Work Text:
Holdin' me back
Gravity's holdin' me back
I want you to hold out the palm of your hand
Why don't we leave it at that?
Nothin' to say
When everything gets in the way
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I'm the one who will stay, oh
Johannes Dale had expected a lot of things from his season’s end. He had expected to perform at Oslo with his teammates from the Ibu Cup, he had expected to finally have an opportunity to prove his worth. In his wildest dream he had hoped; not expected because in the end he was too realistic for that; to prove he was worthy of getting back on the Elite group of the national team. To go back to the World Cup, to perform with his usual teammates and his friends. To finally go back to his initial routine of training with Sturla and Vetle, of sharing his room with Vetle, of filming dumb stuff with him…
If he was being honest, his routine could be summarized by Vetle’s name. When he was in the national team Vetle was always around him, was always here for him. It had started when he had first joined the team as a young and naïve biathlete. Doing his first races in the world cup had been weird in the beginning, having no friend in the team, knowing almost no one in the others team. It was a lonely experience until Vetle decided to become his friend. He did so with a lot of stubbornness and persistence, like he did everything else in his life. Even when Johannes went back to Ibu Cup after his first races in Nove Mesto Na Morave Vetle kept in contact with him. Always sending him dumb memes at first, or random selfies. Then he started sending words of encouragement, taking time on his busy schedule to support Johannes in the Ibu Cup. Johannes had been shy at first, after all Vetle was a senior athlete with more experience than him. He was also a man that never hid what he thought, that always spoke his mind and had an opinion on everything. From the Ibu rules to chess and the environment, sometimes it seems there was no subject that Vetle couldn’t talk about confidently. Of course, Johannes had been shy at first, and unsure of what that overly confident man saw in a small biathlete like him. If he was being honest, he wasn’t even sure what Vetle saw in him after their years of friendship.
Despite not understanding their friendship Johannes had hoped to come back to it while coming back into the Elite team. After all, despite his almost catastrophic year he had done very well in the end of the Ibu Cup. Even if he missed the last races of the years because of Covid he had hoped it would have been enough to be able to train with the Elite team like he had done for the last years. It seemed like it hadn’t been, if the list posted on their website was to be believed. Because his name wasn’t on it. He had looked at it for a while before sitting on the wooden floor of his house. He had looked over and over again, hoping to see his name magically appearing next to Vetle. Then he had looked at the 2nd team. After all, training officially with the Ibu Team was better than training alone, than being left behind without any ideas if he was going to be in any team in September. His name was there at least, that was better than nothing. The fact that Erlend name wasn’t on this list despite his strong success in the Ibu Cup was clearly a proof that being on the 2nd team was better than nothing.
Erlend had called him soon after. It wasn’t surprising, they were the two losers of the selections after all. Him, having lost officially his right to train with his usual teammates, and Erlend having even lost the right to train officially under the supervision of the Norwegian team. Somehow, Johannes was sure Erlend must have done something that had angered someone high on the Norwegian team. Maybe one of the trainers, maybe one of the Bø’s brothers. He would certainly never know but there was definitely something wrong with how the team was treating him. He had expected Erlend to be angry, to scream, to be a painful reminder that in the end Johannes wasn’t in the worst situation. That in the end he had no right to be angry or bitter, because he still had the support of the Norwegian team. Erlend would have the right to think so and to say so. But he didn’t.
“How are you dealing with it?” Erlend had asked, his voice full of compassion for Johannes. He made it sound like Johannes was certainly more heartbroken than he was, which made no sense.
“I’m… truly not sure. I should be the one asking you that” Johannes had answered, surprised when Erlend had only laughed softly.
“I’m an old man Johannes. I wasn’t expecting the team to still support me after this year anyways, especially with what I said during the Olympic selection.” He had paused for a second before continuing “Actually no one knows about it but I thought about retiring at the end of this season… Now I got to say I really want to go on, just out of spite.”
Johannes had been surprised to laugh.
“Is that your motivation to go on?”
“It’s a motivation like any other. Trust me, when everyone is turning their back on you, you find any kind of motivation you can to go on.” Erlend had answered jokingly but Johannes could feel there was some truth in what he was saying. Maybe that was why Erlend was still here. Because he found motivation in everything, even the things that were wrong.
