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English
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Part 1 of The HP-Marvel-DC Crossover that wouldn't leave my head and refused to pay rent
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Keeping an eye on these, Bookshelf for Sleepless Nights, Favorite fandom and crossovers that don't include OC, Hpficssssssss, the reason i'm an insomniac, HP G-G-G-Godlike, Spy's Ao3 Archive, R’s reads, DC PEEPS CAUSE THEY HAWT, CROSSOVERS WE KNEW WE NEEDED AT SOME POINTT
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Published:
2022-08-04
Updated:
2025-06-28
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65,520
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29/?
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Harry Potter and The Great Custody Battle

Summary:

‘Hi. My name’s Harry Potter and I just found out that I’m your distant nephew or cousin, depending on how you look at it. My name was entered in a dangerous competition without my knowing and now everyone expects and is forcing me to compete against my will. The official rules require a blood relative to formally withdraw me but my parents died when I was a baby and my other relatives would gladly see me die. I would really appreciate it if you could help. Thanks.’

Wherein there’s a loophole in the ancient rules of the Goblet of Fire. A DNA test reveals two relatives – other than the Dursleys – who are Harry’s last hope.

Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne.

Just how was Harry going to convince one of them to help him get out of his mess? And can Hermione and Ron please stop trying to get him be adopted by either of the men?

------------------------------------------

Updates depend on author's muse and sanity.

Notes:

The idea's been nagging at me for ages and this is me vomit dumping it into something because there's about three other fics I should be focusing on. Also I don't have much of a plan so come on this adventure with me!

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Wherein Ron Is Not An Idiot

Chapter Text

(Excerpt from Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, Chapter Seventeen)

 

Ron was lying on his bed in the otherwise empty dormitory, still fully dressed. He looked up when Harry slammed the door behind him.

 

“Where’ve you been?” Harry said. 

 

“Oh hello,” said Ron. 

 

He was grinning, but it was a very odd, strained sort of grin. 

 

Harry suddenly became aware that he was still wearing the scarlet Gryffindor banner that Lee had tied around him. He hastened to take it off, but it was knotted very tightly. Ron lay on the bed without moving, watching Harry struggle to remove it. 

 

“So,” he said, when Harry had finally removed the banner and thrown it into a corner.  

 

“You never get a break, do you?”

 

“What d’you mean?” said Harry, staring at Ron. There was definitely something wrong with the way Ron was smiling: It was more like a grimace.

 

“Well… I was kind of hoping we’d have a bit of a more relaxed year,” said Ron. “With the troll, Quirrell, the petrifications, the basilisk, Pettigrew, and your godfather…”

 

Ron sighed, faux forlornly. “I suppose yearly thrills and scares are a certified given. Now, who’d you reckon put you in?”

 

For a moment, Harry is stunned. 

 

“You... you actually believe me,” said Harry slowly. 

 

Ron raised his eyebrows. 

 

“Mate, I’ve known you since first year. Why wouldn’t I?”

 

“I dunno,” said Harry. “Rest of Gryffindor seems to think otherwise and they’ve known me since first year too.”

 

“But they’re not your best mate, now are they?” Ron smiled, genuinely this time. “C’mon, have a little more faith in me. We’ve already gone through, like, a lifetime’s worth of trauma together!”

 

Harry gave a small smile back, eventually chuckling, and felt a weight pushed off his chest knowing that one of the few people he cares about is on his side. It’s silly that he ever doubted Ron. 

 

“Let’s get some sleep, Harry. It’ll be hell to deal with tomorrow without some proper rest.”

 

════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════

 

“Harry, mate, wake up.”

 

Harry groaned and rolled over to the bleary sight of Ron. He put on his glasses and, blinking rapidly, saw that the sun had barely risen.

 

“Wha’ time issit?” 

 

“Really early,” said Ron sheepishly. “We thought you’d want to avoid the majority of the crowd for breakfast.”

 

That – is a very good idea.

 

Harry is up and ready to come down in record speed. They tiptoed down the spiral staircase and into the common room where Hermione was impatiently standing. 

