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Time had little meaning in the afterlife, but Sha Wu Sheng still felt a sense of calm at night, or what resembled it in his patch of paradise. The building he resided in was a curious cross between an inn and a dojo, with tables inside the main hall for guest seating and bedrooms on the second floor, but also a practice courtyard adjacent to it outfitted with weapons of all kinds for training. It was a synthesis of the place he had called home while growing up and the establishments that he had taken shelter in as a traveling swordsman in his adult years, blending older nostalgia and the familiarity of more recent years.
The place seemed to cater to his every whim: food appeared when he wished for it, and his blades never needed sharpening or polishing. More often than not, he would find himself seated at the table nestled in the garden at the back of the building, drinking beneath the moonlight.
Though there was no real hurry because he had infinite time, he still felt himself growing impatient every once in a while as he waited for Lue Feng Qie Chen to come find him as promised. It was this anticipation that led him to call out Lue’s name reflexively when an unexpected visitor approached his table in the garden one day.
It didn't take long for him to register that the person nearing him wasn't Lue. The stranger had long, straight, midnight-hued hair with a blue-violet sheen, like fine tempered steel. His dark locks contrasted with the richly embroidered white-gold ceremonial robes he wore that readily identified him as a Seal Guardian, and the patterned hem of his sleeves reminded Wu Sheng of the edges of a butterfly's wings. When the strange man reached the table where Wu Sheng sat, he swept into a deep bow. "I am honored to meet you again, Wu Sheng-xiong."
His polite greeting was colored by a note of familiarity that caught Wu Sheng off guard. He could not remember the last time anyone besides Lue had called him Wu Sheng rather than the Sword Demon or the Screaming Phoenix Killer, or his full name, Sha Wu Sheng, the Destroyer of Life.
"Pardon me, but who are you? Where have we met before?"
The stranger straightened and smiled. Though his countenance had a refined air to it, it bore none of the guile that Wu Sheng was used to seeing in Lue's face. Instead, it seemed to radiate a gentle good humor. Something about him seemed vaguely familiar to Wu Sheng, but he couldn't place it exactly. Thankfully, his visitor answered his question soon enough.
"It has been quite some time since we last saw each other, so I don't blame you for not recognizing me. I am Dan Heng, oldest son of the last generation of the Dan Clan. I believe the last time we saw each other was almost fifteen years ago as measured by the passage of time in the Mortal Realm."
All of a sudden Wu Sheng remembered him. It really had been a long time ago, back when he was still training under his former master, Tie Di Xian. The head of the Dan Clan at the time, Dan Heng's father, had been one of Tie Di Xian's acquaintances and paid the occasional visit to the dojo with his Seal Guardian in-training son in tow. The last time they had visited, Dan Heng had been maybe thirteen or fourteen years old, just on the cusp of puberty, still gangly and awkward as boys of that age tended to be. Despite being close in age, the two of them barely talked or interacted much outside of the social niceties their respective fathers had required of them. Wu Sheng had never been good at socializing with people his own age, and the other boy, on his part, seemed inclined to hide behind his father's back as well.
Since then, Dan Heng had clearly grown into himself, standing tall with a proud bearing befitting his regal attire. Looping chains of gold encrusted with emeralds wrapped across his forehead like a crown. No longer a waifish boy, he looked every bit a prince.
Wu Sheng didn't realize he was staring until Dan Heng cleared his throat lightly and asked if he could sit. Remembering his manners, Wu Sheng gestured for his guest to take the bench opposite him at the table.
As soon as Dan Heng settled onto the bench, a red candle cradled in a bronze holder appeared on the table. The flame flickered and winked as if welcoming the newcomer. Except for the moonlight, the only other light came from the red paper lanterns hanging from the eaves of the roofed overhang at Wu Sheng's back. The result was a warm glow illuminating Dan Heng's face while silver light gilded his figure from above and behind.
Wu Sheng conjured a second cup of plain white porcelain that matched his own and poured some wine into it from the flask that he had been drinking from. When he offered the cup to Dan Heng, he half expected his guest to decline, but the Seal Guardian accepted with a graceful bow of his head. Dan Heng held the cup with both hands as etiquette dictated, drank from it, and then set it down on the table as gently and quietly as possible.
"You must be wondering why I'm here." After Wu Sheng nodded, he continued. "The truth is, I had always wondered what happened to you after I stopped visiting your dojo. I never got to talk to you properly the few times we met because I was too shy, but I admired you from a distance.
"When I observed your training sessions on the sidelines, it was obvious that you were skilled at and passionate about the sword arts. You seemed persistent and immune to distractions. It was like you were in your own little world where no one else could intrude. I hoped to be even a fraction as competent as you were so I could live up to the Seal Guardian name and legacy."
