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It was dark in the club, and Liam was acutely aware of the condensation from his glass dripping down his arm. Whether it was the booze keeping him from caring, or the scene he couldn’t take his eyes off of, it didn’t really matter. Liam had forgotten about it the second he had realized it.
“Doin’ alright?” Niall had to lean into his space to ask the question, voice straining over the loud music. Liam’s eyes flickered to his face for only an instant.
“Sure, why?” he shouted back.
The thump thump of the bass pulsed through Liam for a moment, and he thought maybe Niall hadn’t heard him. But when he turned his head to check, he found that Niall was giving him a look. Liam swallowed.
“I’m fine,” he asserted. “It’s none of my business.”
Turning back to look straight ahead, Liam found Zayn now even closer to the girl than he had been before, and well. It was getting harder to pretend that he really was fine. The thing was, this was all Liam’s fault.
Four months ago, just at the end of their last tour and the beginning of a much needed break, Liam had told Zayn that they should spend their time apart. ( “We’ve been together every day for months,” he’d said. “Don’t you think we could use some alone time?” ) He hadn’t necessarily meant that they just cut things off entirely, but at the same time, he didn’t quite blame Zayn for ignoring his texts and calls. Liam figured that it was just postponing the inevitable; there was no world in which Zayn Malik ended up with someone like him. And Liam knew – he knew that if they had tried to keep things going during break and Zayn got bored of him away from the fast-pace of touring he would be absolutely devastated. It was easier to ruin it himself before it got any further. At the time, Zayn had seemed upset with Liam, but it was clear now that he had gotten over it.
If he hadn’t moved on, anyway, why would Zayn be in the corner of the club with this girl – someone Liam was fairly certain Zayn’d been with before – practically draped in his lap, whispering in her ear?
“Yeah…okay.” Niall’s voice snapped him back to the present. “You’re fine, and I’m Bruce Springsteen.”
Liam was willing to take full responsibility for everything except for one thing: ending up in this stupid club, having this stupid conversation, and watching this stupid interaction take place. This was all Louis’ idea. Louis had requested – no, insisted that they come out tonight and celebrate the start of a new season together as a band. Harry had agreed because Harry never said no to Louis. Niall was an easy yes because there was alcohol involved. Zayn had hesitated, his eyes fixated on Liam. But once Liam had voiced his assent, he had quietly agreed as well. Now, here they were.
“Mate – ,” Liam started to reply, but just as he opened his mouth, the girl he’d been watching was standing up. And so was Zayn. Liam held his breath as the pair started to head towards the back entrance hand in hand. Zayn stopped for a moment to say something to Louis – Liam tried not to imagine what it was – before they disappeared out the door.
Niall whistled low in his ear. “Sorry, Liam.”
“It’s fine ,” Liam snapped, turning back to face Niall. “I did this, remember? It was my idea.”
His friend regarded him for a moment, eyes flickering over Liam’s face in a way that made him uncomfortable even in this dim lighting. “Keep tellin’ yourself that. I’m gettin’ another drink.”
And then Niall was gone, too.
–
Liam was about to close his eyes when there was a knock on his door.
It wasn’t surprising. In fact, Liam was more surprised that it took this long; he had locked himself away last night after returning from the club, and nobody had come looking for him all day. At this point Liam figured he probably owed them at least a wellness check, although he wasn’t quite ready to talk yet. With a sigh, he rolled out of bed and padded to the door. He hoped they’d sent Harry or Niall. He wasn’t quite prepared for Louis’ form of consolation, which usually consisted of tweaking Liam’s nipples and telling him they should go out and get pissed. Liam couldn’t go through with another night out.
That’s why when he opened the door he was shocked to find not Harry or Niall, and not even Louis, but Zayn himself. In his hands, he held a stack of what looked like letters. But what really caught Liam’s attention were his eyes; they were rimmed with red in a way that suggested Zayn had been crying.
“Zayn — ,” Liam started, and paused. The entirety of the English language had left his brain. Although, it didn’t seem to matter, because Zayn spoke up before he could.