“You should find a motivation like that you know. If you want to be here even in 10 years.”
“I want to be the best biathlete I can possibly be. Isn’t that enough motivation?” Johannes had asked as if Erlend would find the words no one had ever find before to motivate him again, to make him good like he had been before.
“That’s a goal kid. Not a motivation. Your motivation should be the cane that will support you while you walk toward your goal. The thing that will make the way to your goal possible.” Erlend had answered, and if it wasn’t the magics words Johannes wanted it was maybe a way to find them.
“Maybe I should choose spite like you.” Johannes answered, his voice more emotional than he wanted. He had the right to be full of spite towards their team, giving up on him after only a few bad races.
“You could but trust me… spite is a lonely and bitter way. You are young and still on the team, other things can be a way better motivation. Things like friendship, competitiveness, love…”
“Love?” Johannes had asked, an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Why did he feel so targeted by this word suddenly?
“Yeah, best motivation in the world while it lasts. After all, who wouldn’t do the impossible for love.”
It felt like Erlend was telling him something very personal, something he couldn’t understand yet.
“I don’t see how love would make it possible for me to go back to the Elite team” Johannes had muttered, unsure if he wanted Erlend to hear about his thoughts.
“You don’t? Maybe you should think about it then. That might open your world to new possibilities. Think about stories like The Little Mermaid, the goal for Ariel was to become human but the motivation was always love.” Erlend took a long pause, as if he was trying to find a better way to get Dale to understand.
“Just for a second, think about all the incredible or almost impossible stuff people do for love. Imagine applying that motivation to biathlon. Wanting to be the best to be closer to a person you love, wanting to be the best to be on their level and finally be enough for them. Wanting to be the best so they finally see you.”
Clearly, Erlend wasn’t giving him an empty example like the Little Mermaid this time. It was a personal one.
“Just think about it alright? Wouldn’t want you to become a spiteful lonely man like me.” Erlend had said in a way too serious tone before talking a final time, his voice full of humor this time.
“I’m sure you will find the right motivation, and then soon you will be back to the World Cup and you will be able to ignore all my weird ideas!”
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it's not the same
“So, is there any reason you are avoiding Vetle?” Sturla had asked when Johannes had finally answered him after ignoring eight of his calls.
Johannes wouldn’t say he was ignoring Vetle, he was just taking a bit of time off after the team’s announcement and didn’t feel ready yet to talk to Vetle… Yeah, maybe ignoring Vetle was a shorter way to say that.
“I’m not ignoring him.” Johannes had answered, his voice sounding unconvinced even to his own ears. Certainly, because he was as convinced as Sturla was, which meant not at all.
“Well, he seems to get the idea that you are ignoring him. Because that’s the only thing he talks about each time he sees me, or anyone else.”
“I wonder if he is missing me” Johannes thought to himself, an uncomfortable yet familiar sensation settling in his stomach. He left out a soft sigh. He wasn’t supposed to think like that, wondering if Vetle was missing him, if he was still so attached to him despite his failures and flaws. He had never thought like that before his conversation with Erlend, and especially not with that sensation in his stomach.
“I’m not ignoring Vetle, I just need… time to think about stuff.”
“If you ever need to talk about stuff, you know I’m here, right?” Sturla answered, nice enough not to insist on the Vetle’s subject. Johannes nodded softly, forgetting for a second that he was on the phone and Sturla couldn’t see him. If things were as they were before the two of them wouldn’t be having that talk on the phone. Sturla would have come to his room, kick Vetle out for a while and sit next to him on the bed. He would have brought chocolates and tissue like he always did when he came for a serious conversation. Maybe it would have been easier to talk about stuff then. When they both were in the same team, when they both were closer to each other.
“I know” He said even if he really meant “I don’t want to bother you with that stuff”.
“You never bother me and I’m sure Vetle would be happy to know that you are at least talking to one of us, even if it’s not him.”
“I know” Johannes said once again, unsure of what else he could say. Vetle was a good person, of course he would feel happier knowing one of his closest friends was okay. The problem in that situation wasn’t Vetle, it was Johannes himself. It was the fact that Erlend’s words about love and motivation has created something in him. Or maybe awaken something more than created it.