Though Dan Heng had no reason to lie, Wu Sheng still found his words a bit difficult to believe at first because of how foreign they were to his experiences. During his years at Tie Di Xian's dojo, he had borne the resentment of his peers, who at best held him at arm’s length and at worst viewed him with bitter jealousy, though over what he could not fathom. Given his distant and, frankly, strained relationship with Tie Di Xian, he had received no special treatment from the master of the dojo, no matter how well he excelled in his training. Yet the few peers who had asked him for pointers in swordsmanship quickly turned on him, mocking and gossiping about him and his birth story alongside the other disciples when they thought he wasn't listening.
With this new revelation, Wu Sheng wondered how the trajectory of his life might have diverged if Dan Heng had taken the initiative to befriend him back then. What would it have been like to receive unconditional attention and interest motivated by genuine feelings of admiration and respect, rather than the desire to exploit him? He didn't voice these questions aloud, though, and let the other man continue his story.
"Some years after the last time I visited your dojo, my parents passed away while carrying out their duty as Seal Guardians. I prematurely became the head of the Dan clan and also a surrogate parent to my younger sister who was still quite young at the time. I wanted to see you again, but I was too occupied with my various responsibilities to pay another visit to your dojo, and by that time you had already cut off ties with Tie Di Xian, so I didn't know where I might find you.
"Later when you gained notoriety as an assassin and your name started to circulate with the epithet of Sword Demon, I wondered what had happened to the boy I knew that he would become a cold-blooded killer. I had trouble reconciling that image with the diligent boy I had looked up to in my youth."
At this point, Sha Wu Sheng finally interjected, "My name does mean Destroyer of Life, after all." He was being strangely defensive considering how much he resented his own name. He knew his misdeeds were a choice he had made that he had to take responsibility for. But he still felt on some level that his name had played a part in driving him down a path of darkness.
The Seal Guardian surprised him by pushing back. "But that name wasn't your choice, it was your birth father's doing. When I heard about the circumstances of your birth through my father, who heard the story from Tie Di Xian, I remember thinking how cruel it was to give an innocent baby such a name. What baffled me even more though, was why Tie Di Xian, as your adoptive father, never took it upon himself to rename you. It felt like an implicit endorsement of your birth father's view of you."
Truth be told, this question had never occurred to Wu Sheng before. He had always taken his name for granted. It was upsetting to consider that in spite of everything, he had internalized the narrative that his birth father had projected onto him without even consciously realizing it.
"In the end, I became a killer, and then I was killed. It's all over and done with. It can't be reversed, so does it really matter why?" Wu Sheng poured himself another cup of wine and gulped it down in a fit of frustration. He hated how much his past still haunted him even now in death.
"Of course it matters."
Wu Sheng could barely look Dan Heng in the eyes. The kindness he found there felt unbearable. Though it had taken him a while to notice it and admit it to himself, he was afraid. Afraid of the other man's judgment, of his disappointment when he learned how Wu Sheng had walked onto a demonic path of his own making with his eyes wide open. He wanted to end the conversation right then and there and cast the Seal Guardian out of his enclave before he pried out all of Wu Sheng's heart's laments and his shameful history.
The question slipped out anyway. "But why?" He never could stop asking questions, even when he dreaded the answers.
The Seal Guardian closed his eyes for a moment, as if contemplating the best way to answer. When he opened them again, his gaze was gentle but firm. "Because I have never believed that you were born evil. It may hurt to be told that it was not inevitable that you chose wrong, but the other side to that statement is that you can choose right as well. At any moment, any juncture in your life, you can choose. It's never too late."
Wu Sheng couldn't help but laugh bitterly. "I don't think you understand the situation. I tried to step onto the path toward redemption but was played for a fool by the person who suggested I try and subsequently driven to a life sustained by revenge and spite instead. I never even got the revenge I sought and was played for a fool a second time right up until the moment I died. I'm dead. We're both dead. Nothing I do now even matters anymore." He downed yet another cup of wine with one hand, and his hand dropped back down to the table with a hard thunk.
"Do you really believe that?” Dan Heng asked. “Have you ever tried reaching out to others in this afterlife? If I'm not mistaken, I'm the first person you've talked to since arriving here."
The Seal Guardian was entirely correct. Although Wu Sheng understood intuitively that he could leave his part of this world if he wanted, he had never attempted to set foot outside it. He was afraid of who he might encounter, what feelings he might be forced to confront. Perhaps it was cowardly of him, but he couldn't help but want to protect his heart that had been hurt so many times already.
