Chapter Text
"Look, I don't usually do this," Death said, "but someone pestered me so obnoxiously that I decided, out of the kindness of the black pit that is my heart, to give you a little warning."
Felix stared blankly at the apparition at the foot of his bed, firmly convinced he was dreaming. "What?" he said.
"You," Death said, pointing at him helpfully, "are going to die," here he mimed hanging himself, "in three days. You can't tell anyone that you've seen me or what I've said, but you are free to do whatever you want before the clock stops." Death smiled encouragingly, which was perhaps the most terrifying sight Felix had ever seen. Only the fact that he was half-asleep kept him from screaming or passing out. "Good luck," Death said, and then he was gone.
Felix stared at the empty space previously occupied by Death for several quiet minutes.
"Shit," he said.
Then he went back to sleep.
-
In the morning Felix almost didn't remember the encounter with Death at all, but he felt mysteriously uneasy during breakfast and could barely follow the conversation between Seungmin and Jeongin. This wasn't exactly unusual; he zoned out on the regular, especially when he was sleepy. But still something tickled at the back of his mind, tauntingly out of reach. It was only as he was stacking his plate in the sink that he suddenly remembered the spectre that had appeared to him in the night.
He froze with a slight clatter, replaying Death's words in his mind. Despite his usually spotty memory Death's words repeated themselves with uncanny clarity. Felix chanced a glance over his shoulder, just in case Death was there speaking to him again. But the kitchen was empty- eerily empty- but for him. Even the sunlight coming in through the window, bright and warm, felt somehow cold and forbidding.
Shivering, Felix left his dishes in the sink and retreated to the safety of the living room. Only Jeongin was there now, standing by the mirror and fixing his hair. He was fully dressed even though they didn't have practice until evening.
"Are you leaving?" Felix asked, trying not to sound as freaked out as he felt.
"Yes, hyung. I'm meeting my friends for coffee."
"Ah," Felix said. "Have fun."
Jeongin gave him a thumbs up and headed for his shoes in the entry way. Felix's hands twitched with the urge to grab him, hug him, hold onto him and never let him go. Instead he threw himself onto the couch and closed his eyes, listening to Jeongin's rustling until he was gone.
The apartment fell into silence. Felix tossed his arms over his face and breathed carefully, but his heart was beating so hard it hurt.
Jumping to his feet, he shuffled towards Seungmin's door and knocked.
"Seungmin-ah," he called.
"Go away," Seungmin replied.
Felix knocked his forehead against the door a few times and sighed. Of course Seungmin would forgive him eventually if he ignored his command and went inside, but he felt so anxious already. The thought of opening the door against Seungmin's wishes was too much.
He checked Minho's room, just in case, peeking inside when his knock went unanswered. The room was empty and the curtains pulled back to reveal his bed, conspicuously missing its occupant. He was probably out for a walk or at the gym, as Felix had expected.
Sighing gustily, Felix returned to his own room and grabbed his phone, beating a hasty retreat to the living room when even the sight of his bed caused his throat to close up. On the couch he stared at his contact list, flipping listlessly up and down the names of his friends, family, other members. 3racha were probably still asleep. His family- no, he wasn't ready for that yet.
His finger stopped scrolling at Hyunjin's name. It was a bad idea for so many reasons, but...
He hit the call button and held the phone up to his ear. His hands were shaking.
After an eternity of rings, he heard a click and Hyunjin's voice, thick with sleep. "Felix?"
Felix's heart squeezed painfully in his chest. "Sorry, did I wake you?"
"It's okay. What's up?"
Felix closed his eyes, already regretting everything. "Sorry, I just- nevermind."
"What? Is something wrong?"
Yes. Yes, everything is wrong. "No, I just-" Felix's voice caught embarrassingly. He coughed. "I just don't want to be alone right now."
Hyunjin was silent for a moment. Felix pinched the bridge of his nose to try to stave off the tears he could feel building there.
"Come over," Hyunjin said.
"Okay," Felix said.
-
When Felix made it to the other dorm, he went in quietly and toed his shoes off at the door. The apartment was silent and still, its occupants all asleep. Felix tiptoed to Hyunjin's door and went in without knocking.
Inside, he felt the tiniest bit of his anxiety recede. Hyunjin's space always had that effect on him; the soft colors, the artwork, the flowers; everything about it was so Hyunjin.
