Work Text:
1.
"How to confess to your best friend?"
Jeno couldn't even begin to fathom that there would come a time when he would seek for Google's help to finally confess his feelings towards his best friend.
Apparently, pining for your best friend for seven long years wasn't fun. Just who would have thought?
Coming to terms with his feelings for a man he considered his other half, a man too beautiful to be even real was hard enough, but it was harder to have him within his reach yet unable to relay the intense feelings he harbored for him. They were in their last year of college and after graduation, they would go on different paths, pursuing their respective careers. Jeno wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, but he knew he couldn't have Renjun forever.
The number of days they had left came to a horrifying limit, and he was dreading every second that would eventually lead to the end.
Whose idea was it to confess his feelings if you asked? Definitely not him.
"This is your last year together and once you've graduated, men and women will surely vie for his affection, you’ve seen how it is, and before you know it, you're too late," Mark Lee, Jeno's brother said one night as they sat in front of the television watching the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice.
"I don't want to lose our friendship just because I'm too selfish to be content with what he can give me," Jeno replied. Nobody should know how devastated he would be if Renjun would cut him off after rejecting him. "I will take whatever he can give me as long I get to stay in his life."
The exasperated sigh from his brother didn't come. When Jeno looked up, there was a soft look reflected upon Mark's eyes. A look that promised support and understanding.
"I understand your fear, Jeno. But fear is exactly the enemy of happiness. Won't you regret the possibility of finding happiness on the other side of the river if you have just been brave enough to cross it?"
"I'm more afraid of making the wrong decision, so I'm not going to decide at all."
"It's your feelings, brother. Not mine," Mark said. Jeno was ready to ease on his seat when Mark added, "But if it were me, I would choose a direct rejection over whats-ifs and what-could-have-beens."
Mark didn't say anything anymore so Jeno went back to watching the movie. He watched as Mr. Darcy left Elizabeth alone after getting his affections rejected.
Jeno spent the night reflecting upon the possibility of a confession. He tried to write a draft of a love letter, but he discovered now that he wasn't as adept in writing a love letter than he was in writing songs. Couldn't he just cut to the chase and say it directly? No. Absolutely not. Renjun deserved everything fancy and grand that this world could offer, and Jeno wouldn't settle for just a casual confession.
And now, here he was, staring at his laptop screen. Surfing the internet, browsing several articles which held the answers to his question, watching tutorials on how to confess your feelings.
Tell your crush that the moon is beautiful.
"Do people really say that as a confession?" Jeno asked himself. Renjun loved the sky, be it night or day, and they often talked about how the moon looked big and beautiful. Did it count as a confession? Probably not because if it did, it only meant that Renjun had ‘confessed’ to him as well.
Looking through his bedroom window, the night sky was cloudless and the crescent moon was in full view. The universe must have seen his efforts and made things easier for him.
Jeno snapped a photo of the moon several times before choosing the most decent one, one that didn’t look like a measly ball of light. With trembling fingers, he sent the photo to Renjun and typed the sentence that made him cringe internally.
the moon is beautiful, isn't it?
It took Renjun less than thirty seconds to view the chat and three moving dots appeared on the screen. Renjun was typing something. Jeno closed his eyes and took calming breaths because if he didn't, he would jump out of his bedroom window. His room was on the second floor of their house.
wait, let me check. the curtains are obscuring the view.
can't see. it's too foggy out here :(((
the pic looks so pretty btw.
Jeno opened his eyes to see the chat from Renjun. Was this a form of subtle rejection? Jeno wasn't sure. He searched it on Google but couldn't find anything. Was he rejected? He didn't know.
"Well, I guess that went well," Jeno said and patted his own shoulder. That probably wasn't a rejection, given that Renjun was a straightforward and no-nonsense person. He hated to be optimistic, but as long as there was no outright refusal from Renjun, then he still had a chance.
2.
Confess your feelings to your crush by sending them love songs.
On Jeno's second attempt, he might or might not have scoured Spotify for song recommendations to use when you want to confess to your crush. He found a playlist full of cute songs Renjun would like, and listened to all of it first, checking if the lyrics contained something inappropriate or suggestive that would ruin his innocent confession.
