Chapter Text
Late November leaves reflected in my coffee, I sit on a stone bench, studying the pumpkins with piercings. Leftovers from a midnight rock concert in the courtyard. Lingering smell of candlewax. There's a free period before my next class, too short to travel, too long to do anything other than idle away time.
I've been watching people while walking around campus. Head pat, eye contact, shoulder collision, stray thread on T-shirt collar, angry kick to an amused friend's ankle.
Nothing out of the ordinary, except the lone wolf who's been stalking me, while being stalked by Mayama.
I think his name is Minamoto? It's not a romantic flag. I don't remember interacting with him, pre-stalking period. Until I have more information, I won't move unless he makes a move.
Due to current events, I've been forced to figure out what's wrong with this guy. He might be attempting to persuade a friend or sibling that I'm a scumbag who shouldn't be trusted. Socially inept. Suffering from stomach pain and incurable illness of stupidity. Overall, he's harmless.
7 days of stalking. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds.
As if fulfilling a specific quota, when Mayama follows his target, no other fujoshi or fudanshi are in the area. Which is the cause, which is the effect? He's comfortable with exposing himself to 'comrades' and carelessly blackmailing them, but backtracks as soon as he loses momentum. The opposite of avoidance. Considering his self-confidence, nothing is stopping him from finding a confidant.
Therefore, it must be the mandatory force of the world. To save drawing costs, Mayama Masumi is the sole observer. It's said that you'll never be tired of a beautiful face, but I'm tired.
I understand the human desire to be understood. I understand Mayama, but not Minamoto.
As a mob character, I answer a main character's questions, and don't ask about other people's affairs. All I know is that these guys are... bad at stalking. Amazingly bad. If it weren't for plot corrections, bystanders would be staring suspiciously.
Ah well, that's the apathy of college students. Academic papers, job interviews, all-nighters. I was going to skip my evening class anyway, so I'll slowly drink coffee.
It seems like Minamoto is set to do something.
He's surrounded by a small army. When a man falls in love, the more he retreats. When a woman falls in love, the more she advances.
"Let go!"
See? So bad at stalking, it's sort of sad. I shouldn't laugh, but I left my sportsmanship and subpar athleticism as soon as I hit legal drinking age. Pretty sure I can outrun Mayama, and Minamoto is a coin toss. Depends on the terrain.
Laughing is the only thing I can do, because absurd guys have absurd circumstances.
Three days ago:
Minamoto accidentally touched the same book as Hasuda, and bumped into a ladder behind him. Shelves toppled like dominos. Hasuda's backpack knocked the glass case off a fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the library.
Two days ago:
I was picking a varsity jacket for Miiko, because pet products were recently released to show school spirit. Official colors are red and blue, like red oni, blue oni.
Shouta, the ex-yankee shopclerk, loomed closely behind lovebirds. As soon as they stepped away, he fixed T-shirts on display, folding them flat. Speed was comparable to a comedy skit. They scolded his customer service.
Suddenly, Mayama appeared behind a plastic palm tree, defended Shouta's honor as a fudanshi would, and scared them with a disruptive dissertation. It went on many tangents. Prim and proper 7:3 proportions of bangs VS nape undercut with explosive masculinity. Putting a tie in a shirt pocket. Perfect smile, etc.
I bought scarves for my parents and a thermos for my younger brother.
Ayato complained the pattern was tackier than my Hawaiian shirts. Does this punk even clean his messy room? We own similar shirts. During a beach episode, he wore a hibiscus in his hair like a shoujo manga heroine. Stain of our mob bloodline. If that's not tacky, I don't know what is.
Yesterday:
While drinking beer with Masaya, Youji, Takimoto, and Akihito on a dorm's balcony, a flowerpot fell off the railing.
Youji caught it before the flowerpot could cause a concussion. In a series of unfortunate events, Minamoto saved Kouga in vain, his face imprinted in a pile of freshly mowed grass. Kouga's knee crashed into a tree, and an empty bird's nest came down. Takimoto, Akihito, Minamoto, and I spent a long time pulling twigs and patting dead leaves from his black hair.
Masaya rolled on the ground laughing, so Youji shoved a bunch of pine needles down his hoodie. I had to lend a lint roller.
Out of a misplaced yet well-meaning sense of responsibility, Akihito invited Kouga and Minamoto to movie night, offering privileges of picking first and second.
It doesn't sound cool, but historically has caused petty contests for bragging rights. An excuse to play games only a couple would enjoy. Traditionally, we hold a shitty award ceremony with a trophy and a sash worthy of an American prom, which was mended by Misaki's macho sewing kit.
Sincerely congratulatory, Masaya cooed at Akihito, 'Our shy boy is finally abusing his power as resident assistant!'
Then Minamoto nodded, shook his head, and speed-walked without saying a word.
Afterwards, Ryouta dragged Touma and me to the basement for movie night. Neither Kouga nor Minamoto appeared. Movies were boring. Korean butter squid and Cuban pastries with cream cheese and guava jam were delicious, though.