"Maybe I could try, but I shouldn't inflict my presence on others," Wu Sheng said. His throat felt taut as a drawn bowstring. "I can't imagine anyone would feel good about seeing the Sword Demon in this realm. They would think they are in hell. There's simply no way anyone would believe I've come to make amends." He stared sullenly at the empty cup in his hand, rotating it between his fingers to avoid clenching it so hard that it would shatter.
"And yet here I am," Dan Heng responded.
Wu Sheng still did not understand. "Are you here to take pity on me? Or do you think you'll be my savior? It must be easy to think of yourself as my moral superior when you're a lofty Seal Guardian." He didn't really believe any of these things, but it was too easy to say words that he figured would drive the other man away before his kindness eventually expired.
Dan Heng, to his credit, remained patient. "Not at all. In fact, you're not wrong at all about it being easier for me as a Seal Guardian. I grew up lacking for nothing materially and surrounded by a family who loved me and reminded me of my worth at all times. When you have all of those supports in place, it is easy to do the right thing. When you are told you are born for greatness and given the foundation for it, it is easy to walk down the right path. That is why I have compassion for you. I want to know your story, and I hope you will share it with me. I am not here to judge you or punish you. I just want to understand you better, the way I wasn't able to as a boy."
Moved by Dan Heng's apparent sincerity, Wu Sheng finally gave in. With his tongue loosened by alcohol, he let his thoughts and feelings overflow in a tumultuous stream. Starting from the very beginning, he shared his life story. He described his lonely childhood, his misguided sword philosophy, and his search for meaning in a world that had constantly rejected him on the basis of things outside of his control. He stopped a bit before his time with Lue Feng Qie Chen, letting his earlier words on the matter stand on their own. That part of his life remained too raw even now. He wasn't ready to talk about it yet at length. Thankfully, Dan Heng did not force him to discuss it and merely engaged with what he was willing to disclose.
Dan Heng was quiet for some time after Wu Sheng finished his piece and trailed off. He seemed to be giving Wu Sheng time so the emotional tidal waves that had surged up during his tale could settle.
When at last the Seal Guardian moved to speak again, he reached across the table to place one hand over Wu Sheng's. The gesture startled Wu Sheng, but he didn't pull his hand away. His mind focused on that spot of heat in his awareness as his companion talked.
"I can't say much, but I can say this: In retrospect, I recognize that Tie Di Xian saw you more as a burden than a gift. He fed and clothed and taught you but did not attend to your deepest need to be loved and cared for. Your name and the circumstances of your birth were used against you by those who needed them as an excuse to mistreat you. So many people failed you. That doesn't excuse your own harmful actions, but I can understand that the choices we make as humans are not so black and white. It is not my place to absolve you of any wrongs you committed, but I can say with confidence that you are not the sum of your worst actions. You still deserve to be cared for, and if anything, being cared for will make it easier for you to better yourself."
"I still feel like I deserve to be punished though," Wu Sheng confessed.
"You have already been punished enough. Has punishing yourself by staying sequestered here actually helped anyone that you hurt? Has it turned you into a better person?"
"...No."
Dan Heng smiled. "Then let me care for you." It was just the faintest curve of his lips, but it broke through the last of Wu Sheng's defenses. The tears he had held back throughout the entire conversation, the tears he had not allowed himself to shed for years, not even when his heart had been shattered by betrayal, welled up and began to fall, blurring his vision.
Through his tears, he was vaguely aware of Dan Heng's movements. The Seal Guardian rose from his seat to join Wu Sheng, sliding onto the bench beside him until their legs touched. A pair of strong arms wrapped around Wu Sheng and enveloped him in warmth. He did not need further invitation to bury his face in Dan Heng's chest.
As Wu Sheng cried, he felt like a small child again, reliant on something other than words to convey his needs and feelings. But his former master and adoptive father had never held him this way or comforted him with affirmations. At a young age, he had learned from Tie Di Xian that crying would not be tolerated. He was supposed to use his words. But rather than say what upset him, he had taken to hiding his upset completely so nobody could use it to hurt him. Holding in so much anguish had caused him immeasurable pain over the years of his life. Now he was finally letting it all go.
Eventually, Wu Sheng’s sobs subsided. He remained pressed against Dan Heng's chest for a bit, feeling guilty about making a mess of the Seal Guardian’s fancy robes. But then again, they were in this mysterious afterlife, where no doubt the clothes could clean themselves if Dan Heng wanted them to. Slowly, he pulled away from the other man's embrace. His eyes were puffy, his sinuses aching, his throat dry. He could feel the onset of a nasty headache pressing against his temples. "Thank you," he whispered hoarsely. The alcohol he had downed was making itself known in his body. He swayed as he stood up, disoriented. Dan Heng caught him before he could topple over.
"I think it is best for you to go to bed," the Seal Guardian said. "I will escort you to your room since you don't seem to be in any condition to walk by yourself."