“According to Johannes, Vetle looks like a kicked puppy every evening. Always talking about you, saying how he misses you. I think he even had words about your situation with our coaches. I’m not sure they appreciated it.” Sturla said, his voice making it sound like he sharing some secret he wasn’t supposed to talk about. Johannes knew his friend well enough to know it was his roundabout way to tell him to answer Vetle’s calls.
“I’ll…try to make some time to call Vetle soon. I don’t want him to feel sad, you know?” He said uncomfortably. Sturla always had good advice, but sometimes he wished he could ignore it for a moment. Being selfish and ignoring Vetle was easier than trying to deal with whatever Erlend had caused in him.
“I know. You’re a good friend Johannes, you wouldn’t want him to be sad. Don’t think too much about it just call him.”
Answer the phone
"Harry, you're no good alone
Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?"
Ringin' the bell
And nobody's comin' to help
Your daddy lives by himself
He just wants to know that you're well, oh
Johannes hadn’t called Vetle. Truthfully it wasn’t like he had decided not to call him or to ignore him. At first after his conversation with Sturla he had decided to call his friend. Maybe it would be weird, maybe he would think about Erlend weird advice while they were talking, but he couldn’t let Vetle be sad because he was unable to put his thought into the right place.
Then the dream had happened. The weirdest dream Johannes ever had in his life, and once he had dreamt about a weird universe where he had tentacles.
At first the dream had been very normal, very casual. He was training with the Elite’s team once again, sharing his room with Vetle like they did most of the time, everything was back to normal. At least it seemed so, until the dream took another way. Vetle had put one of his large hands on Johannes thigh to comfort him after he had missed too many shoots during a training. That had happened before, it was normal after all for friend to comfort each other. What followed had been new.
The hand hadn’t stayed on his thigh. It had gone up to a spot that Vetle had never touched before. Vetle shouldn’t touch him there even in dream. And Johannes shouldn’t want it. The hand hadn’t been the only things on his body in that dream. Vetle had left a trail of kisses on his chest, marking Johannes like he belonged to him. It felt like his hands were everywhere, making Johannes burn with desire every time they touched him. The rest of the dream was a blur of moans and pleasure, and Johannes had woken up ashamed and hard like he had never been before in his life.
It was a weird dream, and Johannes had blamed Erlend stupid ideas for it at first. Before the dream had happened again, and again…to a point he wasn’t sure there was one night he hadn’t been dreaming of Vetle. Sometimes they did nothing sexual in these dreams, Vetle just held him, hugged him and whispered sweet words to him. At that point he wasn’t sure Erlend could be blame for it. Maybe his words about love and motivation had unlocked something, but there was no way it had created it. Suddenly so many interactions with Vetle had made so much sense. How Johannes had always been so happy when they were sharing a room, how he had always like watching Vetle shoot or train. How he had always felt so weird and uneasy when Vetle was gone even for a short period of time. How flustered he had felt at first when Vetle had shown kindness and friendship towards him. Once him and Sturla had talked about the expectations they had when meeting the older members of the team versus the reality of their interaction with them. Sturla had always laughed about his expectation of Johannes compared to the reality of who he was. At least he had done so for a long time when Johannes had been on the team. Especially after the youngest Bø of the team had given flowers to Sturla and invited him on a date.
Sturla once told him that before they joined the team, he used to have so kind of crush on the youngest Bø. Johannes had always admired how open Sturla was about his bisexuality and his love life, because he personally wasn’t open about it. He had never told his own best friend that he had some kind of weird admiration for Vetle before he joined the World Cup. A weird admiration that he would have considered a crush if it had been felt towards a woman.
Maybe Erlend’s words had made that weird admiration that was almost a crush come back. Or maybe it had never left. Maybe Johannes had been ignoring it for years, hiding himself under the comfortable pretense of friendship. Hiding under the comfortable pretense of heterosexuality.
It was too much of a revelation to have out of nowhere. It was unthinkable right now to call Vetle. What would Johannes even say? “Hey, sorry for not talking before, I was sad about not making it on the best team. Then Erlend tried to motivate me but he created a love and sexuality crisis, so now I have a crush on you that might have been here for years and that I ignored by hiding under our friendship? Sorry for not calling earlier by the way?”
