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I wake up to the chirping of crickets outside my window. The digital watch on my bed rest reads 3:13 am in neon. Sweat trickles down my forehead, my hear racing as I refuse to relive the terror I had felt just moments ago. Control. Control.
Vivid images of the pit flash in my mind. Maniacal laughter rumbling through Tartarus's very chest. His veins pulsating, his blood, the ancient waters of the three great rivers of the Underworld consuming, invigorating, consuming . The sulphurous fire licking my feet. The hopelesss feeling at the morbid realisation that they are immortal. Never ending. Indestructible. They will go on, ceaseless, long after we are dead.
(So so pointless.)
The vehement burn of the river Phlegethon in my chest threatens to send my head reeling. I feel so suffocated. Its been five years since then and Tartarus still haunts me.
Control.
A feeble attempt.
I should have known better.
Control...is something that I have never really been acquainted with. Let's take an example. My whole life for instance. I snicker to myself bitterly. If I bring myself to think, to actually ponder over the choices the fates made for me, its almost funny actually, in the most twisted violent kind of way. It was never in my hands. The though of it makes me feel like I'm drowning. And I cant breathe. Can't swim. I try to scream or kick or even try but I cant. (The waves keep pulling me down.) What was the answer. I had asked myself again and again for years .
Stuck in a weird casino for seventy years. Bianca's death. My parentage. My unrequited love for Percy Jackson. Tartarus.
They had played me my entire life.
I feel a dark loathing slowly making its way from the shadows beneath the fluttering curtains, slithering inconspicuously, but I catch myself just in time.
“You must listen to me,”her voices echoes in my head. Bianca had always been wiser than me in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend.
“Holding a grudge is dangerous for a child of Hades. It is our fatal flaw.“ My hatred had nearly devoured me last time. In no way was I to allow that again.
“ You have to forgive. You have to promise me this.” My sister. My beautiful resilient brave sister.
“You must listen to me,”
And I do. I really do.
There is no way I would fade away again, because I had realised, I knew that she was with me. She always was and would always be.
Beside me Will snores away oblivious to my predicament. The moonlight streaming through the windows illuminates his face in a peaceful glow. He looks so happy, so beautiful, so pure and even in his sleep his presence soothes my conscience.
Will's there.
He's right here.
You're not alone.
My breathing steadies itself. I switch on the beside lamp. Its light is faint. It won't disturb Will. I gently entangle my hand into his soft golden mop rubbing gentle deliberate circles with my thumb. He lets out a contented purr which is almost comical if not endearing. He loves it when I do that. I know that because he's quite vocal about it, unlike me. I never tell him that I love the way he calls me 'babe' or the way he always manages to burn the side of his toast, the way he loves pineapple on his pizza, the blue of his eyes, the freckles on his nose. The way I swoon every time he rubs the small of my back. Or how when he smiles, my entire world lights up. He could blind me by that smile alone. I never tell him. But I think he knows.
His eyelids flutter open (so much for bieng a heavy sleeper) and he mumbles my name indistinctly. He wraps an arm around waist, pulling himself closer and nuzzling my stomach.
"Nico..whazzetime" he mutters.
"Only 3:30 am Doc." I say, hoping that he'll go back to sleep and not grill me about my dream. Because I know that the moment he looks into my eyes, he'll know.
"What?" He asks squinting. He sits up slowly detaching himself from me carefully. "Why are you..?"
His eyes widen with realisation and I sigh. "Nightmare?" I give him a small nod. There is no point in lying to Will Solace. He'll see right through me anyways.
"It's alright. Go back to sleep Will. You have classes tomorrow."
"So do you." He counters" But..I thought that they had stopped. Is this-"
"Yeah. The first one I've had in years." I say softly. He pulls me into his arms almost immediately, his warmth spreading through my body, as he whispers soothing endearments in my ear.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks kissing the top of my head.
"No not really." I say and bury my nose in his shirt, taking in his smell. He always complains that I use him as my personal hot water bottle. That may be partly true.
"You know what helps me feel better after a nightmare." I chuckle, the sound reverberating through his chest. He shivers slightly.
"Course I know." I say looking up into his beautiful baby blue eyes. He kisses my nose. "You like to sing. It calms you down. Though you suck at it."
He feigns a look of mock hurt but it changes to his megawatt smile in a second.
"Sing for me babe." He says gently. I drink in his expression accessing his intent. I'm a good singer. But that doesnt necessarily mean I enjoy it. I've never sung for anyone except Will.
" I know singing calms you down you knucklehead. But for me its gutting a few dozen monsters" I say exasperated. He let's out a low chuckle.
"It will help..trust me." He says in a sing song. "Also I love hearing your voice." He adds as an afterthought.
"I have a feeling that this is more for your benefit than mine" I say amused.
"I'll do the dishes for a week."
I cross my arms still not convinced.
"Two weeks" he says crossing his own arms in retaliation. I raise an eyebrow.
"Fine di Angelo! You win! A month." He says his hands up in truce.
I let out a low chuckle and he glares at me. I won't hold him to that promise. Both of us are very busy with our university studies and I wouldn't want to add to his burden. Household chores will be shared, forever and always. Also I cant cook for life.
But I don't tell him that. He hates doing dishes and I love torturing him. So I figure it can wait. Its funny how i am ready to do just about anything for this idiot. I love him so much that it scares me. There is no way in Olympus I could deny him anything. Even something as stupid as a song.