Hyunjin himself was still in bed, but he squinted an eye open and pulled his blankets back. Felix wasted no time climbing into bed with him. Hyunjin was warm, and smelled so good, and let out a soft snort of laughter as Felix wrapped himself around him. It was good; it was enough.
Felix lay awake as Hyunjin fell back asleep, listening to the soft sound of his breathing. He turned his head so his ear was against Hyunjin's chest and listened to his heartbeat, closing his eyes and focusing on the steady rhythm. If he could only hear one sound for the rest of his life, he would not be sad if it were this one.
Maybe he should have saved this for the last day. He wasn't used to thinking that way. Who would be?
Three days.
The thought was overwhelming. Felix pushed it away and burrowed deeper into Hyunjin's side.
-
Felix must have fallen asleep; he awoke suddenly to a soft tapping on his nose.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Hyunjin said.
"Look who's talking," Felix mumbled.
Hyunjin laughed.
Felix stayed in bed while Hyunjin showered. He knew he had to get up, but he just felt so tired. Bone tired. Weary. Like the nap had undone all the good work of sleep and left him worse off than if he'd pulled an all-nighter.
Hyunjin returned after his shower, hair fluffy from the blow dryer. He did a double take when he saw Felix still wrapped up in his bed. Laughing, he sat down next to Felix and gave his blanket cocoon a little shake. Felix pouted.
"You're cute," Hyunjin said. "But don't blame me if you're late to practice."
Felix sighed. As much as he usually loved practice, the thought of jumping around right now was a bit much. But he'd get to see all the members, and that was a cheering thought. "I'm going, I'm going," he said.
He let Hyunjin talk him into a quick lunch, then they headed off to the studio. His tiredness came in waves; sometimes he forgot it was there, and other times it was all he could do to stay on his feet.
"Did you eat today?" Minho asked as Felix flopped onto his back during break.
Minho wasn't usually one to pry; Felix must have looked extra bad today. "I had lunch with Hyunjin," he said. "And I had breakfast."
"He only ate half of it," said Seungmin, the rat.
"Hm," Minho said. And Felix thought that was that, but later Minho passed him a vitamin jelly without comment.
"Hyung, where's my drink?" Jisung asked.
"I don't know, where did you leave it?" Minho replied mildly.
Pouting, Jisung scooted on his knees to the other side of the group, where Chan was working on his laptop. But he sent one more hurt look Minho's way, just in time to catch Minho smirking at him. For some reason this made him blush.
Felix sipped his vitamin jelly, watching all of this with his heart full. He didn't think he could ever get sick of watching the members banter with each other.
And now he really never would.
He gave that thought an especially hard shove into the back of his mind. All of the thoughts he'd been suppressing poked at him, clamoring to be heard, and he knew that the moment he was alone they would trample him. But not yet; not while he was surrounded by his members, his stalwart defenders keeping his thoughts at bay.
When practice ended and they returned to the dorms, Felix succeeded in roping Jeongin into watching a movie with him. It was so late already that he was surprised Jeongin agreed. How pathetic did he look today? But if it meant Jeongin was willing to cuddle on the couch with him for a while, he wouldn't complain.
They ended up falling asleep like that; when he woke, he found a crick in his neck and a blanket draped over them that had definitely not been there when he'd fallen asleep.
Minho, he thought.
Yawning, he stretched and groaned as his back protested loudly. Jeongin twitched awake, blinking owlishly at the dark TV.
Seungmin came out of his room as they sat up. He blinked at them, surprised. "Did you fall asleep out here?"
"Yeah," Felix said on another yawn.
"I only remember half of the movie," Jeongin said.
"Let's order samgyeopsal," Seungmin said.
So they did, and Felix tried to absorb as much as he could from their presence over breakfast. He would miss this; casually sitting around and laughing in the mornings, eating together when they were all free and happened to get up around the same time.
But would he really miss it, the voice he'd been trying to ignore wondered, if he was dead?
His appetite turned and he let Jeongin finish his food.
After Seungmin and Jeongin left for their vocal lessons, Felix went over to the other dorm again and flopped onto their couch to wait for someone to wake up. He didn't have to wait as long as he'd expected; soon Jisung shuffled out, still half-asleep, snapback pulled low over his eyes.
"Yo," he said, spotting Felix and turning his feet toward the couch. He sat down and then leaned heavily into Felix, until they were both lying down. Felix put his arms around him and Jisung yawned, relaxing further. "G'night."
