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Are you ever going to talk to me?
Jeno thought as he blinked away the forming tears in his eyes. He couldn’t afford to cry right now. He was about to go on stage. He had to be on it, be his very best. A crying Lee Jeno was not in his mind of performance ready.
Jeno shook off his feelings of vulnerability. He caught a glimpse of the fans from where he stood at the side of the stage. That made him happy. Getting to perform in front of Nctzens for the first time since the whole pandemic started truly did lift his spirits. Jeno took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He would be fine. He would be just fine.
“Let’s go, birthday boy!!!”
His Mark hyung’s eagerness was contagious. It easily broke Jeno out in a smile. Jeno appreciated the arm Mark slung around his shoulders. Comfort was exactly what he needed, even if Mark wasn’t exactly the person Jeno wanted comfort from. Jeno could feel the pricks of tears trying to form in his eyes again. Mark the ever observant leader was quick to notice.
“Jeno? You ok man?” Mark’s voice was laced with worry and concern, and Jeno knew he had to shake it off again. They couldn’t afford to have their performance distracted by all these emotions.
Jeno faked a laugh and posed his trademark eye smile to his hyung.
“Yeah, of course, hyung! You know allergy season is starting so my eyes are getting irritated easily a lot.”
Mark studied his face, and Jeno internally panicked. He had a feeling Mark wouldn’t believe him. Mark was one of the few people that could tell Jeno’s real smiles from his fake ones.
Mark held his gaze for a good 5 seconds before sighing and patting Jeno on the back.
“Ok, if you need some eye drops we have some in the dressing room I think.” Jeno nodded.
“Thanks, hyung. I’ll probably get some after the performance.”
Mark bit his lip and studied Jeno another second longer before replying with a small sound good and walked over to Haechan. Jeno had a feeling he was screwed and
Mark was going to try to get him to talk later.
The stage director signaled they were on in 1 minute and needed to get into formation. Jeno blocked out the thoughts in his head that were causing him to want to break down. He was fine. He was going to be just fine.
They all walked on stage, the lights dim before their start. Jeno was ready, he was ready to rock this performance.
And then in the last 10 seconds before Nct Dream was scheduled to perform their song ‘Glitch Mode,’ Jeno looked over to the person who was causing him to feel so much turmoil. There standing so beautifully handsome, unbothered, and most definitely not looking back at Jeno was Na Jaemin.
Yeah, Jeno was not fine.
-x-
A few days after their Music Bank performance, the rest of the dreamies, excluding Jaemin, started to notice Jeno was acting weird. While Mark hadn’t approached Jeno after their performance to see what was going on, Mark had subtly kept a watchful eye on Jeno. Or perhaps not so subtle since any time Jeno caught Mark looking at him, Jeno was quick to leave the room. Still, Jeno was surprised that Mark hadn’t said anything to him yet.
It was mid-afternoon on a Thursday when Chenle gave him a scare.
“Jeno hyung what’s up with you?”
Jeno all but jumped at the sudden question and the sudden appearance of the Chinese male in their dorm kitchen. From what Jeno could remember Chenle hadn’t said anything about coming by the dorm that day. It probably just slipped his mind.
Chenle clicked his tongue, not impressed at his hyung being dumbfounded while holding the fridge doors open.
“You know the food will go bad if you keep the doors open for long right?”
“Oh urm right.”
Jeno quickly grabbed an apple and closed the doors. He turned his head, not glancing at Chenle, and proceeded to wash off his chosen fruit.
“You know that’s why Ten hyung won’t visit us. Well, the dream dorm I mean. The amount of fruit you guys have probably grossed him out.”
Chenle laughed. Jeno smiled and whispered out a quiet yeah.
Both Chenle and Jeno knew that Ten’s strange phobia of fruits wasn’t enough to keep him away from his dream babies. It was more so due to, or at least what Jeno just guessed, the fact that their dorm was so close to the Nct 127 dorm. In the 127 dorms was a person Ten had been avoiding for quite some time.
Jeno understood. He was trying to do the same thing, but it was a little harder for him since they were in the same unit.
“Ok I get that you most likely don’t want to talk about this-“
“I don’t.”
Chenle sighed. He wished Renjun or Haechan were at the dream dorm right now. They were always good at talking sense to Jeno when he wanted to shut down.
“You can tell me.”
Chenle’s words were laced with sincerity and genuine concern. Jeno felt so bad for causing his dongsaeng to worry about him.
“It’s nothing, Lele.”
-x-
“What’s going on with you and Jaemin?” Renjun asked.
“Nothing. We’re fine.” Jeno all but growled. He was focused on his and Renjun’s gaming. He didn’t want to answer questions about his love life, or lack thereof.
Renjun paused their game, and Jeno whined in response. He was exhausted from telling himself and everyone lies.
Renjun looked at his friend with a puzzled gaze, not sure how to ask his next question.
