed him most. Lan Zhan sent out a quick wish for anyone listening, to be able to communicate with Wei Ying. Slowly, he lowered his now steady hands towards his guqin and began plucking the strings. ‘Wei Ying, are you there?’
There was no response. Lan Zhan, not quite ready to give up, decided to try 4 more times. ‘Wei Ying, are you there?’
Once more, no one replied. Lan Zhan heard a noise by his side and turned to find A-Yuan looking at him with hope in his eyes.
Right. Lan Zhan had forgotten that A-Yuan had made a lot of progress with his comprehension of guqin language at school. Lan Zhan was sure A-Yuan was able to understand some of what was being said, though he couldn’t play the language himself at this stage. Still sniffling, A-Yuan approached, looking shyly at Lan Zhan, who tried to give a reassuring look, before gesturing to the empty space next to him. A-Yuan took the hint, sitting down right next to Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan took a deep breath and played once more “Wei Ying, are you there?” This time, Lan Zhan said the words allowed while playing them, fully intending to include A-Yuan in this conversation. Just like last time, there was no response.
A-Yuan hiccupped “Ying-gege.” His voice breaking while trying to be strong.
Lan Zhan turned to him and soothed, “It's okay A-Yuan,” before playing out once more.
“Wei Ying, are you there?”
“Yes.”
Both Lan Zhan’s and A-Yuan’s eyes widened as they turned to look at each other.
“Baba…” A-Yuan whispered in awe. Lan Zhan translated A-Yuan's speech into guqin language, wanting Wei Ying to know A-Yuan was here as well.
“My radish.” The guqin responded. The tears in A-Yuan’s eyes began falling silently, as he smiled brightly.
“Baba,” he hiccupped, “I-… I miss you.”
A-Yuan tried wiping the tears from his eyes, but they kept coming. The knot in his throat refused to allow A-Yuan to speak.
“Lan Zhan. Hold him you fuddy duddy.” The guqin responded right after Lan Zhan finished translating A-Yuan’s speech.
Lan Zhan startled, springing into action once he processed Wei Ying’s words.
Wei Ying. Wei Ying was here . Lan Zhan felt overwhelmed, but in a good way. This was the first time since Wei Ying’s death that he was able to reach out and speak to him. There were so many things he wanted to talk about with Wei Ying. There were so many things he never got to say, but where would he begin? Lan Zhan didn’t even know how long Wei Ying would be here for. What if Wei Ying left in 5 minutes and never returned? What if Wei Ying stayed the whole night, and never left?
Deciding to ignore the ‘what-ifs’ for now, Lan Zhan reached out for A-Yuan, pulling the 8-year-old into his lap, unsure of how to proceed. He turned to his guqin, settling his fingers before playing out, “Wei Ying, I don’t know what to do.”
“Comb your fingers through his hair and hum the song with no name.”
Lan Zhan’s eyes widened at the mention of the song. He had no idea Wei Ying still remembered that song. It had been a couple of years since Wei Ying last asked for the name of the song Lan Zhan had composed back when they were 15.
As he began humming, he came to the realization that A-Yuan was aware of this song as well. A-Yuan slumped into Lan Zhan almost immediately after Lan Zhan had begun humming. As A-Yuan’s whimpers quieted, the sound of Lan Zhan humming filled the living room air, and surprisingly, towards the end of the song, A-Yuan joined in, confirming Lan Zhan’s suspicions that A-Yuan did in fact know this song.
He stretched his arm towards his guqin, “How does A-Yuan know this song?”
“Sorry Lan Zhan, it’s just that it's such a beautiful song. I would often hum it to calm myself down, and when A-Yuan began entering my room at night crying over nightmares, I began humming it to him as well. The song always calms him down. It’s his favorite.”
Feeling his heart melt, Lan Zhan couldn’t help it as he wrapped his arms around the now calm A-Yuan once more. He squeezed tightly for a second, letting go after hearing A-Yuan release a small giggle. The first giggle he’s released since getting out of school. Lan Zhan felt at ease.
A-Yuan turned towards the guqin, now more curious than anything. “Zhan- gege, can you tell Ying- gege about the bunnies?”
“Mm.”