Akihito and Ryouta's dorm usually has a party every two weeks. Trivia. Poker. Strip poker. Mahjong. Pocky. Arm wrestling. Ugly sweaters. Yo-yo tricks.
Mixing crappy drinks that shouldn't have been conceived, and competing for the best description of its taste. Depending on criteria, the judge might value accuracy, brevity, comedy, or maybe an original rap. This is one of my favorite games.
Trading excessive compliments and thanking your opponent without changing your expression, no matter how exaggerated. To end it fast, I employ low tactics from rotten literature, and win all the chips in one round. Unlike Mayama, I don't derive nutrients from lovers flirting with each other. This is one of my least favorite games.
Because it's more socially acceptable for girls to praise the same sex, some guys are starved for attention. They don't care if it's negative, positive, or neutral. Indifference is interpreted as kindness.
However, everyone views the world with biases, so that's normal. I don't have any basis to judge right or wrong, and what's healthy or unhealthy depends on the person.
Different people need different things. For example, Miyoshi is a nice guy who's more insane than Harumi. He's genuinely nice. Doesn't enable his lover like Yuuji does with Fuji. Miyoshi devotes his time to discover alternative methods for a yandere man to be happy without harming others or himself, all for the sake of protecting him, preventing from becoming a social outcast. That endeavor is an insane hill to die on.
The fact that Miyoshi is working hard to wrangle his long-time crush into a law-abiding citizen, instead of letting Harumi's confinement route happen, is rare in this genre. Worthy of respect. I wish them happiness.
In a world saturated in romance—
"Don't wipe your hands on me, I'm not your personal towel!"
What?
Ah, I almost forgot. Minamoto's female suitors are fighting on the BL battlefield.
It seems Mayama won't help Minamoto. I heard the sound of paper from his hiding place. Hey, have some professional pride as a stalker.
I hope one of Minamoto's fans will win.
Too bad the world will never spit out what's already been bitten by a backstory. Even I'm struggling, and the market has low demand for mobs. Post-awareness of the 'average' attribute, there's always a chance of being consumed.
Faceless, blurry, and clear faces are 5:3:2 for women, 2:3:5 for men. Coincidentally the same as the standard Omega-verse gender ratio. Funny how Fibonacci numbers naturally recur in nature, even in this BL world.
Technically speaking, 'eyeless' is more accurate, since they still have a nose and mouth. If they were egg-shaped, that would leave no way for me to live. I'd have trouble identifying people.
Because of Masaya and Youji, Sayuri cut her hair. Her girlfriend was blurry, but Ririna became brighter, literally and figuratively.
When Ayato's friends visit, the upper half of our parents' faces are temporarily frozen in bank accounts, eyebrows exempted from Protagonist Tax.
In my phone's photo album, my family is blurry, because we belong in the background. Just kidding, I purposely take bad pictures because it's funny. If the shitty brat is complaining about my inability to use a camera, he can't complain about something else. Less work for me.
Have I forgotten how to take good pictures of people? Haha.
I couldn't find my younger brother while recording their Cinderella play. Failed our grandparents' earnest request to zoom in on Ayato. He was a horse. Not even a stalking horse. As expected of a mob... a main character with mediocre traits.
Usui used to be a mob character too. Introduced with Yanagi and Toujou in spring, then transformed into a sparkling high schooler in the summer.
With a lover, the number of lines on the face might experience exponential growth.
Hmm, that's youth.
"Leave me alone! If you want to go drinking, there's a fountain! Since you've paid the fucking tuition, take advantage of public facilities!"
How much time has passed? I stand, sedately crossing the courtyard, and toss my cup in a trash can. It's nice to stretch my legs a little. Like a considerate bystander, I've been politely ignoring Minamoto's problems and Mayama's personality... Now that I take a closer look, are they...? Ah, I see. That explains a lot.
A group of drunk women are hitting on Minamoto. If they were sober, I would envy him, but there's no point in being envious. Without inhibitions, a cute girl's actions rarely reflects true desires. That road will lead to regrets on both sides. Only a short-sighted narcissist would treat a temporary state of vulnerability like reality.
Now I have a stronger incentive to not approach.
A mob helping a lost child is seen as a trafficker, and a mob helping a defenseless woman is seen as a molester. Is that cruel? Yet I can't argue with the BL world's internal logic. Instant misunderstandings are flawed, but response time is swift and merciless. When ignoring a crime would hurt your conscience, it's better to risk making a mistake, then apologize to the innocent. I'm not afraid of being falsely accused. Not knowing what I allegedly did, though, is annoying as hell.
Drunkenness is more dangerous for a woman than a man. I'm not worried for danger, but when those girls wake up, they might want to die. Let's save them from some embarrassment.
Don't kill your social lives at such a young age, especially for someone who has none.
I nod hello at Minamoto. Perhaps he's trembling from the effort to not punch me in a protective fit. Who is he protecting? That person might not exist.
"Are you okay? I can airdrop a map of napping stations."