He seemed set to fall asleep right there on top of Felix. Felix wasn't complaining. But Jisung's phone rang a few minutes later. Groaning, Jisung answered it with a groggy, "Huh?"
"Are you still asleep?" Minho asked from the other end. "I told you this was too early."
"No, no, no!" Jisung said, sitting up. "I'll be right there- I was on my way out but I saw Lix and couldn't resist."
"Yongbokie's there?"
"Hi, hyung," Felix said when Jisung put the phone up to his face.
"This place has really good cake, do you want anything?" Minho asked.
"I'm good, hyung."
"Are you eating without me?" Jisung asked, voice hurt, as he got up from the couch. He ruffled Felix's hair before heading for the door, taking the soft chaos of his presence with him and leaving Felix, once more, in silence.
If there was one thing Felix hated, it was being alone. But another thing he hated was imposing his company on others. It was a vicious cycle of seeing how far he could go in either direction before he broke down.
I suppose death could be a relief, he thought, but it didn't cheer him any. He'd take pain over death any day.
The next to emerge was Hyunjin, eyes barely open as he stumbled his way to the kitchen. Felix watched him go, a fond smile on his face. He missed living all together, seeing everyone in their various states of awakeness; he even missed tiptoeing around members in crummy moods. It was no secret that the group's ambient peace and happiness had gone up since all the members now had their own private space to unwind in, but there was something about seeing all of them, even their grumpier sides, that Felix would return to in a heartbeat if given the chance.
"Hyunjin-ah," he said when Hyunjin passed through the living room again.
"Wh-" Hyunjin jumped and smacked into the wall. Felix gasped and covered his mouth, but couldn't help laughing. Hyunjin was so cute; everything he did was adorable. He could be filling out government paperwork and Felix still wouldn't get bored watching him. Hyunjin clutched his chest, breathing hard and letting his head fall back with a soft thunk. "One of these days," he said, "you guys are going to give me a heart attack for real."
"I'm sorry," Felix said. "But hey, you didn't drop your coffee this time."
Hyunjin peeled himself off the wall and plopped himself down next to Felix. "I've learned to keep a death grip on this thing," he said with a laugh.
Felix leaned into his side as Hyunjin sipped his coffee, relieved when Hyunjin didn't push him away. "What are you doing today?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
"Visiting my family," Hyunjin said, with a little happy wiggle. "It's been so long since I've seen Kkami."
"Nice," Felix said, ignoring the pang in his chest. "Send me pictures."
-
Felix returned to his dorm after Hyunjin left, deciding that Seungmin and Jeongin would probably return before Chan and Changbin woke up. And he was right; and better than that, they were both eager to play video games. The rest of the day went by in a happy blur; Felix lost nearly every game, but it made Seungmin and Jeongin so happy to trounce him that he didn't mind in the slightest.
But then evening came again, along with its vile friend, solitude. Felix stared at the door to his room from the couch for a long time after the others had retired to bed. He'd barely set foot in there since the apparition the other day. It was no secret that Felix was afraid of ghosts; hell, millions of strangers knew that he was afraid of ghosts. Whatever the vision had been, he just couldn't bring himself to go in there again, especially not at night, in the dark.
Maybe he would sleep on the couch again, as uncomfortable as it had been. He glanced at the time on his phone- it was only midnight. 3racha wouldn't be anywhere near winding down for bed. But if he was really honest with himself, and if he really only had two more nights on earth...
Felix rolled off the couch before he'd even finished the thought, darting into his room for a hoodie before grabbing his shoes and taking the familiar trek to the other dorm.
He knocked on Changbin's door when he got there. "Hyung?"
"Oh, Yongbok-ah!" Changbin greeted when Felix poked his head in. "What brings you to my humble abode?"
Felix shuffled inside and draped himself over Changbin's shoulders. "I missed you."
Changbin snorted, but couldn't hide his pleased smile.
"I'm working right now," Changbin said. Felix glanced at his open laptop without interest.
"I'll be quiet," Felix said, releasing Changbin and climbing into his bed instead.
"I won't be," Changbin said.
"That's fine," said Felix.
He watched Changbin work for a while, trying to memorize his face, the sound of his voice. He loved the way Changbin would keep glancing over at him with a funny lyric or just a silly face, even as he felt bad for distracting him. He loved Changbin. The thought brought tears to his eyes, but he took a deep breath and didn't let them fall.
Eventually he fell asleep.
