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She loved him.
She loved him not.
She found Akutagawa attractive.
She had never found anyone attractive.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
Over and over.
And over.
She wanted a crush.
She did not want a crush.
She wanted to kiss Akutagawa.
She did not want to kiss Akutagawa.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
Over and over.
And over.
She wanted to be normal.
She did not want to be normal.
She wanted to have sex with Akutagawa.
She did not want to have sex with Akutagawa.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
Over and over.
And over.
The thoughts replayed in her head. A muddle of confused thoughts that led to headaches. She was an adult. She had a job. She should have graduated into the grown-up feelings by now, but she still felt as disinterested in sex and romance as she always had.
Maybe she just wasn’t trying hard enough? She could identify beauty but the attraction always fizzled, it was never enough to keep her interested. She decided she needed to push past the initial ‘meh’ and keep getting to know them, that’s what everyone else did right? Nobody just looked at someone and knew they were pretty and the one they wanted to have sex with?
So, she’d set her sights on Akutagawa, she saw him everyday and she found herself warming up to him. Objectively he wasn’t ugly, hair a little strange, but it went with the whole gothic Lolita-ish vibe he was going for. The lack of eyebrows made reading his facial expressions a little tough, but it helped her to learn the other tells. In all, Akutagawa seemed like an acceptably attractive man to try dating.
To help her on her quest to be a normal, young woman interested in dating she sneaked a few copies of her little sister’s teen magazines. The magazines were full of advice on how to get the boy or girl of your dreams. She was certain, with these tips at her disposal, Akutagawa would be hers and that thought didn’t scare her. Nope, not one bit.
Her attempts at wooing Akutagawa were as successful as her attempts at keeping her interest in him consistent. Akutagawa’s responses went from tepid to angry, but he never said no, and that was enough for her to feel like she was doing something right. There was also the fact that her over the top attempts stopped anyone questioning her love life, she’d at least passed that normal test.
She had assumed that the confused thoughts would have left as her confidence in her flirting and romantic skills grew. But they were still as loud as ever, confusing her at every turn. Her frustration grew.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
She was doing everything she was supposed to.
She didn’t want to be doing this.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
He loved her.
He lover her not.
Over and over.
And over.
“Why don’t you love me?” she yelled out.
Akutagawa turned to face her, and she blinked, she had been so wrapped up in her thoughts she’d forgotten she wasn’t alone. In fact, they were walking back to the car along with Hirotsu and Gin after a mission.
“Love?” Akutagawa sneered, “Who in the Mafia has time for love?”
He stepped closer to her, close enough it was clear to Gin and Hirotsu that Akutagawa’s words were meant only for Higuchi, even though it was quiet enough for them to hear them. They busied themselves checking their phones as Akutagawa continued.
“I know what you’re feeling.”
“Excuse me?” Higuchi asked, confused.
“You don’t experience attraction, at least not like everyone else, right? But you want to feel normal. You’re in the Mafia so that marks you as different, not like our peers who are off living a life we’ll never get. So, you try to mimic the parts you can get, the romance, the love. It’s better if it’s someone with as bloody a history as your own, so you grab onto the first person you find that oh they don’t look too bad and try. I get it, it’s confusing navigating your own sexuality, but for those like us we need someone special who can understand the weird brokenness you feel inside.” Akutagawa stopped to cough. “I know how much the illusion means, I try not to be too harsh in my rejections, enough to make it look like you just need to try harder, even if your advances make me feel as uncomfortable as you are making them. You can keep trying to fool yourself and continue your attempts but I will never accept. You need to be true to who you are and stop trying to force something that will never be there.” Akutagawa paused and turned back to the others, “Now, enough of your silly fantasies about love. Take me home.”
“But…Akuta-“ Higuchi stumbled over her words. What did he mean? What did he know that she didn’t? She wasn’t broken, well, she didn’t want to acknowledge that word in connection with her lack of interest in dating. Not being normal that was fixable with enough effort, but she’d never been any good at fixing broken things.
She drove Akutagawa and Gin home leaving only Hirotsu in the car as they made their way back to headquarters.
“You did good today. Your firearms skills are getting better every time you use them.” Hirotsu broke the silence.
“Thank you.”
“I couldn’t help but overhear Akutagawa’s little speech.”
“Oh, it was nothing, sorry for wasting your time with my silly follies.” She didn’t need a mirror to know she was blushing.
“It’s okay, he had a point you know. Have you ever heard of asexuality?”
“Yes, I saw it in one of my little sister’s teen magazines. It’s a lack of sexual attraction, I didn’t really get it, but each to their own, I guess. What does that have to do with Akutagawa-san?”
“He’s asexual, he went through a similar route to working it out as you are. A bordering on obsessive interest in someone who is clearly disinterested and not suitable for them. It’s hard to put it in words when you don’t realise there are words for it, it’s why he tried to help you out. He asked me first of course, I seem to have drawn the asexual and aromantic talk card.” He laughed.
“Huh?!”
“Well Mori covers the boys and their sexuality questions, Kouyou takes the girls and I take the next stage when they realise, they don’t quite fit what they’ve been taught about. I mean Mori and Kouyou cover it too but I guess people just feel more comfortable talking to the old man.” Hirotsu paused, “you of course covered sex ed in school so you missed Kouyou’s ahem thorough sex ed.”
Higuchi pulled into her parking space and turned to Hirotsu.
“Akutagawa and I might be wrong. It might be a word that only suits you for a short time, but please look into, it will help you to learn more about yourself, I’ll always be here for questions. The Mafia is a hard place to survive in, don’t let silly hang-ups about your love life weigh you down, you’re growing into a lovely woman Higuchi-kun, whoever gets to call themselves yours will be a lucky person indeed.”
“Th…thank you Hirotsu-san.” Higuchi took a deep breath, not wanting to cry at her superiors kind words.
“No problem, why don’t you take the rest of the day off? I’ll take care of the reports.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’ve work hard, it will be no problem.” Hirotsu smiled and opened the car door, “have a nice evening. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Good night and thank you.”
The car door slammed and Higuchi started the drive home.
She loved him.
She loved him not.
She did not find Akutagawa attractive.
She had never found anyone attractive.
She did not want to kiss anyone.
She was not normal.
She did not want to be normal.
She loved herself.
And that was good enough.