Lan Zhan got into a more comfortable position with A-Yuan now in his lap, and began playing, telling Wei Ying of the bunnies he and A-Yuan had been visiting these past two weekends. A-Yuan made sure Lan Zhan explained all about the different types of bunnies they've seen, and how Lan Zhan promised that they would get two bunnies at the end of the month if A-Yuan showed he was responsible. A-Yuan was sure to explain that they needed to get two bunnies, so that one wouldn’t be lonely in the house without a bunny friend to play with. A-Yuan beamed at Lan Zhan, as Lan Zhan added that A-Yuan had proven himself to be responsible already, and hopefully at the end of the week they would be able to go get their bunnies.
Almost immediately after they had stopped playing, the guqin began replying enthusiastically. “That’s great! Those bunnies do sound delicious! Yummy!”
A-Yuan gasped, appalled at his Ying gege for saying such a thing. Both he and Lan Zhan turned their glares towards the guqin.
“Too bad yuanyuan won’t eat them. You can’t see me, but I’m frowning dramatically! The injustice! I’m glad A-Yuan was being responsible all month, but… what about today? I don’t think throwing food around, and making a mess in the bathroom is responsible.”
Lan Yuan paled, at the realization that he had upset his Ying gege. He began sniffling while apologizing, not wanting his Ying gege to go away. Lan Zhan’s heart hurt as he translated A-Yuan’s speech for him, wishing Wei Ying was here in person to immediately calm him down.
“Ah A-Yuan, I’m not mad at you radish. I’m just sad. I’m sorry Ying-gege isn’t able to be with you as promised, but you have the next best thing! You have Lan Zhan! And I don’t want Lan Zhan to think you don’t love him. I know you do. And he loves you too.”
A-Yuan frowned, “But Ying-gege, my teachers called him my baba, but he's not! You are!”
“Aiyah… I can see why that must be so upsetting, but did Lan Zhan say he was your baba?”
“...No. I thought he did, but he told me he didn't. And you said that Zhan-gege doesn’t lie.” As Lan Zhan translated the exchange back and forth, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of Deja vu, having had this conversation with A-Yuan himself, not that long ago.
“Exactly radish. Lan Zhan would never lie to you, or do something to purposefully upset you. I understand why you were so upset baobei, but next time let’s not jump to conclusions. Remember what I used to say when we would have our movie nights? Feelings are important, and when we have them we have to put on our big boy pants! If you never shared your feelings with me, I wouldn’t have known that you didn’t like watermelons! I would have kept giving you those watermelon popsicles, you remember? The yucky ones with the seeds still in them?”
A-Yuan giggled, while nodding, recalling just how much he disliked those popsicles.
“Sometimes, we have to be strong, and share our feelings with others. It wouldn’t be fair if you were upset with Lan Zhan. but refused to tell him why. Lan Zhan would worry. He would be sad.”
A-Yuan nodded more solemnly this time, before turning to face Lan Zhan. “I’m sorry Zhan-gege. I love you.”
“I love A-Yuan as well.” Lan Zhan replied softly.
“Can you tell baba that I shared my feelings with you?”
Lan Zhan felt a small smile grace his lips. “Mm.”
“Wonderful!” Wei Ying quickly replied. “The last thing I need is to see my two favorite boys fighting! Now A-Yuan, I think I spotted a yawn not that long ago, Your bedtime must be approaching.”
A-Yuan frowned, hesitant to leave the living room. Lan Zhan felt a surge of panic at the thought of Wei Ying leaving once more. Wei Ying, as if feeling their hesitation, spoke up once more, “Don’t worry you two. I'll be here for as long as you want me from now on.”
Slowly, both A-Yuan and Lan Zhan rose from the living room floor, still feeling reluctant, but knowing they had to continue on with A-Yuan’s bedtime routine. Ayaun quickly said goodbye to his Ying-gege, asking to talk to him again tomorrow, before following Lan Zhan towards the bathroom. Though the shower was skipped, the teeth brushing, and bedtime story continued. Lan Zhan made sure not to leave A-Yuan’s side until he was 100% sure that the kid was asleep, holding onto his radish plush once more.
Lan Zhan took his time closing A-Yuan’s door, scared to approach the guqin and get no reply once more. He headed towards the kitchen, to make himself some tea once more, as the other tea had gone cold and bitter. As he set about preparing the water, he noticed his phone on the counter and quickly remembered the two phone calls he received during A-Yuan’s meltdown. Grabbing his phone, he went straight into the contacts app, seeing four missed calls from his brother. Lan Zhan guessed the other two must have been made during his own panic attack, in which he couldn’t really hear anything. Lan Zhan debated on whether or not to call him back before deciding that his brother was probably worried and would appreciate a call back. The phone only rang for a second before it was picked up.