The next day, he already had his earphones on while waiting at the bus stop for Renjun. They usually go to the university together since their schedules were mostly the same. It was one of the best ways to start the morning, and Jeno wasn't a morning person.
Ah! There he was, running like his monthly allowance depended on it, with his black hair bouncing at every step. He was wearing an oversized mustard-colored sweater and a beige scarf. He looked so adorable and cuddly. Suddenly, Jeno's chest tightened. How could he endure being so close with Renjun without blurting all of a sudden how much he loved him? His self-control was note-worthy.
"I'm sorry!" was the first thing Renjun said to him while huffing. "My… my rabbit escaped and I had to put her in rabbit jail."
"Did she gnaw at your shoelaces again?" Jeno asked and laughed. It was so easy to laugh around Renjun.
"No, it was the leather ones! The one Kun gave me last Christmas. You know how annoying he can get when I unintentionally destroy my stuff."
The bus arrived on schedule, Jeno paid for them both and he allowed Renjun to have the window seat. Renjun was happily looking out the window as if the scenery wasn't something he could see every day.
Jeno's hand shook lightly as he put the other earbud in Renjun's ear and played the first song.
Crush by Tessa Violet played and Jeno almost dropped his phone at the reaction Renjun gave him. His eyes were wide and lips slightly parted, like he had just found out a shocking secret.
"You know this song?" Renjun asked.
"Yes. It's cute," Jeno replied pathetically. However, nothing was cuter than the smile Renjun gave him. His cats could compete, but he might be biased.
Renjun hummed along with the tune, nodding his head. Jeno fought back the smile that tugged the corners of his lips. He was the one who was supposed to confess yet he's the one getting all mushy.
He watched as Renjun bob his head to the beat, mouthing the lyrics from time to time and even had the gall to smile when he caught Jeno looking. Jeno would never survive this bus ride.
The song already ended but Jeno had yet to receive a reaction from Renjun, not a slight realization that perhaps, Jeno was trying to convey something through the songs.
It's okay, Jeno thought. We're only down with the first song. He'll get the hint. Renjun is smart, and I'm not in a rush.
The next song that played was Green Tea and Honey by Dane Amar.
"Oh, this is cute. I like this," Renjun said.
I Like Me Better by Lauv.
"I remembered playing this song over and over when it came out. Listening to it now gives me nostalgia, back when I thought I could have Peter Kavinsky."
Day 1 by HONNE.
"Oh! Haechan played this song when we went out of town last month. I've been looking for this song since then! What's the title?"
All I Want Is You by Johnny Stimson ended just as they got off the bus. Renjun stretched his arms and legs before turning to Jeno.
"All the songs you played are really romantic. It’s almost like you have… a crush."
Finally! Jeno exclaimed in his mind. Yes! It's you!
"I—"
"Good for you."
Renjun smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Whatever Jeno wanted to say died down in his throat as he watched Renjun's stance become defensive.
"Let's go. We're gonna be late."
They still had thirty minutes before the first class would start. Jeno didn't say this. It was up to no discussion.
Another failed attempt.
3.
Give your crush presents!
This might be a tough one for Jeno. Not because he didn't like giving gifts, but because he had given Renjun so many presents that this wouldn't even stand out anymore.
Just last week, he went out and bought thick gloves for Renjun. The temperature was slowly dropping and unfortunately, Renjun found that his naughty bunny had infiltrated his closet and chewed on the very limited pair of gloves he owned. Five days ago, he bought a mandoline slicer for Renjun when he found out Renjun had accidentally cut his finger while cooking. And three days ago, he gave Renjun one of his scarves to keep him warm. Renjun tried to give it back but Jeno was adamant of Renjun keeping it.
"Good thing he didn't find my pants. I would cook him if he did," Renjun said after telling the story of his rabbit raiding his closet.
Every time Jeno was troubled, he would always seek the help of the internet to give a solution to his dilemma. He even went as far as creating a Reddit account because apparently, this is a platform where users could openly post anything and you'd get comments from strangers. He couldn't say it wasn't useful—the strangers on the internet took his question seriously and gave him sincere answers.