Unblinkingly, all four girls turn towards me, resembling rabbits or meerkats on two legs. Blurry, blurry, blurry, faceless. I can't see her blinking, because she has no eyes. The BL world is tough for mobs.
"Sorry, you lack the core strength to carry us there."
"Naptime!! Take me to your leader!!"
"Crossing bridges over water~ A new reflection creeping in~ Got your head so full of traffic~ The love pollution's setting in~~♪"
Love Pollution by Feeder.
"Eh? Our sh-school has a daycare for adults? So fairytale dreams do come true."
Standing in sleeping pods isn't popular, unless it's exam season. "If you search on the official forum, it's buried in the second topmost post, under the 'Reflection and Religion' category."
Since it was stuck loading on Exclamation Mark Girl's phone, I airdropped the nap map directly.
"Thank you very much!!!" She bows. I awkwardly bow back.
"Fun fact~ I really wanna fucking make you cry~ It just isn't right, so enticing, just like you~ Master-minding every fight, rivers flowing from my eyes~ No emotion from your side~~♪"
<Coping Mechanism> by WILLOW, who's popular with women who like women.
"You have friends, Minamoto-kun? Am I no good? 'Cause I wanna be your best-est friend."
"Minamoto-senpai, first name. What is it? And your zodiac sign."
That's my cue to leave. In my peripheral vision, Mayama sinks into his 'If only this was a BL world!' pose. I want to show grandchildren to my parents, so I'm going home.
Should I visit that Chinatown aquarium? I feel like looking at fish.
"We're... friends."
Ah, men and women are determined to embarrass themselves today. At least try to be more convincing. I'll have to cover this up.
"Are we? You don't sound very sure." I lower my voice at the last word, attempting to hide a laugh.
Minamoto begins to sweat, being on the receiving side of a suspicious pause. What's a little revenge between friends? Surely he'll understand.
"Akihito saved you a plate of snacks from movie night, since you haven't tried Touma's revised churro recipe yet. Apologize. All this time, he's been bravely defending it from that den of thieves."
"I'll apologize to him today."
"I know you will."
To be friends with a handsome man, I must eliminate the most troublesome attribute, and let Minamoto experience stupid college shenanigans. A lone wolf needs to become 'human' in the eyes of others. Honestly, he might regret it.
I was being truthful about Akihito, who carefully wrote Kouga and Minamoto's names on Halloween-themed sticky notes. Touma's churros were in two flavors, pumpkin cheesecake and purple yam. One of each was set aside for the people who didn't attend movie night. Other snacks too.
Ryouta's loyalty is easily bought with a piece of candy, so Minamoto will come into contact with many people... Since he's the type to be uncomfortable in skirts, Yamazaki and Mayama will definitely team up... Youji's dartboard is covered in photos of morally corrupt celebrities and Masaya... Takimoto watches open-heart surgeries on his laptop... There's no refuge for sanity.
At least I've solved the stalking problem. Have no idea what Minamoto intended to accomplish with that stunt. Friendship? I guess so.
The girls have been shaken by the sudden shift in Minamoto's image.
"That's r-right, hurry up and make up with this Akihito-kun! I'm sorry too! I shouldn't have been surprised. Something like, having you to myself, is selfish. I was such a dum-dum."
"Of course Minamoto-senpai has friends, he's the man I've set my sights on. Touma... hmph, I'm quite confident in my cooking skills."
"Is it cooking or baking? Either way, I'm all fired up!! Let's have a churro cooking contest!!"
"What a shame~ I adore alt style men, but you didn't recognize any songs. When will I meet my future husband?"
Alt style? Mayama suits that description more than Minamoto. I was in a band in my first year of university, but quit right away. Dodged a bullet by the skin of my teeth.
It's getting late. I glance at the shaky posture of women, stumbling on the paved path.
"Wait, I'll call someone to take care of you."
Skeptical expressions.
"Ririna-san recently composed a sign language cover of a WILLOW song. You can talk about music."
Hook, line, sinker.
"EEEEEEK~!!!"
Since Ririna prefers texting and video-calls, I decide to call Sayuri instead, speaking loud enough for the four girls to listen in.
"Hey, Sayuri-san, could you come over to the courtyard? ....Yeah, where Ririna-san heartlessly abandoned her pumpkin baby. There's four women who could use some help. One of them is a WILLOW fan.... What? No, you owe me a favor. Dart bar...... You're coming with the white horse carriage? Okay, princess syndrome...... Good luck. I'll leave them with your phone number.... Thanks, bye."
Buy one, get one free.
"Ririna-san and Sayuri-san will be here in 20 minutes. I hope none of you are prone to motion sickness."
While I was driving BL couples home, Masaya briefly mentioned being traumatized by his childhood friend's driving skills. Didn't go into detail, but his face told everything.
Amiably, I smile at the girls' vaguely alarmed expressions.
"Have a nice night! Minamoto, I'll take you to Akihito, so you can think about your apology along the way."
We walk without looking in Mayama's direction.
That went well.
Ten minutes later, Minamoto goes behind a wall and grabs Mayama's collar, audibly grinding his teeth.
"You."
What about the churros?