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Neil Perry wasn't gay. Sure, sometimes he got a little... curious... and there was that one kiss with Charlie Dalton last year... but c'mon! It was a fucking dare, okay? And in his defense, he may have been more than a little drunk on booze that Charlie hijacked from who-fucking-knows-where. And sure, he might've liked it a little bit... but he wasn't fucking queer. He just wasn't! He'd never thought about a boy like that and never again after. That is, until his junior year of Hellton when he had to get a fucking new roommate. It's not that he didn't want a new roommate, per se, it's just... he didn't expect him to be so damn cute, you know? How is he supposed to focus on anything when his roommate is so fucking distracting?
Alright, so maybe Neil is a teeny-tiny bit gay for Todd Anderson. He didn't always know it, though. He couldn't quite put his finger on the exact moment he fell head-over-heels for his new roommate, but God, everyone else could. Anyone who could see Neil's face when Todd pulled that abso-fucking-lutely beautiful poem out of damn-near nowhere could tell that he was completely smitten. If Todd would just pull his head out of his ass for two seconds, he might've realized it, too. But, of course, both boys were completely oblivious to their own feelings, and not one of their friends had the guts to just fucking tell them.
Their English teacher, Mr. Keating, was the fist to realize this little love-connection between the two boys, but he figured it wasn't really his place to say, so he kept quiet. Well, he didn't say anything directly. He just kept going on about poets that had been in hidden same-sex relationships and how the best poetry came from those who'd be outcasts or victims of oppression. Basically any and all the bullshit he could pull out of his ass to make the boys feel comfortable and accepted. Neither of the star-crossed lovers caught on, but all of the other boys did (except for Cameron, but let's face it, everyone was better off that way). Dead Poets Society meetings started to include quite a bit more Dickinson than they had before, but the two roommates were not the wiser.
They decided their approach to knocking some sense into these boys had to be a bit more upfront. Charlie started to ask some borderline intrusive questions when no one but him, Neil, and Todd where around.
"Do you remember that night?" Charlie asked.
"You're going to have to be a bit more specific, pal," Neil replied.
"You know, you, me, a bottle of tequila-"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Dalton, and if I did, I would not want to talk about it."
"Aw, you do remember!"
"Come off it, okay? It was nothing."
"Neil, darling, I'm hurt!"
"Oh, don't start."
"Fine. I should get back anyway. Wouldn't want Cameron to fink on me for being 5 minutes late for curfew," he resigned, knowing he'd sparked quite a bit of curiosity in Todd. Mission accomplished.
After far too much silence, Todd finally spoke up.
"Neil?"
"Please don't, Todd."
"Okay."
More silence.
"But Neil..."
"God damn it, Anderson. Do you not know the meaning of the word 'no'?"
"Maybe not... I guess we have that in common." Neil couldn't help but laugh at that. It was just too damn true. Other than Neil's muffled giggle, there was no reply.
"Did you fuck Nuwanda?" Todd asked in a small voice. Neil was absolutely shocked that the shy boy-next-door would jump to a conclusion so depraved.
"NO! I didn't fuck Nuwanda! Why would you even... how could you even think something like that?"
"Right, right, yeah. I don't know what I was thinking."
"Me neither, man!"
"Of course you didn't fuck Charlie."
"Thank you!"
"Yeah. 'Cause he'd totally be on top."
"That's it, you fucker," Neil announced before tackling Todd on his bed. Todd turned them both over and pinned Neil's arms over his head.
"Told you, you're a bottom," Todd declared, laughing. Neil couldn't help but laugh too. Todd didn't move from his position. "Tell me what happened with Charlie."
"We kissed." Todd didn't reply, he just laid down right next to Neil. They had to be close because of the size of the bed, but it wasn't uncomfortable. No, it wasn't uncomfortable at all.
"Did you... was it... did you like kissing him?" Todd finally asked.
"Yes! Okay? I really, really liked it."
"Oh," was all Todd could say in reply.
"Oh?"
"Just... oh."
"You're disgusted, aren't you?"
"No, not... not at all."
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"Now you've got me doing it!" It was remarkable how, even in this awkward situation in this tiny little bed, Todd and Neil still found comfort in one another. They were still laughing together despite everything, Neil's head thrown back, Todd's temple resting against his chest. Maybe this was the moment Neil realized he was in love.
***
The boys woke up to the sound of bagpipes, the same as any other day since the beginning of the school year, yet today something was different. Neil's arm was wrapped around Todd's body and Todd's hand was resting on Neil's chest. Neil quickly got out of bed once the events of the night before came back to him. They changed out of their pajamas and into their uniforms in silence, and no one checked out anyone's ass. Okay, maybe a little.
When Neil finally made eye-contact with Todd, it was just to give him a look that said "we are so not talking about this." Todd just nodded.
When the boys got down to the dining hall, things were mostly back to normal, except that Neil refused to say a word to Charlie. Charlie didn't mind. After all, he knew that meant something must've finally happened between them.
The day went by without much excitement, as most days at Welton tended to go. Finally they got around to English class where Mr. Keating spoke about poems that use extended metaphors. He read aloud some John Donne poem about a compass and assigned the class to write a poem using an extended metaphor to share in front of the class. Todd, as if it needs saying, was not excited. Neil wasn't really all that thrilled either. He just wasn't as good at writing as Todd was.
Neil went back to his room and worked for hours perfecting his poem to read the next day. When the night fell, he finally finished the poem and brought it to Todd to proofread. After all, Todd was the best poet Neil knew, and he wasn't about to make a fool out of himself in front of the entire class.
"'He is the Sea' by Neil Perry," Todd read aloud before skimming the poem Neil shoved into his hands. When he finished, he said, "this is real impressive, Neil."
"I'm a little worried about reading it in front of the class," Neil admitted. "You know, 'cause of the... er... pronouns?"
"Well, you could always change 'he' to 'you.' That way it could be about anyone," Todd offered.
"Oh, that's brilliant!" Neil said, crossing out all of the "he's" and replacing them with "you's."
"Right, now read it like that.
"Oh... um..."
"C'mon, it's just like acting!"
"Well I don't write my own lines!"
"You'll do great." Neil finally gave in and began to read.
"You are the sea, unyielding and free, while I am the land, confined." He looked up.
"Go on," Todd urged, listening intently.
"I cannot move, else the earth would quake and devastate everything in its wake," Neil continued and Todd nodded him on. "But you are unfazed and you move and you wave, undaunted by rules or by time." As he read, Neil became hyper-aware of Todd's intimidating proximity.
"Hmm," was all Todd said. Neil went on:
"You are the waves that kiss the shore, but just will not sit still. I've never been able to catch you; perhaps I never will." As Neil focused on his reading, he felt a light kiss of the side of his neck. "Todd-"
"Keep reading," Todd insisted before kissing his roommate's neck once again. Neil was breathing heavier then, but still he continued:
"You are the seas and I am the land, you are the water and I am the sand. I love you in a way that I don't understand, I can feel you but still I can't hold you in my hand." Todd was practically making out with Neil's neck at this point. It was fucking obscene but, shit, it felt so good. Neil was practically panting as he finished, "the sea touches the shore but it still doesn't stick. You are the water and I-" Neil shutters, then turns to meet Todd's gaze, "I am seasick."
And damn it all to hell, they kissed.