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If you asked Steven Universe, age 17, how he was he would answer “better”. Not “good”, not “great”, but better. And that was true, he was doing much better.
Over the past several months he had spent many an hour talking with his therapist about everything, from all the way about his early childhood to the breaking point that finally led him to start going to therapy. One of the biggest things they kept circling back to was, no surprise, the matter of his mother.
To say that Steven had very conflicting feelings about his mother was an understatement of a century. For a person he had never really met she sure had affected - and still did - his life in ways he couldn’t properly put into words. Growing up all he wanted was to be like her, then after finding out about her past all he had wanted was to be nothing like her. But over the course of the months he had spent in therapy he had come to realize that he didn’t really, truly know who she was. And that’s what had lead him here, to this quiet little place in the countryside.
“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long,” came a voice from behind Steven.
He turned around to greet the person walking up to him. “No, I just arrived myself. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me all the way over here, all of a sudden.”
The person sat next to Steven and chuckled softly. “Why are you being so formal, you know I would go anywhere for you.”
“Thanks, Pearl,” Steven said, leaning against the woman. “I do know that, it’s just that, wow this is harder than I thought it would be.”
"What is it, Steven? You know you can talk to me about anything."
"I know, it’s just, I-“ Steven took a deep breath and turned to look Pearl in the eye. "I wanted to talk to you about mom."
Pearl let out a gasp but immediately sought out to hold Steven’s hand to let him know she wasn’t upset with him. “What about Rose?"
"See, that’s one of the things; you still call her that even when I know the truth about who she really was.”
“Pink Diamond is who she used to be; Rose Quartz is who she became, who she chose to be.” Pearl took a short break, still holding Steven’s hand in hers. “I know it might seem confusing, but Rose Quartz wasn’t just a disguise, it’s who she ultimately wanted to be.”
“So, what you’re saying is that all the things she did before that don’t matter?” Steven pulled his hand away from Pearl’s hold, his voice turning upset.
“No!” Pearl looked shocked at her own outburst. "No, of course it matters. It’s just that isn’t all she was. Neither was the real her, she was, your mother was…”
Steven watched in silence as Pearl stood up and paced around. "Tell me about her. The real her."
"Steven, are you sure? The doctors, what do they think about-“
"I’ve talked about this with my therapist," Steven cut Pearl off. “And they agree that it’s fine for me to talk about her if it’s on my own terms, out of my own choosing."
"And you do want to?" Pearl asked, her voice small. Steven nodded. "Why me.”
"Because you knew her the best, the longest. And you knew her both as Rose Quartz and as Pink Diamond."
For a long time, Pearl was simply silent. Steven was almost ready to apologize and take back his request when she finally spoke. "Alright then. What do you want to know?"
***
Pearl still wasn’t used to how much Steven had grown up in such a seemingly short amount of time. It felt like just just yesterday he was running after her on his short, stubby legs, smiling up at her with a smile that could power galaxies, asking to be taken out to adventures with the rest of the Crystal Gems. And here he was, as tall as her, with a smile that was much more rare but just as precious.
"Tell me about when you first met her."
Pearl took a deep breath, her mind going back millennia, to a place she never thought she would return to. “I first met your mother the day I was assigned as her Pearl. I was so excited; I was going to be Diamond's Pearl. It didn’t matter that it was to Pink Diamond, the least powerful of them all, I was going to be perfect for her, and she would always be perfect to me. The first time I met her, she seemed… withdrawn and sad. I didn’t see it at the time but looking back it’s so easy to see."
"Did she treat you kindly?" Steven asked, looking at Pearl, trying to see if there was any sign of a lie on her face.
"Yes," Pearl's voice was adamant. "Always. In fact, she treated me like I was made of glass; looking back now I understand that it was probably because of what happened with Volleyball. She never hurt me, at least not physically."
"But that’s one of the things that’s so hard for me to understand,” Steven let out a frustrated sound. "How could she do all those horrible things, hurting Volleyball, abandoning Spinel and also do all the wonderful things you told me about her growing up. How she saw beauty in all living things, how she would heal people with her tears, how she wanted so badly to protect the Earth."
"Steven," Pearl ran her fingers through Steven's hair, pulling the boy closer to her. "Your mother was a really complicated person. I never realized just how complicated until these past few years. I guess my feelings towards her kept me blind to much of it, in hindsight. As to all the things we told you about her growing up, none of it was a lie. She did all that, was all that; it just wasn’t all that she was.
“I guess with her being gone I just mainly wanted to remember the good things about her. Because Steven, there were so many of those. I know what we did, what I did, was wrong; letting you grow up hearing about all these wonderful things about her, only to later have them turn sour with the truth about her past. I never wanted that. The easy answer would be to say that I never thought you would find out about her origin but that isn’t the full truth. I was scared, scared of losing the her she'd become."
Steven was quiet for a long time. Pearl waited patiently, occasionally running her fingers through Steven's hair. Finally the boy spoke up. "I think I understand."
"Steven, can you ever forgive me?" Pearl's voice was earnest, her eyes slightly glazed with tears.
"Yeah," Steven answered, finding the sentiment came easily. "I was hurt by it, in a way I still am, probably will always be, but I forgive you. As for her, I don’t know; I just don’t know how to feel about her. It was complicated even before all the Diamond stuff but now whenever I think of her, all I can think about is the bad things she did, all the people she hurt. And I know that's not fair, I get that that’s not all that she was but-“
"Steven, you are allowed to feel whatever feelings you are feeling,” Pearl hurried to remind him. "Nothing you feel is wrong, it is how we choose to act out those feelings that matters. And I’m so proud of you, Steven, for being so kind, choosing to be kind. You amaze me every day and make me so proud to call myself part of your family."
“Pearl,” Steven complained, wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve.
"I was only speaking the truth," Pearl said, looking at Steven with such fondness that it made the boy’s head spin.
"I know. Thank you for always being here for me."
"Of course. I love you, Steven,” Pearl cradled Steven’s face softly in her palms. “For yourself, not because of her. You know that, right?”
"I do,” Steven said and he knew it was the truth. A few years ago he might have questioned it but not anymore. He knew that she loved him for who he was, that all the Crystal Gems did. And he loved them back just as much.
“You know, I may not know how I feel about my mother, Rose or Pink or whoever. But I know that I've always had a mother figure in my life. Both in you and in Garnet. And I know that I love you guys."
Pearl tried valiantly to fight the tears but knew that it was ultimately a losing battle. When the torrents of tears started rolling down her face Steven stood up. “C'mon, let’s go back home. I think I'm all talked out for today."
Pearl rose up as well and tried to wipe away most of the tears. Steven looked back at her and grinned. "I'll drive us back home, I don’t trust you not to crash the car with the amount of tears in your eyes."
Pearl couldn’t help but laugh and climbed up into the van. Her life and feelings, just like his, might be messy but there were also so many wonderful things all around them. Things she wouldn’t change for anything, or anyone. When she had found out that Rose wanted a baby she felt like her life was over. Little did she know that it was just about to begin. And she hoped that Steven would feel the same way, if not right now then eventually. Because there were so many things for him to see, to do, to experience. Things Rose had wanted for him but also, and maybe even more importantly now, things that she wanted for him to have. Because she finally understood Rose's view and amazement on life and the ability to change.