Most of them told him to pay attention to what his partner/crush wanted at the moment and surprise them with it.
And that's what he did.
He'd been listening intently to Renjun's unending blabber in hopes that he would accidentally spill something. He talked about shirts, bedsheets, rabbit food, furniture from IKEA, an abstract painting, food—but nothing seemed to appeal strongly to Renjun. Jeno even tried to coax the answer out of him.
"If you're going to wish for one item now, what would it be?" he asked one night while waiting for the bus home.
Renjun thought for a long moment. "Hmmm… fish cakes? I would really love to eat fish cakes."
Jeno could only hide the pain through his smile. His Renjun was really a simple person.
It was one lazy afternoon when they were lounging at the benches waiting for Haechan that Jeno accidentally snooped on Renjun's phone. He didn't do it on purpose, but he felt guilty somehow.
The two were so comfortable with each other that they knew each other's passwords and used each other's phones. Renjun was scrolling through his phone when he announced he'd go to the restroom. Jeno, whose phone battery was dead, opened Renjun's phone, when Renjun left, to entertain himself.
He saw a picture of a navy blue cotton bracelet with white tassel. Jeno's wishes were answered. This was what Renjun wanted, and he could make him happy by giving him this and also to convey his feelings. Hitting two birds with one stone!
The joy was short-lived when he read the description below. The bracelet came in pairs.
Jeno quickly put the phone down where Renjun left it when he saw Renjun emerged from the restroom. He acted nonchalant as if he didn't just discover what might be the best (and potentially the worst) thing ever. A whole day had passed but the thought never left his mind.
Just who was Renjun thinking of giving that bracelet to?
How could I be selfish? Jeno thought. He was only meant to confess his feelings, not expect it to be reciprocated. So what if Renjun liked someone else already? Be it as it was. He would endure the pain until he could finally release himself from the misery, but until then, he would stay by his side as a friend.
That’s how he found himself in front of Renjun’s doorstep one Saturday night.
“I’m so sorry for the mess!” Renjun apologized profusely as he tossed the littered fuzzy blankets on the floor over the unused chair sitting in the corner. “I try to keep this small space from being filthy but this damn bunny is the equivalent of ten toddlers! I will collapse from stress. I kid you not.”
Jeno helped Renjun tidy the apartment before settling on the couch. His senses were alert as he placed the black paper bag on the table, the box waiting to be opened. Renjun was talking about this play he watched with Chenle as he placed plates of snacks on the table when he saw the paper bag.
“What’s this?” Renjun asked and rummaged through the contents of the bag until his hand found purchase on the velvet box. His brows furrowed as he lifted it close to his face. “This is definitely not a cake.”
“I’m not quite sure Armand is selling cakes but I’ll keep in touch,” Jeno replied, the humor in his voice sounded fake even in his ears.
Renjun opened the box. The entire apartment stilled, including the bunny in the cage who was running rapidly around. Renjun’s eyes slowly widened and his jaw slacked. He couldn’t form any words so he sat there, opening and closing his mouth.
“You saw it,” Renjun said in realization. “You used my phone when I left and you saw it. God, how stupid of me! I thought I already—”
“Renjun, I’m so sorry—”
“—cleared it before leaving it because it’s meant to be a surprise for you—”
“—I really didn’t mean to see it—wait, what did you say?”
Renjun was still talking to himself and Jeno had to cross the distance between them. Jeno cupped Renjun’s cheeks and made Renjun focus on him.
“You meant to give it to me?” Jeno asked, enunciating every word carefully.
Renjun nodded. “It was supposed to be a gift for you after you bought the gloves for me. I meant to go to Armand tomorrow.”
Joy. Just unbridled joy. Jeno couldn’t suppress the smile that almost split his face. All this time, he was anxious about the person who could possibly be the subject of Renjun’s potential affection, only to find out that it was him.
“Stop smiling. Next time, just let me buy something for you. Please.”
“If you insist.”
