Work Text:
Bakugou might have a problem.
"You are so fucking annoying!"
To his credit, he was doing relatively okay until said problem. In the larger timeline of things, this was just a minor setback. A slip of the tongue.
"You couldn't even find your dick, if I strung it with Christmas lights and dangled it from a telephone pole! While you're still attached to it!"
This was an isolated incident, you see. All fifteen other interactions with this man were handled with award-winning patience. But this one brought Bakugou to his limit, and so, like his therapist suggested, he calmly asked the man to leave.
"It's obvious you traded shitty hair for an actual brain, so get the fuck out, before I smash your empty skull into the ground!"
To help Bakugou's case even further, the red-haired fu— customer didn't even file a complaint! He just left. That's what happened, and that's what he told Sero as he skimmed the notification of termination Bakugou received the same day.
Sero gave Bakugou a deadpan look, and the latter shifted in his seat, averting his gaze.
Sero raised an eyebrow. "Christmas lights?"
"Okay— you don't understand," Bakugou started, nearly jumping out of his seat to pace back and forth. "It's one thing to deal with dumbass customers, but I swear he was targeting me! He did this on purpose!"
"I don't know, Bakugou," Sero drawled, swinging in his hammock. "You think every stranger you meet is out to get you."
"I'm not being fucking paranoid this time, I'm dead serious!" He urged.
"Alright, if you say so." Sero raised his hands in surrender. "But you have to tell me the full story to prove it– no cutting corners. Don't say you asked him to leave, when you actually..." He looked back down at the paper. "...threatened to 'smash his empty skull in'."
Bakugou scoffed. "Fine. I have to start from two weeks ago..."
It wasn't until Bakugou's second week that the source of his torment began his sick game. He had entered the store with a bored look that lit up once he spotted Bakugou. The man was tall, and he looked even taller with his bright red hair that stuck out in every direction. He was wearing a matching red top with the sleeves cut off, so his super toned arms were on display. He was wearing shorts too, so Bakugou could see his legs weren't anything to scoff at either—
"Sorry to interrupt," Sero said. "But are these details necessary?"
"Yes," Bakugou said with a serious face. Then, a little quieter, "It means he was strong enough to dodge."
Sero's jaw dropped. "You assaulted a customer?!"
"No, I didn't! He dodged!"
"I'm not getting my job back," Sero breathed. "Why did I think you could fill in again?"
"Because I'm awesome and good at everything!" Bakugou yelled. "He sabotaged me, just let me get there!"
Bakugou was stationed near the aisles to offer help if needed, and Big Red took the opportunity. He strolled over with a big smile, opened his mouth, and... nothing came out.
"Can I help you?" Bakugou asked, with none of the cheer his boss expected.
"Um, do you know where the..uh… protein powder is?"
Bakugou's brow furrowed, and he looked directly to his left at the various brands of protein powder, and back up at the man, who just laughed awkwardly.
"It'll be to your right," he informed.
"Oh, thanks!" Shitty Hair said with a smile, grabbing a tub and walking away as if this was not the single, most useless interaction he'd ever had in his life.
"So you cursed him out and tried to tackle him?"
"Shut up, that wasn't until way later! This was just the start of his scheme."
Bakugou would see Shitty Hair pretty much every day after that. At first it was just dumb questions, like "Do you guys sell eggs?", or "I want to buy this apple, but there's no barcode on it?". Bakugou could manage that. But then, he began to antagonize Bakugou further.
"How do you open one of these?"
This man walked all the way from the produce area, to ask BAKUGOU SPECIFICALLY how to open a plastic bag.
Bakugou prided himself on his ability to handle himself here. He silently held out a hand, asking for the bag. By the grace of God and All Might, Shitty Hair got the hint and handed the bag over.
Flipping it right side up, Katsuki demonstrated opening the bag.
"You have really nice hands."
Katsuki ripped the bag.
"He really said that?" Sero chuckled.
"Yes! And I didn't punch him after that! I just handed him the bag and left. You should be singing my praises." Bakugou stated, as if that was the obvious conclusion.
"I'll admit, that is impressive for you."
Anyway, that was when things started to get shaky. Not only would he have to answer ridiculous questions, he had to field interactions outside of the customer service script! That bastard acted like they were friends or something!