Wu Sheng's bedroom was tucked away in a corner on the second floor of the building. With Dan Heng's support, he made it up the stairs and down the walkway to his room. The other man also helped him change into his nightclothes. Although Dan Heng averted his eyes politely, Wu Sheng still felt hot with embarrassment. Perhaps it’s the alcohol , he thought to himself, though that did not explain the way Dan Heng’s hands in particular seemed to burn through the haze of drunkenness wherever he touched Wu Sheng to hold him steady.
Finally, Dan Heng lowered Wu Sheng into his bed and tucked him in with a practiced grace and efficiency. Wu Sheg supposed that Dan Heng had gotten plenty of experience doing this with his younger sister back when she was still a child. Dan Fei was fortunate to have such a doting older brother.
Although Wu Sheng expected Dan Heng to leave immediately after, the other man surprised him by sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"I heard rumors in this realm that it was Mie Tian Hai who killed you," said Dan Heng.
"Yes. He was a worthy opponent, so I have no regrets about dying by his hand."
Dan Heng's face betrayed a bitter smile. "I can’t say the same. He took everything from me: my home, the Tian Xing Sword handle that I was sworn to protect, and so many precious years with my younger sister. I don't know if I will ever forgive him. But the fact that we both died by his hand could be considered a kind of fate as well, linking us in our deaths."
It was an unusual way to look at things, but perhaps Dan Heng was right.
The two men remained in companionable silence for a bit. Wu Sheng felt himself dreading the moment when Dan Heng would depart and leave him alone once more.
Some minutes later, Dan Heng spoke again. "I should let you sleep. If you don't need me for anything else, I can leave." He shifted and began to rise, but Wu Sheng grabbed onto his arm impulsively with his right hand.
"Wait."
Dan Heng looked down at Wu Sheng, who felt his face flush at his own forwardness. "Can you please stay for a little longer? Until I'm asleep, at least?" He was acutely aware of how childish he sounded. He could only hope Dan Heng wouldn't judge him for the display of vulnerability.
“Of course.” Wu Sheng let go of Dan Heng’s arm. The ache in his heart receded a little. Dan Heng returned to sitting beside Wu Sheng. Then, to Wu Sheng’s surprise, the Seal Guardian picked up Wu Sheng’s fallen hand, cradling it palm-down in his left hand and covering it with his right. Dan Heng gazed into Wu Sheng’s eyes in a way that sent shivers down his spine. “I can do more than stay until you fall asleep. If you want me to spend the night with you, I will.”
A hint of hesitation crept in. Was this really alright? But then Wu Sheng recalled Dan Heng’s words from earlier, and he admitted to himself that he was tired of depriving himself of human interaction, of comforting touch, of sensual pleasure. The choice was obvious. He only needed to say the words.
“Yes,” he said. “Please.”
The next morning, Wu Sheng woke up in Dan Heng’s embrace. Though they could have done more, Wu Sheng had simply asked the Seal Guardian to hold him while he slept so he could feel the warmth of another person for the first time in ages. Seeing the other man curled up beside him was a relief. The events of the previous night had felt like a feverish dream, and knowing it had all been real meant so much to Wu Sheng. Tears welled up in his eyes. He swiped at them with the back of his hand, feeling ridiculous for crying.
The movement of his arm was enough to stir Dan Heng awake as well. At the sight of Wu Sheng’s tears, he reached out to brush them away. The two talked softly, not rising from the bed for a while.
When they finally got out of bed to get dressed, Dan Heng asked the question that Wu Sheng had been anticipating since his arrival. “Last night, when I first stepped into the garden, I heard you call out the name ‘Lue.’ Does that by any chance refer to the Enigmatic Gale?”
Wu Sheng nodded. “He was my dearest friend…and more. He hurt me deeply with his betrayal. Since I failed in my revenge and died, I’ve been waiting to see him again, so I can make peace with that past.”
“I see.” Dan Heng grabbed a comb from the vanity by the bed and motioned for Wu Sheng to sit before him.
Wu Sheng complied. The tingling sensation of the other man running the comb across his scalp and through his hair was soothing. He hadn’t realized how much a simple morning routine could change when performed by someone else.
As he fixed Wu Sheng’s hair, Dan Heng remarked, “If he doesn’t regret hurting you and has no intention of apologizing or making up for it, then he’s not worth lingering on.”
“I know.” As he said this, Wu Sheng realized that he truly meant the words. With Dan Heng’s arrival, he had gained someone to make new memories with, someone whose name and existence in his mind weren’t inextricably bound up with pain. For the first time in a long time, he felt that he would be alright no matter what happened in the future. Even if Lin Xue Ya reappeared and upset his balance, he could still return to equilibrium.