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Ryujin is tired.
It's something she ought to get used to, and she will, but a large part of her still wallows and sulks. It's times like these that she regrets ever deciding to become a doctor and being stubborn enough to see it to the end. It's not a regret that's strong enough to make her stop, but it's enough to make her question, and she doesn't like how uncertain and vulnerable it makes her feel.
Sighing, she steps in their building elevator, hitting their floor number and closing her eyes. She feels her stomach lurch, then she’s weightless for a moment right until she crashes back onto earth. The elevator dings and she steps out, eager to change her clothes and finally lie down on her bed. Well, their bed. Hers and Jisu’s.
God, she can’t wait to rest her head on the softest pillows on the planet and be under the warmest blankets in the universe. Everything in their apartment is handpicked by Jisu, the pickiest person she has ever met. This is the first time Ryujin actually felt thankful for that.
She faces their front door and punches in the password. Immediately upon opening the door, she is greeted by the smell of kimchi, and the sound of a 5 Seconds of Summer record playing by the kitchen accompanied by the sizzle of a pan.
“Ryujin? That you?”
“Yeah,” Ryujin answers, setting down her bag by the door and toeing off her shoes. She wanders into the kitchen, and is greeted by a picture she promises to remember for a very long time.
Jisu is behind the stove, an apron hugging her waist and her hair gathered in a messy bun. (Her mind registers this as a fire hazard. It’s a good thing she insisted to get an induction stove.) The smell of Jisu’s favorite kimchi fried rice is potent, and it makes Ryujin’s mouth water. She didn’t have the time to feel hungry back at the hospital, and things were hectic since she’s assigned to the ER. The turntable is playing one of Jisu’s favorite records, and the lights are set low, a candle lit at the middle of their dining table.
Ryujin gapes for a second. “What’re you doing?”
“Cooking, Ryujin. I’m cooking. Is it that hard to believe?” Jisu teases, turning off the stove and setting their food on a plate. “I didn’t burn our home down, if that’s what you’re worried about. I would’ve called you if I did.”
Warmth blooms in Ryujin’s chest at her words. Our home. This place is their home, with the induction stove and dress designs taped to the wall, filled to the brim with everything that makes Ryujin so happy. This place is theirs, and Jisu is her wife. She feels a smile stretch her cheeks.
“So, what do you have for me today, chef?” Ryujin asks, walking over to the counter to help Jisu carry their plates. She spots kimchi fried rice and sunny-side up eggs, basically the only dishes that Jisu can cook without incapacitating the whole kitchen.
“The finest food my hands can offer you,” Jisu jokes. They carry their plates over to the dining table together. Ryujin’s eyes are trained on Jisu the whole way.
Once they’re settled with the food in front of them, Ryujin asks, “Seriously, why did you do this?”
Jisu meets her eyes and chuckles, as if she said something silly. There’s a fond look in her eyes. “Why shouldn’t I? You just finished your first shift as a resident! That’s a cause for a celebration, you know.”
Ryujin smiles, but even she knows it probably doesn’t look convincing. “I’m not so sure about that.”
“Oh? Did something happen?” Jisu asks, hands reflexively reaching out to hold Ryujin’s. “You can tell me if you want.”
Ryujin holds her back, tighter. “Nothing special. They probably go through it everyday, you know? Someone from the ER didn’t make it. The family cursed at us for an eternity. Someone else comes in, we save them, but they insist to leave early because they don’t want to pay the bills. Just…. sucky stuff.” Ryujin meets Jisu’s eyes, clouded in worry and concern. “Sorry. For ruining the mood.”
Jisu shakes her head in disagreement. “You didn’t ruin anything, okay?” She stops talking, waiting for a response, and Ryujin nods. “This is only a happy celebration if you want it to be. I’m only happy if you’re happy. If you’re not, then that’s okay too. Then this can be sad celebration. Anything’s great for me.”
Ryujin laughs, squeezing Jisu’s hands. “Thank you. I mean that. Let’s eat before the food gets cold, yeah? It’s a miracle this even exists before me.”
Jisu rolls her eyes at the jab, and takes back her hands to eat the food properly. The rice is okay and the eggs leave so much to be desired, but to Ryujin she’s pretty sure she hasn’t eaten anything more delicious. She eats her fill, glancing at Jisu every now and then, the pair laughing whenever their eyes meet. Ryujin feels lighter every time they do.
“You know, while I do kind of understand why you’re sad,” Jisu says, making Ryujin look up at her, “I really want you to know you’re doing great. You did what you have to do, what you can do, and there’s only so much, you know? We can’t decide what others feel, or how they’ll react, but it’s your job to make sure they’ll still have that choice, right? As much as you can. I don’t want you to think it’s your fault, because you’ll be doing this for a long time, and thinking like that won’t bring you anywhere good.”
Ryujin stares at Jisu, entranced, then the block of ice in her chest cracks.
“How do you do that?”
Jisu raises an eyebrow. “Do what?”
“Always know what I need. Always say the right thing,” she lists off, her voice unsteady.
“I don’t,” Jisu laughs. “Just now, I had no idea what was going on. You looked like someone kicked your puppy.”
“No, you do. I know you do,” Ryujin insists. Jisu’s gaze softens.
“Maybe I just say the right thing for you.”
It’s then that Ryujin’s lungs inflate with an onrush of, well, Jisu. She breathes in deep and holds it there, wishing she can fill up every nook and cranny of her being with it. The entire time, she’s been so desperate to get away. She wanted to hide behind her covers, hole herself up in their apartment. She’s been alone for more of her life than she wasn’t, so she’s used to the idea of solving her own problems and forgetting everyone around her.
What she hadn’t realized is that she wanted to hide behind her covers, because she knows Jisu will be right beside her. She wanted to hole herself up in their apartment because it’s theirs, and she knows that she’ll find Jisu in any direction she looks at. It’s Jisu. She's right. Of course Jisu always knows the right things to say, because the right thing for Ryujin, more often than not, is what Jisu has to say.
“I love you,” Ryujin blurts out and Jisu looks at her confusedly, right before breaking into a huge grin.
“I love you too, you dork.”
Ryujin is tired. But there is an ease in her bones now that she knows will never go away.
“Tonight, I’ve learned a new lesson –
I love you, and that means
we are going to eat well.”
Nathaniel Orion G. K.