That would be honest, but that would be crazy. And that would also be the end of his friendship with Vetle. Especially if Johannes was dumb enough to talk about his dream. Well, his dreams. Regular dreams that happened almost every night he remembered dreaming.
So, in summary, no calling Vetle was planned for at least the next two months. He had hoped it might be enough for his brain to get over whatever crush had had cultivated for the last few years, get over the dreams, and get over the frustration of not training with Vetle.
It might have been enough, really. If Vetle wasn’t knocking on his door right now. Johannes knew it was Vetle. His friend had called him today, despite not having tried for the last days. Sturla had texted, telling him “I tried to convince him you needed some time off but you know how Vetle is when he has an idea. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. Please, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do was Sturla usual kind way to tell him to not fucked up a situation, and to think before acting. It was also his weird old soul way to tell Johannes to have fun and to enjoy a situation like he would.
So Vetle was at his door, knocking again. Sturla had given him a confusing advice about thinking before acting, but enjoying whatever was going to happen. Really, Johannes was confused about what he could do. He considered texting Erlend in his panic, before remembering that he was certainly the last person he should ask advice from considering his current situation.
In summary, he was lost. He felt himself moved toward the door, his hand touching the handle with hesitation. He could pretend not to be here, but would that even work? Vetle was known for never giving up, and Johannes wouldn’t be that surprised to wake up tomorrow morning to find his friend sleeping in front of the door.
He moved his hand, opening the door slowly. He could het through whatever was happening in his life right now. He could talk to Vetle normally, make him leave, and pretend nothing was wrong.
When he opened the door Vetle was different than he remembered. It was a silly thing to say, after all it wasn’t like they hadn’t seen each other for years. Well, they had last seen each other in Oestersund. Vetle busy schedule with the Olympics and the World Cup combined with Covid restriction made any meeting impossible during the year. And now that they were free of that for a bit Johannes was too…unwell to even consider seeing Vetle. His hair was shorter than it was before, close to the length he had when he had chosen to bleach it to platinum blond. Vetle’s body was still the same, strong and tall as it always was. It was hard now to look at his arms and his hands and not to think about the dreams. Really hard. Johannes forced his focus back to his friend face, trying to ignore all the bad thing his brain was thinking about. There was something sad about Vetle’s face, his usual smile was gone replace by a worried thin line that was definitely caused by Johannes.
Johannes expected a sad hello, or some anger from Vetle. He certainly wasn’t expecting the bone crushing hug he was receiving.
“Vetle?” He said in his friend shoulder, not daring to move. It was way to close to the beginning of some of his dream for him to be at ease.
“Just give me a second, please.” Vetle almost begged, his hand holding Johannes’s waist with strength. Johannes was used to Vetle’s hugs, but none of them had been so desperate before. He softly put his hand around Vetle, after all if his friend wanted to hug him there was nothing wrong with hugging him back. He was so comfortable here, between the arms of Vetle. There was no question suddenly, no wondering about a potential hug or anything else. There was just comfort and affection, a feeling of belonging finally. Something he hadn’t felt in so long in the Ibu Cup or in his team. It was overwhelming and scary to feel so at home between the arms of someone.
“Are you okay Johannes?” Vetle asked softly, making Johannes realised that he had started to cry while they were hugging. He tried to move to wipe his tears but Vetle arms kept him firmly against him.
“I’m fine really, real fine.” He answered his voice half laughing half crying. It mustn’t have convinced Vetle because he hugged him even harder, almost making it hard to breath.
“You don’t seem fine. You’ve been gone for so long and I thought… I thought after all these months we could finally see each other but then the announcement came and you were unreachable. I’ve been worried.” Vetle explained with a soft voice, like he was talking to a scared broken animal that might fly away and hurt himself in the process.
“Sturla told me. That you were worried.” He wanted to thank Vetle for worrying, for taking his side in front of the coaches and in front of the team. But thanking Vetle would give him the wrong idea. Make him think that talking back to the coaches was a good idea. Even if it wasn’t.
“You shouldn’t have talked about it to the coaches. That could get you in troubles. You don’t want to end up like…” Johannes stopped himself before he could finish that fated sentence. “You don’t want to end up like me or Erlend”
Vetle let him out of his arms, yet keeping him close by clenching his wrist strongly.
