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Toya wasn’t feeling great at all today.
His father was at a concert in Shibuya, he had a fight with his boyfriend yesterday, and he was alone. He briefly remembered that his medicine ran out as well, adding to the mess. He didn’t understand, why wasn’t he good enough? He was useless compared to Shirashi, Azusawa, and Akito. He loved Akito. His passion for singing was so strong. But his? His just was to piss his father off. Vivid Bad Squad would be better off without him. Akito would be better off without him. All Toya felt in that moment was just misery. Why couldn’t his life be simple? It was too hard, there was no point in even trying anymore. His head throbbed again, this time from stress, anger and sadness. It made it feel as if someone else were controlling his body; one hand reached up to massage his temples, while the other rested over his stomach. Toya looked around the pitch dark room and covered himself with his blanket. He silently weeped by himself. “I..I’m so” he sobs harder “useless..”
Akito didn’t know what to do. He lashed out at Toya yesterday night after a rough day. That rough day being mixed up of his father degrading him, his sister taking his pancakes that he paid for, and to top it off he knew Toya had one note off. He felt terrible for lashing out at him considering his background with his father’s strict methods of forcing Toya to play the perfect melody on piano. And he decided “Hey let me yell at my boyfriend who tried his best for a wrong note!” Akito then looks up at his destination. The Aoyagi residence. He had a bouquet of flowers in his hand for Toya. Akito takes a deep breath in and knocks on the door. “Toya! It’s Akito, can you….can you come open the door please?”
Akito waited for a few minutes but he then got concerned. His boyfriend had sharp ears, he could hear if one of his friends sighed or needed a break. “Toya? Are you there?” When no response came, he looked through the nearby houseplant where Toya had placed a hidden key for him. He opens the door quietly and locks it. “Toya, if you aren’t coming out…I’m going to apologize either way.”
Toya had briefly heard the knocks of someone on the doorstep but couldn’t get up to open it. He had a force stop him from doing anything besides crying all day. How pathetic of him. Wallowing in self pity all day? Toya sobbed harder.
“Toya are you here? Oh jeez, pitch black hold on I need to-“ A light flash came through and Toya saw through the blanket of a light. “turn on the lig-OH GOD! Toya are you ok?!”
His blanket was shoved off as his boyfriend cradled his face in his warm hands. Toya desperately tries to hide his tears of Akito. Fearing that Toya would hurt himself in the process, he dropped his flowers next the bed and gently wiped his tears away.
“I..I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” The dual colored haired boy cried, this only made Akito worried more.
“Toya, calm down please you’re panicking-“
“I’m sorry for..for being so..useless, for being terrible at singing, for being a terrible boyfriend. I can’t do..can’t do anything at all! I haven’t eaten since yesterday, I haven’t gotten up to brush my teeth, I don’t have my medicine and-!” Akito cuts him off
“Toya breathe please! You’re…you’re having a panic attack!”
Toya couldn’t hear him, his thoughts flooded his mind. Degrading words kept repeating themselves over and over in his head like a broken record. He couldn’t take them. They hurt him more than Akito’s ever did. He was such a burden to the world at large. “I...I don’t want anyone to love me anymore. They will see how I’m such a horrible person! I-I’m ugly, I can’t say what I mean, I’m scared of heights at 16, I’m just not good enough for anyone, not..not even me! Even if they do love me, they’ll all see what a mistake it was and leave me alone!”
Toya began hyperventilating as his chest heaved rapidly with each gasp. His heart raced as he struggled to stay conscious. Akito watched helplessly from behind the blanket. “Please stop..please stop..” Akito begged.
“No…no, no please..” Toya continued to struggle. He didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to sleep forever.
“Toya! Stop please!” Akito pleaded. He had never seen his boyfriend like this before. Tears fell from his eyes and he couldn’t stop watching Toya suffer. “I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do..” He said before quickly pressing a kiss on Toya’s lips.
Toya gasped, surprised by the kiss. He slowly calmed himself down, realizing that this was real. This was all happening. Tears still fell down his face, however. “I’m so sorry…” Akito whispered. He wrapped Toya in another hug. Toya buried himself in Akito's jacket. Toya slowly calmed down and relished in the small sweet whispers that Akito emitted. “Why…why are you sorry?” Toya asked with half lidded eyes. “W-well! I didn’t know if you wanted a kiss when you were…” Akito trailed off at the memory of Toya hyperventilating. “O-oh, sorry you uhm…had to see that…” Toya confessed softly.
