Chapter Text
There were moments where I couldn't wrap my head around anything, no matter how hard I tried. For example, looking into Felix's eyes.
The light in the room illuminated the liveliness in his beautiful caramel-colored eyes, as he gazed right up at me in wonder. I looked at him back, waiting for him to say something, but I ended up in an unfathomable situation where I was captivated by his innocent - almost angelic - appearance. We stared at each other for a moment, loitering in the middle of the crowd of students and having no idea what was going to happen next.
At one point, our eye contact was interrupted when Felix was suddenly pushed onto me, which caused me to fall into the corner of the classroom, with him right above me. I slowly raised my head after having winced from the impact, and my eyes widened in shock upon reading Felix's face. Not a single word had been exchanged since the moment we met each other's gaze, but the expression on his face suggested that... he was flustered.
I instantly noticed the flush on his freckled cheeks, as they accentuated his doe eyes. Seeing this, I let out a soft chuckle and welcomed Felix into my arms, attempting to calm him down. I had never seen him so shy before, but this moment made me realize who he was to me, and I felt a strong urge to protect him from harm.
That kind of promise seems like a joke to everyone now, though.
"Felix?"
My shaky voice was caught in my own tears, as I slowly lifted his head that felt so heavy in my right hand, and wrapped my left arm around his waist to bring him closer to me. I hopelessly stared at his closed eyes, acting as though I had expected them to open somehow. Dried blood had stained the one face I had thought belonged to an angel, down to his torn, white shirt to his knees covered in bruises and scratches. Seeing him in such state, all I could ask myself at the time was: what have I done?
I cradled Felix’s little body and sobbed desperately, "Felix… Felix I'm so— I'm s-so sorry..."
Protect him? No, I harmed him. What we had almost killed him entirely. I wish I weren't so blind. I really wish I weren't so blind.
***
"Your payment has been received," the receptionist confirms with Mrs. Lee and me. "Dr. Jung will proceed with Felix's surgery as soon as possible."
"Oh okay, okay! Thank you so much!" Mrs. Lee sounds like she’s crying as she enthusiastically bows a couple of times to the receptionist, who politely nods her head in return.
I can see that Mrs. Lee has tears in her eyes, as she is overcome by joy. She must be over the moon that her son will be saved, and I am just as relieved as she is. I exchange my proper thanks with the receptionist and turn away to bring Mrs. Lee to Felix's room in the hospital.
Discussing Felix's conditions with her has not been easy, and bargaining with her to make me pay for his surgery was even more difficult. Regardless, the transaction has been made, and now Mrs. Lee can expect her son to be well and healthy by the next several weeks.
As we approach his room, I can sense the feeling of dread starting to overwhelm my body. I let Mrs. Lee walk into the room first so I can go prepare a cup of coffee for her down the hall where all the coffee machines are installed. She's been awake for so long, eyebags have started to form under her eyes. Seeing Mrs. Lee in such state reminds me of my own mother, who often stays up all night due to work. My father is no different, as he is the CEO of his own company. Someday, I'll have to take his position and show him what I'm truly capable of. All I want is financial security... and maybe a soulmate too.
The delicate aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafts over the coffee machine and helps me ease my nerves. Speaking of how long Mrs. Lee has been awake for, I haven't been able to get much sleep either; not since the day Felix vanished from school.
Our last fight briefly plays in my head, which causes me to tear up a little on my way back to Felix's room. At this point, I can't tell if all these tears are coming from my fatigue, or from all these painful memories that are still so fresh in my mind.
I swiftly enter Lix's room, but stop in my tracks when I see Mrs. Lee cleaning Felix's face with a wet towel while she tries to suppress her sniffles. Just the sight of her gazing at his peaceful figure is enough for my heart to sink.
She lifts her head to the doorway and gestures me to come in. "Dearie, come sit next to me."
I make my way to Mrs. Lee, place the cup of coffee on the bedside cabinet, and settle down beside her, giving myself a moment to think about everything. I didn't realize I had been holding in my breath from the moment I stepped into the hospital. The environment isn't the best in a place like this, but it is certainly ambient enough for me to steady my thoughts. I feel like I've been walking twice as fast ever since I left my house, and I feel like I've been making big decisions without even considering them. I'm in a daze, but now, all I can do is wait.
"Changbin-ah." Mrs. Lee breaks the silence between us, and I respond by turning my head to look at her. "I know I've said this a hundred times already, but seriously I... How can I ever repay you?"
"Mrs. Lee, there is really no need to repay me." I shake my head and wave my hands in disapproval. "This was my choice- and I want to save your son. You do not owe me anything."
"You've already saved him so many times, Bin."
"No, Mrs. Lee. I haven't."
"Yes, you have!--"
"All I did was worsen his condition!" I raise my voice involuntarily.
Mrs. Lee's eyes flash with shock for a moment, and I look away guiltily, turning my attention to Felix's peaceful appearance. I'm getting far too emotional. How embarrassing...