“Jeno, you’re not fine. You don’t talk to Jaemin. He doesn’t talk to you. You guys share a room, but yet Jaemin goes to Haechan’s room for a place to sleep.”
Renjun said the last bit with some edge to it, his jealousy clear. Renjun didn’t like sharing what was his, and while Renjun never really considered himself possessive, having one of his best friends bunk with his boyfriend (platonically of course Renjun would kill them both otherwise) on the regular was pushing his buttons.
Jeno snorted.
“At least you don’t have to worry about your boyfriend breaking your trust.”
That took Renjun off guard. What was Jeno getting at?
“Jeno....what...are you implying?”
Renjun fidgeted with his ps5 controller, nervous about how to play out the conversation.
Jeno rested his face in his eyes for a good minute before getting up from their couch position. The black-haired male laughed.
“Don’t worry about it, Injunnie. I’m sorry that Jaemin has been taking away from your love life.”
Jeno then soon left and went to his room.
Renjun was a little in shock. Jeno had spoken to him with so much sarcasm and spite. Renjun didn’t recognize Jeno at all.
Renjun heard the shower turn on, indicating his conversation with Jeno wasn’t going to get picked up again soon. It was a known fact that Jeno took very long showers to avoid talking to people when he didn’t want to.
Renjun reached for his phone and opened his text messages.
‘hey hyung, I think it’s worse than we thought. ‘
-x-
All 23 members were currently on the rooftop of Nct 127’s dorm building. Taeyong wanted to start having regular ‘family get-togethers’ of all the units to just wind and relax. The team had agreed and it seemed like there was nothing wrong in their lives at the moment.
Mark observed how most of the members were engaging with each other in conversations. It was wary to spot the loudest ones, Chenle and Lucas’s voices carried across rooftops. It made the Canadian happy to see all those he considered a second family together. Mark couldn’t help but notice a lone wolf of messy black hair sitting in one of the pullout chairs, beer in hand, looking out at the scenery.
Mark knew he had to talk to Jeno. As a leader and as a friend, it was his duty to figure out what was wrong.
Jeno was currently sitting off to side from the rest of the whole Nct group. Mark figured this would be a good time as any to try and approach Jeno. Jeno wouldn’t risk making a scene in front of everyone and drawing their attention.
Mark took a breath and walked over to his dongsaeng.
“Hey, Jeno. Mind if I join you?”
Jeno didn’t spare his hyung a glance, but only gestured at him to pull up a chair and sit down next to him. Mark contemplated if it would even do any good, he try to figure out what was wrong with Jeno, just when the 00’ liner was like this. Mark didn’t want to risk Jeno shutting him out and denying the problem altogether, which Mark knew Jeno had an unhealthy habit of doing. Still, he knew he had to try.
“It’s nice, right? Us getting all together like this?”
Jeno hummed in agreement, so Mark figured it was safe to test the waters in the direction he meant to go.
“Did you see how Yuta hyung is practically joined at the hip with Winwin Hyung? I swear I think Yuta hyung will lock Winwin hyung in his room so he can’t leave back to China.”
Jeno laughed, “I wouldn’t put it past him.”
Mark took a sip of his beer and glanced over at Jeno. Jeno being ever observant, especially when Mark Lee was staring at him, looked back at his hyung irritation clear on his face.
“You know speaking of couples...” Mark trailed off, nodding his head over towards a table where Sungchan was being adorably flirty with Chenle. Jeno followed his line of sight to the 01’ liners. Jeno thought them cute but not well suited.
“They’re not dating. Well even if they are it’s not like they’ll last.” Jeno huffed and Mark raised his eyebrow.
“I thought you were a romance guy.”
Mark’s teasing glint shone in his eye.
Jeno shrugged and took another sip of his beer.
“I was. Now I’m a realistic guy.”
A frown appeared on Mark’s face, then he darted his gaze to the 01’ liners, and his face softened by a fraction.
“I see.” Mark scratched his nape, “but they’re happy now.”
“Doesn’t mean they’ll stay happy.”
From both Renjun’s earlier text and Jeno’s statement just now, Mark’s suspicions were confirmed. He still had to get to the heart of it though.
“You know couples go through rough patches. Nobody is happy all of the time. It’s the willingness to work through that and the choice to love each other is what pushes them forward.” Mark’s words were soft and low, designed for Jeno’s ears alone.
“No offense Mark hyung but you’re not exactly the person who should be giving love advice.”
Jeno bit his tongue, feeling his remark may have been a bit below the belt towards his hyung. To Jeno’s surprise though, Mark held no look of hurt or anger; but a fond smile.
“You mean because of my breakup with Donghyuck?”
Jeno nodded.
“Nah actually I think that’s exactly why I can give you love advice.” Mark chuckled.
“How do you figure?” Jeno asked timidly.
“Because that exact advice is what me and Hyuck followed.”