“Didi!” Lan Huan sounded relieved, causing Lan Zhan to feel guilt over debating to call back.
“Ge.”
“What happened? I tried calling! You usually answer the first call, but this time there was nothing, not even a text saying you were busy. I was so worried, I was planning on driving out soon, but Da-ge stopped me saying you would get back to me.”
Lan Zhan looked down at the countertop, formulating his response. “I apologize. A situation happened at A-Yuan’s school that made him quite upset. I was preoccupied with him. He only recently calmed down.”
Lan Huan’s voice took on a hard edge, “What happened? Do I or shufu have to talk to someone? Do you need Mingjue? You know Mingjue can scare just about anyone into behaving right?”
Lan Zhan heard a small ‘hey’ in the background of Lan Huan’s side before responding, “ A teacher of A-Yuan’s called me A-Yuan’s father, and tried informing A-Yuan that not calling me ‘father’ was disrespectful. A-Yuan had assumed I was trying to replace Wei Ying and became emotional. He refused to tell me what was wrong throughout the afternoon, causing a couple problems, but it is all settled now. We have talked things out, and he has gone to bed. I will be demanding a meeting with the teachers at his school tomorrow afternoon. If you could do me the favor of picking him up from school and keeping him occupied while I handle this, it would be greatly appreciated.”
Lan Huan stayed silent on the other line, likely processing everything and finding a way to respond before settling with, “Of course didi. Is the pick up spot still the same?”
“Mm.”
The brothers stayed silent on the phone, and Lan Zhan’s water started boiling. Lan Zhan finished up making himself tea, by the time his brother was ready to speak once more. “A-Zhan… You know I’m here for you right? If you ever need anything. You and A-Yuan both. I know Wei Ying’s death must have-”
“Ge. I apologize, but I have to go.”
“A-Zhan I know you don’t want to hear it but-”
“Ge.” Lan Zhan repeated with a harder edge, not wanting to hear Lan Huan’s speech for the hundredth time since Wei Ying died.
Lan Huan sighed, realizing Lan Zhan wasn’t going to speak once again. “Goodbye didi. Talk to you later?”
“Mm.” The call ended.
Lan Zhan entered the living room, new tea in hand, and reluctantly approached the guqin. He took his seat, and took a sip of his tea to calm his nerves, before settling his fingers against the strings once more. “Wei Ying, are you there?”
Softly, Wei Ying played back, “Yeah, Lan Zhan. I’m here.”
Lan Zhan let out a breath of relief, nerves settling now that he knew Wei Ying hadn’t left. He began to move his fingers before pausing, unsure of how to continue. What should he say? What should he ask? He settled with a simple “How are you?”
“Lan Zhan! You can’t see me right now, but just know I’m laughing! Who asks a dead person how they’re doing? Only a Lan as polite and Lan Zhan would of course!”
Lan Zhan flinched at the way Wei Ying casually brought up his death. It’s such a Wei Ying thing to do, to joke about something as serious as being dead, but the topic was sensitive to Lan Zhan. Of course Lan Zhan knew he was dead. All Lan Zhan thought about these past 10, almost 11, months was about how Wei Ying was dead. Even know, 10 months after the fact, there would be reminders of Wei Ying’s death everywhere, from the direct statement announcing Wei Ying's death- such as in the phone call he took with his brother earlier- to the smaller things- such as a bottle of half used hot sauce Lan Zhan stumbled upon in the cupboard, earlier in the evening while making dinner. It was a fact Lan Zhan knew to be true, but that didn’t mean Lan Zhan wanted to keep being reminded of it. Especially not now that he had gotten an opportunity to speak to Wei Ying once more. If anything, Lan Zhan wanted to be able to pretend that this was a normal conversation happening over text instead of happening in between planes.
Wei Ying, sensing Lan Zhan’s plummeting mood, immediately began trying to remedy the problem, “Ah, I apologize. I shouldn’t have spoken so crass. Tell me Lan Zhan, how has A-Yuan been? I've been in and out of consciousness for a while, unable to stick around for long or recognize how much time had passed. It wasn’t until recently that I found I could stick around for days at a time. I could see you as well, though I don’t appear to be strong enough to have a physical form. I’ve only recently gained the strength to be able to communicate through inquiry. I've missed so much. I’d like to know how you came to be in possession of Wen Yuan as well if you don't mind me asking!”