I close my eyes as he brushes his thumb along my cheekbone, and taking in a deep breath I break into a song.
"It would break your heart, if you knew me well."
Will's hands take my own and squeeze them gently. Didn't he know how distracting that was?
"See, I have run so far that I've lost myself."
The crickets have stopped chirping. It was almost as if they are waiting for me to finish my song.
"And there are things I have seen that I never will tell."
I had heard this song on the radio, the day Will and I had decided to go to the beach with Jason and Piper and had memorised it down to every last word for some reason unknown. The song had strung a chord with me. For all I know the author meant something completely different. But that was the beauty of a song.
"They drove me out of my mind and inside of myself."
It could mean absolutely anything. It was mine to sculpt, every contour, every groove, every line. It was the miniscule but strong hope, the fire that burned inside my soul, rendering me incapable of ever giving in.The only thing that let me believe that my life could be what I wanted it to be.
A stark contrast to the harsh reality where nothing is what you wish for it to be.
That's the one thing they can't control, I think, a sense of victory filling me, my mind.
"And oh, my my, it would break your heart, If you knew how I loved you, if I showed you my scars-" Will interrupts me with a very demanding kiss. His hands wrap around my waist, my own resting on his cheeks framing, cupping his face. When we finally break apart he presses his lips to my neck.
"Gods Nico that was beautiful."
I shudder. When had it gotten so hot here? "You are delusional Solace. And I had not even finished." I say smiling.
"I think not Sunshine." Will says pressing butterfly kisses to my collarbone.
"You know what I think?" I manage to gasp out . "Yeah?" he hums, nuzzling my neck. It makes me weak in my knees. Its a good thing we arent standing. I would have collapsed by now if not for the bed.
"I think you are obsessed with me.. You are kinda out of control." I tease him whispering into his hair. His loud laugh echoed in the otherwise silent room.
"Yes I'm obsessed. Obsessed with the fire in your eyes,
Their love burns through my soul, Fiery embers drifting by,
I lose my long standing control-"
I clamp his mouth shut with my hand.
"Shut up!" I groan"William Solace. I swear to the gods if you spout some corny poetic crap again, I will kill you."
"Sure babe. You can kill me all you want" he says tickling me slightly. I squirm in his grasp.
"Will!"
He swoops down and captures my lips yet again and I'm mush. I can't feel my legs anymore. It's embarrassing how he has this effect on me years into our relationship.
I break the kiss even though I don't want to. But we have classes starting from eight am onwards. Well I do anyways. His biology class starts at nine. My Latin class starts at eight. He pouts at me and my heart melts a little.
Get a hold on yourself di Angelo I chastise myself.
"Let me remind you that we have classes to attend tomorrow morning!" I say shoving a pillow in his face when he tries to kiss me despite my pushing him away.
"Nicoo!" He whines.
"Shut your trap you ass. Puppy dog eyes won't work this time." I say dodging the pillow he throws at me. It knocks the digital clock off my stand.
"That's what you said last night" he retaliates and I can't help but blush.
Cheeky bastard.
"Solace I'm serious. I have a test tomorrow. I really really want to score well. I figure not sleeping through the paper will help tremendously." I say holding at bay the thought that I do want to kiss him and well the test can go fuck itself.
He makes another whiny noise but settles down pouting. I try to ignore how cute he looks.
"Cuddle?"
I laugh and immediately allow him to wrap his arms around me in a comfortable embrace. "No funny business." I warn.
"No funny business" he promises smiling, his eyes closed.
I let myself sink into him. I feel like I'm free falling.
I admit I've lost control
Lost control...
But it isn't a bad feeling anymore. I don't mind losing myself to Will. I like losing myself to Will.
I'm in love this idiot. I need to let him know.
And even though I had realised this ages ago, the thought of laying my heart on the line, giving him my everything scares the shit out of me.
Gods, this is Will we're talking about. Why am I so nervous?
Its not like its the first time I'm telling him. But its rare. I rarely tell him how much I adore him. I promise myself to not deny him what he deserves. He deserves this. So so much more than this.
"Tesoro.." I whisper.
"Hmm?" He hums into my coal black hair, running his hands through it.
"I-" My heart hammers in my chest. I want to back out and run away,like before, like I always did. I clutch the front of his shirt, forcing myself to calm down. Only he can make such a mess of me.
"I love you."
His eyes snap open and he pulls away to look me in the eye. I know that I'm probably as red as a tomato by now and I feel that urge to turn back and run away again. But Will strong arms slip around my waist, steadying me. He's grinning like an idiot now, the tips of his ears crimson.
"I love you too Nico di Angelo" he says leaning down to peck my lips. I lean our foreheads together, his heart beat strong against mine. I know he's itching to touch me, I can feel it in the twitch of his hands, but he respects my distance.
His words wash over me like the waves of a vast ocean. They overwhelm me, pulling me under. Its not the first time and neither is it rare, but its the intensity of the situation that short circuits my nerves. And for once in my life I stop fighting and allow myself to drown.With it comes a strange peace. I've made peace. With the fates. With the gods. With life. With myself. Will has taken the last fragment of control I so desperately held on to. And I don't mind one bit. He can have all of me.
As I drift off to sleep I find myself not exactly hating the choices the fates had made for me.
Being out of control I think is not all that bad after all.
And right here in the blue of Will's eyes I find my answer.