“But you broke up.” Jeno pointed out puzzled.
“Yes, we did. Before that though we went through a period of intense fights and long periods of silence. We were in this unknown space of if we should break up or not. After a few months, I talked to Hyuck about going to couple’s therapy and he agreed, and it was really hard.”
Mark paused, allowing Jeno to fully process everything he was saying before continuing.
“We fought a lot in therapy, but it helped to have a trained professional to mediate. Despite how rough it was, we both continued to show up, pushing through and choosing to love each other.”
“But in the end, you both didn’t choose to love each other.” Jeno was trying to wrap his head around his hyung’s words, but all this love talk plus his own love life turmoil was emotionally exhausting.
“Ah, you’re missing my point. We were choosing to love each other by trying to work past the limbo we had been stuck in.”
Jeno was still confused.
“How is that love?”
Mark smiled fondly at him.
“Because when you love someone, you don’t want them to be miserable and that’s what we were; miserable together.”
Mark could see the wheels in Jeno’s mind turning.
Ah, so he’s finally getting it, the Canadian thought.
“Look at Ten hyung and Johnny Hyung. It sucks to say, but they are a perfect example. If Donghyuck and I didn’t choose to try to work on our relationship, we would probably be exactly like them. Stuck in relationship limbo.”
“But you guys would be together,” Jeno interjected.
“Would we? Be honest with me Jeno, does it seem like Ten hyung and Johnny hyung are together? Like yeah, they’re boyfriends but they act like each other doesn’t exist. They don’t deserve that. They deserve to be happy, and that might mean breaking up.”
“So what? It’s miserable together versus happy alone? Can’t there be a scenario of happy together?”
“Of course. But that all depends on the couple.”
“No, hyung you’re not making sense!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re saying it depends on the couple but you just said you and Haechan did all the healthy couple things to work on your relationship but you still broke up! Ok sure you’re both happy now but what’s the point of dating then?”
Mark contemplated his answer before answering Jeno.
“So you think I should regret my relationship with Donghyuck since we didn’t work out?”
“Don’t you?”
Mark shook his head.
“No? We had a lot of fun times and made good memories together.”
“But you’re not together!” Jeno shouted a little louder than intended. His eyes went wide when he realized his volume.
Mark looked behind them and saw a few of the members (Taeyong mostly) throwing them confused looks. Mark subtly shook his head to let them know they were fine. Then he turned back to Jeno, who was looking depressingly at the ground.
“We both moved on. He’s still my best friend and I’ll always love him but I don’t see us ever dating again.”
“How is all that hurt worth it hyung?” Jeno looked up at him with glossy eyes.
“We’ll obviously it sucks, and yeah it hurts like shit for a good while. But I look at it this way. Me and Donghyuck’s relationship was only a season of my life, and while it hurt that it ended it also ended well and felt right. You know kinda like how when a movie just has an awesome ending? That’s how I view it. Me and Hyuckie were awesome and I’ll always cherish it, but that part of our lives is over and that’s just the way it is.”
“You would compare your life to a movie.” Jeno half chuckled, then proceeded to down the rest of his beer.
“I mean we’re all the main characters of our own lives right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Ok, I know I’ve rambled but I feel like you get the gist of what I’m getting at right?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“So it begs the question of what you’re gonna do?”
“Well, I guess I’m going to have to force Jaemin to talk to me and we’re either going to break up or become better as a couple.”
“Ah, see you know what to do.” Mark beamed at him and patted his back.
“Thanks, hyung.”
“Of course, Jeno. I’m always here for you.”
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Just enjoying each other’s company. They heard their fewer members’ voices not too far away. Someone was shouting about playing mafia.
Jeno hummed, a thought coming to him.
“You know I don’t know why you have the reputation of a dude with no clue when it comes to relationships.”
“Dude! Who said that?!”
Mark practically jumped out of his seat.
“I think it was Jaehyun hyung.”
“What about Jaehyun?” Yuta asked, joining the conversation. The japanese male slung an arm around Mark and ruffled Jeno’s hair.
“Apparently Jaehyun hyung’s spreading rumors I have no game,” Mark grumbled.
Yuta immediately broke out in a fit of giggles. Mark sent him a hurt look and Yuta tried to compose himself.
“Sorry Markie, but those aren’t exactly rumors.” He chuckled.
Mark sent his hyung an appalled look. “Hyung what are you saying?”
“He’s saying what Jaehyun hyung said is true and you Mark hyung have no game,” Jeno said, matter-of-factly.
Mark groaned and put his face in his hands.
“Why is this my reputation?”
Yuta and Jeno continued to laugh fondly at Mark.
It was a nice distraction for Jeno, but he knew what he needed to do. Jeno looked over to some of the other members, his eyes catching on those of his boyfriend. Jeno’s breath caught in his throat when Jaemin looked back at him, holding his gaze.
Jeno breathed in.
His resolve was made.