The night was filled with laughter and incessant chatter. The metal clip of the matching bracelet gleamed under the light and something intimate lingered in the air, but Jeno’s feelings didn’t reach his muse.
4.
Compliment your crush.
Compliments were as easy as breathing for Jeno, especially if the receiver was the apple of his eye. However, his attempts, for the past seven years, to give a proper compliment always came out as something off-kilter. Weirdly enough, Renjun liked it. He said it was a part of his charm.
Today, he wanted to change it. He would be as direct as he could be without it sounding strange.
He was waiting at the usual bus stop, waiting for Renjun, who was late again, because he thought his bunny escaped but she was just hiding behind the fridge. One day, that bunny would be the death of him.
Renjun was running, a scene so familiar but never gets old.
"I feel like I'm going to die—" Renjun was panting and gasping for breath while Jeno looked like a frog would jump out of his throat.
"You… your hair… looks like a well-trimmed bush."
He meant to say that his hair was neat.
Renjun was confused for a moment before he realized what Jeno meant.
"Really? Thank you!"
After class, they went to the amphitheater where the stage was being prepared for the upcoming musical. The crew had prepared the costumes for the stars and asked them to come over just in case there were necessary adjustments.
Renjun would star in a musical, something he had been preparing for since they stepped onto the university grounds. Renjun made his dream come true and Jeno was more than happy for him, as always.
Renjun had donned a sparkly pink jacket from the rack, and since his character was a superstar, his outfits were meant to look striking and unforgettable. He twirled around gracefully, showing off his costume which fit him perfectly. The jacket was cropped, showing off his thin waist and accentuating his shoulders.
"You look like a sparkly mushroom," Jeno blurted out before he could even stop himself.
"Why, thank you!" Renjun said happily. Jeno heard one of the crews whisper to another if that was supposed to be a compliment.
On their way home, Jeno looked crestfallen because still hadn't uttered one single normal compliment, and Renjun noticed it.
"Everything okay?" he asked, taking his usual window seat, Jeno beside him.
"Yes."
"You dared lie to my face?"
Jeno exhaled and closed his eyes, forcing the words out of his mouth.
"I… I feel like a failure today."
"What? Why?"
Jeno bowed his head low, his voice turning into the lightest whisper as he prepared to embarrass himself.
"I've been trying to compliment you nicely but none of the things I said seemed right."
Renjun was speechless for no longer than five seconds before he found his voice.
"What do you mean? They're nice enough!"
"No they’re not,” Jeno said. “This morning, I meant to say your hair looks neat, but I said well-trimmed bush instead. And with the jacket, I meant to tell you you look as lovely as a flower." Jeno covered his face with his big hands. "I have a lot of nice things I want to say to you but they don't come out right. I'm sorry."
"Your… attempts are well-received. I understand your language now so don't push yourself too hard trying to change it," Renjun said and Jeno noticed a hint of nervousness in his voice. "I like it. It's unique."
When Jeno removed his hands from his face, Renjun was facing the window. His ears were burning pink.
5.
Perform acts of service.
When Jeno and Renjun talked about their love language, Renjun mentioned that his were words of affirmation and quality time, and he said that Jeno’s were acts of service and physical touch, and both of them liked giving gifts.
Performing acts of service was more natural for Jeno than anything else.
Two days before the musical, the amphitheater was in a state of colorful mess, blaring lights, loud music, and nervous actors. They rehearsed the same thing over and over, comforting themselves that their muscle memory would kick, but that didn't ease the nerves.
The actors made unintentional mistakes which pissed off the director. Everyone was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. It was like walking on eggshells. One misstep and you would get yelled at
After Jeno's afternoon classes ended, he immediately went to the amphitheater to check up on his best friend. He found Renjun sitting in a corner, humming one of his solos.
"Renjun!" Jeno called him, and the relief that washed over Renjun's face was palpable as he ran towards Jeno and hugged him.
"Oh! Thank goodness you're here!"
Jeno's heart melted as he let Renjun sink into his arms. He couldn't help it; his heart was beating abnormally. It felt almost illegal feeling like that, knowing that Renjun was probably feeling low and he needed his comfort.