“What the worst they could do anyway. Send me to Ibu Cup again? I’ve been there once and I climbed out of it. And even if they did send me there, at least we would be together.”
“Why would you ever be okay with going back to Ibu Cup. Being with a friend isn’t worth going to Ibu Cup, trust me.” He said almost bitterly, trying to stop his heart from jumping out of his chest. Vetle had chosen the words “be together” and it was really hard not to interpret them the wrong way. The “more than friendly” way.
Vetle’s hand started shaking. Johannes looked at it with worry. Had he said something wrong?
“You really don’t understand?” Vetle’s voice was surprised, like he just had an important revelation.
“Don’t understand what?” Johannes asked, confused like he had been during his conversation with Erlend.
“Why I would be okay with Ibu Cup if it meant being with you?”
Johannes shook his head.
“You repeating it won’t make me understand better you know?”
“I always ask to share your room. I’m giving you flowers for each of your birthday. Every time we’re together I try to get the two of us to share a meal alone, without anyone else.” Vetle took a long pause before continuing.
“I’ve been trying to ask you out on a date for the last maybe… 1 and a half years?”
Johannes waited for the laugh that was supposed to come after the joke but it never came.
“Wait, you’re not joking? You’ve been trying to ask me out? But why?”
“Well, that’s a dumb question? Why do you ask people out? Because you like them, because they are cute, because you want to treat them right and kiss them every time you see them. A bit of all that, certainly.” Vetle answered like it made perfect sense. It surely made no sense for Johannes and his recent crush crisis.
“But you’re heterosexual?” it sounded more like a question than an affirmation but Johannes was 90% sure Vetle wasn’t interested in men. He had never talk about having a boyfriend before, or about feeling attracted to men.
“I’m not. Girls are pretty and cool and I’m attracted to them. But men are also pretty and cool, and everything that falls in between is too.” Vetle just announced that like it wasn’t something very important, like he wasn’t scared of telling that to Johannes. Like he trusted Johannes with that personal information.
“You’re … not heterosexual.” Johannes started saying, as if he was reading a recipe with many steps.
“Yep, I’m not.”
“And you are … attracted to me? Me, Johannes Dale?”
“Yes, I am. You seem so surprised, I’m sure everyone but you knew about it. Sturla said some stuff about “not doing anything he wouldn’t do” before leaving and Johannes had the audacity to ask me if I needed condoms. I was quite sure you knew but just… needed time to make a decision?”
“You thought I needed time. Like one and a half year? Who need that much time?” Johannes asked trying to get his brain to work again. The words “not heterosexual”, “interested in you” and “Johannes giving us condoms” were currently floating around Vetle and Johannes was having a hard time concentrating on anything else.
“I thought you did? Sturla kinda told me you used to have a weird crush on me before. So I thought you needed time, like he had needed with Johannes?”
“I never told Sturla I had a crush on you.”
Vetle’s face became sadder than it was before with just that simple sentence. Johannes tried to explain himself with a panicked voice.
“Not that I didn’t have one! I did, I still do! It’s kinda weird because I didn’t even knew I liked men before but Sturla and Erlend said weird stuff and…god I’m so sure the two of them knew and they were trying to help me and I was too confused to see it for fuck…”
His explanation was cut short by Vetle. More precisely by Vetle’s lips meeting his. It felt like fireworks were exploding in Johannes’s stomach. It wasn’t like in his dreams, it was even better. It was so real, and so warm and loving. It was everything Vetle was. Vetle took a step back, putting some space between them.
“Is that okay?” he asked carefully, and Johannes kissed him again as an answer. He was sure he had found his motivation to get back at his best level. But more importantly he had found Vetle, after all these years of being blind.
“It’s more than okay. But I’m expecting to get all the kisses and dates I didn’t have during the last 1 and a half years” he said after breaking their kiss, letting his hand rest on Vetle’s face. Vetle laughed, filling the air around them with his usual good mood. Johannes took a second to appreciate the laughter before speaking again, more jokingly this time.
“You know, I’m quite Erlend and Sturla are going to have the laugh of their life when they learn about it.”