Work Text:
“Oppa (오빠)”
내가사랑하는오빠 (To my dear Oppa),
It feels a little strange, that day’s scenario is still clear in my memory. I remember how the leaves would sway as I get sleepy in my Math class. How I burnt my ring finger during our Chemistry experiment. How my head felt dizzy seeing my English teacher’s red mark on my essay. How I was embarrassed in front of everybody after getting a zero in History. You don’t need to wait for me to admit it, I was good at nothing.
I remember how I ran fast straight to the canteen as soon as the bell rang. I want to be away from them. They were never ‘friends’ to me. I was wondering why people are crowding in the canteen. They seem to surround something. Someone. No, there are two of them. I saw a guy was kneeling down in front of the girl. ‘Please accept it, just this once! I beg you, what do I have to do to prove it to you?’ I heard you say. ‘Prove what? Are you not even ashamed doing it in front of them? You’re really something. Get up there and just give up.’ The girl replied. I wondered for a moment why the girl’s voice sounds familiar. I tried to focus to see who she is. Yes, my vision isn't good too, that’s why I’m wearing these real big glasses. Most of the time people mistake me for a nerd because of these, when actually I’m the exact opposite. I told you already, I’m good at nothing. But I was able to realize it a few seconds after. It was my sister’s. You're probably one of her suitors pestering her 24/7. I still remember how you got up on your knees, which leg first, which direction you turned around, how the wind blew the strands of your hair one by one. And I won’t deny it too. I’m a socially-diagnosed crazy girl.
I saw you once again. This time in front of our house. You're shouting my sister’s name like crazy. ‘I’m sorry Mister, but who are you?’ You looked at me with a confused expression. ‘Do you happen to be her little sister?’ Her little sister? Does it mean I look like her? My classmates would tell me I’m adopted because I don’t resemble my sister. ‘A…aah.hh th-th-that…’ These lips of mine, why do they have to fail me now? >.< ‘Y-y-yyy-yee-ess Wh-why?’ And just like that I ran inside the house with my heart beating like crazy.
I didn't think I would meet you again. No, absolutely not in my class. My classmates would tease me to death. I asked you what you want from me. It was obvious. You were seeking my help on how to get my sister’s heart. But why did I feel an ant bit my heart? It wasn't that painful but still it hurt. ‘Excuse me, but who are you Mister?’ I asked the question you didn't answer earlier. You smirked and patted my head. ‘Just call me, Oppa.’ You started walking but you were holding my hand. ‘Come with me, I’ll treat you to lunch. Do you like fried chicken?’ I was just being dragged, confused. I know I’m still eight years old but when I asked you who you were, I didn't mean your name, I wanted to know who you are in my sister’s life. Why you keep on pushing yourself to her no matter how many times she rejects you? You told me it’s because you love her. But is that how adults love? I thought to love is giving the girl you love a ring and taking her to the church to marry. I thought it’s about having children and living a happy and peaceful life.
Because I loved you Oppa, I won’t call it bribery, but you treated me to lunch every day. Every day until high school. Rumors even spread that you’re my biological father, that’s why you've been taking care of me so much. You became a friend of mine.
Unfortunately, things still didn't turn out right for you and my sister. My sister still didn't give you a little love despite your efforts. Your heart must be in pain every night. It’s weird, though. My sister wasn't seeing anyone, why does she keep on rejecting you? And my heart? It suffers the same. I really shouldn't have come with you when you came to my classroom or when you asked me to lunch that day. You must have known eight-year-old kids fall for fried chicken easily.
When my sister suddenly disappeared, I only had you. You only had me. We suffered sleepless nights from looking for her but she was nowhere to be found. I didn't think she was kidnapped and killed. She ran away. There must be a reason why she did it. I could be a bad sister for saying this, but it was a blessing in disguise to me. Oppa followed me around, but it was not anymore asking favors how to get my sister’s heart. For the first time, you asked me about myself. How I was going, am I tired, did I eat dinner, am I still healthy, etc. Sure, you might be concerned that my sister’s disappearance must have affected me too much, but the fact that you’re concerned, I’m happy with that. Maybe love was waiting for someone to love you back.