"Which of these snacks would you recommend?"
Bakugou shrugged incredulously. "The f– I don't know, that one?"
"Ooh, interesting choice! Do you like spicy things?"
"Do you need anything else?" Bakugou grit his teeth.
One time, Shitty Hair needed help reading a small print, and when Bakugou looked up from what he was reading he came nose to nose with him. He was that close, and for what?!
Another time, the day before he got fired, Bakugou was minding his business, shelving cereals. He was struggling a bit to get the ones on the top shelf, but he had it covered. No matter, though, because here came Shitty Hair, barging into his business for no good fucking reason.
He sidled up behind Bakugou, and put the cereal box on the top shelf with ease. Bakugou started fuming. Like, his face literally turned red and he wouldn't be surprised if steam came out of his ears. His muscular chest– this guy was really muscular– had pressed up right on Bakugou's back, and he said, "There you go," right behind his ear. Bakugou was shaking. With rage.
"Right. Rage," Sero muttered.
"You got something to say, Tape Face?!"
"Not at all!" Sero grinned. "It's just, this guy sounds like he has a... an ulterior motive."
Bakugou clapped his hands. "Ha! I told you! He was after me!"
"Yeah. Something like that," Sero said. Then, he crossed his arms. "So what happened the day of?"
The day he got fired was filled with his biggest irritants. He was working the evening shift, which was way past the time he usually goes to sleep, and it was a Saturday so the store was crowded as hell. He had to ward off at least three older ladies who couldn't understand that coupons can expire. All of that alone was meltdown-worthy, but it wasn't the end. It was still just a prelude to the main villain that ruined his day, and maybe Sero's reputation.
Bakugou thought he was safe before that. He was stationed behind the counter tonight, so one of the other people on the floor would be a victim to Shitty Hair's terrible sense of direction. Unfortunately, he was mistaken.
He found Bakugou. He scoped him out like a shark that found blood. As soon as they locked eyes, that bastards face lit up, while Bakugou closed his eyes and sighed. It was 30 minutes to closing anyway, he just needed to get this over with as quick as possible. Then he could take a convenient 25 minute break.
"Sorry," Shitty Hair started, "but I think I lost my phone. If I give you my number, can you call it for me?"
Bakugou shrugged, because what the hell? What's one more dumbass request at this point? He pulled out his phone and opened the dial. "Go on."
Dumb Hair gave the digits, surprisingly not forgetting a single one. Bakugou set the phone face up and pressed call. A beat later, a sugary pop song began blasting from that dumbass's pocket.
"You are so fucking annoying!..."
Sero winced. "That was it?"
"That was it."
"...get the fuck out, before I smash your empty skull into the ground!"
Bakugou huffed, out of breath from the rant. He glared at Shitty Hair, who was awestruck.
His mouth closed, then opened a couple times. Then, because he couldn't seem to resist setting Bakugou off even further, he asked one final question. Or rather, he started to.
"...Where's the exi—"
It was completely rational for Bakugou to hop onto the counter and immediately dive towards his bright red eyes that possessed not a single thought. He stated his intention right before, and this bastard reaped the consequences. Well, almost. He did dodge, and Bakugou went flying into the bread display. The villain made a timely escape, proving that he DID know where the exit was, and he was INTENTIONALLY sabotaging Bakugou.
"We need to leave town," Sero said, his head in his hands.
"I'm not fucking running away from this! Let that motherfucker press charges with me, I'll beat his ass!"
"You can't talk about beating anyone's ass for at least three months."
Bakugou tch-ed and sat back in his chair. After a moment, he spoke again. "Sorry. I really thought I could handle it for at least a month. Fucking Shitty Hair–!"
"Dude, don't work yourself up again. I get it, okay? That was a hard situation to be in. We'll figure something out." Sero said. "You're doing therapy for your anger issues, right? He could vouch for you too if it really comes down to it."
"Whatever," Bakugou gristled. "We can figure it out tomorrow. It's late as fuck," he remarked, checking his phone that read 2:16 am. At the same time, a notification popped up with a text from an unknown number.
"You're right." Sero stood up and stretched, his elbows popping. "Here, keep this, and don't set it on fire."