The corners of Lan Zhan’s month lifted as he listened to Wei Ying’s ramblings once more. It soothed him in a way he hadn’t felt since Wen Ning called him all those months ago to tearfully relay the news of Wei Ying’s and Wen Qing’s car accident.
Not wanting Wei Ying to wait too long, he began relaying what had happened in the time since Wei Ying’s death, “Wen Ning called me from the hospital, the night you passed. He asked if I could get my brother to watch Wen Yuan while the rest of the Wen’s spent the night in the hospital. I had originally told him I would be able to watch A-Yuan, but he surprised me by saying I was needed at the hospital as well. I asked for more details, wanting to know why you would not be available to be with them, and that was when he informed me that the Wen’s were all at the hospital because of you and Wen Qing. I cannot recall what the rest of the conversation went like, nor can I recall the actions I took right after the phone call. All I know is that I ended up in the hospital, A-Yuan safe with ge. We waited a long time, while you and Wen Qing were in surgery. I distracted myself by comforting Granny Wen, even though I had not known her much before then.”
Lan Zhan paused, getting his emotions in check. He knew what was coming, he wanted to prevent the wave of emotions before they even had the chance to hit him. He took a deep breath, bracing himself before continuing, “The news came right before midnight, that neither of you had survived the car accident. I do not recall much else happening after that, other than lots of people crying. I ended up going back to their home with them, and they refused to let me leave, stating it was not safe to be out driving in my condition. I stayed the night, and then stayed the next 4 nights. We were all mourning, and I felt I could not leave. Strangely, the mourning brought us together, and I began to get to know the Wen’s the way you had. I felt a strong attachment to them, feeling as though they were the last piece of you I had. A-Yuan had gone back to the Wen Home the second night, and breaking the news to him had not been easy. I believe he probably felt the same way I did, as he quickly grew attached to me, not wanting me to leave his side.
“Eventually, I had to leave. There was so much to do, and A-Yuan cried and cried not believing me when I said I would come visit. Wen Ning had to get him and put him to sleep. I put myself in charge of cleaning out your apartment and going through your things. I did not really throw anything out, moving everything to my home or a storage unit I own. I put myself in charge of your funeral, working alongside Wen Ning to ensure you and Wen Qing got a beautiful and proper send off. After the funeral, Granny Wen approached me, thanking me for all the help I have given. I tried refusing, but she insisted on letting the Wen’s repay me by cooking dinner for me once a week. She weakened me down. I accepted.
“I started visiting the Wen’s often. It started off as once a week for the dinner I was promised, but my visits steadily increased until I was visiting practically every day. I began to see them as my family, and A-Yuan as my child. Granny Wen must have sensed it. She approached me one night after I had put A-Yuan to bed. She told me she was old, and the other Wen’s were either old, disabled, or too busy to take care of a child. She asked me to adopt A-Yuan. Originally, I said no. I did not want to overstep my boundaries. I knew how excited you had been when you decided to adopt A-Yuan. I knew how excited you were to be his dad. I did not want to replace you. Granny convinced me that I would not be replacing you. She said I would merely be providing a stable life for A-Yuan. She said we could talk this out with A-Yuan, and allow him to set his own boundaries. I agreed.”
Lan Zhan took a break, feeling the need to stretch his fingers out. Lan Zhan was not a talkative person, and even when communicating through inquiry, he replied and asked questions as succinctly as possible. But this was Wei Ying he was talking to. He wanted Wei Ying to have as many details as possible of the situation. He wanted to give as much context as he was able to provide. He wanted Wei Ying to feel as if nothing was left out, as if Wei Ying could pick up where he left off, being in-the-know about everything going on around him. As if Wei Ying could sense that Lan Zhan’s retelling wasn’t over, he stayed quiet, allowing Lan Zhan to regroup himself. Once Lan Zhan felt he was well enough physically, as well as emotionally, to continue, he resettled his hands against his guqin.
“We approached A-Yuan as gently as we could. I asked him if he would allow me to adopt him. I informed him that I had zero intentions of taking your place, perfectly content with keeping the title of ‘gege’. Granny Wen explained to him that, if A-Yuan accepted the proposal, he would be moving in with me and taking my last name. He would be able to go to a good school, and learn to cultivate just like me and you. I made sure he was aware that I was not trying to steal him away from his family, as I would make sure we still visited them often.
