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remember me, don't let the time erase
the life we've built, the years we've spent together.
don't let them drown in sorrow and regret.
i know our love was meant to last forever,
i'm sorry that this promise can't be kept.
i'll always miss the warmth of your embrace
and all those precious memories we've made,
but as it's time for me to turn the page
just hold me close once more before i fade.
***
Well. Where to begin?
I guess I'll start with a simple 'hello'.
Do you think it lacks personal touch? After all, this is a very elaborate death note that I'm leaving to the love of my life. There are so many things that I can't tell you in person, that I've never learned how to tell you in person without blushing furiously. And even now, if you could see me, my cheeks are burning quite a bit. And it's just a recording.
It gets lonely here sometimes, in the hospital. I can't move much, and taking a walk is out of the question. You can't stay by my side all the time, nor would I ever ask you to. I want you to learn how to live without me. Please, don't think that I'm selfish for doing this. Perhaps it's unfair, but–
This is the only way for me to say goodbye. A real one.
And although this may sound ridiculous, I can't be completely honest when you're here. Seeing the pain in your eyes and how much you try to hide it, my heart breaks and its shattered pieces get stuck in my chest and throat, and I can't speak up.
Mo Ran, listen to me, please. I don't know how many of these I'll be able to make before, well, the inevitable happens.
Actually, no. I need to say this, and you need to hear this. I know that I'm dying and I've made my peace with that. My life's worth is rapidly approaching zero, but yours… It's priceless. And you have to take good care of yourself, all right? Promise me.
Promise me, Mo Ran. I need you to– I need you to promise me.
How can I leave without knowing that you're going to be okay? How can I–
Mo Ran–
Sorry, I– I have to go now.
***
Chu Wanning had no intention of letting the nurses see him like this. A sobbing mess. No, he was always cheerful with them, always smiling, even when it hurt so much that he could barely lift his head off the pillow.
This thing that he hated so, this weight, pulling him into the darkness, was not to be allowed to control him. Till the very end, Chu Wanning was the only one who made all of the decisions, except for the last one. He knew that he wouldn't be present to take that final step, and that awful, impossible responsibility would fall on Mo Ran's shoulders.
Was he ready for it? This wasn't for Chu Wanning to know.
But once there's nothing left but a body, chained to the hospital bed by tubes and all these tiny wires, the decision would be out of his hands. However, he still hoped that it wouldn't take too long. Chu Wanning didn't want his husband to remember him as a lifeless, motionless shell of a human being, because that would be cruel to both of them.
And it was also the main reason why he was making the recordings. To make sure that something else was left behind after he's gone. Something tangible, real. An undeniable physical proof of his existence and his will.
When someone knocked on the door he was calm, with a well-learned expression of polite interest. It had just the right amount of optimism to relieve the medical staff of unnecessary unease. This place was where people came to die, but the workers, they still had to go home every day and keep on living. Their patients weren't as lucky, and this knowledge was already a great burden to carry. There was no need to add to it.
But when the door opened, the person who came to see him wasn't a nurse. Mo Ran's figure, so familiar and foreign at the same time, almost caught him off guard.
"Hey." His husband approached the bed, hesitant, and took a seat on the edge. There was so much sadness within his eyes, impossible to conceal, and Chu Wanning's heart responded with a piercing ache.
"Hey." He replied, reaching out to touch the young man's face. When Mo Ran leaned forward, the simple sensation, skin against skin, sent shivers down his spine. Chu Wanning loved him so much, he was going to miss him so much, but he could never put it into words, not properly, and Mo Ran never asked him to. And now, more than ever, this quiet understanding was tearing him apart.
"I wanted to surprise you." He smiled, lowered his eyes, took Chu Wanning's hand and gently kissed the palm. "I was afraid of disturbing your sleep, but you're awake."
For now.
And one day, the day that they both dreaded, Mo Ran would come, and he would no longer be able to wake up. His condition had no chance of improvement. It was worsening steadily, day after day, and sometimes at night, surrounded by still and peaceful darkness, Chu Wanning felt it grow. The disease that put an expiration date on all of his hopes and dreams, he could feel it expand, push through him, imprisoned and bound by the confines of his decaying body.
He spoke to it sometimes, whispering –
Well, aren't we a miserable pair, stuck together? Neither of us is allowed to leave. Such an unlucky predicament. So if it's all the same to you, just give me a little more time, will you? I'm not done yet. And then we can end this, once and for all. Set each other free.
– but they had never reached an agreement.
"Don't worry, I'm always happy to see you. How was your day?" He lay there, greedily clutching onto every word, every miniscule detail. He laughed and dissolved in Mo Ran's words, and for a moment, for a brief instant, things were normal again. Just like before.
But nothing was ever going to be like before, because the clock was ticking, the sand was spilling down and away, and Chu Wanning was nearing the finish line.
"I'll come back soon." A sigh, a forehead kiss and a wordless prayer – for him to be awake when Mo Ran visits again.
"I'll be waiting." A nod, a reassuring pinch on the cheek and a lie - he knew it rather well that there could be no next time.
Under the blanket, Chu Wanning's grip on the recording device tightened with a sense of desperate, hopeless urgency. He couldn't let it show in front of Mo Ran, but as soon as the door closed behind his husband there were tears streaming down his face, and he couldn't stop them nor did he try to as his entire body shuddered violently.