"I'm not an idiot!" Bakugou snapped, snatching the paper from Sero, who made a doubtful noise.
~~~
Later that night, Bakugou curled up in his bed. He opened his phone to turn off his alarms, because the last thing he needed was to be woken up at 6:30 for a job he didn't have anymore. The text message from earlier caught his eye in the corner.
Curious, Bakugou opened the message. Who would text him so late? The numbers sounded familiar.
From: 070-420-1016
I'm so sorry about today!! And earlier!!! I promise I'll make it up to you!!!!
2:16 AM
No fucking way.
Bakugou sat up out of pure shock. This hot mess had the gall to contact him after everything he put Bakugou through?!
"No texting past 9 pm," Bakugou repeated his therapist's words to himself, willing his fingers away from the letters c, f, k, o, u, and y.
Instead, he opted to throw his extremely durable phone against the wall, turn over, and go to sleep.
~~~
The ride back to the grocery store was silent. Bakugou had shown Sero the text message, which gave him a little hope, but things were still too tense and uncertain for either of them to strike up a conversation.
To their surprise, when they entered Mr. Rush's office, they weren't met with charges, or even a complaint. Just a glowing review from Shitty Hair himself.
His name was actually Eijiro Kirishima, and he went on and on about how "patient and helpful" Bakugou was, and his "small outburst"– yes, Kirishima called it small– was purely born of Kirishima's embarrassingly dumb words. He told Mr. Rush that he got startled from the outburst, tripped and fell into the bread display, and rushed out. That was it.
"What the f-mmgh!"
"That's so gracious of Mr. Kirishima!" Sero exclaimed, covering Bakugou's mouth. "I will still take full responsibility, please take the damaged bread out of my next paycheck."
Bakugou wrestled Sero's hand off of his mouth. "Just take it out of my paycheck! I was the one who– startled him."
That wasn't the only grievance from his boss, though. When he frantically inquired about the outburst itself, Sero explained that there were... extenuating circumstances. Bakugou volunteered information as well, mentioning that he was currently working on his anger issues with a professional.
Mr. Rush did acquiesce, remarking that aside from customer interactions, Bakugou was indeed a diligent employee like Sero said. He always got the job done well, without excuses. So, with three apologies, no charges, and no complaint to leverage, Mr. Rush allowed Sero to resume his position, and kindly asked Bakugou to never work here again. In fact, he advised Bakugou to avoid customer service entirely.
"I'm not letting some extra tell me what I can and can't do," Bakugou grumbled as they walked through the automatic doors of the store.
"Well, as a non-extra to you, I'll say it: you should avoid customer service entirely." Sero said.
"You—!" Bakugou stopped walking.
"What?" Sero said. "What comeback could you possibly have after this? Oh."
Sero had never seen him before, but there was no mistaking that hair.
It wasn't that Bakugou drew a blank, his train of thought was just interrupted. About ten meters away, the infamous "Shitty Hair" stood in the parking lot holding something. It was 12° C outside and the only layer he wore was a cargo vest. Was he allergic to sleeves or something?
"Let's leave." Bakugou said, going to the left.
"Hey, wait! Let's go see him!" Sero grabbed Bakugou's arm and started toward Kirishima.
"Fuck no, I hate that guy!" Bakugou tried to tug his arm away.
"That's like, the opposite of true, you were ogling his arms just now. I wanna meet the guy behind all of this!"
"Well I already have!" Bakugou wrenched his arm from Sero's grip, and walked toward Sero's car.
Sero sighed. It was time to use his ultimate move.
"I mean, it's fine if you're scared to talk to him now, but didn't you say you wouldn't run away from this?" Sero asked, his tone innocent.
Bakugou stopped walking. "You motherfucker."
"I'm just saying–" Sero cut himself off with a yelp as Bakugou dragged his arm, storming toward Kirishima.
They walk up to Kirishima, who seemed to steel himself under Bakugou's heated gaze. Once they stopped in front of him, he bowed at the waist and held out a bag of hot chips.
"Please accept these apology chips!"
"Fuck off!"
"Come on, Bakugou, you heard the review." Sero urged. "At least take 'em, they're your favorite."