“Surprisingly, A-Yuan did not put up much of a fight, though he did seem reluctant. He only asked for two conditions: the first being that I do not throw his things away, and the second being that I will not call myself his baba or force him to call me baba. I agreed to the conditions, fully understanding the second, but being confused about the first. Later, Granny Wen mentioned how A-Yuan had had that same first condition with you when you expressed your desire to adopt him. I had not known before then that A-Yuan had had all of his belongings thrown away before moving in with his grandma. When his grandmother told me, a lot of your actions towards me regarding A-Yuan started to make sense. I had always wondered why you would not allow me to buy A-Yuan newer versions of his belongings, even going as far as having an argument with me on the day of his birthday over the new butterfly toy I had bought for him. I had been so mad at you that day, when you refused to take the gift with us to the birthday party, without explaining your reasoning. But that day, with Granny Wen explaining. I understood. I understood why you refused to allow me to take a newer version of one of A-Yuan’s beloved toys, and I understood why you refused to share private information about A-Yuan to someone who was not as close to him as you and the rest of his family were.
“While this doesn’t mean much in terms of explaining what has happened since you died, it means a lot in my misunderstandings of you when you were alive. I know you will hate me for saying this, but I apologize-”
“Lan Zhan! Don’t you dare!”
“Wei Ying. I’m sorry for-”
“Stop it Lan Zhan! I mean it! If you try to apologize to me one more time I’ll Leave! I swear! This is ridiculous! You’re ridiculous, you fuddy duddy. What happened to ‘no sorry’s or thank you’s between us’? You should already know that something like this doesn’t need my forgiveness or your guilt. You can’t feel guilty when I never gave you all the information! If anything I was the asshole that night for refusing to explain myself, not even bothering to come up with a lie or excuse. Should I also apologize? I bet you would hate that! So stop it! Please, for me. And don’t feel guilty anymore. You couldn’t have known.”
Lan Zhan sighed, fingers hovering over the guqin strings, wanting to shape out an apology once more, before he gave up, repositioning his fingers. It wouldn’t do any good trying to apologize once more. Wei Ying would reject it and then leave. That was the last thing Lan Zhan wanted.
“Continue with the story, yeah? You accepted A-Yuan’s conditions and then what?” Lan Zhan felt his lips curl up in a small smile at Wei Ying’s blatant attempts to change the subject.
Lan Zhan was never one to deny Wei Ying, and so he continued. “Well, after A-Yuan accepted the proposal, I began the adoption process. Thankfully, it went smoother and quicker for me than it did for you. I already knew, from helping you out, what to expect. I was able to get all the documents completed and turned in much quicker with the knowledge. Coming from a family of wealth also made things abundantly easier.”
“Ha I bet it did Mr. Trust-fund-kid. We can’t all be rich, smart, and handsome. Save something for the rest of us peasants.”
The corner of Lan Zhan’s lips quirked up. He continued, “I went to the storage unit where I stored your things, and grabbed everything you had gotten for A-Yuan. I learned my lesson, and thought it best not to replace anything, only adding on where something was missing. I transformed one of my guest bedrooms into A-Yuan's room. I baby proofed the house. I tried to make my home as child friendly as possible. I took your art pieces and had them framed, hanging them around the house. The portrait o-”
“Lan Zhan!”
Lan Zhan imagined Wei Ying whining, dramatically pouting at him. He smiled while restarting his sentence. “The portrait of A-Yuan was put in his room. I took some of your pictures and famed those as well, leaving them all around the house so that A-Yuan could always have reminders of you. I grabbed some of your mugs and plates. I took rugs and decorations, random knick knacks and fidget toys. I grabbed all that I could to remind A-Yuan of you without making the house feel overcrowded. When A-Yuan came home for the first time, he cried, holding onto the radish plush you gave him for his birthday two years ago, the one with a voice message from you embedded in the leaf. Thankfully, he settled in quite well, though the first week he hid his nightmares from me.
“I tried to get him to communicate his feelings with me, but I was never quite good at that. He refused to talk about you or Wen Qing, so eventually I got him a therapist. He began attending Cloud Recess Academy. He picked up cultivation quite fast, though I suspect that has something to do with you.”
“Lan Zhan! The accusations! You wound me! You can’t see, but I’m clutching my heart swooning in pain er-gege! This is the pain you cause your Wei Ying? Take responsibility!”
Lan Zhan smiled, “Mm.”
“Gasp! Lan Zhan you’re so shameless! Who taught you to become so shameless?”
”Wei Ying taught this one well.”
“Lan Zhan! People don’t believe me when I say you're funny! So mischievous hiding this side of you from everyone! Don’t look so smug I see though you Mister!”