It was like a dream that you took me out to dinner, in a restaurant with those chandeliers, waiters in suits, and violin was playing by our table. I thought of it as the best night of my life. Honestly, I didn't seduce you or something, but it’s surprising that you’re making your move for me. Could it be, you have moved on from my sister? That you have given up on her? Though questions like, ‘am I just a rebound?’ bothers my head. But of course I pushed them aside, my night shouldn't be ruined. I thought you were trying to love me that time.
But it wasn't too long after I heard you talking to your friend, ‘Ah, I’m not in love with her, she’s a kid okay? I’m still after her sister you know. I still have to go to the station tomorrow to check updates of anything that could lead to where she is. I’m doing this now so when she comes back, she’ll thank me for treating her sister well while she was away. How could I like that childish girl? That girl is nothing but a bitch flirting to me since eight years old.’ I don’t want to shout at you because you’re my Oppa, but I wasn't able to hold it in. It hurts too much. You could have just said you don’t love me. You didn't have to say those harsh words. And you didn't have to tell me you’ll look for my sister even at the ends of the world. Because you love her so much. And all I could think about that time is I hate you and I don’t want to see you again.
A few years later, my sister went home. And she was with a man and a child. Her family. My parents accepted her apology after letting her explain. She got pregnant at that time and didn't want to put our family’s name to shame. It took her long before deciding to show up to us because she wanted to go back in a good state. She also explained to me that she didn't give you a chance after those things you did for her because she loves somebody else. But she didn't tell you because she got afraid you’ll use your family’s influence to threaten the man she loves. I can’t blame her, she did it for love. What love means, I’m not sure anymore.
I remember the day you called me. You told me you didn't love my sister anymore. You said you felt nothing for her when you came to see her and you realized it was me you actually love. I remember when you forcefully asked me to marry you by putting a ring on my finger but I pushed you away hard because I burnt that finger back in elementary. It was too late Oppa, I’m in love with someone else. I thought it was an exaggeration that when you fall in love, it’s magical. I thought it was just in the fairy tales. But I was wrong when I met him. Every moment I spent with him was magical. I’m so sorry Oppa, I didn't want to hurt you, but I don’t want to fool my heart. It wasn't beating for you anymore. Maybe love was feeling the magic every time you see the person you consider special to you.
I wasn't able to see you anymore but I heard your company wasn't doing well and might close anytime. I heard you spend nights at bars, wasting your remaining money to women and alcohol. If only you followed your parents’ wishes Oppa, to marry a daughter of a business partner. Maybe Oppa won’t be suffering now. I wanted to find you Oppa. I wanted to help you. But I have responsibilities at home. And my husband wouldn't like me to be in contact with you.
Years later, I got an information that you are in the home for the aged. The company you inherited eventually closed and your family won’t accept you anymore and they went back to Korea without you. They thought you were crazy. Poor Oppa, even your family won’t take care of you.
I sent you chicken and pancakes. I remember the first lunch we had together. ‘Oppa, how can I help you with my sister when I like you?’ ‘Oh you do? But I’m 20 years older than you. You better finish your chicken and pancakes and grow up fast so I would marry you instead.’ We just laugh at what you said and I enjoyed finishing the chicken and pancakes. I really want to be there on your birthday but it’s my eldest daughter’s college graduation. So Oppa, stay healthy to celebrate your birthday next year. I’ll bring more chicken and pancakes, promise!
I’m sorry for writing long, it would be hard for you to read. Maybe your nurse is reading this to you right now. It wasn’t a happy ending for us Oppa. Maybe I had mine but you are hurting. I don’t hate you Oppa. I still love you Oppa, but maybe without the magic. Please take care of yourself, okay? We need to celebrate your birthday together next year.
Happy Birthday!
Loving you forever,
Your Little Angel
P.s. I should be calling you ’ahjussi’ but I think you would get angry. Oh well, Oppa was cute. I’m the only one who can call you that, okay? ^_^