"What happened?" Jeno asked after he led Renjun to one of the plastic chairs and they sat, huddled together so as to not get in everyone's way.
"Everyone made mistakes earlier and the director was so upset! I feel like shit honestly. I mean, I rehearsed the same routine for over a month, but how can I forget even the flick of a hand? I worked so hard for this and I can't afford to mess it up. I’m really, really scared."
Jeno wasn't a master at giving comforting advice, but that wasn't old news. However, his presence was comforting enough for Renjun to lean on him and let all the troubles fade away for a moment.
"I bought macaroons for you. Go ahead and eat them before you go back on stage."
"Really? You bought me macaroons?"
"Yes. And I also brought extra clothes for you to change into after rehearsal."
Jeno held Renjun to calm him down until the practice resumed. He was among the audience who watched the musical take form from a series of mistakes to a masterpiece. He was the one who believed in Renjun when Renjun didn't believe in his talents. He had seen the worse yet he stayed, and that was more valuable than any comforting words.
When the practice was over, Jeno brought Renjun to their favorite diner and ordered the food they both loved. Renjun was happily talking while he listened, heart humming in contentment. The insecurity he felt earlier was long gone, extricated by his knight in black hoodies.
When the cold night air sliced through the exposed skin of Renjun's neck, Jeno wrapped a scarf around him to keep him warm and warmed his hands by sliding inside the pocket of his coat.
As they trudged down the sidewalk, Jeno guided Renjun away from the road.
He did all of these unconsciously, completely forgetting the purpose of why he was doing it in the first place. And even as he watched Renjun close the door of his apartment, he didn't feel a twinge of regret as he walked home, knowing that Renjun was safe and happy.
—
The amphitheater was a sea of beguiling colors and effervescent smiles. The actors made the story come alive by their calculated movements and well-adjusted expressions. Every scene was a striking copy of the director's imagination with the props and backdrops. Colorful lights set the mood and the songs—both upbeat and melancholic—brought the audience on a rollercoaster ride.
The musical play was a success.
Jeno secured a seat with the best view where he could take photos of Renjun. Most of the audience had left the amphitheater while others stayed to congratulate the actors for the successful play. Even Jeno himself was smiling as he waited for Renjun, holding a bouquet of flowers.
"Waiting for Renjun?" Jaemin, which Jeno recognized as one of the lead actors, asked and he nodded. "Renjun! Your boyfriend is here!"
Jeno opened his mouth to correct Jaemin but she was gone before he could even speak. Just how close were they for other people to mistake them for being in a relationship. Was he too obvious? If he was, how come Renjun hadn't said anything?
"My what?" Jeno heard Renjun. He was cramped inside one of the small dressing rooms, probably shedding off the sparkly pink jacket. Jeno suddenly remembered where Renjun sang along the lines of his solo, about how much he adored the actress who portrayed his love interest. But as he sang, his eyes fell on Jeno and he winked. "Oh, it's you."
Jeno broke from his momentary daze and saw Renjun walking towards him, face flushed and sweaty. "You did really great earlier," Jeno said. "Not that I was expecting any less. I always know you'll do great."
Renjun grinned. "Wow, that's a straightforward compliment. You're improving."
Jeno couldn't fight the blush that peppered his cheeks. "For you," he said and thrusted the bouquet of flowers to Renjun. "Congratulations."
Renjun was silent for a moment, staring at the bouquet before a soft smile graced his lips. He cradled the bouquet close to his chest and looked up at Jeno, eyes misty. "Thank you."
Shock was visible on Renjun's face when he turned the lights on and saw the surprise that Jeno prepared for him. It was just a simple dinner, but to Renjun, it was more than anything he could ask for at the moment.
"Did you like it?" Jeno asked from behind Renjun.
"Are you kidding me right now?"
"Unfortunately, no—oh!"
Air was knocked out of Jeno's lungs when Renjun lunged at him for a hug. His arms were wounded tightly around Jeno's chest and for a moment, Jeno thought Renjun would crush his ribs. He answered the hug by pulling Renjun even closer and resting his chin on top of his head.