"But I... There must be something that I can help you with!" she pleads, which slightly catches me off guard. This woman is truly passionate about this. "You even... you even found him for me."
I look down at my feet and exhale a long sigh, trying to soothe the goosebumps that have formed on my body. Being able to find Lix when I had no goddamn clue where he could be feels like a miracle.
I found him at the beach near my home two days ago, after getting into a passionate fight with Chan on the phone. This took place a few days after my last argument with Felix, and now that I think about it, Chan must’ve called me that night because he had noticed that Lix had not shown up to school for a while and was starting to get worried.
“Well done, Seo Changbin!” he scolded me angrily. “Well fucking done!”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him!” I desperately protested, then hit the surface of my desk with my clenched fist, furious. "Goddammit..."
“Yet you still let your emotions get the better of you. What the hell is your problem?!”
“Lix was making this hard for me, okay?!—”
“You don’t get to call him Lix.”
Upon hearing those words come out of Chan’s mouth, I suddenly realized just how much damage I’ve done. I was at a loss for words, and I was unable to come up with a better argument. What was the point of quarreling with someone who actually loves Lix? I must be out of my mind.
“I’m going to go find him. You better pray he’s not doing something stupid to himself right now.”
Then he hung up - just like that - and that was the end of it. I felt the pressure to find Lix fall upon my shoulders, and before I knew it, I had already dashed out of my home. For some reason, my instincts told me to go to Sunset Beach. I didn’t have high expectations to find him there, yet there he was, lying unconscious in the golden sand, with a purple hyacinth in his bloody hand.
I immediately called the ambulance upon arrival and checked for his pulse. It was weak, but he was still breathing. I gently grasped his hand that was holding the bloody flower and cradled his slim body, sobbing until the ambulance would arrive at the scene. Lix was then taken away by the medical team and brought to the hospital.
"I've hurt him too many times, Mrs. Lee. You don't owe me anything... neither does your son."
I pause for a moment, then lower my head as I realize just how much Felix has helped me in the past with my mental health. After a long, shaky breath, I decide to let her know about it.
"Felix... has helped me walk out of a very dark place," I start, but my voice seems to be quieter than before. "Everyone has always been kind to me, but he's beyond that. He opened my eyes and... and filled my life with all sorts of colors. He cared about everyone so much that— he forgot to take care of himself..."
Tears glaze over Mrs. Lee's eyes as she listens to me speak about how lovely and selfless Felix is. I cannot tell if she is moved by my words, or proud of her son. Whichever the case, I hope Mrs. Lee understands the real reason why I've been so desperate to pay for Lix's surgery. Of course I want to save him, but I realize now that Felix is everything I can ask for in a friend, and that I don't know what I'd do without him. Calling him a 'friend' even feels like an insult. Would any regular friend go out of their way to do so much for me? I don't know anymore. It kind of feels like I've lost everyone in my circle.
"Oh, how I failed him... Oh my poor little sunshine..." Mrs. Lee's voice is trembling, barely stable, which catches me by surprise in the midst of everything. The mere sound of her sobs makes my heart ache so much that I can't bring myself to say anything to comfort her. Why? Just why?
I bite my lower lip and take a deep breath when I feel the same fucking tears come back up to swell my eyes again. It's become so difficult to control my own emotions; it's almost like they're the ones controlling me now.
"As his mother, I should be at home, aiding him, helping him, providing him the love and support he needs. If only--" She inhales a shaky, painful gasp, trying her hardest to control her emotions, but fighting back is terribly difficult. "If only I wasn't so... busy with my job, I could've taken better care of him. He could've been at home."
"Mrs. Lee." I finally seem to have regained my voice. "As much as I hate to say this, Felix would've still sustained the same consequences. So please, stop blaming yourself for his current condition."
"Dearie--"
"If anything, I owe Lix— Felix my life. So please… consider this as me returning the favor."
"Oh Changbin, you've grown to become such a mature man. I'm sure my son will be very happy hearing these exact same words."
"That's... if he'll even remember who I am after the surgery."
My expression drops as soon as I mumble those words. Mrs. Lee is probably unaware of the consequences that will come with the surgery, but even if she is aware of them, it's not like they'll be a big deal to her. This disease was born due to unrequited love; it has nothing to do with family. I hide my face with my hands, feeling like an absolute mess. I hate the idea of being painted as a stranger in Felix's eyes, but this could also be for the greater good.
Mrs. Lee places her hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me.
"Hey, it's going to be okay. The chances of that happening are slim."
I take a few deep breaths before facing Felix's mother with a thankful smile, feeling appreciative of her moral support. "Thank you for being so kind toward me, Mrs. Lee."
Mrs. Lee seems surprised by my words, but quickly returns my smile by holding my hand in between hers. "This was never your fault, dear. No matter the outcome, I hope you two can reconnect after all of this is over."
I nod in agreement, tears of joy starting to prickle my eyes as I find myself overwhelmed by relief.
"I hope so too."