-
Day three. The thought smashed itself into his consciousness and wouldn't let him squirm away. He felt the tears squeeze past his eyelids before he'd even opened them.
Changbin was deeply asleep next to him, snoring quietly. Felix sniffed and wiped his tears, watching Changbin sleep for a moment before impulsively kissing his temple. Changbin didn't stir. As quietly as he could, Felix crept out of bed and left the room, closing the door carefully behind him. He did the same with the front door and stepped out onto the sidewalk, shivering in the morning chill.
He started walking towards his dorm, then stopped and headed to the park instead. He liked to put on music and walk there when he had too much on his mind. He definitely had too much on his mind now, but he'd left his earpods in his room. He walked anyway, listening to the birds chirping, the wind whistling softly through the trees. He stopped to smell the flowers as he passed by them, smiled at the dogs on their early morning walks and even got to pet a few of them.
When he got tired he sat on a bench and watched the people walking and running through the park. He wondered what their lives were like; were they happy? Had they found the things they liked to do, the people they wanted to be with? If they had only one night left to live, who would they spend it with?
Eyes blurry, he stared down at his phone. The thought of calling his mom was still too much to bear, so he called his sisters instead. Somehow he managed to sound normal enough, let them talk about their lives, answered their questions about his. It felt normal, almost, though the feeling in his heart was anything but.
He called his mom last.
-
When he was finished crying in the park, Felix went back to the other dorm and knocked on Chan's door. It was technically still a day off for them, so it was a fifty/fifty chance if Chan was working in his room or working in his studio.
Felix was almost ready to give up and trek to the studio when Chan opened the door, headphones around his neck.
"Oh, Felix! I almost didn't hear- are you okay?"
Felix tried to sniff the tears back, but one look at Chan's face and he was bawling like a baby. Chan immediately pulled him into a hug, closing the door behind him and walking him a few steps into the room. Felix clung to Chan, hands clutching the back of his shirt and face pressed into his shoulder, probably getting tears and snot all over him.
Chan just held him through it, rubbing his back and murmuring gentle nonsense into his hair.
Eventually Felix cried himself out, but didn't let go of Chan. Chan was rocking them gently from side to side, and the motion soothed him. When he was down to just occasional hiccupping sobs, Chan pulled back enough to look at him and wiped the tears from Felix's cheeks with his thumb.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
Felix shook his head.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Chan asked.
Sniffling, Felix nodded.
Still looking worried, Chan searched Felix's face with his eyes. Felix, never one to shy away from eye contact, found himself looking down, unable to bear the concern in Chan's gaze. Even if he could tell him why he was upset- would he? As much as he hated to lie, even by omission, he felt this was one burden too many to give to Chan, who already carried the weight of their world on his shoulders.
"Thank you," Felix said instead. "This helped."
"Okay," Chan said, sounding unconvinced. "But you'll talk to me when you're ready, promise?"
Smiling weakly, Felix nodded and hugged him again. "Promise."
-
This is it, Felix thought numbly, standing outside Chan's door. The last night of my life.
He tried to approach the thought calmly, as if it didn't matter, but his eyes started burning again. He took several deep breaths and diverted his thoughts onto a more useful track. Hyunjin's voice came to him then; "If the world was ending in three days, what would you do?"
"I'd take a trip with you and the members," he'd said.
There was so much of the world, so much of Korea that he hadn't seen yet. But somehow that didn't matter now. The things he hadn't done, the places he hadn't seen, the experiences he'd never get to have; someone else would do those things for him. Some other boy or girl would eat the food he hadn't eaten, kiss the people he hadn't kissed.
If he closed his eyes and let everything go, and really listened, there was only one place left his heart wanted to go.
He let his feet take the short walk across the apartment, quiet in his socks. He knocked gently on the door, as if he secretly didn't want them to answer. But his voice betrayed him; "Hyunjin?"
"Come in."
Felix entered and leaned back against the door after he'd closed it. His heart beat too fast, like a rabbit's. He felt like a rabbit; small, scared. Easily devoured.
Hyunjin was painting in the middle of the room, his hands and shirt stained with stray streaks of color. He looked up at Felix and smiled, his eyes so soft Felix wanted to cry again.
But this time he held it back.
"Don't let me interrupt you," Felix said. "Can I watch?"
"Sure." Hyunjin turned back to his canvas, then suddenly whipped around again. "Were you crying?"
Felix rubbed at his face, embarrassed. He should have checked himself in the bathroom, splashed water on his face or something. Though that wouldn't have helped the swelling. "No," he said.