 

“Come on, hurry up, there are students who get down to the Great Hall at this hour too!” She whispered, pulling them through the portrait hole. 

 

“Wait, ‘Mione, you believe me too?” asked Harry as they quietly rushed around the castle. 

 

“Of course, I do. The look on your face –”

 

“Let’s talk about it more after we get some food, yeah?” Ron interrupted. 

 

“Right,” said Harry. He had a dazed look in his eyes that had Ron and Hermione sharing a brief concerned glance. 

 

“Right,” Hermione said reluctantly. “I don’t think we should eat there, lest we choke on our food in our haste.”

 

“Picnic?” asked Ron excitedly. “Let’s do it!”

 

As if sensing that they were in a rush and on the go, a large picnic basket and a folded blanket appeared at the end of the Gryffindor table upon their arrival. Surprised, but not questioning it to waste time, the trio grabbed them and took off again. Not even glancing at the few people in the Great Hall that looked on curiously. 

 

In no time, they had found a reasonable spot by the Black Lake to set up their breakfast. Ron was especially enthusiastic in arranging everything to what he deemed was ‘peak picnic-ky-ness’. They were halfway through their assortment of sandwiches, pastries, and fruits when Ron also deemed that it was time to continue talking. 

 

“To pick up where we left off, the look on your face when your name was announced was all the proof I needed that you hadn’t entered yourself,” said Hermione in one breath. 

 

“Did I look that terrified?” asked Harry, prompting Ron to wince.

 

“You looked like someone just told you when and how you’d die.”

 

“Isn’t too far from what the tournament is, is it?” 

 

Ron nodded solemnly. Hermione huffed.

 

“The more important question is; who did it ? Who put your name in?”

 

“Someone who wants to kill me, I reckon,” said Harry drily. “Not the most surprising thing in the world. I do seem to have a whole bunch of people who want a go at it.”

 

“Harry,” Hermione said despairingly. “Could you… please tell us what happened after you left the table?” 

 

After Harry had finished explaining, his two friends remained silent. Feeling a bit awkward, Harry munched on a few apple slices as Ron and Hermione pondered over what he revealed. 

 

“No student could have fooled the Goblet, nor Dumbledore’s age line, which means –”

 

“It’s You-Know-Who.”

 

“...I think that’s a bit far-fetched, Ron,” said Hermione.

 

“Is it?” retorted Ron. “Every year, the chaos is always connected to him. Maybe the tournament’s our customary Be-Tormented-By-The-Dark-Lord?”

 

“He’s got a point, Hermione,” agreed Harry. 

 

“But – but how?” Hermione sputtered. “ Why ? If it’s a tournament that can get Harry seriously injured or, worse, killed, then why have him entered?”

 

“I dunno, weaken him for their eventual showdown?”

 

Ron raised his hands at Harry and Hermione’s matching incredulous looks. “Oi, I’m no dark lord. I’ve no idea how they think.”

 

“It does make some sense,” Hermione relented. “Whenever something unexplainable but geared to badly hurt Harry has always been traced back to You-Know-Who. Which means –”

 

“There’s no way out and I’m going to have to compete,” Harry sighed. “Fantastic.”

 

Harry can see it now. Gryffindor amassing expectations on his shoulders, Hufflepuffs loathing him for stealing Diggory’s spotlight, and the rest of Hogwarts and the visiting schools ridiculing him. What a year it’s going to be. Oh, and the tournament that can potentially kill him. What’s new?

 

“Which means that we’re going to be on your side no matter what,” corrected Ron. “We’re going to figure a way out of this, mate. And if not, then I guess we’ll help you at least keep all your limbs by the time summer comes.”

 

Hermione stopped nodding along and shot Ron a look. “Why settle for just keeping his limbs?”

 

“It’s a joke. Merlin knows Harry needs to loosen up a bit –”

 

More weight is pushed off his chest. Harry grinned. He looked back and forth between his two best friends (and their incessant bickering) who have and will continue to stick by him through the craziest of schemes and life-threatening situations. 

 

A mismatched trio against the rest of the Wizarding World.

 

What’s new?