"Shut up, Tape Face!" He snatched the chips from Kirishima's outstretched hand. "This doesn't change anything."
"My name's Sero Hanta." Sero held out a hand to shake Kirishima's. "I've uh, heard a lot about you."
"I'm very sorry about that," Kirishima said, hanging his head, but shaking his hand anyway.
"Don't sweat it! I'm just glad I still have my job and nobody's going to court!" Sero laughed.
"Yeah, well, the whole thing was my fault," Kirishima said, rubbing the back of his head.
"Still, 170 centimeters of pure muscle flying at you in a grocery store is uncalled for—"
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Bakugou shouted, startling the person walking past the three. "Are you done, idiot?" He glared at Kirishima.
"Not yet." Kirishima said, with a different conviction from before.
Sero smiled. "I'll be in the car, Bakugou." As he passed Kirishima, he stopped, and put a hand on his shoulder. "Some advice: you're not the only idiot, especially when it comes to stuff like this. I would be direct."
Bakugou gaped at the insult, but Sero was gone before he could retaliate. It was just him and Shitty Hair.
"Well," Bakugou started, because he wasn't a coward. "I'm sorry for attacking you. But I don't regret anything else! You really piss me off, you know that?"
It was more insult than apology, but Bakugou couldn't be assed to revise his words. He meant each and every one.
"That's fair," Kirishima agreed. Then, he took a deep breath in.
"The protein powder is on aisle 6, the eggs are located on the back left of the store, the cereal is on aisle 8 towards the middle, and apples cost 200 yen per kilogram. Oh, and corned beef has been to space."
Bakugou scowled. "What the fuck are you talking about—?"
"Your favorite snack is habanero chips–" Kirishima held up a hand– "but sometimes you eat wasabi rice crackers." He pulled out another bag, one that he was hiding behind his back, and shoved it into Bakugou's arms.
Kirishima continued, "The calluses on your hands remind me of a gymnast, which explains why you were able to leap so easily. You're so strong, and you're extremely diligent. You put up with me until the end, even though I got on your every nerve, because you didn't want your friend to worry."
In a strange turn of events, Bakugou's mouth opened and closed again. To be described with such attentiveness by the most absent-minded person he'd ever met was unnerving. That's why his heart began to pound. There was no other reason.
"I'm not stupid, but I am an idiot for not coming to you directly." Kirishima reached into his vest pocket, and pulled out a single yellow camellia.
"I...I think you're really manly, and attractive, and I wanted to talk to you, but I choked and just started asking really stupid questions instead." Kirishima squeezed the flower stem. "I should've just asked the really important one. So, if you're not ready to smash my empty skull in just yet," he laughed. "Will you go out with me, Bakugou Katsuki?"
Kirishima held out the flower, and he smiled softly. "This flower reminded me of your hair," he mused, lining the myriad of blooming petals with the outline of Bakugou's blond spikes.
Bakugou's ears were burning. Half his face was burning, and it probably wasn't from rage. He took the flower without saying a word, and twirled it between his fingers, studying it closely.
Shitty Hair was trying to flirt with him this whole time.
Bakugou looked up, shifting his intense gaze toward Kirishima. "I like spicy food," he started, dumbly.
"I know," Kirishima smiled.
"I teach gymnastics to brats on weekdays."
"Okay," Kirishima nodded.
"And I still think you're a dumbass."
"...That's fair," Kirishima sighed.
Bakugou paused, still twirling the flower in his hand. Kirishima marveled as his face began to heat up even further, almost like that time he came up behind him–
"A Sunday works best. Just– let me know. You have my number, obviously." After that, Bakugou turned robotically on his heel and walked straight to Sero's car. He was so focused on the flower in his hand, he didn't even hear the exclamation behind him.
Sero glanced up from his phone as his roommate got into the car looking shellshocked. He was still flushed, and now holding two snacks and a flower.
"Oh ho, so when's the date?" Sero asked, starting the car.
"I never told him corned beef went to space."
"What?"
"Why did he tell me that?"
Sero let his confused gaze linger for a second, but then he relented, giving a non-committal shrug and backing out of the parking lot. They'll talk about it later, when oxygen returns to Bakugou's brain.