Hyunjin squinted at him, brow furrowed, but Felix dove onto his bed and pulled the pillow over his face. "Don't look at mee," he wailed, only half joking.
The pillow smelled like Hyunjin. He breathed it in greedily, closing his eyes and trying to calm himself down.
Act normal.
Never an easy task around Hyunjin. But considering today was the last day he'd have to try, he felt he'd done a pretty good job so far. In fact he was proud of himself. He'd always struggled to be satisfied with anything he'd done, always knew that he could have done better if only he'd tried a little harder. But if all of that was over, and there was nowhere higher to go... Really, he hadn't done so bad. At least he hadn't catastrophically embarrassed or damaged the group, and none of them hated him...
Eventually he pulled the pillow down off his face and hugged it, watching Hyunjin paint. He envied Hyunjin's focus. Not that Felix didn't have focus, but Hyunjin had so much passion for art. Watching him lose himself in the brush strokes, or in dancing, was like watching some sort of miracle of nature, like a flower blooming or a waterfall cascading down a cliffside. Getting to see him like this, in his element, was a blessing Felix never took for granted.
When Hyunjin was done painting, and had washed the paint off his hands and changed into his pajamas, he came and sat next to Felix.
"Are you sleeping here with me again?" he asked.
"Is that okay?" Felix asked.
Hyunjin smiled. "Yes." He reached out to stroke Felix's hair; Felix closed his eyes. "Why were you crying?"
"I wasn't."
"You're lying."
Felix opened his eyes. Hyunjin's expression was soft, open. Felix reached for his hand and squeezed it. "I love you."
Hyunjin laughed. "You're dodging the question! But I love you, too." He gave Felix a little shove and climbed into bed next to him. "Fine, keep your secrets," he said.
Felix barked out a surprised laugh. Had Hyunjin seen Lord of the Rings? Usually Felix was the one spouting movie quotes.
They lay facing each other in silence for a while, but it wasn't a bad silence. One of them had tangled their fingers together; Felix wasn't sure who. He'd been afraid he'd cry again, seeing Hyunjin like this. But looking into his eyes, gazing upon his dear face, Felix was filled with such love that he could only smile.
Hyunjin smiled back at him, giggling. "What?"
"Nothing," Felix said. "I just love you."
Hyunjin laughed and gave Felix's forehead a little push with their combined fingers. "You're weird."
"I know."
Hyunjin's smile crinkled his eyes. "I like that about you."
Blushing, Felix averted his eyes. "You do?"
"Yep." Hyunjin tapped his nose softly. "I like everything about you."
Felix closed his eyes, opened them. Felt the world moving through him; felt his time running short. Felt love, so much love he didn't know what to do with it, could never hope to contain it.
But he looked at Hyunjin, and he thought about how Hyunjin would feel tomorrow. He knew even staying with him tonight like this was selfish; how could he let Hyunjin be the one to find him in the morning? But he didn't have the strength to stay away. He couldn't bear to be alone, not tonight, even if it meant hurting someone he loved.
This would be his last selfish act.
Though a part of him desperately wanted to let Hyunjin know how he really felt; and a part of him desperately wanted to feel Hyunjin's lips against his own, just once, just once; he settled for kissing Hyunjin's cheek, and hugging him, and falling asleep, at last, in his arms.
-
Death smiled and gestured at the two boys asleep in the bed. "Well? Are you happy?"
Love crossed their arms.
"Oh, come on," Death said. "I gave you exactly what you asked for. I didn't have to do that! I could have let him die in the middle of practice, or alone in his bed. I could have let him die on the toilet!"
Love looked at the two boys, sleeping peacefully, so innocent and so young. Too young to die like this, with no warning, and by no fault of their own...
"But I did warn him," Death said. "And only one of them is dying. It's not my fault if he decided to spend his last days crying and unfulfilled."
Love glared at Death. Death threw his hands in the air and walked away, only to stomp back and fold his own arms in a glare. Love didn't back down. Death deflated.
"Fine. But only because they're so fucking cute I could puke. I'll give them one last chance- and this is only a slim chance, mind you- if they're very fast, maybe they can save him. Okay? Have I bent the strands of fate enough for you now?"
Smiling, Love kissed Death on the cheek and disappeared. Sighing, Death stared down at the bed. "Y'all better figure your shit out," he said. But he was faintly pink when he, too, disappeared.