“Eighty-two letters,” Zayn said. His voice was small, but it was even, as he shoved the envelopes into Liam’s hand. Liam was frozen. “All addressed to you. I never sent them, Liam, but this is what I spent my break doing. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but I was scared. You didn’t want to see me over break and I didn’t know what that meant. I was scared to tell you the truth and get my heart broken. But I spent the entire time missing you, and wanting you, and I know it doesn’t matter now, after what I’ve done. But I just thought you should know.”
Liam glanced down at the packet of letters that were now in his grip. He had hardly processed taking them from Zayn in the first place, but now they had his full attention. He resisted the urge to rip them all open right then and read every word.
“Anyway.” Liam’s eyes snapped back up to Zayn’s. “I’ll go. I just wanted you to know.”
Zayn turned around then, about to walk away, and it all hit Liam like a freight train.
“Zayn,” he said again, this time reaching out to take a hold of Zayn’s elbow so that he couldn’t walk away. Zayn turned to look at him, eyes wide. Liam had the faint thought that perhaps Zayn was scared of what Liam might say. “What you did last night… it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Zayn replied, seeming bewildered. His eyes were teary and Liam couldn’t stand it. “It’s too much to forgive.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” Liam told him, a shrug on one shoulder. “Because I forgive you.”
“You can’t,” Zayn argued. His eyes were wide. “It’s unforgivable.”
“But I just did, so you’re going to have to just deal with it,” Liam said simply, the right side of his mouth rising slightly in a half-smile. “I’m the guy for you, Zayn Malik. And I know that I hurt you when I said we should spend break apart from each other, but —“
“I love you.” Zayn had cut him off with those three words that had probably been floating between them for a while now. Liam just hadn’t been ready to admit it.
Liam felt tears pricking his own eyes as he said back, “I love you too.”
He dropped Zayn’s arm in favor of placing his hand softly on his cheek, leaning in to kiss him for the first time in far too long. If Liam was being honest, he spent his break the same way as Zayn did: missing him, wanting him. He regretted his own decision to take time apart from the day he’d made it.
“I missed you every day,” he whispered against Zayn’s lips. “I was scared, too. That’s why I said we should be apart. I was so worried that you were going to get bored of me over break that I pushed you away. And I’m sorry for that.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Zayn told him. “I thought you didn’t want to be with me, so I was trying to move on. But then you disappeared today, and… I was angry that you didn’t even care.”
“I cared,” Liam admitted quietly. “But it was my fault.”
“Both our fault, maybe.” Zayn offered him a small smile.
“Maybe. But I really do think — “
“That you’re the guy for me?” Zayn interrupted him, a teasing smirk on his face. He reached for Liam’s hand. “I think so, too. And I think I’m the guy for you.”
Liam huffed, but tangled his fingers with Zayn’s nevertheless. “You’d better be.”
Stepping back, Liam pulled Zayn into his room and nudged the door shut with his foot. Before Liam could turn to walk towards the bed, Zayn pulled him back in for another kiss.
“Sorry,” Zayn said upon pulling back. “I really missed doing that.”
Liam grinned. “We’re never spending four months apart again.”
“Deal.”
Glancing down at the letters that he still held in his hand, Liam bit his lip. “Should I – I mean. Can I read them now? Or would you rather I wait?”
Zayn’s eyes widened and Liam could see a flash of apprehension cross them. “Maybe later is better.”
Liam nodded and placed the packet onto his bedside table before tugging Zayn towards the bed. Thankfully, Zayn followed him, and they tumbled into Liam’s bed together in a tangle of limbs. It was easy to fall back into old habits; Zayn tossed his t-shirt onto the floor and Liam opened his arms for him to curl into. Just like they used to. Liam felt impossibly warm from the inside out, and that had nothing to do with the plush hotel comforter that was covering them. Zayn was smiling up at him the way that Liam loved, with his tongue poking out from between his teeth. Liam couldn’t help but take a second to wonder how on earth he ever thought he could go the rest of his life without more of this.
“Missed that smile,” Liam told him.
“It’s for you,” Zayn replied.
“We should probably get some sleep.” Liam smiled back at him. “Stay with me?”
Zayn nodded, burrowing his nose into Liam’s neck. “I’ll bring my stuff over here in the morning.”
“Good.” He paused. “I love you, Zayn.”
“I love you too, Liam.”