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for someone like hong seol who tried to hold on as long as she could, relationships seemed to sour whether it was by her hand or another's.
her grandmother who had disdain for her and preferred joon much more had come to adore her after multiple efforts and seol had broken everything by pushing away her hand in her final moments. she never reached out or appealed to someone as much after that.
she and her dad were always distant but due to them both being quiet in nature, they never bonded well like him and joon and instead they were strangers in their own house. somehow even her academic achievements weren't enough to tide him over.
her mom was much closer to her but there were days she felt like a therapist to her for being the most dependable in their family.
at school she had many friends but as she grew older she found herself getting exhausted. high school was filled with drama initiated through people who couldn't stand her indifference or were jealous of her academic achievements. she tolerated people like moonjoo with grace until they crossed the limit and then she called them out in front of everybody.
when her ex boyfriend left to transfer to another school, she ended things immediately. as good as he was to her, she didn't want to hold on to someone who would never be there.
she used to have a more active part in the ending of her relationships but in college it seemed that anyone could wake up and decide they hated her entire existence.
which was exactly what happened with yoo jung. she thinks. she's pretty sure.
a popular senior who stood out among his peers for being so generous and giving when his true feelings were much different. it had been so funny to her and beyond her control, she laughed- no, snickered, and that was reason enough for any hope of a good relationship between them as senior and junior to crumble into dust.
back then, she had wanted to confront him and win. she wanted to stand in a room, the two of them surrounded by the other students, her on a higher platform than him, and call him out on all of his bullshit so he couldn't escape or socially maneuver his way out of it. but despite the satisfaction of her vengeful imagination, it was clear who the power lied with.
but when she came back to school, everything was different about their relationship.
he was crossing lines and venturing into territory no one had ever surpassed before. and every day she found her liking it more and more. there was no chance to avoid him or think of him negatively when he was being so kind to her.
so she couldn't say no when he finally asked her out and grabbed his hand in contrast to pushing away another hand years ago.
she found herself smiling with him and giggling and getting flustered like a teenager in love for the first time instead of a college student tired out from her workload and people taking advantage of her. she found herself being patient and arguing with him when he did something she didn't like. she found herself fighting to protect their relationship whenever the past came to bite them.
he became her haven to rest in when life was taking even more of a toll on her. he schemed and planned against anyone who was causing her trouble and instead of feeling worried and wrong about it, she found that she didn't care that much anymore. yoo jung was yoo jung. as long as they smiled together, everything would be okay, right?
so when she overheard him that night telling inho that she couldn't let go of his hand she was stunned. she couldn't name the feeling of shock, regret, and shamefulness and she realized it all connected to one person she had never quite let go of: her grandmother. turns out it wasn't only crying she couldn't do but she couldn't let go of the hands of people who were precious to her. who she was precious to. jung and her grandmother, they both...
without another word she ran away as she had done once before, her world crashing down.
-
the indifference settled in except this time she didn't feel pressured by the people around her. the world felt so quiet all of a sudden.
she swore she saw him outside her restaurant but it was a random stranger. he's been respecting her space after they agreed to take a break two nights after the incident. she wasn't mad at him, really, she just needed her peace to process what she had subconsciously been projecting onto him and release the burden she'd been holding all along.
when the incident with inha had made her realizing her childhood wound had no reason to inhibit her current life, she held out her hand to jung. and she held him when he cried, the burden of his childhood wounds and everything they had been through coming undone for him too.
she realized then that all relationships were like bets. you never know if you'll win or lose. but with practice, understanding, working through your traumas, and meeting each other in the middle, anything can work, seol knew now. she had desperately wanted to win this time - and she did.