Lan Zhan remained smug. “Mm.”
“Lan Zhan… thank you for taking in A-Yuan and giving him a home when I no longer could.”
Lan Zhan’s smile fell, feeling the sadness he’s felt since Wei Ying died, coming back with a vengeance. Like this, with Wei Ying talking the way he always did, Lan Zhan was able to forget for a moment that Wei Ying was dead. But Wei Ying is dead, and Lan Zhan was foolish enough to forget it.
“No thank you’s or sorry’s between us.” He replied, in a semblance to try to take control of his emotions once more.
“No. I know Lan Zhan, but for this, you need to be thanked. I thought… I thought that I would be able to provide for A-Yuan. I thought I would be able to be a stable figure in A-Yuan's life. I wanted to watch A-Yuan grow up. I badly wanted to be A-Yuan’s family, and I wanted so badly for him to be mine. I was so close to having that Lan Zhan, me and him both were, and then we lost it because I had to go and die. Fuck, Lan Zhan. I know you hate cursing, but this fucking sucks. I had to go and abandon the kid who’s had so many other people abandon him already!”
“Wei Ying…”
“No Lan Zhan. Please, I need to say this. I know you're going to say it’s not my fault. And believe it or not, I agree with you. It’s not my fault a person that had been drinking decided to get behind the wheel that day. It’s not my fault that they didn’t see the stoplight. I get it, I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I abandoned the kid. I promised A-Yuan a family. I promised him stability. I promised him a good life full of love and safety, and in the end the only things I gave him was more heartache. You don’t understand Lan Zhan. You don’t get just how good you are. You had no obligation to the Wens. You didn’t know them the way I did, you didn’t consider them family, and yet you stayed with them and comforted them. You got to know them. You took A-Yuan in and fulfilled every promise I couldn't! And for that, I have to thank you. I’m so grateful that you were able to give him a good life.
“I know you might not think you know what you're doing, but I’ve been watching you these past few days, trying to find the courage to respond to your inquiries. I’ve been wanting to tell you just how good you're doing, just how good you are with A-Yuan. You are parenting him so well Lan Zhan, better than I ever could. A-Yuan looks happy and healthy, and that's all I could ever ask of you. I know you and A-Yuan are not ready to hear this, but I am completely okay with A-Yuan calling you baba.”
“Wei Ying!” Lan Zhan admonished, feeling tears forming in his eyes.
“No. Let me finish. There will come a day when he will have known you, and have been raised by you, for longer than he has known me. You already care for him and love him so much, it would only be fitting for you to take on that title. I won’t be mad. I promise. In fact, I’ll be really happy seeing my two favorite people be a family. I never got to officially be a baba for A-Yuan, but you're already there! You’ve already been doing it longer than me! How could I selfishly keep the title for myself?”
Lan Zhan sniffled, feeling tears sliding down his cheeks with every blink he took. He shakily lifted his hands to his guqin. “We will both be 'baba'.”
“Lan Zhan! Don’t do this to me! My heart simply can’t take it!”
Lan Zhan felt a shaky smile form on his cheeks, while the tears continued to fall. He felt exhausted suddenly. This day had been chalk-full of emotions. A yawn overtook him, and he could do nothing but let it out loudly, his ears reddening in embarrassment.
“Ah. It must be approaching bedtime for all the good little Lan’s. I’ll let you prepare for bed.”
Lan Zhan’s eyes widened, suddenly feeling wide awake. His heart beat increased, suddenly scared about saying goodbye to Wei Ying. Wei Ying, sensing Lan Zhan’s panic, spoke up once more. “Don’t worry Lan Zhan. I’m not going anywhere yet. I'll stay a while longer if you don't mind.”
Lan Zhan nodded slowly, calming down once more. The sudden rush of adrenaline left him more tired than before. He managed to suppress a yawn, before responding to Wei Ying one last time, “Goodnight Wei Ying. Will me and A-Yuan be able to speak with you tomorrow?”
“Of course! I need to let my radish know how good he’s doing. Good night Lan Zhan. See you tomorrow.”
Lan Zhan nodded to himself, before finally standing up. He silently made his way to the bathroom, quickly but thoroughly completing his bedtime routine. By the time he made it into his bed, he was lethargic, feeling close to passing out. He laid down on his back with his arms folded on his chest and closed his eyes, thinking of Wei Ying’s smile and Wei Ying’s laugh. He couldn’t wait to talk to him again tomorrow.