Akito sat closer to him and cupped Toya’s face. “Idiot. You are such a huge idiot.” He then kisses Toya deeply. Toya melts into the kiss and hugs Akito tighter. When they break it off, Akito’s soft and warm eyes morph into concern. “Why did you call yourself useless? or..or a mistake or a terrible boyfriend?” Akito brushes the stray hair in his love’s eyes away to look closer at him. “Cause. It’s true.” Toya averts his eyes from Akito. “You are not a disappointment. You know that right?” Akito smiles weakly.
He knows Toya’s insecurity is very much real. But it also stems from his past. There were many reasons Akito thought he failed as a boyfriend, some of which were very petty and others weren’t. He couldn’t erase his own insecurities and he definitely couldn’t erase Toya’s depression and anxiety but he would help him every step of the way.
“Toya Aoyagi. I love you for you. I love the fact you have a big heart for people, the fact that you selflessly sacrifice your happiness for others.” His memory briefly goes back to when they temporarily broke apart Bad Dogs. “The fact that you are honest and” Akito softly laughs “really blunt with words. You have respect for everyone, you give so much.” Akito continues. “And the fact that you have so much determination and drive in you. You’re amazing.” Akito runs his hands through Toya’s soft hair. “You stand up for yourself against people who are jerks to any of us and your father. I love you even when you make stupid choices. Why? Because you’re human.” Akito kisses his forehead. “Because you are beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving. Because I love your smile, your laugh, your voice. Because your hair smells really nice. Because your cheeks turn pink if you blush. Because you always give so much effort for everyone. Even those things we can’t see because we’re not looking or plainly don’t care. That’s your biggest flaw and that’s the biggest reason why I love you. Because you’re worth loving. You’re worth so much more than that.” Akito says as he wipes a tear from Toya’s cheek.
Toya then looks at Akito’s eyes to search for any deceit but finds only an earnest and loving gaze. Silent tears cascade down Toya’s cheeks as he looks at Akito. Akito holds onto Toya tightly until Toya calms down again. “So stop being sorry or whatever you’re doing. Stop blaming yourself for what happened, ok? Just be strong because you deserve to live happy and you deserve people to love you.” Akito’s look then turns into an awkward smile.
“And besides..” he coughed out. “You…you like me for my flaws too. I’m really sorry for-“ Toya cuts him off with a kiss. “With love Aki, I know you didn’t mean it. And I know your little ramble about me is what you really do mean.” Akito and Toya smile warmly at each other. “Do you wanna take your medicine?” Akito asks. Toya snuggles closer to Akito’s chest making Akito lay on the bed with the blanket wrapping them. “No..no not really. I don’t really have any left..so-“
“Finish that sentence and I’ll suffocate you with this blanket. We’ll get your medicine later ok? It’s too early for the pharmacy to open after all.” He looked at the clock that read 11:30 am. Toya lays his head on his boyfriend’s chest. “That just means we’ll have more time to cuddle right?” Toya said hopefully. “And sleep, I see those eyebags partner. We have all the time in the world.” Toya laughs softly, a genuine laugh that Akito missed. “Yeah. I know.”
Akito then lifts Toya’s head one more time to kiss him.
“Don’t you forget Toya Aoyagi. You are the world to me.”
“You are too Akito Shinomone. You’re the love of my life and the world.”
The two blissfully goes to sleep with no worries. It won’t be perfect at all, but this was enough for them. All enough for them.
“If we get married, is Ena my sister in law now?”
“You consider that devil spawn a sister?”
“I mean you think the same with my brothers.”
“Absolutely not. Your family sucks, even Ena is better.”
“Haha…Really, Tsukasa and Saki? they’re my family Aki.”
“Oh please not Tsukasa.”
Toya laughs softly at that
”Go to sleep Toya. We’ll plan it one day.”
“Promise?”
Akito groaned but with no malice laced only pure adoration.
“Yes Toyaaa, I promise. Now sleep.”
That promise will later become true.