I'm scared.
I know I have to be strong for you, but I'm so scared. Every time I went to the doctor and kept it a secret from you, I think, small parts of me were sacrificed to this monster, hiding in my closet. But it was never mine, it was ours. And you had your suspicions, but without certainty there was nothing but fear.
I was plagued by a sickness, but at least I had a diagnosis. A verdict, if you like. And you were haunted by an invisible, unknown enemy. I'm sorry for lying to you for so long, I didn't do it on purpose.
In the end, all my good intentions brought us nothing but pain.
Was I a good husband? Because you were. You were perfect. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful you've been. You've given me so much. You loved me, always, unconditionally. I thought I had a lifetime to repay you, but I don't. Every time I press this button and start talking, just saying whatever comes to my mind, basically - there's a reminder somewhere in the back of my head. That it could be the last time. That I have to stop blabbering and to get to the important stuff now.
But I get carried away. Blame it on the meds, if you want. These days my blood is ninety percent painkillers. It's nice though. I'm not complaining. But it's hard to focus when you're constantly high.
Sorry, where was I?
Right. I'm scared. I don't want to die. But above all else, above all my other concerns, I don't want you to die with me. If you give up on your future - and you have such an amazing future ahead of you - I will never forgive myself. Which is why I want to tell you something very important.
You are my life. Before you I was a different person, and not a happy one at that. When you came into my life, everything changed for the better. You made me better. In every way. And once my ashes are buried and all the necessary words have been said, I want you to walk through the cemetery gates, to go home and return to your life.
It will be difficult at first. It will feel like a chore. But if you live, I live. And god knows, if you give up I will find a way to come back and haunt you, and you know I can be a lot more annoying as a ghost.
So please, Mo Ran, please, don't waste your time on wallowing in grief. Live. For us both. And when the time comes, I'll be waiting for you on the other side. You know I will.
I love you, with all my heart.
Always.
He was watching the sunset. The sky was beautiful, and the colours seemed so sharp and bright, and he smiled with a sense of profound gratitude. It wasn't so bad, was it? Perhaps there was something else beyond the horizon, but as long as there was no pain, Chu Wanning would be satisfied.
A few days ago they maxed out the dosage. They couldn't pump even more drugs into his veins, and he couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt that much because it did. He was in agony.
Mo Ran came yesterday. They talked for a while, but he knew that his husband was tired. Between working full-time and spending hours in the hospital, he must've been exhausted, and Chu Wanning made a joke. He said: "I'm the one who's terminally ill, but you look like death. What will people think?"
The humour was dark, but they still laughed at it. Every movement, even the most insignificant one, hurt him, but he insisted on pushing forward, as stubborn as ever.
When Mo Ran was about to leave he didn't want to let go. This time he knew it was over. But instead of holding him back, asking to stay just a few minutes longer, Chu Wanning told him to go and get some rest.
"You need a good night's sleep, Mo Ran."
"It's hard to sleep without you by my side, baobei. But I'll try. If I'm not handsome enough you won't love me anymore."
His husband left in a good mood, and it brought some comfort to Chu Wanning. In the solitude of his room he could finally let go and stop pretending, falling back and breathing heavily, face contorted in pain.
Half an hour later a nurse came to check up on him. She was nice and sweet, just like the other two girls who took care of him, and Chu Wanning knew that she'd be reliable enough to fulfill his wish.
"Are you working the night shift today?"
"Yes, Chu-xiansheng. Is something the matter?"
"No," he watched her figure move from the bed to the window, momentarily entranced by the way it would glow in the sunlight, then said: "I mean, yes. Could you do me a favour?"
She smiled, and there was kindness in that smile, as well as willingness to help, and he breathed out with relief.
"Of course, Chu-xiansheng. What is it?"
Eventually, the nurse left. He made sure to repeat the instructions twice, just in case she forgot, but the girl was diligent and attentive, and he felt certain that everything was going to be okay.
The sky was beautiful, the colours seemed more vivid than ever before, and he closed his eyes with a smile.
Deep down Chu Wanning knew that this was going to be the last sunset of his life.
My love.
I've already told you so much. So what am I doing now? I don't know.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I can make a guess, but you won't like it. You'll probably get angry at me for not saying anything, again. But how could I?
Did they call you or did you have to find out by yourself? I don't know how long you've waited before, well, pulling the plug. I'm sure you did your best. I'm sure you were strong. And I hope– God, I hope you're doing well now.
I requested for this recording to be sent to you one month after my funeral. I wanted to give you time to process everything at your own pace.
Please, forgive me. For everything. I wish I could see you now. I wish I could give you a hug. To tell you that I love you.
And I do. I do.
I– I want you to be kind to yourself. Don't get dissolved in work, even if it's a decent distraction. And if you have to blame someone, blame me. I'm already dead, so what can I do? Although I did promise to haunt you, fine, I'll take that back.
Be happy. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And remember me. Us. We had something good, didn't we?
I know I wasn't always easy to deal with, but–
Mo Ran? Thank you.
The view is really lovely from here. The sun has already set now, and I– I think–
It's time for me to rest, too.
Mo Ran–
Goodbye.