They stayed like that for a moment, breathing silently in each other's arms as time froze. When Renjun pulled away, Jeno had the slight inclination to pull him back, but resisted.
"Jeno, I… I can't even begin to think of what to say right now. I'm so overwhelmed."
"Take your time, then. I'll be here when you're finally ready to say it."
Jeno pulled Renjun to sit on one of the dining chairs, but Renjun didn't let himself be pulled along. When Jeno looked at him, there was a determined look on Renjun's eyes, mixed with fear and other things he couldn't identify.
"In a month, we'll be graduating. And then we'll go our separate ways."
What a cruel way to remind Jeno of something he didn't want to remember. Only a month away and never once did he succeed to tell Renjun what he felt.
“I have something I wanted to tell you before we part, so I can have no regrets.”
Perhaps it was better that way—
"I like you—no, I love you," Renjun said, his lower lip quivered. "I have loved you ever since the day you told me you loved being with me, seven years ago. I have always loved you for the last seven years."
Jeno stood there like a gaping fish, mouth hanging open. He watched as Renjun's eyes turned glassy and his hands played with the hem of his sweater, a habit of his when he's nervous.
"I don't know if you even like me the same, and this is such a huge risk I'm taking for something so stupid and selfish, but the past few weeks, you've been really nice to me. Like, I-may-or-may-not-have-a-crush-on-you-go-figure-it-out kind of nice. You gave me subtle hints, which you may or may not be aware of, because you're a caveman and you barely know the trends unless I send them to you, so for you to tell me that the moon is beautiful might probably just be a coincidence. Maybe I'm just projecting.
"You sent me love songs, most of them can be used for confessing your feelings. But then again, maybe you just find the music interesting and you wanted to share it with me because if you enjoy something, you always make sure to spread it around like a little ball of sunshine that you are.
"You gave me gifts with practical use because you know how much I hate wasting money on useless stuff. And then you gave me that damned bracelet. It was a couple item, but I convinced myself it’s fine to give it to friends. Just who was I kidding?
“You've been extra attentive to me, or maybe that was me assuming things. Your compliments never failed to make my heart go crazy no matter how weird they were, and I thought I was going to die. Really, you could have killed me the past weeks and you would have no idea how I died.
Renjun took a deep breath after saying it all in one go, but he wasn't finished yet as he held his hand up when Jeno was about to talk.
"I don't want to be a coward anymore. I've been carefully hiding my true feelings for you for the past seven years, and I realized that you'll know about it either way, so I wanted you to know it from me. This is our last year in college before we go our separate ways and I may or may not be an idiot for doing this after hiding it for years. But it will bring me peace after carrying the secret for so long.
"I like you so much, Jeno, that my heart can't even contain it. Words can't express how much I feel for you. I just chose to like you, that's all. You are under no obligation to take responsibility for the pain this confession will both cost us. Just, just tell me the truth. Don't placate me or pacify me. I just… I just want to know if you—"
"Renjun," Jeno called Renjun's name. Renjun stopped mid-sentence. This time, Jeno forced the words out of his mouth before fear would them all up. "I've been trying to tell you all this time. Starting from the time I told you the moon was beautiful. All the songs I played were for you. I like you, no—I love you so much, Renjun. And it wouldn't be original of me to say that I love you most ardently but, I do. I do love you. So much."
They didn't notice they were both crying. Jeno slowly moved his hands up to wipe the tears that stained Renjun's cheeks, before moving it to cup the back of Renjun's neck.
"You are everything I've ever wanted," Jeno whispered as he closed the distance between their lips.
The kiss was wet and messy and full of unsaid feelings. Renjun wrapped his arms around Jeno's neck and angled his head to kiss him better. The ache in his chest was painful like his heart was split open, but the relief that came after washed it all away.
When they pulled away, they were both grinning.
"God, we're idiots," Renjun whispered.
"Indeed," Jeno agreed.
This was far from what Jeno imagined the confession would be. There were no fireworks displays, no candlelight dinner by the beach, no violin playing in the background, and other cliche romantic shit Jeno had planned for Renjun.
He didn’t imagine it in the kitchen of his studio apartment, but it was better than anything.